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Annelikten Pişman Olmak
“İnsanlık tarihi boyunca kadınların çocuk doğurup onlara bakması öyle doğal ve sıradan görülmüş ki, bugün anne olmamayı tercih eden kadınlar bir tür tehdit unsuru gibi algılanıyor. Bu kişiler biteviye toplumun ‘Bir gün pişman olacaksın’ silahıyla tehdit ediliyorlar. Tersi ihtimal akıllara dahi getirilmiyor. Sahi, pişmanlık anne olmayanların değil de olanların payına düşerse, o zaman ne olur?”
Anneliğe atfedilen kutsallık ilgili tartışmaları tabu haline getirse de, konuyu irdeleyip yeni tanımlar geliştirmeye yönelik ihtiyaç büyük. Örneğin her kadının zamanı gelince anne olması gerektiği varsayımının kökeni nedir? Kadınların iddia edildiği gibi çocuk bakma konusunda doğal bir yeteneği var mıdır? Kişinin tüm hayat serüvenini belirleyen annelik, insan ilişkilerinin en önemlisi ve en yücesi midir? Toplumun beklentisine göre anneler nasıl
görünmeli, ne yapmalı ve nasıl hissetmelidir? Anneliği sevmezken çocuğunu sevmek mümkün müdür? Pişmanlık yaşayan anneler, bu gayrimeşru duyguyla nasıl başa çıkarlar? Anneliğin avantajları ve dezavantajları nelerdir? Anneliği bir rol değil de, bir ilişki türü olarak görmek neyi değiştirir? Babaların varlığı ya da yokluğu, annelik deneyimini nasıl etkiler?
Sosyolog Orna Donath alanında bir ilk olan Annelikten Pişman Olmak’ta derinlemesine görüşmeler yaptığı kadınların deneyimleri aracılığıyla, okurları toplumdaki anne olma dayatmasını gözden geçirmeye davet ediyor. Farklı hayat tercihlerine sahip çıkarak, yasaklı kabul edilen yolları açmak isteyen kadınlara ilham ve cesaret veren bir çalışma.
Anneliğe atfedilen kutsallık ilgili tartışmaları tabu haline getirse de, konuyu irdeleyip yeni tanımlar geliştirmeye yönelik ihtiyaç büyük. Örneğin her kadının zamanı gelince anne olması gerektiği varsayımının kökeni nedir? Kadınların iddia edildiği gibi çocuk bakma konusunda doğal bir yeteneği var mıdır? Kişinin tüm hayat serüvenini belirleyen annelik, insan ilişkilerinin en önemlisi ve en yücesi midir? Toplumun beklentisine göre anneler nasıl
görünmeli, ne yapmalı ve nasıl hissetmelidir? Anneliği sevmezken çocuğunu sevmek mümkün müdür? Pişmanlık yaşayan anneler, bu gayrimeşru duyguyla nasıl başa çıkarlar? Anneliğin avantajları ve dezavantajları nelerdir? Anneliği bir rol değil de, bir ilişki türü olarak görmek neyi değiştirir? Babaların varlığı ya da yokluğu, annelik deneyimini nasıl etkiler?
Sosyolog Orna Donath alanında bir ilk olan Annelikten Pişman Olmak’ta derinlemesine görüşmeler yaptığı kadınların deneyimleri aracılığıyla, okurları toplumdaki anne olma dayatmasını gözden geçirmeye davet ediyor. Farklı hayat tercihlerine sahip çıkarak, yasaklı kabul edilen yolları açmak isteyen kadınlara ilham ve cesaret veren bir çalışma.
254 pages, Paperback
First published February 4, 2016
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About the author
Orna Donath
5 books107 followersOrna Donath, born in 1976, is a sociologist at the Ben Gurion University of the Negev in Beersheba, where she carries out research on the social expectations particularly faced by women. After her study Making a Choice, which was published in 2011 and examined Jewish women in Israel who decide against children, Regretting Motherhood is her first international book publication. Beside her academic activities, she is involved in volunteer work at the Hasharon Rape Crisis Center in Raanana, whose chairperson she is.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 696 reviews
October 23, 2021
One of the most intelligent books I have read in a while, I so appreciated Orna Donath’s forward feminist perspective in Regretting Motherhood. In this book, she presents a sociological study she conducted in which she interviewed several women who regretted their decision to become mothers. I loved how, through both analysis of these interviews and analysis of trends in society at large, Donath generates so much spot-on feminist commentary: about how motherhood is glorified for women and seen as their inevitable destination, the many pressures that can push women into motherhood even if they do not want it, and how women in romantic relationships with men often bear the brunt of parenthood’s responsibilities. Donath writes with great rigor and incision about the stigmatization of the regret itself, an emotion that many of us feel about many things, which becomes taboo in relation to motherhood. For example, here’s a quote toward the end of the book that showcases her writing quality:
“Thus, if we see motherhood as impervious to regret – even though regret may accompany all types of human relationships and decisions that we make – then we are not taking into account how feeling rules and culturally acceptable ideas about time are used to sustain social orders that are of most benefit to those who already have power in society – at the expense of many others. When people don’t believe that regretting motherhood exists, or when they feel rage about it, what they’re saying is that it is dangerous for society when women look back and evaluate the transition to motherhood as not worthwhile. This should not come as a surprise, because women in general and mothers in particular are required over and over again, under a wide range of circumstances, to put themselves aside, to forget.”
I most loved how this book acts as a path forward so that women can live authentic, autonomous lives, whether those lives do not include children or they do. As a more femme queer person myself, I have felt the pressure to “prove” my nurturance by believing and/or stating that I want kids, when in reality there are so many things in this world (e.g., friendships, community members, the world itself, etc.) that would benefit from nurturance outside of or in addition to kids. Donath shows through these interviews that the majority of these women do care for their children and do not begrudge their children as much as the experience of motherhood itself. Through her smart and sensitive writing, Donath eases the stigma surrounding these women’s experiences of regretting motherhood and invites us to adopt a more nuanced and compassionate understanding of how this regret may emerge and what it can tell us about the need to change society’s restrictive views toward motherhood. Another quote from the book that I enjoyed a lot:
“If we realize that part of being a subject is to make calculations and weigh one’s options about what is valuable and worthwhile for one’s own life, then we can understand the wider meanings of the social expectations that mothers will not weigh their options and make evaluations regarding their motherhood. In other words, the social reaction to regret as a horrifying rationality demonstrates how mothers are deprived of their right to stay connected to their own understandings and, experiences and the intimate relationships in which they are involved. They cannot even pause for a minute to assess the state of their motherhood and their own lives, because it is too frightening to society – which depends upon mothers as objects who exist for the sake of others –when they do not stay put as such.”
Overall, would recommend this book to those interested in feminism, sociology, or related topics. Donath notes that the demands of motherhood are often higher for women marginalized by more than one force of oppression, such as but not limited to racism or poverty. I appreciate her so much for her passion for advocating for women to have access to all the options – all of them, no motherhood or motherhood – that may make their lives worthwhile and fulfilling.
“Thus, if we see motherhood as impervious to regret – even though regret may accompany all types of human relationships and decisions that we make – then we are not taking into account how feeling rules and culturally acceptable ideas about time are used to sustain social orders that are of most benefit to those who already have power in society – at the expense of many others. When people don’t believe that regretting motherhood exists, or when they feel rage about it, what they’re saying is that it is dangerous for society when women look back and evaluate the transition to motherhood as not worthwhile. This should not come as a surprise, because women in general and mothers in particular are required over and over again, under a wide range of circumstances, to put themselves aside, to forget.”
I most loved how this book acts as a path forward so that women can live authentic, autonomous lives, whether those lives do not include children or they do. As a more femme queer person myself, I have felt the pressure to “prove” my nurturance by believing and/or stating that I want kids, when in reality there are so many things in this world (e.g., friendships, community members, the world itself, etc.) that would benefit from nurturance outside of or in addition to kids. Donath shows through these interviews that the majority of these women do care for their children and do not begrudge their children as much as the experience of motherhood itself. Through her smart and sensitive writing, Donath eases the stigma surrounding these women’s experiences of regretting motherhood and invites us to adopt a more nuanced and compassionate understanding of how this regret may emerge and what it can tell us about the need to change society’s restrictive views toward motherhood. Another quote from the book that I enjoyed a lot:
“If we realize that part of being a subject is to make calculations and weigh one’s options about what is valuable and worthwhile for one’s own life, then we can understand the wider meanings of the social expectations that mothers will not weigh their options and make evaluations regarding their motherhood. In other words, the social reaction to regret as a horrifying rationality demonstrates how mothers are deprived of their right to stay connected to their own understandings and, experiences and the intimate relationships in which they are involved. They cannot even pause for a minute to assess the state of their motherhood and their own lives, because it is too frightening to society – which depends upon mothers as objects who exist for the sake of others –when they do not stay put as such.”
Overall, would recommend this book to those interested in feminism, sociology, or related topics. Donath notes that the demands of motherhood are often higher for women marginalized by more than one force of oppression, such as but not limited to racism or poverty. I appreciate her so much for her passion for advocating for women to have access to all the options – all of them, no motherhood or motherhood – that may make their lives worthwhile and fulfilling.
March 4, 2020
Un maravilloso manifiesto feminista que -creo- no dejará indiferente a nadie. La autora pone sobre la mesa el gran tabú: madres arrepentidas. Ante semejante título muchas personas alzan las cejas y hasta mi propia madre exclamó: ¡Por Dios! Un ensayo controvertido que saca a luz la censura que sufren las mujeres, especialmente las madres que no quieren ser madre de nadie.
May 21, 2020
Donath’s distinction between roles and relationships was the most thought-provoking section of research here, in my opinion. As long as we frame motherhood as a role, with a rigid set of expectations that mothers are just implicitly expected to be good at, rather than an ever-evolving relationship that flows between mother and child and mother and all the other relationships she has in her life, we limit the emotional reactions mothers are allowed to have to their experiences as mothers and we limit the ways mothers can relate to their lives generally. I found that a fascinating argument. Societally, we’re used to and accept people who regret their marriages because we views that as a relationship between two people. We don’t typically hate men & women who say they hated being a husband or wife (I’m using a broad brush here, because women will always get the short end of the stick in any gendered situation like that.) But as long as we keep MOTHER as a role in capital letters, we’re going to keep suffering.
Every time Donath quoted reactions to her articles and related posts, where people reacted with incredible violence towards women who were less than enthralled with motherhood, I was surprised (but not really, cause this is my guess, it can’t be backed up by research or anything) that it was never mentioned, or hypothesized, that people reacted with FEAR to the concept of regretting motherhood. Because I think all of us live with a tiny fear that maybe our parents regretted US, that maybe our parents don’t like US as much as we need(?) them to, so when we’re confronted by mothers & parents who outright state our fears, it makes sense that some of the commenters reacted the way they did. I wish Donath had had the ability, or if it had been included in the scope of her work, to talk with adult children of parents who regret motherhood and who knew that about their parents. That section of the 5th? I think? chapter was most interesting to me. She quotes a woman who wrote about knowing her mother regretted motherhood, and while that hurt her when she was young, she came to understand what her mother meant when she herself became a mother. I want more stories about those relationships. I want to see how honesty in this regard impacts children into their adult lives.
Which, as I said earlier, is really the crux of Donath’s research. By restricting women to roles we refuse to get to know them as individual people, as “subjects.” Where would we be if we told the truth to each other, and ourselves? That’s the larger connection of this work, I think, is the importance of honesty and connection.
Every time Donath quoted reactions to her articles and related posts, where people reacted with incredible violence towards women who were less than enthralled with motherhood, I was surprised (but not really, cause this is my guess, it can’t be backed up by research or anything) that it was never mentioned, or hypothesized, that people reacted with FEAR to the concept of regretting motherhood. Because I think all of us live with a tiny fear that maybe our parents regretted US, that maybe our parents don’t like US as much as we need(?) them to, so when we’re confronted by mothers & parents who outright state our fears, it makes sense that some of the commenters reacted the way they did. I wish Donath had had the ability, or if it had been included in the scope of her work, to talk with adult children of parents who regret motherhood and who knew that about their parents. That section of the 5th? I think? chapter was most interesting to me. She quotes a woman who wrote about knowing her mother regretted motherhood, and while that hurt her when she was young, she came to understand what her mother meant when she herself became a mother. I want more stories about those relationships. I want to see how honesty in this regard impacts children into their adult lives.
Which, as I said earlier, is really the crux of Donath’s research. By restricting women to roles we refuse to get to know them as individual people, as “subjects.” Where would we be if we told the truth to each other, and ourselves? That’s the larger connection of this work, I think, is the importance of honesty and connection.
February 28, 2024
The thing is, this is a great resource that may help you make decisions if you’re undecided about motherhood. It is sometimes shocking, and always earnest and brave. For that, I would give it a four star rating.
I struggled enormously to finish this book, because it is a study that focusses heavily on Israeli women and their reactions to the pressures of a settler colonial power that wants them to procreate at all costs. The book never addresses the context of this societal norm, ie, genocide, just takes the accounts at face value. I don’t know what the solution here is, to address this big, imperial elephant in the room, but I do think in the coming years, another edition must be made of this book that addresses this context, or this study will be lost, rightfully.
White feminism has us dressing our individual wounds, the things we regret, what we wish we had, while Palestinian women mourn their children and homes, sheltering from bombs our taxes buy.
I struggled enormously to finish this book, because it is a study that focusses heavily on Israeli women and their reactions to the pressures of a settler colonial power that wants them to procreate at all costs. The book never addresses the context of this societal norm, ie, genocide, just takes the accounts at face value. I don’t know what the solution here is, to address this big, imperial elephant in the room, but I do think in the coming years, another edition must be made of this book that addresses this context, or this study will be lost, rightfully.
White feminism has us dressing our individual wounds, the things we regret, what we wish we had, while Palestinian women mourn their children and homes, sheltering from bombs our taxes buy.
November 9, 2018
An incredibly important and depressing book that shows how we're failing women as society. And one definitely doesn't have to be a mother or regret motherhood, or even be a woman to read this book. In fact, I believe everyone should read it. With an open mind and heart.
August 26, 2022
“I am not looking to glorify mothers’ regret. Nor am I looking to criticize women who want with all their heart to be mothers… I believe that options should be within reach of every woman to ensure that we are the owners of our bodies, lives, and decisions.”
“What are the consequences of silencing regret over motherhood? Who pays the price when we try to pretend it does not exist?”
“Avoiding [these conversations] may prevent us from understanding social worlds and changing them for the benefit of those who suffer from them.”
“Is it possible that women are implored to forget— to detach themselves from what they know, think, and feel— because it allows society to continue to create injustices while simultaneously pretending that everything is all right?”
Immensely important book that highlights the perspective that’s necessary to hear but is often ignored and actively dismissed. My friend recommended it to me and my first reaction was fear — that it would make me not want to have children, which made me realize that that’s exactly why I needed to read this book in the first place. I shouldn’t fear not wanting to have children — being a mother is simply not for everyone, no matter what society has made us believe. I want to be clear — this book isn’t an attack on motherhood or the choice to have children but a study of mothers who became mothers because of the external pressures and learned it wasn’t right for them.
More than anything, it just shows how the pressure on women to become mothers and to stay quiet about any negative feelings they have is a way for society (and men!) to not have to deal with any of the things that can actually improve the experience of motherhood or encourage people to become mothers. It’s a reminder that mothers are human with feelings and needs and desires and complexities and that motherhood isn’t just a role or profession that she has to put her head down and just get through without complaint — it’s a relationship and relationships are complex.
As someone who has been on the fence about having kids and who has been married for almost 5 years and now 31, I get the same comments this book speaks on — “You need to have kids — you’ll regret it if you don’t.” Or “You’re overthinking it — you should just do it. Everyone does it.” Or even “That’s crazy. I feel bad for your husband.”
This book is a reminder that I’m not crazy and I’m not selfish and I’m not “overthinking” it — I am just someone who has doubts and who questions the various paths my life can take and those doubts and my curiosity of those different paths are valid. The last chapter is especially important to understand why a book like this is so needed.
Highly recommend to all — not just those who are unsure or don’t want to be mothers, but also those who want to become or are parents because I think it’s so valuable to know and consider different perspectives, especially because it can help us be more understanding and compassionate toward mothers.
“What are the consequences of silencing regret over motherhood? Who pays the price when we try to pretend it does not exist?”
“Avoiding [these conversations] may prevent us from understanding social worlds and changing them for the benefit of those who suffer from them.”
“Is it possible that women are implored to forget— to detach themselves from what they know, think, and feel— because it allows society to continue to create injustices while simultaneously pretending that everything is all right?”
Immensely important book that highlights the perspective that’s necessary to hear but is often ignored and actively dismissed. My friend recommended it to me and my first reaction was fear — that it would make me not want to have children, which made me realize that that’s exactly why I needed to read this book in the first place. I shouldn’t fear not wanting to have children — being a mother is simply not for everyone, no matter what society has made us believe. I want to be clear — this book isn’t an attack on motherhood or the choice to have children but a study of mothers who became mothers because of the external pressures and learned it wasn’t right for them.
More than anything, it just shows how the pressure on women to become mothers and to stay quiet about any negative feelings they have is a way for society (and men!) to not have to deal with any of the things that can actually improve the experience of motherhood or encourage people to become mothers. It’s a reminder that mothers are human with feelings and needs and desires and complexities and that motherhood isn’t just a role or profession that she has to put her head down and just get through without complaint — it’s a relationship and relationships are complex.
As someone who has been on the fence about having kids and who has been married for almost 5 years and now 31, I get the same comments this book speaks on — “You need to have kids — you’ll regret it if you don’t.” Or “You’re overthinking it — you should just do it. Everyone does it.” Or even “That’s crazy. I feel bad for your husband.”
This book is a reminder that I’m not crazy and I’m not selfish and I’m not “overthinking” it — I am just someone who has doubts and who questions the various paths my life can take and those doubts and my curiosity of those different paths are valid. The last chapter is especially important to understand why a book like this is so needed.
Highly recommend to all — not just those who are unsure or don’t want to be mothers, but also those who want to become or are parents because I think it’s so valuable to know and consider different perspectives, especially because it can help us be more understanding and compassionate toward mothers.
December 5, 2022
Took me half a year to read this because I didn't want the kids to catch me reading it! I've been through ups and downs as a parent (we're in the downs right now) and I sympathize greatly with these women. Even if society didn't pressure women to have children, there's really no way to understand the depth of the impact on your life until you actually have them. It's hard.
July 30, 2017
No todas las mujeres quieren ser madres y las que lo son, a veces, se arrepienten porque eran más felices antes y porque tenían una vida para ellas.
Tras la maternidad no está la felicidad plena que nos quieren vender en los anuncios. Este libro es amargo pero verdadero.
Tras la maternidad no está la felicidad plena que nos quieren vender en los anuncios. Este libro es amargo pero verdadero.
December 25, 2022
Interesantísimo, real, y valiente.
July 30, 2017
This is an incredibly important book which gives voice to an experience that is still the ultimate taboo in society, women who regret becoming mothers. It reminded me of The Feminine Mystique, which similarly used women's personal narratives to break down assumptions about what a fulfilling life should look like for a woman. Donath includes dozens of interviews with anonymous women who regret becoming mothers, not to damn that choice, but to validate other choices. As a childfree woman, I found this book incredibly affirming, though I'd recommend it for anyone with an interest in women's issues.
dnf
April 12, 2021I tried to finish this but I felt myself drifting when reading it, getting distracted because the study felt unstructured and lost its entire purpose going into to detail about concepts that they 'sort of' linked back to the interviews they conducted. I'm disappointed because the concept of regretting motherhood was so interesting and is something I've not read much about. It's a shame.
August 15, 2023
I would give this book 50 stars if I could! This was probably one of the most validating books I’ve ever read as a childfree person because I 1000% know I would feel the same way these women do if I had a child: full of regret and suffering. I’ve never doubted my childfree choice, but holy crap this book made me realize how lucky I am.
This book brings to light such an important topic: that motherhood is not all positive and “natural” and it shows the societal fallacy that “you’ll learn to love it” if you have a child. That’s just not true for some people. We’re not all meant to have kids, and that’s okay.
I also loved the parts of the book that talked about how mothers are perceived by society as always having to be selfless and overly positive and saying “it’s all worth it” and never complaining. Motherhood sounds like it sucks most of the time - it’s sad that society tells mothers they’re not allowed feel that way, otherwise there’s something “wrong” with them and they need to seem perfect all the time while getting literally no support.
And the part where the women who were interviewed said they felt like they were playing a role that wasn’t meant for them and almost “acting” because they knew motherhood wasn’t right for them after they became a mother - that makes me think that feeling is way more common that society realizes. Which is why it’s important to have these conversations about regret.
You can’t undo parenthood - that’s why books like this are so important to help people realize if it’s really right for them in the first place, not just something you do because “it’s what everyone else does” or “it’s just a part of life.” It doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be.
Next time someone tells me I’ll regret not having kids, I’m gonna tell them to read this book.
This book brings to light such an important topic: that motherhood is not all positive and “natural” and it shows the societal fallacy that “you’ll learn to love it” if you have a child. That’s just not true for some people. We’re not all meant to have kids, and that’s okay.
I also loved the parts of the book that talked about how mothers are perceived by society as always having to be selfless and overly positive and saying “it’s all worth it” and never complaining. Motherhood sounds like it sucks most of the time - it’s sad that society tells mothers they’re not allowed feel that way, otherwise there’s something “wrong” with them and they need to seem perfect all the time while getting literally no support.
And the part where the women who were interviewed said they felt like they were playing a role that wasn’t meant for them and almost “acting” because they knew motherhood wasn’t right for them after they became a mother - that makes me think that feeling is way more common that society realizes. Which is why it’s important to have these conversations about regret.
You can’t undo parenthood - that’s why books like this are so important to help people realize if it’s really right for them in the first place, not just something you do because “it’s what everyone else does” or “it’s just a part of life.” It doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be.
Next time someone tells me I’ll regret not having kids, I’m gonna tell them to read this book.
February 3, 2023
This was so validating and normalizing in a world where I’m constantly told that motherhood is “worth it” but I never get to hear differing opinions.
July 14, 2022
Das Thema ist sehr wichtig, aber der Aufbau des Buches ist sehr chaotisch.
Mir war es an einigen Stellen tatsächlich auch nicht wissenschaftlich genug, in dem Sinne, dass die Argumentation nicht aufeinander aufgebaut hat. Für mich war "Reue" an einigen Stellen einfach nicht klar genug definiert und auch einige Begriffe wie Kinderwunsch, Liebe (zu den Kindern) hätten mMn klarer beschrieben und benannt werden müssen. Viele Passagen und Ideen wiederholen sich auch.
Trotzdem lege ich jeder Person und vor allem jenen mit Kinderwunsch dieses Buch nahe.
Mir war es an einigen Stellen tatsächlich auch nicht wissenschaftlich genug, in dem Sinne, dass die Argumentation nicht aufeinander aufgebaut hat. Für mich war "Reue" an einigen Stellen einfach nicht klar genug definiert und auch einige Begriffe wie Kinderwunsch, Liebe (zu den Kindern) hätten mMn klarer beschrieben und benannt werden müssen. Viele Passagen und Ideen wiederholen sich auch.
Trotzdem lege ich jeder Person und vor allem jenen mit Kinderwunsch dieses Buch nahe.
October 17, 2018
Really good and important.
November 13, 2022
Eine sehr interessante Lektüre, die meine Vermutung und auch Erfahrung in vielerlei Hinsicht bestätigt.
Die Gründe dafür, Mutterschaft zu bereuen sind vielfältig, angefangen damit dass sie sich alleine gelassen sehen von den (Ex-)Partnern bis hin zu den Fällen, bei denen von vorne herein kein Kinderwunsch bestand, der Druck von Gesellschaft, Familie und Partner aber die Frauen einknicken lies.
Die mit einem Kind verbundene lebenslange Verantwortung und Sorge ist etwas, was viele Frauen nicht wollen. Auch das nie mehr richtig allein sein können, weil da immer jemand ist, an den man zuerst denkt ist eine Belastung.
Auch ich habe schon mehrfach in Gesprächen mit Müttern gehört, dass sie, hätten sie noch einmal zu entscheiden, keine Kinder mehr bekommen würden. Die meisten jungen Frauen werden Mütter ohne darüber nachzudenken. Auch alle hier befragten Frauen haben vorher nicht darüber nachgedacht. "Das macht man halt so." Einige haben therapeutische Hilfe aufgesucht aber die wenigsten Mütter können darüber sprechen weil es gesellschaftlich inakzeptabel ist.
Wichtig zu verstehen ist aber, dass keine der Mütter (weder in dem Buch, noch in meinem Umfeld) ihre Kinder bereuen. Sie alle lieben ihre Kinder sehr und wollen sie nicht missen. Sie wollen eben nur lieber nicht Mutter sein.
Die Interviews sind übrigens interessant und nachvollziehbar auch die unterschiedlichen Umgangsweisen mit der Reue, auch innerhalb der Familie. So gibt es einen Fall, bei dem eben der Vater die Rolle übernimmt.
Hier zwei interessante Zitate:
"Im Mittelalter konnten sie ihr zu Hause und Kinder verlassen um ins Kloster zu gehen und sich Gott zuzuwenden und wurden dafür sogar in Ehren gehalten und gepriesen anstatt als unmoralisch oder verrückt dargestellt zu werden."
"Fast dreiviertel der kinderlosen Frauen mit einem Partner wünschen sich ein Kind, aber weniger als ein Viertel der Frauen mit einem Partner, die bereits Mütter sind, wünschen sich ein weiteres Kind."
Ich jedenfalls bin persönlich sehr froh, dass ich mir eben doch im Vorfeld viele Gedanken gemacht habe und mich bewusst gegen Kinder entschieden habe.
Ein wichtiges Thema, das sehr tabuisiert wird daher ist dieses Buch unbedingt empfehlenswert.
Die Gründe dafür, Mutterschaft zu bereuen sind vielfältig, angefangen damit dass sie sich alleine gelassen sehen von den (Ex-)Partnern bis hin zu den Fällen, bei denen von vorne herein kein Kinderwunsch bestand, der Druck von Gesellschaft, Familie und Partner aber die Frauen einknicken lies.
Die mit einem Kind verbundene lebenslange Verantwortung und Sorge ist etwas, was viele Frauen nicht wollen. Auch das nie mehr richtig allein sein können, weil da immer jemand ist, an den man zuerst denkt ist eine Belastung.
Auch ich habe schon mehrfach in Gesprächen mit Müttern gehört, dass sie, hätten sie noch einmal zu entscheiden, keine Kinder mehr bekommen würden. Die meisten jungen Frauen werden Mütter ohne darüber nachzudenken. Auch alle hier befragten Frauen haben vorher nicht darüber nachgedacht. "Das macht man halt so." Einige haben therapeutische Hilfe aufgesucht aber die wenigsten Mütter können darüber sprechen weil es gesellschaftlich inakzeptabel ist.
Wichtig zu verstehen ist aber, dass keine der Mütter (weder in dem Buch, noch in meinem Umfeld) ihre Kinder bereuen. Sie alle lieben ihre Kinder sehr und wollen sie nicht missen. Sie wollen eben nur lieber nicht Mutter sein.
Die Interviews sind übrigens interessant und nachvollziehbar auch die unterschiedlichen Umgangsweisen mit der Reue, auch innerhalb der Familie. So gibt es einen Fall, bei dem eben der Vater die Rolle übernimmt.
Hier zwei interessante Zitate:
"Im Mittelalter konnten sie ihr zu Hause und Kinder verlassen um ins Kloster zu gehen und sich Gott zuzuwenden und wurden dafür sogar in Ehren gehalten und gepriesen anstatt als unmoralisch oder verrückt dargestellt zu werden."
"Fast dreiviertel der kinderlosen Frauen mit einem Partner wünschen sich ein Kind, aber weniger als ein Viertel der Frauen mit einem Partner, die bereits Mütter sind, wünschen sich ein weiteres Kind."
Ich jedenfalls bin persönlich sehr froh, dass ich mir eben doch im Vorfeld viele Gedanken gemacht habe und mich bewusst gegen Kinder entschieden habe.
Ein wichtiges Thema, das sehr tabuisiert wird daher ist dieses Buch unbedingt empfehlenswert.
April 27, 2023
For a woman, motherhood often comes by default. Many of us see it not as a choice but rather as a question of when.
To treat it as a choice, we must first see motherhood from all perspectives. On social media, we see the polished version of it. Just thinking of it, I can picture a happy, beautiful woman holding her cute, adorably dressed baby, with the caption that it is the best thing that ever happened to her. A family photo of matching pyjamas on a Christmas morning, portraying a joyful, picture-perfect moment. A relaxed and happy mother in a long feminine dress standing in her spotless kitchen and making pizza from scratch with her toddlers.
However, like with many things in life, social media cannot be trusted. The reality is different, very different from what we see and hear.
What we don’t see or hear, however, are mothers who regret becoming ones (who could dare to admit that?!). The ones that suffer raising children because it is nothing like they have expected. The ones who completely lost their self-identity, hobbies, and interests, who are grieving for their old lives daily. The ones who thought having children will heal their broken inner child but were deeply disappointed to remain the same wounded person, just with more responsibilities.
It is essential, crucial, to question your decision: whether it’s having kids, or not having them. Motherhood is different for everyone, but it does not guarantee meaning, happiness, or even being taken care of when you get old.
It is a very uncomfortable, yet essential book for anyone exploring if motherhood is for them.
“In reality, women’s subjective experience of motherhood and nonmotherhood is far more complex; yet because the voices of those women who regret becoming mothers largely remain unheard—as well as those of nonmothers who do not regret not having children—the assumption becomes that they do not in fact exist.”
To treat it as a choice, we must first see motherhood from all perspectives. On social media, we see the polished version of it. Just thinking of it, I can picture a happy, beautiful woman holding her cute, adorably dressed baby, with the caption that it is the best thing that ever happened to her. A family photo of matching pyjamas on a Christmas morning, portraying a joyful, picture-perfect moment. A relaxed and happy mother in a long feminine dress standing in her spotless kitchen and making pizza from scratch with her toddlers.
However, like with many things in life, social media cannot be trusted. The reality is different, very different from what we see and hear.
What we don’t see or hear, however, are mothers who regret becoming ones (who could dare to admit that?!). The ones that suffer raising children because it is nothing like they have expected. The ones who completely lost their self-identity, hobbies, and interests, who are grieving for their old lives daily. The ones who thought having children will heal their broken inner child but were deeply disappointed to remain the same wounded person, just with more responsibilities.
It is essential, crucial, to question your decision: whether it’s having kids, or not having them. Motherhood is different for everyone, but it does not guarantee meaning, happiness, or even being taken care of when you get old.
It is a very uncomfortable, yet essential book for anyone exploring if motherhood is for them.
“In reality, women’s subjective experience of motherhood and nonmotherhood is far more complex; yet because the voices of those women who regret becoming mothers largely remain unheard—as well as those of nonmothers who do not regret not having children—the assumption becomes that they do not in fact exist.”
January 22, 2022
Wow this book has changed my life. I have been fascinated with motherhood as a role and as a practice for years now and I have been searching for a book just like this.
This book is a qualitative sociological study. It's a series of interviews with women who regret becoming mothers, but it's more than that. Donath takes these stories and is able to articulate and extrapolate a societal wide narrative of the ways our social structure relies on the silencing of women who do not want to be mothers, or who regret becoming mothers. The status quo subjugation of women is reliant on women being denied emotional agency to feel however they feel about their lives and circumstances.
I feel like so many women are sold this narrative that motherhood is necessary to becoming a fully actualized woman. Without motherhood, there is no arrival. You will be forever on the out skirts of the larger society that chooses to have kids. Additionally, so many women (the women in the study corroborate this) buy into the narrative that it will all be worth it-- all the sleepless nights, the noise, the fear, the chaos, everything that goes into being a mother will be worth it. Or that at least, it will get easier over time. Most of the women in the study however, describe feeling the opposite. The hardship is not worth the moments of reprieve and they long for their old lives before they had children.
This isn't to say that all women who become mothers will experience regret. But, I think that a lot of people are told that being a mother will be beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and then they are unprepared for the reality of parenting. Parenting is hard work. Especially for women who often take on a significant chunk of the 'second shift' work of cleaning and playing and cooking. I think that consent requires full information. I do not think that women are given all the information necessary to have their choice to become mothers be constituted as a choice made with 'informed consent'.
A lot of the women in the study described also feeling tremendous pressure from partners (who may have threatened to divorce them if they didn't have kids), from parents, from religious groups, and from society at large to have kids. Having kids is just what married people do. This assumption of life path and the societal pressure to conform to that life path also muddy the possibility for women to make a choice to become a mother that isn't just a conformation to societal expectations and pressures.
I am an educator. I love kids. I love nurturing them and supporting them and giving them love and acceptance. Kids are the coolest people in the world. I still don't want them in my house. I want my weekends to be quiet and I want to be able to read in my free time and go on trips and not have to put another person's needs before my own every single day for the rest of my life. I think that some people really aren't meant to be parents- many people are meant to be secondary or tertiary parents (like me). And some people aren't meant to be around children at all. To me, motherhood has always been synonymous with a loss of self, with a lack of control, with sacrifice. I could not imagine a type of motherhood that, for me, would not be intimately tied to regret and resentment toward my children. And this is why this book is so necessary.
The worst thing that we can do for mothers and children alike is pretend that there is one clear path for everyone. No child deserves to feel unwanted to regretted. No mother deserves to feel like a husk of their former self.
These women who regret becoming mother's have given us a gift- an ability to see the darker side of motherhood, one that is a very real possibility for anyone who becomes a parent. I don't think this book will make you not want to mother, however I do think that everyone who wants to become a mother should read this. We are indoctrinated with so much pro-natal propaganda it's difficult to sort through the haze and see the reality that many women face every day. I feel indebted to these brave women who came forward with their stories despite how taboo their feelings are. Many of the women hoped that their stories would help women make the right choice for themselves, and I know that they have accomplished that goal many times over.
Please read this book I cannot stop talking about it.
This book is a qualitative sociological study. It's a series of interviews with women who regret becoming mothers, but it's more than that. Donath takes these stories and is able to articulate and extrapolate a societal wide narrative of the ways our social structure relies on the silencing of women who do not want to be mothers, or who regret becoming mothers. The status quo subjugation of women is reliant on women being denied emotional agency to feel however they feel about their lives and circumstances.
I feel like so many women are sold this narrative that motherhood is necessary to becoming a fully actualized woman. Without motherhood, there is no arrival. You will be forever on the out skirts of the larger society that chooses to have kids. Additionally, so many women (the women in the study corroborate this) buy into the narrative that it will all be worth it-- all the sleepless nights, the noise, the fear, the chaos, everything that goes into being a mother will be worth it. Or that at least, it will get easier over time. Most of the women in the study however, describe feeling the opposite. The hardship is not worth the moments of reprieve and they long for their old lives before they had children.
This isn't to say that all women who become mothers will experience regret. But, I think that a lot of people are told that being a mother will be beautiful and wonderful and amazing, and then they are unprepared for the reality of parenting. Parenting is hard work. Especially for women who often take on a significant chunk of the 'second shift' work of cleaning and playing and cooking. I think that consent requires full information. I do not think that women are given all the information necessary to have their choice to become mothers be constituted as a choice made with 'informed consent'.
A lot of the women in the study described also feeling tremendous pressure from partners (who may have threatened to divorce them if they didn't have kids), from parents, from religious groups, and from society at large to have kids. Having kids is just what married people do. This assumption of life path and the societal pressure to conform to that life path also muddy the possibility for women to make a choice to become a mother that isn't just a conformation to societal expectations and pressures.
I am an educator. I love kids. I love nurturing them and supporting them and giving them love and acceptance. Kids are the coolest people in the world. I still don't want them in my house. I want my weekends to be quiet and I want to be able to read in my free time and go on trips and not have to put another person's needs before my own every single day for the rest of my life. I think that some people really aren't meant to be parents- many people are meant to be secondary or tertiary parents (like me). And some people aren't meant to be around children at all. To me, motherhood has always been synonymous with a loss of self, with a lack of control, with sacrifice. I could not imagine a type of motherhood that, for me, would not be intimately tied to regret and resentment toward my children. And this is why this book is so necessary.
The worst thing that we can do for mothers and children alike is pretend that there is one clear path for everyone. No child deserves to feel unwanted to regretted. No mother deserves to feel like a husk of their former self.
These women who regret becoming mother's have given us a gift- an ability to see the darker side of motherhood, one that is a very real possibility for anyone who becomes a parent. I don't think this book will make you not want to mother, however I do think that everyone who wants to become a mother should read this. We are indoctrinated with so much pro-natal propaganda it's difficult to sort through the haze and see the reality that many women face every day. I feel indebted to these brave women who came forward with their stories despite how taboo their feelings are. Many of the women hoped that their stories would help women make the right choice for themselves, and I know that they have accomplished that goal many times over.
Please read this book I cannot stop talking about it.
February 20, 2017
La sociedad no comprende aún que ser madres es una elección y no 'el siguiente paso' o 'una obligación'. Muchas de estas madres sabían desde siempre que no querían serlo pero jamás vieron como una posibilidad 'no ser madres de nadie'.
Cabe resaltar que esto no es una novela ni nada similar, es un estudio que realizo Orna Donath durante ocho años a veintitrés mujeres israelíes, que tiene sus puntos fuertes y a la vez este punto juega como 'debilidad' en el estudio (al menos desde algunos puntos de vista, no el mío) ya que estudio a una población concreta y a un número pequeño de esta. Pero como bien lo explica la autora este no era su propósito, sino el de darle voz a estas mujeres y demostrar que sí existen madres que se arrepienten de ello y que la promesa de la sociedad de que "tu vida estará completa" en el momento que seas madre y que "solo ver a tu hijo sonreir hace que todo valga la pena" es una falacia.
La maternidad no es algo innato en la mujer, existen aquellas que quieren ser madres y aquellas que bajo ninguna circunstancia quieren serlo, y ambas son igual de validas.
Muy recomendado.
Cabe resaltar que esto no es una novela ni nada similar, es un estudio que realizo Orna Donath durante ocho años a veintitrés mujeres israelíes, que tiene sus puntos fuertes y a la vez este punto juega como 'debilidad' en el estudio (al menos desde algunos puntos de vista, no el mío) ya que estudio a una población concreta y a un número pequeño de esta. Pero como bien lo explica la autora este no era su propósito, sino el de darle voz a estas mujeres y demostrar que sí existen madres que se arrepienten de ello y que la promesa de la sociedad de que "tu vida estará completa" en el momento que seas madre y que "solo ver a tu hijo sonreir hace que todo valga la pena" es una falacia.
La maternidad no es algo innato en la mujer, existen aquellas que quieren ser madres y aquellas que bajo ninguna circunstancia quieren serlo, y ambas son igual de validas.
Muy recomendado.
January 17, 2021
There was something really masochistic about reading this book.
I liked how the mothers in the study made a sharp distinction between loving their children and parenting them - it is the parenting part that they most regret getting involved in. Definitely the feelings of children were the hardest part about admitting regret.
Regretting motherhood is quite a taboo topic, yet I think this book does a good job on changing the discussion about it. Mother's role is so romanticized in our society that many women don't think twice before having children, only to find themselves with a lot of responsibilities, stuck between the wheels of patriarchy and society's expectations. This book gives them reassurance that becoming a mother is optional and that it is okay to be nonconforming.
I liked how the mothers in the study made a sharp distinction between loving their children and parenting them - it is the parenting part that they most regret getting involved in. Definitely the feelings of children were the hardest part about admitting regret.
Regretting motherhood is quite a taboo topic, yet I think this book does a good job on changing the discussion about it. Mother's role is so romanticized in our society that many women don't think twice before having children, only to find themselves with a lot of responsibilities, stuck between the wheels of patriarchy and society's expectations. This book gives them reassurance that becoming a mother is optional and that it is okay to be nonconforming.
September 22, 2020
Ein Tabuthema, dass großartig Gesellschaftskritik ausübt. Diese qualitative Studie zum Thema Reue der Mutterrolle, gewährt einen wichtigen Einblick in die Gesellschaft. Frauen, die Kinder bekommen obwohl sie gar nicht wollen aber aufgrund des Gesellschaftsdruckes nachgeben. Frauen, die nach dem 3 Kind bemerken, dass sie die Rolle der Mutterschaft verabscheuen. Natürlich lieben sie alle ihre Kinder weiterhin aber würden wenn sie nochmal die Chance hätten ihr Leben erneut zu leben, keine Kinder mehr zeugen.
In diesem Buch geht es gar nicht darum „keine Kinder zu kriegen“ zu glorifizieren. Hier geht es darum Frauen Gehör zu schaffen, die unter Umständen niemals laut äußern dürfen, dass sie rückblickend die Rolle der Mutter nicht erfüllend empfinden. Und es beginnt alles damit, dass die Gesellschaft akzeptieren sollte, dass es auch normal und nicht „egozentrisch“ ist, dass sich Frauen bewusst gegen Kinder entscheiden.
Es sollte auch einen offenen Dialog zwischen Müttern und innerhalb einer sozialen Gemeinschaft stattfinden können.
Dieses Tabuthema hat mir persönlich noch einmal die Augen geöffnet, dass es im Leben viele verschiedene Nuancen gibt, die allesamt Arten von Gefühlen erlauben sollte. Die Mutterschaft ist nun mal ambivalent! Für manche Frauen sehr erfüllend, für andere Frauen das komplette Gegenteil.
Damit es eine balancierte, aufgeklärte Gesellschaft gibt, fängt der Dialog genau hier an!
In diesem Buch geht es gar nicht darum „keine Kinder zu kriegen“ zu glorifizieren. Hier geht es darum Frauen Gehör zu schaffen, die unter Umständen niemals laut äußern dürfen, dass sie rückblickend die Rolle der Mutter nicht erfüllend empfinden. Und es beginnt alles damit, dass die Gesellschaft akzeptieren sollte, dass es auch normal und nicht „egozentrisch“ ist, dass sich Frauen bewusst gegen Kinder entscheiden.
Es sollte auch einen offenen Dialog zwischen Müttern und innerhalb einer sozialen Gemeinschaft stattfinden können.
Dieses Tabuthema hat mir persönlich noch einmal die Augen geöffnet, dass es im Leben viele verschiedene Nuancen gibt, die allesamt Arten von Gefühlen erlauben sollte. Die Mutterschaft ist nun mal ambivalent! Für manche Frauen sehr erfüllend, für andere Frauen das komplette Gegenteil.
Damit es eine balancierte, aufgeklärte Gesellschaft gibt, fängt der Dialog genau hier an!
June 24, 2025
Wederom een voorbeeld waarin bevestigd wordt dat iets wat voor de een heel goed werkt, dat niet automatisch ook voor een ander hoeft te doen. Iedereen moet dus steeds voor zichzelf uitzoeken wat nu precies 'het beste' is (of het minste uit twee kwaden) en kan daarbij slecht varen op andermans oordeel. Waarbij dit idee voor steeds meer kwesties in het leven langzaamaan geaccepteerd werd, zoals je voorkeuren, je werk-gezinsbalans, je relatievorm (alhoewel we dat ook moeten verdedigen), is het qua moederschap helaas nog een taboe om te zeggen dat dat wellicht toch niet de goede keuze was, met spijt tot gevolg. In dit boek wordt dit fenomeen heel menselijk uitgelegd met schitterende voorbeelden, met de paradoxale uitleg dat er geen spijt is van het kind (of kinderen), maar enkel van het moederschap. Het bevat duidelijke analyses over hoe anders de rol van de moeder is ten opzichte van de vader en hoe deze kant er nu eenmaal ook is. Ik heb zelf geen spijt, maar snap deze kant na het lezen van dit boek beter en vind dat dit ook bespreekbaar moet zijn.
December 3, 2018
As a woman who's chosen to not have children I know that's a social taboo, but for women who have had children to admit they regret it is so taboo it's barely spoken about at all. Orna Donath is Israeli and was working on a study of men and women in Israel who don't want to have children. I didn't know that Israel has one of the highest birth rates in the world, so there is a LOT of social pressure to have children for Israelis. Due to that study, Donath found women who had had children and wished they hadn't caved to social or family pressure and wanted a place for their feelings - and that is how this book came to be. While the tone of the book is more scholarly, it is still an interesting read. I found it really interesting that many of the women never felt a strong desire to have children but did because it was what was expected or the next natural step in their life. I see that all the time people not even allowing themselves to think if they want children, just doing what's expected or what is the norm. Definitely a unique book giving voice to women who have been overlooked or shunned for expressing regret about motherhood.
Some quotes I liked:
"On the few occasions in recent years when the issue of regretting motherhood has been addressed on the internet, it has tended to be regarded as an object of disbelief - meaning that its actual existence is denied - or as an object of rage and distortion - meaning that mothers who regret are branded as selfish, insane, damaged women and immoral human beings who exemplify the 'whining culture' we allegedly live in...Clearly, we are facing a wide range of emotions about motherhood that are begging to be dealt with. Something is still profoundly missing from our public discourse about motherhood..." (p. xv - xvii)
"When it comes to reproduction and the transition to motherhood, it is crucial to cast doubt on this rhetoric of all-embracing choice: how much room to maneuver do women actually have if we are free to choose only what society wants us to choose?It seems that as long as women make decisions according to the will of society and the priorities and roles it assigns us - such as being well-kempt, devoted mothers in an ongoing heterosexual romantic relationship - we gain social status as free, independent, autonomous individuals with an untethered ability to fulfill our desires. However, when our choices clash with society's expectations - when we refuse, for instance, to commit to beauty care, have children, or maintain romantic partnerships with men (or in general) - then we run into a problem." (p. 7-8)
"Since the nineteenth century, nationalist, capitalist, heteronormative, and patriarchal ideologies have joined hands to sustain this gendered division of labor - because without women's unpaid labor as mothers and homemakers, the system would fall apart - while stressing that this division is 'natural,' and therefore eternal; that it makes the world a better place; and that it benefits women themselves as well as their children. As we shall see, it is not considered sufficient for a woman to simply mother: mothers are also expected to follow strict and universal rules dictating how they should mother, even though mothers nurture and protect their children in different ways and under different circumstances - and may not necessarily provide such care at all." (p. 31)
"Women, especially those over the age of 30, are caught within a mind-game of threats and warnings: Your time is running out for making a family. You may think that you're not interested in being a mother, but you are wrong; the desire will strike you eventually, but then it will be too late. You are going to regret this. In reality, women's subjective experience of motherhood and nonmotherhood is far more complex; yet because the voices of those women who regret becoming mothers largely remain unheard - as well as those of nonmothers who do not regret not having children - the assumption becomes that they do not in fact exist." (p. 59)
"The statement 'I love my children but regret my motherhood' is very often seen as impossible by definition - because doesn't a wish to erase motherhood mean a wish to erase those children she loves? Yet a statement such as 'I love him, but I regret I ever met him' following a painful romantic relationship would hardly be considered paradoxical. In other words, it may be the sacredness we have placed on motherhood that prevents us from accepting that a woman can both love and acknowledge the broader implications of that love in her life." (p. 113-4)
"On one hand, facing them [the accounts of regretted motherhood] may have torturous consequences; on the other hand, avoiding them may prevent us from understanding social worlds and changing them for the benefit of those who suffer from them. With this in mind, I believe the question 'Why talk about regretting motherhood?' should be flipped the other way around: What are the consequences of silencing regret over motherhood? Who pays the price when we try to pretend it does not exist?" (p. 221)
"The truth is that I have never felt that my unwillingness to be a mother is in need of justification nor that this is a problem that should be solved (though society demands such a justification while assuming I have a problem, I feel it is a problem that society tends to think so). I am not looking to glorify mothers' regret. Nor am I looking to criticize women who want with all their heart to be mothers, as I believe we are diverse in our needs, yearnings, and dreams." (p. 223)
Some quotes I liked:
"On the few occasions in recent years when the issue of regretting motherhood has been addressed on the internet, it has tended to be regarded as an object of disbelief - meaning that its actual existence is denied - or as an object of rage and distortion - meaning that mothers who regret are branded as selfish, insane, damaged women and immoral human beings who exemplify the 'whining culture' we allegedly live in...Clearly, we are facing a wide range of emotions about motherhood that are begging to be dealt with. Something is still profoundly missing from our public discourse about motherhood..." (p. xv - xvii)
"When it comes to reproduction and the transition to motherhood, it is crucial to cast doubt on this rhetoric of all-embracing choice: how much room to maneuver do women actually have if we are free to choose only what society wants us to choose?It seems that as long as women make decisions according to the will of society and the priorities and roles it assigns us - such as being well-kempt, devoted mothers in an ongoing heterosexual romantic relationship - we gain social status as free, independent, autonomous individuals with an untethered ability to fulfill our desires. However, when our choices clash with society's expectations - when we refuse, for instance, to commit to beauty care, have children, or maintain romantic partnerships with men (or in general) - then we run into a problem." (p. 7-8)
"Since the nineteenth century, nationalist, capitalist, heteronormative, and patriarchal ideologies have joined hands to sustain this gendered division of labor - because without women's unpaid labor as mothers and homemakers, the system would fall apart - while stressing that this division is 'natural,' and therefore eternal; that it makes the world a better place; and that it benefits women themselves as well as their children. As we shall see, it is not considered sufficient for a woman to simply mother: mothers are also expected to follow strict and universal rules dictating how they should mother, even though mothers nurture and protect their children in different ways and under different circumstances - and may not necessarily provide such care at all." (p. 31)
"Women, especially those over the age of 30, are caught within a mind-game of threats and warnings: Your time is running out for making a family. You may think that you're not interested in being a mother, but you are wrong; the desire will strike you eventually, but then it will be too late. You are going to regret this. In reality, women's subjective experience of motherhood and nonmotherhood is far more complex; yet because the voices of those women who regret becoming mothers largely remain unheard - as well as those of nonmothers who do not regret not having children - the assumption becomes that they do not in fact exist." (p. 59)
"The statement 'I love my children but regret my motherhood' is very often seen as impossible by definition - because doesn't a wish to erase motherhood mean a wish to erase those children she loves? Yet a statement such as 'I love him, but I regret I ever met him' following a painful romantic relationship would hardly be considered paradoxical. In other words, it may be the sacredness we have placed on motherhood that prevents us from accepting that a woman can both love and acknowledge the broader implications of that love in her life." (p. 113-4)
"On one hand, facing them [the accounts of regretted motherhood] may have torturous consequences; on the other hand, avoiding them may prevent us from understanding social worlds and changing them for the benefit of those who suffer from them. With this in mind, I believe the question 'Why talk about regretting motherhood?' should be flipped the other way around: What are the consequences of silencing regret over motherhood? Who pays the price when we try to pretend it does not exist?" (p. 221)
"The truth is that I have never felt that my unwillingness to be a mother is in need of justification nor that this is a problem that should be solved (though society demands such a justification while assuming I have a problem, I feel it is a problem that society tends to think so). I am not looking to glorify mothers' regret. Nor am I looking to criticize women who want with all their heart to be mothers, as I believe we are diverse in our needs, yearnings, and dreams." (p. 223)
March 20, 2025
Hieno, syvällinen ja moninäkökulmainen sosiologinen tutkimusmatka äitiyden katumiseen. Ihailen paitsi "rohkeaa" aihetta ja siihen tarttumista vihapuheesta huolimatta myös tapaa kirjoittaa tutkimuskirjallisuutta auki. Kirja, joka antoi pitkästä aikaa myös ammatillista inspiraatiota ihan yllättävilläkin tavoilla.
September 29, 2022
An incredibly important book. Motherhood is such a complex topic and the biggest taboo of all is the one concerning regret.
I personally knew from an early age on, that I don’t want to have kids and would be asked on a regular basis if a) I don’t fear of regretting that decision when I am older and b) why, since I would make a fantastic mother as I am having a good time with kids.
Of course there is the risk of regretting not having kids, but isn’t it worse the other way around when you know you might regret the decision of having them? Once they are in this world you cannot undo that and I couldn’t live with the feeling of possibly destroying another persons life (that of my kid(s)), because of lingering resentment due to regret.
Also, yes, I do like kids. They’re fantastic, you can learn so much from them, be inspired by them and it’s incredibly to see them grow up to be their own complex personalities. I have two siblings that are 17 and 19 years younger than me, so there always was the thought that agewise I COULD be their mother. And I love them with all my heart and cherished every second of being around them and seeing them grow up. But I also saw the hardships my stepmom went through, the exhaustion, constant caring (and often worrying).
Donath shows that the reasons for regretting motherhood are complex and have much, but not everything to do with the patriarchical, neoliberal society we’re living in. Most women in her book struggle with the fact that becoming a mother left them stripped of their former identity. Every part of their life from the moment of pregnancy was now connected to another person. And as some women with grown up children said: You don’t stop being a mother even when the kids left the home. You still care and worry about them. Once a mother, always a mother.
And it’s not as if the mothers in Donath’s study don’t love their children. All of them said that these are two totally different things, the fact that you can love these persons and still miss and regret the life you had before (or could have had).
Donath has been accused of wanting to stop people to become mothers, but this is definitely not the feeling I had when reading this book. It’s rather she wants to have them make informed choices instead of following unwritten scripts that family, society and religion might have put onto us.
I personally knew from an early age on, that I don’t want to have kids and would be asked on a regular basis if a) I don’t fear of regretting that decision when I am older and b) why, since I would make a fantastic mother as I am having a good time with kids.
Of course there is the risk of regretting not having kids, but isn’t it worse the other way around when you know you might regret the decision of having them? Once they are in this world you cannot undo that and I couldn’t live with the feeling of possibly destroying another persons life (that of my kid(s)), because of lingering resentment due to regret.
Also, yes, I do like kids. They’re fantastic, you can learn so much from them, be inspired by them and it’s incredibly to see them grow up to be their own complex personalities. I have two siblings that are 17 and 19 years younger than me, so there always was the thought that agewise I COULD be their mother. And I love them with all my heart and cherished every second of being around them and seeing them grow up. But I also saw the hardships my stepmom went through, the exhaustion, constant caring (and often worrying).
Donath shows that the reasons for regretting motherhood are complex and have much, but not everything to do with the patriarchical, neoliberal society we’re living in. Most women in her book struggle with the fact that becoming a mother left them stripped of their former identity. Every part of their life from the moment of pregnancy was now connected to another person. And as some women with grown up children said: You don’t stop being a mother even when the kids left the home. You still care and worry about them. Once a mother, always a mother.
And it’s not as if the mothers in Donath’s study don’t love their children. All of them said that these are two totally different things, the fact that you can love these persons and still miss and regret the life you had before (or could have had).
Donath has been accused of wanting to stop people to become mothers, but this is definitely not the feeling I had when reading this book. It’s rather she wants to have them make informed choices instead of following unwritten scripts that family, society and religion might have put onto us.
April 10, 2017
Sarei ricca se avessi un euro per tutte le volte che qualcuno mi ha detto "Guarda che poi te ne penti". Il mio pensiero seguente però è: "Cosa succede se però il mio sentimento è giusto e poi invece mi pento di averlo fatto, perchè mi rendo conto che davvero non ho alcun desiderio di esserlo?"
Un libro che ritengo molto importante per capire un sentimento mai discusso e mai seriamente preso in considerazione, in nome di una presunta "naturalità" del sentimento materno.
Un libro che ritengo molto importante per capire un sentimento mai discusso e mai seriamente preso in considerazione, in nome di una presunta "naturalità" del sentimento materno.
October 23, 2016
Si a mí que no he sido madre ni me arrepiento de no haberlo sido me ha parecido interesantísimo, imagínate a ti.
January 9, 2018
This is a subject for which I am grateful there is a book. I feel that motherhood was foisted on many of us, and I, too, fell for the “you’ll feel differently when you have your own” spiel. I never did feel differently. I never felt a bond that most mothers speak of, but I have felt a huge responsibility to both my kids. For those reasons I can definitely Identify with some of the subjects in this book. I also have noticed it is a very taboo subject here is the US, and yet I feel we have to speak about it in order to do right by those in the next generation who also feel no compelling need to procreate. I hear the messages that young people are told and it is shocking to me that still, in the 21st century, people are still forcing their own opinions on people who already know they don’t want kids. Thank you for this well-thought out subject. I think you covered all the bases.
I only wish that those who should read the book would read the book (those who condemn women who bring up the subject), but I suppose that is too much to ask.
I only wish that those who should read the book would read the book (those who condemn women who bring up the subject), but I suppose that is too much to ask.
February 19, 2025
un libro muy completo en mi opinión. trata el tema desde una perspectiva bastante amplia y me gusta que introduzca las opiniones de esas madres arrepentidas de forma tan literal. algunos testimonios se me han hecho un poco duros, es doloroso arrepentirse de una cuestión tan irreversible como la maternidad y pienso mucho en los niños. de todas formas, creo que es absolutamente necesario hablar por fin sobre este tema con todas sus consecuencias
December 28, 2022
Ta książka jest dla mnie przełomowa. To moje osobiste odkrycie roku. Mam ambiwalentny stosunek do posiadania dzieci i uważam, że to jest w porządku. Natomiast społeczeństwo i nasza kultura gloryfikuje macierzyństwo, nie dopuszczając do głosu nikogo, kto dzieci mieć nie chce. Bycie matką to nie obowiązek, a wybór (chociaż niestety czasem ten wybór zostaje nam kobietom odebrany), dlatego mogę się podpisać pod tymi słowami Orny Donath: "Jako kobieta, jako ciocia moich trzech siostrzenic, jako socjolożka i jako feministka jestem przekonana, że powinna istnieć możliwość wyboru, by zapewnić, że więcej kobiet będzie paniami swoich ciał, życia i decyzji".
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