Untangled: Walking the Eightfold Path to Clarity, Courage, and Compassion

by Koshin Paley Ellison

Though we are seemingly more connected to our world than ever before, many of us cannot ignore a nagging sense of loneliness and isolation. To keep this anxiety and discontentment at bay, we can search for connection through unhealthy distractions, believing these will bring us true nourishment. And yet, loneliness is on the rise, exacting detrimental effects on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. Even those of us who have succeeded in the ways that society applauds, often feel unanchored, disengaged, and purposeless. If true pleasure is what we desire, how do we look past the surface, to discover a life filled with meaningful connection and genuine relationships?

Untangled  is a welcoming guidebook to finding expansive ease and true joy through what is traditionally called the eightfold path, one of Buddhism’s foundational teachings. Psychotherapist and Zen teacher Koshin Paley Ellison compassionately walks readers down these eight roads, leading them on a path of transformation and to experience true joy. Combining teachings from both Eastern and Western wisdom traditions, Paley Ellison equips readers with the tools needed to untangle our tangles and make profound change, inside and out. Infused with Paley Ellison’s own anecdotes of his life as a young gay kid facing abuse and discrimination, this approachable guide will help you transform your ever day interactions, your most intimate relationships and offers a path for social healing. It is an ancient cure that’s up to the challenge of healing the modern dysfunction of our times.

Genres: Buddhism, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Self Help, Religion, Zen, Philosophy

256 pages, Hardcover

Published November 8, 2022

Reviews

[Michael]

I heard the author on the Being Well Podcast last week, and I was captivated by his gentle voice. He spoke about his tradition of Soto Zen Buddhism, and his work with dying people at the New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care. Very compelling, and very calming. Having recently (re)decided to go a bit deeper into Buddhism, I grabbed his book and read it this week.

I have read a lot about Buddhism, and having practiced meditation for nine years or so (off and on; mostly on for the past year), I knew a lot of the basics Mr. Ellison was describing: the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, etc. I very much appreciated the author's use of Zen stories and fairy tales (he is a Jungian therapist, I think), so it made for an engaging read. The author experienced trauma as a child, and a big part of the untangling he does (as do so many of us) is trying to illuminate why we do the things we do, and how those things are driven by what's been done to us. The great take away for me is, you are doing you, right now. You choose how you want to be. You can get better. You have Buddha nature. You have the dharma to guide you and encourage you. We live in a world of delusions. Dismiss them. Own your shit. Be kind to yourself.

The thing about Buddhism is, it sounds simple. It's not. It is wayfucking profound, and it has helped me become better at...everything. The Great Physician indeed.

So: good book. Very nice man. Interesting insights. Me like. I wish I had a sangha to practice with.

[Chris Correia]

As I spiritual person, specifically a Christian, I found this to be essential reading. It helped bring even many aspects of my Christian faith and spirituality into more full understanding, and offered new perspectives and insights for reflection and living. Ellison writes/speaks so authentically, lovingly, with acceptance, understanding, compassion. I listened to the audio book and then purchased a print copy to re-read and consider in new ways.

[Abigail Dosen]

Loved. I already need to re-read with a pen in hand and a journal by my side. This is exactly what I was looking for the past few months(years?).

[Dawn Woodward]

I had read articles here and there by Koshin and really enjoyed them, so when I heard an interview with him for this book, which turned up on my desk for processing at the library where I work that same day... well, I knew I had to read it. It was a little while before I could check it out, but it came back into my hands at check in at just the right time (mid-December holiday stress plus family and friends dealing with a lot of things).
This book is a perfect first look into Buddhism/Buddhist psychology/Zen as well as well read, seasoned practitioners. Koshin's take on the Eightfold Path is both totally relatable, readable, even humorous, as well as scholarly. Unlike most books on Zen, the focus here is not on meditation. In fact he doesn't write about sitting practice in any detail until the end of the book, which I think helps put the practice of zazen in context really well.
Koshin is warm, real (you will find some curse words in here, and I can't tell you how wonderful that was for me) and extremely knowledgeable. His take on Zen is unlike much of what I've read, it's far less esoteric and brain twisting, but set in a context that I could wrap both my head and my heart around. I will definitely be purchasing a copy of it for my home library.

[Cheryl]

This is a delight. To walk with Koshin for a few miles on the path was enlightening. lol. Koshin is gentle, open and selflessly honest. By sharing their own journey as well as some of their students while teaching us about suffering, the causes and conditions of suffering, and the path to not suffering, Koshin models the grandmotherly attitude they recommend we strive towards as we walk on our path. A joyful book to spend a little of one’s life with.

[Jen (bookscoffeedogs)]

AWESOME book. Underlined and bookmarked so much to come back to time and time again. I have read multiple books on Buddhist practices, and never feel like, “Ok I’m done, I don’t have to read those anymore.” Because well, that day will never come, so this was a fantastic addition, reminder, way to practice as I read; gentle and humorous too.

