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How Not to Be an *SS: Essays on Becoming a Good & Safe Man
I am a recovering ass.
Of course, at times I still am one, but it's less often. I now recognize my “assness” more quickly, recalibrate, and take action to make amends for my poor behavior. It's important to acknowledge the truth of our mistakes without turning towards self-contempt, shame, or beating ourselves up for the harm we have caused to those we love. Yet, we must take full responsibility for our poor behavior and fully own what we have done and learn to live differently, becoming men who bring life rather than further heartache.
This book is just as much for me as it is for you. I am in the process of learning to become a good and safe man and writing out these truths in this book has helped me immensely. I hope it will help you on your journey to becoming the man you most desire to be.
Of course, at times I still am one, but it's less often. I now recognize my “assness” more quickly, recalibrate, and take action to make amends for my poor behavior. It's important to acknowledge the truth of our mistakes without turning towards self-contempt, shame, or beating ourselves up for the harm we have caused to those we love. Yet, we must take full responsibility for our poor behavior and fully own what we have done and learn to live differently, becoming men who bring life rather than further heartache.
This book is just as much for me as it is for you. I am in the process of learning to become a good and safe man and writing out these truths in this book has helped me immensely. I hope it will help you on your journey to becoming the man you most desire to be.
193 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 14, 2022
67 people are currently reading
131 people want to read
About the author
Andrew J. Bauman
9 books33 followersCo-Founder & Director of the Christian Counseling Center: For Sexual Health & Trauma (CCC), Andrew J. Bauman is a licensed mental health counselor with a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology from The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. He spent 10 years studying under Dr. Dan Allender. Andrew is the author of Floating Away, Stumbling Toward Wholeness, The Psychology of Porn, and (with Christy) A Brave Lament.
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
October 3, 2023
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Regardless of whether or not you grew up in an abusive home, or currently have immature parts that need growing up, this book is extremely helpful in portraying what healthy masculinity looks like…by talking honestly about the spectrum of what unhealthy masculinity looks like. This will be added to my essential reads for healthy masculinity.
Regardless of whether or not you grew up in an abusive home, or currently have immature parts that need growing up, this book is extremely helpful in portraying what healthy masculinity looks like…by talking honestly about the spectrum of what unhealthy masculinity looks like. This will be added to my essential reads for healthy masculinity.
June 4, 2023
My friend recommended it and I was like what you saying bro. But I am glad I cleared that up and read it. Really a great thought provoking book.
December 27, 2022
Thought-provoking, and I hope more men read it
I am a woman recovering and healing from an abusive relationship, but I read this book anyway – despite it being geared toward men.
It is an excellent book. I hope more men read it and take Andrew’s words to heart. I genuinely want to believe that abusive men *can* change, if they’re willing to do the work like Andrew was. Things might have gone differently for my relationship had I known about this resource at the time.
One thing that really stood out to me was Andrew pointing out that abusers can fall on a spectrum — from the unaware fool to the narcissistic coward. I never felt like my abuser fit the “narcissist” category, but he was definitely abusive. So that was a good distinction for me to read about.
I am a woman recovering and healing from an abusive relationship, but I read this book anyway – despite it being geared toward men.
It is an excellent book. I hope more men read it and take Andrew’s words to heart. I genuinely want to believe that abusive men *can* change, if they’re willing to do the work like Andrew was. Things might have gone differently for my relationship had I known about this resource at the time.
One thing that really stood out to me was Andrew pointing out that abusers can fall on a spectrum — from the unaware fool to the narcissistic coward. I never felt like my abuser fit the “narcissist” category, but he was definitely abusive. So that was a good distinction for me to read about.
March 15, 2022
This originally appeared at The Irresponsible Reader.
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WHAT'S HOW NOT TO BE AN *SS ABOUT?
This is a collection of essays* built around the idea that men who are an *ss (the asterisk is courtesy of Bauman, not me) can change and become a good and safe men.
* Plus a couple of poems. Entirely skippable poems (your results may vary).
Bauman calls men to an authentic, Biblical masculinity—one built on humility, kindness, and service. While offering concrete ways to set aside patterns of abuse and neglect.
GOOD AND SAFE MEN
Bauman's description of Good and Safe men is maybe filled with a few too many buzzwords. But when you get past that, I really appreciated what he had to say, and I wish I heard more things like that coming from Reformed and Evangelical men.
HIS DEFINITION OF *SS
A lot of the time he's talking about an *ss, he's talking about something worse. Something like a felon (perhaps not a convicted felon, but someone who should be charged, at least). Most of what he describes as an *ss are abusers. I think we should call them what they are.
Even if you take his *ss as a range—from "The Unaware Fool" (although by definition, some of those he considers unaware, are aware) to "The Narcissistic Coward"—he spends most of his time on "The Narcissistic Coward" when it's the Fool that would be more open to the help and guidance.
SHORTCOMING
There are two that seem the most prominent. First, this is an essay collection, not a sustained argument. As a result, it's a bit scatter-shot and hard to draw any firm conclusions about some of the material. Also, it makes some of the material too surface-level.
Secondly, it's focused too much on the abusive man, on ways to he can improve. But earlier on, it seemed to be a book for those who weren't abusive, but are wanting to be better, safer men. Now, don't get me wrong—I'm all for the former. But I got the impression when I bought the book (and in the early essays) that it was about the latter.
SO, WHAT DID I THINK ABOUT HOW NOT TO BE AN *SS?
I'm not sure that what I've said here is that helpful without digging in deep into his arguments and suggestions—and to do that is beyond what I have time for here. But hopefully, there's something useful here.
There's a lot of good here, a lot of important resources. The theological language is a little imprecise for my taste, but none of it is a deal-breaker for me. The gold outweighs the chaff.
It's not the book I thought I was getting, but I'm glad that I read it. I wanted more, sure, but I liked what I got.
---
WHAT'S HOW NOT TO BE AN *SS ABOUT?
This is a collection of essays* built around the idea that men who are an *ss (the asterisk is courtesy of Bauman, not me) can change and become a good and safe men.
* Plus a couple of poems. Entirely skippable poems (your results may vary).
Bauman calls men to an authentic, Biblical masculinity—one built on humility, kindness, and service. While offering concrete ways to set aside patterns of abuse and neglect.
GOOD AND SAFE MEN
Bauman's description of Good and Safe men is maybe filled with a few too many buzzwords. But when you get past that, I really appreciated what he had to say, and I wish I heard more things like that coming from Reformed and Evangelical men.
HIS DEFINITION OF *SS
A lot of the time he's talking about an *ss, he's talking about something worse. Something like a felon (perhaps not a convicted felon, but someone who should be charged, at least). Most of what he describes as an *ss are abusers. I think we should call them what they are.
Even if you take his *ss as a range—from "The Unaware Fool" (although by definition, some of those he considers unaware, are aware) to "The Narcissistic Coward"—he spends most of his time on "The Narcissistic Coward" when it's the Fool that would be more open to the help and guidance.
SHORTCOMING
There are two that seem the most prominent. First, this is an essay collection, not a sustained argument. As a result, it's a bit scatter-shot and hard to draw any firm conclusions about some of the material. Also, it makes some of the material too surface-level.
Secondly, it's focused too much on the abusive man, on ways to he can improve. But earlier on, it seemed to be a book for those who weren't abusive, but are wanting to be better, safer men. Now, don't get me wrong—I'm all for the former. But I got the impression when I bought the book (and in the early essays) that it was about the latter.
SO, WHAT DID I THINK ABOUT HOW NOT TO BE AN *SS?
I'm not sure that what I've said here is that helpful without digging in deep into his arguments and suggestions—and to do that is beyond what I have time for here. But hopefully, there's something useful here.
There's a lot of good here, a lot of important resources. The theological language is a little imprecise for my taste, but none of it is a deal-breaker for me. The gold outweighs the chaff.
It's not the book I thought I was getting, but I'm glad that I read it. I wanted more, sure, but I liked what I got.
September 22, 2023
🖋️ Since I am always curious about what people are doing to improve themselves, their attitudes, and their souls, I picked up this book of essays to possibly help men to be men. In sum, this is a curiously entertaining collection. When I read, “Shame will not help you at all in your quest to become a better and more honorable man” made me laugh. Why? Because shame is something greatly lacking in today’s society. “Toxic shame is more about humiliation than humility. It speaks not to poor behavior, as much as it is a curse to the core of who you are.” Toxic shame?” Overall, this was an interesting collection of essays.
🏮 Kindle Unlimited.
🔲 Excerpts of note:
♦️●▬●🔷●🔷●▬●♦️
🏮 Kindle Unlimited.
🔲 Excerpts of note:
🔹The good and safe man is humble. He has suffered, and that has shaped him into a man who has been tenderized—softened by pain. An ass is someone who has suffered, but has not been a good steward of his suffering. He acts like he has suffered, yet has not been deeply transformed by his pain; he has merely stuffed it down, thus passing the unprocessed pain onto others through a variety of ways.
🔸Sure, he wasn’t out sleeping around or watching porn, but he was still with his “other lover”—his business.
♦️●▬●🔷●🔷●▬●♦️
March 1, 2024
Solid Read
I am going to tell you right now...this is not an easy read. If you are in a position to hear what the author is telling you, even though you may feel offended at times, you can hear the words of truth and do something about the mess you may have made. I encourage you to press on with true, godly humility. You will be pressed hard. Admitting to abuse sucks to admit, for sure, but you have to be willing if you are guilty of it. If you have the courage to step into the space where you can fully admit your failures and mistreatment/abuse of others, yet still not condemn or hate yourself, this book is a very good START on a lifetime of work. I figure if you ever have a choice between doing a hard thing or an easy thing, the hard thing is generally the right thing to do. But the first step will be to have an open, honest, humble mind and a softened heart. I am thankful to the author that he has a part of opening mine with his work here. I pray I'll be willing for years to come to continue in this direction and receive true healing, becoming the man I was created to be.
I am going to tell you right now...this is not an easy read. If you are in a position to hear what the author is telling you, even though you may feel offended at times, you can hear the words of truth and do something about the mess you may have made. I encourage you to press on with true, godly humility. You will be pressed hard. Admitting to abuse sucks to admit, for sure, but you have to be willing if you are guilty of it. If you have the courage to step into the space where you can fully admit your failures and mistreatment/abuse of others, yet still not condemn or hate yourself, this book is a very good START on a lifetime of work. I figure if you ever have a choice between doing a hard thing or an easy thing, the hard thing is generally the right thing to do. But the first step will be to have an open, honest, humble mind and a softened heart. I am thankful to the author that he has a part of opening mine with his work here. I pray I'll be willing for years to come to continue in this direction and receive true healing, becoming the man I was created to be.
February 2, 2022
Creating Honorable Men
Andrew has done it again with his new book that doesn’t hold anything back and shows how abusive men can transform into Christ-like men. He show us the destruction that men cause when they act like *sses. He also is not timid in sharing his own issues and what he did to address them. If you are a man who is abusive, or a woman who is in an abusive relationship, this is a must read.
Andrew has done it again with his new book that doesn’t hold anything back and shows how abusive men can transform into Christ-like men. He show us the destruction that men cause when they act like *sses. He also is not timid in sharing his own issues and what he did to address them. If you are a man who is abusive, or a woman who is in an abusive relationship, this is a must read.
March 24, 2024
Really clear insight on abuse in marriage contrasted with how men can be good, safe partners. Bauman does a good job of calling men to live in kindness, truth, and humility for however long it takes to rebuild trust and even if their wives decide they need to live separately for their own safety. Much better than the advice often given out by pastors that actually makes abusive situations worse.
I especially appreciated the two chapters written by women the author knows.
I especially appreciated the two chapters written by women the author knows.
June 20, 2024
my therapist recommended this to me because i am concerned that books and conversations like these end up more destructive than productive and she really liked it. i have nothing good to say about it so i will say very little. 2 stars because i don't think it's problematic (little too into christianity for me but im not its target audience) and it did occasionally have insight. i dont think i'll be able to ever tell her i read this.
April 14, 2022
I appreciated some things about the book especially the chapter on the kind of church an abusive man would want to attend. I am thankful for the heart of the author and his passion to deal with the core issues that lead to abuse but I think there are some key aspects of the gospel in his framework that are missing.
Read
October 29, 2022Bauman is incredibly honoring of women and gives great practical wisdom for working through abusive patterns. I am not sure if an abuser in the thick of abuse would be willing to read this but I do think this could be helpful for someone who has started the healing journey, in addition to therapists and spiritual leaders.
December 13, 2022
Great Explanation with Helpful Tips
This book was an easy-read as far as the style. It was concise and focused on personal development examples from the author.
Bauman has lots of great tips about how to be a healthy man. Since we have a son, I figured it would be a good read to help me understand more.
This book was an easy-read as far as the style. It was concise and focused on personal development examples from the author.
Bauman has lots of great tips about how to be a healthy man. Since we have a son, I figured it would be a good read to help me understand more.
January 24, 2022
Very easy read. I was expecting more depth. The voice switched so it was at times confusing if the “you” was speaking to the abuser or the abused. It’s encouraging to know that some abusers can change. And I appreciate that the author is blunt.
June 30, 2023
the hard truth
Wife and I are currently separated because of my emotional immaturity and explosions towards her the last 5 years. I have my work cut out for me and this is precisely what I needed
Wife and I are currently separated because of my emotional immaturity and explosions towards her the last 5 years. I have my work cut out for me and this is precisely what I needed
May 1, 2024
good Christian perspective on abuse
Good Christian perspective on abuse and how it is influenced by addiction and religion. I think it’s a good read for anyone coming out of addiction or in ministry.
Good Christian perspective on abuse and how it is influenced by addiction and religion. I think it’s a good read for anyone coming out of addiction or in ministry.
July 27, 2023
Excellent book. Sad that my husband is choosing to remain an ass instead of choosing recovery and following the Lord. However, I didn’t cause his addiction nor can I change him.
April 13, 2024
It soothed my female mind and body to read something designed for men that honored women highly like Jesus did.
August 8, 2025
Disagree with so many of his conclusions. It's like A+B=a baseball on mars. it doesn't make sense.
August 9, 2025
A very important read for anyone working in the realm of domestic abuse.
September 28, 2025
Helpful, yes at parts. Tone needs re-written so as to not indict in what you are trying to eradicate. Try softer. Author seems to have as much contempt as he condemns in others.
December 17, 2022
Hopeful, Insightful & Practical
This book is better than I hoped it would be. Highly recommend for anyone in ministry, especially pastors, elders, and leaders to educate themselves to best serve the families in their care.
This book is better than I hoped it would be. Highly recommend for anyone in ministry, especially pastors, elders, and leaders to educate themselves to best serve the families in their care.
January 19, 2024
I gave this book to someone I love. May seem odd, but it really is a gift! I appreciate men who own their mistakes and behavior, and want to use it to help other men be good and safe. This kind of work men are responsible for is critical to the well being of themselves and others. The author also acknowledges toxic masculinity (I have seen others deny it while still trying to help men, which is counterproductive). He also acknowledges what's inherently wonderful about men and the healthy male experience, making the all important distinguishing explanation that calling out toxic masculinity is not dissing men, but rather freeing them to be fully male. The book displays a spectrum of toxic issues and abuse, so not all situations will apply, and yet, all of it is worthy of reading, learning, and growing from. The author is Christian, but also in a healthy way, as many circles of Christianity I find are only perpetuating toxic, harmful messages about men that are degrading, and harmful to women and men themselves. He highlights the model Jesus plays in lifting up women, and advocating for equality. "The cultural norm at the time was to view women as unclean...patriarchy and misogyny were thick in Jesus' day, and it is in that cultural context that we see how radical the story of Jesus is." Indeed! In today's culture of the same problems, this still rings true.. "If bearing an assault rifle is what makes us a true man, then we are deeply misinformed and misguided on what is authentically masculine...evangelicals have had a long standing confusion on what healthy masculine power truly is." He also refers to the book, Jesus and John Wayne- an excellent one. That some evangelical churches portray violence and militant heroes as a male standard is terribly problematic and fueling "assery" and abuse in men. Safety, accountability, restoration, mourning, and relationships are explained and provided with wisdom in how to navigate them. Patience and time for change is encouraged. Good book. More men like this, please!
November 17, 2023
MPA ratings: PG for mild language and for thematic material including mentions of domestic violence, abuse, and rape
January 17, 2022
Someone recommended this book in the Biblical Christian Egalitarians Facebook group. I read it with the purpose of understanding how to support (mainly) women experiencing abuse and to understand the psyche of an *ss. Bauman writes frankly from personal and professional experience in an everyday language.
January 19, 2022
A collection of connected essays that explore the author’s experience as a therapist helping others and as a man sharing his own journey of learning to be good and safe. Honest. Straight forward. Bold with a touch of humor, as always. Thank you, Andrew.
June 19, 2025
This book was not good it was written in a way of shaming people and not trying to help them.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews