Metsästäjä, keräilijä, kasvattaja : alkuperäiskansojen kasvatusoppeja

by Michaeleen Doucleff, Auri Paajanen (Translator), Susanna Tuomi-Giddings (Translator)

Kun tri Michaeleen Doucleff tuli äidiksi, hän kahlasi läpi tuhansia sivuja tuoreimpia lastenkasvatusoppaita – löytämättä etsimäänsä. Moderni länsimainen vanhemmuus näytti rajoittuneelta. Mikseivät länsimaiset kasvatusopit toimi? Mistä löytyisi parempia keinoja?

Doucleff otti kolmivuotiaan tyttärensä kainaloonsa ja lähti tutkimusmatkalle. Se vei hänet kolmeen erilaiseen maailmankolkkaan: Meksikoon maya-perheeseen, napapiirin pohjoispuolelle inuiittien luo ja Tansaniaan hadzabe-heimon hoteisiin. Kaikilta hän löysi omanlaisiaan kasvatusoppeja ja -tapoja. Sekä avuliaita, iloisia ja tasapainoisia lapsia.

Doucleff kokeili oppeja itse sovittaen niitä länsimaiseen elämäntyyliin, ja kirjassaan hän kertoo ällistyttävistä tuloksista. Doucleff haastattelee psykologeja, neurotieteilijöitä, antropologeja ja sosiologeja, jotka selittävät, kuinka alkuperäiskansojen opit vaikuttavat lasten kehitykseen ja itsetuntoon.

Metsästäjä, keräilijä, kasvattaja tarjoaa tuoreita ja yllättäviä näkökulmia lastenkasvatukseen. Kirja on pullollaan toimivia ja helppoja käytännön vinkkejä vanhemmille.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Family, Childrens, Psychology

316 pages, Hardcover

First published March 2, 2021

About the author

Michaeleen Doucleff is a correspondent for NPR's Science Desk. She reports for the radio and the Web for NPR's global health and development blog, Goats and Soda. She focuses on disease outbreaks, drug development, and trends in global health.

Reviews

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I resent all parenting books, just like I hate every article that tells me I’m washing my face wrong or eating Tic Tacs wrong or making my grocery list wrong. Like, I’ve made it to age 36 and everything’s pretty much fine so I think I’ve got it under control? I also resented my husband for buying this book because he liked an interview he heard with the author on NPR. Uhhh, our kid is 3? AND A HALF! So I think I’m good, dude. But I read it anyway and the book called me out every time I was dubious and NO WAYing. The author is all like, “I was skeptical, I have a PhD in chemistry, I’m not dumb- I thought, ‘No way!’”. And if there’s one thing I have to respect, it’s a chemistry witch with mind-reading capabilities.

This book is surprisingly helpful and only kind of gimmicky! It’s weird how revolutionary the concept of just doing your chores and hobbies around your kid, instead of doing them when your kid is asleep or away at school, feels. I have more free time later, my kid is learning how to take care of stuff and also entertain themselves without me, and they’re also more chill. Like, day one of barely attempting this and they woke up from their nap telling me helping is their favorite??? Day two and they put on their own shoes???? What???? Ok, sure, I’ll take it. Thanks, stupid helpful well-researched book!

[Phillip · Rating 3 out of 5]

Giving 3.5 stars. Here’s my hot take in a few points:

1) if you get it in your head from the outset that this book is not academic but personal, autobiographical, and pragmatic with some confirmation from academia you’ll enjoy it more.

2) I really loved how practical it was. Strewn with action items and recommendations throughout and illustrates good examples of applications from her own parenting and those she learned from. I’m very interested to implement some of them and see how it turns out

3) I think the scope of the book doesn’t match the ambitions of its title. While there are good snippets where she supports her experiences with three particular cultures more broadly with research from others, it’s still full of so many over-generalizations that could have been avoided if the work were reduced and compiled into a series of essays instead.

4) some things that kind of bugged me were the use of the term “Western Parenting” (think there needs to be more nuance there because that’s got a lot of assumptions baked into it), and a little too much fetishization (in some instances I thought it led to reductive thinking about entire peoples)

5) lastly, something that really bugged me was a stark absence of commentary on fathers and sons until the last chapters (which still left me underwhelmed). Up until her trip to Tanzania the men seem to be either gone or portrayed as pretty dopey, and those ones that are seen positively are not the actual fathers of the children. Also, I might’ve counted wrong but I’m pretty sure there is literally one example in the entire book of a parent implementing one of her principles with a boy. I’m a dad and I have two boys, so definitely a bit of head scratching for me there. Not to be all woe is me privileged white boy dad but in a book that professes to be about universal parenting principles I would’ve loved to see more representative ratios of examples.

All that said I think it’s clear the author put her heart and soul into the book and I really appreciate that she is thoughtfully bringing a broader perspective on family relationships to the attention of us stressed out American parents. We truly need it, and I really hope some of these tips work for us when we try them!

[C · Rating 1 out of 5]

Let me save you some time
1. Give small children helpful household tasks even if they aren't good at them yet.
2. Don't get into power struggles with your children, instead cooperate with them. Stay calm. Talk or play act through the situation later when emotions are under control.

I hated this book. I think it was made worse by the author's insistence on narrating the audiobooks. Her tone was weirdly upbeat and grating. Her perspective was cringe worthy. A PhD reporter living in San Francisco is not the definitive voice on western parenting. What does western even mean? Does she have any background in child psychology? Western anthropology? No. She repeatedly says western in the book, but really she means her household. She seems to have never spent time with an American working class family. The three groups she visits don't seem to be very different from working-class or agricultural families in the US, and neither do many of their dynamics. She came off as tone deaf (look at these magical, primitive people) and extremely biased by her own experience with her own child. I got so tired of hearing about her child Rosie. Rosie is not every child. The author barely acknowledges the stages of childhood development or the needs of particular children. Rosie is also an only child so there is no mention of other family dynamics that come into play.

Also, this book seems sexist (“Thinking of childcare as a one woman show”). Her husband seems to have almost no involvement in parenting other than giving knowing looks. When she is visiting the three groups, I don't think any of her anecdotes involved older brothers taking on any familial responsibilities. Has she never heard that raising a child takes a village? Did she really need to visit three villages to understand the truth of that statement?

I have other complaints, I don't like how she keeps calling her kid a baby (like that's for babies, you're not a baby are you?). I don't like that she didn't address the different adulthoods that a child in San Francisco would have versus a child from the three locations referenced. Would children raised in hunter-gatherer societies be able to thrive in the culture her daughter will live in?

I thought the book was best when sharing broad evolutionary or anthropological overviews. There was a huge decline in quality when she shifted back to the first person and kept talking about her singular experience as a middle/upper class US coastal mom who thought she was supposed to do all child raising on her own. I had heard her on NPR so now that I am about to become a parent I have been tearing through recent popular parenting books. I should've left it at the short form NPR segment instead of dragging myself through this vanity project. This is one you can definitely skip.

