The Cost of Control: Why We Crave It, the Anxiety It Gives Us, and the Real Power God Promises

by Sharon Hodde Miller

We all wish we had more control. When our relationships are strained, when our bodies refuse to cooperate, when the future is uncertain, control promises security and peace. If only I were in charge, we dream. And this illusion seems more attainable than ever. Technology, science, medicine, and the internet all promise us ever-increasing mastery over our world.

The problem is, control is a "devil's deal." The more we seek it, the more it betrays us. In place of predictability, it gives us anxiety. In place of certainty, it creates more complexity. And in place of unity, it divides. It's not just that we cannot control things; it's that we break them even more when we try.

Thankfully the answer to our craving is not simply to "let go and let God." When our kids aren't listening, when our loved ones are self-destructing, or when our health is declining, we don't have to scramble after control, nor do we have to throw up our hands. Instead, God has given us a better tool.

In this culturally insightful and eye-opening book, Sharon Hodde Miller helps us discover the real power God has given us in Christ, to exercise influence over ourselves and our lives.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Faith, Christian Living, Christianity, Spirituality

198 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 16, 2022

Reviews

[K.J. Ramsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sharon Hodde Miller is a master of cogent and compassionate communication. (And while this book is more squarely evangelical in language than I prefer, it’s full of solid wisdom.) The Cost of Control is a simple, clear book that sews together what Scripture has to say about control with the way control shows up in our stories—offering us a tapestry of thriving that is stronger and more satisfying than control: agency.

[Bailey Riegel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book! If you are someone who struggles with control (as most of us are) I recommend reading. It really lays out the real impact of trying to control your life which was a bit of a wake-up call for me. My criticism would be that it doesn’t give a lot of practical solutions to the problem. It was helpful on why you need to give up control, but not super helpful on how!

[Hannah Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read for anyone in any season…but especially great if you’re four weeks away from parenthood. 😜

[Kristi Wicks · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think I was expecting a different book... My desire for control issues were very different from the author's as she wrote about wanting to conform people's viewpoints to her own, money, power, etc. Whereas my anxiety comes more from wanting to control smaller things like being somewhere on time, when a store is out of what I need, etc. She laid out her points but I didn't feel like there was anything really new or insightful in solutions. I also didn't see eye to eye as a female being a teaching pastor and a couple times she mentioned her need for others to see things accurately in scripture, which was hard when you see her view wrong yourself. Not a book I would recommend.

[Rachel Thacher · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW wow WOW.

Just so timely and good and C O N V I C T I N G.

Highly recommend for those of us who need guidance on surrendering control to the Lord and dethroning the idol of control in our life.

Miller does an incredible job humbly sharing her journey and communicating truth in an easily digestible read that packs a punch. So good!

[Michelle Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was recommended to me to read. I wasn’t sure what to think initially because of the unknown source. Overall it was ok to me. It did have several points that helped me consider if my heart was seeking control in certain situations. Although I do think the book assume every time you sin it was strictly a desire to control, when it may have been more likely a heart of pride or something else underneath. It could have gone deeper. It was also lacking more depth on what truths to seek once control is recognized. I wouldn’t read it again, but I had to finish it.

[Sydney Shryock · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book! Very convicting. I like how the book laid out how control is seen in scripture (discussed Genesis 3 with Adam and Eve in the garden), different ways we control, and then an application at the end. One thing I really enjoy is the reflection questions at the end of each chapter - it provides a great opportunity to apply and reflect on what the chapter discussed. There are more chapters on the what/why and fewer on the application/what now, but there is so much more to talk about on how we control than how to change that habit. This book opened my eyes to the little ways control sneaks into my habits/ways of living. Highly recommend giving it a read!!

[Lucas Shryock · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good book on how to let go of the control that is obvious in your life, but also the different forms of control that sneaks under the rug in your life.

As Edwin Friedman puts it so well: I long to become a person of a non-anxious presence. This is a quote from another book that the author used.

