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Everyone Is Everyone Except You
Jordan Hamel is falling in and out of love with his own mediocrity. Caught between the instinct to build a franchise of rock hard abs, and succumb to death among the kitchen appliances of Briscoes, Jordan is the star of his own demise. He’s on the brink of becoming the world’s worst life coach, or the plot twist to a bygone reality show.
Poetry is the infinity pool of vanity
and baby I have brought my wetsuit
But absurd delusions of grandeur reveal a more unsettling feeling—the pointlessness of being alive. In the face of existential dread, what is the purpose of a life if not for entertainment value?
Everyone is Everyone Except You begins as a eulogy but opens out to a profound acceptance for the less-than-glamorous things that populate a life: failed relationships and confused intimacy; bad advice and poor preparation for manhood. Along the way, unexpected joys emerge, like eloping to Carterton in a Corolla, or getting it on to the memory of the All Blacks.
Everyone is Everyone Except You is the honest and hilarious debut from one of Aotearoa’s most charismatic poets. Alternately comical and insightful, Jordan Hamel reinvents the time-honoured portrait-of-the-artist for a millennial sensibility.
Poetry is the infinity pool of vanity
and baby I have brought my wetsuit
But absurd delusions of grandeur reveal a more unsettling feeling—the pointlessness of being alive. In the face of existential dread, what is the purpose of a life if not for entertainment value?
Everyone is Everyone Except You begins as a eulogy but opens out to a profound acceptance for the less-than-glamorous things that populate a life: failed relationships and confused intimacy; bad advice and poor preparation for manhood. Along the way, unexpected joys emerge, like eloping to Carterton in a Corolla, or getting it on to the memory of the All Blacks.
Everyone is Everyone Except You is the honest and hilarious debut from one of Aotearoa’s most charismatic poets. Alternately comical and insightful, Jordan Hamel reinvents the time-honoured portrait-of-the-artist for a millennial sensibility.
- GenresPoetry
72 pages, Paperback
Published May 1, 2022
4 people are currently reading
65 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
June 12, 2022
What a delight. This is a creative collection of poems which poignantly captures the confusion and insecurity of early adulthood. Hamel conjures up left-of-field metaphors which nonetheless resonate because of their specificity. The result is the delivery of complex emotions with exceptional wit which lightens the mood.
May 30, 2022
This brand-new collection of poetry is from Pōneke poet Jordan Hamel. What a lot of levels. So much happening on so many levels. Read it for the quick, witty quotes but come back for the lingering metaphor and the straight-talking, straight to the point bluntness, that’s sharp as a knife. Let me give you a couple of quick examples:
Or
There are some great poems in this collection, none more so than the first. Hamel sometimes uses his frequently long titles as the first line. Here are the first two verses. The titles are always in bold:
[I have tried to include some of the original spacing gaps, but GoodReads has closed them all up.]
This and many of the other poems dwell on masculinity – both the Kiwi notions of it and the failure to live up to them. Who wouldn’t want to know how to back a trailer into a garage or be able to name all the power tools inside? As well as that theme of letting down family and friends, there is also a strong undercurrent of letting down God. Not showing the weak side is the theme of the second poem, Suitcase… when the captain of the rugby team cannot cope with the split of his parent’s marriage don’t tell the boys for God’s sake don’t tell the boys. That poem is home to some other great lines:
Been there, done that, but never found such a great way to put it into words
There are so many poems to love, but at some point you have to ask, why is Jordan beating himself up so much? These poems are great, he has so much talent. There is no need for him to say
That phrase we hear so much in New Zealand about ‘making the best of it’ can mean everything, even when running away with your lover in an old Toyota Corolla on the BP forecourt in Carterton.
