How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting--from Tots to Teens

by Melinda Wenner Moyer

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes is a clear, actionable, sometimes humorous (but always science-based) guide for parents on how to shape their kids into honest, kind, generous, confident, independent, and resilient people...who just might save the world one day.

On social media, in the news, and from the highest levels of government, kids are increasingly getting the message that being selfish, obnoxious and cruel is okay. We know, of course, that young people have the capacity for great empathy, resilience, and action, and we all want to bring up kids who will help build a better tomorrow. But how do we actually do this?

How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes is a deeply researched, evidence-based primer that provides a fresh, often surprising perspective on parenting issues, from toddlerhood through the teenage years. Science journalist Melinda Wenner Moyer outlines the traits we want our children to possess--including honesty, generosity, and antiracism--and then she provides scientifically-based strategies that will help parents instill those characteristics in their kids. Learn how to raise the kind of kids you actually want to hang out with--and who just might save the world.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Psychology, Family, Childrens

368 pages, Paperback

First published July 20, 2021

About the author

Melinda Wenner Moyer is an award-winning contributing editor at Scientific American magazine, widely read parenting columnist at Slate, and regular contributor to the New York Times. She writes a free parenting newsletter on Substack, Is My Kid the Asshole?, that explains and addresses challenging kid behavior. Her work was featured in the 2020 Best American Science And Nature Writing anthology. She lives in New York's Hudson Valley with her husband and two kids.

Reviews

[farahxreads · Rating 4 out of 5]

How To Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes centres around this very question: How do we raise children who are kind, honest and considerate or in other words, how do we ensure our kids don’t grow up to be assholes?

Witty, engaging and informative, this book provides an evidence-based perspectives on how to nurture children to be honest, generous, resilient as well as how to weed out rudeness, arrogance, selfishness, entitlement from their personality. Inside this book, you will also learn about parenting concepts (scaffolding, parenting style, gender creative), key childhood development concepts (theory of mind, attachment theory, social learning theory) and science-backed strategies to help parents deal with particularly challenging parenting issues (pornography, siblings rivalry, screen addiction).

“I think of parenting as a 100,000-piece puzzle that you’re trying to put together while also driving, making dinner, and keeping your kids from killing each other."

Among the key takeaways I’ve gathered from this books are almost 90% of parenting is role modelling. Parents must first become self-aware individuals and model behavior to help influence our children’s character and behavior, because ultimately children learn by imitation. Emphasis on emotional regulation among children is also a constant lesson that the author echoes throughout the book. According to her (and science), understanding the language of emotions is the first step towards developing positive behavior in children. Lastly, talk, talk, talk to your children. No matter how small or trivial or obvious some things may seem to us, we have to remember that children are children. A four-year-old’s world is very, very, very different from that of a thirty-year old.

The author notes at the end of the book that parenting is hard. No matter what we do, kids will constantly challenge us because that is how they learn and grow. That said, she reminds us that we can become better parents by educating ourselves, and that what we learn will directly benefit our children. In the words of the author herself: The more we take advantage of these opportunities, the more confident we can be that our children will grow into the kinds of people the world really needs.”

Many thanks to Times Reads for gifting me this insightful gem of a book. Appreciate it.

[Rachael · Rating 1 out of 5]

First I was turned off as a teacher when she spouted facts about children in schools being racist and mean. But once she started talking politics and how politics affects our toddlers and young children, I had to stop reading. Complete liberal trash!

[Jamie Van Nuys · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book has some valuable points. I really liked what it had to say about bullying, lying, and motivation.
However, it completely lost me in the chapter on gender. In an attempt to stop the negative influence that traditional gender roles have on kids that are struggling with gender identity, it completely flips gender on it's head as if the entire concept is negative. Stop buying toys that my children enjoy JUST because they are meant for a certain gender? WHAT? My daughter loves makeup, Barbie's, glitter, and unicorns. Not because I've forced it, but because that's what she naturally leans towards. This book is suggesting that I trade all of her girly toys out for gender neutral so that I don't force a gender identity on her. This is ridiculous and honestly, really confusing for kids.
I'm an all or nothing kind of reader, and for me, this book had some great points but is not worth recommending based on this chapter alone. You can find similar progressive, holistic parenting in several other places!

[CM · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of good and useful information based on a lot of studies and it is written in a very clear and readable way. That said, although it is full of very good info I didn't personally read anything that I hadn't read before. I had heard of may of the studies, so it is just kind of a good amalgamation.

