Grace in the Gray: A More Loving Way to Disagree

by Mike Donehey

By approaching disagreements in a more loving way and seeing the grace and good in those who hold differing viewpoints, you'll gain a deeper understanding of others, yourself, and God—from the bestselling author of Finding God's Life for My Will .
 
“Written with just the right amount of humor, reflection, and heart, Grace in the Gray shows us how to focus on the people we may disagree with more than focusing on the issue at hand.”—Mac Powell, Grammy Award–winning singer and songwriter

In a culture where constant offense and polarization dominate so many interactions, here is good news about a more productive way to God desires for us to become better at loving others . . . not better at debating. 

Grace in the Gray helps us see the grace and good that’s often hidden by our own limited perspectives and assumptions. Through a collection of personal stories and biblical insights, Mike Donehey reveals a four-stage process to help you

1. subjectify those you’ve objectified
2. empathize with those you’ve vilified
3. humanize those you’ve deified
4. see why your posture is as essential as your position

In relationships, professional settings, and social situations, discover how to focus on the person standing before you more than the argument set against you. Doing so gives you the rare ability to face any conflict with better questions, kindness, and the calming posture of curiosity.

It all begins by learning to listen and lead with the most transformative substance the universe has ever known . . . God’s love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Christian Living, Audiobook, Religion, Leadership, Faith

240 pages, Paperback

Published January 17, 2023

Reviews

[Allison Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

Donehey gives practical steps to living in love with people we have disagreements or differences with.

[Emmy Schuurmans · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once again, Mike Donehey shares his wisdom with humble humor. In a society where there always seems to be a point to disagree on, this book highlights the importance of reflecting on yourself rather than your opponent. Finding grace and peace in admitting “I could be wrong”. Strongly recommend!

[Amanda Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We all face confrontation. We do NOT all face confrontation well. Some of us even go out of our way to create confrontation. This book reads like a faith-based guide to confrontation. How to have healthy confrontation, when to start that confrontational conversation, and when to avoid confrontation all together.
I like this book so much because it is a wonderful mix of Biblical truth and raw personal life details. Donehey shares so many personal stories throughout this book to better demonstrate Biblical truth in daily life. I especially loved the many references to music and band life within this book.

This book does contain a lot of wonderful advice and truth, but what really spoke to me is that my argument needs to come from a place of God's love for the person I'm arguing with. I need to not focus on "winning" but to focus on loving the person I disagree with in a way that is pleasing to God.

While I have shared what spoke to me, there's plenty of truth in this book to find. I highly suggest picking it up and reading it. Even if you think you're the nonconfrontational type, this book is for you. It truly has something in it for everyone, even if what speaks most to you isn't what spoke most to me.

I'm happy to have received this book for free from NetGalley in exchange for this honest review.

[Cameron Schroeder · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book I think many Christians could benefit from digesting-- myself included. WELSers especially, perhaps... :)

[Joan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Donehey is a musician. He shares lessons he has learned from collaborating and critiquing. He gives plenty of personal examples to illustrate his teaching. His personal stories are many and long. I have to admit I skimmed through some of them to get to the point. He has a good sense of humor as the exploding blender story testifies. The book is more in the light hearted sense rather than rigorous teaching and may well appeal to younger readers rather than older ones used to more straight forward instruction.

Topics covered include forgiveness, unconditional love, parenting, who the real enemies are (spiritual), how we need to get along with those unlike us, prayer, social media (going from anger to curiosity to compassion), the gift of emotions and more.

I liked his example of the disciples. Matthew was a tax collector. Simon the Zealot was one who would have considered Matthew a traitor and would have wanted to kill him. Yet, following Jesus, they got along for a greater purpose. Another interesting teaching was Donehey saying that how we talk to God in prayer affects the way we talk to other people. I think his chapter on deconstruction was the best one, reminding us of kindness, wisdom, not being quarrelsome, and having deep knowledge.

