W ogóle mnie nie słuchasz! Czyli co nam umyka i dlaczego to takie ważne

by Kate Murphy, Agnieszka Wilga (Translator)

Kiedy wszyscy mówią jednocześnie, kto się zatrzyma, by posłuchać?

Jesteśmy samotni jak nigdy wcześniej, mimo rozwoju techniki, która ułatwia i przyspiesza komunikację. Krótkie, powierzchowne przekazy niemal całkowicie wyparły z życia codziennego rozmowę. Doprowadziły do stworzenia pozbawionego znaczenia szumu, z którego trudno wyłowić istotne informacje. Uczymy się, jak dobierać słowa, by zagłuszyć wypowiedzi innych, jak prowadzić bezustanną autopromocję i zawsze, ale to zawsze stawiać na swoim. Za wszelką cenę mamy być widoczni i słyszani.

Kate Murphy z uwagą, skrupulatnością i ciekawością zgłębia naukowe strony procesu słuchania – fizjologiczną, psychologiczną i społeczną. Odnosząc się do licznych badań i przeprowadzając wywiady z zawodowymi słuchaczami – radiowcem, sprzedawcą mebli czy księdzem spowiednikiem – poszukuje przyczyny zatracania tej ważnej umiejętności. Pokazuje, jak duże znaczenie ma poświęcanie komuś czasu i uwagi. Dowodzi, że obecny kryzys komunikacyjny doprowadził do epidemii samotności, a izolacja społeczna jest dla nas tak szkodliwa jak alkoholizm i przyczynia się do rozwoju zbierającej coraz większe żniwo depresji.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook, Communication, Personal Development, Relationships

272 pages, Hardcover

First published January 7, 2020

About the author

Journalist Kate Murphy’s eclectic essays and articles for The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly have been shared and commented on by millions. She is known for her fresh and accessible style and ability to distill complex subjects, particularly the science behind human interactions. Her first book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, was published in thirty-two languages and has become required reading in interpersonal communication courses at high schools, colleges, and universities worldwide. Kate lives in Houston, Texas, and holds a commercial pilot’s license.

Reviews

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

How do feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person really absorbed what you shared with them? How do you feel when you leave a conversation feeling like the person wasn’t paying attention or didn’t care what you were saying to them?

This is one of the most impactful books I have read all year. The message of true listening in You’re Not Listening serves to emphatically renovate the way we interact with each other. Kate Murphy’s words can revolutionize your conversations and relationships in a meaningful and powerful way. But, only if you listen.

There was so much that resonated with me, and I highlighted quite a lot. My favorite chapters were “Addicted to Distractions” about the endless distractions that interfere with meaningful social interactions, “Supporting, Not Shifting the Conversation” about how we often direct the attention away from the person talking and direct it towards ourselves, and “Improvisational Listening” about collaborating with others.


(There was so much I highlighted and marked!)

Does it teach you how to listen? Sometimes pointers, tips, and guidance is mixed in. The purpose of the book though is to highlight the importance and value of listening. So, it teaches you the significance of listening rather than how to listen. But along the way you pick up tools to use and tips about how to listen.

I highly recommend this book, and I think this is a must read for anyone in a leadership position. The book is extremely well researched but a very accessible read. It is comprehensible to the average reader and explains chapters in an approachable way.

This was a group read with the Travelling Sisters. We had an amazing group discussion while reading. While discussing the book, group member Marilyn said, “This book is in my head all the time now, just feels like a part of me…” and I couldn’t agree with her more.

Thank you to Celadon Books for an advanced copy. It was a pleasure and I loved it.

More on this:
“Half of surveyed Americans do not have meaningful social interactions on a daily basis.”
*Read more

Read more about the importance of listening The Magic Relationship Ratio According to Science

What about listening to yourself? Read a bit about that with the Wall Street Journal here.

[Debra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an easily readable, enjoyable and thought-provoking book. I know some may look at the name and think "What? A book about listening or not listening. How can that be interesting?" Well, it is. Working in a field that is all about listening, I found that this book reinforced, most of what I already knew and had been taught in graduate school, but it was also an eye-opener for me in that I did not always utilize the skills I had been taught in my professional life in my personal life. People not only want to be heard but they need to be heard! Who doesn't want a captive audience? That is why people may tell bartenders more about themselves than they tell those closest to them in their lives - because they have an active listener. Work, distractions, social media, technology, etc. all can get in the way of listening and lead to loneliness. Then there is silence - what a powerful tool that is. I enjoyed the sections about other cultures and how they view silence both professionally and personally.

There is a lot of food for thought in this book and lots to discuss. Hopefully, we will all come away as better listeners or at least become more aware of how we are listening to others. I enjoyed how this book was written. It does not come off as academic as some nonfiction books do. This is an easy book to read and I dare you not to pick up your highlighter while reading this book. There is a lot of passage that stood out for me and I found myself making note of them.

Thank you to Celadon Books for providing me with a copy of this book to read with my fellow Traveling Sisters and Traveling Friends as a group read.

[Jaclyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

This felt like a lot of stating the obvious interspersed with research backing up the obvious point. This book could really have been an article. There’s some food for thought of course but I prefer my non-fiction to be far more rigorous. In the age in which we live we’re all very aware that nobody is listening and this book does little to offer real, concrete ways we can change or improve that. The paragraph on supportive listening is the strongest part of the book and I really didn’t need to read 200 pages for it.

