Holden, After and Before: Love Letter for a Son Lost to Overdose

by Tara McGuire

is a moving meditation on a stunning book that traces Tara McGuire’s excavation and documentation of the life path of her son Holden, a graffiti artist who died of an accidental opioid overdose at the age of twenty-one. Beginning with Holden’s death and leaping through time and space, McGuire employs fact, investigation, memory, fantasy, and even fabrication in her search for understanding not only of her son’s tragic death, but also his beautiful life. She navigates and writes across the many blank spaces to form a story of discovery and humanity, examining themes of grief, pain, mental illness, trauma, creative expression, identity, and deep, unending love inside just one of the thousands of deaths that have occurred as a result of the opioid crisis.  With poignant honesty and a heart laid bare, Holden After and Before is a beautiful and moving elegy to a son lost to overdose.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Canada, Book Club

356 pages, Paperback

Published October 11, 2022

Reviews

[Mizuki Giffin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to an ALC (advanced listening copy) of Holden, After and Before. What a beautiful and moving book made especially powerful by Tara McGuire's narration. As a radio broadcaster, McGuire's voice was gentle and easy to listen to, even when the subject matter was not.

In this memoir, McGuire pieces together fragments and memories to paint a portrait of her son's life, who tragically passed away from a drug and alcohol overdose in July 2015. He was only 21. Her writing is compassionate and curious; she spends long sections writing from Holden's POV, trying to imagine the days and weeks leading up to his death.

This book also explores a mother's unimaginable grief -- she tears apart moments from her son's childhood trying to locate the source of his pain, and follows threads that may reveal more about her son and who he was. This story is not told chronologically, nor is it organized in clear sections. We jump back and forth, chasing moments separated by time and space, drawn together only by McGuire's tireless excavating of past and memory and truth. I think this timelessness and disarray really reflects the experience of grief itself, in all its illogical desperation.

I went to university in Vancouver and spent much of that time living in East Van. The first library I worked at sat right on East Hastings. For that reason, I could visualize, so clearly, each street and hotel and bridge Tara mentions. Based on the title, I thought there would be a clear distinction between Holden before his struggles with addiction versus after; that the introduction of substance abuse fundamentally divides someone into a 'before' and 'after.' What this book showed me was that the line between 'after' and 'before' is much blurrier -- that you may never truly be able to tell when someone is suffering with addiction, or the depth to which they are. This book humanizes addiction in a world which often relegates the discussion into a political issue and speaks of the people suffering as a statistic; it allowed me, as a reader, to catch a glimpse into all the circumstances that might lead to trying heroine, their deep desire to stop, and the strong pull that sucks them back against all reasoning. Holden was a boy, someone I could've gone to high school with, who had an alarm set for work the next morning, who never woke up. The depth to which that rocks me is hard to articulate.

I didn't mean for this to get so long! This is certainly not a light read, and it took me a while to get through for that reason. I am so glad to have read it though, and am grateful to Tara McGuire for her vulnerability and honesty.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

We can never be sure of the pain hiding behind someone’s eyes.

How did the book make me feel/think?

holden: after & before, is an astonishingly beautiful read in the face of immeasurable suffering. The unfathomable loss of a child.

This book is beyond words. Everyone must read it to become kinder. In the first few chapters, I read what might be the most beautiful paragraph I've ever read. The paragraph ends in unbearable silence.

McGuire's phraseology overflows with unwavering love. While McGuire desperately cobbles her life together, her prose sings, bringing everything gloriously to life; the morning sun, a crow... tomorrow.

I read another page; I’m shaking, crying.

Roadmaps to unconditional; are vacant and nonexistent.

Everyone on this spinning rock needs to read this — McGuire's honesty in pain makes the world a better place.

Pain drips from a stranger's glossy eyes as I stroll down the street. I resist judgment. I don't know where he's been or where he's going.

As much as Holden's story is devastatingly heart-wrenching, if Tara hadn't found the unflinching courage to share, Holden's life would have become nothing more than another tragic story.

Holden is infinitely more. I'm glad I got to know him through Tara's never-ending love.

In holden: after & before, Holden comes to two doors; he makes his choice -- maybe the choice he was destined to make. We all think we can control what we don't understand. We suffer the unrelenting pain of what if…?

I feel for those cradled in Holden's loss. Holden's pain is gone. Not before he left us with the gift of a beautiful spirit. Letting us know life is complicated. Love never dies. Holden's unwavering energy, coupled with Tara's spectacular writing, helps Holden live on -- teaching valuable lessons along the way.

I'm different now; I see the world through a softer filter. ​

​WRITTEN: 13 October 2022

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s hard to put a rating on a book like this as it’s not a book to be enjoyed. I think it would be a good choice for Canada Reads theme of “one book to shift your perspective”.