The self-deprecation reaches a high-point in The Jordan Hamel Committee of Failed Relationships which meets monthly at the Aro Valley Community Centre. Having climbed through the window to eavesdrop, we are treated to another of those stunning lines: I’m the galaxy’s worst sun, all the orbit, none of the light. The meeting ends with a reminder that the wait list is out of control so they’re on the lookout for a bigger venue. It concludes, the worst part of the whole meeting was no one mentioned my name, not even once.’
The Briscoes Lady turns up twice in the book. For the rest of the world, for whom that statement is meaningless, she is a lady who has starred in the TV ads for a homeware store for the last thirty years. She is a national icon whose most people could not name. She was also in an impressive poem by Paula Harris in this year’s Poetry New Zealand Yearbook. People must wonder why the fuss over someone in an advert? But some kids, and by that I mean anyone under thirty, have probably seen more of her than they have of some of their relatives. Hamel gives us her a first name, Tammy, and seeks her help to plan his funeral.
The final poem in the book Human Resource is there for anyone who has lived too long in office life, and even more so for those who are yet to escape.
One last thing that I do when reading a book of poetry is to flick through all the pages really fast, like those drawings you made as kids of running stick men. I take in the white space and how it is used. Check to see that everything isn’t left-justified, check closer if there is anything completely new. I’m glad to say this collection passes the test. Prose poems, crossing out, odd and uneven spacing, lots of split lines. And unusually for a short collection of thirty poems, division into five sections, the titles of which all appear as lines in the final poem.
Jordan Hamel’s backers have done a great job getting some endorsements from some top-flight kiwi poets – Hera Lindsay Bird, whose website contact details say she will not blurb your book, Tracey Slaughter who never, ever, minces words and Tayi Tibble, our latest superstar export to the USA.
Deliver us from temptation
Like a reverse Uber Eats
Or
I want a jealous fan club I can neglect emotionally
There are some great poems in this collection, none more so than the first. Hamel sometimes uses his frequently long titles as the first line. Here are the first two verses. The titles are always in bold:
The worst thing that will ever happen to you hasn’t happened yet
but it will soon just like someone‘s dad always said
I assume even a broken man is right twice a day
and there isn’t a masculinity crisis I can fix
never learnt the tricks of the trade an adolescence
exploring my own nuts and bolts now I’m all kinds of
ill-equipped can’t tell the difference. Between a socket-wrench
and an orgasm a poor workman always blames his you know
but we try and do and make do
[I have tried to include some of the original spacing gaps, but GoodReads has closed them all up.]
This and many of the other poems dwell on masculinity – both the Kiwi notions of it and the failure to live up to them. Who wouldn’t want to know how to back a trailer into a garage or be able to name all the power tools inside? As well as that theme of letting down family and friends, there is also a strong undercurrent of letting down God. Not showing the weak side is the theme of the second poem, Suitcase… when the captain of the rugby team cannot cope with the split of his parent’s marriage don’t tell the boys for God’s sake don’t tell the boys. That poem is home to some other great lines:
In our hometown, a box of Double Brown is called a suitcase because it will always take you on some regrettable journey.
Been there, done that, but never found such a great way to put it into words
There are so many poems to love, but at some point you have to ask, why is Jordan beating himself up so much? These poems are great, he has so much talent. There is no need for him to say
Maybe it was always my calling
to be an extra in my own story.
That phrase we hear so much in New Zealand about ‘making the best of it’ can mean everything, even when running away with your lover in an old Toyota Corolla on the BP forecourt in Carterton.
The self-deprecation reaches a high-point in The Jordan Hamel Committee of Failed Relationships which meets monthly at the Aro Valley Community Centre. Having climbed through the window to eavesdrop, we are treated to another of those stunning lines: I’m the galaxy’s worst sun, all the orbit, none of the light. The meeting ends with a reminder that the wait list is out of control so they’re on the lookout for a bigger venue. It concludes, the worst part of the whole meeting was no one mentioned my name, not even once.’