[Valerie]

One of the best books I have read on Buddhist philosophy and practices. The author weaves his personal experiences into discussions of challenging Buddhist perspectives, such as non-self and emptiness. He offers useful guidance on expanding one’s practice.

[Mike Fazio]

Very enjoyable and great wisdom throughout. Particularly the end. Definitely worth a reread. But simple. And sometimes simple is all you need.

[Mskychick]

Fav quotes:

We are not in charge of how quickly our thoughts change- sometimes it’s fast, and sometimes it’s slow- but we are responsible for questioning them.
Pg 70

Reflection:
Think back on your earlier life and the way you understood yourself and others. See if you can call to mind how your understanding has evolved. Open yourself to the realization that the way you understand yourself and others now is also likely to change. Embrace this as a walk into an ever more expansive and refined understanding, with no end in sight.
Widening out is a place of practice.
pg 97

Reflection:
The next time you feel you have been treated unfairly, take a moment to yourself and breathe into your belly until it softens. Shift your perspective from what is happening to you to what you are bringing to the table yourself. What are you focusing your attention on? Are you focusing on the details of what happened with a sense of grievance or anger? Ask yourself if any of the ways you are attending and talking to yourself are causing suffering. If the answer if yes, ask yourself, "Is that really needed?" If it isn't, let it go. Make room for a response that is about positive change, not payback or just venting frustration.
Attention is a place of practice.
pg 114
.
.
.

[Alicia]

I will absolutely reread this book once every few months.

Truly. Read it.

[Amy]

What I really liked about this book is that it is a cross between theory and practice. The author explains a particular idea and then gives an example of what that might be like in day-to-day life.

[Michelle Pink]

Koshin Paley Ellison brings the Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path into daily life. This thoroughly contemporary presentation of Buddhist wisdom uses sources as diverse as the Buddha and Dogen and Cinderella and Einstein and Star Wars and the author’s grandmother. While speaking the language of the people. Each teaching ends with a reflection where we are invited to practice.

Soften and know that bodies are brilliant and amazing and vulnerable and temporary.

The first noble truth is suffering. The second is that suffering has a cause. The third, the truth of nirvana - blowing out a painful fire; a liberation of awareness - is that we can change. Fires may be burning, but we are not consumed by them. The fourth noble truth is that of the path, falling down and getting back up again.

The eightfold path includes perspective, speech, action, work, effort, attention, seated meditation, and Samadhi liberation. All while maintaining mystery.

Let go of the giants of greed, anger, delusion, and separateness in order to develop each of these steps of nobility so we can sit still.

The author tells lots of stories throughout the book. I looked forward to these. He shares many personal stories of his journey and historic stories of wisdom as well. He talks of a peace rally he attended that was filled with violence. He reminds us that extreme beliefs on either side are good for no one.

The middle way.

My favorite story in the book: “Two monks are traveling along a road. They see a young woman trying to cross a stream, and one of them offers to carry her across. Afterward, one of the monks criticized his companion for having touched a woman. The monk explains why he did so - out of compassion - yet a few days later, the monk brings it up again. His companion says, I put her down days ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is located between Hawaii and California. It is estimated to contain 1.8 trillion plastic pieces totaling eighty thousand tons, the weight of five hundred jumbo jets. We are aware of this, yet we still use plastic. The plastic patch embodies all of our intentions, our skewed intentions personified. A reflection here is to bring awareness to the harm we are causing and make a change. Tenderness with our responsibility is a place of practice.

Another thought-provoking concept is that hope is the twin of fear. Hope is a wish for something different that takes away our own agency. Hope is not action. It can prevent action and weaken us. Hope is not a strategy. “Freedom can look like acting because it is attuned to our values and wisdom, not for the sake of getting it right. Either way, hope has nothing to do with it.”

“The reason we don’t want certain feelings is because we over-identify with them. We think that having certain feelings makes us a certain kind of person: an angry one, a weak one, a bad one, a failure.” I have always identified with being a happy person. I love it, but there is a lot of pressure in it. I am now a person who experiences a lot of happiness. Now, I get to have other feelings and allow them to pass on through.

“We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

My favorite quote and one I had the honor of reading with my daughter: “We are not in charge of how quickly our thoughts change - sometimes it’s fast and sometimes it’s slow - but we are responsible for questioning them. That’s how things begin to shift, and the opportunity to pivot arrives.”

Sitting in shikantaza, we are not trying to achieve something. We are trying to restore wonder.