If you are new to parenting books then I definitely suggest picking it up but if you have read quite a few already, then I'm sure there is not much new in here for you.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's funny how so many books about parenting—probably the most demanding and important job that most of us will ever do—are just some person's unproven theories. This book is different. The author has done her research. She read hundreds scientific papers about how kids learn and grow. She interviewed dozens of leading scientists. And she has distilled all this information into a supremely readable (and even funny) book about creating the adults we'd like our kids to grow into: Kind, thoughtful, and happy. Many of her parenting strategies are counterintuitive. But they're all based on the best science. They work.

[Rebecca · Rating 1 out of 5]

It’s a shame. This book had such promise, but absolutely lost me on the chapter on gender. The author puts a couple who allowed their baby to choose its own gender on a pedestal, as the gold standard. Also, talking to your four year old about sex? Pornography is not as bad as parents think? Big yikes.

Politically charged leftist parenting advice. Here if you want it. Personally not for me.

[Jasna · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had some good points ( about bullying and self esteem) but the rest is woke, political trash.

[Marinna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book. I even took a hiatus to see if that would help. Nope. I’m a big fan of evidence-based parenting but some parts of this book felt like they were part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think it’s helpful to blame Trump for behavioral problems in children (seriously??) nor do I think that the pandemic is a good justification for screen time for your toddler. Some of the chapters felt informative, but much of the content felt like a parent trying to feel better about choices they’ve already made. Any research that didn’t fit the author’s viewpoint seemed to be excluded or ignored. There are better evidence-based books out there that aren’t so politically charged or self-righteous.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a funny yet fact-based guide that looks at one of the most important questions we ask as parents: "How do we make sure our kids grow up to be good human beings and not assholes?" Melinda provides parents with scientific-based strategies so we can help shape our kids into kind people. It also outlines the traits we want our kids to have and gives us concrete ways to build those qualities in our kids.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect kid. So the question becomes: what can we do not bring up assholes. A few strategies stuck out to me. One of the book's big themes is communication and the importance of talking to your kids more. Make them feel like we are someone that they can come to with any question about the world. The author's research shows that talking with our kids can make a difference. If we lean into the tricky topics like sex, pornography, sexism, and racism, kids function much better in the world. It's also important to teach them how to take care of themselves. That means we need to model taking care of ourselves, so they learn self-care. I especially loved reading about the research behind various hot topics like guns, technology, and responsibility, which will help parents effectively address issues and send the message that "kindness matters."

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/mel...

[Tracy · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a clinical psychologist who works with children and families, I am always looking for books to recommend to parents - and for books to improve my own parenting. I read this book cover-to-cover in a couple of days and it is TERRIFIC! It is chock full of both "big picture" information and concrete, targeted guidance for the thorniest of parenting challenges. I love how the author presents her own struggles in a way that helps you feel like you're not the only one wrestling with how to respond in difficult moments. The table of contents gives a great overview of what to expect from each chapter - I especially appreciated the chapters on bullying (3), anti-racism (7), and sibling conflicts (9). The author has a keen ability to translate complex scientific research into relatable and practical guidance. Highly recommend!

[Gwendolyn B. · Rating 2 out of 5]

For those of us who obsessed over parenting books while our older children were still babies, this book is basically the most popular advice repackaged as an amalgamation of the author's favorite parenting gurus and decorated with a pseudo-edgy title that you'll inevitably end up having to explain to your literate children. ("Seriously, Mom? THAT'S what you're reading?" "Oh honey. You know I don't think you're an asshole . . . ")

Helpful:

* The emphasis on effort over "natural" ability as a key motivator for kids.
* Reminders to continually reinforce empathy by letting your kids know how their behavior affects others.
* The sheer breadth of reading recommendations to add to your trying-to-be-a-better-parent library.
* Arming parents with the good words to use when discussing sex, sexuality, pornography, and consent.
* Distinguishing between *authoritative* and *authoritarian* parenting.

Not helpful:

* This is NOT a book for the 1/44 children on the autism spectrum, for whom much of this advice would result in an utter train wreck.

* Dismissing counselors who treat pornography addiction as "inaccurate" and just "trying to get more clients." (p. 280) Moyer's evidence for this accusation? She just cites the personal opinion of Emily Rothman, an occupational therapist with zero mental health credentials. Or perhaps it was just her own opinion. (No, Moyer isn't a qualified expert, either). Either way, it calls into question her audacious claim of being "science-based." (For a more nuanced discussion of the controversy, head to Google Scholar for some fascinating meta-analyses).

* Moralizing in Chapter 5 about about the importance of staying gender-neutral, (Remember! Refer to single-sex groups as "kids" instead of girls or boys!) . . . which sounds compelling until Chapter 11, when discussions about sexuality and consent center around girls-this, boys-that, daughters-this, and sons-that. ("We need to teach daughters that . . . ") I'm left to wonder how she expects the parents of Wildfire, the deliberately "degendered" child that she describes admiringly in an earlier chapter, are supposed to discuss these matters.

* Black and white thinking. As an example, she writes in her epilogue about how "there are two types of people: those who think that humans are basically good but need guidance and nurturing in order to fare well; and those who think that humans are essentially bad, who need to be controlled and beaten down in order to stay in line." There's no room here for people of faith, who believe in the concept of original sin AND that the solution is to raise children with love and nurturing. I'll stop at this example, but this sort of narrow thinking pervades her writing.

There are better parenting books out there, but where she helpfully provides a bulleted summary at the end of each chapter, a skim-through wouldn't do parents much harm.

[Walter Ullon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love that this book places the burden of nipping assholery in the bud squarely on the parent's shoulders. As if assholes are only the result of parenting failures. Don't we all know someone? I suppose statistically they are. There's a lot of statistics and studies mentioned here. That is good.

But I digress, so why am I reading? Well, three months ago I got myself a little test subject with whom to implement these principles. As she's still not old enough to understand all of this, I will have to report back (perhaps yearly?) to see how the advice here is fairing.

So far so good!

[Richard L. · Rating 5 out of 5]

As noted by others, much of the advice in this book can be found elsewhere. That said, respect for the author's extensive research to backstop the advice. Also, some chapters are particularly helpful in suggesting the specific wording (often questions) which can be used to communicate and connect with your kids.

BTW: Yes, the author is a privileged white woman. Her chapter on racism is still on point. "…your kids aren’t too young to learn about racism in some form, given that kids of color experience racism from a very young age. White parents get to choose when, where, and how they have these conversations, but parents who are BIPOC don’t -and to eschew the subject entirely to protect our kids’ innocence is to use our privilege to perpetuate systemic racism."

[Espen Stølan Holten · Rating 4 out of 5]

God, personlig og forskingsbaserte resonnementer.
Ikke alt som er anvendbart for en norsk familie, kanskje? Og kapittelet om straff/konsekvenser er noe tynt (som igjen kanskje er det mest interessante tema?)

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was fortunate enough to receive an advanced copy of this book and wasn’t sure what to expect because I’ve never read any work from Melinda. Although I’m a parent who loves to read, I’m not a massive fan of parenting books because a lot of them are purely based on subjective opinions, and parenting is different for all of us. With that being said, this book from Melinda Wenner Moyer is a must-read for just about anyone who interacts with kids. On Twitter, I made a joke that this book should be handed out in maternity wards, but I wasn’t even really joking. This book is that good, that I hope it gets the attention it deserves, and if you’re ever looking for a baby shower gift, give them a copy of this book.

So, why was the book so good? First, Melinda is an excellent writer who was able to keep me engaged throughout the book, and I binged it within a matter of days. Melinda does an insane amount of research, and it shows in this book. She cites evidence-based studies, and she also interviewed a ton of experts in child psychology and development. Personally, I think I’m a decent parent who has a lot of conversations with my son about all sorts of topics, but Melinda covered a bunch of areas I hadn’t even considered. Even for topics such as sexism, mysogyny, racism, and other subjects, she pointed to some research and gave excellent tips that I’ll definitely be using with my son. Not only that, but throughout the book, Melinda shares personal experiences with her children and admits that even after all of the work for this book, she’s still working on her parenting and has learned to cut herself some slack because none of us are perfect parents.

If I had to have a criticism of the book, it’d be that there wasn’t a specific chapter dedicated to mental health and substance use. But personally, I think with all of the strategies and research provided in this book, you can take what you learned and apply it to conversations with your kids about mental health and substance use. And she does touch on topics like mental health and well-being throughout the book in chapters like the one on screen time or discussions about sex.

Lastly, although it may make me sound bias in this review, I must say that Melinda is good people. As someone who reads a ton of books, receives advanced copies, writes reviews, and interviews authors on The Rewired Soul podcast, I’ve met a lot of jerks and people with massive egos. I like supporting authors who are good people, and from my interactions with Melinda, she’s definitely one of them from my interactions with her. I think this is important to note because there are authors I absolutely love, but regardless of their knowledge and talent, I debate on supporting their books because of how they treat people. So, if you want to read one of the best parenting books out there while supporting a good person, get this book.

[Liesl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Concise, practical information for parents. I like how Wenner Moyer breaks the book down into a handful of common problems that today's parents may face and details multiple useful strategies for dealing with each, although many involve using basic common sense. Although I feel fairly confident that I am on the right path raising my nine-year-old son, this book gave me several ideas of how I can improve my current interactions with him as well as several topics to be aware of in the near future.

[Jacklyn Dean · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn’t even finish this book which is extremely rare for me. And I have only ever given 1 other book a 1 star review. I thought this book would be more about teaching kindness, love and respect. Nope. But it was about racism in schools and so much about politics and how politics effect our children even as toddlers. Also, teaching kids absurd things, like teaching them about sex at the age of 4? Nope. Allowing a baby to choose its gender? Nope. This book did have promise, but I couldn’t continue in order to find that out. Way too liberal for me sorry.

[Richard · Rating 2 out of 5]

Big fan of evidence-based parenting here.

However, this seems like a book written by a parent who thinks their way is right and throws in some studies to try to justify it instead of being grounded in the research.

It just feels so weak. The author seems to be pushing their beliefs and agenda and displaying statistics in a biased way to support their CRT beliefs.

There are many better parenting books are out there that give fact-based insight.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic and essential parenting book. Easy to read, funny, and full of great information on things like sibling disputes, addressing racism with your kids, sexual education, and the importance of teaching kids how to recognize and manage big emotions. It's full of science, without being dry or difficult to understand. Just a gem of a parenting book that everyone should read.

[Jason Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is fantastic. One that I will read again and again, and I haven’t said that about any book before. The science-based evidence and recommendations resonated with me and kept me wanting more. The balance of admission of imperfections through real storytelling in tandem with teaching and advising parenting strategies was extremely effective and relatable. I recommend this book to everyone.

[Tamara York · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I’ve read because it’s like all of the other ones combined into useful, succinct, practical advice based on scientific studies. It’s not just one person’s opinion. And this book covers a wide range of subjects from motivation to sibling rivalries to screen time. Easy to read and relatable. Highly recommend.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great reference for advice on how to raise your child and talk about big topics like bullying, racism, and sex. I’d like to read this again in 2-3 years.

[JaNel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good overview of the main parental issues that I’ve found addressed in other books. She quotes my favorites quite a bit-Faber and Mazlish

[Blythe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes!!! Excellent. Very practical and full of common sense. I particularly loved the chapter on discipline; very insightful and helpful. And I love that she connected recent social issues with the behavior of children (and adults). And that she talked about racism and sexism. Highly recommend.

[Christy · Rating 4 out of 5]

good, solid advice! i appreciate the topics covered.

[Teddy Goetz · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars. Excellent read! The title isn’t quite representative. This provides a great synthesis of child development and parenting research. Highly recommend to clinicians in addition to those raising kids.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you ever feel like you have no idea what you’re doing as a parent? Do you ever wish someone would just tell you what to do? I do, all the time. This book won’t actually tell you what to do but it does lay out a lot of the science behind different studies and then gives you some strategies for implementing what those studies have found. The best part of the whole book was at the very end when the author notes that even by picking up this book you are trying your best and that it takes time to learn new skills and that even though you probably won’t ever be perfect you are trying your best and that’s pretty good. (8 hours)

[Lauren loves llamas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Content notes: discussions of racism, gender essentialism, bullying, aniety/depression, drug use

While I wouldn’t consider myself a stellar parent by any measure, I enjoy reading about parenting studies and generally try to do my best for my kids. So I picked this up not expecting to learn too much new information, only to be completely gobsmacked by how much of my general liberal parenting knowledge was completely wrong – and which bits were right. It’s a well-researched and thought provoking book, and I’ve already recommended it to other parents.

“More than anything else, I want my kids to be happy and to feel loved. Yet as I observe the cruelty that is increasingly enveloping our country, a growing part of me wants something else for my kids, too: I want them to be kindhearted and to treat other people with respect and dignity. It’s not something I used to actively think about, but now it feels pressing and essential.”

The book covers a diverse group of topics, including self-esteem, kindness, racism, gender inequalities and sibling rivalry. Each chapter covers a topic and is summarized in a list of five or so points, with scientific backup for each bit of advice, as well as strategies for how to apply it. The author has a knack for condensing studies and presenting them in an easily understandable way, as well as highlighting what they’re saying – or not saying (looking at you, screentime study). Other books and authors are frequently referenced (the notes section at the end of the book is huge!), making it easy to know where to go if you want more information on certain topics, and I’ve already put several on hold at the library. Even with all that knowledge, however, the author admits that even she sometimes fails to follow her own advice, and I loved how very nonjudgemental the whole book was.

“A growing body of research suggests that ‘soft skills’ like empathy and kindness predict long-term success far more than do ‘hard skills’ such as academic scores and grades.”

You may be wondering why being kind (the flip-side of being an asshole, I’d say) is even important. After all, as the author also points out, we frequently have examples of people in our highest offices who are frankly quite awful people. But studies show that kind kids are more likely to be popular, to have good self-esteem, and to do better in both school and their future careers. One of my key takeaways was how simply talking about kids’ feelings can improve how they treat others. It helps develop something called “theory of mind,” where kids can think about and predict how other people are feeling. Unsurprisingly, that’s related to being kinder, having higher self-esteem, being less racist, and also leads to better sibling relationships.

It applies to parents as well. The author uses one example of a parent catching a child taking money from the mom’s purse. The immediate response for many people would be to yell “That’s stealing!” or something similar, and leave it at that. But, if the parent asks the child why, they find out that they want to donate money to a cause at school, so the parent can then explain that while that’s a good use of money, they need to ask first or it’s considered stealing, which hurts other people. Emphasizing feelings, asking your kids to identify their feelings, giving explanations – these are all things that can seem like overdoing it, but studies show that it’s necessary to spell these things out for kids. Reading books about diversity and racism isn’t much good if you’re not also discussing it with your kids. And on that note, the author is white and she acknowledges that privilege, specifically addressing a large chunk of the racism chapter to white parents.

Overall, this book gave me a lot of food for thought, a lot of ideas for changing my parenting style, and a bit of hope, too. Recommended to any parent looking for a research heavy book to help their kids build a “better, fairer, stronger world.”

I received an advance review copy of this book from NetGalley. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review.

[Ashley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m nitpicky for research analysis, but found the marketing for this book as “science based strategies for parenting” to be an overreach. I enjoyed many of the chapters, I was frustrated by a few chapters, and in general found an over reliance on expert opinion rather than on utilizing studies. She does not do a good job of acknowledging where knowledge gaps remain and instead fills that void with opinions. But there is still an inclusion of several interesting studies and I agree with most of the take home messages. In nearly every topic discussed we should talk to kids more. I like that. The stark exception was for talking less about gender which I strongly disagree with (we should talk more about gender to our kids) and the author contradicted herself on this point several times when suggesting to talk to kids about the experiences of others with different genders than themselves. Additionally, I do not think the red/blue shirt study supports the argument to minimize use of gendered language at all because of a myriad of confounding variables and oversimplification that a colored shirt is an accurate representation of gender and/or group identity for a child. I did like chapters in particular on lying and swearing, time outs and effectively using them, and on screen time and studies with parents watching/participating in screens, tv shows, or games with their kids. And though data is difficult to analyze or absent, I do agree that we should talk to kids about sex more. She leans left heavily and I thought that was a shame not because of her politics but because she framed the “correct” way to parent as having leftist ideals. I do end with the feeling that she cherry picked studies that supported her parenting opinions instead of giving a thorough review.

[Pasha Murphy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book to be a book to please all. All topics touched upon were essentially neutral. A lot of "doing this will work but also this..."
I've been a parent for 22 years and most things come with trial and error. No kid conforms to a handbook and not all situations are clear cut with straight answers.
I feel it was certainly a Book Of the Current Time and Age. Meaning it addressed race, gender issues, sexism, social media...and how to make everyone happy and not offend anyone.
I was especially disheartened when I read the chapter on sex and pornography. The author states, "if you kids keep watching porn, even after you've advised them not to, then you may need to let things go." Uh...what?!
Not in my house. Yes, teens are rebellious and tend to find ways around rules, but there will be consequences.
I was raised with spankings and groundings and with a niggling fear of my parents. Growing up, I never wanted my kids to fear me. Now, as a mother of 3 boys (one I have raised through the teenage years, another who is currently a teen, and a 9-year-old) I have changed my mind. Fear is a good thing. It prevents smart people from doing dumb things.

Overall, if you are a new parent who has no idea how to move forward with things like tantrums and what to do when your child asks where babies come from: you might like some science to help you decide on the right path.

The author in no way claims to be an expert. She is a parent and has amassed a lot of scientific research to fill these pages.