暈船診療室：解決現代人的數位愛情焦慮，辨識渣男，已讀不回是上好的測試劑！

by Candice Jalili, 凱蒂思．佳莉莉, 謝慈 (Translator)

　　．只想搞一夜情（上床也是上船），卻意外沉了船（愛上了對方）。
　　．認真觀看他的限時動態，還截圖傳給閨蜜分析！
　　．對方隨口提起自己的小事，你就「他好像對我有意思！」（還沒上船你就暈了)
　　．傳給他的訊息，已讀，卻不回……我們現在到底是什麼關係？

　　你有以上症狀嗎？你很可能得了「暈船症候群」：
　　「雙方在情感上認知不一，卻又無法馬上脫離關係」的狀態。
　　你是否也曾為了某人暈船？或根本還沒上船，就已沉了船？（失戀ing）

　　作者凱蒂思（CandiceJalili），為《柯夢波丹》、《時代》雜誌專欄作家，
　　年輕時的她就曾為了「算不上男朋友」的男人，
　　讓自己從一個（相對）正常的人，變成充滿焦慮緊張的生物。

　　「我的大頭貼會不會不夠性感？」
　　「在社群軟體追蹤他的前任甚至前前任」
　　「故意拖很久才回對方訊息，只為了假裝自己根本不在乎……」
　
　　凱蒂思以過來人的經驗告訴你：
　　你的心意，不說，他真的不會懂，所以
　　你要把心裡的訊息真實的送出，不要害怕已讀不回，
　　這樣，懂你、愛你的人遲早會出現。

　　◎數位約會的焦慮與誤解

　　‧各種軟體讓人交友快，刪友更快，所以已經沒人想要一段穩定的關係？
　　錯，66%使用交友軟體的單身者都願意接受穩定的關係。

　　‧社群網站就是免費的徵信社？
　　錯，頻繁檢視對方的限時動態只會把你逼瘋，
　　如果你出現了本書列舉的暈船現象，最好還是先停用一陣子……。

　　◎暈船總是難免，但這些人你真的不必等

　　‧老是在凌晨三點溫柔的發訊息問你：「睡了嗎？」
　　──先別暈，他是同時在群組裡發這種暖男訊息的玩咖。

　　‧剛認識就對你瘋狂示愛
　　──這個人只是想做愛；別犯傻到立馬跳上船（床）。

　　‧寧可花五分鐘解釋為什麼遲到，就是不願向妳道歉
　　──這種人就是個藉口製造機，千錯萬錯都是別人的錯。

　　‧想跟他被人看成一對，但他永遠回：「我還沒準備好談感情」
　　──跟這種人在一起，就是死路一條，不會有未來的。

　　我們會告訴你10種「如果他已讀不回，也無須傷心」的渣男類型，
　　和如何立馬脫身的最好方式。

　　◎萬一，妳真的被一個好男人拒絕了

　　「我不夠好、沒有人會愛我、或許只要堅持夠久，他就會回心轉意……」
　　被拒絕並不丟臉，這只說明在這段關係中，你們想要的不一樣，
　　而且，學會「被拒絕」正是你日後擺脫暈船症候群的關鍵！

　　暈船症候群，現代人最常見的戀愛情緒，
　　辨識渣男，已讀不回是上好的測試劑！

本書特點

　　傳給他的訊息，已讀，卻不回……我們現在到底是什麼關係？
　　10種「如果他已讀不回，也無須傷心」的渣男類型。

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　　諮商心理師、愛情教練／瑪那熊
　　YouTuber & 作家／SKimmy 你的網路閨蜜

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Mental Health, Audiobook

288 pages, Paperback

First published February 2, 2021

About the author

Candice Jalili is an Iranian American writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, The Cut, Rolling Stone, Elite Daily, and more. Candice lives in New York City with her husband, where she is a convenient walk away from her cousins and childhood best friend. She grew up in the Bay Area and spends hours of her days FaceTiming her parents there.

Reviews

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

So… I’m not going to lie, this reads like an elongated Cosmopolitan article. The content is HIGHLY targeted to straight women in their twenties, uses excessive internet/texting acronyms, and repeatedly demonstrates what not to do via a fictional “Eunice” character (spoiler alert: THIS GIMMICK GETS OLD FAST).

The author’s message is fully encapsulated in the title and I’m not sure further reading is necessary. The tone is kind of flippant and I am suspect of the advice given. While it can be freeing to express how you feel about someone and it is important to value your own time, I felt like the author encourages people to come on too strong too soon in many instances. A lot of dating research shows that “playing the game” (e.g., not being too available, not getting caught up too fast) actually generates interest and is more likely to lead to a relationship, as frustrating as that reality is. Honestly, I can see both points of view here. However, I will always distrust a book that specifically recommends ghosting someone!

If there is any silver lining, the author does include numerous examples of how to reframe our negative thoughts about dating into more balanced and healthy perspectives.

[Matt Powers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book! Candice has a great outlook on modern dating and a positive approach to being more open and intentional in your love life. I especially loved the stories about singles who are living their best life. This book helps you learn to trust you instincts more, open up to new dating possibilities and stop letting the fear of rejection get in your way.

[Richard Carilo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Critical Score: 4
Personal Score: 4
Total Score: 8

2023 Update: Solid reread... hit a little harder this go around (?)

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

just send the text to whom?? the mid dudes in Bonn?? not exactly thriving here

[Catharina Kremer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun how to guide for the anxious attachment girlies. Hope to find one for avoidant types too in a similar style though.

[Ariana · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were some really golden moments in this book. And a few pressure points - but in the best way possible!

[Elizabeth Plunkett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just Send the Text by Candice Jalili is a fun examination of modern dating. Jalili delves into playing hard to get, the game and how this plays out over time throughout this conversational how to. The goal being to put aside any fronts or games and lay it all out there for good or bad. Jalili gives examples from friends and social media followers which she juxtaposes with a fictional standin for the reader named Eunice. Eunice is meant to sketch out all the of the bad habits we pick up in dating from social media stalking to pretending to like a guys hobbies and show a way to be happier by not sweating it. Throughout the book Jalili cites several studies showing the alarming impact these actions can have.

[Rukhsar (rukhsandbooks) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall an okay read. Normally I criticize these kinds of books noting that they should have remained a blog or a series of magazine articles but this book was compiled and structured well (at least compared to others I have read). The book definitely had some solid points but the repetitive and sometimes choppy writing style didn't work for me despite the collection of interesting points. I also felt like some of the examples didn't quite work with the point or theory being discussed. Also apparently, everyone is Jalili's "friend".

Another repetitive factor that irked me was the use of "with that number jumping up to... for ages 18-34" stats. The differences in percentages were often small and in the grand scheme of things it's possible those differences weren't even statistically significant. It would have been more effective if the specific stats were only shared for major differences to really make an impact and show their value. I have to say, between the pages of 1-208 annoyance with this sentence structure jumped up to 100!

I'm not sure I'd recommend this book. If you're sitting in a waiting room and it is the only content around then sure, skim through it, but given COVID I doubt you'll have the waiting room opportunity/experience. That being said, I did use the beginning of this book to convince my friend to text a girl he likes.

[Guppy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really basic advice and I've heard all of it before! that said, I found it surprisingly helpful as a reminder, and the vast majority of the book spoke to my experiences in dating. I'll likely recommend this book to others, but I'll do it low key and coyly because it feels like a silly book to have to read as a 30 year old child.

[Mariagiulia · Rating 3 out of 5]

A metà tra un saggio e un self-help book sui downside del modern dating e sulle sue ripercussioni psicologiche. Una lettura piacevole ma leggera e tendenzialmente superficiale, nonostante i diversi studi riportati che non riescono più di tanto a portare valore aggiunto.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's not groundbreaking, but its okay.

[Sarah Burton · Rating 5 out of 5]

SO helpful and validating. I didn’t expect much from this book but it was really relevant and encouraging as well.

[ckm · Rating 5 out of 5]

是在失戀時看，會稍為打起精神的書。

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just Send the Text by Candice Jalili is a must read for 2021!! I loved this book so much!!! It was really the best way to start of 2021. As a single young woman living in NYC, this book really helped me gain the confidence I needed. It makes me feel so empowered to read and Candice's advice is amazing. Just in time for valentine's day too....highly recommend!! 5 stars!!!

[Rita Cardeira · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finally a book that creates awareness of how people become self-conscious about having "the talk" in a relationship, about fear of rejection and how people sometimes create a persona to impress other people who we're hooking up with, or something, and how wrong that is. We should never be afraid or pretend to enjoy stuff we don't, just to make other person like us, because they will never like the real version of ourselves. And that person we create is just a demonstration of how fearful we are of being rejected by someone, and that we all just need to be aware of who we truly are, and be confident about that and our values.
Totally recommend, such an easy read, and very women power-ish.

[Lindsay Kaye Venable · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for Younger Singles

I recommend this for younger singles (those in their 20s or early 30s), especially those who have a hard time with dating anxiety or feeling like they have to be somebody else. This book really emphasizes authenticity.

[lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

i read this book over a year ago, but i honestly think this book changed my life in a way.

[GleeGMJournal · Rating 1 out of 5]

Did not finish

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book...
I really did like the overall message of the book. I thought there was a lot of really good content and advice and I've actually found it helpful in my own life and I plan to keep referring it until I become more comfortable with dating. I really can't re-iterate this enough, I think the message of this book is so so good, something I truly agree with and want to be more myself.
However,
There was lots of statistics continuously referred to in this book from a YouGov survey they did, and to be honest the results just weren't thatr significant. Especially it was continuously say 'and jumping to __ percent for 18-34 year olds' and it really wasn't that big a difference and really made me roll my eyes a lot. They really should have cut a lot of that out. I think a lot of the things they used to make the book seem more 'scientific' and 'researched' was absolutely garbage. The only bit that I did find useful is this short interview they did was a professor called Josephs, I though that was really interesting and useful.
There was also a lot of referring to this 'Eunice' character and it just got so old so fast it was really annoying. I think they were also trying too hard to make the book 'fun' by using slang and text speak throughout it and I found it so grating.
All that being said I'm still rating the book 4 stars. I honestly think its a worthwhile book for anyone with dating anxieties, the messaging is very useful and I truly plan (and have started!) using the teachings from it.

[Celeste Loia · Rating 4 out of 5]

For all of my anxious girlies out there consulting the group chat on how to respond to texts, checking if he watched your Insta story, or too afraid to tell him what you really want...this one is for you.

Lots of anecdotal stories shared (not just from the author), so if that's not your vibe, I'd probably skip the read.

"Who cares if they don't like me? I like me."

"On a basic human level, we all know that the scariest part of getting rejected isn't the possibility of losing the person rejecting us. No, the scariest part of getting rejected is the possibity that the rejection will break us. The idea that this person is going to deem us unworthy and that we're going to believe their assessment."

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was really cute!

its filled with little lists and illustrations that broke up the blocks of text. I would say that as someone who does struggle with anxiety around dating, I don't think I read a whole lot in here that I don't already know, but doesn't mean it wasn't an enjoyable read and a good reminder to put yourself out there.

3 stars!

*disclaimer* I did receive this arc as part of a giveaway but that in no way impacts the review.

[Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written to absolute perfection, offering thorough research backed by statistical data. Jalili discusses the most pertinent issues of modern dating, addressing an array of problems and setbacks for women and men, young and old, single and in relationships. I can’t recommend this book enough and what a positive effect it had on my mental health. Do you yourself a favor and let this book give you the confidence you may not even know you needed!

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked this book in terms of feeling empowered to be yourself. However the author relied very heavily on a survey of 254 women as evidence for what women do and experience. I’m not a statistician but that feels like such a small sample to me. I appreciate the use of evidence and also personal stories and I understand because I’ve experienced it too, but the heavy reliance on that survey was a sticking point for me.

[D · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is book is best for someone who is actually dating & currently texting during dating. I think it gave some good practical advice on the bigger picture of dating. It tells you to be authentic from the beginning, so that your relationship has the best chance of being right for each other. It was a little sophomoric in its delivery & use of current lingo, but I think this was written for people in their 20’s.

[Maggie Scanlon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book in two days after hearing Candice talk on Girls Gotta Eat Podcast. She gives great advice pulling from her own experience and others that she interviewed for the book. I loved that she always reinforced the idea that this book is NOT about "getting the guy" but it's about female empowerment and taking the anxiety out of dating.

[Mary Popoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finished in one sitting and thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes some of it was cliched dating advice but cliches are cliches for a reason…because they’re TRUE and we all need reminders of those truths sometimes. It really was so refreshing, felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, one that i know i am not carrying alone! So many people go through this exhausting shit! I’m not crazy!

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This modern dating guide certainly used lots of "millennial speak", which I found awkward, endearing, and amusing in equal parts. Much of the book consists of self-empowerment language that can certainly be overdone, but I think the core message is worth understanding.

[Alexa Hines · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a fun book on modern dating!! I felt much calmer knowing there were other ladies out there that felt the same way I did about dating, boys and “what-ifs”. I loved diving into Candice’s steps and feel confident and ready for the future.

[Jacqueline · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED THIS BOOK. Honestly, as an anxious girly I am going to use this advice for all relationships and social interactions and not just to dating. Candice has really great advice while also conveying that she understands that it is easier said than done.

[B · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone single or in a new relationship. It was fun and easy to digest and just perfect.