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You're Cute When You're Mad: Simple Steps for Confronting Sexism
Editor's Note
Stopping sexism…
Headlee’s guide isn’t just for women: it’s for anyone who wants to create a more equitable and inclusive society.
Description
As she admits in the first salvo of her enlightening new guide to battling gender discrimination, award-winning author and radio journalist Celeste Headlee is herself … a sexist.
But aren’t we all? Indeed we are, no matter the strength of our convictions otherwise, and herein lies the crux of Headlee’s examination of inherent—and often unconscious—cultural biases: Whether we can admit it or not, we all bring instinctive and learned prejudices to our interactions and conversations, to the detriment of everyone.
Fortunately, Headlee presents a thoughtful, practical, and cogent manual on becoming aware of, and reversing, the sometimes subtle sexism with which we all struggle, actively or not. With the same empathetic and circumspect approach seen in her 2017 book We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter, Headlee lays out the fundamentals of creating allies, rather than alienating those who may simply be playing prescribed cultural roles. But deprogramming people without making them defensive (and dismissive) is easier said than done.
The culprit? “Benevolent sexism.” As Headlee writes, this pervasive daily frustration for at least half the population is “hard to address because people often fail to recognize so-called friendly sexism as harmful.” To combat this, the author walks us through an often surprising and always illuminating three-step process, drawing on human psychology and refreshing common sense. In the end, we’re rewarded with a compelling take on one of our most insidious problems—and, happily, a way to bring people together in these divided times.
Stopping sexism…
Headlee’s guide isn’t just for women: it’s for anyone who wants to create a more equitable and inclusive society.
Description
As she admits in the first salvo of her enlightening new guide to battling gender discrimination, award-winning author and radio journalist Celeste Headlee is herself … a sexist.
But aren’t we all? Indeed we are, no matter the strength of our convictions otherwise, and herein lies the crux of Headlee’s examination of inherent—and often unconscious—cultural biases: Whether we can admit it or not, we all bring instinctive and learned prejudices to our interactions and conversations, to the detriment of everyone.
Fortunately, Headlee presents a thoughtful, practical, and cogent manual on becoming aware of, and reversing, the sometimes subtle sexism with which we all struggle, actively or not. With the same empathetic and circumspect approach seen in her 2017 book We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter, Headlee lays out the fundamentals of creating allies, rather than alienating those who may simply be playing prescribed cultural roles. But deprogramming people without making them defensive (and dismissive) is easier said than done.
The culprit? “Benevolent sexism.” As Headlee writes, this pervasive daily frustration for at least half the population is “hard to address because people often fail to recognize so-called friendly sexism as harmful.” To combat this, the author walks us through an often surprising and always illuminating three-step process, drawing on human psychology and refreshing common sense. In the end, we’re rewarded with a compelling take on one of our most insidious problems—and, happily, a way to bring people together in these divided times.
Audiobook
Published March 16, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews
March 21, 2022
This short book discusses how we can all combat benevolent sexism - the so-called ‘friendly sexism’ and micro-aggressions that people may not immediately consider sexist, but subtly still undermine women.
It’s very frustrating that I (as a woman) have to take on the main burden of educating (mostly) men about sexism, but that’s a whole other conversation. The take on the best way to talk to men about sexism was to ask them questions about their behaviour without being combative, because they learn best when they self-reflect, instead of being shamed. This is probably good advice, but it really is irritating that we’re told we have to be patient and understanding when men are learning how not to be sexist.
Overall, probably a good read for both men and women to get ideas on how to combat sexist micro-aggressions, but you may feel more than a little angry afterwards about the fact you even have to do it.
It’s very frustrating that I (as a woman) have to take on the main burden of educating (mostly) men about sexism, but that’s a whole other conversation. The take on the best way to talk to men about sexism was to ask them questions about their behaviour without being combative, because they learn best when they self-reflect, instead of being shamed. This is probably good advice, but it really is irritating that we’re told we have to be patient and understanding when men are learning how not to be sexist.
Overall, probably a good read for both men and women to get ideas on how to combat sexist micro-aggressions, but you may feel more than a little angry afterwards about the fact you even have to do it.
April 17, 2023
helpful.
i recommend!
i recommend!
March 23, 2022
A helpful and practical short guide on how to deal with microaggressions of sexism. Which I found helpful on how to proactively challenge micro sexist comments/actions to help enable positive change from those you are trying to influence in your day to day life.
This isn't a book on how to deal with overt sexism (that's a different book) but that everyday benevolent sexism that can often come from unconscious bias.
Recommended read for us feminists who need some tips on challenging day-to-day misogynistic derisions.
