Dear White Woman, Please Come Home: Hand Me Your Bias, and I'll Show You Our Connection

by Kimberlee Yolanda Williams, Debby Irving (Foreword)

Dear White Woman, Please Come Home is Kimberlee Yolanda Williams' invitation to white women longing for authentic friendship with Black and brown women, the kind of friendship with no place for secrets, the kind of relationship where truth-telling is welcome, even when it hurts. The idea for the book was born after attending a workshop that left her shaken and angry. In it, Kimberlee listened as white woman after white woman expressed shock, saying, I didn't know, meaning they didn't understand how this or that comment, custom, behavior, or norm so negatively impacted women of color. How could they not know? she wondered skeptically. Were they lying? Eventually she had an How could white women know what we (Black and brown women) go through if we don't tell them? We've been trained not to tell them. In an attempt to break that cycle, Kimberlee began writing letters about her experiences. In the resulting book - 40 letters to a fictional "missing" white sister - she explores with vulnerability, sorrow, rage, and humor how white women, often despite best intentions, signal to her and other women of color to proceed with caution when in their presence. Based on real events, each letter serves as testimony to the daily insults and avoidances that otherize, invisiblize, and undermine Black and brown women. The letters' story arc, combined with end-of-chapter questions for deep reflection, offer white women insight to the damage done as well as to what it takes to "come home," to be trusted. The question throughout the book lingers until the very last Will Kimberlee find her long lost "sister"? Will she want to "come home"? Be ready to "come home"? The book, Kimberlee's prescription for the historical ailment that continues to divide white women and women of color, also serves as an affirmation for Black and brown women. Historically, women of color's role has been to serve, comfort, protect, coddle, nourish, and elevate white women. Kimberlee's raw storytelling boldly disrupts that pattern, hopefully offering an opening for other women of color to air their own painful truths. Ideal for study groups, Dear White Women, Please Come Home offers a tool for white women and women of color courageous enough to take on a relationship we were designed not to pursue.
Foreword by Debby Irving, racial justice educator and writer, author of New York Times best seller, Waking Up White, and Finding Myself in the Story of Race.

Genres: Nonfiction, Race, Anti Racist

282 pages, Paperback

Published February 2, 2022

Reviews

[Sarah Stevens · Rating 4 out of 5]

I cannot take credit for finding this newly-published book; I have friends far savvier than I, and they picked it for our anti-racism group to read. I have to admit that the font and format weren’t comfortable for me at first, as it is quite different from my usual reading fare. But once I adjusted, I really appreciated how the letters allowed the author to draw the reader into the narrative and get really personal. And that level of intimacy was really critical in conveying the heartbreaking impact of micro-aggressions, the judging and ‘othering’ that happens all of the time to people of color.

The author also does a really great job of breaking her experiences down into very specific situations so that the many issues can be discussed bit by bit, helped along by the questions for the reader included at the end of every letter. I would imagine that this would be a good introductory reading for those who are starting their journey into understanding what racism looks like on an individual level, especially in a group discussion setting. I know I learned a lot about my own assumptions, especially when I would end a letter and feel like I wanted to defend or disagree. With some honest introspection, I invariably would find a flaw in my ‘logic’ or a hole in my empathy that I could then correct and learn from.

There are a LOT of letters, though. The last part of the book seemed to drag and blur a bit, as the disappointment of not finding that sisterly-connection just kept being repeated. But then I realized: that’s the point. The roller-coaster of emotion that comes from trusting, hoping and then being let down over and over again is precisely why this book was written. So that we could understand what it’s like and why after awhile, many POC just give stop trying to forge that connection at all. And so we can learn how to be the ones to reach out and treat that trust as the gift it is.

[Marion · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really interesting and should be required reading for those learning about DEI.

[Shonna Siegers · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the authors candor and ‘search’. She made excellent points that are easily accessible which made it easy to learn and reflect. The writing technique of her letters sometimes didn’t translate her point to me as much but that’s my main criticism.

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much appreciated this compilations of letters offered by Kimberlee Yolanda Williams and can only imagine how difficult it must have been reliving and retelling the many examples of the micro aggressions us White women inflict on a daily basis. I hope that I can repay her by doing my best to take responsibility as a White person and heed her call by watching my actions and inner experiences more closely in my personal attempt to find my way home, home to community with all women and especially to those I have marginalized by my behaviors. Pretty fitting that I completed this on MLK weekend.

[Booked.Shaye BWRT · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the thought process behind this book. Like it’s such a good idea. As a African American woman , who works very closely with Caucasian women , I get it. I enjoy the short stories or examples she gives through out the book. Sometimes it kind of gets repetitive. But honestly that’s the real frustration of this whole issue. Every time you think you got a sis , or friend of the opposite race they do some typical shit that makes you realize ohhh. Okay. Naaaa this ain’t that. It’s a good book yall. Get it & support this woman.

[Dea Ard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I rate so very few books 5 stars and this one is close, and really not a typical book for me. I actually listened to the audiobook read by the author and she sounded sincere. I was teary-eyed more than once. I was surprised at her sincere love for people - love like that is rarely expressed in my world. I feel it but live in my headspace, I guess. I appreciated her suggestions though I still have trouble with people using "foul language."

[Angelika · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. Stylistically, I appreciate the epistolary approach to an ABAR book. The execution made it a slog to read. Overall, I am finishing with some takeaways (get a coach, reconnnect with SURJ, cultivate deeper ABAR conversations with other white folx, determine how I will address more everyday micro-aggressions in the moment, and the definition of microaggressed) that are transformative.

[Stephanie Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really made me consider my responses and reactions towards others. I took my time reading it because I wanted to marinate in each chapter and give it the consideration I needed to learn and grow to be a better friend.

[Leah Pierard · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dear Crybaby, please stay home.

She is very whiny, timid and blaming other women when she should blame herself. The author obviously sees color before seeing the person. The book is depressing and definitely doesn't enlighten.

[Shanelle Calvert · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and new approach in anti-racist literature

[Best Indie Book Award · Rating 5 out of 5]

🏆 2022 BIBA® Non-Fiction: Social Cultural Connections Winner!

[Wendy A. Warren · Rating 5 out of 5]

A compassionate, beckoning letter to white women, inviting us to be our better selves.

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

The letter format made it easily digestible yet the premise was quite a bit odd. I couldn't really sink into it. I also believe it was written for people who are quite a bit less aware of racism than I am. That said, I still got a lot out of it, mostly because of the realness of the writing and the stories. Thank you, Kimberlee, for reaching out to us.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked the way this book was written as well as the reflection questions at the end of each letter. I found myself taking notes and thinking of all the times I have seen, or participated in, and did not speak up. I highly recommend it!

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the format of letters to a lost white sister and the authors constant search for the support of and understanding from a white woman (an ideal she searched for and never found).