Tell Me What You Want: A Therapist and Her Clients Explore Our 12 Deepest Desires

by Charlotte Fox Weber

For fans of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and Tiny Beautiful Things, this behind-closed-doors exploration from an acclaimed psychotherapist of the twelve fundamental psychological needs we all share “provides a road map of how one might approach their own transformation by becoming willing to admit their deepest desires” (Christie Tate, New York Times bestselling author).

What do we want? And how do we get it?

Chloe is beautiful and fiercely bright, but she feels desperately deprived. Elliot, lost and adrift, is secretly grieving the loss of his famous lover. Rosie has always tried to follow the rules of cultural expectations, but a year into her marriage, she still hasn’t had sex with her husband. Dwight is determined to be upbeat, even in the face of his wife’s betrayal.

Each of us, at certain moments in our lives, can feel lost or confused. We often don’t know how to get what we want, but we share some universal to love and be loved; understanding, power, attention, freedom; to create, to belong, to win, to connect, to control; and we want what we shouldn’t. In each of these twelve chapters, focused on one of these desires, psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber takes you behind closed doors of her therapy sessions as she guides clients towards startling insights and profound change.

With a warm and compassionate voice, Weber blends dramatic and moving personal stories with careful research in this “brilliant and wise” (The Times, London) guide to living well that will stay with you long after you turn the final page.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Relationships, Love, Audiobook

310 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 4, 2022

About the author

"I grew up in Connecticut and Paris, and went to the University of Bristol, where I studied English and Philosophy. I did my psychotherapy training at the Tavistock & Portman Trust, the Institute of Psychoanalysis, WPF, and Regent’s University. I founded The School of Life Psychotherapy in 2015, and now I work in private practice. I’m also a writer."

Reviews

[Ugnė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Per visas knygos dalis galima pajusti, kokia būna psichoterapinio pokyčio įvairovė - kartais pakeisti savo elgesį, lūkesčius, įpročius atrodo sunku, kartais tai įvyksta netikėtai, kartais paaiškėja, kad visai ne tai nori keisti, ką garsiai įvardinai atėjęs/usi, o kartais ilgai lauktas pokytis nuvilia, nes kažkas tame ankstesniame, sulaužytame gyvenime įkvėpdavo gyvybės. Man tokios istorijos patinka, nes jos primena, kad mūsų pačių gyvenimai nėra iki galo suplanuojami ir sukontroliuojami, o dauguma mūsų pasirinkimų yra kaip to karžygio kryžkelėje - visur reikės kažką prarasti.

Mes visi tarpusavyje panašesni nei kartais tikimės ar bijom - čia kita tema, kurią pasiėmiau iš knygos. Galima nutolti nuo kitų iš gėdos ar tariamo ypatingumo, tačiau tai nekeičia paties fakto, kad būti žmogumi reiškia ir tai, kad savo prigimtimi ir viskuo, kas iš jos išeina, esi kaip kiti.

[Daphne De · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and got me to see the beauty of therapy.

[Dara · Rating 5 out of 5]

So now books are setting high ass standards not only for men but for therapists as well??? smh

If you read one therapy-related/self-help book in your life, let it be this one.

The best book of 2023 for me so far, on to the favorites shelf it goes.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 rounded up

Another book to add to canon of books by medical professionals in which they regale the stories of patients through which they are able to draw on and discuss wider life lessons and conclusions -- think Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed, Love's Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy, The Skeleton Cupboard: Stories From a Clinical Psychologist, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor and Do No Harm: Stories of Life, Death and Brain Surgery. I've read a fair few books of this type now (they're not always my thing but sometimes the mood takes me!) and this one was engaging whilst not really bringing anything new to the table.

The most enjoyable parts for me were where Charlotte Fox Weber focuses on specific patients (clients?) and their different problems - like you were a fly on the wall during their psychotherapy session. The more general sections which prefaced these parts felt way too general and like they didn't add much to the narrative. I didn't really buy in to the made up words (many of these related to the twelve "desires" of the title), which just felt a bit cringe-y - but I guess this is just down to my personal opinion/preference.

Thank you Netgalley and Headline for the advance copy, which was provided in exchange for an honest review.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Happy to have read this one. Some chapters were phenomenal. love these kind of books, but they never quite shine as bright as Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottleib.

[Cécilie-Anne Roux · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and transformative, What We Want takes the reader on a journey that changes how you see yourself and others in the best way. It’s a gripping book that’s easy to follow and the stories are riveting and hold your attention. Best book I’ve read in years. I want more by this author. It’s like I’m finally understood. I understand relationships with more clarity and it’s interesting on every page.

[Sophie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it

[Arun Verma · Rating 5 out of 5]

📚 𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬.

We have some deepest desires that we hide it from everyone and some desires we are not even aware of, ignoring them can affect our life and whatever we do.

The book encourages you to know and accept your desires. It helps you get in touch with your own depths, to accept what you’re hiding from others and from yourself and through awareness, to get closer to finding your true desired path forward.

The author is a psychotherapist. She shares stories of her clients to make you better understand about these desires. By reading these real stories of people I came to realise how these deep desires and secrets affects us and the people around us. It gives you a good understanding of your own desires and how to acknowledge them so that you won’t get driven by them.

We live in an enticing world where we desire almost everything. Hence, it becomes important to have a better understanding about these desires.

[Dalton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is awesome! It’s gripping to read and showed me how I can easily make life better. It also helped me understand other people. Reading this is way more fun than the therapy I’ve had and it shines a light on the power of desires. This is the best depiction of therapy I’ve ever read. Desires from this book should be part of therapy discussions. I’m recommending it to everyone I know, including my mother, brother and therapist.

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're looking for a book that gives you answers, this is not the book for you. If you are, however, looking to feel seen and understood, I would highly recomend reading "Tell Me What You Want". I think we can all relate to a lot of these desires Weber writes about. In reading this, I think this book has helped me to be a better client as well as therapist.

[hailey · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful and engaging read. I truly enjoyed the client's stories and authentic human experiences that we all could learn from.

[Alyson Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book- relatable and easy to read. 12 chapters outlining 12 different human desires which are all accompanied by the author’s clients personal stories

[Pete · Rating 3 out of 5]

a much required moral recalibration with solid, valuable insight, in particular when encouraging the acknowledgment of wants that - at least personally - i’ve come to believe were irresponsible (ego, competition, attention) while also keeping more "virtuous" wants in check. in that sense, i had many moments of constructive reflection while reading.

i'm frustrated knowing that i could have gained more from this book were it not for its flaws: the bookends of each chapter that crammed loosely-related maxims together in a rushed, overwhelming flow, the continual interruption of story to search the glossary for clunky portmanteaus with meaning only for author and/or her clients, her candour concerning her clients which - while intriguing - was often disturbing for how she positioned herself amidst harsh portrayals of people in vulnerable states.

overall, i am somewhat inspired - not enough to warrant reading a 350-page book, but neither am i so dissatisfied to regret it.

[Lina Palevičienė · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knyga siaip sau, tokia rodos neisbaigta, bet vertimas 10 balu :)

[justjulijack · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone who has been in therapy for 10 years, …mid

[Marymetobooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating look at psychotherapy, presented through the eyes of a therapist. The author opens the door to actual therapy sessions, recounting the conversations, the issues, and the insights.

She helps her clients to recognize that deep desires linger behind whatever issue they are struggling with. Understanding the desire allows them to reframe the situation and indicates the path towards action, acceptance, and happiness.

The book is structured as an exploration of twelve desires held to some degree by everyone. These are the longings, either known or subconscious, which inevitably either make or break us as humans.

Nearly everyone struggles with at least one of these desires, such as love, power, attention, and freedom. But the commonality of our yearnings belies the uniqueness of our individual circumstances. And untangling the web of facts and feelings that mask our desires is a formidable task. The author illustrates some of the approaches that have been effective for those she counsels.

The clients she uses as examples in the book are not all lovable, especially at first glance. Some are engaged in activities, or at least in thoughts of activities, that are not admirable. But the author/therapist shows us their humanity and offers explanations for how and why they became who they are.

By questioning, challenging, and educating, she guides each client to awareness of what they really want. The answer to this core question does not solve the problems, but shifts the perspective so that new solutions can present themselves. (Although sometimes the answer for the client is just to find a way to live through a difficult time.)

I wish that Charlotte Fox Weber were my therapist. She is intelligent and compassionate. She is honest and kind and completely accepting. And she uses insight to banish shame.

She also is generous enough to increase our understanding by admitting her own mistakes. There are times when she makes the wrong assumption or misinterprets what someone is trying to tell her. She has found herself inadvertently pursuing her own goals rather than what is best for her client. Yes, she likes some clients more than others. And have you ever wondered if therapists find their minds wandering as you tell a long story? They try not to, but yes, they do.

I highly recommend this book. It is perfect for those who enjoyed “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” or “Group”. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️, available on April 22, 2023.

My thanks to the author, to Atria Books, and to NetGalley for providing me with an advance copy of this book.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hear me out - this is ultimately enjoyable and kind of fun. I had a couple thoughts provoked but nothing revolutionary.

I like books like this bc they act as a reminder that we are all just human beans with different experiences but the same feelings at one point or another.

I did really like that this therapist is far from perfect and it felt mostly honest when she shared her experiences. Do I feel like we really dived into 12 "deep desires" with these stories? Not in any meaningful way but that's OK with me, the stories and the issues that came up were interesting enough. It was fun to see where I related either in coping strategies or issues that the patients were experiencing.

THAT being said.... the first story almost made me DNF, but the author does not wax poetic about the other patients to nearly the same level. Also she's much more objective and when she does bring up her experiences as a therapist, I did think they were honest and therefore interesting.

The ending is not interesting to me but what else is new lol that might be a personal problem

[Renee Hanley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to mark this one as five stars!

Picked up from the library but I plan on purchasing. There were so many quotes I wish I could highlight, absorb, and remember!

There were a few spots within the entire book where I felt she was beating a dead horse - but I stand by the five because there was too much that hit close to home for me and this book really spoke to me.

Our self doubt, critical self-talk, view of ourselves, the way we get in our own way are all addressed. The paths we took that led us to where we are now, and where should we be on our life path to be truly fulfilled? Regardless of choices that got us to where we are - our future choices can keep us here if that’s where we want to be or we can change!

Did we choose our path based on our desires or societies expectations?

I love love love the intimate stories that provide examples and context for each desire, the way she packages up some topics we already know, and the way she guides our thinking as to how and what we could do better.

Think of it as a practical version of midnight library you can apply to your life today.

[Gina Kirby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC of "Tell Me What You Want".

I would rate this book a 3.5 out of 5 stars for a few reasons:

- I enjoyed the patient stories, but they did seem to drag on for a bit. I felt like the author could have used less words to get to the meat of the story a lot quicker. However, like I said, I did love each patient story. Each one was so different and, at the end of the day, it did relate well to each chapter topic.

- This might have just been an ARC issue, but the chapters looked really jumbled together in the ebook. No matter how I changed the spacing, font or font size, everything was pushed together. For me, that made it a smidge more difficult to read thoroughly (and quickly).

- I enjoyed the author's journey through each chapter. It's a really vulnerable look at patients, sure, it's also a dive into this specific therapist's mind with each patient. As a former student of psychology, I really appreciated the transparency.

Overall, a good read - just knocked it down a few stars for the above reasons!

[C · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lot of mixed feelings on this one. To start this book was a dread and a chore to get through. The writing is terrible which I think detracted from the messages a lot unfortunately. Occasionally some parts resonated with me and I was actively trying to apply some of her insights to my own life, but I think the author really failed to synthesize her own insights on each topic with her client stories. Sections often felt repetitive and insights felt shallow—I got so tired of literally every chapter saying over and over “we all experience [insert chapter name].”

[Madeline Van Husen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quality book - I really liked how the vignettes were divided. A good book both for people coming from the therapists perspective and those coming from a client perspective. She talks a lot about the therapeutic alliance and her approaches as a therapist that I found helpful. CW, one of the stories does discuss rape. One thing that bothered me was that she always commented if a client was attractive and usually this attractiveness was linked to thin white people.

[Olivia Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredible. It addresses so many common issues and things that crop up in life. I wish I could make everyone I know read this and do some self reflection on the topics covered and how to fix them. 5 stars

[Tara Cignarella · Rating 1 out of 5]

Best Aspect: A few paragraphs early on were informative.
Worst Aspect: So dull and not at all engaging the way each story was laid out or how it was written. Not sure but I could not get into most of it.
Recommend: No, this was a DNF before the half way point.

[Sekai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to this as an audiobook. I love a good pop psychology book and this was no exception. The author has a fantastic vocabulary so I learned so many new words! Really engaging, unique stories with strong, powerful themes.

[Cecilia Clarke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really read this for my professional life and it was helpful. She has an easy writing style and many of the case studies are illustrative and helpful to my work. Even if you’re not a therapist you might find this book interesting as it really is more universal in its lessons. And some of the cases make for very interesting stories.

[Siobhaan · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Kelly Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, highly recommend

[aggie · Rating 4 out of 5]

felt like a spinoff of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone — intimate, honest & filled with authentic human experiences we can all learn from.

[Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty fascinating to hear stories of people's incredibly complicated lives and relationships. The therapist frames it in the way of "things we most desire" and how those desire play into the mishaps and traumas. She seeks to find meaning or drive as to why some people think or act the way they do. It wasn't gripping for me, but definitely interesting.

[Anna McKenzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Throughout reading, I kept oscillating between "Wow I really need to go to a proper therapist like this" and then feeling like the things I'd want guidance on absolutely pale in comparison to some of the intense personal turmoils of the clients that are laid out in this book, and therefore am probably fine putting it off some more... eep!