Basic Premise
Despite being a student at an international school for magic, Taika does not possess any magic themselves. They are only allowed to study because of their mom, their family. Taika knows they are a disappointment. Even when those around them are silent, the voice in Taika's mind makes sure they never forget
One day Taika realizes something is going wrong in the magical community. Will they be able to step past their pain and prejudices and ask for help? Or will Taika fail and be the reason their whole world falls apart?
Review Notes
Taika is hella depressed and anxious, always carrying around their own rain cloud. When you first start the book it is.a bit ironic, seeing Taika respond to such minor inconveniences as if they were huge personal threats. It comes across as almost laughably untrue when Taika begins to list their "problems." They complain about school lunches, but describe a gourmet meal, even if a bit poorly executed. They complain about their daily existence, yet are totally fine with their one comically suspicious teacher. Time and again we see Taika enter every situation prepared to be miserable, even willing to do it themselves if no one else will oblige them
only, as annoying as Taika is, always imagining the worst, it quickly becomes clear that Taika is sunshine and optimism when compared to the constant sludge of their inner monologue
We repeatedly see their inner voice echo the cries of their critics. "Taika the talentless. Taika the useless" ... giving platform to every anxious and negative thought. Subjected to that constant, negative stream, it makes sense that Taika's ability to make sound judgements would be affected. Being so used to negative voices being the deafening echo of lies, it makes sense that the quiet voice of logical criticism might be misattributed. Or, on the flip side, just as Taika's inner voice is critical of all of their own actions, the voice pushes Taika to mistrust everyone else too
In addition to the every-present anxious thoughts around magic, we also see Taika's insecurities around their recent experiences coming out as nonbinary. Worries about what others think, about how to act, trigger more negative thought spirals.
Taika's anxieties and insecurities are so bad that, even in moments when people are offering kindness and comfort, Taika's inner voice claims it is out of pity or based on lies. It even takes a moment of pride (learning about Taika's own ancestor) and uses that as fuel for shame, scolding themself for not being legendary
As much as Taika's self-hatred can be annoying (and trust me, it can be) I appreciate the author showing how burdensome it can be to the one living it as well. We see Taika carry the burden of action and choose to set it down to appease the anxiety, only to have the anxiety promptly morph into a voice lamenting the new inaction
Ultimately Taika finds themself somewhere they have to act. Will they do the right thing? What if their actions make everything worse?
How do you know what to believe when your own inner voice does nothing but lie to you?
Conclusion
This book brings up solid conversation topics, from how anxiety can lie to us, to how fear of being hurt can cause us to hurt others, and finally, the terrifying uncertainty of living with a brain in which every interaction is translated through the lense of negativity and fear
In this book we see Taika wrestle to find their place in a world with restrictive categories. It can be hard to know who one is when they do not connect with options offered to them, and it can be hard to tell the truth when the world is so much bigger than your own experience