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The Heart Rate of a Mouse #2
Wolves vs. Hearts
The second volume of The Heart Rate of a Mouse trilogy.
A new band, a new city, and new lover - Ryan dusts himself off and starts again, but the god-like status that his former band's tragic end has given him isn't as easy to shake off. As he should be focusing on making a comeback with his new band, he runs into the one person he hasn't been able to forget. Brendon's blooming relationship leaves Ryan with a bitter taste in his mouth as he realizes that his feelings for Brendon have not waned. Instead of wooing his own girlfriend, Ryan goes after Brendon, convinced that this, too, he can get right the second time around.
A new band, a new city, and new lover - Ryan dusts himself off and starts again, but the god-like status that his former band's tragic end has given him isn't as easy to shake off. As he should be focusing on making a comeback with his new band, he runs into the one person he hasn't been able to forget. Brendon's blooming relationship leaves Ryan with a bitter taste in his mouth as he realizes that his feelings for Brendon have not waned. Instead of wooing his own girlfriend, Ryan goes after Brendon, convinced that this, too, he can get right the second time around.
489 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2011
About the author
Anna Green
13 books103 followersPseudonym: Anna (arctic_grey), Anna (pineconepickers)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 175 reviews
January 31, 2024
4.5 stars
And I thought that book 1 was intense. 😂 I have opinions about this one, so huge spoilers ahead.
Thank you, Jan, for holding my hand when I needed it! 😊💕
Edit: Rating rounded up.
And I thought that book 1 was intense. 😂 I have opinions about this one, so huge spoilers ahead.
Thank you, Jan, for holding my hand when I needed it! 😊💕
Edit: Rating rounded up.
February 16, 2023
all i feel is pain.
February 28, 2022
Reread February 2022
GAAAAHHH!!!
*********************************************
7 +++++++++++++++++++++stars Jumbled up human here.
RYAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! Flawed, Mean, Beautiful, Heart meet Sleeve, funny, so freaking lovable and hate-able. What a character!! This is all about Ryan! for Ryan! with Ryan! Against Ryan.... GAAAAAHHH!!
Alexa play Back to Black Album by Amy Winehouse.
I am HUUUUUURRTT!! I have loved and lost, laughed, cried, loved even more, hurt, had a mental breakdown, loved again, with Ryan and Brendon and Shane and Spencer and Gabe and Keltie and Ian and Vicky.
GAAAHHH!!!! I can't even begin to can!!
The Writing!!!!
The Character Development......
The Story telling.......
The banter........
The conversations..........
The characters..... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! THE FEEEEELSSSS
Emotional roller coaster, realistic, beautiful.
Thank you Jan!! ❤❤
GAAAAHHH!!!
*********************************************
7 +++++++++++++++++++++stars Jumbled up human here.
RYAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! Flawed, Mean, Beautiful, Heart meet Sleeve, funny, so freaking lovable and hate-able. What a character!! This is all about Ryan! for Ryan! with Ryan! Against Ryan.... GAAAAAHHH!!
Alexa play Back to Black Album by Amy Winehouse.
I am HUUUUUURRTT!! I have loved and lost, laughed, cried, loved even more, hurt, had a mental breakdown, loved again, with Ryan and Brendon and Shane and Spencer and Gabe and Keltie and Ian and Vicky.
GAAAHHH!!!! I can't even begin to can!!
The Writing!!!!
The Character Development......
The Story telling.......
The banter........
The conversations..........
The characters..... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! THE FEEEEELSSSS
Emotional roller coaster, realistic, beautiful.
Thank you Jan!! ❤❤
![Profile Image for moonlight ☾ [semi-hiatus].](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/users/1779381768i/37448930._UX200_CR0,0,200,200_.jpg)
February 17, 2022
❝Your sham of a relationship is falling apart. Can't you see that? Poor Shane's walking around, wondering why you're distant, not knowing that you were never even close! Whereas I know. I know the things you've done. I know the bad in you, all the things you're ashamed of, the ugly parts you don't want anyone to see. I've felt all of it beneath your skin. I know. And you're still beautiful to me.❞
here i go again, wanting angst... and, when i get it, i bawl like a baby lol. character development is one of my favorite things to read/watch in any form of fiction and Ryan had such a beautiful one. i cried for him. i hated him. i felt for him. i loved him.
here i go again, wanting angst... and, when i get it, i bawl like a baby lol. character development is one of my favorite things to read/watch in any form of fiction and Ryan had such a beautiful one. i cried for him. i hated him. i felt for him. i loved him.
February 24, 2022
INTENSE. Super, extra strength INTENSE.
Agonizing.
Heart-wrenching. All the way.
Shocking? (or does ‘dismayed', 'distraught', 'distressed' describe it better?)
And so blooming fantastic.
And ... (in case you're not sure 😁 ...) it was ...
It’s been two years since book 1.
Ryan is on the up professionally. Personally, he has ‘mellowed’ in some ways, but he still …
… has the emotional maturity of a toddler. He can’t understand that he won’t always get what he wants, even if he wants it (or rather him = Brendon) very, very, very badly. And when he doesn’t get it/him, he behaves badly, extremely badly (that action of his in the last 10% must be one of the shittiest things he’s done so far).
… has no or very little empathy for others, still can’t see things from another person’s POV.
… has absolutely not the teeniest weeniest clue what relationships are about and how they might work.
… is one the most f****d up characters I’ve ever read, and damn, Anna Green does it brilliantly!
Saying all THAT, why the heck did I ache for the guy?
Maybe because he is so desperate to be loved by SOMEBODY, it actually hurts.
Because he has actually learnt that love exists and sees it now.
Because he loves for the first time in his life, and it’s all-consuming and all-confusing for him.
Because rejection is like a death blow to him.
Because he feels so deeply, it borders on obsession, and he is totally trapped in the depth of these feelings.
All of which, btw, does NOT excuse any of his shitty behaviour!
Brendon is very much the guy who’s been done wrong’ in book 1. But here … he bears quite a bit of responsibility for what happens, too.
His inability to say no to Ryan and to counter his manipulative moves, his willingness to give in to Ryan because their chemistry is so intense, explosive and mind-blowing, is like oil on a fire. Brendon is drawn to Ryan like a fly to the sun, even though he knows he’ll get burnt again.
