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Sausagey Santa
A bizarro Christmas story... filled with sex and violence
Santa isn't the jolly old elf he's been described as in Children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages.
One snowy Christmas Eve, while visiting the Fry family, Sausagey Santa is attacked by an evil force that is driven to destroy Christmas forever. It is an anti-Christmas spirit that loathes everything having to do with children and Jesus. After it steals his magic bag of presents, Santa calls upon Matthew Fry and his wife, Decapitron (a brutish warrior woman with a strange Christmas fetish and a candy cane sword), to help get it back and save Christmas for everyone.
It's the greatest sausage-spewing, elf-raping, zombie-killing, Transformer-fucking, reindeer-exploding, snowman-battling, adventure-rocking, bizarro Christmas story OF ALL TIME!!!
Santa isn't the jolly old elf he's been described as in Children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages.
One snowy Christmas Eve, while visiting the Fry family, Sausagey Santa is attacked by an evil force that is driven to destroy Christmas forever. It is an anti-Christmas spirit that loathes everything having to do with children and Jesus. After it steals his magic bag of presents, Santa calls upon Matthew Fry and his wife, Decapitron (a brutish warrior woman with a strange Christmas fetish and a candy cane sword), to help get it back and save Christmas for everyone.
It's the greatest sausage-spewing, elf-raping, zombie-killing, Transformer-fucking, reindeer-exploding, snowman-battling, adventure-rocking, bizarro Christmas story OF ALL TIME!!!
112 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
10 people are currently reading
393 people want to read
About the author
Carlton Mellick III
119 books2,168 followersCarlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 72 reviews
December 25, 2017
"You have more important things to worry about right now, like rescuing your children from a satanic Nazi snowman. Besides, you're probably going to get killed anyway."
The War on Christmas is SO five minutes ago! Now it's time to Fight for Christmas! Fight to the death against Frosty's Nazi Satanic Army.
If you're tired of the sweetness & light the Christmas season brings, and comfort & joy are not your bag, sick of Norman Rockwell rolled in a crunchy coating of Thomas Kinkade . . . THIS is the book for you.
Not recommended for anyone put off by the idea of sexually aggressive elves.
And to all a fine bratwurst!
The War on Christmas is SO five minutes ago! Now it's time to Fight for Christmas! Fight to the death against Frosty's Nazi Satanic Army.
If you're tired of the sweetness & light the Christmas season brings, and comfort & joy are not your bag, sick of Norman Rockwell rolled in a crunchy coating of Thomas Kinkade . . . THIS is the book for you.
Not recommended for anyone put off by the idea of sexually aggressive elves.
And to all a fine bratwurst!
December 16, 2024
Classic CM3 with all the hallmarks checked, including the weird female sexual behavior. But I can't complain this time: it was all in the book description 😅
Some funny moments, not his best, by far
Some funny moments, not his best, by far
August 1, 2011
This story kept reminding me of an adult Christmas episode of "Adventure Time with Finn & Jake."
It was amazingly wild, Mellick's imagery, characters and writing were just spot on.
Sausagey Santa is an awesome bizarro reworking of the night before Christmas. Sly Guy Fry, his wild MMA death fighter of a wife named Decapitron, and their children go to bed Christmas Eve after hearing the story of Sausagey Santa, and awaken in the middle of the night to hear Sausagey Santa and his reindeer on the roof. While relaxing and throwing back a few drinks Sausagey Santa and the family are interrupted by the evil Nazi Frosty whose coffee (evil) birds possess snowmen in the front yard, steal Santa's bag of toys, freeze Decapitron and their twin children, and kidnap their oldest children. It's up to Fry, Sausagey Santa and all his elves to regroup at the North Pole, arm up, and travel to the South Pole to rescue the children and save Christmas.
This novella is just chock full of awesome, from the kinky elves at the North Pole who are obsessed with Burt Reynolds and love themselves some Dungeons & Dragons, to Fry's obsession with being a Sly Guy and looking cool, as well as his love of this adventure rock band called Spelunker, Fry's favorite song being "Canyon Kayaking Danger Team." It was an all around witty, fun, action packed Christmas adventure.
It was amazingly wild, Mellick's imagery, characters and writing were just spot on.
Sausagey Santa is an awesome bizarro reworking of the night before Christmas. Sly Guy Fry, his wild MMA death fighter of a wife named Decapitron, and their children go to bed Christmas Eve after hearing the story of Sausagey Santa, and awaken in the middle of the night to hear Sausagey Santa and his reindeer on the roof. While relaxing and throwing back a few drinks Sausagey Santa and the family are interrupted by the evil Nazi Frosty whose coffee (evil) birds possess snowmen in the front yard, steal Santa's bag of toys, freeze Decapitron and their twin children, and kidnap their oldest children. It's up to Fry, Sausagey Santa and all his elves to regroup at the North Pole, arm up, and travel to the South Pole to rescue the children and save Christmas.
This novella is just chock full of awesome, from the kinky elves at the North Pole who are obsessed with Burt Reynolds and love themselves some Dungeons & Dragons, to Fry's obsession with being a Sly Guy and looking cool, as well as his love of this adventure rock band called Spelunker, Fry's favorite song being "Canyon Kayaking Danger Team." It was an all around witty, fun, action packed Christmas adventure.
April 27, 2011
I don't know why, maybe it's the imagery, or the complete bizarro overhaul of Santa Claus and CHristmas in general, but I think this is Carlton Mellick's best book. It is so damn funny I freaked out my three year old laughing out loud like a lunatic one night while reading it. She cried.
April 14, 2025
A fun story with some pretty absurd lines. Don't have much else to say about it, so read these passages instead:
"I never should have married a woman named Decapitron."
"We're here to save our kids, not kill a bunch of zombies to impress an elf with a Burt Reynolds mustache. I feel like we've really been growing apart ever since she died."
"For some reason, I find her pretty sexy now that I'm at this shrunken down height. She doesn't creep me out like she did at the North Pole. I don't feel so bad about being raped by her anymore."
"I never should have married a woman named Decapitron."
"We're here to save our kids, not kill a bunch of zombies to impress an elf with a Burt Reynolds mustache. I feel like we've really been growing apart ever since she died."
"For some reason, I find her pretty sexy now that I'm at this shrunken down height. She doesn't creep me out like she did at the North Pole. I don't feel so bad about being raped by her anymore."
December 19, 2020
Just like the jolly rotund man in a red suit every December 24th, you can always count on Carlton Mellick to deliver. The cover is out of control and the plot is even more ridiculous... but with all of Mellick's work, you can always expect EVEN more jaw-dropping moments and characters. But when I realized there was a bizarro Christmas story... I could not say no! Just what happens when Frosty steals Santa's sack? Is Christmas ruined?!
"Santa isn't the jolly old elf as portrayed in children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages." And don't worry... the book definitely explains how Santa came to be a lumpy sack of sausages.
Okay, so that we expect based on the synopsis. But who is this bondage and kinked up woman on the cover? Oh, that's just Decapitron... the wife to Fry and mother of his children (one who has chainsaw angel wings and another who has a fist-sized deformity growing out of her face that she wants to connect to a computer) who moonlights a couple times a year as an assassin-esque kickboxer who decapitates her victims and brings in ALL the money. She also has many kinks in her closet including different roleplaying. You will learn to love her, I promise. Even through the end when she turns INTO an actual Transformer and falls for Burt Reynolds Elf. Yep.
But the rest of the book is just as amazing if not more. It is full of killer snowmen and there is an evil Frosty that was created from sucking the hate out of Santa and filling up bathtubs of coffee-like liquid. He has his own minions of pain, the F.N.S.A. aka Frosty's Nazi Satany Army. And then there are all these lightning sea creatures and flaming husks?! A chain reaction of exploding reindeer? The book is also full of little elves... and apparently all elves are ginormous nymphos. Let's not forget the HYPERSEX PANTIES?!?!? And we also should not get started on the "cabbage skin suit" OR the culmination of a makeshift Jack-in-the-Box comprised of body parts all frozen together.
I can't make this stuff up! But Carlton Mellick sure as hell can... and he does it so wonderfully and hilariously in this story! A new holiday classic for the ages!
"Santa isn't the jolly old elf as portrayed in children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages." And don't worry... the book definitely explains how Santa came to be a lumpy sack of sausages.
Okay, so that we expect based on the synopsis. But who is this bondage and kinked up woman on the cover? Oh, that's just Decapitron... the wife to Fry and mother of his children (one who has chainsaw angel wings and another who has a fist-sized deformity growing out of her face that she wants to connect to a computer) who moonlights a couple times a year as an assassin-esque kickboxer who decapitates her victims and brings in ALL the money. She also has many kinks in her closet including different roleplaying. You will learn to love her, I promise. Even through the end when she turns INTO an actual Transformer and falls for Burt Reynolds Elf. Yep.
But the rest of the book is just as amazing if not more. It is full of killer snowmen and there is an evil Frosty that was created from sucking the hate out of Santa and filling up bathtubs of coffee-like liquid. He has his own minions of pain, the F.N.S.A. aka Frosty's Nazi Satany Army. And then there are all these lightning sea creatures and flaming husks?! A chain reaction of exploding reindeer? The book is also full of little elves... and apparently all elves are ginormous nymphos. Let's not forget the HYPERSEX PANTIES?!?!? And we also should not get started on the "cabbage skin suit" OR the culmination of a makeshift Jack-in-the-Box comprised of body parts all frozen together.
I can't make this stuff up! But Carlton Mellick sure as hell can... and he does it so wonderfully and hilariously in this story! A new holiday classic for the ages!
December 18, 2008
Kris Kringle was a tyrant who hated children and Jesus, so God punished him by making him Santa Claus -- an immortal doomed to spend eternity giving presents to children all over the world. He hated this so much that he kept attempting suicide but could not die. Finally he put his body through a meat grinder -- but he still could not die. The elves stuffed all his meat into sausage casings and assembled them into the shape of a man, with olives for eyes and walnuts for teeth.
Finally Kris decides he wants to expel all the hate from his mind, so the elves suck it out with vacuum tubes. The hate is like steaming black coffee that develops a mind of its own and the ability to possess the bodies of snowmen. It eventually turns into Frosty, the evil snowman. Frosty becomes the anti-Santa who worships Hitler and Satan and moves to the South Pole, where he builds a concentration camp for children.
Sly Guy Fry is married to a woman named Decapitron, whom he describes as "like a flesh-bag of nitroglycerin that's ready to explode at the drop of a hat." Her lifelong dream is to be an evil robot that can transform into different things. Decapitron and Fry have four children and every Christmas Eve, Decapitron has a birthday party for Jesus, then puts on a green latex suit with reindeer antlers and forces Fry to have kinky, Christmas-themed sex with her.
One Christmas Eve, the evil Frosty shows up at their house, freezes Decapitron and kidnaps two of the children. It's up to Fry, Sausagey Santa and all his elves to save Decapitron's life, travel to the South Pole and rescue the children.
This book is like a surreal nightmare -- but amazingly funny! I laughed from beginning to end! I recommend it to anyone who appreciates sheer twisted genius.
Finally Kris decides he wants to expel all the hate from his mind, so the elves suck it out with vacuum tubes. The hate is like steaming black coffee that develops a mind of its own and the ability to possess the bodies of snowmen. It eventually turns into Frosty, the evil snowman. Frosty becomes the anti-Santa who worships Hitler and Satan and moves to the South Pole, where he builds a concentration camp for children.
Sly Guy Fry is married to a woman named Decapitron, whom he describes as "like a flesh-bag of nitroglycerin that's ready to explode at the drop of a hat." Her lifelong dream is to be an evil robot that can transform into different things. Decapitron and Fry have four children and every Christmas Eve, Decapitron has a birthday party for Jesus, then puts on a green latex suit with reindeer antlers and forces Fry to have kinky, Christmas-themed sex with her.
One Christmas Eve, the evil Frosty shows up at their house, freezes Decapitron and kidnaps two of the children. It's up to Fry, Sausagey Santa and all his elves to save Decapitron's life, travel to the South Pole and rescue the children.
This book is like a surreal nightmare -- but amazingly funny! I laughed from beginning to end! I recommend it to anyone who appreciates sheer twisted genius.
December 1, 2019
I'd like to nominate this for great first lines of all time: "I never should have married a woman named Decapitron." Truer words are rarely spoken.
Maybe my favorite Mellick. Which is saying something. I haven't read ALL of him, although I've considered it as a reading project. But I've read and enjoyed a good portion.
It's the right length, for one. Maybe a 2-hour read, which is perfect for a dip into the bizarro world. It's got those elements of heart that Mellick does occasionally, and man is he good at them. The "it just works" factor probably has to do with its reinterpretation of Christmas mythology, which is weird and fun.
If you're looking for a gateway bizarro book, this is a great one. It might not be THE prototypical bizarro book, but I think it's one that eases readers into the sense of things.
Maybe my favorite Mellick. Which is saying something. I haven't read ALL of him, although I've considered it as a reading project. But I've read and enjoyed a good portion.
It's the right length, for one. Maybe a 2-hour read, which is perfect for a dip into the bizarro world. It's got those elements of heart that Mellick does occasionally, and man is he good at them. The "it just works" factor probably has to do with its reinterpretation of Christmas mythology, which is weird and fun.
If you're looking for a gateway bizarro book, this is a great one. It might not be THE prototypical bizarro book, but I think it's one that eases readers into the sense of things.
December 4, 2025
I don't know exactly why I could only read this book while in a bad mood and tired, well after midnight, except maybe that this weird, sleazy novelette really belongs in the dark.
Sausagey Santa, despite my initial expectations, isn't a horror book. Its part of the "bizarro" genre which I am pretty unfamiliar with. Just from this book, I'd say its the genre of complete, surreal subversion and refusal to treat anything with weight or seriousness. Its an anti-genre where anything goes, as long as its over the top.
This book specifically... im gonna be honest... im kind of at a loss. I cant tell if I liked it or not, if theres something to "get" from it or if its just supposed to be fun, if these are binary options that the book should even be considered under... I just have no idea.
If I speak directly to my own experience and try to not go beyond that, I'd say the book was fine. Nothing wowed me, and nothing bothered me. In fact, at points I even got bored, specifically when scenes of action occurred.
And of course, every time I opened this, and read some absurd prose, I immediately began reflecting on the series of choices I've made in my life to where reading stuff like this is how Im supposed to spend my time now.
I can say one thing definitely. This book is offensive. Extremely offensive. As I said above, NOTHING is taken seriously here, even really heavy topics. This didnt bother me, but I can imagine that others will not like this at all, so I figured I should clarify that.
When this freaking Christmas horror video is out, my thoughts will (hopefully) be more defined. Until then, here are some muddled, confused, 4 a. m. ramblings.
Sausagey Santa, despite my initial expectations, isn't a horror book. Its part of the "bizarro" genre which I am pretty unfamiliar with. Just from this book, I'd say its the genre of complete, surreal subversion and refusal to treat anything with weight or seriousness. Its an anti-genre where anything goes, as long as its over the top.
This book specifically... im gonna be honest... im kind of at a loss. I cant tell if I liked it or not, if theres something to "get" from it or if its just supposed to be fun, if these are binary options that the book should even be considered under... I just have no idea.
If I speak directly to my own experience and try to not go beyond that, I'd say the book was fine. Nothing wowed me, and nothing bothered me. In fact, at points I even got bored, specifically when scenes of action occurred.
And of course, every time I opened this, and read some absurd prose, I immediately began reflecting on the series of choices I've made in my life to where reading stuff like this is how Im supposed to spend my time now.
I can say one thing definitely. This book is offensive. Extremely offensive. As I said above, NOTHING is taken seriously here, even really heavy topics. This didnt bother me, but I can imagine that others will not like this at all, so I figured I should clarify that.
When this freaking Christmas horror video is out, my thoughts will (hopefully) be more defined. Until then, here are some muddled, confused, 4 a. m. ramblings.
December 15, 2008
Whenever you think you've seen/read it all, there is always Carlton Mellick III and the rest of his Bizarro Fiction ilk to take you everywhere you never knew you wanted to go. Put simply, Bizarro Fiction is Science Fiction for people "too cool" to ever admit that they like Science Fiction. Put a bit more esotericly, Bizarro Fiction is the novel equivalent of a Troma film written by a young Peter Jackson, produced by Roger Corman, and directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis.
A woman named Decapitron whose one wish in life is to be a giant, real-life Transformer, a child who wears angel wings made from chainsaw blades, a Santa Claus whose body is made of sausage casings and who uses magic marmalade to slide down chimneys, Satanic zombie Nazi snowmen, a North Pole populated with elves obsessed with 'Dungeons & Dragons' -- Mellick seems to have no problem stretching your imagination pass any limits it may have.
A great Holiday-time read for those sick of Capote and Sedaris.
A woman named Decapitron whose one wish in life is to be a giant, real-life Transformer, a child who wears angel wings made from chainsaw blades, a Santa Claus whose body is made of sausage casings and who uses magic marmalade to slide down chimneys, Satanic zombie Nazi snowmen, a North Pole populated with elves obsessed with 'Dungeons & Dragons' -- Mellick seems to have no problem stretching your imagination pass any limits it may have.
A great Holiday-time read for those sick of Capote and Sedaris.
December 31, 2015
Get out your marmalade and lube up for this heart warming tale. This is my second book by Mellick and it was love at first Haunted Vagina. However, I liked this more than Haunted Vagina, which is being passed around the office like the town crotch at the moment. There are just too many gems in this book to say what I love most but I think it's the bread. The meat was, well... sausagey. It's a rare person that can make rape remotely funny BUT where there are elves and high tech panties there is always a way. Back to the bread. The book started with an intro from the author which made me giddy and I think my heart grew two times. Then, THEN!... there was meat and I savored it, maybe got a grease stain or two. When I was totally satiated Mellick pulls out a few present worms (enough of these in a box gives you the perfect gift) and draws a comic that made my already enlarged heart sing. I've decided that I will reread this, memorize sausagey facts, repeat many of these to my two year old, and start insisting it's eggnog (with rum) and cookies NOT milk and cookies that Santa really needs. You know, so mommy gets an excuse to get sauced on Christmas Eve. I mean, not that I need one.
December 23, 2016
Quick read that was pretty fun, insane and utterly ridiculous, but I liked it. I'm waiting for the people dressed in white to bust down my door, shoot me with a tranquilizer and cart me off.
I only have four more Christmas Horror books to read this season, then I'll definitely need to ground myself in something more normal to read, whatever that is. I'm so glad I don't have young children, wow would I have some Christmas stories to read to them.
I only have four more Christmas Horror books to read this season, then I'll definitely need to ground myself in something more normal to read, whatever that is. I'm so glad I don't have young children, wow would I have some Christmas stories to read to them.
December 17, 2015
It's a bizarro Christmas tale. Mostly it made me question why there aren't more of them. For every single possible holiday, up to and including Arbor Day.
Basically a Santa made of meats takes on a Neo Nazi Frosty the Snowman with help from an average (in the bounds of bizarro) family. Highly recommended for all bizarro lovers, regardless of whether they like Christmas or not.
Basically a Santa made of meats takes on a Neo Nazi Frosty the Snowman with help from an average (in the bounds of bizarro) family. Highly recommended for all bizarro lovers, regardless of whether they like Christmas or not.
December 10, 2019
Wow...that was...well...yeah. Different. That was different.
Who knew Santa's body was really made of sausages?
Who knew Santa's body was really made of sausages?
December 15, 2015
Solid fun. Not as good as his other stuff, but this is hilarious =)
December 21, 2024
Frosty's Nazi Satanic Army, a near giantess with candy cane swords but also twins strapped to her back, Santa is a meat sack stuffed to the gills with jiggly sausage, and the elves prefer bionic panties and mayhem to candy and cookies. This is a wild ride, which I'm sure you could glean on this description alone. Madness, mayhem, sheer WTF moments abound. I won't go any further so l can avoid spoilers- but shiver me timbers, this was hilarious. I knocked one star off because despite how much I enjoy this author and his bizarro covers and books, I can't help but think they also sound like one gigantic ad lib lol.
April 16, 2020
This is definitely an alternative Christmas😂.A Sausagey Pirate Santa, Nazi Snowman, Zombies and horny elves with hyperspace pants all feature in this tale as Sly guy, Wife Decapitron and their dysfunctional kids are needed to help Santa defeat Frosty to save Christmas.
Crazy whacky escapism fun it is clever, action packed, sexual and entertaining just bizarre literature and what Mellick does best.
Crazy whacky escapism fun it is clever, action packed, sexual and entertaining just bizarre literature and what Mellick does best.
December 25, 2011
If there's one thing that you should take away from Sausagey Santa by Carlton Mellick III, it's probably that you should never marry a woman named Decapitron because she will annihilate you.
"Sly Guy" Matthew Fry is in such a predicament. He marries a dominatrix who calls herself Decapitron, who is also into ultimate fighting by night (you can guess what her signature move is just by her name). But now it's Christmas Eve, and their family is together to share in her Christmas traditions, which included the telling of the true story of Santa. You see, King Kringle was actually an evil man who hated children and the Baby Jesus, so after several acts in accordance with this hatred, he is cursed to live forever and spread joy to children on Christmas, which is a living Hell for him. He tries to kill himself several times, but he can't die, and the elves being master worksmen simply repair him. Finally, he thinks he's found a way out by jumping into a meat grinder. While the elves are perplexed for a couple of days, they finally just stuff Kringle's meat paste into sausage balloons, reassemble him into a reasonable human shape, and put him back to work. Over time, he learned to enjoy his task, and became known as Sausagey Santa, or Santa for short.
And that's just the beginning of the story. Things get a lot more complicated when Sly Fry learns the story is true. And Frosty is involved. And there's a kidnapping. And a cabbage suit. And zombies.
This novel was actually really awesome. I loved this take on the Santa story, and found myself laughing quite a few times, particularly at the way Santa talks like pirate (and laughs like one, as opposed to the traditional “Ho ho ho!”). Great action, great sense of humor, and great at turning conventions on their heads.
A complaint I typically have with a lot of Bizarro books is the ending. That is not the case with this story. The ending was perfect, not necessarily wrapped up nice and neat like a Christmas present, but still perfect for the tone of the story.
If I do have a complaint, it would be two things. The kids were...okay, but frankly felt a little off. Don't get me wrong, they fit well into the story, and yet it felt like they could use more development or have a couple of them removed altogether. The second is the villain. The only development or characterization we get is background info told by Santa and the elves. He doesn't have much of a character himself. The old saying goes that an audience will hate a good villain, but love a great one. But this one I was nearly indifferent to and simply had a presence to develop the heroes, and had no real character himself, which was disappointing giving how clever his concept is otherwise.
So break out the television cake, put on those chainsaw angel wings, and fry up some oysters. This one is a good, if only minorly flawed, ride.
Sausagey Santa by Carlton Mellick III earned 4 fried oysters out of 5.
"Sly Guy" Matthew Fry is in such a predicament. He marries a dominatrix who calls herself Decapitron, who is also into ultimate fighting by night (you can guess what her signature move is just by her name). But now it's Christmas Eve, and their family is together to share in her Christmas traditions, which included the telling of the true story of Santa. You see, King Kringle was actually an evil man who hated children and the Baby Jesus, so after several acts in accordance with this hatred, he is cursed to live forever and spread joy to children on Christmas, which is a living Hell for him. He tries to kill himself several times, but he can't die, and the elves being master worksmen simply repair him. Finally, he thinks he's found a way out by jumping into a meat grinder. While the elves are perplexed for a couple of days, they finally just stuff Kringle's meat paste into sausage balloons, reassemble him into a reasonable human shape, and put him back to work. Over time, he learned to enjoy his task, and became known as Sausagey Santa, or Santa for short.
And that's just the beginning of the story. Things get a lot more complicated when Sly Fry learns the story is true. And Frosty is involved. And there's a kidnapping. And a cabbage suit. And zombies.
This novel was actually really awesome. I loved this take on the Santa story, and found myself laughing quite a few times, particularly at the way Santa talks like pirate (and laughs like one, as opposed to the traditional “Ho ho ho!”). Great action, great sense of humor, and great at turning conventions on their heads.
A complaint I typically have with a lot of Bizarro books is the ending. That is not the case with this story. The ending was perfect, not necessarily wrapped up nice and neat like a Christmas present, but still perfect for the tone of the story.
If I do have a complaint, it would be two things. The kids were...okay, but frankly felt a little off. Don't get me wrong, they fit well into the story, and yet it felt like they could use more development or have a couple of them removed altogether. The second is the villain. The only development or characterization we get is background info told by Santa and the elves. He doesn't have much of a character himself. The old saying goes that an audience will hate a good villain, but love a great one. But this one I was nearly indifferent to and simply had a presence to develop the heroes, and had no real character himself, which was disappointing giving how clever his concept is otherwise.
So break out the television cake, put on those chainsaw angel wings, and fry up some oysters. This one is a good, if only minorly flawed, ride.
Sausagey Santa by Carlton Mellick III earned 4 fried oysters out of 5.
August 12, 2016
This is the second book I have read by Carlton Mellick III. I picked it up because it is a very quick read in between holiday season meals. The first CMIII book I read was Apeshit. This is completely different and gives me a better idea of what bizzaro fiction is all about. While Apeshit was an extreme horror story, it didn't stray very far from the genre in style. Carlton Mellick III serves up a feast of twisted and, yes, bizarre imagination with the most off the wall Christmas tale I have read so far (although I came across Santa Claus and the Elves of Fuck by Jordan Krall while exploring the genre in Amazon; I'll have to add it to my outer limits reading list :-). It also features the most unusual and possibly disturbing women's panties in the history of literature. If that's not enough to bait you, how about a female transformer wannabe named Decapitron and angel wings made from chainsaw blades. Curious yet? You should be.
October 25, 2024
Sordid tales for christmas. Had me cringe laughing all night.
December 9, 2015
April 2011 - Every time I pick up a CM3 book I have no idea what to expect...Every time I finish one, I am always amazed at the kinds of things that come out of this man's brain. I loved this book just like Ive loved all the rest. Fun randomness that never makes sense...Take the craziest stuff you can imagine and then top off with a hit of acid. I dont know how else to describe it! Great stuff Mr Mellick! :)
EDIT dec 2015 - now that I've read a lot more of CM3's stuff this is one of my least favourite ones. I still enjoyed it but it didn't have some of the really messed up stuff his newer/other works do.
EDIT dec 2015 - now that I've read a lot more of CM3's stuff this is one of my least favourite ones. I still enjoyed it but it didn't have some of the really messed up stuff his newer/other works do.
January 4, 2011
Sausagey Santa is the perfect book to snuggle up with around Christmas. It's jam packed with horny elves, a loveable sausage santa, and a nefarious hitler snowman.
If you're ever looking for a stocking stuffer this is it.
If you're ever looking for a stocking stuffer this is it.
June 11, 2012
A good retelling of the Santa story. Again, Mellick score on the characters he creates and tells it as though every other Santa movies that comes out is not worth watching. Fun, imaginative and still weird as hell.
December 22, 2008
Hyperspace panties!
Want to read
November 25, 2009Free Download from Eraserhead pub.
October 16, 2013
Simply the best Christmas tale in the history of literature! Everyone should be reading this to their kids during the holiday season.
March 18, 2025
4.5
Santa has green olives for eyes, walnuts for teeth, and smells a bit like Havarti. This book is unhinged and makes no sense in the best way. It checked all the boxes for holiday vibes for me.
Santa has green olives for eyes, walnuts for teeth, and smells a bit like Havarti. This book is unhinged and makes no sense in the best way. It checked all the boxes for holiday vibes for me.
December 17, 2021
🎄🎁 Book #9 for #Christmas2021 🎄🎁
"Sausagey Santa" by Carlton Mellick III
💥Proceed with caution in regards to this read as it is a bizzaro horror novel and NOT for the faint of heart💥
Sly Guy Matthew Fry should have known better than to marry a woman named Decapitron. But the truth is, if he didn't, she'd annihilate him. So, every Christmas he sucks it up and partakes in these stupid Christmas traditions. This year, Decapitron has decided to tell the tale of Sausagey Santa, which she says is the true story of Santa Claus. Now, he doesn't think this story is suitable at all for the children. Infact, it's a bit disturbing. But what is he supposed to do, tell her no? Of course not. She'd annihilate him.
I've been anxiously waiting to read this specifically for Christmas and while the story was fun and super bizarre, this one just didn't hit me the way Mellick's other books have. It was an interesting Santa tale though and quite unique as is all of Mellick's works. Also, how sweet is this cover art? 3.5 🌟
"Sausagey Santa" by Carlton Mellick III
💥Proceed with caution in regards to this read as it is a bizzaro horror novel and NOT for the faint of heart💥
Sly Guy Matthew Fry should have known better than to marry a woman named Decapitron. But the truth is, if he didn't, she'd annihilate him. So, every Christmas he sucks it up and partakes in these stupid Christmas traditions. This year, Decapitron has decided to tell the tale of Sausagey Santa, which she says is the true story of Santa Claus. Now, he doesn't think this story is suitable at all for the children. Infact, it's a bit disturbing. But what is he supposed to do, tell her no? Of course not. She'd annihilate him.
I've been anxiously waiting to read this specifically for Christmas and while the story was fun and super bizarre, this one just didn't hit me the way Mellick's other books have. It was an interesting Santa tale though and quite unique as is all of Mellick's works. Also, how sweet is this cover art? 3.5 🌟
April 13, 2019
I got sucked in on this one from the Goodread blurb that came as a recommendation. Definitely not my cup of peppermint tea. I guess I'm not the avant punk target audience. It reminded me too much of some of the writers I used to know in the writing classes and groups back in college - you know, the ones who wrote the out-there stuff going for shock effect, and then looked down their noses at the rest of us who couldn't make heads or tails out of what they were trying to say. The ones who were trying too hard to be "artistic." I'm more the old-fashioned storyteller type of reader. Instead of leaving me wanting more, this book left me wanting a brain scrubber or a way to get back the couple of hours I spent reading it.
March 1, 2022
This was an interesting read, although it took me longer than it should have to read it. The idea is that Santa used to be suicidally depressed, and through the work of the elves, eventually turned into a sausagey Santa, complete with an archnemesis, Frosty the Nazi Snowman.
Complete with coffee birds and zombie snowmen, this novella was definitely a delight!
Complete with coffee birds and zombie snowmen, this novella was definitely a delight!
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