Donehey does not touch on specific nor controversial issues hotly debated today. Like the farmer who said to leave the weeds until the harvest, we are encouraged to worry less and believe in God more. God is not freaking out and we shouldn't either. As Donehey says himself, this book “isn't about changing your mind about certain things. It's about reconsidering the posture we take when speaking with one another on those things.” (2807/3147)

This is a good book for those desiring to learn how to disagree better.

I received a complimentary egalley of this book from the publisher. My comments are an independent and honest review.

[Jessica Haines · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I have read this book slowly, taking time to soak in the hard but wonderful truths in about humility and where we can meet people we disagree with. Easy read, but lots to think about with application and looking yourself in the mirror at who you really are (spolier, we aren't perfect!). Highly recommend, well written!

[RenegadeReader]

This book was so good. I loved it. Mike delves into a lot of situations and dilemmas we find ourselves in. I appreciate the angle of being willing to say we are wrong or to hold space and not demand that we are right. He gives challenge to a lot of areas that need to be thought about and reminded of what Jesus did and how He acted. Mike provides a lot of anecdotes that are funny and I appreciate that he narrates the audiobook and does silly voices. This book was very good and I bought my own copy to underline and have because I think it gives manny good points and shows how to lovingly disagree.

[Kristi Ray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes relationships are just hard. Because of hurt and abuse from past conflict, we find our safe place and avoid those people or groups of people who make us feel uncomfortable about our position. But, love is not about winning the argument. It’s about winning souls for Jesus. It’s about listening, caring, understanding. Good tips in this book about how to have healthy conversations in our digitized culture. Written in a conversational style with fun personal stories. Let your conversations be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer each person.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mr. Donehey has done a wonderful job exploring the topic of loving disagreement. In a highly polarized world, unity often feels like a pipe dream, but he says that it's worth fighting for nonetheless. Having read John 17 myself, I'd say he's in line with Jesus on that point.

Through personal anecdotes, humor, and clear teaching, Mike draws the reader close and challenges us to hold our opinions and stances more loosely in the name of a better way for loving others -- even those we disagree with. To be clear, he does not promote being wishy washy or not having beliefs or opinions, rather he points out that "[God is] more interested in cultivating great lovers than He is great debaters."

Clearly throughout the text, Mike shows what a people first mentality looks like and demonstrates cultivating the same in ourselves. This is a refreshing read in a world that seems to constantly be pointing fingers toward "the other side," whatever side that might be. Mike spends the entire book pointing us inward or pointing directly at himself and his journey to learning how to love people well in "the gray spaces." He says, "If God changes people through kindness, why do I think I can do so differently?" I've rarely felt more lovingly convicted and hopeful that there is a path forward toward unity.

Overall, Grace in the Gray was an easy read full of practical and loving, correction and direction toward being more like Jesus in our interactions with people in our lives that we disagree with. It truly made me look at areas of my life differently. I hope you'll give it a read. Oh and feel free to disagree with my review. I'll still love you.

[Michaela Bush · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I give this a solid 3.5/5 rating. Donehey has a great purpose going in this novel: that we need to fix our eyes on God and the Bible as opposed to what our personal opinions are. (See also, the difference between personal opinions/convictions and biblical commands.) While I didn't agree with everything he said, that disagreement actually made me sit down and think about WHY I didn't, whether I had any biblical basis to do so, and I think that's the deeper purpose of this book when it comes down to it. Donehey quickly calls out the spirit-killing "tradition" and pride that often accompany these things. The book really started out on fire, and I was thrilled to have picked up a copy, I was taking notes left and right, I was being convicted...and then it kind of petered out. Maybe it was just me personally, but it felt like he was just touching the surface of some topics when I wished he would dig deeper. Other topics, I wish he had approached with the same energy as he did in the beginning. However, when you come down to it, it's a good book and it's very heartfelt in its core, and I do recommend it.

**I read a review copy in order to share my opinions. The opinions expressed above are my own**

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF. I made it through almost 30% and just couldn't make myself pick it up again. The summary sounded like it was going to teach, but it reads more like a slightly disjointed memoir with some takeaways. Maybe it improves after this and I just didn't hang in long enough, but the book simply wasn't working for me. A couple things felt not quite right, but I was hoping to overlook them for a bigger picture. But it just wasn't coming. If I find myself able to pick it up again and it improves, I'll edit my review accordingly. But for now, in the words of my best friend, life is too short to read bad books. I have other NetGalley books to check out instead.

[Stephanie Mckeever · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can’t tell you how much this book is hitting me between the eyes 👀 & more importantly— my heart. I may think I’m being graceful with my words, but in my heart I’m usually having it out, fighting a fight that I want to win. That’s still not grace 😬. This book has such a reminder to me to listen with my ears and also my heart, not by telling and shouting, but with gentle stories of Mike's own life.
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You can pre-order this book now where all the books are sold and get your copy if you are like me and need your love to be put in check with God’s heart, even if it’s in your mind.
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*Book received as an ARC in exchange for my review*

[Jennie Webb · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was different than I thought it was going to be. One thing for sure, it definitely makes you think! I don't agree with everything the author says, but do agree with a lot of what he says, including the main premise of the book, which is that there should be a more loving way to disagree. He gives a lot of good advice and tips on how to do this. A good book for many Christians to read, as most of us could do some growing in this area, myself included!!
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advance e-copy of this book. The opinions expressed are entirely my own.

[Sarah Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite possibly the best nonfiction book I have read this year. Delivered eloquently and graciously, with a good sense of humor, I think most Christians could learn a lot from this book. Lots of favorite quotes:

Our desire to be understood must not overshadow our need to understand others. (P. 5)

When grace is our baseline, being disapproved of no longer feels like being disowned. (P. 11)

Maybe healthy relationships with God and people are built not on reluctant compliance but on a mutual trust that makes space for us to vent and work through it all. (P. 12)

…it would do us a world of good if we stopped expecting everyone to be good to us all the time. If Jesus really came into the world to save sinners, then I need to stop being flabbergasted when I run into some. (P. 44)

Fear has a way of making enemies of us all. When the grace of the gray begins to fade, it’s hard to remember that people are not the enemy. (P. 50)

If we find ourselves constantly thinking everyone else is the fool, then we’ll quickly find that we will never be able to have a conversation with anyone. To put it plainly, when we refuse to hear critique in any form, it shuts down discourse. When that happens, we become caged in our own echo chambers, and as a result, the ensuing isolation is of our own making. (P. 73)

Maybe these questions [in Ecclesiastes] are a gift from God to remind us that even the greatest wisdom begins with the admittance “I could be wrong.” (P. 95)

Many people screen the source of the statement more than the statement itself because they don’t believe others are able to search for the truth themselves. (P. 96)

We tend to separate who speaks what we believe and who doesn’t, instead of listening to everyone and taking it to Jesus. To some, certain teachers are spiritual heroes who should be venerated; to other groups within the church, those are the people who must be properly labeled “dangerous.”(P. 97)

In the times I think I should hold the line, I usually find what my kids need is to have me absorb the tantrums that cross over the line. It can feel like I’m not being the authority they need. […But] it’s about cultivating spaces of listening and Grace. (P. 117)

The more unfiltered and the more expectant we get when we talk to God, the more we will start to expect to find Him in others. […] Some of us are a far cry from expecting to hear from God through others because we’re still too entirely filtered by our own thoughts. (P. 129)

Many of us grew up bottling and monitoring the words and attitudes we brought to God. We learned to ramp down our rage, and as a result, that rage comes out on others. We pounce on any misspeak we hear around us. It’s like all our disappointment and desire have to come out somewhere. (P. 134)

Do you realize that you and I probably see more information in the first fifteen minutes of our day than our grandparents ingested in a month’s time? (P. 142)

When it comes to faith, it amazes me how much disagreement is a difference not of belief but of interpretation. Within a lot of church circles, if you have an argument about certain doctrinal tenets, many will quickly condemn you, saying things like “You don’t believe the Bible!” In reality, the rub ought to be stated this way: “You don’t believe in the same interpretation of that scripture as I do.” Notice the disparity. We tend to grossly distort our incongruities when it comes to the Bible. (P. 169)

Relationships are built by our committing to each other, not by coming to the same conclusions. I love this reevaluation. We must resist writing off anyone. We can be radically different but still radically committed. (P. 189)

Sometimes our fear of association can keep us from seeing the neighbors right in front of us. (P. 196)

I would rather be known for who I am than loved for who I’m not. (P. 207)

[AJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a refreshing & challenging perspective, and I couldn’t recommend it more.

In a world that is THRIVING on division, as believers especially, how can we navigate the world, lost people, saved people we disagree with, and have grace in the gray? Not sacrificing Scripture or believing there aren’t things that are black & white. Not even compromising our convictions… but instead of seeking excuses for why we get to stop loving someone & can write them off now based on disagreement… how do we see each individual as a human, made in the image of God, in desperate need of Jesus, struggling to find their way & find what’s true?

One of the most convicting question of this book was: Who is the Samaritan that, in your mind, could never be good? When Jesus told the story of the Good Samaritan, it wasn’t to tout a Samaritan as awesome, but rather to make the hero of the story a person that everyone in that crowd viewed as unredeemable. So who’s unredeemable to you? Who’s too far gone? Who’s outsinned the grace of God in your mind? What tax collector are we unwilling to sit with? What Pharisee or religious leader have we written off?

Do we truly believe that wounds from a friend can be trusted? And have we invited anyone into that vulnerable space? Do we look for ways to WIN or do we look for ways to LEARN? Grow? And be edified ourselves?

Man. So so good. Challenged me in ways I didn’t expect. If you’re looking for a book to read, a place for your posture & perspective, rather than your opinion, to be challenged, enjoy. And let me know what you think!

[Meagan | The Chapter House · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Donehey's book Finding God's Life for My Will: His Presence Is the Plan a while back, so was excited to see this come up!

It's a really thought-provoking read, and some of the examples made me literally LOL. While I didn't agree with everything, it definitely made me stop and think about why--which I think was one of its main points. I frankly wish folks would read and learn from it just because the art of civil discourse seems to be a dying one; as Donehey notes, social media (for example) gives many people a platform they might not have otherwise ... which is great when used wisely, but how often does that actually happen? LOL! We all say things on social media we would never say in person (or at least in the same manner), and Donehey speaks from experience on how to do so well (or not). :D I appreciated his vulnerability and willingness to share the good and the bad he's experienced.

3.5 stars, rounded up to 4.

I received an eARC of the book from the publisher via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once in awhile, you’ll read a book that does such a number on your heart that it changes the course of your life. This is that book for me. Mike writes about how to more lovingly disagree with one another, and boy if that’s not a tutorial we all desperately need in this day and age, myself especially. How do we lean in when it feels like the person we’re fighting isn’t listening to our point of view at all? How do we continue to care for loved ones who have diametrically opposed views to our own? Can such relationships even survive, let alone thrive? How can we get over our own sense of “I’m always right and couldn’t possibly be wrong” long enough to see the human being on the other side of the conversation? Mike makes a compelling case for it being possible, if we’re willing to listen to the wisdom of Jesus on the matter, all with comedic takes and great humility. Read this. You won’t regret it.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will admit that I love a good debate whether that be of a trivial matter or a religious one. However, my reason is not to prove to others that I am right but I just love to hear different people perception. I have been accused of always trying to be proven right but in reality that is not the case. Reading this book made me question my intentions with disagreeing with people. Is it coming from a loving place or is it coming from a place of resentment? Mike addresses this topic of disagreement with ease, clarity and some humor.

Huge fan of Mike, he has been a huge influence on my faith and this book really shined light on a lot of things that I was unfamiliar with.

Amazing book from start to finish.

[Brandon Rathbun · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mike is good with words. His songs are proof of that. His lyrics are thoughtful and poetic.
Sometimes though, his words get too wordy, and that’s the case of this book.
Many words in this book are strikingly beautiful and captivating…but yet I found myself wishing he would conclude after he made his point.
That’s probably my biggest qualm.
On the bright side, which there are many: Mike calls his reader to something deeper, something beautiful..to disagree well, to find grace in the gray.
I believe this book will be helpful for many and it has challenged me to think deeper on many topics.
A quick, easy, yet thoughtful read.