[Brenda ~The Sisters~Book Witch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am kicking off the new year here with my first review for one of the most eye-opening, powerful and important books I read in 2019. It's an easy, fast read with a lot packed into it. This was a Traveling Sister group read and one of the most valuable discussions we have had. I can't recommend this one enough!!

The World is just too noisy for me with everyone talking and no one listening so I jumped at the chance to read and discuss this one with some members of our group. We highlighted paragraph after paragraph and wanted to share how powerful each was for us. I now want to highlight all of them, but then you would be reading most of the book. lol We opened our minds to what we are missing and to the skills needed to be a good listener. We shared our own truths about listening and, in turn, learned something about ourselves and each other. We started to become more aware of our own listening skills and started practicing listening and we could see how satisfying it is to listen.

Kate Murphy starts with the core here as to why it matters we are listening with addressing that people get lonely from lack of listening. Not only from the distractions of our devices and social media influence but also with feeling lonely even with people because we are not practicing the skill of listening. She offers up some powerful, eye-opening and valuable information here and follows through with some suggestions that will make a difference. She offers up reasons we are not listening that I wasn't aware of and the importance of freeing up our minds from distractions that are going on around us and in our minds. She shows us that listening is also gathering more from others than just the words said. In a positive way, she provokes some questions "Are we really connecting and contributing to others or just waiting for our turn to talk? "Does what others say matter to you and is it important that you see what they are saying?"

Kate Murphy also addresses when to make the call to stop listening when the world becomes too noisy and you just don't have the capacity to listen to the noise or negativity. Life is just hard enough as it is.

I highly recommend reading this one! Let's listen up, Friends and make a difference! It matters to the mental health crisis!

The Traveling Sisters in this group read received copies from the publishers.

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is a fascinating book, exactly suited to my particular interests. How can I learn to listen better?

[Lindsay L · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars.

Informative. Eye-opening. Thought-provoking.

This was a well researched, enlightening read that made me sit and ponder many points. I love books that make me think! The author presents her research in an easy, well organized manner with chapters breaking down her theories. I liked how the information was presented.

I found the beginning chapters more interesting than the latter chapters which felt a bit drawn out. However, there were countless ideas and theories presented throughout the book that I will keep with me long after I write this review.

I will end with a couple quotes that stood out for me (these are quotes from an Advanced Readers Copy which may change prior to publication):

“Hearing is passive. Listening is active.”

“Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort.”

“To listen does not mean, or even imply, that you agree with someone. It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and that you might have something to learn from it.”

Thank you to Celadon Books for sending me a physical copy to read with the Traveling Sisters.

Expected date of publication: January 7, 2020.

[Diane S ☔ · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. One might think a book on this subject would be full of information that is just a matter of common sense. Quite possibly might consider themselves already good listeners. They would most likely be wrong. So few actually know what active listening entails and even more so in this techie age, where one wants to gather information as quickly as possible.

The author explains how important listening is, to individual people, society as a whole. The role of listening in different career choices, where those who can listen reap the benefits. Even listening to ourselves, which depending on what we are saying can be a benefit. Of course, negative self talking is never a plus. I found this book to be informative and well worth reading, as well as pertinent I today's fast paced world.

"when you hear people's stories you tend to want to do right by them."

So true.

ARC from Edelweiss.

[Jon Nakapalau · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are so many books on communication - so one can assume that it is a very important topic for many people in all walks of life. What Kate Murphy (KM) has done is nothing less than a 'distillation' of the process: looking at how the listening portion of communication is so often overlooked as we position our perspective as a platform: our mind-set already made up as we set in motion our 'values' to cascade down on others. KM gives us numerous examples of how this is (in fact) severing the lines of true communication; each chapter examines a facet of this problem and gives examples from diverse fields of study to highlight the different 'traps' we all fall into when we stop actively listening to others. Highest recommendation - our politicians should put this book on their reading list today!

[Bella · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. This sadly underwhelmed me. While Murphy’s observations about the best listeners are astute (and I’ll be making small shifts in my own life), I was frustrated that she seems to [1] dance around the complexities of listening and [2] make the blanket assumption that our ability to listen was better in the past, sans social media. I so wanted her to dig into such things as the hesitation to listen to perspectives that endanger your own, the role of listening across cultures, what “good” listening could look like on Twitter and Facebook, mansplaining and the “gender” of listening, the intersection of race and listening (i.e. who has been forced to listen and not be heard), etc. She hints to all of these (!) but never addresses them outright or for more than a sentence at a time.

Moreover, to read now an implied suggestion that listening will save us all — that larger societal issues can be solved if we take the time to listen to one another — is … tough? Listening is a skill we can all grow and wield in a fight for a better world, I absolutely agree, but I struggle with the thought that listening is our cure-all. And perhaps that’s where my biggest frustration lies: that I can’t buy into this thesis, no matter how much I personally believe in the power of listening.

All of which is to say I think I’m learning self-help books will rarely be my cup of tea :-)

[K.J. Charles]

A hugely interesting and thought-inducing read about listening: how we do it, whether we do it, the transformational importance of doing it, when we should stop doing it. Immensely readable, with some great stories, and a lot to think about. Slightly heavy on the 'modern life is rubbish' side but the author is a journalist, they can't help themselves.

(Also there is an anecdote in here which the author has very clearly shoehorned in just to get back at a jerk years later, and I can only applaud my fellow member of the grudge-holding community, ahaha.)

Strongly recommended and I will be reading this again.

[Sara Budarz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Here's the short review: I listened for over seven hours to what You're Not Listening has to say, and it had nothing to say that wasn't laced with contempt for our modern world or just utterly commonsensical. Skip reading this one.

Here's the longer review: After only a few minutes of reading this book, red flags were going off in my mind. Why? Because anytime an author praises themselves as being on of the few people who know how to do something well (in this case, listen), my first instinct is to ask: can this be true? Is there any evidence that might suggest this claim lacks validity? But when an author also uses the 'everything-used-to-be-better-back-in-the-day' argument, my background in research springs into full force and is like: wait! It's time to fact check these statements! This is probably absolutely historically inaccurate! Both of these red flags happened in the first few pages. And yet, because I have the hardest time not finishing a book I start, I read on.

So here's the book's argument in a nutshell: we used to be so very good at listening and connecting (in some bygone area), but dammit, new technology has ruined life and we as people have become shallow versions of what we once were. We are all just so very distracted, self-absorbed, and have such a low tolerance for silence/anything slow, mixed with our desire to instead stare only at our phones that we have lost all ability to listen to each other. We might fake listening (head nodding, repeating back what was said), but never listen closely enough to see what the person is really saying.

And then the book gives tips: try to listen to what people are actually saying. Don't interrupt them. Read their body language and pauses in their speech. Put your phone/computer away during meal time. Remember to ask people how their day was. In other words: no shit, really? Who would have thought? I should show interest in other humans and their inner life?

Okay, here's my kinder review: I am sure there are a lot of people who aren't great at listening. There have always been people who are not good listeners, in part because they are not comfortable with the empathy and vulnerability true listening requires. This is true now, and it has always been true. (As for the argument that we used to listen better, think of a book such as Revolutionary Road; sharing thoughts and feelings used to be outright taboo.) But in the context of listening, I think it is just a complete oversimplification to think that people aren't listening or connecting because they just got distracted by their phone and forgot to ever again check in with the people in their life. If people aren't listening, it is because we have underlying unchecked assumptions about how to connect, and why and when to connect. That is what I think a book on listening would need to address: what is it about listening that makes you want to avoid it? What is it that makes you not want to know how others are doing? How is culture influencing your choice to either not connect or only share of yourself without interest in others?

But simply taking a deeply disconnected family marked by distrust (as in, I will not trust you with my thoughts or emotions) and thinking that if only the parents put down their phones long enough to ask 'tell me about the best / worst part of your day' during dinner, without addressing any other trust issues, all with be well, well, seems utterly simplistic and a set-up for failure, because it isn't addressing the right problem.

So are the ideas valid? Of course. But aren't they things we are already doing? I don't know anyone who allows cell phone use during meals. I think most well-functioning family and friend-units check in with each other, listen to tone and body language and underlying message, and ask follow-up questions. I think we know how to listen. And I personally also think technology can help: we can be spread across the globe but can still check in with our people. We can connect even more easily than use used to when using phones, because now we also get visuals. That is an improvement. And for those who aren't listening and aren't connecting, I don't think technology is to blame.

So all that is to say that this book doesn't offer value because it tries to confront a complex topic and offers a solution that is so superficial it borders on the absurd.

[sAmAnE · Rating 4 out of 5]

.
در فرهنگ پرشتاب و سراسیمه ما، گوش دادن کاری دست و پاگیر محسوب می‌شود. گفت‌و‌گوها به آهستگی شکل می‌گیرند و شاید نیاز به بازبینی هم پیدا کنند. درک و صمیمیت چیزی است که باید به دستش بیاورید. آدمها اغلب می‌گویند: « الان نمی‌توانم حرف بزنم»، اما در حقیقت منظورشان این است که:« الان نمی‌توانم گوش بدهم» و خیلی‌ها ظاهراً هرگز مجالی برای آن پیدا نمی‌کنند. با این‌همه، آنچه همه‌ی ما بیش از هر چیز در زندگی خواهانش هستیم، یعنی فهمیدن و فهمیده شدن، تنها هنگامی محقق می‌شود که با آرامش، زمانی را به گوش دادن سپری کنیم.
📚
گرایس، نظریه‌پرداز و فیلسوف زبان، انتظاراتمان در گفت‌و‌گو را در قالب چهار قاعده خلاصه کرده است:
۱_ قاعده‌ی کیفیت: انتظار داریم حقیقت را بشنویم.
۲_ قاعده‌ی کمیت: انتظار داریم اطلاعاتی را دریافت کنیم که از قبل نمی‌دانیم و حجم آن اطلاعات آن‌قدر زیاد نباشد که از عهده‌اش برنیاییم.
۳_ قاعده‌‌ی ارتباط: انتظار داریم اطلاعاتی که دریافت می‌کنیم مرتبط با موضوع و دارای جریانی منطقی باشد.
۴_ قاعده‌ی شیوه: انتظار داریم فرد سخن‌گو به طرز معقولی مختصر و منظم و به دور از ابهام سخن بگوید.
📚
کتاب باید به هم گوش بدهیم، در اهمیت شنیدن و شنیده شدن نوشته شده. در مورد گوش دادن فعال و اینکه چگونه باشد تا مؤثر واقع شود‌. به نظرم کتاب خوب و مفیدی بود و راهکارهای خوبی داشت. به نکاتی واقع‌بینانه اشاره شده بود که در زندگیمون باهاش روبه‌رو می‌شیم.
یکی از نقاط قوت کتاب نگاه تیزبینانه و ارتباطی بود که نویسنده برخی جاها، بین مبحث مهم و کاربردی زندگی امروز، هوش هیجانی و هنر گوش دادن، برقرار کرده. و همچنان معتقد که همانند هوش هیجانی گوش دادن هم مهارتی است نیاز به تمرین و آموختن! نویسنده یادآوری می‌کند که حتی طرح سؤال و چگونگی بیان آن هم مهم است. به نقش مهم گوش دادن در روابط، از هر نوعی اشاره شده که اگر به درستی انجام نشود چقدر آثار مخرب خواهد داشت. چیزی که گاهی اوقات فراموشش می‌کنیم...
پس شاید بتوان گفت این گوش دادن است که انسان‌ها را بهم پیوند می‌دهد.

[Caroline · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is going to be an odd Goodreads review! I was reading this book - slowly as usual - but long before I had finished the book, I found that I had to return it to the library, and couldn't renew it again. It was also an inter-library loan, so it would have been a kerfuffle to get it out again.

So, and this is the odd bit, I have only read up to page 119.... What I did read was interesting, a bit predictable in places, but interesting, and a good wake-up call for listening more carefully, which is always helpful.

What I do have from reading the books so far though is a pile of notes I wish to keep - which is why I basically did the review....

Cited as the most frequent bad listening behaviours

*Interrupting
*Responding vaguely or illogically to what was just said.
*Looking at a phone, watch, looking around the room, or otherwise away from the speaker.
*Fidgeting (tapping on the table, frequently shifting position, clicking a pen, etc)



Foetuses can recognise human voices

We begin to listen even before we are born. Foetuses respond to sound at just sixteen weeks' gestation and, during the last trimester of pregnancy, can clearly distinguish between language and other sounds. An unborn child can be soothed by a friendly voice and startled by an angry outburst.

Attachment Theory

If we don't attach well with our carers when we are babies, we can form dysfunctional attachments not only as children, but also when we are older.

Our ability to listen and connect with people as adults is shaped by how well our parents listened and connected with us as children.

Attentive and responsive care givers set you up to have a secure attachment style, which is characterised by an ability to listen empathetically and this for functional, meaningful and mutually supportive relationship.

On the other hand, children whose parents were not dependably attentive typically grow up to be adults with an insecure anxious attachment style, which means they tend to worry and obsess about relationships. They do not listen well because they are so concerned about losing people's attention and affection. This preoccupation can lead them to be overly dramatic, boastful, or clingy. They might also pester people, rather than allowing them to have their space.

An insecure avoidant attachment style comes from growing up with care givers who were mostly inattentive - or perhaps overly attentive, to the point of smothering. People raised this way are often bad listeners because they tend to shut down or leave relationships whenever things get too close. They resist listening because they don't want to be disappointed or overwhelmed.

Finally people who have an insecure disorganised attachment style display both anxious and avoidant behaviours in an illogical and erratic manner. This is often the result of growing up with a care giver who was threatening or abusive. Intimacy can feel scary or frightening.

Of course not everyone fits neatly into one of these categories . Most people land somewhere along a continuum from secure to insecure.

Several programmes have emerged in the last decade to teach parents of young children how to listen and respond to their babies and toddlers, before dysfunctional neural patterns get grooved into their developing brains.

To listen well

To listen well is to figure out what's on someone's mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know.

Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising or showing how it should be done.

Listening requires, more than anything, curiosity.

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people that you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you"

While you might think you'd be more likely to listen to a loved one than a stranger, in fact, the opposite is often true.

Things that help us talk to people.

The person shows interest.
They ask the right questions.
They were less judging
They didn't interrupt.

We are more open with people we don't know well

In an in-depth study of a cohort of 38 graduate students and confirmed in a large online survey of 2,000 people representative of all Americans, Harvard sociologist Mario Luis Small found that slightly more than half the time, people confided their most pressing worrisome concerns to people with whom they had weaker ties, even people they encountered by chance, rather than to those they had previously said were closest to them - like a spouse, family member or dear friend. In some cases, the subjects actively avoided telling the people in their innermost circle because they feared unkindness, judgement, blowback or drama.

The Closeness Communication bias

Also people in long term relationships tend to lose their curiosity about one another. They become convinced that they know the other person better than they do. They don't listen, because they think they know what the other person will say. This is called The Closeness Communication bias.

Nurturing Relationships

One of the most widely cited researchers on the topic of human relations is British anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar. He says that a primary way we maintain friendships is through "everyday talk" That means asking "How are you?" and actually listening to the answer. Dunbar stresses that there are hierarchical layers of friendship determined by how much time you spend with the person. Without consistent contact, friendships can easily fall into the realm of acquaintance. At this point, you are friendly, but not really friends, because you've lost touch with who they are, which is always evolving. An exception might be friends with whom you feel like you can pick up right where you left off, even though you haven't talked to them for ages. According to Dunbar, these are usually friendship forged through extensive and deep listening at some point in your life, usually during an emotionally wrought time, like a personal crisis.

Prying

Prying is the the quickest way to lose someone's confidence. In Notes from Underground, Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, "Every man has some reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone but only to his friends. He has other which he would not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But finally there are still others which a man is even afraid to tell himself, and every decent man has a considerable number of such things stored away"

We never understand one another fully

Daniel Flores, a Roman Catholic bishop in Texas, believes that expecting complete understanding is the root of many troubled relationships. "We all long to express ourselves to another, but if we thing there will be the perfect person who will be able to receive it all, we will be disappointed. Not that we shouldn't always try to communicate and give one another the gift of listening, for that is love, even if we aren't always able to understand.

Reflecting/paraphrasing is not enough, we need to display understanding

Research by Graham Bodie, a professor of integrated marketing communication at the University of Mississippi, shows that people are more likely to feel understood if a listener responds not by nodding, parroting, or paraphrasing, but by giving descriptive and evaluative information. Contrary to the idea that effective listening is some sort of passive exercise, Bodie's work reveals it requires interpretation and interplay. We want someone to respond in a thoughtful, feeling way. People want to the sense you get why they are telling you the story and what it means to them.

Active listening goes beyond just listening to the facts. You want to pick up the mood of the person who is speaking, how they feel about what they are saying.

You already know about you.
You miss out on opportunities when you don't take a breath and listen. Talking about yourself doesn't add anything to your knowledge base. You already know about you.

3 Questions to ask yourself after a conversation

When you leave a conversation ask yourself:
* What did I just learn about that person?
* What was most concerning to that person today?
* How did that person feel about what we were talking about?
If you can't answer those questions, you probably need to work on your listening.

Keep an open mind. You may be wrong

Disagreements and sharp differences of opinion are inevitable in life whether they are over political ideology, ethical issues, business dealings, or personal matters. When engaged in any kind of dispute, the father of listening studies, Ralph Nichols, advised listening for evidence that you might be wrong rather than listening to poke hole in the other person's argument, much less plugging your ears or cutting someone out of your life entirely. If you remain open to the possibility that you might be wrong, or at least not entirely right, you'll get far more out of the conversation.

This approach is backed up by science. The amygdala in our brain is what activates when we sense a threat, and the more the amygdala is activated the less we are able to listen. It also clouds judgement, rendering us unthinking and irrational.

To listen doesn't mean you agree with someone. It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person's point of view, and that you might have something to learn from it. It also means that you embrace the possibility that there might be multiple truths and understanding them might lead to a larger truth.

[Heidi Wiechert · Rating 5 out of 5]

You're Not Listening is a fun and enlightening non-fiction read about, you guessed it, listening. Theoretically, we all have the capability of listening, but, as author Kate Murphy points out, we kind of suck at it.

"This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo." pg 3

From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and conversational skills are taught all over the world. The other half of the equation, listening to the information that's delivered, is not.

"Done well and with deliberation, listening can transform your understanding of the people and the world around you, which inevitably enriches and elevates your experience and existence. It is how you develop wisdom and form meaningful relationships." pg 4

In the modern age of social media and the ability to establish instantaneous connections all around the world, you would think people would be feeling more interconnected than ever. Not so, says Murphy.

"People get lonely for lack of listening. Psychology and sociology researchers have begun warning of an epidemic of loneliness in the United States. Experts are calling it a public health crisis, as loneliness increases the risk of death as much as obesity, alcoholism, and heart disease combined." pg 9

All of our technology bombards us with information while at the same time diverting our attention from the people in our physical lives. It is not just a matter of deciding who to listen to; it's also a question of shrinking attention spans and one of the many challenges faced by a technologically advanced society. Meanwhile, we're blasting out our own thoughts and feelings as quickly as they arise... so who has time for any of that?

"It takes awareness, focus, and experience to unearth and understand what is really being communicated. Good listeners are not born that way, they become that way." pg 69

I love books that I learn from and that help me become the type of person whom I aspire to be. You're Not Listening ticks both those boxes in a big way. I can't recommend it enough for readers who enjoy non-fiction, learning, and the eternal quest of self improvement.

Thank you to the publisher for a free advance reader's copy of this book.

[Jeanette (Ms. Feisty) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could change your life if you study it carefully and try to implement what you've read. As an avid reader, once I finish a book I tend to move quickly on to the next book. With this book, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go right back to the beginning and read it again before writing a full review. That in itself is a glowing recommendation, because I usually wait at least a couple of years before re-reading any book.

Publication day: January 7, 2020

[Janssen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was SO FASCINATING. I feel like it's one of those books every parent (really, probably every person) should read. Definitely talked Bart's ear off about this one.

[James · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kind of insufferable and nonintellectual. Much like if Bartlett's Familiar Quotations had been converted to prose and redacted to only the theme of listening.

I believe good books about how to be a better listener should be written. This is not one of them.

The writer likes to name-drop. Cool cool. I've read books before that have that idiosyncrasy. She was just more annoying about it.

The writer has helluva disdain for millennial generation humans. Cool cool. I go to work in that environment every goddamn day. I am accustomed to this mindset.

The writer is homophobic and insists on using "preference" instead of "orientation". Fucking please. This was settled in the motherfucking 80s. It's not a preference or we would all just "prefer" to be straight to avoid bigoted shit stains (like this writer) and the violence, harassment, microaggressions, and workplace/housing inequality that comes with not being straight. Fuck you very much.

Overall, I don't feel like I got anything out of reading this, except the momentary enjoyment of downloading a noise detection app for my phone and learning that both my dishwasher and my dog aren't as loud as I thought.

I'm still interested in the topic of listening, but this book (and writer)...not worth reading.

[sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why on earth did I decide to keep going on with this book when after the first chapter I was already miserable? Perhaps I wanted to prove myself a point, that I was listening. Or maybe it was for the sole purpose of being able to write this review after only seeing absolute praise for it. Whatever the case may be, now you all have to suffer and see my review.

Now I had multiple problems with this book, so much so, that I started a new document to write notes to purely for this and ended with more planned for this review than I have for most of my university essays. Let's start from the thing that is the most consistent with this book. The one thing this book does is presenting social media as only a problem and seemingly the singular reason why we are not listening. To me, personally, this seems counterproductive to the point of the book, of getting people to think about listening and furthermore ignoring other major factors that impact our listening. Surely there are other reasons why human beings are supposedly bad at listening to each other nowadays, besides social media, which has existed for barely a decade. Hate to be the Gen Z, but to me this book felt a lot like the older (using that term very loosely) people in my life, that have been making social media into this borderline Devil for ages. Of course there are bad things happening to us because we spend too much time online, but this book keeps just repeating this one point over and over and seems to just get stuck in blaming it, instead of expanding further.

Speaking of repetition, the author is constantly repeating herself. In total she presents very few
actual points throughout the book, since most of the points are just the same thing reworded and put to a different chapter. Also considering the premise and the title of this book it does very little to offer any real or concrete solutions to any of the problems presented. Sure, the author constantly points out that we are not listening and we look at out phones and this affects us mentally etc. etc. but she never seems to offer anything that we concretely change about ourselves or societal structures and norms that have made it this way. I mean she doesn't have to of course, but it seems kind of pointless to write a book about people not listening and that just being it. No solutions, no nothing. Just be better, I guess.

Probably no surprise to a lot of people, but this whole book comes across as very preachy. And it does get rather annoying. More so, Murphy makes it seem as every single person is a bad listener and that is something to feel guilty about. The tone throughout is very patronizing towards the reader, whilst the author constantly brings up how she listened to this person and this person and learnt so much and is so wise and such a good journalist. It really does feel like at times that she wrote this book purely to feed her own ego. It doesn't help that there are so many name drops of all the famous people the author has talked with and the talks about her own experiences as a listener to many of them, that serve no purpose to the people reading the book. Besides name dropping bunch of people she has talked to, there are tons of other name drops as well, usually to reference one line of their research and then go on tangent. This makes this an extremely slow read and most of the book is just meaningless filler, that does not really contribute much to the actual point of the book.

And now for the nitpicking. Here are a few things that are not acknowledged at all, which is a bit weird for a book about listening: doesn't acknowledge in any way how minorities are affected and only offers solutions and research from a narrow group, ignores neurodivergency which can affect your ability listen and ignores the societal standard, that somehow still exists, where a man is more likely to be listened to and not talked over and what he is saying being valued more. Of course the author doesn't have to include any of these kind of major points, that surely have research behind them. But considering that the book is filled with a variety of microaggressions, I am not surprised if not acknowledging minorities was a conscious choice on the authors part. What microaggressions, you may ask. The entire part where Murphy discusses politics is filled with bunch of examples, but if you want more specific instances: use of the term "sexual preference" instead of orientation (as if it's a preference to be hated and actively killed in some countries), judging people for protesting against police violence (yes, she straight up praises police officers in this book, I wish I was kidding). Also I haven't seen a single review mention this, but the author refers to a research that suggest that autism is only a thing in male brains. Hello, is no one else getting some warning bells? The whole tone of the book just feels very ignorant and only seems to present certain things, precisely from the authors own standpoint, which furthers the feeling of hypocrisy considering the subject matter.

The sad thing is that the research might have been really interesting, if not for literally everything else in this book, including how the research was presented. Maybe I should have just taken the advice from the last chapter and realized that some things are just not worth listening to. Or maybe my brain has just rotten from being online and I am a bad listener. Who knows, but I would suggest not wasting your time with this one.

[Lorilin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about, duh, listening—why you should do it and how you can do it better. Don’t be put off by the somewhat self-aggrandizing intro. (Author Kate Murphy mentions that she writes for The New York Times no fewer than four times in the first two pages, ugh). But this little book actually does have some interesting points to share.

After the intro, the book is divided into 16 sections, each one covering either advice on how to listen better or information on some specific aspect of listening. Here’s my takeaway from each section:

Chapter 1—Murphy expresses the slightly dramatic and pessimistic opinion that communication has drastically changed for the worse over the years and that we basically aren’t listening to each other at all anymore.

Chapter 2—When you’re listening to someone well, your mind will actually sync with the other person’s mind.

Chapter 3—Stay curious. If you have a curious mindset, you’ll genuinely want to stay open and listen to others.

Chapter 4—Don’t make assumptions about people.

Chapter 5—Be aware of the other person’s body language and vocal tone so you can ask the right questions.

Chapter 6—Be present. Acknowledge distraction and then refocus on what the other person is saying.

Chapter 7—Remain open, even when you disagree with someone. Try to listen without anxiety when you encounter beliefs that are contrary to yours.

Chapter 8—Focus on what’s really important, even if it means digging deeper for real meaning and understanding.

Chapter 9—Listen fully, all the way up until a person stops speaking. Think about how to respond when the other person has finished speaking.

Chapter 10—Practice conversational sensitivity, which is when you pick up hidden meanings and nuances in tone.

Chapter 11—Listen to your inner voice. Follow your gut.

Chapter 12—Support the conversation, don’t shift it. Ask questions to elicit more info. Even avoid saying things like, “The same thing happened to me!” thereby putting the focus on yourself. Let the other person fully say what he needs to say. (This was one of my favorite sections.)

Chapter 13—This section covered the actual physical process of listening.

Chapter 14—Acknowledge that we are addicted to distraction.

Chapter 15—Be okay with silence.

Chapter 16—Gossip actually helps develop and deepen relationships, so long as it isn’t malicious.

Chapter 17—It’s okay to decide to stop listening. Just do it carefully and with kindness.

The longing to understand and be understood is one of the universal feelings experienced by every human. Listening well goes a long way toward helping us connect with others and feel at home in the world around us.

Thank you to Celadon Books for the ARC! See more of my book reviews at www.bugbugbooks. Also follow me on Instagram @bugbugbooks.

[Barbara (The Bibliophage) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kate Murphy is a journalist who makes her living with her listening skills. No skills, no article. For the rest of us it’s not so straightforward. In her new book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, she makes a case that listening is essential to communication. Of course, this seems obvious. One person talks and another listens. That’s communication. But Murphy explains why and how our listening skills are changing. And not for the better.

Just take a look at her chapter titles and you’ll get a sense for her major points. They target subjects such as the neuroscience of listening and why making assumptions stops us from listening. Some chapters are mostly science and others include practical steps, like how to support the speaker rather than shifting the topic away from their content.

In our ever more divided world, the chapter about listening to opposing views was meaningful. Especially because Murphy explains why those conversations make my heart pound and my cheeks flush. Turns out that discussing contentious topics actually activates the “fight or flight” part of our brain, the amygdala. So talking to Uncle Mort over turkey is the conversational equivalent of being chased up a tree by a bear. Or maybe you’re the bear, and now you know why Uncle Mort gets so worked up by the conversation.

Not surprisingly, Murphy includes a chapter on our addiction to distraction. Memorably, she connects checking our phones to the decades-ago tendency to light a cigarette when we needed a conversational pause. And then she compares our dropping attention span, which now averages eight seconds, to goldfish. Because goldfish have an average attention span of nine seconds. That’s according to research conducted by Microsoft, by the way.

If you’ve ever made a point that your conversational partner doesn’t follow, read this book. And when you say, “Wait, what?” in a conversation, let this book be the next thought. “I should read that book by Kate Murphy about listening when it comes out.” Your connection to the people around you depends on it.

My conclusions
I consider myself a good listener. But for various reasons, listening is harder for me than ever. So I was pretty excited when Celadon sent me this advanced reader’s copy. I wanted to know why the world is losing its ability to listen, as I hope you do.

Murphy balances science with wry humor in her writing. She taps into the expertise of master listeners, from hostage negotiators to focus group moderators. The stories from those folks are quite fascinating, and put their advice in context. The resulting narrative drew me quickly through each chapter.

This is an easy read, even though it’s chock full of usable suggestions. It made me aware of moments where I drop the conversational ball by planning my next statement. And I also intend to practice the power of silence more often, thanks to suggestions from a crackerjack salesperson Murphy interviewed.

In a world where we shout our digital opinions to the world, whether anyone answers or not, the art of listening feels like a lost art. Murphy reminds us why. I recommend this book with my whole heart, and only wish more people could read it before the inevitable family gatherings this holiday season. Instead, you’ll have to wait until it publishes in early January 2020. Grab yourself a copy and make listening better your New Year’s Resolution!

Pair with [Dis] Connected: Poems & Stories of Connection and Otherwise, Volume Two, edited by Michelle Halket.

Acknowledgements
Many thanks to Celadon Books and the author for the opportunity to read an advance copy of this book in exchange for this honest review.

Originally published on my book blog, TheBibliophage.com.

[Tucker Almengor]

Many thanks to Celadon Books for sending me a copy in exchange for an honest review

thank you, Celadon! I'm looking forward to this one

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[Brian Griffith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never realized that listening is such a fascinating, revealing subject. It should be a major academic discipline. Murphy gives a friendly, inquisitive exploration of how much difference it makes. She makes you want to be a listener. Like, when is the last time I said “I’ve been thinking about what you said”?

Here’s one of her hints: “Intimacy, innovative thinking, teamwork, and humor all come to those who free themselves from the need to control the narrative and have the patience and confidence to follow the story wherever it leads.”

Toward the end of the book we have this:

At the Basilica of Our Lady of San Juan del Valle, in San Juan, Texas, there are long lineups of people coming to confession, and six priests at a time listen to their confessions. Father Jorge Gomez explains, “When people come here, it’s like they are going to a field hospital. They so badly need to be heard, it’s like a wound; they are in a critical state.”

[not my high · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

Przyjemna i potrzebna

[8stitches 9lives · Rating 4 out of 5]

How often do you listen to someone properly? I mean REALLY listen? You're Not Listening is a book in which author Kate Murphy explains how important listening to others is in terms of creating and maintaining a good connection with them. I frequently encounter people who talk, talk, talk at you but when it comes to your turn to speak they are distracted and itching to talk over you. This is an important, necessary and interesting read and shows us how and why listening properly can help us in virtually every part of our lives. Not only does she inform us how to become better listeners but she cites many fascinating cases to illustrate her points including priests taking confessionals, leaders of focus groups and CIA interrogators. It explains how to interpret what someone is saying in different situations and contexts - e.g. how to interpret conversation that happens over the internet, how to interpret a conversation that occurs over the phone and how to interpret face-to-face encounters as naturally each have different clues that point to how a sentence was meant to be interpreted.

Communication is one our most important and valuable skills and Murphy goes into depth about it and how it can impact our relationships. She discusses the science, physiology and neuroscience behind it all and how loneliness can impact mental health as well as polarising politics. I, furthermore, found the part about the internet, social media and text communication captivating. Of course, any of these methods of communication have the potential for misunderstanding but this is even more so with social media and conversation held at a distance etc as you don't have any of the non-verbal cues to help analyse what was actually meant. For example, what was supposed to come across in a lighthearted, jokey manner may be completely misconstrued. This is an accessible, thought-provoking and useful book and should really be required reading for everyone who wishes to become a better, more empathic and patient listener. There are plenty of tips you can put to use immediately to help aid in listening and comprehension. Highly recommended. Many thanks to Harvill Secker for an ARC.

[Regina · Rating 4 out of 5]

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” ~Epictetus

Have you ever seen that quote or thought about that painfully-obvious revelation? I’d like to think that us reader folk do a wee bit better at listening than our peers, since we’re clearly interested in the stories others have to tell. So it’s a bit of a quandary that this and other pearls of wisdom about opening our ears and closing our mouths is packaged up in the form of a book. My wholehearted embrace of the author's messages was accompanied by a strong urge to pass it along to my long-talker friends and say, “Please shut up for a second and listen to what someone else has to say. Start with this.”

Could everyone benefit from listening more? Yes. So could everyone benefit from reading this book? You betcha. I just wonder if its subtle wisdom will ever get through to the loudest voices in the room.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like Quiet, this is a fascinating interdisciplinary survey of a misunderstood topic. People often call me a good listener. It’s true that I generally give good eye contact and am better than average at remembering names and salient facts dropped into conversation, but often I think people throw out that ‘good listener’ label just because I’m shy and will let others babble on for ages without interjecting a word myself. In a larger gathering (book club, a Bible study, a party, whatever), I often won’t say anything unless someone directly asks me a question. Anyway, this accounts for why I was interested in reading the book.

As a New York Times journalist, Murphy does a lot of listening to interview subjects. Oliver Sacks was a particularly memorable interviewee for her. But she acknowledges that we all fail to listen properly sometimes: because we’ve formed preconceptions about what we’re going to hear, because we’re looking out for our opportunity to speak and are already formulating a rebuttal or some unwanted advice, because we’re distracted (often by devices), or simply because we’re tired. She talks with representatives of so-called listening careers, some you might not have considered as such before (therapist, radio interviewer, focus group moderator, and Catholic priest, yes, but also CIA interrogator, air traffic controller, and bartender), and gathers tips on how they elicit confessions and/or make people feel that their views are valued.

I especially appreciated 1) the description of “the listener’s demeanor” (calm, with an interested and friendly face, and absolutely no fidgeting), 2) the distinction between a shift response and a support response (the former changes the subject or makes your experience the focus, instead of that of the person you’re talking to; the latter lets a person know they’ve been heard and gently invites them to say more), 3) a chapter on the distractions posed by smartphones and social media, and 4) a chapter on the physiology of listening, which I happened to read in the same week I went to the doctor about tinnitus.

In the Afterword, Murphy mentions that, perhaps even more so since Covid, people have been telling her that she has helped them with making an effort to have real conversations with the people who are important to them and practice good listening. I found this to be a short, interesting, and genuinely helpful self-help book; even those who don’t often read nonfiction should make an exception for it.

[Justo Martiañez]

Sin puntuar.

Que si, que estamos metidos en nuestros aparatitos y en nuestras redes sociales y ya no sabemos escuchar al prójimo. Puede que sea un buen libro, no he leído suficiente para puntuarlo, pero no me interesa lo más mínimo.

[Terry ~ Huntress of Erudition · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that has a message which needs to be heard by everyone.
Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world.
She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to listen and really tune into what another person is saying.
Effective communication takes being more interested in the other person than in yourself and controlling your impulse to cut in with something you want to say, or assuming you already know what the other person is going to say so you don't have to pay much attention.
The author uses examples of supportive conversations (which is good) and shifting conversations over to your point of view or your own personal experience, while ignoring what anyone else is saying (which is not good) because it limits your knowledge of someone else's point of view and/or feelings and destroys any closeness which may develope otherwise.

Overall, people need to feel connected to one another and to share common goals in order to have a fulfilling life and the author gives the reader ways to achieve this through actually listening to others.

[Briar's Reviews · Rating 3 out of 5]

You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters by Kate Murphy is an excellent self help book all about the constructs of becoming a better, active listener.

This book felt like a professionally written essay - the kind I would be required to read for my degree. It's thoughtful, has lots of great references and gives tips on how to be a better listener. It's a book all about psychology and people, so readers need to understand that going in. There's a lot of in depth thought and conversation going on in this book, so it's not necessarily the easiest book to read. It can be rather... boring... Oh dear, yeah, I said that scary word.

It's straight to the point with descriptions, explanations and examples. It's not witty or funny, it's a really well written take on good and bad listeners. It might not be insanely helpful to you though - it doesn't give you a step by step guide on how to listen to your partner/friend/parent/boss better. It explains why we don't listen well and why it's important to listen. If you want to learn exactly how to listen better it might be better to go to a therapist or social worker.

This book is super interesting though! I enjoyed reading it and understanding why people don't listen. Obviously there's a lot going on in people's lives, but we don't always remember that! Distractions, relationships, the environment - everything effects us.

Overall, this book is helpful and can give you a lot of learning opportunities.

Three out of five stars.

I received a free copy of this book from Goodreads First Reads.

[Bakertyl · Rating 3 out of 5]

A series of anecdotes, well written, thought not the most actionable advice.

As a high school teacher, I deal with students (and parents) who don't listen well... they hear just fine, but don't process what they've heard so they don't understand. Not all students of course, but enough that the pattern is an issue. I was interested in this book as a way to improve myself, to help model for my students.

Murphy does a good job of identifying problems with active listening and ways to prevent your wandering mind. I appreciate the research done (the Works Cited pages are as long as some of the chapters). The prose is easy to read and follow.

I would have like to see more examples of responding... there was a script about "shifting" and "support" responses, which is useful, would like to see more of that.