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Una storia d'amore. Lettera a mia figlia transgender
Tutto comincia con qualcuno che bussa alla porta di una famiglia bianca della buona borghesia americana: una scrittrice, un marito amorevole e quattro figli. Sono felici. Alla porta c’è un assistente sociale: ha alcune domande sul figlio più piccolo che ha tre anni e, secondo chi li ha denunciati, si comporta in modo “troppo femminile”.
Quella visita è lo spartiacque tra un prima e un dopo, e insieme la scoperta di un mondo ostile, incapace di garantire i diritti di chi, identificato alla nascita come maschio, si riconosce invece in un’identità di genere femminile e chiede, prima di tutto ai suoi genitori, di essere chiamato “lei” e non “lui”.
Da quel momento, la famiglia si organizza in funzione della sua crescita, individuando il luogo migliore in cui andare a vivere, cercando lo Stato americano con la maggior tutela legislativa e confrontandosi con dubbi, paure e incertezze.
Un libro importante e commovente, che parla di legami, cambiamento, coraggio, politica, diritti, fede e ragione: una lettera, dolcissima indirizzata da una madre a una figlia, ma pensata per tutti noi e dettata da un amore che non accetta compromessi.
Quella visita è lo spartiacque tra un prima e un dopo, e insieme la scoperta di un mondo ostile, incapace di garantire i diritti di chi, identificato alla nascita come maschio, si riconosce invece in un’identità di genere femminile e chiede, prima di tutto ai suoi genitori, di essere chiamato “lei” e non “lui”.
Da quel momento, la famiglia si organizza in funzione della sua crescita, individuando il luogo migliore in cui andare a vivere, cercando lo Stato americano con la maggior tutela legislativa e confrontandosi con dubbi, paure e incertezze.
Un libro importante e commovente, che parla di legami, cambiamento, coraggio, politica, diritti, fede e ragione: una lettera, dolcissima indirizzata da una madre a una figlia, ma pensata per tutti noi e dettata da un amore che non accetta compromessi.
370 pages, Paperback
First published September 13, 2022
76 people are currently reading
3906 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 185 reviews
November 16, 2022
Let me start by saying who I think this book is actually for. It is for parents trying to understand how to raise a trans child with support and love and acceptance. That is certainly something that we need, as the biggest threats to many trans kids are their own parents. Thankfully we have reached a point where many parents want to do right by their kids, but many are also unfamiliar with the trans community and the struggle for trans rights. This book gives them a model of allyship in many ways. It does not describe perfect parenting, Hays and her husband do several things incorrectly, especially early on, but she always acknowledges that these were mistakes. She has come a long way since then, it is clear. She is a fount of knowledge and resources and is clearly involved in trans activism.
There are many other things this book could be, but I don't think it's particularly successful at any of them. I struggled with a lot of this book, even while I understood the author's good intentions. I suspect if she had made it a more traditional parenting book or maybe a more traditional memoir, it would be a better book. Instead it is a hodgepodge of many things.
It is addressed to her daughter, as the subtitle says. There are ways in which this is good. I can't deny that there is power in having a cis parent tell a trans child they are loved, repeatedly. Exhaustively. Many queer people never get that acceptance of their identity. Including me. I cry every time a parent accepts their queer child in television or movies, because I still find it powerful. And yet, there is so much here that I would not tell a queer child, especially a trans one. I understand that some of it you would want to share some day, Hays has clearly been deeply shaped by a visit from Child Services based solely on her daughter's gender identity. It's important to know about a big event like that. But much of the book is Hays taking on one fight after another for her child. As much as she tries to balance it with more everyday things, the child's trans-ness begins to feel like the entire family's defining trait. What really got me was when she talked about her and her husband's struggle to understand gender identity and transness, the things they got wrong. It's a sensitive subject, one that can often be hurtful to trans people. Generally it is not a thing that you share, if that is your struggle it is yours, it is not something you need to trouble your trans friend or child or coworker with. You just focus on doing right by them, you do not explain to them how hard it is for you to figure it out.
There are also so many reminders of what trans people struggle with, the uphill battles within the community, the risks of violence and discrimination. It is also exhaustive, it kept making me wonder why you would tell your child over and over again just how much of a threat they face. But that is why I don't think this is a book for trans people. It has a very cis lens, even if it is being told to a trans child. It sometimes feels as though it is explaining trans-ness to a trans person, which I did not like at all.
The parental tone is also difficult. It can feel like you are being taught, which gets really weird! I don't really want a cis straight woman explaining queer theory and trans rights to me, particularly not as a parent talking to their child. I am sympathetic, there are many things I have to explain to my own children that I am not the ideal person to explain from an identity perspective. But my closeness as their mother makes it my job. In a book for the public, it can be off. That parent thing also means that Hays' discussion of her children is so enthusiastic and effusive, so overflowing with praise that it can feel like someone you are tired of talking to at a party.
I just kept thinking what it would be like for a mother of a bisexual child to be talking like this and the thought of it made me bristle. I can only speak for myself but I can't say I would be jumping to put this in the hands of trans readers.
It's important to note that Hays is Catholic and brings that to the book. She sees no real conflict between her faith and her celebration of her daughter's identity, though others do. Sometimes to me it felt like who she was really writing the book for was all the parents (and especially the school administrators at the Catholic school who appear in the book) who didn't accept her daughter. Hays is someone who really believes she can convince people with the power of her love. She believes that if people can just see and understand her daughter they will just accept that trans is beautiful. I do not share that optimism. I believe we can make progress and we have made a lot. I believe visibility is extremely important. And I believe that some people are able to change. But the people Hays is thinking of? I don't have much hope for them.
At the end of the day, that is what this book really is. It is Hays working out a lot of her own pain for the battles she's had to fight on her daughter's behalf and celebrating the love she has for her. She does this with an intensity that makes it clear that she believes she will get you on her side, that you will be powerless to do anything but love her daughter. It is rare to see this kind of allyship. But it's also a difficult needle to thread. Allies are not supposed to be the focus of the story, but allies need models and examples.
