The Empty Room: Surviving the Loss of a Brother or Sister at Any Age

by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

The younger sister of a boy who died in his teens of a rare autoimmune disease describes the loving bond they shared and draws on interviews with more than two hundred sibling survivors to consider the complex emotional impact of losing a brother or sister. 35,000 first printing.

Genres: Psychology, Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Memoir

240 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Judy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read looking for insight and while I found it a worthwhile read, it dealt primarily with the death of a young sibling. I have a better understanding of the way a death affects other children, aspects I hadn’t thought of before. I was more interested in aspects of the death of an adult sibling.

[Elizabeth Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Empty Room was extremely validating and helpful for processing my grief over losing my brother (he 28 years-old and I 30 years-old). DeVita-Raeburn expresses how siblings often use each other for reference points in forming our identities/going through life and how disorienting it can be to no longer have them. I felt comfort in reading her story and the many other sibling stories shared by others. This book helped me to recognize the many ways in which sibling bonds are special, as well as the multiple facets of grief one may feel when a sibling has passed.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book took me a year to finish and I'm proud I did. I highly recommend it for anyone who has experienced the death of a sibling; it takes away some of the loneliness.

[Burb · Rating 5 out of 5]

From a research perspective, this book was so helpful when I needed it most. Being a bereaved sibling, I was able to receive such comfort and peace from the content. This book details exactly what it is titled, the experience of what it is like to lose a sibling. It explores all of the complex emotions and lived experiences of different ages and populations of people. I could not thank the author more for creating something very needed in such a populous demographic.

[Marie Polega · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fortunately for me, my experience with sibling loss is very different from Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn's. Unfortunately, I think her experience is very common, as siblings are often overlooked in their grief. I liked that she wrote not only about her own life, but included interviews with other bereaved siblings.

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Carrying" was a most beautiful chapter on surviving grief.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE definitive book about sibling loss. Absolutely recommend to everyone who has experienced this loss.

[peter hillebrand · Rating 3 out of 5]

Honestly shout out to anyone writing books about grief because everyone's grief is so specific! Good luck encapsulating anyone else's well enough to help! Found the parts about "learning to tell your own story" very effective and the "twin loss" chapter super interesting. Any time she got REALLY into the details of her brother's illness and how she remembered it were the most compelling parts.

Favorite Lines/Passages:
"It's one of a number of reasons that bereft siblings tend to loathe the question: Do you have any brothers and sisters? This question, which I took to calling "the question" in the course of my interviews, sits at the juncture of private public lives. Answering honestly can expose the loss to myriad unpredictable responses, may of which are dismissive. And it's the context of "the question" that you often see the ambiguous sense of the loss emerge. Are they still siblings? How many do they have?"

"And as I was thinking that, strangely, suddenly, time shifted, and I was an adult, and Ted was a little boy who'd suffered a lot, and not my big brother"

"The simple truth might be to say that every loss is unique. When it comes to our societal understanding of grief, the important question is not whose loss is the worst but what does this loss, your loss, mean to you? The truth is, the worst loss is the one that is happening to you, the one that has picked you up and thrown you down and left you struggling to put your life back together."

[Rebecca KB · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to try and support my daughter who lost her brother when she was 9. Is very well written and I know I will remember it as my daughter reaches her teens and slowly realises what has happened to her. It showed me that her grief is as deep as mine and that I will always answer her questions and talk openly about her loss.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn is the younger sister of one of the well known 'Bubble Boys', isolated for 8 years in a hospital due to bone marrow failure resulting in aplastic anemia in the early 1980s. She covers much ground discussing how many siblings experience the sudden, unexpected death of an older brother or younger sister...then poof! They are simply gone, wiped out from their family, pecking order reestablished, with guilt growing, and no further talking or learning about the death from devastated parents.

The salient points reveal that sibling loss is ignored on a large scale, not talked by the parents or anyone for that matter. The surviving sibling often has a strong connectedness to the sister she grew up with and she mirrored who you are, who shared the same emotional responses to events , who you ran every bit of your life by and in the end this relationship defined how you see yourself. You retreat into memories but had expected to share a future of aging together comparing what she heard, memories, if what you saw as was what she saw as you grew up in your primary family. Bonds are formed that run much deeper in our psyches than previously thought. You love how they loved you, how they saw you and accepted you, intimate connections now being renegotiated in death. You renegotiate who you are without these extraordinary influences in your life. Powerful book for those of us who lost a beloved brother , sister or both, and now seek comfort in solitude. She is also correct that no one will ask you how you are. No one will even acknowledge the loss.

A chapter is devoted to loss of a twin which seems to be a different trajectory since identities are bundled into one. This book helped me understand that no thought, feeling or behavior one has after loss is wrong, or strange. Rather it is a universal response losing the people you grew up with having been hard wired the same, so that imprinting occurs and similar patterns, emotions, responses to events are shared at a primordial level which is disorienting after loss.

[Vicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

This author fills a gap in literature for those who suffer the loss of a sibling early in life. This is the sister’s recount of the “boy in a bubble”. She explores the enormous and often unacknowledged impact of a sister or brother’s death on the remaining siblings.

[Shandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it helpful and relatable even though my sibling passed suddenly and in adulthood.
The book was a little clinical at times but mostly was easy to read and relate to.

[Susan Cohen · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are not enough books written about this subject. This was well done and helped validate many emotions I have had over my lifetime.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much validation for what I am going through.

[Cindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author tells of her feelings of loss 23 years after her brother died of a rare blood disease called aplastic anemia. Most of the stories are from siblings and their loss when they were young. A good book for siblings at that stage but not much mention about loss of siblings that are older. A very compassionate book which describes feelings that everyone may go through grieving the loss of a sibling. Having lost a brother who was 41, doesn't really cover much of that subject. I picked up this book from my library.

[Judy Sim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was/is a self- help, self analyzing book of sorts for myself. My only sister had died at age 37, about 17 years ago. Would be helpful and insightful for many who have lost siblings. Goes back and forth from author's personal experience to interviewees experiences to psychologists and sociologists thoughts on sibling loss.

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really, truly resonated with me. I read it in one day and couldn't put it down. Something about the idea that we "rank" one another's grief and decide who really "deserves" to be the most sad - so true. I loved this book.

[Janina Klein · Rating 5 out of 5]

hat mir die Augen geöffnet für viele Dinge

[Russ · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good memoir on a topic I hope you never need.

[Pat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gave me insight as to what the remaining siblings are feeling after the death of their brother/sister. Learned from it.

[Evangeline Cakounes · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is very good, it shows how much a brother or sister struggles with the loss of there sibling. this book is very good and I would say to read it.

[Chris Enss]

Enlightening and heartbreaking.