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Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships

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You don’t have to go to every argument you’re invited to.We all argue, but understanding why can help you avoid some of those foot-in-your-mouth moments where you say something you know you’ll regret.

Therapist Jerry Manney shares his 35 years of clinical experience counseling individuals and families to help you understand why we argue and how to stop. You’ll learn how to replace heated conflicts with productive collaboration, whether you’re dealing with a restless child, a grumpy coworker, or your most intimate partner.

Why We Argue and How to Stop will teach you how

Transform damaging arguments into healthy disagreements so everyone can get their concerns heard and considered.Recognize when your emotions are taking over so you can maintain your composure before you speak, and take a break before things get worse.Take a step back and see things from the other person’s perspective so you can both get what you want.Turn disagreements into fun and collaborative problem-solving exercises that will help you find solutions everyone can agree on.Avoid attending every argument you’re invited to.Find help for frequent conditions that can contribute to individual and interpersonal stress, including depression, anxiety disorders, trauma, substance use disorders, and domestic violence.Jerry combines his professional expertise with scientifically-validated communication tools, the research of other professionals, and his many years of personal experience to deliver a practical and humorous guide.

With guided questions and plenty of opportunities to reflect in your own journal, you’ll get to practice using your new tools and techniques for healthier communication before applying them in your real-life interactions.

Humans are meant to work together, and it’s a lot more fun when we do.

Readers who enjoyed The Relationship Fix by Jenn Mann, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, and The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman will find Why We Argue and How to Stop a helpful guide and valuable addition to their libraries.

173 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 13, 2022

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Jerry Manney

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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
Profile Image for Brittany Shields.
677 reviews124 followers
June 24, 2022
"Practice makes progress.”
"Try different, not harder.”


If you’re like me and you never argue, I guess you don’t need this book…

And if you’re also like me, then it’s hard to admit that you argue too much.

So maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to see what we could do better at.

As they term it, consider this book AFGE: Another Freakin’ Growth Experience!


Last year I read Kim and Penn Holderness’s book Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better At It. I recommend it. It’s more casual and humorous than this one but still has some good ideas in it.

Why We Argue and How to Stop, on the other hand, is written by a therapist so it has a more serious tone. Nonetheless, his advice is worth taking and I recommend his book as well.

I see a counselor every month or so and found Manney’s content to be similar in what I work on with my therapist. We can only control what we think and say. We can’t control other people’s thoughts and words so we need to be evaluating our own unhealthy thought patterns and what scenarios create intense emotional reactions in which we ‘invite others to argue.’


One main aspect of this book is Manney’s encouragement to readers to keep a journal to write down their thoughts. I think this is a great way to process the material and be able to apply it to your regular life. Some things may be hard to come up with off the top of your head, but when conflict comes up, it will help to write down what was said, what happened, and what you were feeling. Then you can think through some of his suggestions and see which ones apply to that situation.

Writing helps your mind stay focused and I believe will help you get more out of this book than just reading it cover to cover.


Maybe you’re hesitant to read a book by a therapist. Maybe it seems pointless or doesn’t seem like anything will help you. Well, I challenge you to read it.

No book like this is perfectly tailored to your situation, but even if you take away ONE helpful communication device to make all the conflict we encounter with friends, family, and coworkers easier to navigate, isn’t that worth it?

And I would venture to guess… you’ll probably get more than one.


Favorite Quotes and Take Aways:

- “An apology followed by a ‘but’ is not a true apology, but rather a justification for your actions.”
My apologies have more buts than a SirMixalot song. I can see how removing these from my apologies will keep arguments from prolonging and turning more heated. Apologies need to stay apologies with no disclaimers. Then, post-apology, there are ways to talk about other things at play.

- “Don’t assume to know what they’re thinking— ask them.”
"Projecting your own thoughts and emotions onto someone else’s motives often fuels increasingly strong internal reactions.”

This has been a big talking point with my counselor. She uses the phrase ‘What’s the story you’re telling yourself?’ So many of my arguments with my husband result from what I think he’s thinking or feeling. He may make a comment like ‘Does your chicken alfredo usually look like this?’ And I think in my head, ‘I finally make supper and he hates it. He thinks I did a bad job making it and wishes I would have made something different and wishes I would make supper more often. I’m a failure of a wife and a mother.’
See how that spirals? My response to him is defensive when all he meant by his comment was ‘Hey, this looks different, right? Okay, cool, I’m gonna eat it now.’
Instead of projecting my own thoughts and feelings on others and assuming I know them, I need to ask them and to question my thinking and figure out what stories I’m telling myself— are they fair and accurate? Can I ask clarifying questions to better understand what the other person is thinking?

- “Consider that one person isn’t necessarily right and the other wrong.”
My world is largely black and white. Right and wrong usually seem obvious to me. So, yes, this causes conflict. It seems like a simple concept but hard to execute. You mean two people can say or feel two different things and BOTH be right?! It definitely helps arguments when both parties consider the rightness of what the other person is saying.

- “Resentment means to ‘feel again.’ You refeel the original pain.”
I’ve never really thought about what resentment literally means. But when you see it written this way it seems rather counterproductive to spend your life resenting. You’re subjecting yourself to feel the same pain over and over again. We may have to work to get rid of that feeling, but don’t you think you’d be a happier person if you didn’t just hang out with your pain or bitterness all the time?

- “Try to remember that sometimes dirty dishes are just dirty dishes, not a reflection of how your partner or someone else values you.”
This is another good one for my house. It’s always messy and it’s always too hard to clean things during the day when the kids are awake, and I’m too tired to do them at night. So both my husband and I have to recognize that me not cleaning during the day and him not helping me later is not how we value each other. It’s just a bunch of dirty dishes (that neither of us wants to wash… feel free to come do them for us and take our marriage to the next level).

- “Trying not to take things personally can be particularly difficult… [people] may be angry or upset about something else and, on occasion, appear to take it out on you through a harsh tone or a critical comment… Picture a frazzled mother with three screaming kids…”
Hahahahaha. I don’t have to picture it. I live it every day Jerry Manney. This is my house every night at 5:30 when my husband walks through the door. We’ve had to talk about him not taking my facial expressions and tone personally when he gets home because usually 1-3 kids have been crying the last hour and a half in some capacity and my lack of compassionate voice is exhaustion and stress not any anger toward him.

- “Children and teens are resilient; they can and will survive your imperfection. Showing that you’re an adult work-in-progress actually helps children and teens set healthy, realistic expectations, and recognize that growing up is a lifelong process, not something that just happens and then remains stagnant.”
There is a whole chapter on communicating with kids and teenagers. I really like the idea that our kids can survive our imperfections and that we don’t have to hide them. They’re going to figure it out sooner or later. It’s healthier to show them how to work through things. They’re allowed to not be perfect. This reminds me of why I’m writing my blog series about the fruit of the Spirit in parenting!

- “In my experience, one of the most common factors contributing to ongoing marital or familial conflicts is alcohol/or substance abuse, because this problem affects all facets of society.”
I have chosen not to drink alcohol and this is one of my several reasons. I have seen so many families torn apart by alcohol abuse. Sure there are a lot of responsible drinkers, but it only takes a momentary lapse in judgment to ruin a lot of lives, let alone a pattern of poor judgment at the hands of alcohol. To me it’s not worth it to introduce the risk to my or others’ life. Others feel differently, and that’s fine. Everyone has their own convictions. But I’m glad he is mentioning it because I feel like drinking and getting drunk is such a widely culturally acceptable behavior that the risks and effects of alcohol get swept under the rug and people feel invincible to them.

- “Positive communication guidelines: be brief, be positive and non-confrontational, refer to specific behavior, label your emotions, offer an understanding statement, accept partial responsibility, and offer to help.”
He offers some examples of incorrect dialogue vs better dialogue and I’m not sure if those were super helpful to me because I couldn’t picture myself using his wording, but the overall concept is helpful and effective. We just may need to tweak the wording to be more natural.


Conclusion

I’m not sure if we can really stop arguing. The Holderness’s book title may be more realistic, but our arguing will look different if we’re taking into account the advice presented in this book.

It’s easy to get lazy with our communication and say everything we think or feel however we want to and expect others to deal with it. It’s harder to think about our words and our tone. It’s harder to think about how it may be received or perceived by others.

It’s hard not to be selfish or to admit we may be a little (or a lot) wrong. It’s hard to accept partial (or complete) responsibility. It’s hard to admit what we’re feeling sometimes.

But won’t our relationships be a lot more enjoyable if we can communicate better and stop arguing so much?

Don’t take the easy way out.

Let this book guide you into better communication. Do the work and I bet you’ll see some results.


**Received a copy via TCKPublishing**

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Profile Image for Scott Pearson.
869 reviews44 followers
April 3, 2022
Many people pridefully take the stance that they don’t need self-help books. “It’s all easy and common sense,” they claim. Often, those people are the very people whose personal relationships are most disordered. In truth, we all can use a little help sometimes, and I often am more receptive when reading it in a book at my own leisure rather than sitting on a therapist’s couch. In this book, Manney brings us to his therapist’s couch and distills decades of practical insight onto the topic of argumentation.

Of course, we argue because we want to change/convince another person, and freedom comes from recognizing that we cannot enforce our will on another’s free will. We can, however, influence them if we are wise. Why do we struggle with this simple maxim? And how can we escape endless toil by fruitless arguments? Manney deeply explores this topic through clear, understandable speech that unites psychological theory and practice. He teaches us to avoid arguments, not by becoming passive, but instead by learning how to reason together respectfully.

I personally found the chapter on “You Don’t Have to Keep Arguing with Yourself” to be especially enlightening. It discusses resentment and other negative emotions that come from others’ mistakes. He tries to keep us from wallowing because others have mistreated us. Often, this exhibits itself in the form of arguing with yourself, against your true position. This pseudo-intellectualism can take up precious time and energy that can (should) be devoted to better things.

Manney closes the book with a section on how to deal with arguing with children and teenagers and another on when to seek professional help. These special topics offer good tips on becoming a leader of the most important group anyone will ever lead – yourself. On television news, it sometimes seems that unhealthy disagreements encumber so many, whether in a low position or in a high position. This book -though with simple precepts that are impossible to master – challenges the reader to live up to her/his own principles, no matter how hard the path.

Profile Image for Grady.
Author 51 books1,823 followers
April 26, 2022
Mending the argument factor

New England author Jerry Manney is a successful therapist for both individuals and for families, and an educator, teaching both undergraduate and graduate courses at colleges. He has published articles on substance abuse, family distress, and effective communication. WHY WE ARGUE AND HOW TO STOP is his debut book.

Making his messages personal to the reader is evident in his introductory remarks: ‘Regardless of what we argue about or why we argue, it boils down to this: we’re trying to make some one think or act the way we want them to, and we’re met with the usual result– pushback. In this book I will show you how to catch yourself before you get caught up in a troublesome debate, and how not to invite yourself or others to arguments…I’ll also show you how to manage the emotions that often invite you and others to heated and unproductive exchanges.’

Given that promise, Manney fulfills the expectations in a manner so accessible that the reader will alter the furrowed brow into ‘a-ha’ moments, and every item of counseling provided is supported by his recommendation for journaling to solidify the changes his advice addresses. We all have unsought arguments and have weathered the outcomes, but finally here is a coach that investigates the etiology and execution and consequences and ways to avoid arguments. Insightful, well presented and accessible, this little book is a most welcome addition to the self-help genre – a book that shines a light on positive change to resolve attitudes and issues of arguing. Highly recommended.
Profile Image for Sage Nestler.
Author 8 books117 followers
April 27, 2022
Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships by Jerry Manney is a self-help book that has honestly changed my life, and is sure to change yours. I have never read such an informed book about arguing, its purpose, and how we can strengthen our relationships by not arguing. With that being said, I now feel enlightened and better able to manage arguing in my own relationships.

The beauty of Manney’s book, is that it is not meant to be read from cover to cover. Rather, each chapter covers a different form of relationship and/or type of arguing and can be read as needed in your personal life. The book is a handbook of sorts that I find to be especially usable when an issue arises in my personal life that I would like to address.

Manney’s years of experience as a therapist are evident in each page of his book, and his knowledge made me trust him as I continued to read on. Having this book is like having a therapist available whenever you need a little bit of help. I am so thankful to have gotten to know Manney.

Overall, Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships is a new and vital book in the realm of self-help books. Jerry Manney is a well-educated and experienced practitioner who has created a handbook vital for navigating arguing. I am so thankful to him for sharing his breadth of knowledge with the world, and I will be recommending this book for years to come.
Profile Image for Jen Tidman.
274 reviews
July 19, 2022
I found this book and its main principle, that you do not have to attend every argument that you're invited to, very helpful. As someone who is neurodivergent I find a great deal of social communication very confusing and don't always understand how I have become broiled in an argument as well as finding conflict very distressing. This book gave me greater insight into why arguments occur and either how to prevent them, or how to have them in a healthy fashion so that they end up in a win-win for all parties, rather than a win-lose situation.
Profile Image for Kelvin Reed.
Author 11 books15 followers
August 26, 2022
"Why We Argue and How to Stop" (2022) by Jerry Manney is a worthwhile piece of nonfiction. It’s full of practical suggestions on how to avoid unproductive arguments, deal with one’s anger, and approach interpersonal conflicts in a constructive way. The book is written in a colloquial style that’s easy to understand. I’m not convinced the recommended extensive journal-writing is feasible in today’s fast-paced, multitasking world, but the book is very helpful without it. Solidly recommended. I was given this as a free e-book and have voluntarily left this review.
Profile Image for Taylor Ellwood.
Author 98 books160 followers
August 22, 2022
If you find yourself in a lot of arguments, this book can be a useful guide to help you recognize why you are arguing and explore techniques you can apply to help you have better conversations with the people you are arguing with. Reading this book helped me understand some of my patterns of behavior when I get into arguments and has given me some ways I can change those patterns and have more constructive conversations as a result.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews

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