I wish there was a stronger hand in the editing, a stronger purpose behind what the book is trying to do. The intentions are there, but as it is it can't really serve any one purpose very well.
There are many other things this book could be, but I don't think it's particularly successful at any of them. I struggled with a lot of this book, even while I understood the author's good intentions. I suspect if she had made it a more traditional parenting book or maybe a more traditional memoir, it would be a better book. Instead it is a hodgepodge of many things.
It is addressed to her daughter, as the subtitle says. There are ways in which this is good. I can't deny that there is power in having a cis parent tell a trans child they are loved, repeatedly. Exhaustively. Many queer people never get that acceptance of their identity. Including me. I cry every time a parent accepts their queer child in television or movies, because I still find it powerful. And yet, there is so much here that I would not tell a queer child, especially a trans one. I understand that some of it you would want to share some day, Hays has clearly been deeply shaped by a visit from Child Services based solely on her daughter's gender identity. It's important to know about a big event like that. But much of the book is Hays taking on one fight after another for her child. As much as she tries to balance it with more everyday things, the child's trans-ness begins to feel like the entire family's defining trait. What really got me was when she talked about her and her husband's struggle to understand gender identity and transness, the things they got wrong. It's a sensitive subject, one that can often be hurtful to trans people. Generally it is not a thing that you share, if that is your struggle it is yours, it is not something you need to trouble your trans friend or child or coworker with. You just focus on doing right by them, you do not explain to them how hard it is for you to figure it out.
There are also so many reminders of what trans people struggle with, the uphill battles within the community, the risks of violence and discrimination. It is also exhaustive, it kept making me wonder why you would tell your child over and over again just how much of a threat they face. But that is why I don't think this is a book for trans people. It has a very cis lens, even if it is being told to a trans child. It sometimes feels as though it is explaining trans-ness to a trans person, which I did not like at all.
The parental tone is also difficult. It can feel like you are being taught, which gets really weird! I don't really want a cis straight woman explaining queer theory and trans rights to me, particularly not as a parent talking to their child. I am sympathetic, there are many things I have to explain to my own children that I am not the ideal person to explain from an identity perspective. But my closeness as their mother makes it my job. In a book for the public, it can be off. That parent thing also means that Hays' discussion of her children is so enthusiastic and effusive, so overflowing with praise that it can feel like someone you are tired of talking to at a party.
I just kept thinking what it would be like for a mother of a bisexual child to be talking like this and the thought of it made me bristle. I can only speak for myself but I can't say I would be jumping to put this in the hands of trans readers.
It's important to note that Hays is Catholic and brings that to the book. She sees no real conflict between her faith and her celebration of her daughter's identity, though others do. Sometimes to me it felt like who she was really writing the book for was all the parents (and especially the school administrators at the Catholic school who appear in the book) who didn't accept her daughter. Hays is someone who really believes she can convince people with the power of her love. She believes that if people can just see and understand her daughter they will just accept that trans is beautiful. I do not share that optimism. I believe we can make progress and we have made a lot. I believe visibility is extremely important. And I believe that some people are able to change. But the people Hays is thinking of? I don't have much hope for them.
At the end of the day, that is what this book really is. It is Hays working out a lot of her own pain for the battles she's had to fight on her daughter's behalf and celebrating the love she has for her. She does this with an intensity that makes it clear that she believes she will get you on her side, that you will be powerless to do anything but love her daughter. It is rare to see this kind of allyship. But it's also a difficult needle to thread. Allies are not supposed to be the focus of the story, but allies need models and examples.
I wish there was a stronger hand in the editing, a stronger purpose behind what the book is trying to do. The intentions are there, but as it is it can't really serve any one purpose very well.
June 15, 2022
While I suppose no book is perfect, I think A Girlhood: Letter to My Transgender Daughter is about as perfect as they come.
It's part memoir, part research project, part confessional. The writing is personal, tender, and fierce. I found so much that resonated about parenting in general, the way we love our kids and try to help them find the most joy possible in this life. And, as the wife of a trans guy, I also found kinship in the experience of watching someone transition and find their true selves. It's beautiful. Sometimes frightening. And often hard for a host of reasons. But ultimately, joyful.
A Girlhood will be my go-to recommendation for anyone trying to understand gender identity or transness. And for parents of gay kids, trans kids, cis kids, gender non-conforming kids--parents of humans. I cannot think of anyone I wouldn't recommend it to. As a person in the queer community who didn't have a stellar coming out experience with my parents, I find narratives about parents who support and champion their LGBTQ kids to be a balm. Because I always believed I deserved better than I got--and seeing other kids get that kind of support is healing and hopeful. Because I was right. We do deserve better. And always have.
There's lots of LGBTQ history mixed in to the narrative. And the writer is Catholic--so there's also this gorgeous arc of what Catholicism can be. There's a lot of hype there. But also a lot of realism. The author is constantly acknowledging her privilege and unpacking difficult social construction and religious dogma.
I am 100% enamored of Carolyn Hays' intellect, compassion, and fierce love for her kid. This is a must read.
It's part memoir, part research project, part confessional. The writing is personal, tender, and fierce. I found so much that resonated about parenting in general, the way we love our kids and try to help them find the most joy possible in this life. And, as the wife of a trans guy, I also found kinship in the experience of watching someone transition and find their true selves. It's beautiful. Sometimes frightening. And often hard for a host of reasons. But ultimately, joyful.
A Girlhood will be my go-to recommendation for anyone trying to understand gender identity or transness. And for parents of gay kids, trans kids, cis kids, gender non-conforming kids--parents of humans. I cannot think of anyone I wouldn't recommend it to. As a person in the queer community who didn't have a stellar coming out experience with my parents, I find narratives about parents who support and champion their LGBTQ kids to be a balm. Because I always believed I deserved better than I got--and seeing other kids get that kind of support is healing and hopeful. Because I was right. We do deserve better. And always have.