There were undoubtedly situations where I felt like shouting at Brendon to shove Ryan away, to not let Ryan overwhelm him, but in the end, it always takes two to tango.
The relationship between these two is full of ‘pull and push’, ‘up and down’ and ‘love and hate’. And definitely on the side of unhealthy. Addictive. Destructive. Poisonous.
“ (Ryan) “You were like my codeine, I just had to get more.”
“(Brendon) We’d crash and burn, you know we would. It’s like a drug, what you and I are feeling. And yeah, it’s powerful and all-consuming, and it’s addictive. But it wears off. It’ll stop getting us high, and it will tear us apart instead because that’s what drugs do. It’s not real.”
Talk about heart-rending! All those darn feels!
I’m talking about first class characterization and brilliant observation here!
With both men cheating on their partners and all the lies and deceit that come with that, with Ryan and Brendon creating mess after emotional mess, I was totally mind-blown by the end. Slain. But, oh so good!
Much much more could be said here and much better, but I will simply point at these two reviews …
Jan's review
Shile's review
And I’ll sum up with the author's words (quoting some of the ### attached to this fanfiction):
“gabe deserves better. …keltie deserves better. shane deserves better, ... they all deserve better.“
And yes, for me that includes Ryan and Brendon.
Book 3, here I come!
Agonizing.
Heart-wrenching. All the way.
Shocking? (or does ‘dismayed', 'distraught', 'distressed' describe it better?)
And so blooming fantastic.
And ... (in case you're not sure 😁 ...) it was ...
It’s been two years since book 1.
Ryan is on the up professionally. Personally, he has ‘mellowed’ in some ways, but he still …
… has the emotional maturity of a toddler. He can’t understand that he won’t always get what he wants, even if he wants it (or rather him = Brendon) very, very, very badly. And when he doesn’t get it/him, he behaves badly, extremely badly (that action of his in the last 10% must be one of the shittiest things he’s done so far).
… has no or very little empathy for others, still can’t see things from another person’s POV.
… has absolutely not the teeniest weeniest clue what relationships are about and how they might work.
… is one the most f****d up characters I’ve ever read, and damn, Anna Green does it brilliantly!
Saying all THAT, why the heck did I ache for the guy?
Maybe because he is so desperate to be loved by SOMEBODY, it actually hurts.
Because he has actually learnt that love exists and sees it now.
Because he loves for the first time in his life, and it’s all-consuming and all-confusing for him.
Because rejection is like a death blow to him.
Because he feels so deeply, it borders on obsession, and he is totally trapped in the depth of these feelings.
All of which, btw, does NOT excuse any of his shitty behaviour!
Brendon is very much the guy who’s been done wrong’ in book 1. But here … he bears quite a bit of responsibility for what happens, too.
His inability to say no to Ryan and to counter his manipulative moves, his willingness to give in to Ryan because their chemistry is so intense, explosive and mind-blowing, is like oil on a fire. Brendon is drawn to Ryan like a fly to the sun, even though he knows he’ll get burnt again.
There were undoubtedly situations where I felt like shouting at Brendon to shove Ryan away, to not let Ryan overwhelm him, but in the end, it always takes two to tango.
The relationship between these two is full of ‘pull and push’, ‘up and down’ and ‘love and hate’. And definitely on the side of unhealthy. Addictive. Destructive. Poisonous.
“ (Ryan) “You were like my codeine, I just had to get more.”
“(Brendon) We’d crash and burn, you know we would. It’s like a drug, what you and I are feeling. And yeah, it’s powerful and all-consuming, and it’s addictive. But it wears off. It’ll stop getting us high, and it will tear us apart instead because that’s what drugs do. It’s not real.”
Talk about heart-rending! All those darn feels!
I’m talking about first class characterization and brilliant observation here!
With both men cheating on their partners and all the lies and deceit that come with that, with Ryan and Brendon creating mess after emotional mess, I was totally mind-blown by the end. Slain. But, oh so good!
Much much more could be said here and much better, but I will simply point at these two reviews …
Jan's review
Shile's review
And I’ll sum up with the author's words (quoting some of the ### attached to this fanfiction):
“gabe deserves better. …keltie deserves better. shane deserves better, ... they all deserve better.“
And yes, for me that includes Ryan and Brendon.
Book 3, here I come!
March 9, 2023
You know those romances where the couple's happiness is threatened by a crazed stalker ex?
Well, here you're supposed to be rooting for the stalker ex.
Next time you encounter that trope in a romance, shed a tear for the poor obsessive ex who only wants to reclaim what's rightfully his. Poor misunderstood guy. He can't help it that he loves so intensely.
Moving on... There's so much to potentially talk about, because this book went on approximately forever, and honestly the stalker-ex part, which was like the first third(?) of the story, feels so long ago and far away that it's barely worth mentioning. Although the book covers less than a year in Ryan's life, it's a hell of a year.
We meet up with him at a happy, settled point in his life, far removed from where he was at the end of book 1. The Followers are history, he's in the process of forming a new band with himself as the undisputed leader, he's in a relationship with a great woman and is seriously experimenting with monogamy. In fact, I would say that at the start of this book, Ryan is living his HEA.
You heard that right. To me that looked like an HEA. And guess who else was living their HEA? Brendon. For two years Brendon's been settled down with a great guy. Honestly, if Ryan and Brendon had never crossed paths again after book 1, I think they would both have gone on to live full, satisfying lives partnered with good people who genuinely loved them. But then we wouldn't have the rest of this series, would we?
I'm mentioning this because the author set a very high bar, whether she meant to or not — I needed to be convinced that Ryan + Brendon would be better, and happier, and healthier, and more durable, and more right than Ryan + Keltie and Brendon + Shane. That was going to be hard to sell me on.
And did she succeed?
But that's okay, that's fine — that's what book 3 is for, right?
To keep myself from rambling interminably, I'm going to focus on what I considered the strongest and weakest aspects of the book. Which would be characterization, and characterization.
Obviously Ryan is an amazingly-crafted character, or so many discerning readers wouldn't have fallen as hard for him as they have. (👋🏼 Hi, all my friends who love this series!) Ryan's charismatic, and hugely flawed, and a sensitive soul, and a selfish asshole. And also so very immature, no surprise given the rockstar status bestowed upon him and all the hangers-on and suckers-up that lifestyle comes with.
BUT! It's not just Ryan who brings this series to vivid life. There's a colorful supporting cast, each one a unique individual who's interesting in their own right. Gabe, Vicky, Jon, of course Keltie and Shane, even Patrick and Ian — these are lively and distinctive characters, and honestly every one of them is someone I'd like to learn more about. But... did you notice who's missing from that list?
Yeah. The love interest.
Brendon felt real to me in book 1, a multidimensional, multifaceted character. But he went M.I.A. in this book. It was the weirdest thing. Clues or hints or insights into his motives and values or really any aspect of his inner life simply weren't present on the page. It was as if there was a Brendon-shaped hole in the narrative. It left me feeling disconnected from the story, unable to relate/sense/grok/invest in their relationship. I started the book on Teams {Ryan + Keltie} and {Brendon + Shane}, so without any sense of Brendon as a person that certainly wasn't going to change to {Ryan + empty black hole of personality nothingness going under the name of Brendon}.
Giving the reader insight into the non-POV MC is crucial in a romance. Some writers are awesome at it (KJ Charles, Taylor Fitzpatrick, early Josh Lanyon), some not. I mean, for those of you who've read the Adrien English series, we only ever got Adrien's POV, but still we knew Jake. Over the course of the series, no matter that Jake was reserved and withholding and private and repressed, we grew to know and understand him. That's what I'm talking about — that's what was missing here for me. And when, late in the book, suddenly Brendon *did* show up on the page again as a well-rounded character for one scene, I was royally pissed. If only he'd been there all along, what a different reading experience I would have had! I might even have believed in Ryan's obsession with him; as it was, for most of the book Brendon might as well have been a figment of Ryan's imagination for all the reality he had for me.
Okay, enough of that — if you've read the book but didn't have the same issue, I don't think there's any way I can explain my experience of Brendon's characterization fail. It's just one of those subjective things (although my buddy-read partner Moony was bothered by it too, so at least I know I haven't totally lost it!). But it strongly influenced my reaction to the ending. Because that last, fateful, dramatic twist — guys, I thought it was hilarious. I laughed (okay, probably cackled, all evil and witch-like, let's go ahead and admit I cackled) so hard that my cat got annoyed at me.
I had hoped, ever since it popped into my mind during the scene, that that exact thing might happen — and then it DID, and yeah, there was definitely cackling. Yet if Brendon had felt like a real living breathing person to me during the majority of the story, I suspect I would have had a much different (and more normal) reaction. Like, distress, maybe?
After a break to read a (hopefully) less angst-filled, less drama-llamatic book, I'll be returning for book 3. Jan, Moony, and Shile, thank you for keeping me going here! Thank you for the conversations and the quotes and the gifs and the laughs. This is a memorable reading experience in no small part due to you. ❤️
Well, here you're supposed to be rooting for the stalker ex.
Next time you encounter that trope in a romance, shed a tear for the poor obsessive ex who only wants to reclaim what's rightfully his. Poor misunderstood guy. He can't help it that he loves so intensely.
Moving on... There's so much to potentially talk about, because this book went on approximately forever, and honestly the stalker-ex part, which was like the first third(?) of the story, feels so long ago and far away that it's barely worth mentioning. Although the book covers less than a year in Ryan's life, it's a hell of a year.
We meet up with him at a happy, settled point in his life, far removed from where he was at the end of book 1. The Followers are history, he's in the process of forming a new band with himself as the undisputed leader, he's in a relationship with a great woman and is seriously experimenting with monogamy. In fact, I would say that at the start of this book, Ryan is living his HEA.
You heard that right. To me that looked like an HEA. And guess who else was living their HEA? Brendon. For two years Brendon's been settled down with a great guy. Honestly, if Ryan and Brendon had never crossed paths again after book 1, I think they would both have gone on to live full, satisfying lives partnered with good people who genuinely loved them. But then we wouldn't have the rest of this series, would we?
I'm mentioning this because the author set a very high bar, whether she meant to or not — I needed to be convinced that Ryan + Brendon would be better, and happier, and healthier, and more durable, and more right than Ryan + Keltie and Brendon + Shane. That was going to be hard to sell me on.
And did she succeed?
But that's okay, that's fine — that's what book 3 is for, right?
To keep myself from rambling interminably, I'm going to focus on what I considered the strongest and weakest aspects of the book. Which would be characterization, and characterization.
Obviously Ryan is an amazingly-crafted character, or so many discerning readers wouldn't have fallen as hard for him as they have. (👋🏼 Hi, all my friends who love this series!) Ryan's charismatic, and hugely flawed, and a sensitive soul, and a selfish asshole. And also so very immature, no surprise given the rockstar status bestowed upon him and all the hangers-on and suckers-up that lifestyle comes with.
BUT! It's not just Ryan who brings this series to vivid life. There's a colorful supporting cast, each one a unique individual who's interesting in their own right. Gabe, Vicky, Jon, of course Keltie and Shane, even Patrick and Ian — these are lively and distinctive characters, and honestly every one of them is someone I'd like to learn more about. But... did you notice who's missing from that list?
Yeah. The love interest.
Brendon felt real to me in book 1, a multidimensional, multifaceted character. But he went M.I.A. in this book. It was the weirdest thing. Clues or hints or insights into his motives and values or really any aspect of his inner life simply weren't present on the page. It was as if there was a Brendon-shaped hole in the narrative. It left me feeling disconnected from the story, unable to relate/sense/grok/invest in their relationship. I started the book on Teams {Ryan + Keltie} and {Brendon + Shane}, so without any sense of Brendon as a person that certainly wasn't going to change to {Ryan + empty black hole of personality nothingness going under the name of Brendon}.
Giving the reader insight into the non-POV MC is crucial in a romance. Some writers are awesome at it (KJ Charles, Taylor Fitzpatrick, early Josh Lanyon), some not. I mean, for those of you who've read the Adrien English series, we only ever got Adrien's POV, but still we knew Jake. Over the course of the series, no matter that Jake was reserved and withholding and private and repressed, we grew to know and understand him. That's what I'm talking about — that's what was missing here for me. And when, late in the book, suddenly Brendon *did* show up on the page again as a well-rounded character for one scene, I was royally pissed. If only he'd been there all along, what a different reading experience I would have had! I might even have believed in Ryan's obsession with him; as it was, for most of the book Brendon might as well have been a figment of Ryan's imagination for all the reality he had for me.
Okay, enough of that — if you've read the book but didn't have the same issue, I don't think there's any way I can explain my experience of Brendon's characterization fail. It's just one of those subjective things (although my buddy-read partner Moony was bothered by it too, so at least I know I haven't totally lost it!). But it strongly influenced my reaction to the ending. Because that last, fateful, dramatic twist — guys, I thought it was hilarious. I laughed (okay, probably cackled, all evil and witch-like, let's go ahead and admit I cackled) so hard that my cat got annoyed at me.
I had hoped, ever since it popped into my mind during the scene, that that exact thing might happen — and then it DID, and yeah, there was definitely cackling. Yet if Brendon had felt like a real living breathing person to me during the majority of the story, I suspect I would have had a much different (and more normal) reaction. Like, distress, maybe?
After a break to read a (hopefully) less angst-filled, less drama-llamatic book, I'll be returning for book 3. Jan, Moony, and Shile, thank you for keeping me going here! Thank you for the conversations and the quotes and the gifs and the laughs. This is a memorable reading experience in no small part due to you. ❤️
February 25, 2022
You can find this series HERE
2nd read: Feb 2022
Finished my first full reread today (last time I took a page out of Shile’s book and immediately reread bits and pieces over and over again, but I’m counting this as the first official reread), and wanted to add some things to my review, if you can even call it that.
Firstly, why TF does this series get better each time I read it?
Secondly, how TF do I get out? Because this is me right now, seriously:
Help.
Thirdly, this awesome/painful quote (just ONE, not counting my updates of course, so I deserve a medal for my restraint, because this book is quotable AF):
And lastly:
Yep, that about sums it up.
***
1st read: Jan 2022
OH. MY. GOD. This fucking book. 💔
All of the things I’d like to discuss in my review are huge spoilers, and sure, I could hide them, but then inevitably some people would still read them, and in this case it’s better to go in blind. Let’s just say that Ryan got emotionally eviscerated here, and so did I.
And really, everything you need to know about my enjoyment of this series is this: I bought the books. These are 100% free on AO3, and I went to some obscure online bookstore and ordered the paperbacks. So.
2nd read: Feb 2022
Finished my first full reread today (last time I took a page out of Shile’s book and immediately reread bits and pieces over and over again, but I’m counting this as the first official reread), and wanted to add some things to my review, if you can even call it that.
Firstly, why TF does this series get better each time I read it?
Secondly, how TF do I get out? Because this is me right now, seriously:
Help.
Thirdly, this awesome/painful quote (just ONE, not counting my updates of course, so I deserve a medal for my restraint, because this book is quotable AF):
I take my place behind the microphone, where I will stand, where I am doomed to stand and privileged to stand, by myself, always by myself.
Where I am never wrong, where I have never erred. […]
Where I am finally loved.
And lastly:
Yep, that about sums it up.
***
1st read: Jan 2022
OH. MY. GOD. This fucking book. 💔
All of the things I’d like to discuss in my review are huge spoilers, and sure, I could hide them, but then inevitably some people would still read them, and in this case it’s better to go in blind. Let’s just say that Ryan got emotionally eviscerated here, and so did I.
And really, everything you need to know about my enjoyment of this series is this: I bought the books. These are 100% free on AO3, and I went to some obscure online bookstore and ordered the paperbacks. So.
March 24, 2022
I have no words right now because this hurt 💔😭 Anna Green is a genius!!!
January 31, 2024
March 2023 reread
In book 1, you have to understand Ryan or you'll lose the real story. In book 2, it's Brendon you'll have to understand or you'll lose the real story. This is how I understood Brendon:
The best thing about this series is that it's so easy to get carried away by the overwhelming emotions, which may cause readers to overlook some details, misunderstand the characters. And every time we reread them, there's always something new to discover. It's always like zooming out on the story and seeing more and more of the whole picture. And the more of it we see, the more breathtaking it becomes.
July 2021
Please refer to my review for Book 1: Over the Tracks . Simply double the rating and all the praise, and you'll have the review for this one.
In book 1, you have to understand Ryan or you'll lose the real story. In book 2, it's Brendon you'll have to understand or you'll lose the real story. This is how I understood Brendon:
The best thing about this series is that it's so easy to get carried away by the overwhelming emotions, which may cause readers to overlook some details, misunderstand the characters. And every time we reread them, there's always something new to discover. It's always like zooming out on the story and seeing more and more of the whole picture. And the more of it we see, the more breathtaking it becomes.
July 2021
Please refer to my review for Book 1: Over the Tracks . Simply double the rating and all the praise, and you'll have the review for this one.
February 21, 2023
A million fucking stars. Passion. Cheating. Hottest sex ever. Heartbreak. Again and again and again. My heart hurts.
Ryan. Brendon. Kill me.
ETA: I wrote a real review and it disappeared so this is all you get.
Ryan. Brendon. Kill me.
ETA: I wrote a real review and it disappeared so this is all you get.
January 26, 2022
This is a book I want everyone to read and no one to read.
This is definitely the most toxic relationship I have ever read about.
I hate everyone in this book (except Patrick and Jon). Everything is awful. There’s no good in this world.
I hate Ryan still, but damn did I understand him better and certainly hate him less. This author did a fucking phenomenal job humanizing him from his manic side to his hopeful side. It was all so frustrating and so painful. I could relate to him the most though. He literally reminded me of myself in my early 20s when I would become more obsessive and desperate the more someone started pulling away and the more they led me on. It just felt so real.
Brendon is just a mess. I don’t really hate him because I understand all of his fears. He’s never wrong when it comes to Ryan. I even understand how he acts with Shane. It’s horrible, but it makes sense. I don’t want to sympathize with him, but I do. What I wouldn’t give for a few POV chapters from him.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I need to read the final book immediately and also never read it. I really didn’t expect to give this book 5 stars because I hated it and loved it so much all at once. It’s the kind of book where you’re 50% in and wondering how the hell there’s half left because so much has happened and there are just so many feelings. I don’t know that I can take any more.
I’m definitely going to read the next one.
Here’s some fucking quotes while I go take a cue from Ryan’s coping mechanisms playbook:
“I don’t think of Brendon or what’d this do to him or us because no, no, he murdered us. So let me murder him in turn. Let me kill something that is holy to him. Maybe then we’ll be even. Maybe then it’ll stop hurting.”
“‘I did something bad,’ I say slowly, to bring down the sword that’s hanging above our heads. ‘I did... something wrong.’ I pull my hand from his warm clasp. The skin of my palm feels cold now, without his touch. ‘I thought it’d make me feel better. It didn’t. I thought that... hurting you would make me feel better. But it won’t.’”
“And I take my place behind the microphone, where I will stand, where I am doomed to stand and privileged to stand, by myself, always by myself. Where I am never wrong, where I have never erred, my eyes flying over the rows of lifted arms, euphoric cries, devoted gazes.
Where I am finally loved.”
This is definitely the most toxic relationship I have ever read about.
I hate everyone in this book (except Patrick and Jon). Everything is awful. There’s no good in this world.
I hate Ryan still, but damn did I understand him better and certainly hate him less. This author did a fucking phenomenal job humanizing him from his manic side to his hopeful side. It was all so frustrating and so painful. I could relate to him the most though. He literally reminded me of myself in my early 20s when I would become more obsessive and desperate the more someone started pulling away and the more they led me on. It just felt so real.
Brendon is just a mess. I don’t really hate him because I understand all of his fears. He’s never wrong when it comes to Ryan. I even understand how he acts with Shane. It’s horrible, but it makes sense. I don’t want to sympathize with him, but I do. What I wouldn’t give for a few POV chapters from him.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I need to read the final book immediately and also never read it. I really didn’t expect to give this book 5 stars because I hated it and loved it so much all at once. It’s the kind of book where you’re 50% in and wondering how the hell there’s half left because so much has happened and there are just so many feelings. I don’t know that I can take any more.
I’m definitely going to read the next one.
Here’s some fucking quotes while I go take a cue from Ryan’s coping mechanisms playbook:
“I don’t think of Brendon or what’d this do to him or us because no, no, he murdered us. So let me murder him in turn. Let me kill something that is holy to him. Maybe then we’ll be even. Maybe then it’ll stop hurting.”
“‘I did something bad,’ I say slowly, to bring down the sword that’s hanging above our heads. ‘I did... something wrong.’ I pull my hand from his warm clasp. The skin of my palm feels cold now, without his touch. ‘I thought it’d make me feel better. It didn’t. I thought that... hurting you would make me feel better. But it won’t.’”
“And I take my place behind the microphone, where I will stand, where I am doomed to stand and privileged to stand, by myself, always by myself. Where I am never wrong, where I have never erred, my eyes flying over the rows of lifted arms, euphoric cries, devoted gazes.
Where I am finally loved.”
January 29, 2023
My re-read is done I am wrecked again mostly due to finishing the series and having withdrawals. I can’t place what makes this so special but it just is and will always be for me. I can’t see myself ever tiring of Ryan ❤️
I just finished I am FREAKING!!! This book was so intense, soul crushing yet amazing. If you are like me and love a real saga roller coaster relationship this is THE ONE. On to the last book 🤞
I just finished I am FREAKING!!! This book was so intense, soul crushing yet amazing. If you are like me and love a real saga roller coaster relationship this is THE ONE. On to the last book 🤞
April 17, 2022
I’m wrecked. And pissed. And obsessed. And hurt. And sleep-deprived. And amazed. And more pissed. AND, YEAH, COMPLETELY IN LOVE.
March 18, 2022
RTC. Maybe.
You should just go look at other reviews. I have nothing original to add.
You should just go look at other reviews. I have nothing original to add.
February 25, 2022
Anna Green THE AUDACITY!!!! *hyperventilates*
I read this shit weeks ago, but I remember and can't deal!!!!!!! 😢😢
You would think, YOU WOULD THINK! That the first book was fucked up! That it couldn't go lower than that, that there wasn't any trope that could make it worse.
Spoiler alert: I.WAS.WRONG.PEOPLE!!!!
The AUDACITY of this book I swear to baby Jesus, I loved it, but shit hit the fan over and over again, and I just wanted it to stop, but at the same time I didn't want it to stop? I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ON THIS. *rocks back and forth*
I love Ryan, I really do, he's a complex character that is just so lonely and not used to good things, he's like a mistreated dog that lashes out, but this went above and beyond that, in here he was plain crazy, obsessed, he didn't see reason, he just looked for a way to be with Brendon, he lost him once and it destroyed him so he went crazy to keep him this second time.
I mean he was still lovely Ryan:
"I don’t try making eye contact or engaging Brendon in conversation. I talk to Gabe sitting next to me, my righthand man, and Keltie on my other side as my queen. And from this throne I’ll judge the rest of the people in the cabinet as I sip on wine, smoke cigarettes, take the guests in slowly and calmly with hawk-like attention".
The balls of this guy! I still love u darling, but what that says about me I don't know. *calls her therapist*
BUT he still thought in a similar way: "He will come around. He will see things my way". And that is and always was the problem baby Ryan, can someone show him the light?! CAN SOMEONE IN THIS FUCKING SERIES BE A FUCKING FUNCTIONAL ADULT???!!!!?????!!!!!!!!
Because everyone was there just to add to the clusterfuck!!! A mess!!!!
And don't get me started on Brendon, *hold my purse* I KNEW BRENDON WAS BAD! But I swear to God I didn't know how much. I didn't understood him in this book, the game he played was a dangerous one and at the end of the first book I thought he knew, but he didn't know, and the cheating started.
So much cheating my jaw got unhinged! The AUDACITY, I can't even explain the level of cheating that went in this book. And so little conversations or feelings, just clusterfuck. EVERYWHEREEEEEE. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I LOVED IT JA! I was exasperated a lot, wanted to kick their asses, but it was brilliant and kudos to Anna because I felt the growth, I felt the difference between the years, the characters, the situations. It felt like another book, but not?
Really good writer, she should keep writing, I like getting mindfuck by Anna apparently, so yeah keep writing.
Because the emotional damage continues ladies and gents... 🤯
I read this shit weeks ago, but I remember and can't deal!!!!!!! 😢😢
You would think, YOU WOULD THINK! That the first book was fucked up! That it couldn't go lower than that, that there wasn't any trope that could make it worse.
Spoiler alert: I.WAS.WRONG.PEOPLE!!!!
The AUDACITY of this book I swear to baby Jesus, I loved it, but shit hit the fan over and over again, and I just wanted it to stop, but at the same time I didn't want it to stop? I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ON THIS. *rocks back and forth*
I love Ryan, I really do, he's a complex character that is just so lonely and not used to good things, he's like a mistreated dog that lashes out, but this went above and beyond that, in here he was plain crazy, obsessed, he didn't see reason, he just looked for a way to be with Brendon, he lost him once and it destroyed him so he went crazy to keep him this second time.
I mean he was still lovely Ryan:
"I don’t try making eye contact or engaging Brendon in conversation. I talk to Gabe sitting next to me, my righthand man, and Keltie on my other side as my queen. And from this throne I’ll judge the rest of the people in the cabinet as I sip on wine, smoke cigarettes, take the guests in slowly and calmly with hawk-like attention".
The balls of this guy! I still love u darling, but what that says about me I don't know. *calls her therapist*
BUT he still thought in a similar way: "He will come around. He will see things my way". And that is and always was the problem baby Ryan, can someone show him the light?! CAN SOMEONE IN THIS FUCKING SERIES BE A FUCKING FUNCTIONAL ADULT???!!!!?????!!!!!!!!
Because everyone was there just to add to the clusterfuck!!! A mess!!!!
And don't get me started on Brendon, *hold my purse* I KNEW BRENDON WAS BAD! But I swear to God I didn't know how much. I didn't understood him in this book, the game he played was a dangerous one and at the end of the first book I thought he knew, but he didn't know, and the cheating started.
So much cheating my jaw got unhinged! The AUDACITY, I can't even explain the level of cheating that went in this book. And so little conversations or feelings, just clusterfuck. EVERYWHEREEEEEE. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I LOVED IT JA! I was exasperated a lot, wanted to kick their asses, but it was brilliant and kudos to Anna because I felt the growth, I felt the difference between the years, the characters, the situations. It felt like another book, but not?
Really good writer, she should keep writing, I like getting mindfuck by Anna apparently, so yeah keep writing.
Because the emotional damage continues ladies and gents... 🤯
January 26, 2022
That has to be the most toxic relationship I’ve ever read about. Onto the next book.
November 27, 2016
4.5 stars!
Fuckkkkkkkkkk......
This book... fuck...
I'm exasperated. What the fuck do I say about something like this? I had plenty to saw while I was reading, even mere pages after reading I had it all planned out in my head, but of course I didn't note it down and now, obviously, everything has evaporated.
This was a fucked up one, wasn't it? Big fucking time.
I enjoyed every second of it, just like with the previous volume I'm amazed by the writing and by the intensity and the realness that these characters have, but fuck, this one had major trigger warnings for me.
I had alarming bells going of word by word, sentence by sentence because it was all going against every fiber and cell on my body.
I don't do well with cheating and lying, and fuck me. This monstrous book (in a good way) was filled my it left and right.
It. Goes. Against. Everything. In. Me.
Fucked up. All of this.
Fuck that last chapter.. I actually had to stop reading. I had to got up, spin a little on my bedroom clasping my hair in desperation, take a deep breath so I could carry on and finish it.
It.
Was.
Torture.
Fuck.
Everything is shit! I don't even know what to say!
I don't even know who's the most fucked up one, Ryan or Brendon. They both have amazing things but also both of them are just awful.
What set's me off the most in Ryan is how egocentric he is, how self centered and ugh. But then he has these moments that just !!! and then, inevitably, he fucks it up again. *sighhhhhhh*
And Brendon, Brendon is the sweetest but at the same time he's so frustrating and indecisive!
I guess I love them both, but in the long run there are still things that I don't like very much.
But, fuck. I don't even. Anna Green is amazing for writing something like this. No black and white. All grey and fucked up areas. I tried to pick side, I tried to analyze who was the most wrong, who was doing the worst thing but fuck. Can't. It's all fucked.
Like I said, I got trigged big time. One hell of a roller coaster of feels.
There's this one thing, though, that I didn't really find needed in the first volume but I felt the hole in this one. Brandon's POV.
Ryan, we get. We're inside is head, we know what motivates him, how he really feels and thinks; With Brendon we've got nothing, and I feel like we should have. I'm seeing Brendon differently now and I'm not sure I like it, and all that is because I don't understand him. I mean I do, to an extend but not it's not clear enough.
Doesn't matter, this was.. just...
*throws hands in the air*
*pulls hair*
*buries head in the pillow*
*screams*
*sobs*
I wasn't expecting this kind of intensity. I really wasn't.
Putting all my personal believes, moral compass (a messed up one, I must say) and personality standards, this was a fucking amazing book.
Fuckkkkkkkkkk......
This book... fuck...
I'm exasperated. What the fuck do I say about something like this? I had plenty to saw while I was reading, even mere pages after reading I had it all planned out in my head, but of course I didn't note it down and now, obviously, everything has evaporated.
This was a fucked up one, wasn't it? Big fucking time.
I enjoyed every second of it, just like with the previous volume I'm amazed by the writing and by the intensity and the realness that these characters have, but fuck, this one had major trigger warnings for me.
I had alarming bells going of word by word, sentence by sentence because it was all going against every fiber and cell on my body.
I don't do well with cheating and lying, and fuck me. This monstrous book (in a good way) was filled my it left and right.
It. Goes. Against. Everything. In. Me.
Fucked up. All of this.
Fuck that last chapter.. I actually had to stop reading. I had to got up, spin a little on my bedroom clasping my hair in desperation, take a deep breath so I could carry on and finish it.
It.
Was.
Torture.
Fuck.
Everything is shit! I don't even know what to say!
I don't even know who's the most fucked up one, Ryan or Brendon. They both have amazing things but also both of them are just awful.
What set's me off the most in Ryan is how egocentric he is, how self centered and ugh. But then he has these moments that just !!! and then, inevitably, he fucks it up again. *sighhhhhhh*
And Brendon, Brendon is the sweetest but at the same time he's so frustrating and indecisive!
I guess I love them both, but in the long run there are still things that I don't like very much.
But, fuck. I don't even. Anna Green is amazing for writing something like this. No black and white. All grey and fucked up areas. I tried to pick side, I tried to analyze who was the most wrong, who was doing the worst thing but fuck. Can't. It's all fucked.
Like I said, I got trigged big time. One hell of a roller coaster of feels.
There's this one thing, though, that I didn't really find needed in the first volume but I felt the hole in this one. Brandon's POV.
Ryan, we get. We're inside is head, we know what motivates him, how he really feels and thinks; With Brendon we've got nothing, and I feel like we should have. I'm seeing Brendon differently now and I'm not sure I like it, and all that is because I don't understand him. I mean I do, to an extend but not it's not clear enough.
Doesn't matter, this was.. just...
*throws hands in the air*
*pulls hair*
*buries head in the pillow*
*screams*
*sobs*
I wasn't expecting this kind of intensity. I really wasn't.
Putting all my personal believes, moral compass (a messed up one, I must say) and personality standards, this was a fucking amazing book.
July 24, 2023
Completamente distinto al anterior, pero a mi me gustó más porque profundiza más en el personaje.
El logro de este libro se resume en "cómo conseguir que un personaje resulte odioso la primera mitad y lo compadezcas y adores la segunda"
El mérito, que solo tenga un POV y aún siendo largo no eches de menos una segunda voz en ningún momento
Lo mejor, que tiene 400 paginas y agradeces que sea así de largo de lo mucho que lo disfrutas.
Lo realmente fantástico, que hay un tercer libro.......
( si hay que ponerle un "pero" es que creo que le sobran algunas escenas de sexo, y no porque sea una puritana, pero es que el resto es tan bueno y tan variado, que estas escenas acaban pareciéndose mucho unas a otras y terminan resultando repetitivas. Sabes el "too much sex, too little plot", es este caso es "too interesting plot, I don't want more sex" porque quiero continuar con la historia...)
El logro de este libro se resume en "cómo conseguir que un personaje resulte odioso la primera mitad y lo compadezcas y adores la segunda"
El mérito, que solo tenga un POV y aún siendo largo no eches de menos una segunda voz en ningún momento
Lo mejor, que tiene 400 paginas y agradeces que sea así de largo de lo mucho que lo disfrutas.
Lo realmente fantástico, que hay un tercer libro.......
( si hay que ponerle un "pero" es que creo que le sobran algunas escenas de sexo, y no porque sea una puritana, pero es que el resto es tan bueno y tan variado, que estas escenas acaban pareciéndose mucho unas a otras y terminan resultando repetitivas. Sabes el "too much sex, too little plot", es este caso es "too interesting plot, I don't want more sex" porque quiero continuar con la historia...)
May 31, 2025
Reread 2025
A MILLION STARS from me... is anyone surprised? 😂 I have a million feels and zero thoughts as of the moment so I'll be back once I finish the entire series 😍😍 I just wanna roll around my feels and highlighted quotes 😭😭
A MILLION STARS from me... is anyone surprised? 😂 I have a million feels and zero thoughts as of the moment so I'll be back once I finish the entire series 😍😍 I just wanna roll around my feels and highlighted quotes 😭😭
April 3, 2023
***4.5***
I'm tired. Drained. Emotionally sucker-punched. I feel good about it and I'll be going back for thirds.
There are a slew of reviews that have already said everything there is to say about this series and this particular chapter of it and done it very well so I'll just jot down some thoughts for myself.
Like the previous installment this volume is loooong so buckle up. I imagine part of the reason is that the story was/is originally on AO3 and meant to be read as weekly(?) installments. On the upside regardless of the the publication schedule there is very little to no recapping of what came before for the benefit of the reader who might've just been dropping in. Brava Anna!
Though the length can be daunting for those who don't crave Big Books (not me) the cumulative time spent in Ryan's head (the story is narrated from his POV), privy to his thoughts about ... everything, his evolving love for Brendon, his coming to terms with himself as a bisexual man is quite an experience. We the readers are meant to identify or at least empathize with a guy who embodies most of the stereotypical cliches of rock stars - screwed up childhood, talent, egotism, drug use etc. -and this one, Ryan Ross, is also the snake in the garden luring his former lover with promises and scorching sex. He succeeds to a point and the author succeeded with me swaying my allegiance to Ryan. The other man.
I'll be going on to volume 3 hoping that the author delivers on promise brilliantly laid out in the first two parts of this story. It feels epic.
After all my praise and clear admiration for this series you might wonder why not 5 stars? Because I'm perplexed as to why all of the characters are named after members of Panic! at the Disco and others of their milieu including the main MC. It brings nothing to the story which is set in the 1970's and is best informed by the mores and historical detail of that era. Creditably so. Keeping the names keeps the story in the realm of fan fiction which is off putting to many, particularly when real (live) people, addressed by their real names & lore surrounding them is used for fiction. That's regrettable. The writing and story deserve better.
I'm tired. Drained. Emotionally sucker-punched. I feel good about it and I'll be going back for thirds.
There are a slew of reviews that have already said everything there is to say about this series and this particular chapter of it and done it very well so I'll just jot down some thoughts for myself.
Like the previous installment this volume is loooong so buckle up. I imagine part of the reason is that the story was/is originally on AO3 and meant to be read as weekly(?) installments. On the upside regardless of the the publication schedule there is very little to no recapping of what came before for the benefit of the reader who might've just been dropping in. Brava Anna!
Though the length can be daunting for those who don't crave Big Books (not me) the cumulative time spent in Ryan's head (the story is narrated from his POV), privy to his thoughts about ... everything, his evolving love for Brendon, his coming to terms with himself as a bisexual man is quite an experience. We the readers are meant to identify or at least empathize with a guy who embodies most of the stereotypical cliches of rock stars - screwed up childhood, talent, egotism, drug use etc. -and this one, Ryan Ross, is also the snake in the garden luring his former lover with promises and scorching sex. He succeeds to a point and the author succeeded with me swaying my allegiance to Ryan. The other man.
I'll be going on to volume 3 hoping that the author delivers on promise brilliantly laid out in the first two parts of this story. It feels epic.
After all my praise and clear admiration for this series you might wonder why not 5 stars? Because I'm perplexed as to why all of the characters are named after members of Panic! at the Disco and others of their milieu including the main MC. It brings nothing to the story which is set in the 1970's and is best informed by the mores and historical detail of that era. Creditably so. Keeping the names keeps the story in the realm of fan fiction which is off putting to many, particularly when real (live) people, addressed by their real names & lore surrounding them is used for fiction. That's regrettable. The writing and story deserve better.
February 27, 2023
✽ 6 STARS ✽
Heartbreak 💔 Heartbreak 💔Heartbreak 💔
Heartbreak 💔 Heartbreak 💔Heartbreak 💔
March 15, 2022
Oh bloody, flipping, heartsick, angsty shitballs- this author is amazing!
I’m feeling all out of sorts and although it’s toxic and frustrating and the story makes you physically ache, all I want for them is to be happy and find some sort of peace.
Ryan is just amazing and I love the absolute knob that he is.
And Brendon?!? I just don’t even know what to say.
I am so invested in this series. I’ve been late to work and not spoken to my hubs very much because this series is at the forefront of my mind.
I can not recommend it highly enough.
I’m going to have the night off and try to compose myself, and then I’ll start number three tomorrow.....
Argghhhhhh 💔💔💔💔
I’m feeling all out of sorts and although it’s toxic and frustrating and the story makes you physically ache, all I want for them is to be happy and find some sort of peace.
Ryan is just amazing and I love the absolute knob that he is.
And Brendon?!? I just don’t even know what to say.
I am so invested in this series. I’ve been late to work and not spoken to my hubs very much because this series is at the forefront of my mind.
I can not recommend it highly enough.
I’m going to have the night off and try to compose myself, and then I’ll start number three tomorrow.....
Argghhhhhh 💔💔💔💔
March 13, 2023
3.5 stars, but it finished strong, and some things that I was side eyeing did come together for me by the end. I was entertained the whole time, but still somewhat distant from it because Brendon's character development was non-existent most of the way through. It pissed me off and made it hard to care, either about him or about Ryan's infatuation with him. But the last book of this volume was well done and made up for a lot.
The author really didn't give herself an easy job for the last volume. 😂 Looking forward to seeing if she nails it!
ETA — I keep neglecting to mention this, but this has been a fantastic buddy read with Jan and Teal (and our fly Shile)! ❤️
The author really didn't give herself an easy job for the last volume. 😂 Looking forward to seeing if she nails it!
ETA — I keep neglecting to mention this, but this has been a fantastic buddy read with Jan and Teal (and our fly Shile)! ❤️
February 22, 2022
This may be the best worst book I have ever read. I am exhausted, emotionally wrung out. This book was hard…I couldn’t stop reading even though I knew I was waiting for a train wreck. Several train wrecks actually. And I can’t wait to re-read it! Something must be wrong with me 😂. On to volume 3!
February 20, 2024
Portrait of artists
as young men: Lust. Agony.
Denial. Alone.
On the re-read, it'd knock it down a half star at least, because it was nearly unbearable to read, but on the other hand, it's unforgettable and so finally drawn. No regrets!
as young men: Lust. Agony.
Denial. Alone.
On the re-read, it'd knock it down a half star at least, because it was nearly unbearable to read, but on the other hand, it's unforgettable and so finally drawn. No regrets!
March 23, 2023
4.5 stars
Holy shit!! I under estimated how messed up that ending was going to be. WTH Ryan!? I don’t even have words for a proper review.
If you like angst, drama, intense emotions and guys who are train wrecks, as I do, (but only in books, not real life) then this series is a MUST read,
It’s also so damn sexy. These two are 🔥🔥in the bedroom (or hotel, or tour bus, or club bathroom or beach or …………)
Holy shit!! I under estimated how messed up that ending was going to be. WTH Ryan!? I don’t even have words for a proper review.
If you like angst, drama, intense emotions and guys who are train wrecks, as I do, (but only in books, not real life) then this series is a MUST read,
It’s also so damn sexy. These two are 🔥🔥in the bedroom (or hotel, or tour bus, or club bathroom or beach or …………)
March 3, 2022
This series is so real and their relationship is SO RAW AND I KNOW I WILL START REREADING AS SOON AS I'M DONE.
![Profile Image for annob [on hiatus].](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/users/1674812294i/68231680._UX200_CR0,0,200,200_.jpg)
February 19, 2022
Omg, the angst! I read this nerve-wracking sequel in small portions because the emotions had such weight and repeatedly hit me in the gut. Raw, real, ugliness and beauty side by side.
March 25, 2022
All the stars in the sky ⭐️
God knows how much I hate cheating but Ryan and Brendon are meant to be together, and I'm not even mad at they are going their respective partners behind. The pain is real. My heart is crying for my baby, Ryan.
I love how intense this series got. And I love Ryan Ross so much, it hurts. My favorite character ever!! I will never forget him. ❤️
“I let my finger slide to his jaw, and my hand settles on the side of his neck. “I love you.”
“He is the most perfect definition of beauty I have ever seen.
I pull him back into my arms. He hugs me just as tightly as he did before. I kiss his temple briefly and without thinking”
On to the next book!!
God knows how much I hate cheating but Ryan and Brendon are meant to be together, and I'm not even mad at they are going their respective partners behind. The pain is real. My heart is crying for my baby, Ryan.
I love how intense this series got. And I love Ryan Ross so much, it hurts. My favorite character ever!! I will never forget him. ❤️
“I let my finger slide to his jaw, and my hand settles on the side of his neck. “I love you.”
“He is the most perfect definition of beauty I have ever seen.
I pull him back into my arms. He hugs me just as tightly as he did before. I kiss his temple briefly and without thinking”
On to the next book!!
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