“We are a reactive culture that is becoming more and more vicious by the day But how do we stop it Friedman argues that the only way to break this cycle is for someone to be a non-anxious presence.
Rather than react, they listen, they remain sincere, they maintain a healthy emotional distance, they are appropriately playful, and they intentionally avoid reactive interactions.”

Great for self reflection and daily growth 🙂

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I think it pointed out clearly the increasing problem that we have with control in our culture and in this day and age and how that relates to increasing anxiety. I could relate with a lot of the examples the author gave. I especially enjoyed the last few chapters where she gives ways to respond differently to the desire for control. I felt there were some very golden truths in that section that I will continue to ponder.

[Lydia Gunter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can't put my finger on why I disliked this book so much. Something about the author and how she presented herself grated on me. And truth be told, the book was not very helpful.

My one takeaway was, "Knowledge does not equal control". No matter how much I study and understand something, it doesn't mean I can change it.

[Misty Wilson read.fine.print · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Control is the key—to take that victory!”

That was a cheer when I was a ninth grade cheerleader. For some reason that was in my head every time I saw the cover of this book! And control might be the key to sports teams, but it’s not the key to daily life. The tagline of this book says it all, “Why we crave it, the anxiety it gives us, and the real power God promises.”

I hadn’t thought about how many ways the desire for control impacts our lives. This author examines how we want to control knowledge and information, power, money, autonomy, theology and shame. She carries the theme of Adam and Eve desiring control in the garden throughout the book.

A few chapters of this book emphasize the same concepts that the book The Anxious Generation covers, but from a biblical perspective. My only problem with the book is when it came down to it I don’t think the author clarified the solution to the problem of control.

Here was a good quote from the book. I loved the phrase “Our spiritual muscles of trust and surrender have atrophied.” Due to the age we live in, we have forgotten how to trust God and instead we trust technology and google and our own opinions.

“Because control is a God category, not a human one. God can do whatever he wills, but we cannot. Not with the same unfettered sovereignty as he can. And for much of history, humans have understood this, because they lived it. They lived at the mercy of the weather, sickness, foreign powers, and the "gods." It was their undeniable reality. We, on the other hand, live in an unreality made possible by our technology, and because of this, we are retreating further and further into the illusion of control. In contrast with generations before us, our spiritual muscles of trust, of surrender, and of accepting our limitations have atrophied.”

[DT · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is perfection. It is theologically sound while being well-written and well-researched. Miller not only diagnoses the issues of control that we face, but provides the solution. She touches on a wide variety of areas in our lives where we want to exercise control — money, power, our bodies, etc. A lot of her insights were very convicting for me.

I really appreciated the poignant prayers at the end of each chapter as well. This is definitely a book worth buying so that you can keep referring back to it.

[Maggie Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall really enjoyed this book and found myself challenged in each chapter. This led to a lot of self reflection and analysis of ways that I seek to control. It helped me to name habits I have of control that I never realized were related to control.

A specific (and honestly minuscule) part that was life giving to me was her discussion on control of our bodies particularly in relationship to childbirth.

[Elizabeth Kerns · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book isn’t reinventing the wheel, but it’s an easy read and affirms much of what i’ve been wrestling with lately. i can see why my mom recommended it and i’m glad to have read it—even if only for her thesis re the relationship between anxiety and control, esp. in a post-COVID world. very insightful!

[Devon Flaherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am attempting to read like the wind from now till the end of the year. I have many titles that I set out to read in 2022 and even shoved up there into the Goodreads universe of book goals. But I am distractable; it is the nature of ADHD. But did you know, no matter what things I am “reading like the wind” or like a breeze, I always have one second title going at a rate of about a chapter per day? These books are meant less for entertainment and more for edification. (There are ways in which both of the categories of books accomplish the goals of the other, but this is the basic idea.) I have actually been reading a series of books on sex, Christianity, shame, and the Purity Movement. But when my (new) pastor published a book (last week) which she was covering in her sermons (not related to any of the things I just listed), I decided to break on the series of books to read her new one.

Yes, Sharon Hodde Miller is my (new) pastor. I can’t exactly review her objectively. I want to be nice and I already know I enjoy her teaching. Also, this is a new relationship between me and Bright City, so I don’t want to make any enemies. However, I am some sort of Midwestern and, as my husband says, I don’t do BS. So I will do my best in this review to tell it like it is while also being considerate. Actually, believe it or not, that is the way I attempt to write all my reviews and blogs because, at the very least, I respect writers and the writing process and I believe in, as Miller would call it, influence over control.

The Cost of Control (by Sharon Hodde Miller) comes at the right moment for me. Then again, this book is so timely to our culture and era that I bet almost any sympathetic reader could pick this one up and then say the same. I could have used it ten years ago and I will likely need it in ten more. To quip on Oprah, “You need this book! You need this book! You need this book!” Why? What is it about?

Well, control costs us. We turn automatically to control as soon as we feel out of control, but it’s, as Miller repeatedly puts it, a “devil’s deal.” Control only increases our anxiety, destroys our relationships, exhausts us, and lands us squarely in the middle of unreality, a gerbil on the wheel circling toward an illusive control that never existed in the first place. What’s the good news? There’s a better offer, which is to surrender to the One Who actually is omnipotent, and to exercise our God-given agency and self-control (as opposed to being powerless or reactive). The book is written in four parts. The first defines the terms and argues for the illusory nature of control and the bad deal it is. The second gives many of the ways we use control in our habits and reactions (as information, as power, as money, as autonomy, as theology, as shame). The third enumerates the cost of control (broken relationships, burnout, body shame, anxiety, exhaustion). The last gives us the better options: surrender, agency, and self-control.

I received much from this book. It didn’t go as deep into each argument as I wanted it to (though I think this is partly done because Miller wanted to “stay in her own lane,” at least in some cases). But I also wonder if it has enough stories to attract a reader who is less into deep study than I am. All that to say, it’s an easy read and it’s very easy to see where you might fit in this text (which is likely to be all over the place). Miller framed our daily experience as modern Americans, even as humans, in a fresh way and I would like to see more scholarship in this direction. She covers a whole lotta ground for a slim volume (under 200 pages). She has a trustworthy voice and a readable humility as well as intelligence. I have two sticky notes at my work desk with bullet points for the book and I am taking away from it much more than that. This is the kind of book that can really cause a reframing of one’s life, like you’ll be all (hopefully in your head) that there is a control issue. I see it. Now I’m going to name it, order it, set some limits… While Miller would encourage any of her readers to take this info straight to a therapist, she also doesn’t leave us with yet another checklist to do life better. She at least makes an attempt at a sort of anti-self-help book. In the end is just your brokenness and the Good News.

As for cons, first things first: the editing could have been just a tad bit better. Very few people are going to be as picky about this as I am, and it’s really not glaring here, but I find myself frustrated at the level of editing I see in nearly every book I pick up lately. There were little mistakes or just loose editing here and there in this one. I also already mentioned that I found myself wishing each point made went deeper, even longer, and I also wanted more practical application (though I almost always say this and I do think this is where Miller would say, yeah, I’m not actually a licensed therapist). Perhaps she could have approached practicality from a spiritual side? I mean, she already did, especially with the short prayers after each chapter. I hate to admit it, but I find prayers in devotional/self-help books to be glaze-over-able. I usually can’t even really see them. But there was something about her short, honest, wise prayers that actually made them much more functional as a component of the book than usual, for me. And there are questions at the end of chapters, so Cost of Control could be used for either daily mediation or for a small group discussion.

I really liked this book. If you are a Christian of any stripe, especially if you are an American alive today, you could stand to learn from Miller’s observations on control. At the very least, it’s a new angle from which to consider all the anxiety, depression, anger, animosity, and division that seems to be eating the people of our country alive. Or it might just be that God is about to use it to make you more like Jesus.

