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The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the Twenty-First-Century Family
A revealing look at stay-at-home fatherhood-for men, their families, and for American society
It's a growing phenomenon among American fathers who cut back on paid work to focus on raising children. But what happens when dads stay home? What do stay-at-home fathers struggle with-and what do they rejoice in? How does taking up the mother's traditional role affect a father's relationship with his partner, children, and extended family? And what does stay-at-home fatherhood mean for the larger society?
In chapters that alternate between large-scale analysis and intimate portraits of men and their families, journalist Jeremy Adam Smith traces the complications, myths, psychology, sociology, and history of a new set of social relationships with far-reaching implications. As the American economy faces its greatest crisis since the Great Depression, Smith reveals that many mothers today have the ability to support families and fathers are no longer narrowly defined by their ability to make money-they have the capacity to be caregivers as well.
The result, Smith argues, is a startling evolutionary advance in the American family, one that will help families better survive the twenty-first century. As Smith explains, stay-at-home dads represent a logical culmination of fifty years of family change, from a time when the idea of men caring for children was literally inconceivable, to a new era when at-home dads are a small but growing part of the landscape. Their numbers and cultural importance will continue to rise-and Smith argues that they must rise, as the unstable, global, creative, technological economy makes flexible gender roles both more possible and more desirable.
But the stories of real people form the heart of this couples from every part of the country and every walk of life. They range from working class to affluent, and they are black, white, Asian, and Latino. We meet Chien, who came to Kansas City as a refugee from the Vietnam War and today takes care of a growing family; Kent, a midwestern dad who nursed his son through life-threatening disabilities (and Kent's wife, Misun, who has never doubted for a moment that breadwinning is the best thing she can do for her family); Ta-Nehisi, a writer in Harlem who sees involved fatherhood as "the ultimate service to black people"; Michael, a gay stay-at-home dad in Oakland who enjoys a profoundly loving and egalitarian partnership with his husband; and many others. Through their stories, we discover that as America has evolved and diversified, so has fatherhood.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
It's a growing phenomenon among American fathers who cut back on paid work to focus on raising children. But what happens when dads stay home? What do stay-at-home fathers struggle with-and what do they rejoice in? How does taking up the mother's traditional role affect a father's relationship with his partner, children, and extended family? And what does stay-at-home fatherhood mean for the larger society?
In chapters that alternate between large-scale analysis and intimate portraits of men and their families, journalist Jeremy Adam Smith traces the complications, myths, psychology, sociology, and history of a new set of social relationships with far-reaching implications. As the American economy faces its greatest crisis since the Great Depression, Smith reveals that many mothers today have the ability to support families and fathers are no longer narrowly defined by their ability to make money-they have the capacity to be caregivers as well.
The result, Smith argues, is a startling evolutionary advance in the American family, one that will help families better survive the twenty-first century. As Smith explains, stay-at-home dads represent a logical culmination of fifty years of family change, from a time when the idea of men caring for children was literally inconceivable, to a new era when at-home dads are a small but growing part of the landscape. Their numbers and cultural importance will continue to rise-and Smith argues that they must rise, as the unstable, global, creative, technological economy makes flexible gender roles both more possible and more desirable.
But the stories of real people form the heart of this couples from every part of the country and every walk of life. They range from working class to affluent, and they are black, white, Asian, and Latino. We meet Chien, who came to Kansas City as a refugee from the Vietnam War and today takes care of a growing family; Kent, a midwestern dad who nursed his son through life-threatening disabilities (and Kent's wife, Misun, who has never doubted for a moment that breadwinning is the best thing she can do for her family); Ta-Nehisi, a writer in Harlem who sees involved fatherhood as "the ultimate service to black people"; Michael, a gay stay-at-home dad in Oakland who enjoys a profoundly loving and egalitarian partnership with his husband; and many others. Through their stories, we discover that as America has evolved and diversified, so has fatherhood.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published June 1, 2009
3 people are currently reading
83 people want to read
About the author
Jeremy Adam Smith
10 books14 followersJeremy Adam Smith is the author of The Daddy Shift, forthcoming from Beacon Press in June 2009; co-editor of The Compassionate Instinct, forthcoming from W.W. Norton & Co. in January 2010; and co-editor of Are We Born Racist?, which Beacon Press will publish in Spring 2010.