There's lots of LGBTQ history mixed in to the narrative. And the writer is Catholic--so there's also this gorgeous arc of what Catholicism can be. There's a lot of hype there. But also a lot of realism. The author is constantly acknowledging her privilege and unpacking difficult social construction and religious dogma.
I am 100% enamored of Carolyn Hays' intellect, compassion, and fierce love for her kid. This is a must read.
July 24, 2022
This is the most important book I’ll read all year.
This novel is told through letters from a mother to her transgender daughter, revolving around a terrible and catalyzing incident. While living in the Bible Belt, an anonymous complaint is made to the Department of Children and Families about the family, and specifically, their transitioning daughter. The family soon learns there is a very real possibility of losing custody of their daughter for simply supporting her and loving her for who she is.
While the book revolves around this terrible event, it is fiercely woven with love and compassion. We learn with the author about trans history, lack of rights, experiences, struggles, love, beauty, and joy. The author seamlessly weaves her family’s experiences with scientific facts and history regarding gender, sex, community, culture, patriarchy, and so much more.
This is not a sad book, nor a tragedy story, as the author opens the book by saying. This is a book of immense love, and unburdened joy.
I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I was ecstatic to win this ARC copy and am very grateful to the publisher.
This novel is told through letters from a mother to her transgender daughter, revolving around a terrible and catalyzing incident. While living in the Bible Belt, an anonymous complaint is made to the Department of Children and Families about the family, and specifically, their transitioning daughter. The family soon learns there is a very real possibility of losing custody of their daughter for simply supporting her and loving her for who she is.
While the book revolves around this terrible event, it is fiercely woven with love and compassion. We learn with the author about trans history, lack of rights, experiences, struggles, love, beauty, and joy. The author seamlessly weaves her family’s experiences with scientific facts and history regarding gender, sex, community, culture, patriarchy, and so much more.
This is not a sad book, nor a tragedy story, as the author opens the book by saying. This is a book of immense love, and unburdened joy.
I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I was ecstatic to win this ARC copy and am very grateful to the publisher.
August 6, 2022
Please read this book! I received an ARC of A Girlhood from my local bookstore - my first-ever ARC, and what a great book to get to read early. A Girlhood is a first-hand look at of the joys, challenges, dangers, and fears that come with raising a trans child. It is also a beautiful story of a family’s love. Highly recommend!
March 31, 2025
This heartfelt, inspiring memoir written by the mother of a trans girl is a mix of cultural critique and trans history. It is also a useful guide to raising and supporting trans and gender diverse youth. While the audio is only available in the U.S., I was able to listen to it and really enjoyed the depth and research that went into backing up the more personal stories. Hays's maternal love and passion about the topic shine through in this important must read. Highly recommended!
January 2, 2023
I feel really torn about this book, like others. The first half I couldn’t put down and was 5/5 and the last third was a repetitive 2/5. I had to skip the last few chapters on Catholicism.
I loved the premise of this book, but it very much felt like the book was more for the mother than the daughter or the trans community. We don’t really learn anything about the central character in the book - her experience, challenges, views and joys; only how her experience makes her mother feel. In fact she’s the only person in the book never given even a pseudonym, which seems ironic given it’s a book about identity.
It felt like a book about motherhood and womanhood more generally, with only quite a superficial covering of its central premise - to me, anyway.
Was hard to finish.
I loved the premise of this book, but it very much felt like the book was more for the mother than the daughter or the trans community. We don’t really learn anything about the central character in the book - her experience, challenges, views and joys; only how her experience makes her mother feel. In fact she’s the only person in the book never given even a pseudonym, which seems ironic given it’s a book about identity.
It felt like a book about motherhood and womanhood more generally, with only quite a superficial covering of its central premise - to me, anyway.
Was hard to finish.
July 7, 2022
This book of love should be mandatory reading. Beautiful, sometimes stressful, informative, but always about love.
January 16, 2023
4.5 stars. “The truth is that the people you love save you. You save the people you love” (208).
December 17, 2022
Well, this book just casually wandered in and shot into my list of favourite books of the year!
Written as a letter to her daughter, Hays (a pseudonym to protect the privacy of her daughter and family) tells the story of what happened to her family, after they supported their daughter in her transition.
A mixture of stories from their past - how she met her husband, the births of their three older children, her career as a university professor - her perspective on raising her younger daughter and the events that unfolded after an anonymous person called Child Protection Services and reported that Hays and her husband were ‘forcing their daughter to be gay’, it is a deeply raw and personal memoir and I could not put it down.
Hays also includes information on the history of the transgender community and cleverly and simply dismantles many of the arguments that are put forward by TERF and anti-trans supporters.
But the thing that comes through most strongly is her love for her daughter and that made me sob several times.
This is about loving someone for exactly who they are and for loving them deeply, fiercely and without hesitation or question.
There are several content warnings (transphobia, miscarriage, emotional trauma) as Hays doesn’t hold back but this book is out in January and I think it’s going to be huge.
Highly recommended; this is one of those books that I think should be required reading for everyone.
Written as a letter to her daughter, Hays (a pseudonym to protect the privacy of her daughter and family) tells the story of what happened to her family, after they supported their daughter in her transition.
A mixture of stories from their past - how she met her husband, the births of their three older children, her career as a university professor - her perspective on raising her younger daughter and the events that unfolded after an anonymous person called Child Protection Services and reported that Hays and her husband were ‘forcing their daughter to be gay’, it is a deeply raw and personal memoir and I could not put it down.
Hays also includes information on the history of the transgender community and cleverly and simply dismantles many of the arguments that are put forward by TERF and anti-trans supporters.
But the thing that comes through most strongly is her love for her daughter and that made me sob several times.
