More Than Words: The Science of Deepening Love and Connection in Any Relationship

by John Howard, Stan Tatkin (Foreword)

Increase intimacy, connection, and love with this “critical” (Vanessa Van Edwards, bestselling author of The Science of Succeeding with People), science-based guide to creating meaningful and lasting relationships.

When it comes to building a better relationship with your partner, touch and connection matter so much more than the words that you say. And author and therapist John Howard is here to tell us why.

More Than Words shows you how to deepen love and connection in any relationship based on the latest cutting-edge research in interpersonal neurobiology, trauma-informed healing, attachment theory, and many more scientific fields. This “brilliant guide” (Diane Poole-Heller, PhD, author of The Power of Attachment) explains why verbal communication may not elicit the connection you seek and offers ways to practice and form new habits that can nurture love, care, safety, comfort, and passion in relationships.

Science shows that these techniques work, but most people don’t know them yet. You can start using these techniques today to increase intimacy and emotional connection in your closest relationships.

Mindful of all the needs of the modern individual, More Than Words is inclusive of LGBTQ+, polyamorous, and other nontraditional committed relationships and ultimately looks to elevate the way we strengthen the most important bonds in our lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Psychology, Science, Personal Growth, Health

265 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2022

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a simple thesis: we sometimes over-index on communicating when what we are actually trying to do is connect. The vast majority of human connection is non-verbal; our brains instinctively notice touch, tone, body language, eye contact, proximity, and speed of response, all of which might override the literal words we hear. It’s a powerful framing to bear in mind while navigating difficult conversations, where focusing on process and not content might serve us best. I appreciated that the book was inclusive of different relationship types, and I liked that there’s a cheat sheet of important concepts to remember at the end. I’ve been working through this one for a little while now and have already felt it to be very powerful and relevant to life! Definitely recommended.

[Chad E Spilman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading how to improve my connection in friendships, relationships, and others. How I speak, my body language, how much I say all plays a role in how well I can connect with others. I will be trying to practice using these principles and see how well it works.

[Mintaute · Rating 4 out of 5]

Faina, parašyta su šiluma, praktiška, apimanti įvairias žmogiškas patirtis (labai patiko, kad pavyzdžiai yra ne tik iš heteroseksualių porų gyvenimo). Keletas išsineštų minčių:
a) process over content - svarbiau ną ką komunikuojate, bet kaip;
b) geresnis emocijų valdymas, rodymas, raiška ir gyvenimas su jomis yra išmokstama patirtis. Kiekviena(s) tai gali padaryti, jei tik nori. Bet reikia norėti patirti, pažinti ir suprasti kitą žmogų. Jei noro nėra - nieko ir nebus;
c) pats žmogus yra atsakingas už savo poreikių komunikavimą tinkamu turiniu ir tinkama forma. Niekas negali skaityti kitų minčių ir jausmų, net ir būdamas pats empatiškiausias žmogus pasaulyje. Tiesa, empatija rocks. Su ja bus viskas fainiau ir tau ir kitiems šalia.
Laukiu kada bus lietuviškai - dovanosiu kiekvienai mylimai porai (kurie myli ir knygas) :)

[Clara Haddock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. What do I say? I'm going to have to read this one a second time back-to-back because it was just that good. "More than Words" is couple's therapy without spending hundreds or thousands of dollars! Clear, specific approaches with real life examples to help you and your partner (or friend, or family member...) create a closer bond. The emphasis throughout the entire book is to prioritize connection over communication, which sounds backwards at first, but when put into practice it is the most effective approach.

I can't help but to feel like if I had read this book years ago then my relationships would have been so much more fulfilling, healthy, and longer lasting. John Howard spoon fed me exactly what I needed to hear to come at relationships from a new perspective. For my next read through I am going to take more notes and practice with the people in my life.

[MookNana · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is relatable, useful advice for how to develop and maintain an intimate, connected relationship. The ideas and principles are well-documented, but they also feel intuitively right--they organize and put into words things many of us have felt but maybe couldn't quite articulate. The examples help readers see real-life applications of the concepts and many types of relationships are represented. The suggested exercises are helpful and seem realistically do-able. This would be a great read for anyone looking to deepen their existing relationships or even just invest in their own emotional intelligence in preparation for future relationships.

Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review!

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very practical and straightforward guide to understanding the importance of connection in all aspects of our lives. It gives a lot of exercises that can be used to deepen relationships of all kinds, not just romantic relationships, even though primary partnerships are the main focus. A lot of the advice and exercises may feel like common sense or overly simplistic, but as the book points out, the feeling of connection is frequently lost over time and especially during times of great stress (such as we have all experienced in the last two years) and this book is the reminder that it is time for everyone to focus again on our daily interactions to build the skills necessary to tackle the larger social issues we are facing.

[Kanihilation · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be a required read before someone joins a dating app.

I could not love this book more. Incredibly insightful and useful. Includes actual growth and learning opportunities anyone can do for any relationship. If you’re reading this comment and wondering if this book is worth your time then yes, it most definitely is worth it. It has opened my eyes and taught me so much on communication, non verbal
communication, overcoming anxiety (I had mind blowing moments of realization on why my thoughts went out the door when I talk to someone), and everything under the rainbow when it comes to chemicals, how the mind works in a social setting, and even how in the world to understand the dating life. My favorite part is how readable it is and how even though it can sometimes go in-depth with science info - that it’s still completely interesting and understandable.

💯❤️

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

A potentially life-changing book for anyone, like me, who spends a lot of time with books and is more comfortable, sometimes, with them, than with our fellow humans. We have been taught for years that in relationships, communication is key. Howard's first insight is that connection is more important than communication. He makes that case very persuasively. And then he gives you all sorts of ways to connect with other humans. Start there, and don't neglect the exercises, and watch your relationships blossom.

[Greg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good exercises, tons of research, overall a very good book. He does tend to repeat himself and explain some basic concepts over and over again, so I feel like the book could've been a bit shorter with perhaps more examples and exercises. However I still gave it 4 stars because it did make me think and a lot of what he mentioned has appeared in my relationships and the way I handled them was not always the best way.

[starryboy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book, it had a nice flow to it where eveyrthing was split up to be more digestible with a consistent pattern of breaking down the concepts, practises and providing examples. Though I feel like more examples could've been included on some chapters with more phrases, More Than Words is a great book that helped me learn how I can practise deepening my connections in relationships that I plan on integrating slowly bit by bit :-)

[Lane McLoud · Rating 3 out of 5]

After receiving this book and reading the author’s foreword, I chose not to read it. Instead I will pass it on in my Little Free Library.
This book is written like a term paper or thesis and has 15 pages of references!
Not for me.

[LBL · Rating 3 out of 5]

John Howard's bibliography alone is already greatly supporting my work-life (ex. citations about trauma; sense of belonging; mindfulness). An interview/podcast alerted me to the book, but after a quick read I do recommend just sticking with a quick listen.

[Hannah Faith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think most of this book is common sense practices told from a counselors perspective, but I’ll admit that there were a lot of things that made me pause and consider why I do things. This book makes you analyze and think!

[Lisa Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book started out GREAT, but then I felt like it kind of petered out. I absolutely agree that connection is more important than communication in relationships, though. Also, I really hated the typeset, I found it hard to read!

[Brennan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love reading about interpersonal connection, but I could not make it through this book. The book was very dry. I also had a really hard time with the formatting of this text down to the font. The author sought after a valuable goal, but not as engaging as I would have like.

[Michelle Jarc · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t really get much out of this book…nothing new or intriguing. Just a lot of common sense (insert shoulder shrug here).

[Rhiannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting read with new concepts that I had not thought of previously.

[Rebecca Pierzchala · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many lightbulb moments while reading this!

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

183:2022

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to on audiobook. This book is so good, Informative with exercises throughout. Will be adding to my bookshelf as one to refer back to.

[Darby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really liked this - very practical.

[Maria Chagaris · Rating 4 out of 5]

for a BIG fiction love girl this book might convert me. typically never reach for the personal growth types of books but i think this is a must read. really makes you think

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some parts of this felt repetitive, but there were other parts where he explained the science or said something so well that I was highlighting entire sections. Definitely worth the read.

[Rob Howes · Rating 3 out of 5]

passable

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, its focus, and its advice. The image of relationships presented is one of people aspiring to lovingly and effectively care for each other. Some of the "connection versus communication" topics can be difficult for me as I highly value "shared attention on concepts", and I wish for more than just connection in my relationships. Yet, perhaps those are better explored from a place of connection 🤓🤭.

I really like the idea of developing a practice culture where we're explicit about practicing relational skills. And I note that I've exhibited less enthusiasm for this in the guise of "practicing for a lecture". Maybe I'll do some transfer learning 🤓.

The main focus is generally on fostering the connection as a baseline, being fully present without a sense of rushing at least a bit regularly, working together, focusing on maintaining a comfortable process while conveying the content, honoring emotions, and aiming to not mix words of affirmation with practical distractions.

To an extent, reading More Than Words felt like receiving a bunch of advice as to how to do what I already try to do ;- D.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

In More Than Words, John Howard synthesizes neuroscience research and his own extensive experience in couples counseling to deliver a powerful message about the value of care and connection in relationships. The book provides room for reflection and invites readers into a deeper, more intentional approach to everyday interactions. I loved the idea of developing a "practice culture" by putting words into actions, listening well, and incorporating feedback.

There are certain practices and concepts that may seem like common sense, but Howard effectively articulates these ideas and draws meaningful connections between them. I did, however, find the book to be a bit repetitive at times, and felt like many subsections lacked a logical flow within each chapter. I also wished that the book had been broken up with more examples and client case studies to see how certain practices play out in real life.

[Jules · Rating 1 out of 5]

Seems a bit out of touch with the author trying to generalize the A-list and wealthy clients he works with. I also expected more practical info.