Scribd Original so if you have Scribd I recommend checking it out.
This isn't a book on how to deal with overt sexism (that's a different book) but that everyday benevolent sexism that can often come from unconscious bias.
Recommended read for us feminists who need some tips on challenging day-to-day misogynistic derisions.
Scribd Original so if you have Scribd I recommend checking it out.
December 29, 2022
Can this be mandatory reading pls?
August 12, 2024
Insightful and thought provoking. A good start to learning how to communicate effectively in situations that I would otherwise feel uncomfortable.
July 31, 2025
2.5 ⭐️
March 20, 2022
Practically written, helpful and insightful.
This short read is the sort of thing we should all read. It will teach you how to defend, highlight and object to sexism in practical and helpful ways. This is a challenge that’s deeply rooted in so many of us (self included) that I need to keep learning from resources like this.
This short read is the sort of thing we should all read. It will teach you how to defend, highlight and object to sexism in practical and helpful ways. This is a challenge that’s deeply rooted in so many of us (self included) that I need to keep learning from resources like this.
January 1, 2025
4.5⭐️
A book everyone should have read!
A book everyone should have read!
August 12, 2022
3.5 ⭐️ This was a good, however, the examples of friendly sexism throughout was a little bit harsh for me. It mentions this can be someone saying I look nice, compliments my handwriting or calls me clever. When learning about sexism, I personally think it’s important to realize when someone is being genuine and maybe uninformed rather than labeling them a sexist. While I understand someone calling me “ a clever girl” could be an insult as a female, we also have to consider the male making the comment might not have cruel sexist intentions and is just making a comment he doesn’t know is making me possibly feel less than. When my husband tells me I look nice, my first thought isn’t to assume he’s sexist. Other than that specific part of the book, I really enjoyed it and would recommend!
April 6, 2022
Helpful and feasible step-by-step on how to confront sexism in everyday life. The author did well on research and urges us to do something about it, as well as inviting the privileged (men) to have an open discussion on how to reiterate the internal issues on feminism.
April 1, 2022
Sexism sucks. It's even more frustrating when it's micro-sexism, where it's "supposed" to be intended as a joke and you're "not supposed to take it so seriously."
"You're so cute when you're mad."
No, I'm mad because I'm mad and I want to be respected, not just as a woman, but as a human being.
I hear this kind of shit all the time and as someone who avoids confrontation as much as possible, I never really know how to respond to it. This was a good reminder to speak up more, with some helpful tips on how to create a dialogue that's more productive.
"You're so cute when you're mad."
No, I'm mad because I'm mad and I want to be respected, not just as a woman, but as a human being.
I hear this kind of shit all the time and as someone who avoids confrontation as much as possible, I never really know how to respond to it. This was a good reminder to speak up more, with some helpful tips on how to create a dialogue that's more productive.
March 18, 2022
Very profound, educational, and enlightening.
January 5, 2023
“When it comes to confronting sexism, stop erring on the side of caution. Stay calm and remain respectful, but get loud.”
April 2, 2022
There is a lot I disagree with in this book, but there is also some really good advice for how to have difficult conversations, and it is always helpful to see where others are coming from and what their thought process is.
February 16, 2024
This book looks at micro aggressions or friendly sexism as she calls it towards women. Like when people say she's so bossy when she's direct, or make a sexist joke but 'it's just a joke calm down. Your so emotional'
I thought it has some interesting ideas to handle this but I do think they might be nieve. Some of the techniques suggested would label me as difficult in my industry. It would harm my career. This is probably a reflection on my industry more then her ideas but i don't think it includes scenarios like mine where people's opinions of you dictate your job. I would de interested to know what her suggestions would be as this book is well thought and clear. She makes it very clear that there is a differnce between micro aggressions and sexism. She sounds like a fascinating person and I would love to read more of her work
I thought it has some interesting ideas to handle this but I do think they might be nieve. Some of the techniques suggested would label me as difficult in my industry. It would harm my career. This is probably a reflection on my industry more then her ideas but i don't think it includes scenarios like mine where people's opinions of you dictate your job. I would de interested to know what her suggestions would be as this book is well thought and clear. She makes it very clear that there is a differnce between micro aggressions and sexism. She sounds like a fascinating person and I would love to read more of her work
May 24, 2022
Many small, quick strategies, along with STAR system (interrupts, tell, assist and restore)can be most effective for ubiquitous sexism behaviours or mindless comments (I.e benevolent sexism).