We never know the stories of the people we see on the streets.

I had a hard time connecting with the author and kept thinking about her daughter who lost her brother but also her mother as Tara searched for answers. But everyone grieves in their own way. I wonder if the author has found any peace?

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

|| HOLDEN AFTER AND BEFORE ||
•
'Time may move in only one direction, one fine, uninterrupted line, but memory is fluid; it follows no rules, and it can be cruel. Pg.44
•
'I've read that the root of addiction is not the hook in the drug, it is the unwillingness to be present in the painful part of our lives. That the opioid crisis is an epidemic of despair. I remember asking Holden one winter evening, when he was about 19 and had come home wet, hungry, and smelling of booze, why he drank so much. He stared at the table for a moment, then looked into my eyes and said, To deal with being me, Mom.' Pg.220
•
'I believe Holden would have held on to a certain optimism as he sat on that white plastic chair watching the downtown Skyline approach. He may have heard a voice that said, one more time won't hurt you. Just one more time and that's it.' pg.344
•
'I am not ashamed of my son. I am ashamed that I didn't know what to do or how to help him. That I didn't fully see or understand him and what his struggles were really about. I am ashamed that he couldn't tell me he was in trouble with his mental health.' Pg.374
✍🏻
I can remember every single book that has made me cry. It usually only occurs once in the course of the book but HOLDEN AFTER AND BEFORE, I'm mean I'm getting teary just trying to write this. Gutted, it absolutely gutted me. Maybe its the mother in me that gets so emotional, the loss of a child would be unbearable. McGuire's book reads like an investigative diary of sorts. It's heartbreaking yet a beautiful portrait of maternal grief, motherhood, trauma, identity, mental illness, artistry, and above all love. The opioid epidemic is huge, and eventually everyone will know someone it affects. Myself included. McGuire's writing is at once compelling, deeply honest and moving. This book is so many things but it's special because it shows the reader of the person behind the addition, his life and the love he had. I'm so happy this book exists and I got to read about Holden. This is one of those books that will change the way you view the world.
♡
Gifted from the publisher, opinions are my own.

For more of my book content check out instagram.com/bookalong

[Bonnie]

For her grief, there can be no measure; for her writing, 5

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

With a journalistic curiosity and a mother’s love, Tara McGuire lays bare, and in some portions imagines, her son Holden’s young life and untimely death. I haven’t read anything quite like this before. At times it felt uncomfortably voyeuristic, but always visceral and poignant.

[Maggie (Magsisreadingagain) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holden, After and Before by Tara McGuire is truly a love letter from a grieving mother to her son. Holden McGuire died of an accidental opioid overdose, leaving behind questions and heartbreak for his family, especially his mother. McGuire has brought the realities of the opioid crisis to life, giving the news headlines a face and a story. This book is a must-read for those interested in the lives behind the heartbreaking statistics and oozes with McGuire's love for her son and her family.

Many thanks to ZG Stories and Arsenal Pulp Press for the gifted finished copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Josiah Coolen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to read this as part of my addictions med reading elective to better understand what substance use looks like to ppl who are using and their friends/families/etc. The book was a memoir written by someone whose son died from overdose. The author (his mother) is super vulnerable and has a lot of powerful reflections about what loving someone who uses substances looks like (and might have looked had she known he was using opioids before he had died). The author writes abt conversations she has had since with other ppl who knew her son, many who currently use/have previously used drugs. The discussions help us to understand reasons why ppl might choose to use substances and also highlight what a kind, thoughtful, loyal, vibrant, talented person her son was and what a beautiful legacy he left - as an artist, musician, friend, etc. So different from the stigmatizing view that society so often projects onto ppl who use substances.

I did sometimes find it a little tricky to differentiate between which parts of the book were facts vs. the author's imagination. In the afterword, she describes these pieces of the story as informed fiction based on emotional truth and I like that idea

[Fawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took such courage to write. The courage to to research an adult child’s life and to look within. And then to share it for all of us to witness. It’s so important for all of us to read - to better understand people with lived experience with substance use, reduce stigma, witness an unbearable loss and learn how to be empathetic. The author’s research must have been so incredibly difficult, I can’t even imagine. But to leave no stone unturned or conversation unheard is incredible, especially with loss.

I found myself time and time again thinking about how difficult this must have been to research and write. I wish the author didn’t need to, but sure am grateful that she did.

[Anne Farrer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tough but extremely worthwhile read. Can't imagine the pain of losing your child. And then can't imagine writing a book about it. It must have been excruciating.