Untangled is a great read full of insight and thought-provoking questions to guide our meditations, our thoughts, and how we treat ourselves and others for more enlightened days while looking forward to the mysteries and adventures of a life of continued practice. 4.49 stars

[Travis Sherman]

A few takeaways from this nice book written by an American Zen Buddhist who is also a trained therapist. One is from the title, untangling as a method of emotional problem solving. Something happens, we have an unpleasant emotional reaction, and that reaction may be based on a variety of different threads based on different experiences, different triggers. Part of working through such a complex reaction is untangling those threads and looking at them individually, evaluating and solving them individually. I may be angry because no one did the dishes. What's the real cause of my anger? That no one ever does the dishes or that a particular person I have expectations of didn't do the dishes? What is the importance of having the dishes done when I think they should be done, and is that expectation realistic? Etc.

Another takeaway was his story about the two Buddhist monks on a journey. One of them saw a woman trying to cross a river too difficult for her. He offered to carry her across, did so, and returned to his companion. The companion was very angry with him. He had just broken his vow never to touch a woman. He explained to the companion that he was acting out of compassion. Several days later, they met with their superior, and the companion told on him. "I set that woman down days ago," the monk pointed out. "Why are you still carrying her?" And I realized how many such thoughts I carry, so pointlessly.

[Hsandlin]

Enjoyable read from the perspective of a zen teacher who grew up in the United States. A lot of emphasis on aspects of life as being “a place of practice” with a description and example of what that means. I do think this is very much targeted at western people who are not buddhist, such as myself, since it gives advice from the dharma but doesn’t actually bring up any religious aspect of the Buddha’s teachings. It is an easy read and pleasant, personally not too much stood out to me that I’ll keep with me. If you just like having these sort of books in rotation I would suggest it but if you only want to dip your toes in maybe there are better options.

[Deborah Bosner]

I've read several books that discuss Zen Buddhism, but I found this one to be the most readable and most accessible. Thought-provoking read whether you are familiar with Buddhism or completely new to it. While it gives a bit of instruction on the practice of meditation, it is primarily focused on the why of the eightfold path, through ancient Buddhist stories (kona) and the author's real life experiences in the world. I borrowed it from the library but plan on buying it because I would like to have it in my collection.

[Hini Zini]

So wonderfully insightful. Koshin does a beautiful job of sharing and writing from his heart. He takes us on journeys from his own life as a monk and human being maximizing joy and managing suffering, the common human condition. This book is easy to follow and so enjoyable, I learn so many Buddhist truths through Koshin’s books that frankly apply to anyone, im not Buddhist or religious myself. If you’re looking for a book to inspire you to live a more heart centered life, this is the one!

[Charles Reed]

72%

It's a nice piece of work, he practices thoughtful expression and Compares ways put the art and actions and practices of Zen into daily life experiences into contemplation.

I don't fully agree with the art of zenism and his teachings are a bit more judgmental even though he does attempt to correct that, he seems like a nice person this is a good book it's a good outline of sinism without digging too deeply into it.

[Diana]

I’ve just started listening to the audio version of this book and have only reached the third chapter, but I am moved more than I could have imagined. This is such an incredibly beautiful book that I want to savor. I would love for all of his wisdom and all of the lessons he shares to seep into me. This book is a gift that I wish everyone could have.

[Vince]

I'm still waiting for the perfect book on the Eightfold Path. This one fell flat for me. I found it loose and unfocused, offering a seemingly endless list of potential practices, without capturing the clarity and precision of the Buddhist path. I prefer Bhante Gunaratana's Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness (which, admittedly, is less colloquial and self-deprecating).

[Zan]

This may be a truly incredible and helpful book. However, I wasn't in the right mindspace to absorb the lessons. Lots of personal stories, which is fine, but it seemed it was primarily geared on meditation for various aspects of your life. I admit to skimming quite a bit, so there is probably more depth than I gleaned from my quick perusal.

[Steven]

Very frustrating book. A book about the eight fold path should hit something of it before page 100 of a 200 page book but instead I learned about his less than enjoyable life. Clarity can come from brevity which this could have used.

[Ciara Fornicola]

Whether you are a practicing Buddhist or have never heard a word of the Dharma, this book is for you. An astounding read that will open up tenderness in yourself in ways you could've never imagined. It will be worth every second of your time - I'm already ready to read it again!

[~tim]

The unique perspective of a gay medic/caregiver (not sure what his actual occupation is) on the Noble Eightfold Path. Ellison's voice is sometimes very emotional (audiobook), but his stories are compelling and relevant to the teachings.

[Caterina]

3.5 = When you don’t go back to what you’ve underlined…

[Jakob]

Wonderfully accessible. While I practice Zen I don’t think you need an interest or much of an understanding of zen to appreciate this beautiful book.

[Graham Robertson]

A very good insight into Zen Buddhism from an author who has certainly faced a great deal of challenges in his life.

[Eileen Spillane]

Excellent, practical, funny, direct sharing of applying the 8 fold path. A book you can pick up time and again.

[Cindy]

Brilliant

[Helen]

This is an excellent book on practical Buddhism! One star off for the use of "woke" pronouns.

[Rose]

Inspiring, encouraging, hopeful.