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The Counterfeit Climax: Confronting the Issues that Sabotage Sex, Romance, and Relationships
Every sexual mindset, habit, or experience pursued by false beliefs is a "counterfeit climax" in the making, and they could be sabotaging the level of intimacy you are experiencing with your spouse right now. Deep-rooted insecurity from harsh teachings you may have learned about sex or unseen habits like pornography are leading factors to sexual dissatisfaction and false sexual expectations. It's one thing to discover these hurts, but it's an entirely different undertaking to talk about it with your spouse in a healthy way. With Dave and Ashley's trusted advice and compassion, including their own transparent stories, The Counterfeit Climax, is written for anyone who is single and working through painful experiences, engaged and learning about their significant other, or married and desiring to restore or deepen intimacy with their spouse. Each chapter will help guide you through talking about your sexual burdens so that you can find freedom and pleasure within your marriage. It's time to confront all the lies the world has fed us about sex, romance, and relationships and pursue God's design for the most fulfilling marriage and sex life.
166 pages, Hardcover
Published February 15, 2022
21 people are currently reading
120 people want to read
About the author
Dave Willis
7 books3 followersDave Willis is a pastor and writer who has become one of America's most trusted voices on issues related to marriage, faith, and family. He and his wife, Ashley, are hosts of The Naked Marriage Podcast and content creators for XO Marriage, which is the nation's largest marriage-focused ministry. Dave and Ashley's videos, quotes, books, blogs, and live events reach millions of couples worldwide. They live with their four sons near Augusta, GA. For additional resources, please visit DaveAndAshleyWillis.com.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
January 20, 2022
2.5 stars
I am very torn about this book. On the one hand, it had some really great thoughts that make it stand out from other marriage books. On the other hand, it was just a bit too vague for me and I really wish they would have elaborated on some points. And finally, some ideas were problematic.
First of all, I would score this book a 30/48 according to The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended Scorecard. That is almost in the green field and better than many other books that have been evaluated with these criteria. It even got the highest marks in three categories. So let's start with the good points:
- The book never blames a woman for being cheated on or for her husband's porn abuse. The book also has a great part about different forms of abuse and that none of it is ever the fault of the victim. That's amazing and honestly, it's unbelievable that this makes this marriage book stand out because this should be something we can all agree upon.
- The book is very frank on the negative consequences of porn and call out the myth that women can prevent their husbands from watching porn by giving frequent sex. The blame for the porn use is firmly placed at the feet of the porn user and they are encouraged to work through their issues themselves.
- It also points out that separate therapy/counseling can be necessary to deal with issues before or while working on the marriage.
- The authors acknowledge that women can struggle with lust, masturbation and pornography too as well as experience visual attraction.
- Respect for women can only be cultivated in living in relationships with women: at work, in school, in the family, in church and in marriage. I really loved this point.
- They stress that both spouses should feel comfortable and safe about sexual practices and not pressure each other into acts one spouse is not comfortable with.
- Even though they use the unfortunate phrasing "sexual affair" for a youth pastor grooming a 15-year-old, they clarify in the next sentences that this is statutory rape and that the pastor is not a victim, but perpetrator.
Now, let's move on to the points that made me a little uneasy or needed some more elaboration:
- The main culprit for wrong ideas about sexuality according to the authors is culture. Even though they quickly touch on Purity Culture, they never go into detail about harmful teachings that are present in the church.
- There is also a focus on college as the main place where sexual sin happens as well as on the pre-marriage period. I feel like this was not necessary on purpose, but based on personal experience of the authors. Sexual immorality within marriage is mostly focused on cheating and porn use, consent issues and sexual abuse within marriage are not talked about.
- Even though they acknowledge that women can suffer from porn and lust, too, in the last chapter, they maintain that the way men and women process sexual images and visual stimulation is fundamentally different. This is based on Shaunti Feldhahn's theories and her book Through a Man's Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men that they interpret very benevolently. The authors claim that women have no problem not pondering on a sexual stimulus, while men "naturally" struggle not taking this further.
- Some of the anecdotes seem to feed the obligation sex message as well as equate endured abuse and perpetrated abuse by grouping it under the term "baggage". I think this needs some more differentiation and commentary. Also, having sex once a week should not be considered "occassionally" when this is the average frequency for couples to have sex.
And lastly, some ideas were straight-up problematic:
- Never once is the idea entertained that sometimes, divorce or separation can be necessary. The book stresses that the party that wronged the other is the one who needs to recommit first for the marriage to be saved. But at the same time, they claim that every marriage can be redeemed and that you should really try to make it work. If you are tempted to give up on your marriage, that means you believe counterfeit lies that the devil uses to attack marriages.
- The authors also state that women have issues with orgasming from penetration due to "overstimulation by vibrators". This is not backed up by any references. In fact, most women do not orgasm from penetration alone regardless of vibrator use, so I would really be curious where they got this idea from.
- To have your spouse meet your needs, you are supposed to ask them what THEY need from you first to make them willing to meet your needs.
Additionally, we also got a weird rant about sex robots which, from what I know, are not a big issue in Christian marriages right now but took up a surprisingly large part of a chapter. The book uses not many references and even less journal articles. We have Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed for a whole chapter and a reference to the Rebelution brothers. There is not a lot of advice on how to make sex more pleasurable (especially for her) and at times it seemed more like several essays that were not always connected.
Who is this book for? The book seems to assume that both spouses have a certain degree of goodwill to make things work. This book therefore is not safe at all for people in abusive situations. It is also not a comprehensive book on how to deal with sexual issues, both before and in marriage. It gets weirdly specific in some places and is too vague in other places. It's not the worst book for sure. But there are a few things missing to make it a really healthy book. It is a step in the right direction and I appreciate that, but I cannot really recommend this either.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
I am very torn about this book. On the one hand, it had some really great thoughts that make it stand out from other marriage books. On the other hand, it was just a bit too vague for me and I really wish they would have elaborated on some points. And finally, some ideas were problematic.
First of all, I would score this book a 30/48 according to The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended Scorecard. That is almost in the green field and better than many other books that have been evaluated with these criteria. It even got the highest marks in three categories. So let's start with the good points:
- The book never blames a woman for being cheated on or for her husband's porn abuse. The book also has a great part about different forms of abuse and that none of it is ever the fault of the victim. That's amazing and honestly, it's unbelievable that this makes this marriage book stand out because this should be something we can all agree upon.
- The book is very frank on the negative consequences of porn and call out the myth that women can prevent their husbands from watching porn by giving frequent sex. The blame for the porn use is firmly placed at the feet of the porn user and they are encouraged to work through their issues themselves.
- It also points out that separate therapy/counseling can be necessary to deal with issues before or while working on the marriage.
- The authors acknowledge that women can struggle with lust, masturbation and pornography too as well as experience visual attraction.
- Respect for women can only be cultivated in living in relationships with women: at work, in school, in the family, in church and in marriage. I really loved this point.
- They stress that both spouses should feel comfortable and safe about sexual practices and not pressure each other into acts one spouse is not comfortable with.
- Even though they use the unfortunate phrasing "sexual affair" for a youth pastor grooming a 15-year-old, they clarify in the next sentences that this is statutory rape and that the pastor is not a victim, but perpetrator.
Now, let's move on to the points that made me a little uneasy or needed some more elaboration:
- The main culprit for wrong ideas about sexuality according to the authors is culture. Even though they quickly touch on Purity Culture, they never go into detail about harmful teachings that are present in the church.
- There is also a focus on college as the main place where sexual sin happens as well as on the pre-marriage period. I feel like this was not necessary on purpose, but based on personal experience of the authors. Sexual immorality within marriage is mostly focused on cheating and porn use, consent issues and sexual abuse within marriage are not talked about.
- Even though they acknowledge that women can suffer from porn and lust, too, in the last chapter, they maintain that the way men and women process sexual images and visual stimulation is fundamentally different. This is based on Shaunti Feldhahn's theories and her book Through a Man's Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men that they interpret very benevolently. The authors claim that women have no problem not pondering on a sexual stimulus, while men "naturally" struggle not taking this further.
- Some of the anecdotes seem to feed the obligation sex message as well as equate endured abuse and perpetrated abuse by grouping it under the term "baggage". I think this needs some more differentiation and commentary. Also, having sex once a week should not be considered "occassionally" when this is the average frequency for couples to have sex.
And lastly, some ideas were straight-up problematic:
- Never once is the idea entertained that sometimes, divorce or separation can be necessary. The book stresses that the party that wronged the other is the one who needs to recommit first for the marriage to be saved. But at the same time, they claim that every marriage can be redeemed and that you should really try to make it work. If you are tempted to give up on your marriage, that means you believe counterfeit lies that the devil uses to attack marriages.
- The authors also state that women have issues with orgasming from penetration due to "overstimulation by vibrators". This is not backed up by any references. In fact, most women do not orgasm from penetration alone regardless of vibrator use, so I would really be curious where they got this idea from.
- To have your spouse meet your needs, you are supposed to ask them what THEY need from you first to make them willing to meet your needs.