QUOTES (or some of the more pertinent ones):

“…these decisions are not guarantee of anything at all, but they make us feel better in the meantime” (p30).

“We as individuals and we as a culture crave control so desperately that we will reject reality and live in denial of our limitations for as long as w possibly can” (p30).

“What the Pandemic took away was not our power to predict, or our certainty about the future, but our illusion of those things…” (p33).

“Simply put, this world is not as it should be. Behind every struggle for control is a hurting person searching for peace in a chaotic world” (p33).

“…the lie that any gap in our knowledge any boundary on our power, or any limitation on our choice is something to fear, challenge and resist” (p38).

“By classifying anxiety as a personal issue rather than a systemic issue, we place an enormous burden on the individual, who then must modify their personal lives to alleviate the suffering that anxiety brings” (p44, Mark Sayers).

“It is no coincidence that the original story of control centers around a tree of ‘knowledge’” (p51).

“Every time we open our phones to check social media or the news, it’s as if we are taking another bite of that forbidden fruit, ingesting far more knowledge and information than our souls can handle” (p52).

“The more we learn about God and His creation, the more its true scale comes into proportion. The details become clearer. Our own sense of ourselves is corrected” (p57)

“…we begin to misuse our power after a subtle shift occurs inside our hearts: away from the care of others and toward the protection of ourselves” (p69).
“We want to use wealth, but ‘differently.’ We want to use anger, but ‘differently.’ We want to use power, but ‘differently.’ We brand these approaches as ‘redemptive’ or ‘Christian,’ but Jesus displayed no interest in attaining worldly power” (p72).

“For Christians, power is a person. Jesus Christ” (p72).
“When we cling to money for stability and predictability, and live in dread of losing it, we are using money to feel in control” (p77).

“…how easily we will adjust our theology to fit our wealth” (p78).

“Our relationship with money can not be passive or vaguely well-intentioned. It must be sober-minded, it must be humble, and it must have accountability, and there is one practice that cultivates all three: generosity” (p80).

“The money in our bank account doesn’t feel like abundance. That’s why Scripture so often describes material wealth as a form of poverty—spiritual poverty. It constantly seduces our affections and our trust. It relentlessly vies for our worship with it’s promises of stability and control…” (p81).

“This, combined with the American ideal of individualism, has produced a society that places autonomy as our highest value” (p86).

“…we are at our freest when God alone is on the throne” (p88).

“…we are advised again and again to seek wise counsel rather than go our own way” (p90).

“The true gospel is not a rigid contract/ Your life is not a constant test. And God is not coming to collect” (p100).

“…our primary work is not to earn His protection, but to open our hands and receive it” (p100).

“Some of the anger is righteous, but most of it is me wrestling with my total lack of control” (p128).

“Will we trust God or ourselves? This question is at the heart of our faith. If faith is believing what we cannot see, control is the opposite” (p130).

“The world is full of weird and wonderful experiences, and our bodies are a form of self-expression” (p134).

“…our bodies are ground-zero for a lifelong tug-of-war with control” (p134).

“Don’t you know your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit…” (p137, I Corinthians 6:19)

“Any time our joy or contentment depends on our body’s conformity to a standard, or ability to perform, then it is our body—not Christ—that determines our contentment and joy” (p142).

“When we are guided by the question, ‘What will people think?’ we are likely to make decisions based on anxiety” (p149).

“Not to win people to myself, but to win them to Jesus. My reputation isn’t getting anyone to heaven” (p153).

“…the burden of creating our own identities can produce anxiety and stress as well” (p157).

“For Christians, however, the standard is stable and clear. Our true self comes from Christ, and He is the standard by which we gauge our authenticity” (p158).

“…but these particularities, which are so subject to change, cannot serve as the foundations of our identities. We need something more stable in order to feel secure” (p162).

“I prefer to speak of ‘agency over our bodies’ as opposed to ‘control’” (p169).

“In 2 Timothy 1:7, Paul writes, ‘For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.' This is agency in a nutshell” (p170).

“Like any good things, order can become an idol of control, but it is also God’s literal answer to chaos” (p172).

“When life is too much and you feel out of control, stop and reflect on what’s really going on inside you (name it!), and then consider what systems or structures might solve the problem (order it!)” (p172).

“…creating is not purely functional; it is also meaningful” (p173).

“…restoring our limits so we can thrive” (p174).

“Sometimes the effect of prayer is not change someone else or to ensure a specific outcome, but to stop ourselves from sinning” (p176).

***REVIEW WRITTEN FOR THE STARVING ARTIST BLOG***

[Bear · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book so much more than I expected. It felt like listening to a friend, and the truths of it were impactful. I am taking this into 2025 with a new idea for how my need for control impacts myself, people I love, and how I see God. In a way the book provided some healing for me, and I am very grateful for that. Would definitely recommend!

[Aubrey Holloway · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so excited to read more of Sharon’s books. This was an eye opener and really helped me look into myself and the areas of my life I seek control.

[Sarah Sayre · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the author has some valid points on many of the ways we try to control and the biblical truths that contradict our behavior. That being said, her personal example she uses do nothing to further the point. Every “problem” she mentions feels like a first world problem. The chapter on anxiety is all about how others view you, which is clearly written by someone who does not understand what it is like to suffer from anxiety. She also uses these examples as stressors: grocery store is out of your favorite ice cream flavor, and the line at Starbucks is long. I don’t know if she was trying to avoid controversial examples, but this made the book seem like it was written for a young, naive audience who doesn’t actually have stress in their life. When discussing self-control, she casually mentions addiction and choosing to not drink. Again, this is someone who doesn’t really understand addiction if you are casually mentioning it this way. As if an alcoholic is choosing to be an alcoholic when clearly there is so much more to the disorder that is substance abuse.

I didn’t love that the pandemic was referenced again and again as if none of this became apparent to her prior to the pandemic existing. Having worked in healthcare during the pandemic, I think there were a lot of issues people experienced and actual traumatic events that have nothing to do with having to spend more time at home with your family.

The narrator of the audiobook at times sounded very arrogant, which I think made the above issues only more apparent. I wish people’s biggest issues in life were how long the Starbucks line is… but realistically, control is a much bigger issue for some people. This book felt like it was more about the authors personal issues with control, which may resonate with some people, but did not resonate with me.

[Carissa Battle · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s nuggets of wisdom in this book but they are hard to stay focused on due to all of the authors bragging and floods of personal examples. This is a trend happening in Christian books I have read lately where it’s more about the authors personal experience vs using the Bible to provide helpful information and guidance.

She talks about often how “she” founded her church, she’s the pastor of a church “that’s getting so big” and how she has so much money to offer to get a larger church space. She devotes a whole section to how wealthy her family was growing up and how she never had to worry about money. These are just some of the examples- It’s just a lot-pretty much all of her life examples revolve around “her success, her wealth, or her achievements.”
It’s so sad too because one of my favorite Christian books is her “Free of Me” book. It stepped all over my toes and I loved how she challenged me to not put me first and then in this book she’s constantly talking about herself and her “achievements” without any reference or glory to God for those things.

[Ashley Horta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never wanted to write a review for this book because l never wanted to stop reading it. The illusion of control is something that we've all heard of but haven't deeply studied. And we need to face the reality that the only thing we have control over is ourselves, and even that control is incomplete.

Sharon Hodde Miller has an incredible gift of writing, and she has put her heart and soul into this book. We all struggle with control in some form, and the way Sharon approaches it is so gentle but full of healthy convictions.

Some of my favorite quotes:

"When we try to control people, we will inevitably fracture our relationship with them, because God did not design people to be controlled.”