[Nikki Basten · Rating 5 out of 5]

To lose your son, and then have the strength to research to try and understand the path he took, feelings he experienced , choices he made, so you could share his story to help others must have beyond hard on the heart. My heart most definitely goes out to Tara and I appreciate her bringing this amount of transparency to this growing epidemic.

[Marie-Claude Arnott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book like no other I have read, despite the all-too-common subject of mental illness and drug overdose. Only a memoir could extract such soul-searching, gut-felt emotions. Yet Holden, After and Before by Tara McGuire combines fantasy, investigation, meditation, and more, revealing the struggle of the author as she tries to imagine what was going on in Holden’s mind, her 21-year-old son, who died despite his fight to escape the grip of addiction.
I began reading as a writer, enjoying McGuire’s writing style and the book’s creative structure. As a reader, the story then took me on the same convoluted journey as the author’s search for understanding. As a mother, I felt her natural need for atonement.
I didn't expect to gain a new understanding of graffiti: McGuire shows that graffiti was Holden’s way of exteriorizing his incomprehensible pain. Although tagging looks messy to the uninitiated and is a criminal act, it's an outlet for lost souls who become gifted yet marginal artists. Yes, graffiti is more than defacement, besides humanizing seedy or otherwise deserted places. 
The author describes the parking lot in East Vancouver, where the Holden Courage [Holden’s last name] Graffiti Jam covers a 20-metre concrete wall. Holden’s closest friends created a background with reproductions of all Holden’s graffiti. This memorial won’t be there forever, but meanwhile, it is a reminder that mental distress needs, if not our tolerance, at least our understanding.
The author refers to the parking lot in East Vancouver, where the Holden Courage [Holden’s last name] Graffiti Jam covers a 20-metre concrete wall. Holden’s closest friends created a background with reproductions of all Holden’s graffiti. This memorial won’t be there forever, but meanwhile, this reminded me that mental distress needs, if not our tolerance, at least our understanding. It always pains me to see young, homeless drug addicts, but there is some selfish comfort in knowing that even the most willing mothers can't reach their children’s darkness. Holden knew his mother’s love, yet the pain wouldn’t let itself be soothed.
Page 167 resonated with me. McGuire’s journey leads her to accept the concept of reincarnation as a means for education. Having recently lost a son (to cancer), and although McGuire’s journey is different from mine, it validated the thought that we are ‘here’ to keep learning through life’s challenges until our souls will, in some other dimension, be whole, at last.
This book is more than a mother’s 'extra-ordinary' memoir; it enriches the collective testimonials about mental illness.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn’t my typical read, but I felt called to read it due to the increased opioid overdoses in our country and personally in my own community. Tara McGuire is an amazing writer - able to make you feel her own heartbreak, concern, joy and frustration. The story is mainly about her experience as a mother whose son overdoses, but also has a perspective from what she believes might be how her son felt. Some of the perspective from Holden weren’t my favorite, the ones she probably fabricated, but the memories seemingly gleaned from friends or texts really spoke to the hurt Holden felt every day. I would say this could be a read for teens too. I’m not sure everyone really understands that even using a drug one time can lead to death. Increased deaths due to Fentanyl show us the danger is real. I have no doubt this novel will open someone’s eyes to how important it is to have honest conversations with friends and loved ones that might be struggling and hopefully save a life. Thanks Tara for sharing your experience so that others can learn from Holden’s too short life.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh this book! IT tore at my heart, and ripped it all up.
If you are a mother, as I am, one of your greatest fears may be that something awful could happen to your child/children. That they could die is the biggest fear. it's not supposed to happen, they have years to live. And yet it does, every day, for so many parents, around the world.
I can relate to Tara, mother of Holden, as she searches for what led her son to his death. Could she have done something to prevent it? Where was he before his last moments, who was he with, how was he feeling? So many questions running through the mind...I'm not sure that any answers can bring peace, but I understand not wanting to stop that search because then it means all of Holden is really gone. I don't know how one goes on after losing a child. I mean, I do, but it seems unimaginable.
I hope when Tara thinks of her son, she remembers all the good things, the great moments, the love they shared, and finds moments to let the pain rest for a time...

