*thank you Edelweiss for providing me an advanced readers copy*
I was really excited to read this book because, as someone with OCD, I feel like it is extremely misrepresented in books and media. So the combination of a main character with actual OCD, a road-trip story, and a forbidden romance had me excited to read this book, but it ended up falling a bit flat for me.
First, I’ll talk about the romance… it was EXTREMELY dull and felt super, super meh. I felt no connection to the love interest at all, and so their relationship just felt boring. They throw around the word love at the end, but she seems to have nothing more than an exaggerated crush on him, and he gives me the vibe that he’ll get bored of her and dump her eventually because it’s been explained that he has a very short attention span with girls he dates, and there is nothing hinting that she’ll actually be any different. So I just couldn’t connect with them at all, especially since their dialogue mainly consisted of awkwardness, a tiny bit of banter every now and then, and like maybe one serious conversation. There was just nothing there for me.
Next, there was the friendship with Florie and her and her best friend, Kacey. I actually really liked their dynamic, but I wish we got more of it. I feel like I was TOLD that they were best friends by both characters more than I was shown it. There were definitely a lot of cute moments that made it clear they loved each other and were super close, but I think it was ruined by the fact that we didn’t get a lot of scenes with them one on one. Also, the conflict with Florie kissing Kaceys brother was resolved SO QUICKLY after such a build up, which was unsatisfying.
Another big part of the story is Florie’s relationship with her mom. I think my main issue with this is that, for the first 3/4 of the story, her mom is only mentioned every now and then as someone who stresses her out or gets in the way. For the first half of the story, her relationship with her mom doesn’t seem like it’ll come off as anything important and like it’s just a nuisance, then suddenly, in the last quarter of the story, it becomes the main conflict and the biggest deal. I wish we had a bit more build up to that. We definitely got some, but i think it would have been better if there was a bit more, but to better set up the arc of the story. Another big issue I had with the mom character was that she kinda just completely flipped at the end. Like, there were some moments where it seemed like her mom was a little emotionally abusive, and I feel like the worst aspects of their relationship weren’t even how controlling her mom was (which is the issue they resolve in the end), but more so the way her mom talks to her and treats her. I felt like the way her mom handled conversations with her just as bad as the control issue, but only the control thing was resolved, and it happened out of nowhere. Throughout most of Florie’s interactions with her mom, her mom is cold, horrible at communion, never listens to a word Florie says, convinces Florie she is not capable of anything, etc., but then suddenly at the end, her mom is mature and has an open convo with Florie, and there was no growth to lead to that.
Lastly, I’d like to talk about the most important aspect of the story, and the reason I gave it 3 stars instead of 2 or 2.5: the OCD representation. As I mentioned in the beginning, ocd is horribly represented in mainstream media, and as someone who has it, I know how harmful that misrepresentation can be, because it causes people to minimize the amount of suffering it can cause. So many people thing OCD is just organization or cleanliness, which is not the case for everyone, so it was refreshing to have a main character with OCD that has little to do with being clean or organized, and more to do with the dozens of OTHER symptoms of OCD that get swept under the rug in mainstream media. Here are my favorite examples of OCD in the story that I REALLY related to:
-Florie not being able to sleep until the tiny thought entered her head that the door could be unlocked and having to go check again, then had to click the lock 9 times until her anxiety calmed down (my ocd number is 8 and I use to do the exact same thing every single night for years)
- “And OCD isn’t what the media’s made it out to be, especially purely obsessional OCD, which is what I struggle with. I enjoy cleaning and organizing as much as the next person, sure, but that’s not what obsessive-compulsive disorder is about. More often than not, OCD is fighting against a monster that feasts on your worst fears. A monster that makes you doubt everything, from your actions to your thoughts to even your emotions. There’s no upside to OCD. No superhero cleanliness. No extra sense of awareness. Nothing.”
- “Everyone has intrusive thoughts, sure, but a brain like mine doesn’t know which thoughts have value and which are designed to destroy me from the inside out.”
- “I hesitate, but I have nothing left to lose with Sam. But explaining OCD is hard—so much of it is internal. “I can try. . . . Um. We all have anxiety, right? Some worse than others. But OCD is like anxiety gone wild. My brain doesn’t really know what thoughts or worries have value, but it’ll latch onto something that causes me distress.” My eyes are still closed, but they’re damp. “And then I’ll find something—anything—to ease the anxiety caused by the distressing thought or worry. But by easing the anxiety, it only worsens it. Because it’s like I’m telling my brain, ‘Hey, this worry has value. We should pay attention to it!’ In reality, it’s just some random, irrational fear my OCD is tormenting me with. It’s a cycle. An exhausting cycle.”
- “Confirmation bias is when you cherry-pick what information to believe—and you reject any information or evidence to the contrary. For people with OCD, especially Pure-O . . . it can turn really ugly. I overvalue unwanted thoughts and beliefs about myself, constantly. Sometimes, I even seek out every negative thing to confirm every negative thought I’ve ever had about myself.”
- “I spend . . . um, I spend a lot of time feeling worthless, and when something happens that could be evidence of my worthlessness, I latch onto it. Because it makes sense, you know? It’s familiar. It’s like someone telling you everything you want to hear, but it’s every negative, bad thing about yourself.”
- “Anything that Sam did or said that reinforced my worthlessness, I valued. And anything else . . . I ignored. Because I’m so used to feeling worthless. I cherry-picked.”
- “All my OCD really does is make me doubt myself, and sometimes it’s hard to figure out which feelings are real and true.”
I really like that some of these things were talked about, because a lot of people don’t know about these parts of OCD. Overall, OCD is a lot of giving every single negative thought value, causing your brain to obsess over it. Because of that, it can lead to bad depression and anxiety. Something I really resonated with is when Florie talked about the worthlessness thing, and how everything that could constantly confirm her feeling of worthlessness does, and everything to the contrary gets ignored, because OCD decides what you get to obsess over, and logic has no say. This also happens with intrusive thoughts. Everyone has them, but OCD makes your brain assume that the fact u had those thoughts means ur crazy, or that those thoughts are true, especially the negative ones about yourself. I think she gave a lot of really good explanations of different aspects of ocd, and though there of course many more layers to it and symptoms, I liked the way she explained the symptoms that the main character was suffering with.
My biggest issue with the ocd rep was that it felt like I was told Florie had ocd more than I was shown it. She talked to herself about her ocd, and to other people, and we are TOLD that it has been really bad, but there are only a few examples thrown in the story that actually show it, and most of the examples are the ones I already quoted above. I rarely saw any signs of ocd in her thought patterns at all, unless she was TALKING about her ocd. There were definitely moments she had those thought patterns, but they were only a few times in the story. Now of course, ocd can be different for everyone, but we are constantly told that she has bad ocd, but her thoughts don’t really reflect it until the author remembers and throws something in there. I wish we got to see more of her struggling with it instead of only being told a few times about how she has struggled, especially because ocd can be a constant thing that harasses our thoughts and effects the way we think 24/7. Not always, because OCD is definitely a spectrum, but when ocd is bad, like the story was convincing us it was for Florie, it doesn’t just flare up once or twice a day, it badgers at us consistently and we just have to train our brains to deal with it. Since we were told more than we were shown, it caused me to feel a little disconnected from the character, and from the story overall.
Anyways, sorry this was so long, I think I just took it seriously because the topic is something I resonate with. Overall, this book is fine, but definitely a good book for people that no absolutely nothing about ocd to read, since it’s one of the disorders with the most misconceptions and that is very devalued.