The Anxious Hearts Guide

by Rikki Cloos

It’s been three days with no call or text back...you can’t eat, sleep, or work. You’re going to die alone in your bed, gripping your phone, waiting for a response; or at least that’s what your brain keeps telling you. There’s a common flaw that people who chase partners all have in common. Are you an anxious attacher? If you’re still holding your phone hoping they’ll reply then drop it now and pick up this book. Stop the self-fulfilling prophecy of worrying that your relationships will all end in disaster. Take a deep dive into healing your anxious attachment, learn how to boost your self-esteem and independence, and build a foundation for healthy love. The Anxious Hearts Guide is a collection of years of research, book recommendations, and strategies to help supercharge your relational health and stop pushing potential partners away. It is an approachable, accessible, and enlightening window into why anxious attachers do the frustrating things that we do for love and how to rise above it. The best ideas / techniques of 60+ Relationship books, in ONE. Author Rikki Cloos read over 60 books on attachment, couples communication, and the science of love/attachment. The Anxious Hearts Guide is a thoughtful collection of all of the ideas and techniques that helped her, as an anxious attacher, the most. Grow beyond your anxious attachment tendencies. All of the ideas and techniques that anxious attachers need the most in order to grow toward an 'earned secure' attachment style. Homework assignments after every chapter! This isn't meant to be read and then shelved! This book is designed to consume slowly, with homework assignments at the end of every chapter specifically written for the anxiously attached. Great for the single or coupled anxious heart! Whether you are single or currently attached, the principles within this book will improve the way that you relate to the people that you love.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Love

215 pages, Paperback

Published December 1, 2021

Reviews

[Dootsie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm conflicted about this book. It started off very strong. I felt like the examples of what an Anxious Heart is were clear and helpful.
The actual advice, however, was a bit up and down. I'm used to books bringing up topics and suggesting to get specific guidance on that topic elsewhere. However, it felt like that was a common tactic. Topics that I wish were explored with depth and substance were sometimes tackled in just a few paragraphs.
The suggested homework was most often very helpful - and this is coming from someone who often rolls their eyes at suggested activities. However, it sometimes felt like the suggestion was to put the book down for a couple months and work on one aspect of your life – exercise? making and nourishing friendships? – and sometimes before you moved into the kind of internal work that I think most of us picked this book up for.
The end of the book reads like a rush. Anecdotes laid out earlier in the book were sometimes repeated. It sometimes felt like filler – like personal reflections – more than guidance. I preordered this on Kindle, and the formatting was clearly rushed. It feels like this book was pushed out to meet deadlines rather than handled with careful editing.
The author is clearly not a professional self-help writer. And the casual, conversational tone was honestly refreshing. But I felt like this book needed a co-author or research assistant to bring more meat to the bones.

[Izzy Schechter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ate DOWNNNNNN I gotta admit it…

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved loved loved, what a book. What I really liked about this was the no bullshit approach. I felt very validated and understood by the author but also called out on my own destructive behaviours in a way that was both empathetic and assertive. She empathises with the readers who identify as anxious attachers without coddling you or making you feel like you can’t heal with some much needed hard work.

I usually hate the term “this opened my eyes to so many possibilities” or anything along those lines but this book really has changed my perspective on a lot of things to do with relationships (not just romantic). Even if you don’t identify as someone with anxious attachment, it’s very informative and well written, and offers an abundance of tools and reading materials that can just help anyone interested in general education about attachment styles.

[Fake Gyllen]

0/10, did not immediately heal my anxious attachment style.

[Shibalba · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was a little skeptical at first because I'm normally not a fan of the nonfiction that leans *too* self-helpy. But once you get past the conversational tone and the have-you-evers, you can see that this book is a really well-rounded guide for dealing with anxious attachment, whether in yourself or your partners. In terms of solid facts, it doesn't add all that much, especially if you've read its more scientific cousins (the ones that are more strictly about the psychology of attachment and less about how to help yourself), which it does reference. But as a guide, as something practical you can use to make a plan and set some goals for yourself, this one does a better job. It really is more of an "I'll hold your hand as you do this difficult thing" type of read, but I think that was exactly what I needed when I picked it up, so no complaints here. :)

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a therapist who works on attachment with many of my clients, I wanted to see if it would be a good recommendation as I don't suggest books without reading first myself. I think it's a helpful starting point, and the author tends to be very aware of that and gives a lot of suggestions for further reading and work for the reader to do.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would caution the reader to have discernment when reading this book. While it offers common sense advice as well as a look at attachment disorder as it pertains to relationships I find the mix of psychology, eastern meditation, and vibe-ology to be adding fuel to the fire of relational issues. Please read with a weather eye to the pitfalls of these “coping” and “enhancing” practices. They often bring with them a whole host of problems of their own.

[Nora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read! I thought I knew quite much about anxious attachment already but this book taught me a lot of new things. It’s compact and straightforward. No unnecessary stuff like others mentioned.
I‘ll go back to this book many times. Especially the last pages are encouraging!

[Alyssa Lane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this- it was short, easy to read and follow, and accessible. But mostly I appreciated that instead of getting really deep into the attachment theory jargon and psycho analyzing, this book chooses to focus more on simple suggestions you can immediately start to do and implement right away that will help with your anxiety. I picked this up at the start of a rough time, and practical advice that I could work with right now was exactly what I was looking for.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read! Author is like a friend presenting information in an approachable and non intimidating way. It isn’t a super deep dive into attachment theory, but it isn’t geared toward that. It provides helpful summaries and exercises that are applicable. It also gives recommendations for more material if you do want to nerd out, quite a few are now on my reading list. I wish I had this 10 years ago- when someone offered me a lengthy attachment theory book and I said no- this one would have been much easier to say yes to!

[Gemma · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think it is a good book to start with in case you've never done inner work or you're just starting in self-healing, but it can be a little incomplete if you've read more books like these before. Even though, It has some interesting book recomendations. I will read them for sure.

[Paolapass08gnail.Com · Rating 5 out of 5]

1,000,000 stars

Wow what An amazing book. I have read it from beginning to end. I bought every one of the books she recommend and also bought the journal. Thank you so much for your amazing work.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Are you anxiously attached or lean that way? Then this is the book for you! There has been a few books out there so far written specifically for people with anxious attachment, but this is a must read for people with anxious attachment. In my opinion, it is the best one I have read on it.

I'm a fearful avoidant that leans heavily anxious and this book was an absolute life changer for me, and I highly recommend this book! This book actually shows you how to overcome your anxious attachment to a more secure attachment style.

The author is compassionate, but also gives you a dose of tough love, but this is done well. It talks about anxious attachment, explains what it is, and also talks about other attachment styles, it has chapters that teach you how to build a more secure attachment, by building a support group, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, learning how to speak up about your needs and communicate in a healthy way, building self esteem, dating, etc.

I also loved that this book was compassionate and loving towards those with avoidant attachment styles, either dismissive or fearful. This is not shown much in attachment theory books, but I was so happy that this book was compassionate towards those with avoidant attachment styles, because they are human too, and don't deserve to be hated.

In my opinion this is the better version of the book, "Attached". I prefer this book much more over Attached.

The only flaw this book had was it didn't talk much about my attachment style, the fearful avoidant, and I wish it had a signs checklist like the other three attachment styles had. This flaw was a small one though, but all books have flaws.

I loved this book so much, and it is one I'd read over and over again! I am looking forward to her next book!

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Anxious Hearts Guide is a fantastic primer for anyone who knows they have a bias towards anxious attachment and also know they want to fix it. It was refreshing to hear Cloos talk about all of the same emotions that painted my romantic experiences over many years. When you experience challenges concerning attachment, it's easy to think you are the only one with this problem. This was a great reminder that this is not the case. i felt seen.

The recommendations that Cloos makes will not solve anxious attachment in isolation, but it gives you the launchpad you need to start working on change. There are some handy recommendations in The Anxious Hearts Guide that I am integrating into romantic situations. I highlighted this book to death so I know I will be returning to it to reinforce what I've learned and to give me a pick-me-up if I need it.

If you are dealing with anxious attachment, this is an easy recommendation. Every resource helps. Luckily in this case, The Anxious Hearts Guide hits the spot.

[Kate James · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. EVERYONE needs to read this—ESPECIALLY anxious attachers who are serious about healing and getting out of unhealthy patterns in their relationships. I absolutely loved this book. I told my therapist about it because I want her to recommend it to her other clients (hopefully that isn’t professional boundary crossing 😂 but that’s how much I think it can help others who want to change)! Rikki writes in an approachable way and has great accessible tools for us anxious peeps. She addresses not just what insecure anxious attachment is but how to address it and learn to overcome it. My favorite parts included learning to get comfortable with your own company, overcoming fear of expressing what we need and being upfront about what we want, and her journal prompts. Also loved the further reading suggestions to address behavior like people pleasing, our inner critic, and boundary setting.

If you know an anxious attacher or are one, go get this book. Now. 10/10 recommend this read. 🤩

[Daniela · Rating 5 out of 5]

con la ayuda de este libro pude darme cuenta de muchas cosas que estaba haciendo de cierta forma y el por qué las hacía de esa forma pero aún más importante, me di cuenta de que puedo funcionar de manera distinta, hacerlas diferente a como las estaba haciendo, que puedo corregir esas partes de mi, no solo para sentirme bien yo sino para poder compartirme desde ese espacio y poder hacer sentir bien a la gente que se relaciona conmigo.

toca conceptos mega importantes que me ayudaron a entenderme mejor y te otorga las herramientas para tomar el camino que te acerca a esa seguridad tan deseada para aprender a dar amor y recibir amor desde ese lugar sano y seguro.

todo el contenido me ha sido de gran utilidad, sin duda revisitaré este libro una y otra vez, cada que lo considere necesario, así como las líneas que más destacaron para mi, no se imaginan la cantidad de subrayos que hice para alguien que no raya sus libros nunca de los nuncas.

[Mirabilia · Rating 5 out of 5]

recommended by Char <3 thanks miss girl! my read during the trip to the philippines. like genuinely, while we were on the ferry to marinduque, i couldn't sleep but i'm also glad that the waves weren't choppy like i remembered. maybe shed a few tears, but emotionally...i wasn't where i was when i read this book.

i know... very hardcore--not at all relaxing vacation material BUT YES. i did read in between that random five month hiatus. my poor little book club AHAHA. where did y'all go forreal.

anywho. last recorded evidence of reading this book was answering the prompts in a journal in september but i did finish while i was in the philippines i'm pretty sure. i think reading this book opened up emotions i haven't touched in a long time. worth multiple reads.

am i trying desperately to meet my 15 book goal in the last 10 days of the year as well? haha perhaps i just wanna push myself a bit, but dang these prompts inside had me in a chokehold.

[Jemima Atar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was first drawn to this book because of the author’s Instagram page, which resonated with me because of its profound and interesting reflections on attachment. However, I found there to be a big discrepancy between the author’s Instagram and this book. The Anxious Hearts Guide seemed quite black-and-white in the advice it exuded, and many of its insights were clearly based on the personal experiences of a well-read author, but lacked complexity, nuance, and soul. Hence, I felt that the basics were well described, but the substance was a bit ‘hit and miss’, as though the author was out of her depth. Overall, I didn’t agree with everything the author had to say on this topic, though some of the more ‘common sense’ pieces of advice in the book were helpful reminders that have stayed with me.

[Zergman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book about 2 1/2 years ago. Now I won't claim that all of the changes in my life came from this one book because it didn't, but I am significantly better with my anxious attachment then I was then and I know that some of the concepts in this book helped me.

There is no question that I would recommend this book to someone that is struggling with an Anxious attachment. In fact I've bought this book twice for my daughter because she somehow lost the first one I got her and I didn't want her to miss out on its help.

[camila victoria · Rating 3 out of 5]

disliked: mostly tailored to daters and not people in relationships. it got a little slow in the end.

liked: although it was mostly tailored to daters, it helps understand the theoretical part of an anxiously attached person in a relationship. definitivamente me hizo aprender muchísimo sobre como mi cerebro funciona. fue interesante y en ocasiones me hizo repensar muchas de mis actitudes hacia otras personas . creo que todos debemos aprender cómo expresamos el amor, qué significa el amor para cada uno y cómo nuestra niñez y relaciones paternales afectan la manera en que nos desarrollemos.

[Denisa&#x1f380; · Rating 1 out of 5]

If I could only say one thing about this book, it would be that it severly overpromises and underdelivers.
While reading it, I was feeling as if the author was only looking to fill the pages. It's literally written like an Instagram post, which I suppose for some could be a positive note because of the friendly tone used, but for me, all of it, including the overly-simplistic approach, the repetitiveness (therapy was recommended I think like 100 times), its lack of depth on a subject that is in and of itself so complex.
Superficial and disappointing.

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Half of this was pretty basic and while there were some good nuggets in there, the background of the author is very clear - an Instagrammer, not a writer. All very short snippets without a lot of research besides the author's own experiences to back it up. It felt very "you should do this" which was a bit offputting at times. There were some uncomfortable bits in there that I certainly needed to hear, but I find this hard to recommend to others as it just didn't feel very nuanced.

[Arya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sooo not drawn to the Introduction. Personally, i thought there were so many repetition that i so wished the author would just get to the point already xD (my impatience speaking). But from Chapter 1 onward, it was very helpful. Right amount of information with methods and tools to help coping with emotion and slowing down, plus the suggested reading list (THANK YOU for that!). It saved sooo much time to know where to go next that help focus on certain problem.

[Grace Romanelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

A messy situationship got me extremely into learning about attachment styles. Of the self-help variety, but I found it super interesting. And if you’re wondering if you should date the bar tender/photographer from the corner bar who flirts with you and plays your favorite ABBA songs and I Wanna Be With You Everywhere when you come into the bar- the answer is NO. But if you do, this book will help you navigate the fall out. Spoiler alert- he has an avoidant attachment style, sis…and probably a drug habit.

[Elizabeth Burton, LCSW, PMH-C · Rating 4 out of 5]

While not comprehensive, I do think it’s a great primer and introduction to anxious attachment styles. It’s written as if sitting over coffee with a friend, which is think many will appreciate. It’s a good one to have on audio to re-listen and empower those working on their anxious attachment wounds.

[Jason Murle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Got the book because I appreciate (as an “Anxious Heart”) her Instagram posts and how she shares “practice phrases”, not just attitudes, information, and the psychology-behind…though she does. I will reread this and enjoy seeing how I have healed and improved in my relationships with myself and others.

[Kendra Garrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this along with completing the 21 day challenge workbook (although it took me much longer than 21 days to finish). I really enjoyed the writing style and how REAL all of this was. So many helpful tips and I really enjoyed the authors perspective. I’d highly recommend this and the 21 day challenge!

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very thankful for this read, it could not have come at a better time. I learned things about my attachment style that I didn't know before. I'm able to connect dots where I didn't before, and it helps me already make sense of why I struggle to heal so much.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really couldn't recommend this book more

So helpful for anyone learning about their attachment style in relationships. Not just informative for anxious types, even disorganized and avoidants could learn some things here. I wish I would have found this sooner in my life.

[Pupoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book guide for people that identify with having an anxious attachment style. It truly helped me through my attachment style before by using the strategies, tools and references to other guides as well.
I am so thankful for this author.