The Myth Of The Perfect Mother: Rethinking The Spirituality Of Women

by Carla Barnhill

The church places many expectations on modern Christian women, especially when it comes to motherhood. Often women are discouraged and frustrated, feeling they can never measure up. Carla Barnhill asserts in The Myth of the Perfect Mother that much of what we understand to be God's ideal is actually based on secular culture. Barnhill addresses several issues mothers struggle with, including homeschooling, spanking, working vs. staying at home, depression, and social isolation, and offers a positive view of motherhood based on biblical principles. The Myth of the Perfect Mother provides encouragement for women who face the realities of motherhood and need to be reminded that their ultimate worth lies in their relationship with God. It also provides valuable insight for pastors and counselors who minister to women and families.

Genres: Parenting, Womens

190 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Angie · Rating 4 out of 5]

THis book far surpassed my expectations. I thought it would be a fluffy, satirical piece about how you're not alone, every mom loses it, etc. It was a well thought-out, deep analysis of the ways that Christianity has set moms up for failure with this "cult of the family" focus that implies you are not complete without becoming a motherhood, and that also implies that you are responsible for your children's physical, emotional, spiritual, social, mental, and academic well-being and if they fail at any of those you probably weren't doing your job as a mom.

THe author is an editor for a CHristian magazine and so this is NOT anti-Christianity at all. Just an honest look, which I appreciate it. She refers to her work as "crabby" at the end but says maybe it is time for a crabby discussion about how things have gone in society and in church until now.

2 more thoughts: 1) she wrote this book because of ANdrea Yates, and thinking through how things might have gone differently if this, if that, etc.....very thought provoking, and 2) the biggest take home point of the book - for me - was that God created all of us and we are all sinners and flawed people. Does that make him a bad parent? No. Why not apply the same logic to yourself as a parent?

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely didn't agree with everything the author said (particularly regarding gender roles, or in her view, the lack thereof), but she starts a GREAT and much-needed conversation about how the church should view women and help women. Here are some of the points she makes:

* It's time women in the church stopped beating each other up over whether we work outside the home or not. The Bible does not actually address this specific issue, and the stay-at-home mom with lots of leisure time for her children is actually a modern, secular construct and not a specific picture in the Bible.
* It's time we stopped judging each other (and ourselves) by our children's behavior or how our children turn out. Such a view shows that in our hearts, we think WE are the primary (or perhaps even the sole) determinants of who our children become; thus, we do not acknowledge the work of the Holy Spirit in the lives of our children. Also, good parents sometimes have kids with problems, and it's time the church loved and helped those people instead of condemning them.
* It's time we acknowledged that being a mom is HARD and there are days when we don't like it! We need to stop posing as women who have it all together and are perfect parents. We need to support each other.
* By focusing all our efforts as moms on "the cult of the family," we neglect the Great Commission and our responsibility to have a role for Christ in the larger world.

I could go on and on. Those are just a few of the very good points in the book. I hasten to add that I love the women in my church (and in my previous churches) and do not think those women have been beating each other up. But I see these problems in the books and articles that are available for Christian parents. And I have been guilty of judging myself against other parents in the churches I've belonged to -- I must be a bad mom because my kids don't behave as well as other kids, I must be a bad mom because I yell at my kids and other moms are so patient, etc. I really resonated with much of this book. The author is probably overly irritated at times, but on the whole, I really thought this was worthwhile as a conversation-starter. The book has also encouraged me to start praying about how the Lord might use me and what I might be able to give to the larger Kingdom now that my kids are in full-day school. And it has made me excited to realize that maybe there is some other way I can serve the Kingdom! Our covenant children are important, but they are idols if they are the end-all be-all of our lives.

[Catherine Gillespie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I disagreed on certain points and emphases of Carla Barnhill’s book The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Rethinking the Spirituality of Women, overall I think she made some strong points that are often overlooked by Christian women.

I thought the strongest point in the book is Barnhill’s identification of the “shiny happy mommies” problem affecting the church. Because we feel like our worth or our faith are validated by having perfect families, it’s exceedingly difficult to be honest and vulnerable with other women, which keeps us from deep relationships and tempts us to make an idol of motherhood.
...
The book asserts that there is no perfect model for motherhood. It is a relationship not a job. As such, perfect children are not your success metric. Families are not an end in themselves. We should not look to motherhood to complete us or to validate who we are spiritually. Our families are a means of bringing about the kingdom of God, not the kingdom of us.

Another particular strength of the book is Barnhill’s exhortation to churches to really examine the ways they minister to women. Not all women are mothers, not all women are stay-at-home moms. Our “shiny happy mommy” facade does not attract people to Christ, and it makes it nearly impossible for us to minister to women who are in physical or emotional crisis. If you are involved in women’s ministry I think you would do well to think about those things, whether or not you read the book.

At times I thought the tone of the book was a little aggrieved, although I think perhaps it was necessary to offer the “snap out of it” effect.
...
{Read my complete review on A Spirited Mind}

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the best books I read all year. Barnhill writes about mothering as a spiritual practice that invites us to grow in our relationship with God as we grow in our relationships with our children. As we practice the virtues of love, patience, kindness, humility, etc. with our children, we are strengthened to use those virtues in other areas of life as well. It was incredibly encouraging in this respect.

Barnhill also addresses the idolatry that Christians easily slip into, justifying "serving our families" to the exclusion of serving other people. She writes about the need for mothers to have other interests outside of parenting, and encourages us to remain open to other callings that God has for us - some of us should preserve our sanity by working for pay outside the home, some should pursue volunteer work, some should challenge ourselves to reach out to kids other than our own, etc. She also addresses our tendency to want to shelter our children from all harm, and to believe that their faith depends entirely on our doing the "right" things.

I read this with a group of moms, and it generated some wonderful discussion. It's out of print, but still find-able.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

here's a summary of the blurb on the back cover: "our christian culture tells us that the good mother is always loving, always patient, and always happy. Her house is clean. Her children are obedient. her husband is happy. who are we kidding? real motherhood is about scheduling your day around your children, getting up too early (amen!), and sometimes struggling to find enough time to take a shower. Too often the church presents ideals of motherhood that are slightly unrealistic. mothers are told that their sole worth is established by their role as a mom. and as a result, they put so much effort into raising and praising their kids that they forget who they really are. the author, carla barnhill, presents a positive biblical model and shows us how to dismiss these cultural ideals of perfection and reminds us that our ultimate worth lies not in motherhood but in your relationship with God." this is something that i know many women struggle with and i'd really love to think through the book with others and discuss.

[Dr. Dena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciated the author's emphasis on spiritual formation and living by a calling as a credo for the Christian life. She observes where the Western Church has diverged from this emphasis where women, especially mothers, are concerned. Namely, she calls attention to the "cult of family" that the Church overemphasizes in its programming, potentially leaving women of all walks to feel in a "constant state of incompleteness," whether they're single, married, or with children. She feels the church has unwittingly capitalized on the "mother wars" by preferring stay at home moms and engendering guilt in working moms, _or_ perhaps unknowingly perpetuating / spiritualizing the belief that stay at home moms' role is solely to serve their family. The author promotes a vocational view of the Christian gospel and challenges the church to revisit its paradigm on motherhood, womanhood, and family life and correct where necessary.

[Mary Saou · Rating 3 out of 5]

Barnhill's commitment to address the much-needed issue of expectations placed on Christian mothers is laudable. She does indeed stir up points to spark conversations that the church is less inclined to have. However, her tone and follow-through didn't do it for me. That is probably a matter of personal preference-- I don't have tangible points to say "she should have done this" or "this was lacking." It's hard to find a book on motherhood I can identify with, as there are thousands of ways to talk about it (and millions of ways to do it).

[Raven · Rating 1 out of 5]

There were many times I wanted to throw this book across the room. At the time I thought the author was way off base with some of her statements. Especially about it being wrong to home school your kids or send them to private school because we're supposed to be "the light of the world". Our children are not "missionaries" to their schools. They're KIDS! I would have to read the book again to remember any more specifics, it's been a while, I don't remember really liking any of it though.

[Gwen]

I am currently reading this book and I have to tell you after the first chapter, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. FINALLY a book about being a godly mom that isn't heaped with condemnation and the idea of perfection as achieved by 1,2, and 3. This is going to be a great read and I am THRILLED that I found it!

[Julie Verner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ms. Barnhill writes about our experiences as mothers, striving for perfection, and how we spiritually define what we do. It is a faith-based read that explores the negative impact of the myth of the perfect Christian mom. She advocates that we consider redefining what it means to be a Christian mother.

[Lisa Topp · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title says a lot about the theme of this book. I'd have to look at it again to comment more.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insight. The author challenges one's thinking of how we and the Church view motherhood.

[Melissa (Always Behind) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thought provoking, but kind of short on practical solutions.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book hit a nerve with me--really loved it.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

thought-provoking; great book for discussion.

[Alisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was really good to read before i had my son.