This is about loving someone for exactly who they are and for loving them deeply, fiercely and without hesitation or question.
There are several content warnings (transphobia, miscarriage, emotional trauma) as Hays doesn’t hold back but this book is out in January and I think it’s going to be huge.
Highly recommended; this is one of those books that I think should be required reading for everyone.
April 12, 2022
One of the best books I’ve ever read.
February 18, 2024
The strongest parts are about the family's own narrative. The rest of the book jumps around a lot which I found dizzying. I can see why the author wanted to add so much context but some parts were repetitive. Sad that things are so tough for this child despite her family's support, hard to imagine what it's like for others.
March 26, 2024
As ever, really hard to know how to review a book like this. I wanted to read somebody’s lived experience rather than a piece that sought exclusively to persuade and this was that in spades.
I’m grateful for the author’s transparency, and feel considerably more informed on this topic than I did a month ago, but my overwhelming response is one of heartbreak by the depth of pain that fills each page.
I’m grateful for the author’s transparency, and feel considerably more informed on this topic than I did a month ago, but my overwhelming response is one of heartbreak by the depth of pain that fills each page.
Read
January 13, 2023a tender and powerful book that taught me so much, thank you for the rec Romir🤍
Read
July 20, 2023I never give ratings to personal stories because who am I to rate someone's life story?
I read this at a slow pace because I had to stop and absorb. This book is beautiful. This book is thought-provoking. This book does a wonderful job of offering honest perspective. It is heartbreaking and encouraging all at the same time. While it fully meant to be the experience of raising a Trans child in America it is actually commentary on the human experience. Reading this at a point in time where anti-trans legislation is flooding America is especially difficult. I wish the compassion and humanizing mindset offered in these pages could be drilled into the heads of those who need to hear it most.
This is/was a top tier reading experience. I am not a parent but I still got so much from this book.
I read this at a slow pace because I had to stop and absorb. This book is beautiful. This book is thought-provoking. This book does a wonderful job of offering honest perspective. It is heartbreaking and encouraging all at the same time. While it fully meant to be the experience of raising a Trans child in America it is actually commentary on the human experience. Reading this at a point in time where anti-trans legislation is flooding America is especially difficult. I wish the compassion and humanizing mindset offered in these pages could be drilled into the heads of those who need to hear it most.
This is/was a top tier reading experience. I am not a parent but I still got so much from this book.
July 30, 2023
"Imagine a series of firsts: the words my daughter, the words my son, and all of the power that comes with them forming in a throat, moving through the mouth of a mother, a father; to be kissed by those words on the forehead; to be gazed at with true adoration as the person you are by those you love; how those words, those gazes help you feel like you're stepping into your own tingling skin—for the first time.
This is love. Don't forget it. Being seen for who you are. Being known, adored, pre-forgiven. It's love.
What the LGBTQ+ movement gets right is pride. Pride and joy."
This is a big book, full of big stories, big knowledge and big emotions. Written by a mother to her transgender daughter it is bursting at the seams with tender yet powerful love, acceptance, devotion and strength. Carolyn Hays doesn't shy away from recounting her own experiences as a mother and the struggles and fights she had to go through on this journey.
Weaving through the story of this family and their life is an abundance of information about transgender history, rights, struggles and joy. In order to dedicate my full attention and get the most out of it I've been reading this book over the last three months, bit by bit, in bitesized but powerful portions. It's a moving book that made me cry on my lunch break (something I don't normally like to do outside the safety of my home).
Having just finished the last chapter and closing the book after three months of being really invested in this family's story, I almost feel choked up. I'm really glad I got to read this and feel really thankful that these kind of stories exist.
"Joy is a kind of rebellion. Within that rebellion, a mother's pride can be a mutiny.
My love for you is riotous."
This is love. Don't forget it. Being seen for who you are. Being known, adored, pre-forgiven. It's love.
What the LGBTQ+ movement gets right is pride. Pride and joy."
This is a big book, full of big stories, big knowledge and big emotions. Written by a mother to her transgender daughter it is bursting at the seams with tender yet powerful love, acceptance, devotion and strength. Carolyn Hays doesn't shy away from recounting her own experiences as a mother and the struggles and fights she had to go through on this journey.
Weaving through the story of this family and their life is an abundance of information about transgender history, rights, struggles and joy. In order to dedicate my full attention and get the most out of it I've been reading this book over the last three months, bit by bit, in bitesized but powerful portions. It's a moving book that made me cry on my lunch break (something I don't normally like to do outside the safety of my home).
Having just finished the last chapter and closing the book after three months of being really invested in this family's story, I almost feel choked up. I'm really glad I got to read this and feel really thankful that these kind of stories exist.
"Joy is a kind of rebellion. Within that rebellion, a mother's pride can be a mutiny.
My love for you is riotous."
April 8, 2024
Absolutely incredible book that is a great read for anyone, especially those who have some internal fears about the trans and queer community and want an honest voice to give rise to those fears. Hays has an accessible voice and for me, as a lesbian with a trans sibling and supportive parents but living in an unaccepting world, it was refreshing and beautiful to read :) I recommended it on Facebook and it seems that people are excited to read it themselves!
January 20, 2024
“My love for you is riotous” Loved this one!
August 17, 2025
a very interesting read, part autobiography and part research paper a mix I did not know I could enjoy so much.
June 17, 2025
This was sooo good. I love the intersectionality that the author considers too. Could’ve done with less of the Catholicism focus though
January 16, 2023
‘If she walked into this room, she would change your mind. She would change you.’
A Girlhood: A Letter To My Transgender Daughter is a beautiful memoir. Through a series of letters, Hays paints a portrait of her daughter’s early life. She talks about the happy times, and the struggles. She shares what she has learnt about the world through this journey, and empowers readers to do more when it comes to advocating for trans rights.
Not only is Hays a compassionate mother but she is a brilliant writer too. Her words are so compelling, making real life read like fiction with its gentle lyricism. Even the hardest, ugliest parts were written about in such a way, it made it impossible to put the book down.
I don’t know her daughter, but through reading A Girlhood I feel like I do. Sure of who she was from the moment she was born, her story holds something that is valuable to all.
A Girlhood: A Letter To My Transgender Daughter is a beautiful memoir. Through a series of letters, Hays paints a portrait of her daughter’s early life. She talks about the happy times, and the struggles. She shares what she has learnt about the world through this journey, and empowers readers to do more when it comes to advocating for trans rights.
Not only is Hays a compassionate mother but she is a brilliant writer too. Her words are so compelling, making real life read like fiction with its gentle lyricism. Even the hardest, ugliest parts were written about in such a way, it made it impossible to put the book down.
I don’t know her daughter, but through reading A Girlhood I feel like I do. Sure of who she was from the moment she was born, her story holds something that is valuable to all.
October 1, 2024
Questo libro è stato una piacevole scoperta. Non si è sviluppato come immaginavo e, complice la modalità di scrittura, mi ha reso difficile staccarmene.
L'ho trovato altamente introspettivo e non autocelebrativo, ma "semplicemente" una testimonianza.
Per tutto il tempo mi è sembrato un abbraccio.
Inoltre mi ha fornito molti spunti di approfondimento su persone e storie a me sconosciute.
Mi piacerebbe sapere cosa ne pensa qualcuno che condivide un'esperienza affine a quella narrata.
L'ho trovato altamente introspettivo e non autocelebrativo, ma "semplicemente" una testimonianza.
Per tutto il tempo mi è sembrato un abbraccio.
Inoltre mi ha fornito molti spunti di approfondimento su persone e storie a me sconosciute.
Mi piacerebbe sapere cosa ne pensa qualcuno che condivide un'esperienza affine a quella narrata.
January 4, 2023
In our culture, we’re so used to (and sadly desensitized to) seeing strained relationships between queer kids and their parents. “A Girlhood” allowed me to finally read from the perspective of a parent who embraces their trans child, and I am so grateful for it. It’s not just heartwarming to see trans children be celebrated by their parents — it’s necessary.
Being a queer kid can be so scary, but this book has given me a lot of hope. I’m excited for more and more parents to celebrate their kids in the way they so deserve :)
Being a queer kid can be so scary, but this book has given me a lot of hope. I’m excited for more and more parents to celebrate their kids in the way they so deserve :)
October 6, 2022
This book right here. This book is an absolute must read. I can't remember the last time I read a memoir that touched me as much as this one! It's absolutely beautiful.
Sharing the joys, worries and fears about raising a trans child Carolyn Hays really wrote something very special about love. That's what this story is ultimately about sometimes messy sometimes chaotic but love in its strongest form.
I went on a real journey with this author and it felt like we learnt about trans rights and their history together. The struggles, the triumphs and that's what I loved most about this book it's not preachy, it's not self righteous, although Carolyn Is writing this book to her trans daughter it's like she's speaking to us and we almost learn together. It's compassionate and full of these moments where I felt so much not just empathy but admiration for this family too.
I learnt so much about Trans rights and the fight for equality it's such an informative book and really made me think about how as a Cis white woman can use my voice to call out problematic behaviour when I see it. A Girlhood talks about examining your own internal bias and what that means for the trans community.
There's parts of this book that are really heartbreaking and when this family went through an event that would completely devastate any family I feel like I felt that fear with them. As a Mother I really could relate to Carolyn's fear, but this isn't a book of tragedy, its not a sad book, its a book full of warmth and so much love. We can all learn so much from this book. It's written for her daughter but truly it's a book written for us all. Carolyn thank you for writing this book. It spoke to my heart on so many levels and the admiration I have for you not only as a mother but as a woman is immense. Your beautiful family are a credit to you.
Sharing the joys, worries and fears about raising a trans child Carolyn Hays really wrote something very special about love. That's what this story is ultimately about sometimes messy sometimes chaotic but love in its strongest form.
I went on a real journey with this author and it felt like we learnt about trans rights and their history together. The struggles, the triumphs and that's what I loved most about this book it's not preachy, it's not self righteous, although Carolyn Is writing this book to her trans daughter it's like she's speaking to us and we almost learn together. It's compassionate and full of these moments where I felt so much not just empathy but admiration for this family too.
I learnt so much about Trans rights and the fight for equality it's such an informative book and really made me think about how as a Cis white woman can use my voice to call out problematic behaviour when I see it. A Girlhood talks about examining your own internal bias and what that means for the trans community.
There's parts of this book that are really heartbreaking and when this family went through an event that would completely devastate any family I feel like I felt that fear with them. As a Mother I really could relate to Carolyn's fear, but this isn't a book of tragedy, its not a sad book, its a book full of warmth and so much love. We can all learn so much from this book. It's written for her daughter but truly it's a book written for us all. Carolyn thank you for writing this book. It spoke to my heart on so many levels and the admiration I have for you not only as a mother but as a woman is immense. Your beautiful family are a credit to you.
June 1, 2022
This book is an act of love.
I wish every person turning up their noses at the very existence of trans people, every legislator who is pushing for bathroom bills, or to make trans people be forced into shelters, prisons, locker rooms, or any other gendered space that doesn't align with their identities, or those currently pushing through bills that make any kind of gender-aligning medical care illegal would read this book, though it may be too late for some of them. This book needs to be read widely, because for those that still have a heart will understand that none of it is their business, that allowing trans kids to be themselves and allowing their parents to help them be theirselves is nothing short of an act of love.
Carolyn Hays' family went through hell not because of their daughter's transition, but from the actions of a "potentially well-meaning" anonymous person who called the authorities that threatened to take her away from her loving family, simply because they allowed her to be who she is. No family should ever have to go through that. Ever.
As I type this, a trans girl swimmer is being argued about over Fox News (my own mother even asked me about her and the "fairness" of it - not expecting my unquestioned support of her), bills are being pushed through preventing kids from getting the care they need, or threatening their parents with taking away their kids just because they are trans. These stories, are not only distractions from things that really matter, attempting to create scapegoats out of trans folks, their parents, or those that provide them with care, and looking to vilify anyone they don't understand, but they are also acts of violence with real consequences, often to those who are vulnerable.
This book could save lives.
I wish every person turning up their noses at the very existence of trans people, every legislator who is pushing for bathroom bills, or to make trans people be forced into shelters, prisons, locker rooms, or any other gendered space that doesn't align with their identities, or those currently pushing through bills that make any kind of gender-aligning medical care illegal would read this book, though it may be too late for some of them. This book needs to be read widely, because for those that still have a heart will understand that none of it is their business, that allowing trans kids to be themselves and allowing their parents to help them be theirselves is nothing short of an act of love.
Carolyn Hays' family went through hell not because of their daughter's transition, but from the actions of a "potentially well-meaning" anonymous person who called the authorities that threatened to take her away from her loving family, simply because they allowed her to be who she is. No family should ever have to go through that. Ever.
As I type this, a trans girl swimmer is being argued about over Fox News (my own mother even asked me about her and the "fairness" of it - not expecting my unquestioned support of her), bills are being pushed through preventing kids from getting the care they need, or threatening their parents with taking away their kids just because they are trans. These stories, are not only distractions from things that really matter, attempting to create scapegoats out of trans folks, their parents, or those that provide them with care, and looking to vilify anyone they don't understand, but they are also acts of violence with real consequences, often to those who are vulnerable.
This book could save lives.
June 13, 2023
“First, you exist.
Second, that existence is complex, as it should be for all of us.
Third, the larger world that exists around you isn’t always healthy.”
a lifetime of warm hugs given over the course of the birth of her daughter, with the retroactive critique of the heavily, yet simply, compulsory gendered processes that come about since human birth
blunt in clinical senses, enthusiastic over research and findings, as much as this is a personal letter it’s also almost a dumpling metaliterature concerning transgender conception
I think the author’s a hoot; “I wrote fan mail to scientists.”
Approaching with love and caution it’s disregards this fear of the unknown and invites the human experience to learn, in such a humane, inquisitive manner.
“Anyone who believes in binaries hasn’t been paying attention to medicine and science and exploration. We never send someone out on a mission to discover what’s beyond us or the vastness of what’s within us and have them return to report, “Actually, we found less.” They never come back and reduce. There’s always more. Two boxes, one labeled F and one labeled M? The person who wants binaries—not just in gender but in life—is bound to be frustrated if not angry at the multiplicities of life.”
Ultimately the biological standpoint is just a crutch for transphobic arguments, when really, as the passages below discuss, to be human, in one’s body, is one’s right.
“People will think that your body—when reduced to a blunt framework—is a curiosity, something open for debate and conversation. It isn’t. You, like all of us, are more than that.”
“Being lesbian or gay or bisexual or transgender or queer or straight or cisgender, doesn’t hurt anyone. These states of being cause no harm. Being who you are causes no harm.”
“Nature loves diversity.”
I think this is a lovingly written piece of work that yes, is from a specific person’s experiences, I think the way this follows their preconceived notions from the media (or lack there of), learning experiences with their family, genuine love and carefully expressed frustrations help open these discussions to (hopefully) a wider audience
The family seeking the appropriate literature, “experts”, and accounts of stories of trans people to better understand their daughter, and coming out more proud of her conviction than confused, was a delight
“The one thing we did—or were beginning to do—was this: recognize flowering when we saw it and know to be astonished by it. We knew it was essential, divine.”
Anecdotes of trans people (mostly innocuous) throughout history and cultures are peppered in, rounding out how much larger this world is outside of western notions
Not all literature was crafted the same, some with global statistics highlighting frequencies, commonality, and cultural differences while some discussing causes, and painting blame .. while not necessarily helpful, did provide the clarity to address one’s own internalized transphobia
Learning the culture aside, is just the typical highs and lows of raising children into adolescence, their many social rites, while comparing and reminiscing their own life, and the joys and hardships of motherhood and misogyny
The authors relationship with religion, mentioned early on but truly explored closer to the end was .. interesting
“They accept neurology, endocrinology, and genetics in forming gender identity but only take the science as far as it’s useful to their argument. They drop it when it gets complex, and therefore rich and dynamic and mysterious”
“Some people get rigidly fixed on the binary of gender because they like simplicity—male or female. To be reductive about God’s design, for me, is to ignore the astounding, awe-inspiring beauty of His work. It’s snubbing God.”
Being so used to seeing to extremes of what’s deemed unacceptable, begrudgingly accepted, or their faith abandoned altogether, to see a critical yet defensive stance that clearly admonishes those that only seek to manipulate and silence was enlightening .. that ever strong in their faith they still sought out hope in the Vatican’s text to support them in a legislative battle
“There’s really only one line that needs to be highlighted in the entire Vatican document. They state that they defer to medical professionals. We know that the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Medical Association have standards of care and best practices. If I were a lawyer, I would’ve highlighted that sentence sent it back to you and that would be the end of the conversation from my perspective.”
As a non-fictional account .. pressures from the media, politics, peers, the so called law were explored, questioned, rightfully criticized and absolutely devastating
The harsh realities are smoothed by the love that outpours from this letter
It’s ok to be confused, but at this point of the (American) cultural attitude towards trans people, it’s not enough to be a passive bystander, empathy that evolves into learning, understanding, and teaching needs to happen and honest heartfelt recounts like these, I think, could enrich many perspectives
It wouldn’t be right for me to say that the proactive measures of this family is the prime example of what to do or not to do, it’s their experience alone, their advantages (self admitted) alone and the author even laments the difficult choices that others have likely had to make as they’ve decided it was the best choice to protect themselves
“The world is always dangerous and hateful and violent. We can’t control that. We can only control the home we make for them. They have a place in the world where they know they’re safe and loved. That’s how we’ll do it.”
I believe there are: fundamentals that serve to be understood (definitions, histories, dispelling cultural misconceptions and targeted attacks); progressive actions (to educate, to protect); and regressive actions (to harm); and what this explores is a family’s attempts to figure out what practices falls into each action to keep them safe, healthy and happy
And in publishing this a letter, in the grand scheme a footprint in time of their experiences, there’s so much to admire, and so much to learn
I cried from love, from hope, from anger and from relief
It’s a loving, protective, hopeful piece with several (as you can see) affirming passages and experiences, that may bring you closer to a community that you hadn’t explored much before
“Let me tell you this: Your life will, in fact, be rich. It already is. Your empathy will only deepen. Your compassion will be expansive. And your gratitude for life is already vibrant and exhilarating and huge. And raising you has deepened our empathy and expanded our compassion and gratitude for being alive.”
Second, that existence is complex, as it should be for all of us.
Third, the larger world that exists around you isn’t always healthy.”
a lifetime of warm hugs given over the course of the birth of her daughter, with the retroactive critique of the heavily, yet simply, compulsory gendered processes that come about since human birth
blunt in clinical senses, enthusiastic over research and findings, as much as this is a personal letter it’s also almost a dumpling metaliterature concerning transgender conception
I think the author’s a hoot; “I wrote fan mail to scientists.”
Approaching with love and caution it’s disregards this fear of the unknown and invites the human experience to learn, in such a humane, inquisitive manner.
“Anyone who believes in binaries hasn’t been paying attention to medicine and science and exploration. We never send someone out on a mission to discover what’s beyond us or the vastness of what’s within us and have them return to report, “Actually, we found less.” They never come back and reduce. There’s always more. Two boxes, one labeled F and one labeled M? The person who wants binaries—not just in gender but in life—is bound to be frustrated if not angry at the multiplicities of life.”
Ultimately the biological standpoint is just a crutch for transphobic arguments, when really, as the passages below discuss, to be human, in one’s body, is one’s right.
“People will think that your body—when reduced to a blunt framework—is a curiosity, something open for debate and conversation. It isn’t. You, like all of us, are more than that.”
“Being lesbian or gay or bisexual or transgender or queer or straight or cisgender, doesn’t hurt anyone. These states of being cause no harm. Being who you are causes no harm.”
“Nature loves diversity.”
I think this is a lovingly written piece of work that yes, is from a specific person’s experiences, I think the way this follows their preconceived notions from the media (or lack there of), learning experiences with their family, genuine love and carefully expressed frustrations help open these discussions to (hopefully) a wider audience
The family seeking the appropriate literature, “experts”, and accounts of stories of trans people to better understand their daughter, and coming out more proud of her conviction than confused, was a delight
“The one thing we did—or were beginning to do—was this: recognize flowering when we saw it and know to be astonished by it. We knew it was essential, divine.”
Anecdotes of trans people (mostly innocuous) throughout history and cultures are peppered in, rounding out how much larger this world is outside of western notions
Not all literature was crafted the same, some with global statistics highlighting frequencies, commonality, and cultural differences while some discussing causes, and painting blame .. while not necessarily helpful, did provide the clarity to address one’s own internalized transphobia
Learning the culture aside, is just the typical highs and lows of raising children into adolescence, their many social rites, while comparing and reminiscing their own life, and the joys and hardships of motherhood and misogyny
The authors relationship with religion, mentioned early on but truly explored closer to the end was .. interesting
“They accept neurology, endocrinology, and genetics in forming gender identity but only take the science as far as it’s useful to their argument. They drop it when it gets complex, and therefore rich and dynamic and mysterious”
“Some people get rigidly fixed on the binary of gender because they like simplicity—male or female. To be reductive about God’s design, for me, is to ignore the astounding, awe-inspiring beauty of His work. It’s snubbing God.”
Being so used to seeing to extremes of what’s deemed unacceptable, begrudgingly accepted, or their faith abandoned altogether, to see a critical yet defensive stance that clearly admonishes those that only seek to manipulate and silence was enlightening .. that ever strong in their faith they still sought out hope in the Vatican’s text to support them in a legislative battle
“There’s really only one line that needs to be highlighted in the entire Vatican document. They state that they defer to medical professionals. We know that the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Medical Association have standards of care and best practices. If I were a lawyer, I would’ve highlighted that sentence sent it back to you and that would be the end of the conversation from my perspective.”
As a non-fictional account .. pressures from the media, politics, peers, the so called law were explored, questioned, rightfully criticized and absolutely devastating
The harsh realities are smoothed by the love that outpours from this letter
It’s ok to be confused, but at this point of the (American) cultural attitude towards trans people, it’s not enough to be a passive bystander, empathy that evolves into learning, understanding, and teaching needs to happen and honest heartfelt recounts like these, I think, could enrich many perspectives
It wouldn’t be right for me to say that the proactive measures of this family is the prime example of what to do or not to do, it’s their experience alone, their advantages (self admitted) alone and the author even laments the difficult choices that others have likely had to make as they’ve decided it was the best choice to protect themselves
“The world is always dangerous and hateful and violent. We can’t control that. We can only control the home we make for them. They have a place in the world where they know they’re safe and loved. That’s how we’ll do it.”
I believe there are: fundamentals that serve to be understood (definitions, histories, dispelling cultural misconceptions and targeted attacks); progressive actions (to educate, to protect); and regressive actions (to harm); and what this explores is a family’s attempts to figure out what practices falls into each action to keep them safe, healthy and happy
And in publishing this a letter, in the grand scheme a footprint in time of their experiences, there’s so much to admire, and so much to learn
I cried from love, from hope, from anger and from relief
It’s a loving, protective, hopeful piece with several (as you can see) affirming passages and experiences, that may bring you closer to a community that you hadn’t explored much before
“Let me tell you this: Your life will, in fact, be rich. It already is. Your empathy will only deepen. Your compassion will be expansive. And your gratitude for life is already vibrant and exhilarating and huge. And raising you has deepened our empathy and expanded our compassion and gratitude for being alive.”