“The reason knowledge and information cannot give us control is, on its face, rather straightforward. Knowing something does not mean you can control it. Knowing my husband does not mean I can control my husband. Knowing how hurricanes form in the ocean does not mean I can prevent them from coming. Understanding is not the same as influence, and it's as simple as that.”

"Whenever we exercise or go to the gym or go to the doctor or eat enough nutrients in a day, we need to ask ourselves: Am I trying to make my body good, or am I simply taking care of what God has already called good?"

“The problem is, blaming is mostly a distraction. Of course, there is a time for holding the right people accountable, but when your flight is delayed or your internet goes down or the grocery store runs out of your favorite brand of ice cream, blame is just a distraction from the reality of your lack of control.”

Do yourself a favor and add this book to your Amazon carts. You’ll thank me later.

[Bree Lyle · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐. (Can we change this setting yet GR?! New feature in 2025?)
I participated in a Bible Study with this book. I thoroughly enjoyed it and definitely related to the topic. It was interesting to hear others' takes on the study. I loved the connection to the verses in the Bible. Some parts were a little deep for me, which is where reading it with others was definitely helpful. My favorite parts were when she related each topic to her own everyday life. Those connections made the concepts easier to understand and more relatable.

There were plenty of great quotes throughout the book, as that was sort of the nature of the book. But one that was right at the end really stood out to me as a great one to sum up the whole book:
"The key to a happy life is to accept that you are never actually in control." (Which actually was a quote from Jurassic World)

[Bethany Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book and it fit well with some life events where I had to release control. I didn’t agree with every perspective of the author and parts were a bit redundant.

I liked the chapter about the consequences of trying to control others and the exhaustion that “control” brings. I also appreciated the emphasis on self control at the end.

In the recent month I have been watching season 4 of the Chosen, it depicts some disciples grasping at control because they don’t understand what is going and it is not meeting their expectations. Then it shows Mary who didn’t have expectations and didn’t grasp at control, and she appears to understand more of Jesus’ heart than the rest. I’ve also been reading Job, he did not have control or understand and yet God was still God through it all. Both have been nice correlations with the book.

[Madison Lake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super good, biblical takes on semi common issues. This book gave clear explanations from scripture for why we are wired how we are as humans. I relate so much to the author’s struggles—you could tell she is writing about something she understands well. The layout/organization of the book were super clear and made it easy to understand and determine how our lives should be different because of what we read. Very good book that I would definitely recommend if you feel you are at a place in live where you constantly crave control.

[Laura Friedberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. One of my favorite quotes that I feel sums up the book as a whole - “To declare that God is sovereign is not just a theological statement. It is good news for a weary world. God alone has an infinite capacity to know all things, to manage all things, and to heal all things. When we try to stand in his place by controlling our circumstances, we cast off that protection, trading it in for anxiety and exhaustion instead.”

[Katie Knight · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book for those who have trouble letting go and going with the flow. I definitely related to some parts more than others, but overall it really taught me some better lines of thinking. Essentially, the more you try to control a situation, the more anxiety that can provoke. Very good for me to learn. Highly recommend!

[Sara Dangerfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

How good was this book? It was so good that I can confidently say I will probably revisit it a couple times a year to keep my heart in check. Think you have control issues? Unsure you have control issues? Don’t think you do? Doesn’t matter - this book is for you. Sharon speaks directly to the heart, and it’s motives, in order to help her reader to replace anxiety with freedom!

[Megan Winter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really loved this book and all of the truth that came with it. I struggle with anxiety and feel like I've gotten so much out of her explanations for why and how it's making things worse. So convicting and has such strong truths of how God works in our lives.

[Sarah Corn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to get a lot out of this book. While I took away a few things from it, overall I felt it to be fluffy and surface deep. There was also something about the authors tone that rubbed me the wrong way.

[Callia Konishi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never have I ever had a book call me out like this before. And never have I ever found a book so helpful.

[Gina Dalfonzo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise, enlightening, and especially valuable to a control freak like me! (Full disclosure: Sharon is a friend.)