Additionally, we also got a weird rant about sex robots which, from what I know, are not a big issue in Christian marriages right now but took up a surprisingly large part of a chapter. The book uses not many references and even less journal articles. We have Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed for a whole chapter and a reference to the Rebelution brothers. There is not a lot of advice on how to make sex more pleasurable (especially for her) and at times it seemed more like several essays that were not always connected.
Who is this book for? The book seems to assume that both spouses have a certain degree of goodwill to make things work. This book therefore is not safe at all for people in abusive situations. It is also not a comprehensive book on how to deal with sexual issues, both before and in marriage. It gets weirdly specific in some places and is too vague in other places. It's not the worst book for sure. But there are a few things missing to make it a really healthy book. It is a step in the right direction and I appreciate that, but I cannot really recommend this either.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 16, 2022
WOW. My husband and I read this book together and there is so much truth and thought provoking questions that caused us to dig deep. My husband and I have been through some pretty terrible times in our marriage and I know we are not the only ones. This book forced me to explore some of my own hurts that lies have been sold to me and that I ultimately built in my mind and heart. The lies that I was told or learned along the way that are absolutely the lies that shaped me into a person that kept me battling a battle that is truly not meant to be. The battle is God’s and by believing these lies I was separating myself from God and my family including my spouse. There is so much in this book that it is hard to unpack in just a small book review. Once these walls are broke down and destructed to dust the intimate relationship that was meant for me with God and my husband grew instantly. I am so blessed to have found this book. My relationship with my husband was lead to a place of vulnerability where we could be open and share things that we didn’t even know that we struggled with. Let me add that we are already open. We have been together 13 years. The information about porn is just a bonus read that will help any couple that is dealing with struggles that are past, present, or future truly have a better and stronger relationship. The book is written from a place of feeling like Dave and Ashley are in the same room. Thank you for this book! I will be recommending this book to other couples that we help in the future.
December 27, 2025
First it’s great advice and definitely a must read for newly weds or young adults. Nothing was overly profound or things I haven’t heard but it did offer a doorway into reading more from these authors as their advice and insight is something I know is solid advice to follow. I will definitely be following their website and work after reading this.
July 19, 2024
While I didn’t find any of the tips and insights profound, this first experience consuming Dave and Ashley Willis’s content was a positive one. Lots of conversation starters for you and your spouse. Choose the ones that are applicable.
February 15, 2022
The Counterfeit Climax is a Must-Read if you are married or plan to get married soon!! In a world where we are taught so many lies about marriage and sex, Dave and Ashley explain how God created sex and what He intended that to look like within the safety net of marriage. The book is easy to read but very helpful. You will also find that it is very practical as it addresses issues we all deal with on a daily basis. You WILL want to read The Counterfeit Climax!!!
February 15, 2022
What a powerful and revealing book! I love how transparent and real Dave and Ashley get about a topic that is so much in need of discussion, yet so few dare to elaborate on. This is an absolute must for anyone in a relationship and wanting to learn and discover God's true design for sex and intimacy. Thank you Dave and Ashley!!!
February 15, 2022
If you want the whole truth, nothing but the truth about the lies our world has taught us about marriage and sex, this is the book for you! Ashley and Dave do an amazing job of keeping it real and honest about what God says about marriage, sexuality and yes, even that we are supposed to enjoy sex!!!
February 16, 2022
Couples and singles everywhere should read this book. Then share it with their friends. I’ve read it and will read it again. The questions at the end of each chapter are great for opening up conversation with your spouse. Definitely recommend!!!!
February 15, 2022
This book is amazing! Dave and Ashley use real life examples and highlights what it means to have a God centered marriage and healthy and fulfilling sex life. Every married couple should read this!
February 15, 2022
Absolutely amazing, and eye opening. A great book if you're married, or single. Highly recommend.
September 16, 2022
If you are looking for some answers in your marriage, this is a good place to start. The information is good, and they share some light on a lot of things.
But if you have been following this couple for a while on their podcast and other books. This is not new information.
Overall, still good and would recommend to people seeking guidance on their marriage.
But if you have been following this couple for a while on their podcast and other books. This is not new information.
Overall, still good and would recommend to people seeking guidance on their marriage.
January 8, 2023
This book had some good thought provoking questions but also had some sections that I personally didn’t enjoy or agree fully with. It created good conversation between my husband and I, but I didn’t agree with everything I read or some of the ways they approached tricky topics.
Read
September 11, 2024Couldn’t finish. Listened to audiobook to chapter 3 and it was like an endless stream of gossip about possible relationship scenarios. A few helpful tidbits but those could probably be found in other books instead
March 11, 2022
Very honest, very good read! Dave and Ashley take on topics in Christian marriage that need discussion.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews