The Mamas: What I Learned About Kids, Class, and Race from Moms Not Like Me

by Helena Andrews-Dyer

Can white moms and Black moms ever truly be friends--not just mom friends, but real friends? And does it matter?

Helena Andrews-Dyer lives in a "hot" Washington, D.C. neighborhood, which means picturesque row houses and plenty of gentrification. After having her first child, she joined the local mom group--"the Mamas"--and quickly realized that being one of the only Black mothers in the mix was a mixed bag. The racial, cultural, and socioeconomic differences were made clear almost immediately, but spending time in what she calls "the Polly Pocket world of postracial parenting" was a welcome reprieve. Then George Floyd happened. A man was murdered, a man who called out for his mama. And suddenly, the Mamas hit different. Although they were alike in some ways--they want their kids to be safe; they think their husbands are lazy; they work too much and feel guilty about it--Andrews-Dyer realized she had an entirely different set of problems that her neighborhood mom friends could never truly understand.

In The Mamas, Andrews-Dyer chronicles the particular challenges she faces in a group where systemic racism can be solved with an Excel spreadsheet and where she, a Black, professional, Ivy League-educated mom, is overcompensating with every move. Andrews-Dyer grapples with her own inner tensions, like "Why do I always make sure I'm wearing my wedding ring when I go out with the baby?" and "Why did every name we considered for our kids have to pass the resumé test?"

Throw in a global pandemic and a nationwide movement for social justice, and Andrews-Dyer ultimately tries to find out whether moms from different backgrounds can truly understand one another. With sharp wit and refreshing honesty, The Mamas explores the contradictions and community of motherhood--white and Black and everything--against the backdrop of the rapidly changing world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Memoir, Race, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Biography

240 pages, Hardcover

First published August 23, 2022

About the author

Helena Andrews-Dyer is a senior culture writer at The Washington Post. She is the author of Reclaiming Her Time as well as Bitch Is the New Black, which was optioned by Shonda Rhimes. Her work has appeared in O: The Oprah Magazine, Marie Claire, Glamour, and The New York Times, among other publications. Andrews-Dyer has appeared on ABC’s Nightline, CBS’s This Morning, CNN, MSNBC, SiriusXM, NPR, and NY1. She lives in Washington, D.C.

Reviews

[Kate The Book Addict · Rating 4 out of 5]

First off, thanks to Crown Publishing for an ARC of The Mamas by Helena Andrews-Dyer for an honest review. And please feel free to send more ARCs my way!! ❤️ 📚 ⭐️
The Mamas stole my heart at the Author’s Note at the beginning of the book:
“Most of the names and identifying details in this book have been changed in order to protect the privacy of moms who don’t need another damn thing to obsess over or worry about.” Yasssss!!! Unite!!! Motherhood and life are hard and who doesn’t need a laugh?!! Who hasn’t been intimidated by the all-perfect “stroller cartel”?!! This book is not hilarious just for mamas though—it’s insight into our society applies to women AND men—and the author often interjects her husband’s delightful and passionate thoughts too, which I love. I found the writing style to be very easy-conversationalist, relatable, creative and endearing. My dad used to have hilarious and very true non-racist nicknames for people too. As all of us make our way through a very complex world, I love the author’s brilliant, well-thought out usually laughter-filled but sometimes deeply touching and heart-wrenching moments where she’s reconsidering her own intentions and motivations, exposing her sweet soul. Sometimes we think we were right in the moment but then see the other side of the situation and can laugh at ourselves or seriously reconsider our previous thoughts too, just as the author does, especially because we’re all ultimately Mama Bears about our children. Everyone needs a true friend like Helena and we’d all be the better for it. Thanks for giving us so much of your heart and your loving stories of your family and friends, and cuddles to Sally and Robyn. 💕

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

I listened to an interview with Helena Andrews-Dyer on the radio and really liked what she had to say, so I gave her recent book a try. It had its moments of insight but seemed to be largely comprised of insubstantial filler. I was disappointed in its highly casual style and voice. I was looking forward to reading something personal and meaningful, but personal doesn't have to equate to casual. Also, try as I might, I simply could not relate to a person who spends inordinate amounts of time and energy worrying about what is and isn't posted on Facebook.

[Vanessa M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I admired Ms. Andrews-Dyer's writing style and ability to seemingly handle so well continuing education, a career, a family, and an active social life amongst other pursuits. I appreciated her insights on race relations. I felt her book contributed much to that pertinent, ongoing conversation. I really enjoyed reading about her DC neighborhood as well. I would read this book again.

[Stephanie A-M · Rating 5 out of 5]

While reading The Mamas I sometimes cackled and other times I was teary as I recalled all of the angst and uncertainty of mothering while Black (and really young in my case) in predominantly white spaces. Helena recounts her own frustrations and anxieties with being the "only one" (my son was the only little Black boy at an all White NYC pre-school...lottery season and it's INSANITY is discussed in the book), her husband's indifference to her shenanigans and the "invisible labor" that is inherent in being a mother to a Black child when racism remains a constant in our everyday lives. She covers everything from our ever evolving identity as mothers, to parenting our parents to the absolute NECESSITY of having other women to mother alongside (because parenting can be an isolating endeavor).

I enjoyed the vulnerability, the humor and the truth-telling in this memoir. There are also several other books and resources that Andrews-Dyer cites that I am now keen to explore on the subject of sociological differences in parenting and on Black motherhood in particular.

[Domenica · Rating 2 out of 5]

A little too light for my taste - another one of those books that should have just been an article or blog post. She does have some very fascinating topics she covers that deserved more time and attention, namely Black motherhood and parenting. I wanted more of that and less of the Facebook drama. Which I know is related, but I am not sure Facebook drama is all that interesting. Also the chapter on her own mom seemed really out of place? This book shined when she got into the research on her subject matter.

[ryan batkay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok I found her to be funny but something about her writing was off-putting. Some chapters were definitely better than others but I enjoyed her perspective and honesty. The continuity is just like… not really there? Idk I guess I was just expecting something different. Loses a whole star for the whole feminism leading into homophobia thing lol

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you to Crown/Random house for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Started off very strong and had me laughing outloud, but began to lose focus and started going in many different directions. I struggled with "feeling" for her when she described her life's struggles- came across as tone deaf at times.

[Liz De Coster · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sharp and vulnerable and I'll have to chew on some of this for a while.

[Michelle Charles · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s been a minute since I was part of the stroller brigade and in those olden days there wasn’t Facebook aka Meta. I wasn’t texting on my Motorola Razor flip phone. In downtown Chicago, no one has a yard and we live in small spaces. Urban gatherings occurred in parks, libraries, music together, etc. it was the United Colors of Bennetton. Racial reckoning, equality and social justice wasn’t a topic of conversation. Would our socioeconomic, cultural differences and privilege been an issue? At the time our biggest division occurred around those that worked outside of the home and those that didn’t. I do know as a new mom I leaned on those mamas for therapy, survival and tips for the Kindergarten entrance process. They were friendships of convenience/proximity and most importantly belonging and connection. That season has passed. Only a very few of those moms and I remain friends today but they are some of my most dearest friends even if our children (now young adults) no longer “play” together.

Helena Andrews-Dyer casts a practical light on her own prejudices and behavior as well as the mamas she connects with in D.C./Bloomingdale. She is laugh out loud funny. I hope we would have been friends.

[Sydney Slater Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really thought provoking for me! The intersection of race, parenting, privilege, and at the end of the day - everyone wanting what’s best for your child. It was an important read I thought, I appreciated her candor. Sometimes I felt embarrassed, but I felt that made it even more valuable to hear.

[AGMaynard]

Gave up on this quickly; letting it go to somebody waiting for audiobook (read by author). Seems it might have been an essay or article expanded, an of-the-moment slight memoir in pandemic times with zippy slang and pop culture references.

[Candace]

DNF @ 25% 5/8/24 on audio. This returned to the library when I was only a quarter of the way through, but I don't think I'll renew it. It's a memoir, and so far there's not much other data woven in to give context to her experiences. Also, she's talking about being an outsider as a black woman in a predominately white upper-class neighborhood, which is valid. But it's hard for me to relate to wanting to crack the code of white motherhood that involves taking your baby to music and other enrichment classes during the day to give them an advantage in life. No shade to any moms, but this white mom doesn't do that, nor have I ever wanted to.

[Laura Birnbaum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Obviously, I loved this. Plenty to laugh at, the author’s complex relationship with her own mother, and localized DC history made this much more than a book about parenting.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little disjointed, but very insightful and funny as hell!

[Kamimi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book very much. I have thought about many of the topics brought up by Helena throughout this book and appreciate her writing them down and allowing others to join with her in thinking about them and exploring them. It was wonderful to have her humor, honesty, intelligence, and vulnerability in this book. And great to talk about race and class in DC, where I currently reside. Happy to share it with neighbors and friends for more discussion and thoughtfulness!

[Leslee Foote · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh…I could’ve lived without reading this. I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but the cover is 1000 times more interesting than the content. The authors big desire to belong but also rebel in the same sense just didn’t make sense to me. But it also seems like she didn’t really know herself, which led to her contradictory responses to the mamas. I didn’t want to leave the book unfinished so I read it all, but never again.

[Cecelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was surpringsly funny, like laugh out loud funny! I liked it! The author makes a lot good observations and provides research to validate her perspective. But, she doesn't force her perspective on the reader. She leaves you with some food for thought to make sense of things on your own.

[Sheba Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was laugh out loud funny. I listened to the audiobook. I have been recommending this book to any DC millennial black parent whether man or woman. Listening to the book was like listening to a juicy podcast. I completed the 6 hr book in 24 hours.

[Ari · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd read Andrews' previous memoir and remember loving it, frequently laughing out loud or nodding my head in recognition. I'm not a mom but I am thinking about it so I was intrigued by this book especially as someone living in DC (at the time I read it) who used to live near Bloomingdale. I was puzzled by the author's insistence on hanging with her local mom group since she was the only Black woman. She makes it clear in both the book and interviews that she prized proximity (her neighborhood) over finding other Black mothers (didn't want to drive to other parts of DC) which is her progerative but it was a choice I really struggled to accept. My personal dislike of the choice prevented me from enjoying this book as much as some other readers, it's not a book I'd give to other Black moms or mom-to-bes but I tried to remain neutral in this review and look at what the book was trying to do.THE MAMAS is a humorous and sentimental look at motherhood told from the perspective of a Black millennial mother living in DC. As in Andrews' previous book I enjoyed her conversational tone, she manages to mix lighthearted anecdotes, "secret white meetings" with some deep observations about the anxiety and stress of parenting as a Black mother. She's trying to do a lot in the book, it seemed unsure of what it wanted to be, she said "reported memoir" but it reads to me as an uneven essay collection. It covers multiple topics beyond motherhood which is good, you can't fully write about motherhood without grappling with capitalism and other societal ills. In addition to parenting Andrews writes about education, gentrification, the Black DC middle glass and aging parents but shys away from fully diagnosing the problem or offering solutions to the parenting dilemmas she navigates. Those looking for a rousing call to action or plan to implement won't find it here. But what they will find is an entertaining, occasionally thought-provoking look at a specific experience that highlights the importance of cross racial solidarity (we won't achieve Black liberation without some white folks) especially among moms. I hope her mother's group bands together to figure out ways to make their presence in Bloomingdale less intrusive. And that someone starts a free Black mom's group in DC because that's apparently not a thing??Some quotes I liked:On her initial parenthood ambivalence "By thirty something we sort of knew what we were doing-or at least we thought we knew-and no wanted to have to memorize a new playbook." (30)"It was becoming increasingly apparent that most everything in our neighborhood [Bloomingdale] that related to parents, babies, adulting, homebuying, the farmer's market, renovations, neighborhood cleanups-and just, you know, living-was dominated by white people. It was stifling and enraging, but weirdly motivating, forcing me off the couch and out of my comfort zone. Because I wasn't going to let them have more." (41)"When I am my mother's mother, I get a glimpse of what she might have gone through raising me-the frustration, the unexpected well of patience, the devotion-which in turn reminds me of the woman I want her to get back to. When I am her daughter, the sharp fear of losing her springs me into frantic action. And then I'm her mother again." (143)"What does your mother become when you're becoming one yourself? What do you take and what do you leave? How many of her looks become yours? How many of her truisms get thrown in the trash? Where does she end and you begin? My mother got stuck somewhere between center stage and waiting in the wings. Taking up mental space that should've been the baby's."

[Big Fat Bear Living Somewhere Nice In Canada · Rating 5 out of 5]

andrews-dyer's writing is funny and refreshing, so this was a joy to read from start to finish. this book is an intimate and real depiction of the author's journey of motherhood: from the pre-pregnancy bias against having kids, to the acceptance that it was happening, to the chaos of raising two children. it heavily explored navigating the "post-race" world of the DC neighborhood of bloomingdale and how race informs so many of the interactions that the author has with other moms and also in raising a child that she wants the best for. the author also isn't shy to question her own beliefs when it's necessary, and that was interesting and real.

questions this books asks us and ponders: do moms of the same race want the same things for their kids or even have the same experience as a mom? how do class and race intersect in motherhood? does the title of "mom" bring people of different races together or do black moms have less in common with white moms? is it okay or normal to be frustrated at your own parents while also raising your children? what role does the history of a place have on modern day politics and treatment of black people (ie in a neighborhood like bloomingdale)? how early do children begin mimicking racism and where does it come from? and more.

the implications of these questions are endless, and andrews-dyer does a great job of tackling them with her own thoughts that highlight how much nuance there is.

the author's experience as a journalist also really shines through with her including quotes from experts, mixing in hilarious anecdotes, and including detailed researched history of past events and places. lastly i'll just add that i loved how the author described her husband and how frustratingly reasonable he can be in the face of mom drama, his funny quips, and ultimately how supportive he is.

[Carrie Campbell-jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was exhausting… very race heavy. As a black woman and mother of an 8yo boy and 9yo girl, I did NOT give anywhere near this much thought or concern about race while I was pregnant and while raising my kids. We live in Florida, and central Florida at that, where diversity is present. My kids weren’t “aware” of their skin color until first grade when my daughter mentioned brown Mikayla and tan Mikayla when telling me a story about what she and her friends did at school that day. The kids are all very friendly and stand up for each other from what I’ve experienced- both boys and girls alike. I pray this continues. This 3rd grade year my 9yo daughter had an experience with a “mean” girl (who like she, is also black). My daughter continued to be kind and inclusive and eventually a friendship formed. (My daughter is better than me cause I was all about “reacting” when she said through tears “no mom I want to be her friend”. ) Their teachers thus far (from infant classroom at the daycare to their current 2nd and 3rd grade classes) focus less on the color of skin and more about character and what being a good citizen is, and showing respect to each other. This is very surprising (I grew up in the 80s and was a latchkey kid in NYC so defense, and awareness are in my genes) yet rewarding to experience honestly. It brings me hope that racism may possibly truly end with my children’s generation.

So, all this being said, I could not relate very much to this book. The best chapters were 7 and 8 for me - regarding her relationship with her mom. Would I recommend? Sure, we are all products of the society we live in and experience (past and present) drives relativity. So yes, read and gain your own opinion.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the author's honesty and her anxiety as she writes about her life, mostly focused on those first few years of motherhood. I rated it high because I'm right there with the author, having a few years of motherhood under my belt, but I could see how other readers may not get as much from it.

I may be wrong, but I think it's fairly universal for new parents to be unprepared for what a big change it is after having babies. American society is so disconnected and has mostly lost the community and it-takes-a-village aspect that families could use. So what happens when you go from a fairly capable adult to an unprepared parent responsible for a small, dependent being? You research and search out how to be the best parent so you don't muck it up, and one great place for research is the mom group. While mom groups are great sources of support and education, they can also be competitive and judgmental, and they are definitely segregated. The author lays out why that is and why it needs to be.

My multiracial children were born in 2018 and 2019. Like many other white people, my worldview shifted heavily after George Floyd was killed, and the effects rippled through my mom groups in various ways. Majority white groups did surface level things that have since faded from their lives. No impactful changes were really made. I can only imagine how the few Black women must have felt within these groups. Probably felt a lot like the author did. I hope that she writes another book about her parenting down the road. I'd definitely pick it up.

[Heather Vickery · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. The author is laugh out loud funny and a great writer. It felt like a text book or a news article at some points and that dragged for me. But overall I really enjoyed the perceptive of the author.

On a more personal note, I I get it. When I was pregnant for the first time (in 2004) I joined an online community of expecting moms (this was before Facebook). I was so scared and alone. I was desperate for people who could walk with me, educate me, support me, complain with me, laugh with me. And I loved these women. Truly. I stated in contact with these mama’s on a daily Babis for almost 10 years and now, 18.5 years later I’m
still friends with many of these women.

18 years is a long time. I look back and wish we had done a lot of things differently. We’ve leaned so much. Grown so much. Some In ways I’m proud of and some not so much.

But I’m grateful to these mothers. For being mothers with me when I needed it most.

This book truly speaks to that. A lifeline when you have no freaking clue what you’re doing. And it’s a beautiful thing even when it’s flawed.

[Linda Rodeman · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book will probably spark a lot of discussion between the reader and those around them. Or at least give the reader a lot to think about. At least it should.

The book is the author's experience in her quest for identity as a mother, a Black mother, living and working in a gentrified neighborhood in Washington DC. That is something that I had to keep reminding myself, because I don't think that it speaks to all mothers, because not all of us feel the need to keep up with the Joneses of the world.

Overall, the book was kind of scattered. In some parts it is very casual, maybe too casual, and very much slangy; and in other parts the author tries to drill home the history of the specific neighborhood she lives in and educate the reader about research on the differences between raising Black children and white children (which in the author's case, she considers everyone who is not Black as white), and racism in general.

So was this book about race, finding her personal identity, about being a mama? Maybe all three?

[Beth (what.beth.reads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to the publisher for the digital reading copy of The Mamas, the receipt of which did not impact my review.

I enjoyed Helena Andrews-Dyer's thoughtful book focusing on her experiences with motherhood, in particular with the mostly-white mom group she has dubbed "the Mamas." Andrews-Dyer's writing style was engaging and she had some laugh-out-loud one-liners that perfectly summed up motherhood. Example: "For most normal humans, 'cute kid' is a throwaway line - something you say to besieged new parents as compensation for their pain. Sorry you're sleep deprived and have s*** on your face, but your baby's not fugly. Cheers!"

I enjoyed the history and facts she included about her neighborhood and reading about her own experiences made me think and want to learn more - which to me, is a sign of a successful book.

[J.S. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny, thought-provoking and thoroughly entertaining read for this mama (who had to do a lot of internet searching throughout the book to try to keep up ... sadly, my husband and son both knew what RBF was, even though I didn't). Even 15 years in, it is good to have reminders that:
1) POC have a whole slew of issues they deal with in addition to the parenting issues of white people.
2) I need to check my assumptions when thinking/talking about race and class.
3) As a white mother, I also need to keep doing the hard work when the thinking/talking challenge me and my views, make me uncomfortable...I can't just give up.
4) There are so many different kinds of parents in all groups of classes and races out there, and finding friends you connect with is HARD for all of us.
5) "Whether of not I'm doing it right is above me now."

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars rounded up! After picking it up on impulse after spotting it at the library, this book sat on my shelf for months until the impending library due date (after multiple automatic renewals) forced me to either read it or return it. I dug in and I’m SO glad I did!

Part history lesson, part memoir, part friendship-secret-sharing, Helena Andrews-Dyer had me laughing, nodding, reflecting, discussing, and even shedding a few tears. Each chapter tackles a different topic on motherhood… from our relationships with our own moms, to finding our “authentic” self (whatever that means), to navigating mom groups… all with the impact of race at the forefront. With the quiet things being said out loud. It read like a conversation with a friend, and I felt like I was taken into her confidence and trusted with something real and big and true and important.

[Rachael]

I’m not sure how to rate this. It felt more like a memoir about parenting with racial thoughts scattered in. It was incredibly insightful and made me really evaluate myself as a person, but not as a mother. I honestly think my favorite chapter was the last one, and if that had been what the majority of the book was about, I would have felt the title was more valid. There was a large portion of the first part of the book that was just Andrews-Dyer setting up her perspective as a black mom in a white space. As I said before, it was a bit bitter in tone and made me feel attacked, but it must also be exhausting living life in a constant state of otherness. I don’t regret reading this, and feel like, as far as parenting my daughter in an attempt to break cycles, I’m on the right track. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long for the book to get there.

[Kayla Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a PHENOMENAL memoir. andrews-dyer has a unique, comedic, and cutting voice in this book on motherhood. I gained a lot of new perspective by reading this, and hearing about her life experiences made me think about parenting like I never have before. There are so many stereotypes and pressures surrounding modern mothering, especially for Black women who deal with additional systemic barriers and violence, which they have to navigate not only for themselves, but also their children. she also touches on the community she found through parenting, shared some funny stories about her husband, and offered up a vulnerable take on her changing relationship with her mother, as she’s entered motherhood herself. this memoir felt authentic and will offer new or relatable ideas to anyone who might read.

[Kim Nyborg · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 🌟
First... The introduction had me dying. I was sitting on my deck - wrapped in a blanket, in a sweatshirt, with a stocking cap, drinking coffee on a chilly morning when I started the book. The introduction opens with the author joking about WW loving cold... I nearly shot coffee out my frozen nose 🤣
I enjoyed the rest of the book too. As a mother living in an area where I don't quite fit for reasons other than race, I felt a kinship with the author however, I realized how much harder motherhood is on M. O. C on top of EVERYTHING else we're required to do. For everything we ask moms/the default parent to do, a support system is necessary and without one where we can TRULY feel like yourself, the stress continued to mount. We need a village. I also loved the history of their neighborhood sprinkled in. It made me want to move there & be part of the SUPER COOL MAMAS.