[Sarah Cole · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this book. On one hand, I picked up a handful of tips that have really worked for us
On the other hand, the author’s “better parenting”involves saying things like “oh, you can’t do it because you’re a whiney baby?” Um... what?!

I couldn’t help feeling like the author still didn’t fully grasp all of the concepts that people were trying to explain. The author is still very focused on controlling her child at the end, she just now does it differently. Better probably overall... but she keeps using the word “train” which makes me cringe. They aren’t puppies.

What I mostly got from this book is:
- parents talk too much. No wonder they tune us out.
- we expect too much from our kids.
- do it with them rather than asking them to do things alone.
- there are lots of ways to say “no” other than saying “no”
-call attention to their behavior and allow them to draw their own conclusions.
-don’t be so obsessed about your kid listening to every single thing you say.
-take the emotion out of it.

Good lessons over all. But I’m still not sure I recommend the book unless you are really able to throw out of stuff and just take a few small gems.

[Tiffany · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some issues with this book:
• The advice is not supported by research. The author relies on her limited observations of other families, and on the results of applying techniques to a one person sample, her own daughter.
• The author assumes that child-rearing methods from other cultures are ideal for producing children that are well-prepared to contend with western culture.
• The author presents an over-simplified picture of the cultures she visits and never moves past the surface-level observations of the one or two childcare tips she adopts from each.
• The advice is sometimes contradictory. On the one hand, the author advocates for raising a child that has an intrinsic motivation to help and do the right thing, while on the other hand, she thinks it’s a good idea to scare your child into believing that they will be abducted by a monster if they don’t do what you tell them. The ‘scare them into compliance’ advice is especially disturbing because it’s most strongly advocated for use on children under age 6, who aren’t yet able to fully discern between fiction and nonfiction. Parenting through fear is an antiquated and unacceptable approach in 2021. How can a parent build trust when they are actively misrepresenting the world to manipulate their children?
• The advice in many cases seems to ignore the developmental stages of childhood and sometimes advocates belittling children who are behaving in ways that are expected. For example, toddlers and young children often have strong emotional responses because they can’t yet regulate emotions or express themselves verbally as well as they’d like. The author advises that you either ignore your child when they’re upset or call them a baby. Shaming your child into behaving the way you want them to is not a kind approach.
• In some cases the advice is more about what’s convenient for the parents than what will enrich the child. For example, the author argues that children don’t need toys; children can get everything they need by just following their parents around and watching them do chores. The author also says that there’s no reason to spend time doing kid-centered activities, and they should just do what the parents want to do. This means no enrichment trips to children’s museums, less social interaction with other kids, etc. The author doesn’t give any reason why the interests of parents are more important than the interests of kids.
• Where are the males in this book?

Overall, it seems that the author goes too far with her advice, picking up a nugget of wisdom, and turning it into something extreme. She takes what could be reasonable advice (let your child help you do chores, even if it makes things more difficult in the moment) to something ridiculous (don’t buy your child toys; don’t take your child to do things that are child-centered activities; let them get ALL of their enrichment from watching you do chores); it's unfortunate, because there are good ideas here but they are sort of warped by the author's interpretation and application.

[Leah · Rating 1 out of 5]

I mean.. it’s a white woman teaching brown culture. It made me deeply uncomfortable, even if she donates 30% of her profit, it isn’t her culture. It’s like cultural tourism voyeurism and more than a little cringey

Where are the men and boys? All the examples of helpful children are girls helping with chores while boys play in the yard. And where are the dads?

The absolutes are so click baity. No toys! But okay some toys, and give away toys every month. No praise! But okay some praise but have no praise days.

Children raising children is a no from me.

Shaming children by labeling them with negative character traits is a helllll no from me.

I do like all the independent “let kids be helpful” part of the family stuff. But all that’s in Montessori toddler.

[Monica · Rating 2 out of 5]

TL;DR - Instead of this book, I recommend The Montessori Toddler, The Whole Brain Child, and The Absorbent Mind (by Maria Montessori).

At first, this book seemed promising and interesting, but I’ve read a lot of parenting books, follow a lot of parents on Instagram and YouTube, and I listen to Dr. Becky Good Inside and Janet Lansbury via podcasts.

This author seemingly has never heard of Montessori as a philosophy, yet it has been around for at least a hundred years. She makes absolutely no mention of it in the book, and that worried me.

I mostly disliked this book because I feel the author generalizes too much - about what American parents are like, what non “Western” parents are like, and what you “should” do with your kids. However, she has no real qualifications and her book mostly uses her experiences shadowing and interviewing different families.

She has a pretty extreme perspective, in my opinion. She yelled at her toddler over many things, scheduled tons of activities for her toddler to do that she disliked being a part of, hates playing on the playground with her toddler, and felt pressured to buy tons of toys and things for her daughter because that’s what she saw around her, I guess.

Even when I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to buy way too many toys, totally babify our living room, constantly yell at my kid, or push them away when they wanted to help out around the house. So I read a lot of books and found lots of parents who share their experiences and Montessori is where I align most. There are lots of resources for those who’d like to learn about Montessori and the way it allows children to learn through doing, allows them to make mistakes, emphasizes a prepared environment to eliminate too many struggles for the child or parent/guardian, etc. Positive discipline/gentle parenting examples are also abundant these days with social media, so I was shocked that this author had never come across any of those until she visited other countries for work.

I disagreed with many of her conclusions, including: a) it’s necessary and useful sometimes to pretend that monsters exist in order to scare your child into not doing something (wearing the same dress all day, opening the fridge too much, etc.) b) you should shame your child into not doing something by asking “would a baby do that?” and c) that you should get rid of all your child’s toys and activities and only do what the family would already do (obviously excess is not good, but play is the work of the child and we can provide learning opportunities to our children through open-ended and specific toys designed for them to use and learn through).

Many things in this book are great, but the author touts them as things that “only non-Americans do” or things that no American parent would ever even think to do unless they read this book. There are SO many resources for parents, now, and I think for this author to claim that all of the parenting books she read to center around (what she calls) WEIRD parenting and not include anything about toddlers being naturally helpful, babies being able to learn on their own, etc. is bizarre. She also keeps using the word “train” and it makes me cringe after reading The Absorbent Mind. The Babies documentary on Netflix also highlights “Western” research and how much we know about babies and toddlers now that we have thinks like brain scans, etc.

I’d give this book a pass, or recommend you skim it for the good details, but ignore the talk about how other cultures are superior, etc. because that comes off as ignorant in my opinion.

[Bryan Tanner · Rating 4 out of 5]

BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front):
White, educated, San Francisco mom gets slapped in the face by her 3-year-old. Together, they travel the world gathering parenting tips from "Hunter Gatherer" moms (Mayan, Inuit, Tanzanian). Now, the daughter slaps her less.

Summary:
The author summarizes her research in an acronym that helps children feel they are part of the family "TEAM".
T - Togetherness — A Mayan mother taught Doucleff to include children in every aspect of adult life, including housework, cooking, and other day-to-day work, and the children will be happier, calmer, and naturally helpful. No privileged kid-focused activities necessary; just include them in age-appropriate ways in the stuff you do naturally as parents.
E - Encourage-never force — From the Inuits, Doucleff discovered that parents rarely punish or scold their children. “They believe that trying to control a child prevents their development and simply stresses the parent-child relationship.”(p. 159) Encouraging instead of forcing requires adults to control their own emotions. Parents need to “be the adult” in the relationship and consider the child’s level of emotional intelligence.
A - Autonomy — One way the author describes autonomy is to minimize [parental] bossiness. How many times a day do you tell your child what to do? The author discovered it way too many times. The Hadzabe culture taught Doucleff how to engender autonomy within her daughter. Autonomy is different than independence. An autonomous child is still part of the whole. They have accountability to the family. A child who lives with autonomy [while feeling like an integral part of the team] learns to be self-sufficient and confident.
M - Minimal Interference — Our western culture seems to value providing endless activities and entertainment to give our children a full life. The result is that children have very little downtime and become entitled. Parents set the schedule and tone and children have the autonomy to choose their behavior. Parents should only interfere when safety is an issue, or to teach a cultural value.

THE GOOD: General Parenting Tips I Agreed With

- Consumerism has taught us to believe that our kids need special toys. Pre-industrial world history proves that pre-fabricated toys are not necessary for a wonderful childhood. Like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, kids will find a way [to play].

- Why do Mayan kids literally love to find ways to help? It is a carefully cultivated way of life that Mayans call, acamedido. Each family member views one’s self as an essential, everyday support to one another. Each family member's contributions (no matter their age) are important to the success of family life. For example, when my 3-year-old wants to “help” while I’m stressed, holding a power tool, and trying to fix something I barely understand, it takes everything I’ve got just to stay focused. But even then, it’s probably worth pausing to let him feel like he’s contributing—even if it means more work for me later. I want to remember that this is a valuable investment. I truly believe it’s important to teach a child that their help matters. That sense of teamwork and finding small ways to be helpful builds belonging.

- Receiving constant verbal instruction stresses kids out. When correction is absolutely necessary, talkative Western parents (like my wife and I) could try employing more looks and fewer verbal commands. Extreme example: Doucleff witnessed a child pick up a large butcher's knife among a group of women. No one freaked out. They just watched and when the child put the knife down, one of the women was there to calmly pick up the knife and place it out of the child's reach.

- Ask questions instead of giving commands. For example, if my child hands me their doll to carry, instead of saying, "no" I could try, "am I a donkey?" If they are about to hit their little sibling, ask, "Will that hurt?" The point is to get kids to think/problem-solve instead of memorizing.

- Children don't see a difference between adult work and play. Parents don't need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities, that's play for kids.

- Every time you stop yourself from acting in anger, you model for your child a calm way to deal with frustrations. They learn to stay composed when anger arises. So to help a child learn emotional regulation, the number one thing parents can do is learn to regulate their own emotions. When they start getting out of control, bring them in and go super zen.

- Multiage playgroups not only give parents extra time to themselves, they also give children a physical and mental boost [like mixed-age Montessori classrooms].

- React with peace and gentleness to children. Respond to misbehavior by ignoring, redirecting, modeling, encouraging, and other kind educational methods.

- Give children autonomy in a safe way that builds both their confidence and their feeling of responsibility to their family and community.

- Ingredients to learn any skill: 1 cup Practice + 1 cup Modeling + 1 tsp. Acknowledging = Skill Learned.

THE BAD?: Three Issues Some Critics Took Issue With (But Not Me)

1. Lack of trustworthiness — Some questioned Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff's credentials. She has a Ph.D. in chemistry and has journalistic experience covering epidemics in Africa—not anthropology. Additionally, some readers were alarmed by a lack of this book's complimentary research (no mention of Montessori), leading them to wonder if she performed a robust literature review at all. Finally, some took issue with her low sample sizes—basically one mom from each of the "non-Western" cultures she visited, and her daughter, Rosie. Instead of making it clear that the reader was responsible for transferring principles (inherent to qualitative research), Doucleff generalized observations of a single participant to describe an entire people. Some also got irked by incessant references to her daughter "Ro-Ro," as if all these "dip-your-toe" techniques will work equally well among all "Western" children. Honestly, none of those things bothered me. This is valuable case study research.

2. Sexist — An implicit assumption of Doucleff's research and writing is that the role of parenting is universally performed by women. What is the role of fathers in parenting? This Fatherly article answers with another question, “who knows?” For me, the principles herein were tacitly intended to apply to all parents.

3. Generalization — Doucleff writes about her own household expenses as if it represents all of "Western culture". She assumes that every "Western" (American/European) parent struggles with the same things she does. She fails to acknowledge culturally diverse families in the West that have already incorporated these principles or may not struggle with her same issues. Like so many great researchers, Doucleff’s research began with “me-search.” Perhaps she could have addressed this criticism by more explicitly positioning this book as her personal self-help journey. Since I happen to resonnate with many of the same controversial, "modern" beliefs Doucleff challenged, this didn’t disrupt my reading experience either.

THE UGLY: Parenting Techniques I Took Issue With

The following three parenting techniques were a bit more concerning for me. They clashed with my U.S. cultural upbringing and I failed to see the benefits outweighing the potential harms:

1. Shaming kids by asking questions (that aren't accusatory or denigrating) [ex: "Who made this mess?" "Who's ignoring me?" "What am I, a trash can?". If said calmly and in the right setting, I’m sure this would work fine. However, in less-practiced parenting environments, I worry that these playful explorations could be received as passive-aggressive accusations that escalate frustration for both parent and child, especially if parents are having a tough time maintaining emotional control over themselves.

2. The Celtic technique of teaching 0-6-year-olds (who have trouble distinguishing reality from fiction) about the multitude of monsters that will get them as a way to regulate behavior. I don’t know enough about child psychology and development to evaluate the full impact of these stories (regardless of whether or not the child is old enough to differentiate what is real from what is not).

3. Parents can teach children that certain emotions aren't valued in the home by not responding to those emotions. This is done by ignoring/looking past the child. Generally, I like the idea of acknowledging good and disincentivizing the bad. But O fear some Western parent might take this to an extreme resulting in neglect.

Perhaps some of these culturally-specific techniques require more skills than some Western parents possess to yield a successful outcome. Perhaps some techniques require a cultural support system to ameliorate their potential negative effects. I may skip some of these.

Review:

On the whole, I enjoyed Dr. Doucleff's book (4 stars).

