Re-read 2025: I first read this three years ago and this time around I gave it a listen. Cooke narrates it herself, with as much enthusiasm as one would expect. My top three takeaways from a second go-round:
1. Be curious and aware of your own assumptions, otherwise you might spend centuries ignoring important information.
2. Everyone makes mistakes or misinterpretations, even Darwin.
3. What is possible in the natural world is far beyond most humans’ scope for imagination.
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If I had lived my whole life being fed the information from this book, and seeing it reinforced in every other book, advertisement, church service, magazine, and classroom, and then had watched movies like Wonder Woman or Captain Marvel every weekend, I could understand how I might grow up insanely confident, feeling like I could take on the world and shape it to my will. It’s simultaneously intoxicating and wildly frustrating to know that this is how some men have experienced the world for centuries. Honestly, if this is how I feel after reading one book, it just makes me wonder what women could do if they were simply acknowledged.
We are missing so much with our narrow, human, man-centered view of the world.
Cooke manages to deliver a stunning array of information with an ample amount of humor. I laughed, I was amazed, I felt both anger and hope, I found myself sharing really cool facts with friends. I resisted sharing really cool facts with strangers, because not everyone wants to hear about animal testicles and vaginas out of a clear blue sky.
My biggest complaint is the cumbersome way Cooke chooses to cite her information, making the initial reading experience smoother, but at a high fact-checking cost. And there are a few places where she could have done a better job tackling the fact that humans are animals. But as far as a well-written book that had me both learning things and feeling things while both laughing and cringing, and sent me to the internet several times for diagrams or videos of what she was describing, this was probably the most intense and satisfying reading experience I’ve had this year.
Pair with Invisible Women to fully appreciate the disservice science does to us all when ignoring fully half the world.
NOTES:
From the introduction: “I was taught that this apparently trivial disparity in our sex cells laid cast-iron biological foundations for sexual inequality.” (From her tone, I’m assuming this will later be revealed as utter nonsense.)
More Introduction: “If womanhood is going to be defined by one thing, rather than strict, outdated rules and expectations, it is its dynamic and varied nature.” (The idea that “woman” or “female” cannot be boiled down to one behavior, physical identifier, or even a clear set of characteristics is clearly too much for many people even today.)
Chapter one begins by looking at females of animals that defy conventional human assumptions. For example, female spotted hyenas give birth through what is essentially a penis, or “her curious, multi-tasking clitoris.”
😳🤯
Chapter one continues into chromosomes and genetics, noting that XX vs XY is a laughably inadequate distinction, and “…the idea that evolution would produce such a tidy binary solution for sex proved to be woefully naive.” Platypuses have FIVE PAIRS of sex chromosomes. Forget XY, they have XXXXXYYYYY and by studying platypus chromosomes scientists came to the conclusion that the Y chromosome will eventually disappear. (That’s right. DISAPPEAR.)
The end of chapter one finishes up with a stunning revelation, namely that estrogen receptors are way (way) older than androgen receptors. So basically everyone is rooted in female sex steroids: “I can’t think of any tissue in the body that doesn’t have an estrogen receptor.” The point is hammered home by reinforcing that it wasn’t Adam and Eve after all… just Eve, all by her lonesome, for millions of years before Adam deigned to show up.
Chapter two addresses choice as a factor shaping the evolution of sexual behavior and traits. The idea that a female would choose something pretty, thus encouraging the continuation of outlandish finery like peacock tails doesn’t seem that alarming. But to those who think that a) God creates all beauty (female choices certainly do not), And b) that only educated and refined upper classes can appreciate beauty (not sad little bird women), this is too much to handle.
This author’s turn of phrase is something else. I am dying. This chapter may kill me.
Chapter three begins with the known truism that males have a biological imperative to be more sexual and have more partners. But then the author notes, if the men are all having wild sex, who are they having it with if the females are so coy and chaste and conservative. It continues with the fascinating information that 90% of female birds have sex with multiple partners, but certain members of the scientific community were so invested in female monogamy they refused to believe what was right before their eyes… until 1997. This section even addresses “toxic masculinity” in langur monkeys (namely, infanticide in order to force a female back into a sexually receptive state), and its counter (female promiscuity to confuse paternity and protect her child).
**And then Cooke continues by stating that the bigger an animal’s testicles, the more men the females are enjoying, which gives a whole new meaning to the admiration of the size of someone’s metaphorical balls. Once again, the bigger your balls, the more likely your lady is running around on you.**
The chapter then finishes all up with some lovely sexism in the sciences, including a male scientist accusing the female scientist of just looking for an excuse to be horny.
Chapter four begins with spider sex, an incredibly delicate and anti-Victorian endeavor. It’s a little Battle of the Sexes here.
And now a 50 Shades of Grey reference 😂 (because some spiders do bondage, a variation on oral sex, or other interesting strategies). Having a moment in this chapter where there are so many amazing things clearly happening in the world around us, and yet humans are ruining it. I am simultaneously awestruck and deeply distressed.
Chapter five takes a brief moment to reveal opossums’ tri-vaginal reproductive system before dropping the line that Charles Darwin’s daughter Henrietta supported eliminating stinkhorn mushrooms because they were too obscene. And this is the moment I go in search of a reference, only to find that Cooke (following a really horrible narrative nonfiction trend) has elected to forego precisely numbered references in favor of a really cumbersome endnote system. *eyeroll* And she included NO SOURCE for this anti-stinkhorn claim. *insert Moira Rose scream of first-world horror and frustration*
And then she gets into ostrich penises and duck vaginas. My main takeaways are that forced copulation between ducks does not frequently result in successful fertilization, and that the most successful birds have evolved past penises. Later in the chapter we get into dolphin vaginas (like ducks, they evolved to easily baffle an unwanted penis). Vaginal misdirection can be controlled by the dolphin themself: change the angle of their body and that sperm is going nowhere. Ducks, too, can choose to make vaginal access easier for a chosen mate, although neither ducks nor dolphins can stop an assault. In most of the book so far, humans don’t pop in too much. But we have gotten to a point in the narrative that’s a little too close to “If it’s legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.” It turns out that while this statement is false (in so many ways), there are nuances. If the goal is conception, female pleasure even in humans increases chances of successful fertilization. It’s easy to see how the willfully ignorant could twist that around to if a woman *isn’t* enjoying it, she *can’t* conceive (not true). In the end, female “control” as it’s referenced here sometimes is system control (the reproductive system in itself), and is sometime creature control, but the two are somewhat smushed together in ways I’m giving a bit of side-eye. And while the inclusion of human animals in this chapter is enlightening, I think she could have addressed the issue of rape in humans more comprehensively than the brief footnote she chose to include.
Chapter six addresses motherhood. So far, she is looking at whether females are biologically and neurologically adapted to be nurturers. The short answer is that, like so many things, this varies a lot across species and even between individuals within a species.
“In the mouse world, for example, virgin males are aggressive and infanticidal, regularly injuring or killing newborns.” But it is possible to turn off infanticide and turn on the ability to care. Besides the violent mouse incels, she also looks at the evolutionary role of infanticide and how studying that part of the brain could help with postpartum depression.
Knowing that Savannah baboon toddlers also have epic tantrums somehow makes me feel better. And even baboons have class privilege, handed down from mother to daughter. Why do we have such a hard time talking about privilege as humans?
On page 140 she addresses “strategic abortion,” noting that in the presence of incoming violent males who will kill her child anyway, some species have evolved so a female might make the choice to self abort her pregnancy. Honestly, this is hitting a little too close to home right now.
Holy hell, even bats and giraffes and black-and-white ruffed lemurs have community daycare for their babies. The fact that humans (at least in the U.S.) have not yet figured this out is beyond pathetic, and I blame Darwin and every lemming-brained man who went along with him. Humans literally evolved to be empathetic and cooperative and I look around and swear we are devolving. Destroying our home and creating ever more ways to brutalize each other and make others’ lives devastatingly cumbersome.
Chapter seven returns to the nature of female choice and the myth that men want sex all the time and must overcome female resistance to get it. Fighting female topi antelopes, singing female songbirds, chicken hierarchies, and the female-led meerkat Game of Thrones all make an appearance here. Hyper-fertile termite queens produce over 20,000 eggs per day, and naked mole rat Stalinist dynasties of more than 900 pups get discussed in this chapter. It’s brutal.
Beginning chapter 8 I am still being entertained and informed, but it’s discouraging to read how thoroughly the male-dominated narrative has seeped into every element of our culture, despite the readily available counter narratives. The descriptions of the female-dominated lemur groups (contrary to the character of King Julian in Madagascar) are both enlightening and just as cringey to behold as male controlled groups.
On page 191 she essentially rehashes Chimamanda Adichie’s TED talk, The Dangers of a Single Story, but from the perspective of using a small group of primates to tell the story of the entire human race. And then follows up with how the latest research suggests that primates’ common ancestors came from co-dominant or female-dominant heritage.
“Power in animal societies has traditionally been defined in terms of dominance through physical intimidation — which is a very male way of looking at it. …[w]e need to find a new way of categorizing power structures to recognize the commanding influence of females that are small yet mighty.“ Even focusing purely on dominance in a hierarchical structure, and not on the role of submission, ignores a large portion of the forces at work in any group.
“The social influence of these female(s)… was overlooked for decades, with researchers focused instead on the more dramatic politics of the alpha male and the noisy shenanigans of his dominance hierarchy.” As we are currently still distracted by the noisy shenanigans of a male-dominated political party, I’m not sure how far we’ve come.
Just spit out my coffee at the origin of the term “missionary position.”
Looking at bonobos and chimps to inform us about our human origins is wild. Chimps were found first and used to explain why men dominate and humans war against each other. But bonobos demonstrate that war does not have to be the default, we can choose sex instead. It’s a choice we are making for ourselves.
Killer Whales and menopause in Chapter Nine. To investigate, we search for data from whale poop. Bonus: Eba, the whale poop sniffing dog 😍
The chapter on whales reflects a lot on humans. Killer whales seem to have a greater emotional spectrum than we do, and are far more community-focused, tenderly caring for disabled members of their group. We as a species have had devastating effects on some of the killer whale populations, to the point where some groups will need to adapt or die. And the author takes a moment to turn that back on humans: our own choices are leading us down a self destructive path. Change must come before it is too late.
Chapter ten features same-sex albatross couples, whose cooperative breeding approach has enabled them to successfully mate in a new geographic area: “…these pioneering lesbians, forging new colonies on fresh higher ground, are literally preserving their species.” Again, human-driven climate change is affecting these species and these birds at least are trying to make it work.
Leaving the albatross, we visit mourning geckos (all-female lizards that reproduce via cloning, leaving them with no genetic variability), and aphids (a combo platter of explosive cloning for volume followed by sexual reproduction for variability).
“All female societies are twice as productive without the dead weight of males, whose offering of genetic diversity is now understood to be less crucial then previously assumed.“ 😐
And the next bit: THIS COULD BE GOOD NEWS for species endangered by humans’ irresponsible behaviors. It seems that human females are unlikely candidates for self-cloning, however. As the book has continued, the wonders Cooke describes in the animals kingdom are still astonishing, but she more directly acknowledges the threats these animals face, and the human causes.
The final chapter takes the sexual binary and throws it out the window, using Darwin’s private (as opposed to his public) writings. “Today barnacles, and creatures like them, are at the forefront of teaching us how sex is no static binary, but a fluid phenomenon, with fuzzy borders that can bend to evolution’s whim with astonishing speed.”
A more accurate Finding Nemo would have had Marlin transition to female. And it’s the delightful clownfish that makes the case that sex determine by gonads and sex determined by brain and behavior are not in fact always the same thing. “The time has come to ditch damaging, and frankly deluded, binary expectations because, in nature, the female experience exists on a genderless continuum: it is variable, highly plastic, and refuses to conform to archaic classifications.”