He is senior editor of Greater Good magazine, published by the U.C. Berkeley Greater Good Science Center. “Greater Good magazine offers the best coverage anywhere of the emerging science of empathy, altruism and compassion--plus the writing makes technical findings a pleasure to read about,” says Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence.
Jeremy is also the founder of Daddy Dialectic, a group blog that explores the experiences of twenty-first-century dads, which has earned praise from the Washington Post, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, and many corners of the blogosphere.
His essays, short stories, and articles on parenting, popular culture, urban life, and politics have appeared in AlterNet, The Nation, Mothering, Mothers Movement Online, Our Stories, Public Eye, San Francisco Bay Guardian, San Francisco Chronicle, Utne Reader, Wired, and numerous other periodicals and books, most recently the anthology Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex and Power. Jeremy has also been interviewed by many media outlets, including The New York Times, USA Today, Nightline, The Forum with Michael Krasny, The Agenda with Steve Paikin, KPFA, Newhouse News Service, Toronto Star, SF Weekly, and Chicago Reader.
His book, The Daddy Shift, will tell the stories of fathers who have embraced caregiving and egalitarian marriages, explore the hopes and ideals that inform their choices, and analyze the economic and social developments that have made their choices possible. “Forty years ago, a man who wanted to share child-care equally with his wife would have been called 'deviant' and a wife who wanted him to would have been condemned as an 'unnatural' mother,” says Stephanie Coontz, historian and author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. “The Daddy Shift shows how far we have come and how much we have to gain by completing this revolution in marriage and parenthood.”
He is senior editor of Greater Good magazine, published by the U.C. Berkeley Greater Good Science Center. “Greater Good magazine offers the best coverage anywhere of the emerging science of empathy, altruism and compassion--plus the writing makes technical findings a pleasure to read about,” says Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence.
Jeremy is also the founder of Daddy Dialectic, a group blog that explores the experiences of twenty-first-century dads, which has earned praise from the Washington Post, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, and many corners of the blogosphere.
His essays, short stories, and articles on parenting, popular culture, urban life, and politics have appeared in AlterNet, The Nation, Mothering, Mothers Movement Online, Our Stories, Public Eye, San Francisco Bay Guardian, San Francisco Chronicle, Utne Reader, Wired, and numerous other periodicals and books, most recently the anthology Men Speak Out: Views on Gender, Sex and Power. Jeremy has also been interviewed by many media outlets, including The New York Times, USA Today, Nightline, The Forum with Michael Krasny, The Agenda with Steve Paikin, KPFA, Newhouse News Service, Toronto Star, SF Weekly, and Chicago Reader.
His book, The Daddy Shift, will tell the stories of fathers who have embraced caregiving and egalitarian marriages, explore the hopes and ideals that inform their choices, and analyze the economic and social developments that have made their choices possible. “Forty years ago, a man who wanted to share child-care equally with his wife would have been called 'deviant' and a wife who wanted him to would have been condemned as an 'unnatural' mother,” says Stephanie Coontz, historian and author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. “The Daddy Shift shows how far we have come and how much we have to gain by completing this revolution in marriage and parenthood.”
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
April 24, 2010
The Daddy Shift provides a glimpse into the lives of stay at home dads, both anecdotally and statistically. Through interviews with SAHDs of all backgrounds, Smith does a great job of bringing out the diversity of their situations and backgrounds; the trend towards male caretakers isn't just a coastal upper middle class white thing, we learn.
The book's main flaws are that Smith tends to see his own situation as the ideal - a mother staying home with babies for the first year after which a father takes a shift as a primary caretaker. I'm happy this worked out for him, but I'm not sure it's everyone's ideal or the right situation for every home. There also tends to be a negative view of fathers whose primary role is that of a breadwinner, while these aspersions aren't cast on female breadwinners. Partly, that's probably because Smith hints that breadwinner mothers are still very involved in the lives of their children, but this difference could be explored more.
The best, and possibly most useful to those who can't have a father at home full time, passages were, I thought, the cautions about the role of mothers as gatekeepers to their children.
The book's main flaws are that Smith tends to see his own situation as the ideal - a mother staying home with babies for the first year after which a father takes a shift as a primary caretaker. I'm happy this worked out for him, but I'm not sure it's everyone's ideal or the right situation for every home. There also tends to be a negative view of fathers whose primary role is that of a breadwinner, while these aspersions aren't cast on female breadwinners. Partly, that's probably because Smith hints that breadwinner mothers are still very involved in the lives of their children, but this difference could be explored more.
The best, and possibly most useful to those who can't have a father at home full time, passages were, I thought, the cautions about the role of mothers as gatekeepers to their children.
September 30, 2009
I really liked this book. I'm a 40 year old dad currently deferring to my military wife's career. Obviously I could connect with the personal anecdotes in the book, but what I also found fascinating was the social science research that helped dispel myths, and explain the currently unfolding phenomenon of the stay at home dad. Another interesting note - I was mildly surprised to learn that my own father's equitable role in housework and raising three kids in the 1970s was practically unheard of - I wish my father were still alive so I could tell him how happy I was that he was such a good role model for myself and other 21st century dads!
December 31, 2015
This book started out interesting and helpful but at some point it started feeling more like an essay the author was forced to write and less like a helpful set of information for someone wondering about being a stay-at-home dad.
August 24, 2018
I think it was a reasonably thorough look at the ways things have changed and are changing for fathers in the last few decades. I wish it was published more recently than 2009 because he Great Recession and the nationwide advent of legalized same-sex marriage that have happened in the meantime probably would’ve been able to provide more good information.
May 14, 2025
I could not believe this book is written in 2009. It is like an image of the West world in 2025.
I would like to check the statistics of his work in 2025. I think every thing is more and more extreme nowadays.
I would like to check the statistics of his work in 2025. I think every thing is more and more extreme nowadays.
January 7, 2019
The right mix of research, profiles, personal anecdotes, and readability
July 8, 2009
Jeremy Adam Smith does a good job at laying out the path society took to get to where more dads are staying home with more and more moms leave in the morning for the office in "The Daddy Shift".
A collision of feminist wins (job discrimination protections, Title IX) and a change in economics (male-dominated jobs outsourced overseas) has lead to a moment where it appears that working women are on the uptick and working men on a downward slide. This has lead to the rise of bread-winning women and this had given men the economic ability to choose work or caregiving full-time.
The families Smith profiles are diverse by age, race/ethnicity, politics and class. They answer the question of why with simplicity. Why would a man give up his work to stay at home? Why would a woman choose work over her child(ren)? Oddly Smith somehow fails to profile a two-dad family until the conclusion and it comes off as an after thought. Gay male households often have a higher family income and thus may be more prone to having a stay at home dad.
Two main ideas stuck out that may provide key to this revolution (I disagree with Smith who thinks of the Daddy Shift as an evolution): 1) Redefining fatherhood as providing for children's emotional well-being and/or breaking any aspect of financial support off of the definition (A paid job does not define fatherhood - How you father does) and 2) Redefining the providing aspect of motherhood to include paid work. The diversity in class stories provide evidence that working moms are not working for the modern equivalent of pin money - tennis lessons or a bigger house. Rather she loves her work, is often being paid more and bringing home better benefits for the family's survival. Makes you wonder what the family would look like if we had universal healthcare that wasn't tied to employment.
Back to that revolution: Ironically Smith says that parenting isn't the same as activism. I know a long list of moms who would say otherwise. I believe that is because many women do stop and consider the things that come with motherhood that Smith admits he didn't - the cost of living, cost of child care, impact on our careers, etc.
I was put off by the gender stereotypes presented especially the mom is more cautious and the dad lets kids explore tenor. Not just because they are stereotypes, but because it's the exact opposite in my family. I also got the sense that Smith presented stay-at-home-dads as having made an economic sacrifice (as it is) and contrasted it with stay-at-home-moms view that a certain level of luxury is expected:
"My wife doesn't want to work, but she wants a nanny two days a week and she wants to be able to buy clothes. She's depending on me to be the provider, and so are the kids." - A chemical engineer dad who spends two hours a day with his children.
There was a clear distinction of how different classes viewed child care. It's hard for me to wrap my head around it as we had a great experience with child care for our daughter. She started at 4 months in full day child care and only two times ever cried as I left her. But as Smith points out, those of us who can afford to pay for top of the line care get great care. Lower class parents get to choose from lower-level care or staying at home. So yes, it does make more sense that there are more stay-at-home parents who start out as working class/low-income.
As I did put my daughter in child care it was also hard to hear story after story of parents who say, "I couldn't see myself letting someone else raise my child," or "After all we went through with adoption, why would I hand her over to someone else?" I understand logically, but it's still hard.
"The Daddy Shift" is a wonderful peek into an emerging new world of fatherhood where men of all sorts of backgrounds decide that they will be the one to stay home and raise the kids. And as the subtitle says, it is also a peek into shared parenting.
A collision of feminist wins (job discrimination protections, Title IX) and a change in economics (male-dominated jobs outsourced overseas) has lead to a moment where it appears that working women are on the uptick and working men on a downward slide. This has lead to the rise of bread-winning women and this had given men the economic ability to choose work or caregiving full-time.
The families Smith profiles are diverse by age, race/ethnicity, politics and class. They answer the question of why with simplicity. Why would a man give up his work to stay at home? Why would a woman choose work over her child(ren)? Oddly Smith somehow fails to profile a two-dad family until the conclusion and it comes off as an after thought. Gay male households often have a higher family income and thus may be more prone to having a stay at home dad.
Two main ideas stuck out that may provide key to this revolution (I disagree with Smith who thinks of the Daddy Shift as an evolution): 1) Redefining fatherhood as providing for children's emotional well-being and/or breaking any aspect of financial support off of the definition (A paid job does not define fatherhood - How you father does) and 2) Redefining the providing aspect of motherhood to include paid work. The diversity in class stories provide evidence that working moms are not working for the modern equivalent of pin money - tennis lessons or a bigger house. Rather she loves her work, is often being paid more and bringing home better benefits for the family's survival. Makes you wonder what the family would look like if we had universal healthcare that wasn't tied to employment.
Back to that revolution: Ironically Smith says that parenting isn't the same as activism. I know a long list of moms who would say otherwise. I believe that is because many women do stop and consider the things that come with motherhood that Smith admits he didn't - the cost of living, cost of child care, impact on our careers, etc.
I was put off by the gender stereotypes presented especially the mom is more cautious and the dad lets kids explore tenor. Not just because they are stereotypes, but because it's the exact opposite in my family. I also got the sense that Smith presented stay-at-home-dads as having made an economic sacrifice (as it is) and contrasted it with stay-at-home-moms view that a certain level of luxury is expected:
"My wife doesn't want to work, but she wants a nanny two days a week and she wants to be able to buy clothes. She's depending on me to be the provider, and so are the kids." - A chemical engineer dad who spends two hours a day with his children.
There was a clear distinction of how different classes viewed child care. It's hard for me to wrap my head around it as we had a great experience with child care for our daughter. She started at 4 months in full day child care and only two times ever cried as I left her. But as Smith points out, those of us who can afford to pay for top of the line care get great care. Lower class parents get to choose from lower-level care or staying at home. So yes, it does make more sense that there are more stay-at-home parents who start out as working class/low-income.
As I did put my daughter in child care it was also hard to hear story after story of parents who say, "I couldn't see myself letting someone else raise my child," or "After all we went through with adoption, why would I hand her over to someone else?" I understand logically, but it's still hard.
"The Daddy Shift" is a wonderful peek into an emerging new world of fatherhood where men of all sorts of backgrounds decide that they will be the one to stay home and raise the kids. And as the subtitle says, it is also a peek into shared parenting.
November 16, 2009
Rather than tell you what the modern stay-at-home father does, this book tells you what society thinks about them. Although written by a blogger, there are all sorts of studies and statistics. I got the feeling halfway through that it was a textbook for one of those progressive new family studies courses. Interesting as ever to compare east and west coast behavior, like whether working mothers regularly question their husband's basic domestic competence -- in here, no; in similar books full of Manhattanites, absolutely. Some of the scenarios are pretty utopian and some conclusions are confusing, especially when he gets onto race, but there are some sensible points about why men can find it easier to balance home and career (less pressure -- internal and external -- to do it all perfectly, basically). It is depressing to consider the argument that more stay-at-home dads means more lobbying for decent family-friendly programs. Why couldn't they have cared before? Less seriously, his footnote on Caitlin Flanagan and Linda Hirshman was possibly my favorite part of the book.
July 25, 2010
I really enjoyed this book. I think the author does a good job of being inclusive without sounding so much like a hippie that he's going to alienate folks. It's easy to be disheartened by the studies that are frequently cited about how little men still contribute to child care and to household work, and how rare equally shared parenting is. While Smith doesn't gloss over this, not only does he discuss many of the cultural and social factors that may contribute to this (and may contribute to under-reporting of the childcare and household work that men already do), but he describes some really interesting and diverse examples of households that are already engaged in non-traditional parenting.
I would recommend this not only to those who are interested in reverse-traditional or equally shared parenting, but to any parents or prospective parents.
I would recommend this not only to those who are interested in reverse-traditional or equally shared parenting, but to any parents or prospective parents.
December 14, 2009
Usually when I start something new, I'll read a heavy cross-section of books on the subject, but for whatever reason when I became a Stay At Home Dad the only related "Dad" book I read was AlternaDad...until I stumbled upon this at the library. It's very well done -- intelligent and articulate writing that explores the history of fathers in these United States and where fatherhood (specifically those who are the primary caregivers) is headed. I was slightly disappointed that the statistics and history in the end overwhelm the author's own fatherhood experiences and his interviews with other SAHDs but it still would be the first book I gave to a friend who was about to embark on this specific adventure.
January 10, 2010
Wired writer and mostly-at-home dad Smith profiles a stay-at-home dads, and explores the social and economic changes that are making them more common.
It's a thoughtful book, reassuring even to us dads who work outside the home, mostly because it makes it clear that all those other parents my age have no clue what we're doing either. (Turns out we're all making it up as we go along.)
I'm a little too attached to our current standard of living to make radical changes in how I work, but this does encourage me to keep aiming for a work week that's more likely to be forty hours than sixty. Smith's larger point is that the exact balance between job and family is less important than having a balance, which is always a good thing to be reminded of.
It's a thoughtful book, reassuring even to us dads who work outside the home, mostly because it makes it clear that all those other parents my age have no clue what we're doing either. (Turns out we're all making it up as we go along.)
I'm a little too attached to our current standard of living to make radical changes in how I work, but this does encourage me to keep aiming for a work week that's more likely to be forty hours than sixty. Smith's larger point is that the exact balance between job and family is less important than having a balance, which is always a good thing to be reminded of.
January 19, 2012
I recently met the author of this book on his book tour for Rad Dad. When I came home and spoke with my husband about how the reading went, I said of this guy "he was just so...earnest." He seemed like the kind of guy who looks you in the eyes when he's talking with you and speaks in the kind of unguarded way that one only can do when one is willing to be a bit vulnerable and completely forsake being cool. I loved this about him when I met him, and his book was endearing for pretty much the same reasons.
February 15, 2013
As with all book that are putting forward a point of view, I spent a lot of time thinking about the audience. To fathers not interested in being primary or co-primary care givers, this isn't going to change their minds. To fathers who want that role, this is going to read like a lot of common sense. I think this book is best for those fathers who didn't necessarily want that role, but find themselves thrust into it.
July 14, 2009
What a great find - props to Em! I thought it was going to be a collection of amusing anecdotes but it actually intersperses real stories w/ the changes and expansion of gender roles over time and various demographics.
August 24, 2009
It was an interesting read about issues that Stay at Home Dads (SAHD) face and how things have changed over the years. Economics is a big issue that required SAHDs to stay at home. I find it odd that conservatives want a woman to stay at home, but want to keep wages down.
December 6, 2009
This is an interesting look on changing work and child care patterns written by a writer who was a stay-at-home dad. I am glad the communities I am most involved in encourage dads to be as involved with their children as possible because it benefits children, dads and moms.
Read
July 1, 2011This just couldn't hold my attention. Interesting stuff, but it was due back at the library and I just didn't feel strongly enough about it to renew it. Maybe because I'm neither a dad nor married to one nor do I have kids... but someday maybe I'll come back to it.
March 18, 2016
I read this for research on an article I'm writing on stay at home dads, but it's interesting for many other reasons as well. It's a great book on the value of dads in parenting and our changing family structures. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
September 16, 2009
Thorough overview of how fathers' roles are evolving, with a good mixture of data and case studies. And I'm in the index!
Read
August 19, 2009A book about me!
July 20, 2009
Very interesting. Lots of historical perspective.
March 19, 2010
I read most of this in draft form. It's an excellent, informative book for all dads and moms. A game changer, to use a popular phrase.
February 17, 2012
Everything I wanted from a glimpse into the lives of stay at home dads. Some interesting history, a few sappy anecdotal stories, and some really genuine writing. Great read!
March 6, 2012
Great book overall.
My only criticism is the idea that one parent stay home for one year with the child after birth is ideal. That's just enough time to become truly irrelevant in the workplace.
My only criticism is the idea that one parent stay home for one year with the child after birth is ideal. That's just enough time to become truly irrelevant in the workplace.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews