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Why Didn't You Tell Me?
8 hours, 16 minutes
An immigrant mother’s long-held secrets upend her daughter’s understanding of her family, her identity, and her place in the world in this powerful and dramatic memoir
“This is the Carmen Rita Wong I know—fierce and true. Her story broke my heart and filled it up at the same time.”—Sunny Hostin, three-time Emmy Award–winning co-host of ABC’s The View and New York Times bestselling author of I Am These Truths
My mother carried a powerful secret. A secret that shaped my life and the lives of everyone around me in ways she could not have imagined.
Carmen Rita Wong has always craved a sense of belonging: First as a toddler in a warm room full of Black and brown Latina women, like her mother, Lupe, cheering her dancing during her childhood in Harlem. And in Chinatown, where her immigrant father, “Papi” Wong, a hustler, would show her and her older brother off in opulent restaurants decorated in red and gold. Then came the almost exclusively white playgrounds of New Hampshire after her mother married her stepfather, Marty, who seemed to be the ideal of the white American dad.
As Carmen entered this new world with her new family—Lupe and Marty quickly had four more children—her relationship with her mother became fraught with tension, suspicion, and conflict, explained only years later by the secrets her mother had kept for so long.
And when those secrets were revealed, bringing clarity to so much of Carmen’s life, it was too late for answers. When her mother passed away, Carmen wanted to shake her soul by its shoulders and demand: Why didn’t you tell me?
A former national television host, advice columnist, and professor, Carmen searches to understand who she really is as she discovers her mother’s hidden history, facing the revelations that seep out. Why Didn’t You Tell Me? is a riveting and poignant story of Carmen’s experience of race and culture in America and how they shape who we think we are.
An immigrant mother’s long-held secrets upend her daughter’s understanding of her family, her identity, and her place in the world in this powerful and dramatic memoir
“This is the Carmen Rita Wong I know—fierce and true. Her story broke my heart and filled it up at the same time.”—Sunny Hostin, three-time Emmy Award–winning co-host of ABC’s The View and New York Times bestselling author of I Am These Truths
My mother carried a powerful secret. A secret that shaped my life and the lives of everyone around me in ways she could not have imagined.
Carmen Rita Wong has always craved a sense of belonging: First as a toddler in a warm room full of Black and brown Latina women, like her mother, Lupe, cheering her dancing during her childhood in Harlem. And in Chinatown, where her immigrant father, “Papi” Wong, a hustler, would show her and her older brother off in opulent restaurants decorated in red and gold. Then came the almost exclusively white playgrounds of New Hampshire after her mother married her stepfather, Marty, who seemed to be the ideal of the white American dad.
As Carmen entered this new world with her new family—Lupe and Marty quickly had four more children—her relationship with her mother became fraught with tension, suspicion, and conflict, explained only years later by the secrets her mother had kept for so long.
And when those secrets were revealed, bringing clarity to so much of Carmen’s life, it was too late for answers. When her mother passed away, Carmen wanted to shake her soul by its shoulders and demand: Why didn’t you tell me?
A former national television host, advice columnist, and professor, Carmen searches to understand who she really is as she discovers her mother’s hidden history, facing the revelations that seep out. Why Didn’t You Tell Me? is a riveting and poignant story of Carmen’s experience of race and culture in America and how they shape who we think we are.
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First published July 12, 2022
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About the author
Carmen Rita Wong
2 books113 followersCarmen Rita Wong is a writer, producer, and non-profit board leader, including on the boards of The Moth and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. She is the former co-creator and television host of On the Money on CNBC and was a national advice columnist for Glamour, Latina, Essence, Men’s Health, and Good Housekeeping. Carmen is the author of a series of novels and two bestselling advice books. She is the founder and CEO of Malecon Productions, LLC, where she develops female-focused media and entertainment. She lives in Manhattan with her daughter.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 350 reviews
May 18, 2022
I received a digital ARC in exchange for an honest review.
This memoir has a fantastic hook; I love memoirs that delve into family secrets. Unfortunately, after alluding to this family mystery, Wong doesn't revisit it until the last quarter of the book (and even then it isn't the sole focus). Mostly, this is a memoir of Wong's childhood as a mixed race child moved from NYC to New Hampshire. There is a quote about memoirs (I don't recall who to credit) that you should write from a scar, not a wound. This memoir feels like a gushing wound; Wong seems to write from a place of bitterness and rancor towards her parents and white society. She endured a lot, so this is not a judgment of her feelings, rather a statement about my experiences as a reader.
I grew frustrated with Wong's tone and poor editing (this was an ARC, but the writing was unclear at times). She seems untrusting of either herself or the reader to gain/provide empathy as many of her experiences are accompanied by parenthetical reminders (i.e. "remember I was only a child when this happened..."). There are many misplaced modifiers and other grammatical issues that led to confusion while reading, and she refers to some people by several names (Papi/Peter/my father) and other family members, like her half-sisters, are never referred to by name, which was odd and disconcerting. When Wong is not trying to elicit sympathy, she comes off as bragging about her accomplishments. She displays little to no accountability for her actions, either - she had two failed marriages and describes herself as powerless to them, despite claiming that she saw red flags from the very start (never really describing a period of falling in love, as if perhaps she feels this would be viewed as a weakness?), and similarly writes as a victim of her graduate school experiences, though it seems she never fully researched the income and realities of the profession she was pursuing.
By the time Wong does revisit her paternity (oddly, the synopsis here refers to her stepfather as Charlie, but he is Marty in the book) I was frustrated and tired. These passages are interesting, but I'd grown fairly tired of the book by then. I think this could have been a fascinating essay but it does not feel like a flushed out memoir - I wish I had skipped to the end of the book after the opening.
This memoir has a fantastic hook; I love memoirs that delve into family secrets. Unfortunately, after alluding to this family mystery, Wong doesn't revisit it until the last quarter of the book (and even then it isn't the sole focus). Mostly, this is a memoir of Wong's childhood as a mixed race child moved from NYC to New Hampshire. There is a quote about memoirs (I don't recall who to credit) that you should write from a scar, not a wound. This memoir feels like a gushing wound; Wong seems to write from a place of bitterness and rancor towards her parents and white society. She endured a lot, so this is not a judgment of her feelings, rather a statement about my experiences as a reader.
I grew frustrated with Wong's tone and poor editing (this was an ARC, but the writing was unclear at times). She seems untrusting of either herself or the reader to gain/provide empathy as many of her experiences are accompanied by parenthetical reminders (i.e. "remember I was only a child when this happened..."). There are many misplaced modifiers and other grammatical issues that led to confusion while reading, and she refers to some people by several names (Papi/Peter/my father) and other family members, like her half-sisters, are never referred to by name, which was odd and disconcerting. When Wong is not trying to elicit sympathy, she comes off as bragging about her accomplishments. She displays little to no accountability for her actions, either - she had two failed marriages and describes herself as powerless to them, despite claiming that she saw red flags from the very start (never really describing a period of falling in love, as if perhaps she feels this would be viewed as a weakness?), and similarly writes as a victim of her graduate school experiences, though it seems she never fully researched the income and realities of the profession she was pursuing.
By the time Wong does revisit her paternity (oddly, the synopsis here refers to her stepfather as Charlie, but he is Marty in the book) I was frustrated and tired. These passages are interesting, but I'd grown fairly tired of the book by then. I think this could have been a fascinating essay but it does not feel like a flushed out memoir - I wish I had skipped to the end of the book after the opening.
July 15, 2022
A raw and difficult memoir from a woman who demonstrates the difficulties and joys of multiple ethnic identities, Why Didn't You Tell Me? purports to be a story about a woman whose life is shaken by a lifelong secret her mother kept from her. In reality, it's about Carmen Rita Wong's experience growing up as a "Chino-Latino" with a strong-willed, abusive mother, moving from Brooklyn to New Hampshire, and trying to find her own identity as she became her own person.
I keep going back to a review I read of this book early on, which said that memoirs should be written from a scar, not an open wound. In the last quarter of the book, Wong gets into the events that really caused her to write this memoir - they all happen within 18-20 months, and coincide with the Covid-19 pandemic. She acknowledges that a lot of this grief and trauma is still extremely fresh, and she's still in the process of processing it. As a reader, this is so apparent. After reading and digesting this book for a while, I still don't know how to feel about it, primarily because Wong doesn't know how to feel about it - and it's her own trauma for her to digest. Perhaps the book was and is part of the process of healing, but there are so many untempered emotions of anger, bitterness, sadness, loss, etc. all rolled into one fairly short book.
Thank you to Crown Publishing for the ARC via Netgalley.
I keep going back to a review I read of this book early on, which said that memoirs should be written from a scar, not an open wound. In the last quarter of the book, Wong gets into the events that really caused her to write this memoir - they all happen within 18-20 months, and coincide with the Covid-19 pandemic. She acknowledges that a lot of this grief and trauma is still extremely fresh, and she's still in the process of processing it. As a reader, this is so apparent. After reading and digesting this book for a while, I still don't know how to feel about it, primarily because Wong doesn't know how to feel about it - and it's her own trauma for her to digest. Perhaps the book was and is part of the process of healing, but there are so many untempered emotions of anger, bitterness, sadness, loss, etc. all rolled into one fairly short book.
Thank you to Crown Publishing for the ARC via Netgalley.
August 31, 2022
I have empathy for what the author went through ... but this felt like a great big whiny pity party. And possibly something Ms. Wong should have kept in a diary to discuss with her therapists. Half-way through this struggle-of-a-book, I checked on its reviews ... wondering if I should continue to the end. Reviews were mixed; I did finish it ... mission accomplished, but again, a struggle.
September 3, 2022
Thought this book would be about her discovering who her birth father was. Instead, the first 3/4th of the book was her childhood and identity in a white world as a child of Chinese/Latino/Dominican heritage. For someone who claims she's had a ton of therapy for years, the chip on that shoulder is still a boulder. So.much.anger. Would have DNF'd it, but I'm not a quitter.
July 16, 2022
Carmen Rita Wong, thank you for sharing your story with us, I cried so much with you and also felt happy that you were able to succeed in life far away from the things that hurt you.
Why Didn't you tell me? is the story of Carmen a Dominican-American-Chinese who survived many of the ignorance of the culture that put her in many scenarios that were terrible for any young child, her mother Lupe secretly hid a huge secret that affected Carmen's life in so many ways, but at the same time helped Carmen to see why she always felt the way she felt around her family.
While I was reading Carmen's story I felt very connected with her because her mother and my father are very similar always trying to focus the attention of everybody on them no matter what is happening to you the attention always has to be around them, the spotlight always belonged to them, that's how I felt while reading the first pages of the book, reading how at the beginning Lupe was a kind mother but started to change significantly towards Carmen in a very aggressive way.
Carmen suffered so much with all the changes in her life, her mother's new marriage to Marty, and they move to a new place that really didn't make their life easy, the level of racism Carmen describes is terrible, ignorant and it only speaks how people really believe the color of your skin somehow has to do anything with success?!? Carmen was always very smart and saw and heard many times people around them making fun of her mother and her. living in a small town was not easy people were very square and belive many ignorant things.
she had a brother Alex whom she loved and cared for, their relationship was the best part of this family, Alex was always kind and trying to help her in many ways, years later Carmen had new siblings she had sisters to confined and love but still, Alex was her rock. Carmen always felt she was different, this is the time when I couldn't understand Lupe, she was very tired and angry to be at home working hard taking care of all her children and she still got pregnant over and over again, there is a scene that really made me angry, the fact that your kids spend hours preparing a bday for you and Lupe destroying that in a second, I really disliked her so much at that moment, they didn't, deserve that plus I can't understand a mother who Can't see their kids with eyes of love.
Another thing that I really dislike was Marty's poor behavior towards Lupe, he made fun of her, and sometimes ridicule her in his own way, I don't understand the behavior of these men all of them were very misogynistic and saw women as servants, I know that's the culture and I know in some many places in Latin America and other parts of the world still practice this poor behavior, they see women as someone inferior but I never understood why they had to make fun of them or even treat them like they were nothing?. why did you marry in the first place if you were gonna treat Lupe that way?
After reading all the things Lupe, Papi wong and Marty did to Carmen, I couldn't stand them, I really was angry with them because they couldn't help her and really support her in any way, their problems were bigger than taking care of Carmen, their behavior was always very selfish but in the end, once Carmen learned the real truth about her mother all that she went through when she was just a young lady, is when everything starts to make sense.
Lupe suffered so much when she was just a child, her father was a Macho, a machista, who treated women worst than an object, enabling Lupe to have the capacity to not repeat the same pattern and the same mistakes with her own children.
Carmen your story is hard and beautiful, I felt close to you in many ways, and cried with you, especially when your brother Alex left I wanted to be there with you and hold you and I'm glad you were able to succeed and make such a strong woman of yourself you deserve so much.
This book is beautiful in some way, the imperfect family makes a perfectly beautiful woman Carmen.
Thanks to NetGalley and Crown Publishing for an advanced reader copy of Why Didn't You Tell Me? in exchange for an honest review.
Why Didn't you tell me? is the story of Carmen a Dominican-American-Chinese who survived many of the ignorance of the culture that put her in many scenarios that were terrible for any young child, her mother Lupe secretly hid a huge secret that affected Carmen's life in so many ways, but at the same time helped Carmen to see why she always felt the way she felt around her family.
While I was reading Carmen's story I felt very connected with her because her mother and my father are very similar always trying to focus the attention of everybody on them no matter what is happening to you the attention always has to be around them, the spotlight always belonged to them, that's how I felt while reading the first pages of the book, reading how at the beginning Lupe was a kind mother but started to change significantly towards Carmen in a very aggressive way.
Carmen suffered so much with all the changes in her life, her mother's new marriage to Marty, and they move to a new place that really didn't make their life easy, the level of racism Carmen describes is terrible, ignorant and it only speaks how people really believe the color of your skin somehow has to do anything with success?!? Carmen was always very smart and saw and heard many times people around them making fun of her mother and her. living in a small town was not easy people were very square and belive many ignorant things.
she had a brother Alex whom she loved and cared for, their relationship was the best part of this family, Alex was always kind and trying to help her in many ways, years later Carmen had new siblings she had sisters to confined and love but still, Alex was her rock. Carmen always felt she was different, this is the time when I couldn't understand Lupe, she was very tired and angry to be at home working hard taking care of all her children and she still got pregnant over and over again, there is a scene that really made me angry, the fact that your kids spend hours preparing a bday for you and Lupe destroying that in a second, I really disliked her so much at that moment, they didn't, deserve that plus I can't understand a mother who Can't see their kids with eyes of love.
Another thing that I really dislike was Marty's poor behavior towards Lupe, he made fun of her, and sometimes ridicule her in his own way, I don't understand the behavior of these men all of them were very misogynistic and saw women as servants, I know that's the culture and I know in some many places in Latin America and other parts of the world still practice this poor behavior, they see women as someone inferior but I never understood why they had to make fun of them or even treat them like they were nothing?. why did you marry in the first place if you were gonna treat Lupe that way?
After reading all the things Lupe, Papi wong and Marty did to Carmen, I couldn't stand them, I really was angry with them because they couldn't help her and really support her in any way, their problems were bigger than taking care of Carmen, their behavior was always very selfish but in the end, once Carmen learned the real truth about her mother all that she went through when she was just a young lady, is when everything starts to make sense.
Lupe suffered so much when she was just a child, her father was a Macho, a machista, who treated women worst than an object, enabling Lupe to have the capacity to not repeat the same pattern and the same mistakes with her own children.
Carmen your story is hard and beautiful, I felt close to you in many ways, and cried with you, especially when your brother Alex left I wanted to be there with you and hold you and I'm glad you were able to succeed and make such a strong woman of yourself you deserve so much.
This book is beautiful in some way, the imperfect family makes a perfectly beautiful woman Carmen.
Thanks to NetGalley and Crown Publishing for an advanced reader copy of Why Didn't You Tell Me? in exchange for an honest review.
August 28, 2022
Very self entitled. It is all about her. How her mother and step father wronged her by not choosing the rug she wanted for her bedroom. How her step father robbed her of her perfect childhood by moving the family away from her Dominican neighborhood in New York. I feel for her poor step father, who raised her and her brother as his own, while she glorifies her Chinese "father" who practically did not lift a finger to raise her.
ZERO empathy for others. ZERO accountability for her own actions. Don't waste your time.
ZERO empathy for others. ZERO accountability for her own actions. Don't waste your time.
August 8, 2022
I know mine is not the most popular opinion, but I was not a fan of Why Didn’t You Tell Me? Let met start by commending the author for having the courage to put pen to paper and write about her experiences. That alone is worthy of my respect, and I can tell by the feel of this story that it was tough to write.
The biggest thing that struck me about this novel was the tremendous amount of tension and bitterness that leaps off the pages. It is written almost like one would write in a diary, to vent and deal with unresolved issues, and less like the paternal mystery I had assumed this novel was going to be about. I picked up and put down this book so many times that I finally resorted to skimming, and even then it was a struggle. Maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be reading such a deep subject matter, and I again commend the author for sharing her truth. It just wasn’t an enjoyable read for me.
*I have voluntarily reviewed a copy of this book which I received from Crown Publishing through NetGalley. All views and opinions expressed are completely honest, and my own.
The biggest thing that struck me about this novel was the tremendous amount of tension and bitterness that leaps off the pages. It is written almost like one would write in a diary, to vent and deal with unresolved issues, and less like the paternal mystery I had assumed this novel was going to be about. I picked up and put down this book so many times that I finally resorted to skimming, and even then it was a struggle. Maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be reading such a deep subject matter, and I again commend the author for sharing her truth. It just wasn’t an enjoyable read for me.
*I have voluntarily reviewed a copy of this book which I received from Crown Publishing through NetGalley. All views and opinions expressed are completely honest, and my own.
July 28, 2022
My mother didn't know who her father was until she was in her late 60s. I had moved away and I still have not met her brothers in person.
It shapes a person's life to have this important history missing. Reading this was like understanding my mother a bit more, the pain she went through.
At the same time, I learned a lot about the Dominican and to a degree Chinese culture I had not heard from someone who experienced it growing up. It was insightful to hear how American racism is experienced from another perspective. As an African American, I'm well aware of how it has impacted me and my family. So much damage has been done by our racist culture, and it is so embedded in America. We need as many stories told as possible to finally face the reality of the toxic culture we have created.
It shapes a person's life to have this important history missing. Reading this was like understanding my mother a bit more, the pain she went through.
At the same time, I learned a lot about the Dominican and to a degree Chinese culture I had not heard from someone who experienced it growing up. It was insightful to hear how American racism is experienced from another perspective. As an African American, I'm well aware of how it has impacted me and my family. So much damage has been done by our racist culture, and it is so embedded in America. We need as many stories told as possible to finally face the reality of the toxic culture we have created.
June 13, 2022
Imagine growing up where you never fully fit into your own family. Growing as a teen and then a woman and never being enough. Not white enough, not black enough, not Latin enough, not Chinese enough. Just when you think you have made peace with it, a three decade kept secret throws another curve at you. The book also touches on many faces of racism, racism among your own kind, and in the workplace. I really enjoyed being a first read for this. Thank you Goodreads and crown publishing.
August 17, 2022
3.5 stars
Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.
As soon as I heard about this book, I wanted to read it. The title is very intriguing and although I quickly realized what the story would be, I was interested to hear how the author’s life/story would play out.
So…. Yes, it was interesting to hear the author describe her tough childhood, and the challenges of growing up brown. There was a solid theme of not fitting in. But I admired her tenacity and rooted for her throughout.
The problem I had was that the “issue” that the title implies wasn’t mentioned until the book was two thirds done, then the remaining third raced through discoveries and consequences. I thought it was a bit misleading to have such a catchy title and then leave the reader hanging for so long. I would have been more interested in hearing about the ramifications to the author’s life at this point rather than so much information about her early years.
Thank you to Netgalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.
As soon as I heard about this book, I wanted to read it. The title is very intriguing and although I quickly realized what the story would be, I was interested to hear how the author’s life/story would play out.
So…. Yes, it was interesting to hear the author describe her tough childhood, and the challenges of growing up brown. There was a solid theme of not fitting in. But I admired her tenacity and rooted for her throughout.
The problem I had was that the “issue” that the title implies wasn’t mentioned until the book was two thirds done, then the remaining third raced through discoveries and consequences. I thought it was a bit misleading to have such a catchy title and then leave the reader hanging for so long. I would have been more interested in hearing about the ramifications to the author’s life at this point rather than so much information about her early years.
May 12, 2023
it goes on and on and on about things unrelated. also, where is the editor?
August 29, 2022
1.5
I did not enjoy this. I was expecting a deep analysis of identity, family, and parenting but really just got a basic memoir of an ambitious woman of color growing up in the 80s/90s. I'm not doubting that Wong's life was hard, I just think that navigating financial struggles, racism, and success is unfortunately a very common occurrence for immigrants in America and Wong's writing failed to interest me.
ALL of this book's marketing is about Wong's complicated father situation but 70%+ of the book is just a sassy and patronizingly written narrative of her life story that doesn't even do an effective job as a "story". There's more telling than showing and instead of breaking down the social issues behind her various life situations Wong chooses to repeatedly prove to the reader of her success. Instead of just saying she cried, why didn't she describe her feelings? Instead of just listing all the Asian authors she read why didn't she discuss how their works impacted her newly shaken world view? Instead of telling us 20 times that she was passionate about psychology and has an ivy league degree why didn't she analyze her complicated emotions and thoughts? The last 30% IS somewhat interesting but instead of expanding it further this book is filled with fluff, sorry I don't care about Wong's childhood bedsheets.
Maybe Wong just hasn't fully processed her thoughts or just doesn't have enough to say about it and that's fine, just write an essay dude. Idk maybe I'm just annoyed that I got clickbaited into reading a BOOK. If you're a fan of Wong you'll probably enjoy reading about her life but I didn't care for it and definitely didn't enjoy her writing.
I did not enjoy this. I was expecting a deep analysis of identity, family, and parenting but really just got a basic memoir of an ambitious woman of color growing up in the 80s/90s. I'm not doubting that Wong's life was hard, I just think that navigating financial struggles, racism, and success is unfortunately a very common occurrence for immigrants in America and Wong's writing failed to interest me.
ALL of this book's marketing is about Wong's complicated father situation but 70%+ of the book is just a sassy and patronizingly written narrative of her life story that doesn't even do an effective job as a "story". There's more telling than showing and instead of breaking down the social issues behind her various life situations Wong chooses to repeatedly prove to the reader of her success. Instead of just saying she cried, why didn't she describe her feelings? Instead of just listing all the Asian authors she read why didn't she discuss how their works impacted her newly shaken world view? Instead of telling us 20 times that she was passionate about psychology and has an ivy league degree why didn't she analyze her complicated emotions and thoughts? The last 30% IS somewhat interesting but instead of expanding it further this book is filled with fluff, sorry I don't care about Wong's childhood bedsheets.
Maybe Wong just hasn't fully processed her thoughts or just doesn't have enough to say about it and that's fine, just write an essay dude. Idk maybe I'm just annoyed that I got clickbaited into reading a BOOK. If you're a fan of Wong you'll probably enjoy reading about her life but I didn't care for it and definitely didn't enjoy her writing.
April 1, 2024
Wong's story hit close to home in many respects for me: interrogating one's racial identity, having a mixed heritage, being an older sister, managing family expectations and cultural dynamics, striving to assert oneself as a woman through education and meaningful work; living in different Latin American countries and contrasting their idiosyncrasies, and more. I don't often encounter non-fiction books at the intersection of these topics, so I appreciate this personal story for that. Although it was not the main focal point, I found her relationship with her brother especially moving. It personally carried me through the book.
Perhaps precisely because I could relate to her, I was a demanding reader. While having a confident tone, I found this memoir too simple in its execution. It is written anecdotally, almost as if it was only lightly revised afterward. At times it contents itself with tackling big ideas too plainly, almost superficially. I itched for more nuance, particularly regarding machismo and classism in Latin American societies, or more depth when exploring the challenges of upholding feminist ideals in certain professional contexts. Some ideas appear not fully developed, and a few storylines are deliberately avoided or cut short. I ultimately expected my reading experience to be more profound or challenging.
Perhaps precisely because I could relate to her, I was a demanding reader. While having a confident tone, I found this memoir too simple in its execution. It is written anecdotally, almost as if it was only lightly revised afterward. At times it contents itself with tackling big ideas too plainly, almost superficially. I itched for more nuance, particularly regarding machismo and classism in Latin American societies, or more depth when exploring the challenges of upholding feminist ideals in certain professional contexts. Some ideas appear not fully developed, and a few storylines are deliberately avoided or cut short. I ultimately expected my reading experience to be more profound or challenging.
October 20, 2022
A memoir said to reveal many family secrets over a lifetime.. I'm not sure if I really got what I thought I was going to get out of this one though that did sound super interesting to me initially. It was about identity and intergenerational trauma, but I thought we were going to focus much more on the mystery of who her father was. Still a good memoir, but not as moving as I believed it would be. Maybe I should have gone into this one with less knowledge and expectations. That mindset might have let me enjoy this much more than I actually did in the end.
September 23, 2022
If I could give less than one star, I would. This memoir is a serious downer — journalist Rita who grew up thinking she and her brother Alex’s parents were Black Dominican Lupe and Chinese American Peter. Lupe is very damaged and is alternately negligent and harsh; Peter is a thieving, gambling criminal. They get divorced, and Lupe marries White Marty and moves with Alex and Rita to lily white NH. They have 4 more daughters. It is not a happy home, and Rita is responsible for taking care of her younger sisters. Lupe then divorces Marty and marries an older guy. It doesn’t last long.
Very screwed up cultures with respect to women. Lupe essentially “sold” to Peter who was as close to white as possible.
Peter tells Rita that he, not Peter, is her father, so she goes through identity crisis, grieving the loss of her Chinese heritage. But after her mom dies (learning her mom had a number of abortions and only kept Rita because Peter said her would support her financially), she learns (courtesy of DNA testing) that Peter is actually not her father either. Years later, she discovers her father is dead; he was a neighbor who resembles Peter. As you might expect, Wong gets Into identity and race a lot. Rita is still processing the fact that she thought three different men were her father at some point, and I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, but I found this book tough to read — she is so angry and bitter and assuming the worst intent possible. She is constantly attributing her mal intent to anything that anyone says to her that she doesn’t like. She is constantly railing against all the injustice in life, like a kid throwing a tantrum screaming “Life isn’t fair!” Not sure where she got the notion that it was?
It is her prerogative of course to do what she wants, but I can’t help but wonder how much more constructive (and enjoyable) life could be if she weren’t so angry and assigning the worst motives to everyone she meets. It’s a tough way to go through life.
Very screwed up cultures with respect to women. Lupe essentially “sold” to Peter who was as close to white as possible.
Peter tells Rita that he, not Peter, is her father, so she goes through identity crisis, grieving the loss of her Chinese heritage. But after her mom dies (learning her mom had a number of abortions and only kept Rita because Peter said her would support her financially), she learns (courtesy of DNA testing) that Peter is actually not her father either. Years later, she discovers her father is dead; he was a neighbor who resembles Peter. As you might expect, Wong gets Into identity and race a lot. Rita is still processing the fact that she thought three different men were her father at some point, and I can’t imagine how difficult that must be, but I found this book tough to read — she is so angry and bitter and assuming the worst intent possible. She is constantly attributing her mal intent to anything that anyone says to her that she doesn’t like. She is constantly railing against all the injustice in life, like a kid throwing a tantrum screaming “Life isn’t fair!” Not sure where she got the notion that it was?
It is her prerogative of course to do what she wants, but I can’t help but wonder how much more constructive (and enjoyable) life could be if she weren’t so angry and assigning the worst motives to everyone she meets. It’s a tough way to go through life.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 1, 2022
Wow. Just wow.
Once I started reading this, I could not stop. I consumed it all in one day. I HAD to know how it all ended and I was not disappointed.
THIS is the kind of memoir I love reading - a tough story that shows the resilience of the author without all the whining and complaining so many memoirs of today have. Yes, the author had a rough life. She never quite felt she fit in anywhere. Dominican, but not really Dominican enough. Asian, but not really Asian enough. Black, but not really black enough. American, but not really American enough. And the worst of all - never feeling like she fit into her family; never really looking like any one person and never really feeling that close to her half-sisters [she had an amazing relationship with her brother that I admit to be extremely envious of], yet she takes ALL of that and makes it work for her and makes a pretty good life for herself. It isn't until her "dad" throws a bombshell at her and the results of a Ancestry.com test that her life is thrown into full turmoil with an ending that made me ugly cry for quite some time.
This was an excellent read. I knew little about the Dominican culture and this was an interesting look into that world. As someone who has struggled her whole life to fit into her family [but for WAY different reasons], I also could relate to those feelings she felt when she struggled to be seen. And even with the ugly crying at the end, I loved how it ended and I can see the hope she has in moving forward. Her love and grace shown is much more than I think I would be capable of giving.
Thank you to NetGalley, Carmen Rita Wong and Crown Publishing/Penguin Random House [who asked me to read and review this book] for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Once I started reading this, I could not stop. I consumed it all in one day. I HAD to know how it all ended and I was not disappointed.
THIS is the kind of memoir I love reading - a tough story that shows the resilience of the author without all the whining and complaining so many memoirs of today have. Yes, the author had a rough life. She never quite felt she fit in anywhere. Dominican, but not really Dominican enough. Asian, but not really Asian enough. Black, but not really black enough. American, but not really American enough. And the worst of all - never feeling like she fit into her family; never really looking like any one person and never really feeling that close to her half-sisters [she had an amazing relationship with her brother that I admit to be extremely envious of], yet she takes ALL of that and makes it work for her and makes a pretty good life for herself. It isn't until her "dad" throws a bombshell at her and the results of a Ancestry.com test that her life is thrown into full turmoil with an ending that made me ugly cry for quite some time.
This was an excellent read. I knew little about the Dominican culture and this was an interesting look into that world. As someone who has struggled her whole life to fit into her family [but for WAY different reasons], I also could relate to those feelings she felt when she struggled to be seen. And even with the ugly crying at the end, I loved how it ended and I can see the hope she has in moving forward. Her love and grace shown is much more than I think I would be capable of giving.
Thank you to NetGalley, Carmen Rita Wong and Crown Publishing/Penguin Random House [who asked me to read and review this book] for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
February 11, 2023
From Harlem to New Hampshire and back to New York City - the chip never fell off her shoulder. I’d never heard of her and I’m still not real sure who she is. It was a memoir that wouldn’t have been believed if it was fiction. Very well written, but she is a real Drama Queen. I think she made a mountain out of every molehill.
I think she and her mother prided themselves on being different. They make no attempts to have friends in New Hampshire. There is no interaction with neighbors or coworkers. Ms Wong blames all her failures on her color, which in this day and age seems ridiculous. We’re people really concerned about her and making racial slurs? I doubt it.
She made numerous bad decisions (don’t we all) as she tries to find herself. If she were a character in fiction I would have really disliked her. My advice - pull up your big girl panties and get a life!!
This is my nod to Black History Month!!
I think she and her mother prided themselves on being different. They make no attempts to have friends in New Hampshire. There is no interaction with neighbors or coworkers. Ms Wong blames all her failures on her color, which in this day and age seems ridiculous. We’re people really concerned about her and making racial slurs? I doubt it.
She made numerous bad decisions (don’t we all) as she tries to find herself. If she were a character in fiction I would have really disliked her. My advice - pull up your big girl panties and get a life!!
This is my nod to Black History Month!!
November 1, 2022
Much of the book is an eye opening look into what it was like growing up multicultural in America. She has quite a story to tell of family secrets and shifting personal identity due to those secrets. I understand why she is bitter about many aspects of her life but the raw, heavily bitter tone the book is written in makes of very hard to read.
August 30, 2022
Why Didn't You Tell Me? A Memoir by Carmen Rita Wong. This was 230 pages long and full of Carmen’s main events in her life. I knew little about her background. Examples; Chinese and Dominican lives in the USA.
I can’t even imagine what she went through and found her mothers story fascinating. I certainly don’t condone what she did but was amazed at how determined she was to make it in America.
CRW will share her birth, the many men in her life and her close relationships with her sisters. And then she’ll drop a bomb and show you how she dealt with it.
I’m grateful she shared this and even learned somethings about myself on her journey. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Thanks Crown Publishing via NetGalley.
I can’t even imagine what she went through and found her mothers story fascinating. I certainly don’t condone what she did but was amazed at how determined she was to make it in America.
CRW will share her birth, the many men in her life and her close relationships with her sisters. And then she’ll drop a bomb and show you how she dealt with it.
I’m grateful she shared this and even learned somethings about myself on her journey. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Thanks Crown Publishing via NetGalley.
September 25, 2022
I feel a bit bad giving this book 3 stars because largely I was disappointed because it didn’t align with my expectations, not because there was anything bad about it. I wanted a book that explored what it means to be Asian, hoping for some guidance and insight for myself as a multiracial person who sometimes feels “not Asian enough.” I was also hoping for insight on what it means to be a family, one without biological ties, of interest because I want to adopt children someday. Although I knew it would not be the main topic of the book, I was hoping to be able to ruminate on my own questions like “Can the adopted child of me and my partner be Asian and Jewish, if they are not biologically so?”; “Can you authentically be part of a culture in the US if others do not perceive you to fit because of the way you look?”; etc.
However, this book is much more about what it was like growing up brown in a white society, the personal conflict between the author and her mother, and the intergenerational pain caused by lies, racism/colorism, and familial disfunction. The author is (understandably) distraught when she learns her father is not who she thought, but her perspective certainly places biological connections in pride of place when trying to understand herself. She speaks only briefly about her connections to Asian culture and to her Asian family, and her life after finding out she is not Asian is so filled with stress and trauma that she doesn’t have much time to reflect on what that means to her (at least in the text of the book).
I think this book has a lot of interesting things to say and may be more poignant for other readers or ones with more accurate expectations.
However, this book is much more about what it was like growing up brown in a white society, the personal conflict between the author and her mother, and the intergenerational pain caused by lies, racism/colorism, and familial disfunction. The author is (understandably) distraught when she learns her father is not who she thought, but her perspective certainly places biological connections in pride of place when trying to understand herself. She speaks only briefly about her connections to Asian culture and to her Asian family, and her life after finding out she is not Asian is so filled with stress and trauma that she doesn’t have much time to reflect on what that means to her (at least in the text of the book).
I think this book has a lot of interesting things to say and may be more poignant for other readers or ones with more accurate expectations.
May 5, 2022
“It was the end of something, not just the beginning.”
Over the first chapters you are introduced to the caste system of the Wong family. Early on there’s a realization that her family saw her as a puppet to maneuver into their ideal realities. Mami settles with her second husband Marty, whom she met at Columbia University. Here she finds a timeline error when she realizes they’d known each other for 6 years. Marty opens her eyes to a new world of travel. They move from the city to a upcoming luxury subdivision. She learns about racism as their neighbors are all white. Carmen and her mother have a lot of tension especially after she has four more children. After the passing of her mother she will start to unfold the secret layers of her mothers life and how it changed her own. Well written, not too long, nor too short. I would suggest this book to anyone who likes a good aha moment that unfolds piece by piece. Nice to find a nice short memoir that kept my attention throughout.
Thank you to Crown/Random House for the advance proofs. Unbiased honesty
Over the first chapters you are introduced to the caste system of the Wong family. Early on there’s a realization that her family saw her as a puppet to maneuver into their ideal realities. Mami settles with her second husband Marty, whom she met at Columbia University. Here she finds a timeline error when she realizes they’d known each other for 6 years. Marty opens her eyes to a new world of travel. They move from the city to a upcoming luxury subdivision. She learns about racism as their neighbors are all white. Carmen and her mother have a lot of tension especially after she has four more children. After the passing of her mother she will start to unfold the secret layers of her mothers life and how it changed her own. Well written, not too long, nor too short. I would suggest this book to anyone who likes a good aha moment that unfolds piece by piece. Nice to find a nice short memoir that kept my attention throughout.
Thank you to Crown/Random House for the advance proofs. Unbiased honesty
December 29, 2022
Overall this memoir was okay, but I agree with another reviewer who wrote something along the lines of how memoirs should be written from a scar, not a wound. I definitely felt a lot of anger and unresolved issues from the author, which isn't a "bad" thing (obviously, we all have our unresolved issues and it's not like you need to be completely stable to write a memoir), but I just felt like it made for an uneven experience. I think a good contrast is the memoir What My Bones Know, which is also a similar account of a second generation immigrant who went through intergenerational trauma, but the writing felt more complete and insightful to me.
August 1, 2022
Fascinating reading. I devoured it. The author has had an interesting life with high achievement despite numerous difficulties.
July 10, 2022
Carmen Rita Wong’s “Why Didn’t You Tell Me?” is a sharp, turbulent memoir; an exploration of identity and intergenerational trauma that unfolds as she endures adversity and tragedy, and wades through decades’ thick family secrets that leave her questioning who she really is.
This reads like a cathartic therapy session or a long catch up with a friend. While Wong’s voice is assured, I could sense her raw emotion as she recollected her convoluted history and subsequent search for truth. Families are fickle, and intergenerational trauma is real–Wong doesn’t shy away from portraying her family’s complexities, but does so in a well-rounded manner. Born into a marriage of convenience between her Dominican mother (Lupe) and Chinese father, she recounts a vibrant–and mysterious–Manhattan life until Lupe’s remarriage to her white stepfather, who relocates their family to New Hampshire where they are subjected to racism and pressure to assimilate. Lupe becomes a solitary housewife unable to express her individuality, leading to deep unhappiness that manifests as verbal and mental abuse towards her children. While it’s clear Wong’s relationship with Lupe is fraught, she acknowledges that the abuse came from sacrifice, hurt, and a need for control after Lupe’s own history of abuse and later on the feeling of being stuck in life–this is what I appreciated most about this book, the recognition that parents struggle too, and while abuse isn’t justifiable, perhaps the next generation can unpack and break the cycle.
Through all this, Wong works hard and earns an amazing career. Still, her relationships suffer and she is force fed a confession from her stepfather that tilts her world and understanding of her past, culture, and identity that I won’t go into for spoilers sake. When I read it I was like, “will this woman ever catch a break?” I felt for Wong as she was capsized by tragedy and dissatisfaction, but from the short time I’ve known her, I know she wouldn’t want my condolences. Instead, I deeply admire her resilience and continued hunt for a sense of peace.
Thank you Crown Publishing and Net Galley for this ARC.
This reads like a cathartic therapy session or a long catch up with a friend. While Wong’s voice is assured, I could sense her raw emotion as she recollected her convoluted history and subsequent search for truth. Families are fickle, and intergenerational trauma is real–Wong doesn’t shy away from portraying her family’s complexities, but does so in a well-rounded manner. Born into a marriage of convenience between her Dominican mother (Lupe) and Chinese father, she recounts a vibrant–and mysterious–Manhattan life until Lupe’s remarriage to her white stepfather, who relocates their family to New Hampshire where they are subjected to racism and pressure to assimilate. Lupe becomes a solitary housewife unable to express her individuality, leading to deep unhappiness that manifests as verbal and mental abuse towards her children. While it’s clear Wong’s relationship with Lupe is fraught, she acknowledges that the abuse came from sacrifice, hurt, and a need for control after Lupe’s own history of abuse and later on the feeling of being stuck in life–this is what I appreciated most about this book, the recognition that parents struggle too, and while abuse isn’t justifiable, perhaps the next generation can unpack and break the cycle.
Through all this, Wong works hard and earns an amazing career. Still, her relationships suffer and she is force fed a confession from her stepfather that tilts her world and understanding of her past, culture, and identity that I won’t go into for spoilers sake. When I read it I was like, “will this woman ever catch a break?” I felt for Wong as she was capsized by tragedy and dissatisfaction, but from the short time I’ve known her, I know she wouldn’t want my condolences. Instead, I deeply admire her resilience and continued hunt for a sense of peace.
Thank you Crown Publishing and Net Galley for this ARC.
April 16, 2022
WOW.
Clusterfuck of a story, hell of a write.
Why Didn't You Tell Me? is amazing. I admit that I thought it was a bit a slow build-up at first, however, as the story unfolded, I realized just how much the build-up was needed. This telenovela of a real life story is crazy, having implanted roots only then to find your roots are seeded way beyond your deepest imagination. This is 100% worth the read.
Thank you Carmen for opening up about your life, I am confident that you are not alone.
5 out of 5.
Clusterfuck of a story, hell of a write.
Why Didn't You Tell Me? is amazing. I admit that I thought it was a bit a slow build-up at first, however, as the story unfolded, I realized just how much the build-up was needed. This telenovela of a real life story is crazy, having implanted roots only then to find your roots are seeded way beyond your deepest imagination. This is 100% worth the read.
Thank you Carmen for opening up about your life, I am confident that you are not alone.
5 out of 5.
February 27, 2023
Disappointing read due to the bitter and whiney nature of the author.
February 11, 2025
A beautiful exploration of some very complex human emotions. I recommended it to a few as soon as I finished, which doesn't happen often!
July 15, 2023
Heartbreaking and striking, the story of a child from two different cultures (Chinese and Dominican) forced into white suburban New England, parented by adults who were immature and took their inability to deal with their own lives out on the author. I resonated deeply with and felt seen by the first half on her childhood and early adulthood and was heartbroken in the second half with her struggle to find her identity and place in the world and her family. Highly recommend the audiobook version.
September 17, 2022
"Sometimes I have to remind myself that my mother may have blended the concrete, but I am the architect.”
Why Didn’t You Tell Me? by Carmen Rita Wong is a stunning, thoughtful journey about what it means to understand oneself and our place in this world; of how all the things orbiting our identity (race, family, career) determine and influence how we see ourselves and the world around us.
Carmen's story begins in Harlem, where she is immediately immersed in the vibrant cultures from both her Dominican mother and her Chinese father’s backgrounds. When her mother eventually remarried to a White man in New Hampshire, it is viewed as a fresh start and the beginning of a white picket fence fantasy. Her identity had always been a bit complicated but the new setting, her new dad (and future siblings) add complication to her understanding of herself. Doubt builds as she grows up looking and feeling different from the rest of her family, leading to a lifelong journey to find an explanation and validation of this feeling.
We follow Carmen into her adult life, making a career for herself as a financial expert, as questions still persist about who she is, where she came from and how she understands herself. It's an exploration of nature vs. nurture, of what we carry with us, what we are and are not able to shed. Life and identity revelations continue throughout her life, showing understanding ourselves is never really over.
Wong is a beautifully gifted writer, and her writing throughout is always incredibly engaging and thoughtful. Immediately, she is a commanding and approachable narrator in the story of her life. At times tender, at times funny, and overall should be an example to future memoir writers on how to tell your story your way.
Her story is fascinating and unbelievable, but given the beating heart her writing provides, we are able to take a few steps in her shoes. Absolutely stellar.
Why Didn’t You Tell Me? by Carmen Rita Wong is a stunning, thoughtful journey about what it means to understand oneself and our place in this world; of how all the things orbiting our identity (race, family, career) determine and influence how we see ourselves and the world around us.
Carmen's story begins in Harlem, where she is immediately immersed in the vibrant cultures from both her Dominican mother and her Chinese father’s backgrounds. When her mother eventually remarried to a White man in New Hampshire, it is viewed as a fresh start and the beginning of a white picket fence fantasy. Her identity had always been a bit complicated but the new setting, her new dad (and future siblings) add complication to her understanding of herself. Doubt builds as she grows up looking and feeling different from the rest of her family, leading to a lifelong journey to find an explanation and validation of this feeling.
We follow Carmen into her adult life, making a career for herself as a financial expert, as questions still persist about who she is, where she came from and how she understands herself. It's an exploration of nature vs. nurture, of what we carry with us, what we are and are not able to shed. Life and identity revelations continue throughout her life, showing understanding ourselves is never really over.
Wong is a beautifully gifted writer, and her writing throughout is always incredibly engaging and thoughtful. Immediately, she is a commanding and approachable narrator in the story of her life. At times tender, at times funny, and overall should be an example to future memoir writers on how to tell your story your way.
Her story is fascinating and unbelievable, but given the beating heart her writing provides, we are able to take a few steps in her shoes. Absolutely stellar.
February 11, 2023
Something this short should not have taken me this long to read, but this was so slow for the first half and then so rushed in the last few chapters.
The author has clearly been through so much and while I feel deeply for her, she clearly has not processed her trauma enough to write a reflective memoir. At times, this felt like a list of disjointed notes / memories that she could bring to a therapy session.
I also have to say that some of the anecdotes shared in the book made me dislike the author as well. Granted, she was young and still learning through many of those experiences, but it also felt like she didn’t take accountability or assumed the rules shouldn’t apply to her in some of these cases:
1. She claims to be a feminist but threw an older women she worked with under the bus in the service of getting her pantsuits okayed by HR, eventually getting that woman fired. Granted, that woman ended up being the one that had initially reported her to HR for wearing pantsuits which didn’t comply with their workplace dress code, but she didn’t know that at the time.
2. She entered higher education with the intent of getting a doctorate in psychology without clearly researching her career choice. When she realized most PhD graduates don’t make a lot of money, she dropped out of the program, yet belittles them and boosts her own ego by writing “granted, had I continued, knowing myself, I would have spun that doctorate into gold like a Jungian striver, but I had zero patience or respect for a system that put you into tremendous debt only to spit you out more broken than ever.” Which is it? Did you drop out because the earning potential wasn’t high enough or did you drop out solely because of the principle of the system of higher education (with the belief that your own earning potential would surpass those of your peers)?
I was left really wishing I had jumped ship at 25% when I was considering it.
The author has clearly been through so much and while I feel deeply for her, she clearly has not processed her trauma enough to write a reflective memoir. At times, this felt like a list of disjointed notes / memories that she could bring to a therapy session.
I also have to say that some of the anecdotes shared in the book made me dislike the author as well. Granted, she was young and still learning through many of those experiences, but it also felt like she didn’t take accountability or assumed the rules shouldn’t apply to her in some of these cases:
1. She claims to be a feminist but threw an older women she worked with under the bus in the service of getting her pantsuits okayed by HR, eventually getting that woman fired. Granted, that woman ended up being the one that had initially reported her to HR for wearing pantsuits which didn’t comply with their workplace dress code, but she didn’t know that at the time.
2. She entered higher education with the intent of getting a doctorate in psychology without clearly researching her career choice. When she realized most PhD graduates don’t make a lot of money, she dropped out of the program, yet belittles them and boosts her own ego by writing “granted, had I continued, knowing myself, I would have spun that doctorate into gold like a Jungian striver, but I had zero patience or respect for a system that put you into tremendous debt only to spit you out more broken than ever.” Which is it? Did you drop out because the earning potential wasn’t high enough or did you drop out solely because of the principle of the system of higher education (with the belief that your own earning potential would surpass those of your peers)?
I was left really wishing I had jumped ship at 25% when I was considering it.
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