The most enjoyable part of the book for me was Section 1, Ch. 2, which dethroned the unassailable wisdom of Western parenting. Apparently, the literature is built upon male psychologists and hobbyists who wrote pamphlets in the industrial era on how to run high-capacity orphanages. I especially liked the part on the origin of sleep training and beliefs build upon small-sample studies like the one "proving" peanut butter allergies.

Articles about this book:
NYT - How Do Maya Parents Handle Temper Tantrums?

The Atlantic - There’s a Better Way to Parent: Less Yelling, Less Praise

Similar Book Recommendations:
The Idle Parent: Why Laid-Back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids

The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

The Montessori Toddler, The Whole Brain Child, and The Absorbent Mind (by Maria Montessori)

[Samantha · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't really recommend reading this book unless you want to be rolling your eyes 75% of the time. It can make reading it difficult! Before getting this book from the library I read her article in the Atlantic (my family members without kids forwarded it to me! How nice!) and it was pretty much more of the same, although the author is even more obnoxious in the longer format.

Before I launch into more complaints, I will say that there were some good parts. Some good points mixed in with all of the useless parenting advice that ranges from the complete obvious (don't yell at your kids at bedtime) to the utterly stupid (take your kids to work! They'll learn to adapt to the work environment!). Sorry, the good stuff. Yes, it did make me think a little bit. New perspectives are always appreciated.

I feel like I should win an award for reading this book, she paints herself as a genuinely terrible caregiver who do has no idea how deal with a child then visits a bunch of "primitive" villages and waxes on forever about how great the way they handle their kids is without even a pinch of skepticism. The "supermoms" (barf at that term) of the Maya village literally wake up at 5am to start pounding corn to make tortillas while their husbands are off who knows where and all Doucleff can think about is how great it is that the oldest of the 6 children help take care of the younger ones. So innovative! Nevermind that is always how it works when you have 6 kids - try talking to someone outside of your upper class bubble every once in a while.

Anyway, if you already think that modern = bad and primitive = good and you want a book to reinforce your beliefs while giving you 80% crap parenting advice then this book is for you. I honestly don't know why I read it.

[Traci Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated the advice and suggestions in this book. Lots of helpful ideas and tips. The ways were encouraged to change our approach to parenting made lots of sense. The author is a white woman and there seems to be a fetishization of other cultures that felt a little off. Also way too much personal interest from the author. This book could’ve easily been 100 pages shorter had it focused on the parenting and less on scene setting.

[Maya Kukudzhanova · Rating 1 out of 5]

... my, this book is a bad joke.

Having a PhD in chemistry and education in the wine fermenting space, the author feels presumptuous enough to advise in the area she neither has experience nor any qualifications.

Verily, you can pick up better advice by visiting the playground and chatting with moms/nanas/carers, let alone professional child psychologists and pediatricians.

Maybe the author did an excellent job covering the Ebola outbreak, but her "ability to perform research" does not translate to her ability to interpret the research adequately. Still, the "research" she did for this book is very controversial.

The cherry on top - the author advises to scare children with the monsters, having each one for each problematic situation.

This book is the worst parenting book I've read so far.

[Maria McGrath · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think that if this book had been around sooner, my teens and young adult would be even happier and more self-actualized. I've been reading parenting and child development books for about twenty years now (my oldest is 20), and some have been real standouts, but this is the first that really steps back from scientific studies to take a longer and wider view. Rather than contrasting Western parenting styles with what the rest of the world does, Doucleff looks at the practices of more rural societies in Mexico, Tanzania, and Canada, who live more communally and traditionally and, seemingly consequently, have much calmer children and much less fraught parent-child relations.
Doucleff bravely cites all the mistakes she makes in her own parenting journey and the baffled but kind reactions she receives from her hosts while at the same time laying out helpful action steps for parents who are interested in adopting her newly learned techniques ("Dip Your Toe").
I'm lucky that I stumbled onto The Idle Parent: Why Laid-Back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids years ago, as well as the excellent The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, which eloquently and repeatedly argues that kids will make reasonable decisions if given the chance and the right information--we really don't have to manipulate kids for their own good, and if we do, it will always (eventually) backfire.
As a children's librarian, the most interesting and novel aspect of the book was the argument, which makes a lot of sense when I look back at the development of my own children, that almost all toys, especially learning toys, are unnecessary and can even hinder development, because they raise a barrier between kids and the real adult world that they are desperate to enter. Fake phones, fake food, and setting kids off to one side while the real work of the household gets done gives them a sense that they are incapable of contributing and dampens their strong drive to help. It's much better to let the child into the kitchen, office, or workroom and give them a small task--pull leaves off herbs, staple papers, etc.
As a parent, though, the biggest takeaway is to cut down on wasted words. I was lucky enough to get ahold of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk when my oldest was three, and that book made a convincing argument against ever trying to use logic to compel cooperation, but Doucleff really doubles down on that concept. As long as a child is not in imminent physical danger, use as few words as possible and watch as things unfold. It's lovely to watch her own journey from being constantly hyped up and stressed, a state her daughter mirrors, to regaining a sense of calm, which is then passed straight along to her child.

[Anya Bird · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be fair, I didn’t realise this was a parenting book and thought it was more a history of how parenting practices developed. But it was awful. The author seems like she’s really lacking in any kind of normal parenting skills and is then absolutely amazed when other people are able to parent their children without shouting and crying. She gives ridiculous tips such as letting your child try things for themselves, wait until they are tired before putting them to bed and treat people you pay to look after your child with respect. She acts as if the whole western world use her former awful parenting approach and like basically raising children in a normal way is revolutionary. Not to mention the sexist and heteronormative language and ideas throughout the book. This really was the worst thing I’ve read in a long time.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

tl;dr this book is good for people who are interested in how moms in non-American cultures approach challenges of raising little kids, or if you are similar to the author in being at your wits end with your little kid but learning best from observing a whole integrated approach (cultural practices vs. pick and choose from different popular books).

I think this is one of those books that's not been set up for success by its marketing. I think learning about how other cultures do things is an incredibly fascinating topic, but I also can't help but roll my eyes at yet another parenting book positioning itself as saying non-Americans do it better than Americans. And this is with me agreeing with so many of the proposed alternative strategies too! You never see a more thorough reflection about who benefits in the American system:
* kids and young adults can pursue their own interests if they aren't contributing to collective care for younger children
* adults who don't like kids can be away from kids
* I expect there's a lot more diversity of approaches that American families take, as compared to cultures that strongly emphasize The One Right Way We Do Things
* increasing (at least, I hope) expectation that boys and fathers will also develop their emotional resiliency and caregiving skills (there are a handful of involved dads included, but no older boys helping out the family in the way that the older girls do)
etc.
Everything's a tradeoff but there are still benefits to an individualistic society that a lot of people happily partake in, until they have babies, at which point you realize that we are definitely not meant to raise kids in such an isolated way.

This should have been positioned as like, memoir of a mom who took her toddler on trips to remote areas and improved her parenting skills in an immersion environment--with helpful, realistic takeaways to bring back to the U.S. The summaries of tips are really well done actually, with the reasoning laid out and practical examples given.

It's just that despite the author trying not to fetishize non-(white) American cultures (and walking the walk by giving 35% of her advance to the families and communities she stayed with), I feel like plenty of these ideas are derivable from the right American parenting books just fine. Extensive international travel was not necessary at all. Examples: The Whole Brain Child (directly referenced), How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Free-Range Parenting, Montessori and RIE books, etc. I'm not happy about it but I definitely judged the author's research skills (via books) a lot until she shared more of her background in growing up in a "viciously angry home" and how isolated she was postpartum. Good on her for being as vulnerable and honest as she was about her approach prior to taking these trips.

============================

A bit of history on American parenting:
* by dividing up powerful families and clans, the church likely set off a chain reaction that shifted the way people think and what they value...the longer a community had been exposed to the Catholic Church's marriage restrictions, the more likely people in that community thought like Westerners do--that is, they valued individualism, nonconformity, and other psychological traits unique to the West.
* the advice books we have today, which are 'swollen descendants of terse little booklets written by eighteenth-century doctors for the use of nurse in the foundling hospitals'
* In the 1960s, parenting experts used guilt, shame, and fear to charge American parents with a new task: stimulate, instruct, and teach children, at every moment. This high-energy, high-talking approach stuck like superglue in American culture. We take the practice for granted.
Western culture is likely the only place where the concept of 'self-esteem' exists--and we are definitely the only culture that requires parents to maintain and cultivate it in their children...the approach requires that parents spend a great deal of time and energy monitoring their children's behavior
* you see this same pattern repeating again and again in key aspects of Western parenting. A practice comes along at the right time in history; it becomes overhyped by the media, psychologists, pediatricians, public health experts, or all four combined; and then its importance is amplified by a product you must buy or a scary self-help book you must read.
* Why do I feel the need to control Rosy's behavior so much? To guide and narrow her path through the world? ...I reach a simple conclusion: I think this is what a good parent does. I believe that the more I say to Rosy--and the more I instruct her--the better parent I am. I believe that all these commands will keep Rosy safe and teach her to be a respectful, kind person.

Ideas I learned:
* acomedido: it's not just doing a chore or task because someone told you to; it's knowing which kind of help is appropriate at a particular moment because you're paying attention
* When you invite the child to help, remember the invitation is always to work together. You're not asking the child to perform the task alone.
Praise...can cause strife among siblings, because praise breeds competition. * Psychologists have found that when young children grow up hearing frequent praise, they learn, from an early age, to compete with siblings for approval and attention from their parents.
* When a child breaks rules, acts demanding, or seems "willful," their parents need to put them to work. The child is saying, "Hey, Mom, I'm underemployed over here and it doesn't feel good."

Ideas I already agreed with:
* Children don't see a difference between adult work and play...Parents don't need to know how to play with kids. If we get kids involved in adult activities, that's play for kids.
* parents and other caretakers don't constantly give instructions, commands, and warnings
* Every time you stop yourself from acting in anger, your child sees a calm way to deal with frustrations. They learn to stay composed when anger arises. So to help a child learn emotional regulation, the number one thing parents can do is learn to regulate their own emotions.
* Instead of characterizing young children as manipulative button-pushers trying to make us angry, what if we think of them as illogical, newbie citizens trying to figure out the proper behavior?
* See tantrums as a chance for the child to practice calming themselves down, and for you to model calmness--not the time for you, as their parent, to prove a point.
* American parents tend to rely on verbal instruction and explanations to change children's behavior. But words are often the least effective way to communicate with children, especially young children.
* they believe that children know best how to learn and grow. Anything a parent says--the vast majority of the time--will only get in the child's way.
* the formula: practice, model, and acknowledge
* multiage playgroups not only give parents extra time to themselves, they also give children a physical and mental boost [like mixed age Montessori classrooms]
* the ideas are described as a "universal parenting approach" which sounds grandiose at first but I think it does generally track, in that brain development in kids is pretty consistent across history and the world; nonetheless, Magda Gerber and Maria Montessori were already way on top of many of these aspects thanks to observing a lot of children.

Phrasings I identified with:
* I didn't know how to be a good mother. Never before had I been so bad at something that I wanted to be good at. Never before had the gap between my actual skill and the skill level I desired been so crushingly wide.
* In Western culture, we tend to think of motherhood as 'an instinct that comes as naturally to women as the sex drive does to men'...But in reality, parenting is a learned skill. (imo this is true, Americans are really into the idea of "listening to your gut")
* Here in the U.S., we overestimate children's emotional abilities. We expect children at a very young age--even eighteen months to two years old--to have well-developed executive function and to understand sophisticated emotional concepts such as respect, generosity, and self-control. And when they don't demonstrate these qualities, we become frustrated and lose patience with them. Many Inuit parents view children from an opposing perspective. They *expect* children to have poor executive function and poor emotional control, and they see it as their job to teach children these skills. Basically, when a child doesn't listen or behave, the reason is simple: The child hasn't learned that particular skill yet. And perhaps, they aren't quite ready to learn it. So there's no reason for a parent to get upset or angry.

Ideas I disagree with:
* The questions aren't accusatory or denigrating [ex: "Who made this mess?" "Who's ignoring me?" "What am I, a trash can?". They aren't meant to make a child defensive. [can be effective if playful, but generally seem very easy to be accusatory/passive-aggressive and escalate a frustration]
* parents can teach children which emotions aren't valued in the home by not responding to those emotions. [this is done by ignoring/looking past the child]
* She accepted her discomfort. She learned to control her emotions, and she did it all by herself. [I'm skeptical, I think it's more learning to withhold expression of feelings]
* the author does a thing of putting helicopter parenting and free-range parenting at opposite ends of a spectrum about controlling kids, which is a misunderstanding

[Rachael · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was hard to read and nothing at all what I thought it was going to be.... I would never, ever treat anyone the way she treats her child, and I cringed every time she talked about her daughter. When she described how she speaks to her three year old, I was appalled. Instead of writing a book about parenting, I think Mrs. Doucleff should have spent more time reparenting herself or perhaps in some kind of therapy as she behaved so much worse than her child. Clearly this woman had spent very little time with children before having her daughter and failed miserably to see she was the majority of the problem in her family.

There were so many problematic things but I will highlight her incredible audacity in taking her child to ancient cultures and having them teach her about parenting. The arrogance one must have to pack up a three year old and take her to the Tanzanian bush to have the people there share their culture and knowledge is astounding. I was horrified when reading about her tagging along on a hunt with four men from the Hadzabe community. So many head shakes throughout reading this.

If you want to learn about other culture's ways of parenting, go to the source. Find books written by individuals in those cultures or by anthropologists who have lived in and studied these societies but bring far less baggage and drama to their work. I love to read about other people's way of life, which is why I picked up "Hunt, Gather, Parent." I was hoping for more of that in this work but was very disappointed in how much it was about her and her issues. She does reference the work of some anthropologists and psychologist who work with or had worked with Mayan, Inuit, and Hadzabe communities so I look forward to reading their work for better information.

If you want better parenting books with similar messages, read Rebecca Eanes "Positive Parenting" or anything by Dr. Maria Montessori, as her ideas are exactly the same -child autonomy, respect the child, follow the child, etc. (Even if you do not educate with the Montessori way, her scientific studies on children and insights about behavior and needs are far superior than this author's work.)

There are better books to read about parenting. Do not waste your time with this one.

[Joachim Stoop · Rating 5 out of 5]

Het gebeurt niet vaak dat ik een non-fictie werk zo fel wil aanprijzen, laat staan een opvoedboek. Het gebeurt nog minder dat iets mijn bullshit-meter en scepsis doorstaat en daadwerkelijk mijn eigen gedrag doet veranderen.

Ja, ze stelt haar eigen slechte voorbeeld van vroeger als mama soms wat te scherp en aangedikt. Ja het is wat breedvoerig en repetitief. Maar het feit dat ik na enkele weken van toepassing van deze werkwijze al positieve evoluties merk in ons gezin en het gedrag van mijn kindjes is onbetaalbaar en vergeeft enkele literaire zwaktes.

Ik geloof haar premisse rotsvast: enkel de laatste generaties in het rijke westen staan pedagogisch haaks op de rest vd wereld en geschiedenis. Onze gejaagdheid, werkdruk, Olympische gedachtes hebben onze opvoeding mismeesterd.

Wat dan wel?

Helpen in het gezin. Gezin als groep. Samenwerken. Minder prijzen. Meer verantwoordelijkheid en autonomie aan de kroost. Meer kalmte, loslaten, vertrouwen, het goede voorbeeld geven. Meer hulp vragen, community building. Minder instructies, zelf invullen, minder frictie etc.zorgt nu al voor meer zelfvertrouwen, kalmte en vrede bij ons. En dat voor pakweg 20 euro!

[Dani · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read the first section, lightly skimmed the next couple, and scanned through the last. Two stars because it refreshed a couple very basic parenting truths I needed to rehear, namely that (1) teaching kids to help is messy, but worth it, and (2) staying calm helps kids calm down.

But otherwise, this book is not worth it, for too many reasons. I started to write them all and didn’t want to think about it anymore. 😅

ADDENDUM: A few months later, I can still remember the things that bothered me most about this book.
1. The absence of fathers, especially her own husband.
2. The generalization of all “western parenting.” If the author had visited a Montessori school (100% sure that San Francisco has a few) or a homeschooling large family, she would have discovered at least half of the things she found by traveling the world. (And I say that as neither a homeschooler nor a Montessori advocate!)

[Hanna Way · Rating 5 out of 5]

the only parenting book any of us need tbh

[Lgordo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I finally found a parenting book I adore. If you have an inkling that your job as a parent is to produce competent adults of good character, but somehow find yourself trapped in the role of Chief Entertainment Officer to children of dubiously developing nature, this might be your book too.

The ironic part is, I resisted reading this for years. I knew the author relied heavily on Jean Baffin's work, and I had read her NPR piece. I believed that both she and Baffin overlooked one enormously confounding factor in their conclusions: the children they studied were growing up in a mono-culture. When they looked at adults for "how to be when you grow up" they don't see the options of "stoner skater" or "vapid celebrity." They don't see other kids getting to go to Disney or spending hours a day on video games. They have limited options for terrible role models, so they grow into the roles available.

Even Briggs felt this pressure. When she realized that she was surliest person in the igloo, and that the Inuit considered her childish, she tried to rein in her outbursts.

It is notable that the children Doucleff describes as voluntarily washing dishes and preparing meals are *girls*. It is clear to me that these girls are growing into their assigned social roles, not just being helpful. If the practices produced *helpful* children then there would be boys doing dishes and brushing their little sister's hair as well. There are no boys in this book. I repeat: no boys. Well, there is one. He takes 15 minutes to find his shoes.

Another reason to remove a star is that Doucleff apparently researched and wrote this entire thing in a year, because Rosie doesn't seem to age beyond age 4. Most parenting books are written by people with more distance and perspective. I read to my husband the effusive epilogue where her 3yo daughter does a load of laundry. He was unimpressed. Once, when I asked my 3yo to take a blanket down to the laundry room, he put it into the machine and turned it on, starting the load. Because that's how 3yos are. I would be very curious to know if Rosie is still cheerfully doing laundry at age 7.

I think it's essential that Doucleff advocates turning off the TV and minimizing exposure to "child culture." You need to take distance from a culture that actively sabotages anyone trying to raise children with character and responsibility. It helps you create a tiny island of monoculture where family values take precedence.

But the real value Doucleff provides is showing how you can apply some quiet, traditional parenting techniques to the modern world. Some of the parenting techniques can turn off western parents, as they appear to be teasing children, name calling, disdaining, or lying to them. In fact, there is a fair bit of whitewashing in this book, as Doucleff glosses over the less appealing practices, or spins them into something western, respectful parents can get behind. If you read the original anthropological materials, the picture isn't quite as loving or cozy. But there can still be something for western parents to learn.


It should be noted that this is not really a subsection of "gentle parenting" although the outcome iss quite gentle. There is no pandering to children here. Children need to learn how to be adults, although it's okay if they fail. But nobody is going to provide positive feedback for those failures, the way Gentle Parenting gurus seem to advise.

That said, I'm still struggling to really see how to apply these strategies to everything that has me losing my shit. That’s the main failing of this book. It needs waaay more examples. The other downside, of course, is that by glossing over the less gentle techniques that accompany the practices in this book, HGP holds western parents to a very high standard, without the outlets provided to the indiginous parents.

Somehow, our society has fallen into the trap of the "magical childhood." We've forgotten that the primary job of children is to learn how to become competent adults. This book recenters that goal. Doucleff's tour de force is making it sound like fun for the whole family.

[Numidica · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a bit like a textbook, but that's not entirely a bad thing. Michaeleen Doucleff has researched the ways in which traditional societies raise children to be responsible, happy members of their families and communities, and she has arrived at an interesting and not surprising conclusion: helicopter parenting is the opposite of what is called for to raise good children. In the Mayan communities of Mexico, the hunter-gatherer peoples of Tanzania, and the traditionally-living Inuit of the Arctic, she has found practical methods of raising children effectively, without drama, without ordering kids around from one activity to the next, while naturally growing the independence and autonomy they must have to be good adults.

One of the biggest takeaways from the the child-rearing techniques of those peoples is that western parents talk too much. We give our kids instructions, tell them "don't touch that!", tell them "get ready for school!", etc ad infinitum. Doucleff's experience tells her this is the opposite of the way to get children to do what is needed. The right way involves a lesson in leadership, which dictates that parents show, not tell, and understand that their children are trying to help, even when it seems they are not. High energy from parents usually backfires, whereas low energy, or at least low energy directed at children, yields real results. The anecdotes from Tanzania, the Arctic, and the Yucatan are fascinating and illustrative of her points.

In each chapter, Doucleff outlines concrete approaches to teaching children to be the helpers they really want to be, and that you want them to be. Is it work? Yes, but her point is that time invested early pays off in children who become autonomous, but tightly integrated to the family, like a team member, earlier by far than that happens (if it happens) in western culture. I have a year-old grandson, so I read this with more than casual interest, and it made me reflect on the approach my parents took, which was more directive (and less successful) with my sister, as opposed to the more laid back approach they took with me. Perhaps they were just exhausted from dealing with my sister.....

Highly recommended for parents or any childcare provider.

[Kelly Jerome · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not worth the read. Author uses personal experiences as scientific evidence. She has a PhD in chemistry, not child development. I'm sure visiting other cultures and witnessing their lifestyles is very life changing, and made her parenting journey different, but the book makes her out to be a parenting expert. I'm not being mean, but honestly she's a mother of a toddler, she's surviving, just like all parents of toddlers. Lol

[Shelby · Rating 5 out of 5]

OKAY. So I have a lot to say about this book and not a lot of battery left.
It was fabulous, it truly felt like Doucleff knew the ins and outs of my relationship with my toddler, and her parenting advice from non western cultures felt so relevant and eye opening, I have not been able to stop talking about it. Seriously, I won't shut up. I knew about the inuit ways of viewing children as emotionally 'dumb' so that section was not new, but the Mayan way of building helpful children, and giving them their membership card just awed me. It made PERFECT sense. I frequently try to get my daughter to play (currently almost two) anytime I get going on chores because she always tries to undo the chore, no matter what. If it is laundry you can beet your bottom dollar she will rip folder clothes out of the basket. Dinner time? She's going for that knife. You get the picture. TEAM parenting makes so much sense, Doucleff took the time to introduce us to the families who helped her, not just writing a how to manual, and often her visual language was cheesy, but effective. but hey, she's a scientist.

I marked up my copy heavily, and immediately gave it to my MIL under the guise of "OMG YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!" (but really that woman just undoes any strides we make with my daughter because #grandma.

So the nitty gritty, yes I gave it five stars but it still had some problems. First off, I'd like to acknowledge some of the reviews I have seen that she "fetishizes" the non western culture. I thought long and hard, but I honest to god think that is inaccurate. She is clearly very excited about them, and in awe of their knowledge but it just seems like the appropriate response to the fact that western parenting is bananas and we are constantly told that western-ism is more advanced and better but then she got to see the truth, we suck (I Know this is pretty obvious to me already, but I never realized how bad we sucked with kids).


Now the real problem. This book was so clearly written by a wealthy woman I just could NOT handle it. It was not overly frequent, and I believe once or twice she mentioned her obvious socioeconomic privilege, but at least 5 times she mentioned thing that were presumptuous because we are westerners we obviously have. The example that first comes to mind is that, in our western culture out 'alloparents' the nannys, baby sitters, and daycare workers who watch our kids deserve the best possible compensation etc.. OKAY. Girl we do not all have nannys, and we can not all afford daycare and babysitters. When she talked about how her postpartum depression got so bad that after a few months her therapist told her to get a nanny I just sighed. In many ways she is NOT relatable. She also acts like all westerners parent in this exact way, and ignores the facts that many low income families have multi-generational households, as well as many non white people, regardless of income. (There might be white people out there that chose this route but I am not familiar, but I also didn't try to write a book on this topic so I am fine with my current ignorance).

So that being said, the parenting advice was EXCELLENT, her depiction of her time spent with those cultures was really interesting, her daughter reminds me greatly of my own, and I really did enjoy reading this book, and will recommend it to anyone with children at any age. But when I do choose to push this book, I will tell them "hey it was very obviously written by a wealthy woman and that is pretty annoying".

[Rebecca Shelton · Rating 1 out of 5]

I usually just delete books that I DNF but this one warrants somewhat of a review. I got about halfway through this one before I realized that I didn't care to finish (even though it's a book club pick, yikes. Sorry Sandra!!).

My initial thoughts are that this is a privileged white woman teaching cultural parenting that she is not a part of. I'm happy that she is donating some proceeds, but it still just didn't sit right with me. Especially because it seemed like the author still missed the mark in explaining some of the teachings.

The narration was AWFUL, I did not enjoy her voice or inflections at all.

As far as the (good) parenting advice goes, it seemed really in line with what I already do. For example, natural consequences, letting kids help no matter their abilities, teaching kids to help, involving kids in adult activities and outings instead of letting kids rule the schedule.

What I don't condone is the sarcasm and shame that she attached to her parenting. There was a definite disconnect between listening to the stories from the indigenous families and then listening to how the author implemented them. For example, the author uses sarcasm to ask for help like "Don't help too much!" That kind of passive-aggressive communication is everything that we're trying to avoid in our household. She also implements shame into her communication. For example: "So and so didn't help. We could have finished faster if they did." "You need to try harder." "Oh, you didn't help because you're a baby?" It really grossed me out, to be honest. She also advocates not giving praise or thank yous for helping because it just becomes expected. I'm an adult who grew up with those strategies and I can say that all I ever wanted was a thank you and my perfectionist tendencies absolutely come from wanting to be recognized for the hard work I do that I never got as a child. A simple thank you to anyone can go a long way.

Overall this book was a big no for me, and I don't think it would have changed if I had finished it according to a few other reviews that I read.

[Declan Moulden · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I showed up to the bookstore, I thought this was a sort of anthropological study - serious, academic, and a totally normal purchase for a childless, single, somewhat directionless 24-year-old. (I'd read the Atlantic article and thought it sounded interesting: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/ar...). I did not walk in prepared to buy a parenting book, still less prepared to ask the cute staff person for directions to the parenting section. But I steeled myself for a bit of discomfort (and I'm sure glad I did).

While obviously useful for parents, I think this book illustrates why so many people of my generation seem to struggle with anxiety, depression, making decisions, etc. Large degrees of control, over-explaining things, telling kids what to do constantly (but oh so nicely), not giving much leeway to take risks or make mistakes - these are common tools in the helicopter/snowplow parenting toolbox, and they produce kids who do not know how to respect their own capacity to make decisions and lack the confidence (born of experience) to do much of anything. This book is obviously helpful for parents with young children, but I think it also provides a valuable perspective for adults seeking to understand why they are the way they are. (I also think it has some great insights into building a real team or esprit du corps.)

I have no kids and none coming for a long while. This is still my favourite book I've read this year.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a mom of six, with a degree in Child Development, I’ve read A LOT of parenting books over the years. This is probably my favorite- definitely in the top 2! I wish this book existed YEARS ago when my oldest was a baby! As I read, I recognized ways that I parented like the “superparents” and ways that I did the OPPOSITE and am experiencing the consequences. 😂 There is so much to learn from this book that I will likely read it again! I’ve already begun implementing elements of TEAM and have seen improvements already! Hunt, Gather, Parent is friendly, encouraging, and down to earth. The author is not only a gifted story teller and teacher, she seemed so authentic in sharing her struggles and successes, that I found myself wishing we could be friends. I was fascinated by how so many practices in the ancient cultures lined up with the findings shared by modern child psychologists. appreciated the application and summaries at the end of each chapter. Highly recommend!

[Adriana · Rating 1 out of 5]

At first, I loved this book. It sounded authentic and true. I took notes because it resonated instead of all of those ridiculous IG accounts with fake, cheesy parenting advice. However, there’s the fact that I’m Mexican and I can see how she has no idea of what she’s saying about my country and my language. A mayan woman looks like she’s headed to a power lunch before 7 am? Lady, don’t be ridiculous!!! She’s a strong woman in a defeated, cornered culture, facing her life with dignity while you trivialize her struggles and misread the whole thing. It’s ridiculous!!! Also, you’ve never seen people wash each other’s feet? It’s in the Bible, woman. Many cultures across the world know the importance of performing a grounding practice such as this, daily. This lady is so clueless she’s stunned when she either sees traditional practices being Carried out, or kindness. Seems she might set up a chart inside her house to monitor acts of kindness, because it’s the “WEIRD” thing to do? Two paragraphs down she suggests throwing out toys or donating them. Oh, FFS, even children in very impoverished households have their own toys and treasure them. There’s dolls in every culture, from Japan to Nahua and yet this lady here wants people to throw out toys. It’s obviously not about having a toy shop in your home, but something the children can play with and establish deep emotional connections with. This lady has got soooo many things wrong. Also, like someone else said, her child seems unbearable. I haven’t met her yet I know she’s a spoiled little brat. (🫢). Like someone else said, take your kid to work? Huh? Who told you other people want to put up with your brat?


I did enjoy the part about anger. I think it does have valuable things to say, including that kids are not self regulated and are the opposite of that, completely. That helped me a lot.


Expect misbehaviour and never argue are good points.

[Alliy Scott · Rating 2 out of 5]

Such mixed feelings on this because I learned a lot from this book and loved the lessons taught from mothers from different cultures, but by the end I despised the author and just how wrong she got most of it when using it on her own daughter. I felt like the author would explain this amazing parenting concept she learned from the women she was living with, she would explain it exactly as they did and show the examples of how they used it, and then she would give the most wild out of pocket examples of how she used it on her own daughter. It felt like she didn't actually grasp any of the lessons she "learned" and just twisted them into new ways to control/manipulate her own kid.
For example:
-Inuit families using stories/fables to keep their children safe living in unsafe places, ie: stories to keep them away from unsafe ice or stories to keep them safe and warm. The author uses this technique to get her kid to close the fridge by telling her there is a monster in the fridge and making her afraid of it. Or that there is a monster that will take her away if she doesn't put on her pajamas... So unnecessary and manipulative and completely out of context as the original technique

-The technique of teaching kids that certain things are mature as a way of praise. Like saying "oh look how you did that job by yourself, you must be growing into a big boy/girl" etc. And her in turn using that as a shaming device with her daughter and multiple times calling her a whiney baby saying "oh you can't do that cause you're a whiney baby?" once again the entire concept going right over her head.

There were so many other examples but those are the ones I can pull out of my brain at the moment. And in the the author still just seemed to only be focused on controlling her child even though that was against the entire point of this book.

So anyway, I do not like the author or her interpretations of the parenting lessons she learned, however I did still take a lot away from this book and I think it's still worth the read because of the valuable info from these other mothers/families. The main things I took away from it are:

-Allowing kids to help always (even if it's annoying and makes it harder)
-Staying calm in all situations as a parent
-Understanding what kids are and are not capable of
-Using maturity and learning as a form of praise

So yeah proceed with caution. I will be looking for another book like this hopefully written by someone from one of the cultures in this book, would love recommendations!

[Jquick99 · Rating 3 out of 5]

This could have been a third of its length if there was a good editor. I don’t care about what people are wearing, what they look like... of the many, many people she talks to.

It takes til nearly halfway to get to the knowledge part of the book. I suggest to get this in book form (I listened to the audiobook) so one can skim over the fluff.

[Jacqie Wheeler · Rating 1 out of 5]

Now, I am a first time mom, but I can tell you - this book is not it. A few things I want to touch on that irked me (although there were many more):

- this is written by a mom with only one child. I have found that moms with one kid just don't have the extensive experience that a mom with more than one kid has. I get the best tips from moms who have multiple children.

- no toys?! I already believe in cleaning with my baby around instead of waiting for naptime, partly because it's easier to throw her on my back and clean (free entertainment for her), and I'd rather use naptime as my self care time to binge Love is Blind. But why does the author have to go so far into an extreme of getting rid of all your toys?! How sad a childhood that would be.

- i just can't buy into that fact that the author traveled to witness how moms raise their kids, and that all the kid's were so well behaved, and the moms never lost patience and it was all happy go lucky. I already know that my own baby is better behaved when people are around - how would you even know the full story with only seeing a small snippet of life?

- scaring a small child into submission by saying that a monster is going to get them....what?!

I just found this book extremely silly, full of bad advice, and the only advice I agree upon is working/cleaning around your kids so they can witness how a home is taken care of.

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book at the precisely right time, as we are going through the common parenting travails of raising up a 4-year-old and 2-year-old. The tantrums, the stubbornness, the frustration: all of it is very present to us right now. Michaeleen Doucleff’s investigation into how modern indigenous cultures parent upends so many of the trendy (and ineffective, and frustrating) American parenting practices. Much of the knowledge here would have been regarded as common sense a hundred years ago here, but we have lost so much of this in our individualistic, hyper-verbal, and helicopter-y millennial parenting styles. I took many notes and have already started to put more of these ideas into practice. I am grateful for her reporting, honesty, and vulnerability—and for the mothers who shared their wisdom with her.

My only complaint is that all of the helpful children in this book are girls. There are no examples of boys helping out around the house or with other children. This could be just a quirk of reporting or happenstance, given the interview subjects, but I found that dismaying and reinforcing what is already known to be true (that little girls do a lot more housework than boys, and this pattern continues throughout life). I am eager to reject that trend with my two sons. So, buckle up, boys; you have got a lot of chores coming your way...