How to Be a Calm Parent: Lose the guilt, control your anger and tame the stress - for more peaceful and enjoyable parenting and calmer, happier children too

by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

An indispensable guide to more peaceful and enjoyable parenting'This isn't a parenting advice book, it's a book about you. The words you read in this book, however, will have a far greater impact on your children, than those contained in any parenting book you could read (and I count my own in that too).'How many times have you asked yourself 'what's wrong with me? Why can't I stay calm?'. So many of us would love to follow a gentler, more positive style of parenting, but we don't think we're cut out for it, because we aren't naturally calm. We feel that there is something wrong with us, that we're not good enough. We believe we are failing our children by not controlling our own emotions adequately.What we don't realise is that this describes almost every parent there ever was - and ever will be.In her trademark gentle, supportive and reassuring style, bestselling author Sarah Ockwell-Smith shows that while we all lose it at times, everyone can become a calmer parent. Based on her many years' experience working with parents, Sarah provides research, advice and practical exercises that will set you on the path to calmer parenting that will benefit both you and your child.Covering everything from the impact of your own upbringing on your parenting style to work and home life balance and letting go of the quest for perfection to ensuring your own basic needs are met, How to Be a Calm Parent is for any parent who knows that they need to be calmer to raise well adjusted, happy children, but struggles with their own emotions and stress levels.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2022

About the author

Born in Bedfordshire, England in 1976, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a mother of four school aged children, three boys and one girl.

After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.

Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.

Reviews

[Haniva Zahra · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW. Buku ini sangat baik untuk dibaca bagi siapapun yang berniat menjadi orang tua. Saya senang karena buku ini mengajak kita untuk memiliki motivasi menjadi orang tua yang lebih baik, namun jauhi kesempurnaan (karena itu mustahil). Jadilah orang tua yang cukup baik. Cukup baik bukan alasan tidak mau belajar, namun cukup baik karena senantiasa belajar, namun juga memahami bahwa manusia pada dasarnya tidak sempurna. Buku ini mengajak pembaca untuk banyak melakukan refleksi tentang luka-luka dalam pengasuhan (pendekatan psikoanalisis lumayan berperan disini, mengingat penulis cenderung dengan pendekatan yang mengarah pada humanisme atau kognitif?). Selain itu, ada juga tips-tips (yeay khas penulis) yang praktikal tentang bagaimana kita menyadari akar dari amarah yang tidak mudah dikontrol. Buku yang menjelaskan banyak hal secara umum teori-teori dalam ilmu psikologi terkait dengan diri sendiri ketika menangani tekanan dalam kehidupan. Sekali lagi saya diingatkan, bahwa menjadi orang tua memang pekerjaan seumur hidup tanpa jeda dan banyak sekali tuntutan. Ini semacam perjalanan satu arah, namun begitulah hidup. Meski tidak mudah, manusia diberi akal sehat untuk terus beradaptasi dengan tantangan. Buku yang WAJIB, WAJIB, WAJIB dibaca bagi yang bercita-cita menjadi orang tua yang cukup baik.

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical and uplifting, a really important read for every parent. As always, Sarah Ockwell-Smith manages to connect with each and every one of us and offer us her knowledge in order to help us all in our parenthood journey. Thank you!

[Yvette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This compassionate, insightful guide helps parents understand and soothe their own emotional responses and triggers. It offers practical tools for becoming a calmer, more regulated parent, while exploring topics like stress, childhood wounds, self-care, and realistic expectations — all rooted in a gentle, connection-based framework. By addressing the parent’s own healing and growth, it empowers families to move toward more peaceful, connected relationships.

Why It’s Included:
We believe calm parenting begins with self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to grow — not striving for perfection. This book supports parents in modeling emotional regulation, breaking generational cycles, and creating a home environment built on trust and understanding. It’s a deeply supportive resource that aligns beautifully with our values of gentle, responsive parenting.

Who It’s For:
A powerful and reassuring read for all parents, especially those who feel overwhelmed, easily triggered, or stuck in reactive patterns. Also valuable for therapists, parent coaches, and anyone supporting families through emotionally challenging or transitional seasons.

“I love how this book gently reminds us that calm parenting isn’t about always being serene — it’s about learning to pause, repair, and reconnect with both ourselves and our children. It invites us to meet our own imperfections with grace, so we can show up more fully and kindly for our families. This book feels like a warm, steady companion on the lifelong journey of parenting.”
— Yvette O'Dowd

[Oana Neag · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cartea mi-a plăcut încă de la primele pagini. Am știut ca va fi o carte pe care să o citesc cu nesaț încă de la, citez: “Ghidurile de parenting cu adevărat bune nu te învață ce să-i spui copilului, ci cum sã te descoperi pe tine, cum să-fi infrunti demonii, cum să te asiguri că nu-i transmiti mai departe copilului tău.” Cred că asta căutăm noi părinții, să fim oameni de calitate, si prin asta sa influențăm viețile copiilor noștri în bine.
Plină cu exemple relevante din viața de zi cu zi, această carte ne oferă nouă, parintilor, validare. Nu suntem singuri. Nu suntem neînțeleși. Nu suntem o cauză pierdută. Parenting-ul de instagram e o himeră, iar noi ne descurcăm mai bine decât credem.
Traducerea este foarte bună, naturală. Cat contează o traducere de calitate!

[Gia⁷ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book so much. We’re sometimes told that, indeed, every time we lose our cool, it’s a generational problem. “Have a breathing technique,” “Time out,” etc. But this book is not about that. This book explains to us the root problem, and it helps me so much to change my beliefs, to be more realistic and kind to myself.

One chapter that spoke very loudly to me was the one about perfectionism. I have tendencies to be busy all the time, get everything check-listed, pay attention to detail, and be super perfectionist. This book made me realize that we need to stop aiming to have it all, that being a perfectionist is actually really damaging. I will definitely come back to this book again.

[Charlotte Board · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed listening to this on audiobook. It’s more of a self help book than a parenting book and if I knew then what I know now this would been the first parenting book I ever read! It makes so much sense and really helps you to look inward when it comes to parenting rather than change your parenting style/ blame circumstance or even your children.

Would recommend to all parents, no matter what stage you’re at.

[Karey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I took my time reading this book to make sure I took in as much as possible. As always her advice is practical and so helpful. Everything she says just makes sense to me. This would be a great present for any expecting couple

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Changed my life! Definitely learned why I react the way I do. Amazing tips and information.

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

The sections most illuminating (for me) centered in chapters 1 and 2, with the underlying emphasis on anger as a complex and many-layered emotion. The four-part description of various types of anger were helpful: assertive, passive-aggressive, suppressive, and repressive. It’s amazing how anger either emerges in a shadow form, or tries to explode on the scene without revealing its true character.

Overall, there were as many points of agreement as disagreement. While I’d agree that it’s quite possible to get angry out of fear for the child’s safety or future health, I’d disagree that this is the central motivator. There was very little discussion on the topic of anger tied to justice or violations of truth, which happens just as much with children as with adults. There’s also the missing envy factor (‘I didn’t get my needs met as a child, so why should you’) in addition to very real control issues (planning every contingency may add to anxiety without offering any peace).

There was no nuance offered regarding the blanket statements about corporal punishment, and a strong implication that “some cultures” who offer this an option are backwards or undeveloped. I’d probably agree with the author that any corporal punishment should be of short duration (using it continually is an encouragement toward abuse) but I fail to see why this hotly contested topic would get a paragraph, while the child’s variable feelings receives entire chapters. People receive instruction in more ways than just getting their emotional needs met. Also, it did not explore the contempt of a child regarding a parent lacking self-control, who either spoils or uses excess of corporal punishment due to a lack of resilience in problem-solving.

Some assertions made just seemed a little silly, like ‘screen time is bad for child development but you may have no choice’. The choice just might be highly uncomfortable, but since screens weren’t developed for home use until the last century….this seems a first-world-only assertion. However, I’d fully agree that the American diet is SAD (in more ways that one) and that exploring acts of resistance to popular cultural norms would include diet change and a pause before response.

My least favorite part was the Nietzsche quote about the function of love within a family. He never married, had no children, and wrote philosophy affirming the naked use of force as a means of self-actualization. I fail to see why he would be quotable in a book about parenting. But it sounded nice.

I received a free copy of this book, which did not influence my review.

[Jarmo Larsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although I’ve read a couple of books on anger before, none have focused on how it relates specifically to parenting. "How To Be A Calm Parent" is an engaging and accessible read, offering many helpful insights on how to get to the root of what triggers anger toward our children. Some parents, of course, struggle more with outbursts than others, while some seem better equipped to stay calm. A lot of it stems from our own upbringing, but also from unresolved issues in life that may need attention in order to become a calmer parent.

The author doesn’t claim to have all the answers or present herself as a perfect role model. Instead, she shares practical advice and personal experiences that have helped her — and I believe they can help others too.

One topic she highlights is the importance of sleep, which I especially appreciated as a health enthusiast and what you might call a biohacker. She discusses the role of light in regulating sleep — how exposure to natural daylight can improve sleep quality, and how blue-light blockers in the evening can help you fall asleep faster and rest more deeply. Beyond that, she offers a variety of general but useful tips — especially relevant for busy parents caught up in the chaos of everyday life.

The book also addresses how easy it is for parents to compare themselves to others, and how that can become a stumbling block that fuels frustration or anger. The polished image many parents project often doesn’t reflect reality, which can make us feel inadequate or like we’re falling short.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of books that require you to complete lots of exercises when you just want to sit down and read. That said, the practical tasks in this book are definitely worth including in your journey toward becoming a calmer parent.

I truly believe this is a book all parents should read — whether you tend to be calm by nature or are more hot-tempered. It offers plenty of thoughtful advice and practical approaches to help you bring more peace into your parenting in an often hectic world.

If you’re not up for reading a full book on the topic but still want some variation in your parenting toolbox, I’d also recommend Sal Severe's "How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!", which I read alongside this one. It touches on some of the same issues around anger, though not in as much depth as Sarah does here.

[Andina Augustiani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sarah Ockwell-Smith not only do give the tips and trick for us to be a calmer parents, but much more than that, looking for the root cause of what makes us the way we are today. The more I read, the more I acknowledge that this book isn’t about parenting, but rather than that, it’s about how to overcome adulthood, life in general and how to improve ourselves to be the best version of us.

One of the most important thing Sarah explain on this book is that it’s ok to make mistake as an adult, as a parents, because what’s more important is how we repair things afterwards instead of feeling guilty.

And as always, being calm is back to the basic: having a good sleep hygiene, living mindfully, nurturing good nutrition for us, exercise, having good relationships with those around us and self-kindness/ compassion.

Everyone who wants to be a parent or not should read this book, because it’s that good and beautifully written.

[Karen Hackney · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK so I found this book really insightful and relatable. I don't usually do self help books. Not out of snobbery but I've always thought what could a stranger say that I could use in my life and to help me. Due to me struggling alot more with my mental health and feeling guilty about how I'm parenting my kids I thought why not give it ago. I used my audible credit so no big loss if it's rubbish. I'm shocked to say I was wrong. I found the author and her topics very relatable and it not being a case of them telling me how to parent perfectly but how I could reflect on myself and how I can try to do better and that the effort I put into trying to be a better parent is enough. Genuinely a very good listen.

[AJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Biggest message I pulled from this was don't be too hard on yourself. Specifically - without 'the village', the demands placed on parents today (especially working parents) is not easily achievable (if at all). It's hard to fulfil your job as a parent and as an employee well and be proud of your performance in each. While plenty of this pressure comes from current cultural norms, acknowledge that some of it also comes from yourself and your expectations to meet your own standards. Check yourself to see if those standards are really based on reality. If you're reading this book, your experience to date might very well indicate you're expecting too much of yourself.

[Charlotte Gardner · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5* - ok. Some reassuring pieces of advice; especially “We only need to be ‘good enough’ and get it right 50% of the time to raise emotionally healthy, well-attached children” and “It’s not your fault that you aren’t a calm parent. We are who we are due to the way we were raised, the situations we find ourselves in and the relationships we have with others. Don’t think ‘what’s wrong with me?’ Instead see yourself as a combination of the things that have happened to you and the environment you are in - you are not flawed.” ☺️

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprisingly helpful

Provides many ideas/exercises to help. More than meditate, nature, or breathe techniques to calm. Doesn't make you feel like a crap parent like other parenting books. Not a judgmental/self-entitled author like others I've read. Down-to-earth and realistic. I appreciate this authors perspective, knowledge, and honestly trying to provide us parents true help.

[Lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very uplifting parenting book which I think all parents who are trying to break the generational curse & follow a more gentle parenting aspect should read.

This is a book that I will reread over and over to go back to as it’s important to understand our own childhoods impact the way we parent.

Do we want to parent the way we were parented or not?!

Sarah is a PHENOMENAL author & her other books are just as important with great information!

[Lisa Clague · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author has supported me through different stages of my parenting journey. This book was challenging at times, and really helped me reflect on how your own upbringing can influence your reactions and responses to your child. I always recommend Sarah to friends with children and will continue to do so.

[Anna Villanueva · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a lot of good information. It explains things in depth and I really like how the author added in some strategies at the end of each chapter. I struggle with perfectionism and guilt as a parent, and this book helped me see those things in a new way. It was a quick read for me and it was easy to follow.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much better than I expected, although more for my wife than me, as I am a much calmer parent, but a lot of good coping mechanisms and truths to help through the mess that parenting is and can be. Some chapters are spot on, other a bit less so - but in the total this is a very good parenting book, making me want to read some more of the author's writing.

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read and so helpful - even though I’ve also read two other books by the same author (‘Between’ and ‘The Gentle Discipline Book). Totally recommend this book to all parents. It has already had a positive impact on our family life and my own approach to it. Thank you, thank you Sarah!

[Puput · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very practical and relatable read for parents who aspire to be calm!
Full review on my blog https://bookabookooid.wordpress.com/2...

[Jenny Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this last year and didn’t get very far with it, but felt like restarting it recently, as it seemed more relevant to how I felt at the time. It’s got lots of interesting tips and looks at the background of why we might lose our calm, and what we can do about it. A useful read.

[Laura Aston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Genuinely grateful for this book. I'd sum up its approach to becoming a calm parent by Sarah's use of the term 'self-kindness' over self care. I found the list of tendencies and their childhood corollaries, and mental load checklist, very useful.

[CrankyFrankie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book to purchase and refer back to. I like how it delves into strategy to regulate yourself and your own emotions which in turn helps children to feel more calm. Interestingly enough I wasn’t aware of the reason behind my triggers before this book!
10 out of 10 recommend!!

[Heeru · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I apply a 80/20 principle on this one… apply just 20%, I will be a ‘calm enough’ parent 😌

[Ruja · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was ok but nothing new if you've read other SOS books and are into the theory anyway

[Fiona Parchimowicz · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title is a bit 🙄🙄 but the advice is really lovely - nothing earth shattering but a really nice overview with important and realistic reminders.

[Keenan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really helpful sections. A bit simplistic but I'm glad I read it

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely brilliant 🙌🏼

[Safitri Arum Nurlita · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the new insights that I got from this book, it really helps me to frame a big picture of a calm parent before I have my child on my own.