June 4, 2022
This is such an important book. It’s a great entry point if you want to know more about transgender issues and why anti-trans legislation and sentiment is so damaging. I plan to give it to anyone I know who doesn’t know much, but is the least bit open to learning. The parents in this book come from a place of knowing almost nothing about transgender issues, and the reader gets to walk with them as they learn. Also just a beautiful story and inspiring parenting manual. Very well done!
January 9, 2023
A Girlhood by Carolyn Hays
~~~~~
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 4 stars
Pub Date 19 Jan 2023
#AGirlhood #NetGalley
Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan for providing me with an e-copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
~~~~~
Carolyn Hays' letter to her transgender daughter, a child who has always known exactly who she is; others just needed to catch up.
~~~~~
Written under a nom de plume to protect her family and the identity of her daughter, Carolyn Hays recounts how she and her family supported her daughter through her transition. Carolyn is very honest and admits she and her husband made mistakes at first, did not fully understand what their daughter was going through and what it would mean for their family.
One day, they received a visit from Child Protection Services; they had been reported by one of their neighbours who was concerned that they were dressing their child in girls clothes and "forcing their child to be homosexual." Carolyn also acknowledges her privilege as a white, married, educated, cisgender woman which put her at an advantage when faced with the real possibility of losing her daughter.
This book is full of fierce love, not just motherly love from Carolyn, but from the entire family who loves and accepts this child, unconditionally and simply for who she is (which is, sadly, not always a given for transgender kids.) It was really interesting learning about the steps the family took to protect their youngest child, such as moving to a completely different state, not only to be closer to supportive family, but because that state had anti-discriminatory laws that meant her daughter would be more accepted and protected.
If I have one criticism of this book is that it got a little repetitive towards the end but overall, this was such a powerful and compelling memoir and I highly recommend it.
~~~~~
~~~~~
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 4 stars
Pub Date 19 Jan 2023
#AGirlhood #NetGalley
Thank you to NetGalley and Pan Macmillan for providing me with an e-copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
~~~~~
Carolyn Hays' letter to her transgender daughter, a child who has always known exactly who she is; others just needed to catch up.
~~~~~
Written under a nom de plume to protect her family and the identity of her daughter, Carolyn Hays recounts how she and her family supported her daughter through her transition. Carolyn is very honest and admits she and her husband made mistakes at first, did not fully understand what their daughter was going through and what it would mean for their family.
One day, they received a visit from Child Protection Services; they had been reported by one of their neighbours who was concerned that they were dressing their child in girls clothes and "forcing their child to be homosexual." Carolyn also acknowledges her privilege as a white, married, educated, cisgender woman which put her at an advantage when faced with the real possibility of losing her daughter.
This book is full of fierce love, not just motherly love from Carolyn, but from the entire family who loves and accepts this child, unconditionally and simply for who she is (which is, sadly, not always a given for transgender kids.) It was really interesting learning about the steps the family took to protect their youngest child, such as moving to a completely different state, not only to be closer to supportive family, but because that state had anti-discriminatory laws that meant her daughter would be more accepted and protected.
If I have one criticism of this book is that it got a little repetitive towards the end but overall, this was such a powerful and compelling memoir and I highly recommend it.
~~~~~
March 31, 2024
i have not been moved to tears by a book in a very long time, but this one got me. quite a few times.
this one is absolutely impeccable; i don’t think my review is even remotely going to do it justice here, but i’ve got to give it a go. this book took me quite a while to get through (by my standards of late), but i’d say this is largely due to the intensely relatable, often unpleasant themes and subject matter regularly discussed here. it’s not always a happy, or pleasant book, but now i can fully agree that this is one of the most love-filled novels i’ll ever encounter. like i said, this one made me cry.
i just think it’s incredibly powerful, and it’s 1000% something i wish i could thrust at my parents, and make them engage with these sentiments and understand my struggles, with words i’ve otherwise never been able to muster. it means so much to me. it makes me pray for a nicer future - who knows ?
this one is absolutely impeccable; i don’t think my review is even remotely going to do it justice here, but i’ve got to give it a go. this book took me quite a while to get through (by my standards of late), but i’d say this is largely due to the intensely relatable, often unpleasant themes and subject matter regularly discussed here. it’s not always a happy, or pleasant book, but now i can fully agree that this is one of the most love-filled novels i’ll ever encounter. like i said, this one made me cry.
i just think it’s incredibly powerful, and it’s 1000% something i wish i could thrust at my parents, and make them engage with these sentiments and understand my struggles, with words i’ve otherwise never been able to muster. it means so much to me. it makes me pray for a nicer future - who knows ?
April 28, 2023
I hope one day I’ll be able to express my love for my children so eloquently. This letter is what it means to be a mother in the face of fear & adversity. Fierce, powerful, loving and vulnerable. I really enjoyed this. I liked the authors self awareness and how often she acknowledges the privilege her family benefits from even in a dangerous state. It was a little repetitive and a bit all over the place but I didn’t so much mind that, it read like an outpouring of love with some educating for the reader. Which I suppose is maybe a bit confusing. Overall I felt the “adoration drilled into each page”.
June 14, 2023
ok i took some time to actually review this because i wasn’t sure how to feel. the writing is very powerful and this book is very important… just not for me. this book is for parents of transgender kids, maybe even transgender kids themselves, but i didn’t really have anything to gain for it as a person. as someone pursuing family law? yes absolutely amazing to see the parents perspectives in potential cases i make take on in the future, especially in florida. but if i were a casual cisgender person looking for books on the transgender experience, i would look elsewhere to transgender authors. then i would read this book after.
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