The Briscoes Lady turns up twice in the book. For the rest of the world, for whom that statement is meaningless, she is a lady who has starred in the TV ads for a homeware store for the last thirty years. She is a national icon whose most people could not name. She was also in an impressive poem by Paula Harris in this year’s Poetry New Zealand Yearbook. People must wonder why the fuss over someone in an advert? But some kids, and by that I mean anyone under thirty, have probably seen more of her than they have of some of their relatives. Hamel gives us her a first name, Tammy, and seeks her help to plan his funeral.
The final poem in the book Human Resource is there for anyone who has lived too long in office life, and even more so for those who are yet to escape.
Check your to do list:
1. Think outside the box
2. Practice resilience
3. Consider a standing desk
4. If I scream continuously right now how long before someone
stops me?
5. Prepare for the communication workshop
One last thing that I do when reading a book of poetry is to flick through all the pages really fast, like those drawings you made as kids of running stick men. I take in the white space and how it is used. Check to see that everything isn’t left-justified, check closer if there is anything completely new. I’m glad to say this collection passes the test. Prose poems, crossing out, odd and uneven spacing, lots of split lines. And unusually for a short collection of thirty poems, division into five sections, the titles of which all appear as lines in the final poem.
Jordan Hamel’s backers have done a great job getting some endorsements from some top-flight kiwi poets – Hera Lindsay Bird, whose website contact details say she will not blurb your book, Tracey Slaughter who never, ever, minces words and Tayi Tibble, our latest superstar export to the USA.
September 21, 2022
Jordan Hamel simultaneously made me laugh until I projectile vomited and lit my soul on fire
…but seriously, this collection slaps
…but seriously, this collection slaps
June 14, 2022
This is a truly wonderful collection. I loved every minute of reading this book.
April 22, 2023
Taught me more about life than the 2007 Honda Fit Owner's Manual
May 17, 2022
I'm only one section in but it's already a 5 star read. I can't wait to see the Oprah's Book Club sticker on it in stores soon. A must-read for anyone.
Read
June 7, 2022some good stuff weighed down by frequent self-deprecation
June 19, 2024
yup yup yup yup yup. gladly joining the jealous fan club to be emotionally neglected. i am deeply jealous of this man’s voice.
March 10, 2024
Sincere, smart, bitterly funny.
Lines that are seaaaaring and so good I had to write them down somewhere.
Lines that are seaaaaring and so good I had to write them down somewhere.
June 1, 2022
Honestly so so good
October 29, 2022
This was brilliant and made me laugh out loud.
October 15, 2023
I'm not an impartial reviewer on this occasion because I know Jordan Hamel, but honestly well done mate - this was so enjoyable to immerse myself in. I particularly liked reading through the collection and getting to the poem titled 'Mermaids', and being unsure of whether this was going to be about the mythical mix of human and sea creature or the well known Wellington institution on Courtenay Place that is home to New Zealand's wettest strippers. That in and of itself is testament to where this book made my mind (and I'm sure many others) go, and worthy of some rating stars!
February 15, 2023
"Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us our gluten intolerance"
Poetry just doesn't get better than this.
I mean, I'm sure it does in some other universe, but in this one, Jordan Hamel is the best we got.
So funny, so tender, so millennial.
<333
Forgive us our gluten intolerance"
Poetry just doesn't get better than this.
I mean, I'm sure it does in some other universe, but in this one, Jordan Hamel is the best we got.
So funny, so tender, so millennial.
<333
June 1, 2022
I really loved these poems. Funny, snarky, subtly outrageous. A real good time of a poetry book.
June 28, 2022
"poetry is the infinity pool of vanity / and baby I have brought my wetsuit"
February 11, 2025
Alert and nimble funny hard hitting swoops of poems
May 17, 2025
For fans of: Richard Siken, weird sexy time, the feeling when you’re a kid and wake up in a friend’s living room with the DVD menu on but you don’t know how to turn it off, tumblr, and strange narrative poems. This collection is sharp with a voice to match.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews