The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken: A Memoir

by Aimee Lutkin

In this crackling, incisive blend of memoir and cultural reporting, one woman's quest to answer the question When can I say I'll be alone forever? leads her to explore the unprecedented rise of single adults, our society's pathologizing of loneliness, and the purpose of dating.

One evening, thirtysomething single writer Aimee Lutkin found herself at a dinner party surrounded by couples. When the conversation turned to her love life, Lutkin--who had dated on and (mostly) off for years--stated simply, I don't really know if I'm going to date anyone ever again. Some people are just alone forever. As her friends rushed to assure her that love comes when you least expect it and to recommend new dating apps, Lutkin wondered, Why, when there are more unmarried adults than ever before, is there so much pressure to couple up? Why is everyone so uncomfortable around single people? Why does it seem like your real life can't start until you meet The One? And is it possible to be single without being lonely?

Over the course of the next year, Lutkin set out to answer these questions and to see whether there really was some trick for escaping loneliness out there. She went on hundreds of dates; read the sociologists, authors, and relationship experts exploring singlehood and loneliness; dove into the wellness industrial complex; tossed it all aside to binge-watch Netflix and eat nachos; and probed the capitalist structures that make alternative family arrangements nearly impossible.

Chock-full of razor-sharp observations and poignant moments of vulnerability, The Lonely Hunter is a stirring account of one woman's experience of being alone and a revealing expose of our culture's deep biases against the un-coupled. Blazingly smart, insightful, and full of heart, this is a book for anyone determined to make, follow, and break their own rules.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Romance, Audiobook, Relationships, Sociology, Biography Memoir

354 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 8, 2022

Reviews

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess I'm going to have to write the book I want to read on this subject. The author and I might as well have been born in different centuries, rather than 25 years apart. Not one thing that she said resonated with me, aside from the "stigma" of being single, and her search for love has been a very very different journey from mine.

I'm sure there are readers in their 30s who will enjoy this book. It was a two-star book for me but I give it three stars because of that belief. It's a memoir about being lonely, sad, and sorry for yourself. Lots of suggestions to change (lose weight! get in shape! be nice to yourself!) so that someone can love you. I did not relate to the author at all (and in fact did not feel much patience with her). The final pages seemed to contain filler (about Covid, universal healthcare, incels, and how society can transform so people are less lonely) that felt like it existed to reach a certain page count. You can tell she is a blogger used to writing something even when she doesn't have anything to say.

I read an advance reader copy from Netgalley, and I was offered the chance to read the book by someone at Penguin Random House in exchange for an honest review. Thank you.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was only very partially what I expected and wanted to read. It was 90% memoir and 10% cultural analysis and I would've preferred that split to be at least 50/50. There were passages that were really relatable and wonderful, but I generally dislike memoirs, so the process of reading was arduous.

Also, the whole first chapter is incredibly anti-fat. It's glaringly obvious in a book that overall analyzes our culture's obsession with looks and dating, as well as points out various struggles of other marginalized people. Lutkin tries to critique diet culture, but no critique of diet culture is truly complete without centering fat people.

[Chantal Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a 31-year-old who has never experienced romantic love and is desperate to, I really needed this book. I loved it - it was tender, mind-expanding, and actually really funny as well. In between her own chronological experiences, Lutkin offers plenty of analysis about shifting cultural perspectives on marriage, sexual and non-sexual love, and monogamy - I didn't expect the book to go as deep into this as it did, but I'm really glad, because it was truly enlightening. Lutkin is also queer, and while I'm not queer myself (to my knowledge), I imagine a whole lot of people will find a lot to relate to in the book.

I would highly recommend 'The Lonely Hunter' for people in relationships as well as singletons. I already used it to spark a constructive conversation with my two best friends who are in long-term and loving relationships.

[Michelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Based on the title and back blurb, I hoped that I could learn about how to combat societal biases about heteronormative pressures in dating, relationships, and being single. Memoirs require self-reflection, historical/data-driven accounts, and/or learned experiences by definition. This wasn’t that. The subtitle “how our search for love is broken” and book blurb suggest some kind of scientific exploration…you know, with actual research. Not that either. Attempts to address issues of sex-positivity, BIPOC, COVID, and other diversity, equity, inclusion, and justice topics held tenuous relationships at best (and I’m being very generous) to the author’s online dating stories. The final chapter is just a name-drop of a bunch of other books, essays, etc., with no resolution, lessons learned, or movement forward. Instead of a memoir or anything resembling a book, I’m pretty convinced I just read some person’s diary that they wrote while drunk and sexually frustrated. I’m not sure whether I should blame the writer or editor or publisher. And now I want to drink.

[Bao Anh · Rating 2 out of 5]

girl, get over Adrian please

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book felt a little confused in its purpose to me, and this ended up affecting my enjoyment of it. It's listed as a memoir, but the subtitle (How Our Search for Love Is Broken) and the first and last section seemed more like non-fiction/research. I actually would have preferred this to be more of a nonfiction book than a memoir I think. At least a clearer lean in either direction would have been better.

As a consistently single person, I was really intrigued by Lutkin's premise for this book. Is it actually okay to be single? Or do we need to search for a partner even we're content being alone in order to fit with what society expects of us? The first and last section of the book were the most captivating to me - filled with research on loneliness, societal expectations and standards, and musings on questions about what it means to be a single person in the US. Where the book lost me were the the remaining in-between chapters where Lutkin describes her own dating (mis)adventures. I had a hard time relating to this quest to date a new person twice a week, and I often found myself opposed to some of Lutkin's choices. While this is a good sign (it means Lutkin was honest and open about her experience), it just left me feeling aggravated by her in some spots.

I wish the thesis she started out with - that it's perfectly acceptable to decide to remain single if that's what works for you - would have been acted on in the rest of the book. It would have felt so inspiring and revolutionary for her to write about her experience just accepting her singlehood instead of trying so hard to change it even though she suspected she'd end up alone anyway.

This did inspire me to add some nonfiction books on this topic to my TBR, but I can't say I was a fan of this one in particular.

*Free ARC provided by Netgalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review*

[dn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beginning was interesting, then got boring. Second half was great until the conclusion.

I mostly enjoyed the author’s personal anecdotes. This is billed as a memoir and that’s what I wanted to read about, and those are the parts I enjoyed. It was nice to get a very honest and, to me, realistic account of modern dating in a big city. The author strikes a good balance of portraying herself as likeable and flawed without getting self deprecating. She also gets real about what it’s like to be single for many years in a row, while constantly hearing that we’ll all eventually find the one.

I did not like the numerous pop-sciencey asides bringing in various statistics and studies about being lonely/in love/whatever. It was boring. The conclusion felt like when your teacher in highschool says to make the last paragraph of your essay contain a “why?”, as in, why is what you just said important? Unfortunately the conclusion felt incredibly disjointed from the rest of the book. It basically talked about the socioeconomic factors of the structural privileging of marriage and how we should basically give everyone healthcare/do better urban planning/ blah blah blah. It was completely disjointed from the author’s life (ie not memoir-y) and was ten pages of let’s do all this shit to change society, which felt unasked for. The ideas also weren’t super novel to me, although maybe someone who hadn’t come across them before would find it more compelling.

Overall the book is kind of random. I’m not mad I spent 20 bucks on it but I doubt I’ll reread it. Not a bad way to spend a few hours reading though.

[Kristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Lonely Hunter is a mix of memoir and research on the topic of loneliness in our current times. Aimee Lutkin is in her mid-thirties and thinks she will be alone for the rest of her life, as she sees more and more friends pair off, get married, and have children. After several years of not really dating, she jumps back into the online dating pool, setting a goal to go out at least two dates per week and see what happens. Interspersed in her search for love is her research on how loneliness is viewed by others and how dating has changed, as well as the en vogue term of "self care." While I did not rate this book highly for myself, I fully admit that I went into this book thinking it was something different than it ultimately was. I thought it would be more about being alone and how it is viewed, and acceptance of not needing a partner in order to be content with one's life, but this very much was about partnering off and being lonely, and adventures in dating. Lutkin's ways of going about dating were confusing to me-- she wanted a partner, but frequent dates she went on seemed to be with people in open relationships where she would not be the primary relationship. And none of them seemed to go anywhere. She tries to connect her experiences with data/science, but it is disjointed at times. And the concluding section in particular is all over the place, and I came away from this book not knowing what the author was trying to get at.

Thank you to Dial Press via NetGalley for the advance reader copy in exchange for honest review.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a single woman nearing middle age, this was an important book for me to read. Lutkin points out that loneliness and romantic longing are not exclusive to women, but women are more conditioned to believe that their lives really begin when they find "The One" and are more valuable and safe by being chosen. The reality is that there is no "One" and such a belief goes back to when women were barred from most professions so marriage was an economic strategy more than a romantic one.

Reading about Lutkin's adventures in dating and her research into courting and marriage was particularly cathartic for me as I am getting over a breakup. I am tired of hearing "you just haven't met your person, yet! he's out there!" Maybe not. Partners are not social security cards - you don't get assigned one at birth. Finding someone to share and build a life with is special but not the only way to find happiness. So many of our stories and institutions are built around the idea of partnership that we don't know how to understand a happy, single person.

It was hugely comforting to know I am not alone in wrestling with these questions. Consider me less lonely after reading this book.

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lutkin's work is a hybrid: a memoir of her 30 something self dating again after a long spell of singledom, and an analysis of the cultural industry around couplehood and singleness, love and loneliness. Lutkin comes across as very charming, effortlessly writing about her far from effortless re-entry into the pursuit of a partner. She deals with the commitment phobic, the casual cruelness and the misplaced intensity that comes with a plan to go on two dates a week for months. When one person seems to suggest a future, she teeters on an obsession, investing a lot of her hopes on a longshot.

I want to especially take note of her conclusion where Lutkin makes a strong case for the structural causes of loneliness. Tackling poverty, discrimination, healthcare, and my hobby horse, urban design, among a host of others, Lutkin draws attention to the ways we've configured society that are hostile to connection. Capitalism, in the 21st century, subverts our need for connection. "We should talk about loneliness in order to identify the ways in which we are disconnected by structural systems external to us. Let's think about how we regard others outside of our homes, and how much we really need them. Let's think about collectivity."

[Ali · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful read that is deeply personal but still weaves in really interesting cultural analysis about how loneliness is deeply imbedded in the structure of society -- whether you're single or coupled up. It has a very a self-aware, refreshing perspective that made me think about these issues in a new way. I loved the way it explored monogamy, polyamory and various non-traditional approaches to dating. Overall an honest, unfiltered and funny memoir about sex, love, heartbreak and loneliness!

[Molly · Rating 3 out of 5]

My rating is based in part on my expectations/hopes for this book, which didn't pan out. I wish Lutkin's response to her initial question had been "it's all good, here's what else is going on in my life," instead of "oh shit, better start dating like crazy for two straight years." I also agree with other reads who felt that the last ~15 pages did not fit in well with the rest of the book. These were all interesting topics, but it was way too much to throw out there at the last minute.

[Alice · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Lonely Hunter, one of the funniest and most vulnerable memoirs I've read in recent memory, hooked me within the first paragraph. It was like I was sitting on my best friend's shoulders, watching her highs and lows of learning about herself as a person/living her life/getting in shape/going on dates.

This book was born out of a dinner party conversation the author shared with her mostly-coupled friends where she’d said she thought she’d be alone forever only to be corrected by the couples that “there’s someone for everyone”. It didn’t feel worth it to her, she explained, to see her singleness as a state of limbo as she was forced to sit around and wait for someone to come into her life.

Not only did Aimee Lutkin address the complexities of modern dating, but she shared the (sometimes painful) insights she learned in a hilarious and honest way that left me both entertained AND questioning my beliefs about finding love.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The power of having someone else acknowledge your reality cannot be understated. Finding a complete stranger capable of putting into words the very thoughts that make you feel isolated was hugely comforting to me. To have someone finally put out there that love and a lifelong relationship is not an inevitability and that that is not an inherently sad statement, just a cold fact, was a massive relief to me, when (as Aimée recounts in the book) so many of us single people are faced with extreme resistance to that idea when we dare to raise it. I also really enjoyed her contextual and historical references. I would recommend this book to single people looking for someone to say, yes, I'm in the same boat as you, I have the same worries, I'm facing the same struggles. I would also recommend it to couples or older people who have never been in the situation of being single in your 30s in the 2020s, I think it provides a wonderful insight and could help people better understand each other.

[Maher Razouk · Rating 1 out of 5]

Baaaad book . It would be better if they wrote (a novel) on the front cover, so I won't buy it

[Leigh Kramer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came across Aimée Lutkin’s Jezebel article When Can I Say I’ll Be Alone Forever? shortly after it was published in December 2016. There was a lot that resonated with me. I was immediately intrigued when I saw she’d written this book expanding on her thoughts.

This is part memoir and part nonfiction exploration of singleness and loneliness. It begins at a dinner party in 2016 when the author is 32 and ends on her 35th birthday in 2019; the conclusion addresses 2020 and COVID-19. At the dinner party that led to her Jezebel essay, Aimée tells her friends that she thinks she might be alone forever. They don’t like the thought of that and all rush in with the typical platitudes people lob at singles, like “love happens when you least expect it.” This doesn’t sit well with her but there’s not much guidance about what to do when your life hasn’t followed the societally prescribed path.

I thought I was going to get a book about someone who is okay with being alone and learning to accept being single. Instead, it’s more about Aimée going all in on a self-improvement project and going on dates twice a week and a couple of relationships that emerge out of that. It is much more dating-focused than I was expecting, although she’s still single by the book’s end.

Lutkin is a queer white woman who is able to delve into what singleness and loneliness is like for the LGBTQ+ community, as well as other marginalized groups. It’s one of the more intersectional books about singleness that I’ve ever read. It could have gone further—it was probably limited by being anchored around the author’s personal life–but I was really glad to see an acknowledgment of factors like race, economic differences, and so on. Some chapters are a mix of memoir and sociological observations, whereas others are solely memoir. The execution could be clunky, likely because the book was confused about what it wants to be—is it a memoir about a woman giving dating a last-ditch effort or is it an examination of the factors contributing to loneliness in singlehood? However, the chapters that blended these elements most seamlessly were powerful.

The synopsis says Lutkin asked herself the following questions: “Why, when there are more unmarried adults than ever before, is there so much pressure to couple up? Why is everyone so uncomfortable around single people? Why does it seem like your real life can't start until you meet The One? And is it possible to be single without being lonely?” She did a decent job exploring the first three but fell short on the fourth. Unfortunately for me, that was the question I was most interested in.

I’m single and in my 40s. While there are certainly times that I’ve been lonely, it is more than possible to be single and content. Plenty of married or partnered people are lonely in those relationships. Whether or not we experience loneliness isn’t solely dependent on the state of our relationship status. No one person can fulfill all our needs. This is what I hoped the book would explore. Instead, it focused almost exclusively on finding a partner when it could have been devoted to what it looks like to develop a community. She at least mentioned collectivity in the conclusion. But it struck me as a missed opportunity to explore a more expansive definition of love beyond romance and sex.

Lutkin set out to answer the question of when she could say she’ll be alone forever but it remains a question. The book’s focus doesn’t do much to counter the way society looks down on singles and pathologizes loneliness. There was value in reading this—I did really enjoy it—but it left me wanting too. Is loneliness an inherent part of singleness? I’d argue no. At least not any more than it affects those with partners. How then do you deal with loneliness if and when it comes up? If anyone writes a book sincerely dealing with that question, I’ll be the first in line to read it.


Content notes: disassociation, depression, diet culture industry (chapter), body commentary by personal trainer, fatshaming by mom, weight loss, infidelity (ex cheated, Adrian has a girlfriend when he has sex with the author [she doesn’t put it together until afterward]), discussion of incel culture and violence, discussion of police brutality and racism, mom has Multiple Sclerosis, misogyny, one instance of child physical abuse by dad, death of grandmother (stroke), past death of friend (drowned), COVID-19, alcoholic ex, divorced parents, on page sex, trying polyamory, alcohol, inebriation, hangover, marijuana, gender essentialism (somewhat countered), ableist language, Harry Potter reference, mentions of people who have/had cancer

[Sophia Discolo]

It’s interesting reading books about loneliness that were written pre-Covid. Overall I don’t think there was much revelatory in this. I think it probably would have been more compelling if I were in my 30s / not a 23 year old

[Wing Man · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is quite a refreshing take on modern dating. The author perfectly depicts the ups and downs of online dating and the difficulty of building genuine connections .

We, as readers, are on a journey with the author on discovering how to be alone yet not lonely. At times, the author seems to be preaching about finding 'The One' by exercising self-love and reaching out to people, she ultimately reveals the imperfections in the modern pursuit of love.

It runs a bit long in places and I wished for more perspectives. But Lutkin's vulnerability in sharing her experiences offers comfort to those navigating single lives.

A solid read for anyone exploring the landscape of modern dating.

[Trish Ryan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the parts of this book where the author writes about herself - her assessment of her “situation” in the opening scene when she’s single and 32, and the arc of growth she follows as she works to shape her life. Her writing is beautiful, thought-provoking, and so relatable. I was less fond of her penchant for veering off into sociological studies, news reports, and various media reports of how terrible life is today and how it’s all systemic and therefore individuals can’t really change much about the plight of humanity. Besides being depressing, these forays into intellectualized, “this is the official state of the world” reports seemed self-protective in a way, like attempts to downplay the deep personal sharing of the previous paragraphs, as if to say, “It’s not just me…this is just the way things are…”. I wish she’d resisted this urge. I found myself skipping those lengthy sections and just reading about her - what she tried, how it went, how she responded, and what happened next. Those parts were really beautiful, and made me glad I read this book.

Thanks to NetGalley for providing a copy of this book.

[F.l. Stumpalumpkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's a lovely feeling to find the right book at the right time. That's what this was for me. If it was all memoir or all sociology, I might have felt less enthusiastic, but interweaving the two worked well. Especially because the core question for Lutkin seems to be: is there something wrong with me, or is it society? Lutkin presents compelling research that "our search for love" really has fundamentally changed over the past ~100 years; she traces unexpected, interesting connections to economic changes. I was a little worried that it was headed for a too-tidy conclusion, something about either finding a partner or an Eat Pray Love sort of pat acceptance. Instead, I was surprised by the depth of insight and real honest-to-goodness literary passages (a late scene that sort of explains the title blew me away). Also, it's very funny; I laughed out loud at least once each chapter.

[Leslie Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a timely and prescient book! Aimee Lutkin gets right to the point for so many readers. We've been living and dying with COVID for the past two years; and loneliness has become imbedded in our day-to-day lives. For many readers, they've been living with loneliness for much longer than that.

The subtitle, "How our Search for Love is Broken" goes beyond the pandemic, and reaches into the psyche of the single person and the basic human need to belong, whether coupled or not. I love the way Ms. Lutkin intersperses her very personal thoughts and experiences, and searches deeply for answers to that query. The Lonely Hunter is a brilliant mix of humor, pathos, storytelling, and hard-core data from reputable sources. What a feat! Congratulations and thank you for this honest and beautifully written memoir!

[Bree Hill · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was definitely “It’s not you, it’s me” situation. I went into this totally expecting one thing and getting a dash of that and a lot of something else. I was so excited to read this memoir of a woman of a certain age who is alone and okay with being alone and while I felt like we get that, so much of this book felt like social commentary and cultural analysis. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good read…just wasn’t what I was expecting. I know a lot of women who are alone and choose to be alone. In a way I thought this ‘memoir’ was going to tell a story very similar to theirs but it wasn’t that really at all. I don’t really know if it’s safe to say that this book ended up being what it was intended to be. It was kind of all over the place.

[Sidney Hildebrandt · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author was so honest and open about their struggle with finding love and/or maintaining it.

After many failed dates and even some brief, good ones, the author explains in great detail, the self discovery that happens along the way.

In many ways, this book has nothing at all to do with dating (despite the whole plot being about dating). It’s more about the things we discover about ourselves through interacting with other people.

Regardless of relationship status, sexual orientation, gender, etc, this book is an eye-opening read on what it means to be a social human.

[Jaime · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful and thoughtful book. I haven’t been single in some time but I still found myself moved to tears by some sections. Dating, incel culture, loneliness etc. all a way into the ultimate questions: what makes a life meaningful? And if it is love, what are the consequences of that?

I listened to the audiobook for part of it and the author is also a talented narrator, which deserves its own mention.

[Nicki Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this! It is a memoir, that’s what it is. You can’t judge someone’s own story. I loved her internal thought process since it all felt so relatable. She’s a good writer and I hope her the best!

[LK · Rating 5 out of 5]

That rare memoir which is equal parts beautifully written & eminently readable. It resonants especially after the wide scale reflection of loneliness these past few years, weaving in research on the topic quite effortlessly. A must-read for anyone who has felt alone in feeling alone.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book on being single - hits home 🏡

[Kathryn Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a woman in my 30s who's had my heart broken, and has broken it myself, this was cathartic processing for me.

[علي الصباح · Rating 4 out of 5]

نشرت المؤلفة تجربتها في الخروج في مواعيد غرامية بهدف الارتباط. مع أنها ترى أن الفكرة السائدة بأن كل أحد سيجد في نهاية المطاف الشخص المناسب فكرة غير واقعية. فبعضنا سيعيش وحيدا إلى الأبد.

رغم كل انشغالاتها إلا أنها تخشى، بمرور الوقت، تلاشي الكثير من علاقاتها. أقاربها سيتوفون، وأصدقاؤها سينشغلون بأُسرهم، وصحتها ستتدهور. ترى تراجعًا مستمرًا في المستقبل.

في إحدى الليالي تناولت العشاء مع أصدقائها وكانت هي الوحيدة العزباء بينهم، عاملوها كما لو أن لديها مشكلة، وسارعوا بتقديم الحلول إليها.

"على عكس أصدقائي، استغرقت بعض الوقت حتى أتأقلم مع حالة عدم ارتباطي في علاقة عاطفية. تعلمت أن أتبضع بكميات قليلة من السوق، أتناول الطعام وحدي في المطاعم، وأذهب للمناسبات دون أن أدعو أحدًا معي. كان كل شيء على ما يرام! كل شيء تمامًا على ما يرام، إلى أن اضطررت أن أشرح مالذي يحدث في حياتي العاطفية لمجموعة من الأشخاص الذين لديهم حياة عاطفية".

انضمت إلى نادٍ رياضي، التزمت بنظام غذائي صحي، واهتمت بمظهرها. لاحظ الكثير التغييرات الإيجابية عليها. ولاحظت أن التغيير الخارجي ينعكس على داخلها.

ألزمت نفسها بموعدين كل أسبوع من خلال برامج التعارف. لم تكن التجربة سهلة في البداية. أحدهم جرح مشاعرها بقسوة حين لم تبادله الاهتمام. لكنها استمرت.

يصعب أن نقبل شخص ما كما هو دون أن تلاحقنا تجاربنا السابقة. فقط لو نتمكن من أن نبدأ من الصفر مع كل شخص نسعى للتعرف إليه. هذه "حمولتنا" أو صدماتنا؛ أي أن نعتقد أن كل أنماط العلاقات السابقة ستتكرر مرة تلو الأخرى، وأننا لن نجد أفضل مما خضناه. ننسى أن للشخص المقابل حمولة أيضا. كلانا حبات ثلج فريدة ❄️ وممتلئة من المشاعر المجروحة والذكريات السيئة.

يمكن أن تشعر بالوحدة حتى لو كنت في علاقة. المؤلفة وجدت العزوبية هي نمط الحياة الأمثل لها، وأنها تستطيع أن تجمع ما بين الحب والعزوبية.

[Christina Pantzer · Rating 4 out of 5]

definitely a fun read but idk if i got many personal epiphanies out of it. like she just kind of described the way dating is and the societal pressure there is for women to not be single (duh), but the conclusion was interesting about structural determinants that create our individualist society vs. a collectivist model. and it’s true the government really does push people towards marriage and kids bc the family model provides support that they then wouldn’t have to provide with government programs. so single people do have a harder time it seems not just because they’re defying the norm, but they literally don’t get the same legal benefits. raises questions as to whether we’d benefit from a more collectivist model given cultural shifts.

the societal purpose of marriage and the way we view love has evolved a lot over time, and Lutkin reflects on this in a funny and relatable way, acknowledging she doesn’t have all the answers.