Grief Isn't Something to Get Over: Finding a Home for Memories and Emotions After Losing a Loved One

by Mary C. Lamia

The loss of a loved one can be overwhelming. How do we endure grief? Can we simply forget, or "get over it?" This book explains the science behind bereavement, from emotion to the persistence of memory, and shows readers how to understand and adapt to death as a part of life.

Responses to loss are typically associated with negative emotions, traumatic memories, or separation distress, but we grieve because we care. This book demonstrates how negative emotional responses experienced in grief often follow experiences with positive emotional memories. Dr. Lamia emphasizes an understanding and acceptance of post-loss emotions.

This book aims to expand our understanding of bereavement, placing it in alignment with how emotions work. Using numerous case examples and personal vignettes, this book helps readers recognize the ways in which emotions are connected to memories and influence our experiences of loss.

Genres: Grief, Mental Health, Health

214 pages, Paperback

Published May 17, 2022

About the author

My career-long passion for encouraging emotional awareness in adults, adolescents, and pre-teens is exemplified by my books, and my blog posts illustrate my endeavor to convey that emotions have a significant role in who we become. I am a professor in the doctoral program of the Wright Institute in Berkeley and I have a private practice in Kentfield, California.

Reviews

[Jaime · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well organized and easy to read book that deals with loss & grieving. These are both very personal and life changing. Grief is unique for each individual and there is no “right way” to grieve. This book explains the psychological & spiritual process of grief and would likely be a great comfort to someone experiencing loss for the first time.

[Kelsey Mahoney (The Reading Nook) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've struggled with the process of grieving the loss of my father & two grandmothers for years now. I've been reminded (through this book) that grieving isn't a one-size-fits-all, and that there is no "proper" way to grieve. Grief is something to work through and to embrace, not shun and try to suppress. There is no right or wrong way to experience grief. This book beautifully and in a well-organized way, discussed grief through a psychological as well as a spiritual approach. I enjoyed this book, as it gave me a different perspective on the grief that I am living with. I would 100% recommend this to anyone that is grieving, or is dealing with any sort of loss.

[Alison Chorney-Dubien · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grief is a personal experience and there is no right or wrong way to have this experience.

The author challenges the stages of grief in a way that makes more sense. She offers her insight in a way that feels compassionate and kind and soothing. She acknowledges that there are many types of grief and that any type of loss can initiate a grief response. The author speaks from a place of experience and knowledge as she discloses her loss.

I loved this point “grief does not have defined stages, and relinquishing our attachment to a loved one is not central to the task of mourning”.

Different types of memories are discussed along with their role in our grief responses. Acknowledging that recovery from grief isn’t a linear process and memories will trigger different emotions was extremely helpful.

The author did a beautiful job describing grief thoughts and emotions and simply being and sitting with these. She didn’t make any claims on healing but normalized the universal process felt by the grieving. I would highly recommend this book.

4.5/5 stars

[Books Bliss and Biscuits Karolina & Natasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mary Lamia is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst with a doctoral degree in clinical psychology. There is no doubt that Lamia is an expert in this field. Her book is about how memory is an essential tool one uses for adapting to various circumstances, including loss. It discusses different types of memories (there are many! Who knew?). She presents the data in an easy to understand manner and makes many links with her own experiences of loss. Lamia has her fair share of grieving stories, including the passing of her mom when she was very young, followed by the death of her dad when she was a teen, the death of her uncle and, as she was finalizing her book, the death of her spouse!

I enjoyed Grief Isn’t Something You Get Over and learned a lot from it. It’s been already 5 years since I lost my son and I have had enough time to think through all of this and absorb the information Lamia presented. I do not think that this book is a must-read for people who have just begun their grieving process…but I do believe that all mental health professionals (counselors, psychologists, therapists, etc.) should read this to understand the role memory plays in the grief process.

More on our blog.

[Tracey Duncan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mary Lamia is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst with a doctorate in clinical psychology. There is no doubt that Lamia is an expert in this field. Her personal experiences with grief in this work are as instructive and helpful as are the examples of other families navigating loss.

Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over describes types of grief as inherently part of our memories, and memories, inclusive of grief, are with us for a lifetime. According to Lamia, there is no such thing as closure or getting over something so inextricably part of our life experience.

Clear and concise in her writing, Lamia helps the reader access and process grief by finding a specific home for the deep emotions we experience after a loss. Each occupies a unique space and is tied to specific memories, which serves as a way of processing grief as part of a greater experience.

Without hesitation, I highly recommend Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over and am certain to reread and refer to the book as I continue my own life’s journey.

Thank you to Edelweiss+ and the American Psychological Association for the DRC in exchange for this independent review.

[Robyn Obermeyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried every time I read this book, it brought up so many emotions and helped me understand why I feel so much since the death of my son from brain cancer.

[Miranda Newman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read for a work CE and loved it. The author beautifully wove her own stories of grief into the education and application for clinicians.

[Natasha de Sousa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting - I learned a lot about Joe memory impacts the grieving heart. More suitable to psychologists, therapists, counselors than to those who are currently grieving.