[Lindalou · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautifully written, poignant book: a "...moving elegy to a son lost to overdose." When I told people about it as I was reading it, they would all grimace and ask why would I read such a book? My reasons are myriad and personal, but the author helps to articulate it for me in her afterword:
"Because not talking perpetuates the suffering. More of the same silence that causes substance users to feel ashamed, judged, and isolated will not protect anyone, nor change anything, nor prevent any more deaths. When we remain quiet, the burden continues to be carried by those who cannot bear it. Through dialogue, we have the opportunity to open our minds and our hearts."
How else can this crisis ever be addressed if people can't even talk about it, let alone DO anything to help alleviate the suffering.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot say enough good things about this book! I laughed, I cried, I learned, I appreciated. As a mother, the experiences and emotions that the author shared struck a chord deep inside of me, one that I'm not even sure I knew was there. Her patience, resilience, and love for her friends & family seemed boundless. Her description of her son Holden was such perfection that I can picture him still, dressed in slouchy jeans with an oversized backpack, traversing the cities of Vancouver & Montreal, sharing his artistic endeavors as he went. As a former registered psychiatric nurse, I found this book's depiction of substance use, mental health, and family relationships both thought- provoking & mesmerizing. Listening to the book being read by it's author made it all the more meaningful.
To describe this book as a must- read does not do it justice.

[Joanne Culley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Holden After and Before: Love Letter for a Son Lost to Overdose by Tara McGuire is a heart-wrenching account of the author’s son Holden’s life and death at the age of 21 from an accidental overdose. She alternates between two timelines, of Holden’s life before he died, describing his childhood as a gifted, creative youth who goes to art school, finds his passion as a graffiti artist, but as someone who can't leave his demons behind. Alcohol, grass, cocaine, and ultimately heroin, laced with fentanyl, are his undoing, and despite his efforts to come clean, he keeps going back. McGuire frames Holden’s story with her own first person account of her grief journey after his death, which she intersperses with imagined scenes from Holden’s perspective. This must-read story helps readers towards a better understanding of an important issue facing families and communities today.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow...this book packs an emotional wallop and you can't help but deeply empathize with the author's desperate need to fully understand her son's life and death. Like all mothers, she blames herself for his failure to thrive and doesn't once blame the government or his schools even though she is desperate for answers. It is sad that no matter how "successful" our other children are, we will never feel that we are good mothers if there is one child who is flailing at life.

It would have been interesting to know more about Holden's biological father and his attempts or lack thereof, to help Holden because it always seems like it's the mother who puts in almost all of the emotional work.

What a brave book from an awesome writer and mother. I'm so sorry that it had to be written. Bravo!

[Marcie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having known souls lost to the drug crisis, I was drawn to this book. As a mother, my response was visceral. I found myself sneaking into my children’s rooms just to watch them sleeping safely in their beds.

Stories like Tara and Holden’s are so important. We need to stop “othering” those who are suffering from mental health and addiction issues. These people are not just “junkies” (this pejorative term makes me cringe.) They are sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, partners, friends - they are all invaluable people who leave a profound emptiness when they are gone.

This book will break your heart, but maybe that is what we need to shake us from our apathy.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I cannot imagine how hard this book was to write. Difficult to critique it. I struggled with the fiction parts where the author speaks in his voice. Maybe too difficult to read, not sure. It certainly got me thinking about how kids like Holden could be helped as their whole lives are soaked in addiction, their identity is formed at such a young age. I am an atheist but it almost seems like a spiritual transformation is needed that offers hope. Addiction can be so inexplicable. Tragic

[Claudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

El libro fue difícil de leer para mi por el tema y lo triste de toda la situación. Tampoco fue fácil seguir la cronología de los eventos y a veces me pareció que la voz del narrador cambiaba y que en vez de seguir la narrativa de la madre, cambiaba a la voz de su hijo Holden y eso me confundió varias veces.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars aren't enough. I have written and re-written this review many times. I took my time sinking into her journey about his last year. The book is gorgeous in prose and brutal honesty. I am just going to end this by thanking Tara for sharing her and Holden's stories. PS. JJ was right. xo

[Jodie Siu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Devastating and gorgeously written, this is a stunning mix of memoir and fiction. Ultimately McGuire cannot know her son, but her story, and her imagining of his, are so reflective and authentic. A heartbreaking story of one of the many, many lives lost to the opioid crisis.

[Carmen G · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how this author gives voice to a main character who is physically not present, or is present solely through her memories and imagination. Vividly told, gut wrenching personal story of a critical current issue for Vancouver.

[Tracey-Lee Buziol · Rating 3 out of 5]

Difficult book to read … a mother’s story of grief and loss and coming to terms with her son’s heroin addiction and ultimate overdose. I will look and pay attention to see her son’s graffiti around Vancouver.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holden passed away at 21 after many years of mental health and addiction struggles. His story is told by his mother in a fictionalized memoir style, that i thought was very loving and thoughtfully written as a tribute to him.

[Helenr10 · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best reads. Such beautiful eloquent writing flows through the story. Thanks Tara for sharing this journey.

[Joanna McD · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly sad and important.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is indeed a love letter to the author's son. She let us feel her pain but also her immense love for a son that died too soon.

[Janet Slater · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, powerful and absolutely heartbreaking