[Anna Catherman · Rating 5 out of 5]

All. The. Stars.
I've long enjoyed Tenth Avenue North's music and Mike Donehey's writing, but this one blew it away for me. Grace in the Gray focuses on the mystery of disagreements within Christian circles. The beauty of this book, I think, is that it focuses more on the reasons we get upset over disagreements and how to combat them rather than specific issues, stances, or theological truths. Donehey strips down the Christian faith to the Apostle's Creed, and makes a compelling case for why we should speak to others - both within and outside the church - with curiosity rather than judgement or criticism.

[Tressa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mike is someone I trust deeply to speak truth and to do it with all kindness and gentleness. I appreciate the timeliness of this book as there is so much that divides us, while Jesus calls his followers to be people who love others unconditionally, just as he has loved us. Highly recommend for anyone willing to do the hard work of seeking unity, starting with asking hard questions of yourself and submitting to the way that Jesus called his followers to: seeing people with compassion and engaging with them in a graceful way.

[Sherilee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read. It gave me much to think about. Ways to interact with my fellow Christians, fellow neighbors, and the world at large. The premise of the book was a great idea. Unfortunately the execution of the book turned into a lot of personal stories and what the author interpreted meaning out of his personal story. I would have really liked to see more scripture to help with learning and conviction, because I think there is a lot in the bible to back up his ideas. But unfortunately his book was a little too played down for my liking.

[Sarah E.]

Mike presents a lot of good food for thought in a more loving way to disagree. I highlighted quite a bit in just about every chapter of my e-book copy. How to deal with criticism: “Don’t accept criticism from someone you wouldn’t seek advice from.” “If you keep resisting mercy for yourself, be assured you won’t have any left for anyone else.” “Our desire to be heard must not overpower our need to hear what others are saying. Our desire to be understood must not overshadow our need to understand others.
I received a free ARC of this book in exchange for my honest, unbiased review.

[Kyle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The flavour of this read is casual, relaxed, personal, and poetic. If you are looking for that, and you have not explored this topic much before, this is probably a great journey for you. If (like me), you have some understanding of nuances within faith and discourse, then this read will still be enjoyable, but will likely not change your world.

The last few chapters were my favourite, if more of the book was like that I’d rate it 4 stars.

Love Tenth Avenue, love Mike’s YouTube mini sermons/chats. Will continue to follow his content.

[Josh Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t quite express how freeing, challenging, encouraging, and useful this book is. I will undoubtedly return to it again and again. Donehey conveys the message that it is possible to love everyone, even those we disagree with, in a way that is not only accessible but unavoidably applicable. I am grateful to have read this book and would recommend it to anyone.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book (listened). The message on how to disagree is one more of us should hear and apply. This one will get a relisten, but definitely made me think. Portions in prayer went straight to my heart.

Narration is great if you are an audiobook listener. Mike telling his story was engaging & entertaining.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I firmly believe it isn’t my calling to steward the morality of humankind. I’m simply called to make disciples…I’m not called to judge the world in the here and now; I’m called to love the world. I’m not even called to change the world-that’s the Holy Spirit’s job. I’m to simply introduce people to Jesus and let him do the rest”. ~Mike Donehey

[Millie Giannico · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mike encourages you to think about how you disagree. Do you always have to be right, do you only find yourself surrounded by like minded people? Grace in the Gray is about learning how to disagree in way that is Christlike and just maybe learning from someone with different viewpoints! Highly recommend!

[Ryan Harp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book. With some churches worshipping “exactness,” this was a great story of how we can leave room for doubt, embrace differences, err towards inclusion, etc. So many good examples of how we can love people by putting in effort to better understand them and value them as they are, and great biblical examples to show how Jesus lays the blueprint for us.

[Desiree · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grace in the Gray explores concepts, like kindness, forgiveness, and humility, that everyone should ponder and attempt to apply to their lives. The book's style is rather rambling, which he freely admits, and how this affects the reader's experience will depend on personal preference. I would have appreciated something more cohesive, but even so, the book encouraged me.