The most thing is to speak up and cut at the moment. The author also suggests to reframe the issue of sexism and makes it extremely personal for perpetrators. Such as, men would be more aware about equal payments of gender if they develop fatherhood of daughters
(If it’s not I subscribe to Scribd only for a 14 days free trail, I wouldn’t finish the book this fast lol. I wasn’t a consistent reader either. But inherently it was an easy-read and short book. The audiobook was also recommended )
The most thing is to speak up and cut at the moment. The author also suggests to reframe the issue of sexism and makes it extremely personal for perpetrators. Such as, men would be more aware about equal payments of gender if they develop fatherhood of daughters
(If it’s not I subscribe to Scribd only for a 14 days free trail, I wouldn’t finish the book this fast lol. I wasn’t a consistent reader either. But inherently it was an easy-read and short book. The audiobook was also recommended )
August 13, 2022
This was a super quick audiobook read for me! This book offers a lot of practical and realistic suggestions for how to deal with sexism in a way that can make actual change. As someone who has struggled in the past with trying to hold onto relationships with people whom I disagree with, I appreciated that this book acknowledged that the best way to go about changing minds is not always just throwing out statistics. In the past, I was definitely the person fully relying on statistics, and I think if I were to re-read this book or get a physical copy, I would be able to work toward more persistent change.
August 26, 2022
Honestly I started skimming half way through. There are some excellent and well researched points, but nothing that we don’t already know and more importantly doesn’t relate to everyone. Some people don’t find someone calling them sweetheart sexist, some find it repulsive. But bottom line, if I’m serving a customer in my job and a 40 plus man calls me “love” even though I don’t like it, I work in a customer service based role, it’s not worth the confrontation or the complaint just to prove a sexism point. This journey starts well before the timeline of this book. This starts young and at home listening to your family engage.
March 29, 2022
Great book. A lot of people who would not consider themselves sexist or who actively try to dismantle sexism still experience biased thoughts. Benevolent sexism is just as harmful as outright sexism in perpetuating gender inequality. Those who are impacted by sexist statements and jokes are less likely to have an effect when speaking out against sexism. On the other hand those who are not impacted have a better chance of making an impact on the perpetrator. This was a great short book that gives a different perspective on approaching sexism. A great book that a lot more people should read.
April 4, 2022
Celeste Headlee has written a very short and practical guide to fight sexism. I listened to the audio in Scribd. I enjoyed and learned from it. It is quite interesting how her ideas are very closely related to coaching techniques such as powerful questions and the COIN (context, observation, impact and next) method as a conflict protocol in relationships.
August 8, 2023
This book had some good information but it mostly felt like a guide to soft parenting and sometimes straight-up tricking men into being compassionate. I agree with a lot of the techniques discussed but I was hoping there would be information beyond feeding a man’s ego to convince them to respect you.
September 25, 2023
Books on creating radical social change often read like compilations of gripes. They are simply commiserating books. "You're Cute When You're Mad" gives actionable steps to bring an end to sexism backed up with massive amounts of research. It is a great resource for anyone wanting to have the tools to combat their own sexist beliefs and those they encounter from others daily.
June 2, 2024
المؤلفة صحفية و متحدث احترافي ، اختارت أن تكتب عن العنصرية الجنسية الناعمة - يمكننا القول - وكيفية التصدي لها ، مشكلة الكتاب كانت في كونه كتيب تعليمي .. لا يوجد نقاش للموضوع الأمر مسلم به عندها، حتى في نقدها للفروسية و اتساع وسمة العنصرية على كل ما هو دارج في العرف حتى فتح الباب للسيدات أمر مبالغ فيه ..
March 20, 2022
Excellent review of ways to confront bias. While the author’s focus was on gender bias, the same principe apply in all areas of life. I especially appreciated her emphasis on facing our own biases and do the necessary work to identify and control them
January 6, 2023
A practical, if a bit idealistic, guide to confronting casual/benevolent sexism. However, I'm not a good enough person to be this patient towards sexists. The world should know better by now.
My rating: 3.5/5
My rating: 3.5/5
May 22, 2023
This is the sort of thing we should be reading in health class so that the next time teen boys try to make inappropriate sex and sexist jokes, girls will be armed and ready to approach the issue instead of suffer in traumatic silence.
October 21, 2023
I believe this should be mandatory reading for high school kids before they go out into the world. It's such a short read, but it's more than enough for its purpose. I would literally recommend it to everyone.
February 11, 2024
practical, short, and if everyone implemented just one thing from it the world would be a better place! alas, as the book also acknowledges, it is infuriating to have to be the more compassionate one to gentle parent misogynists towards better behavior
July 31, 2024
This book was not long enough. It had just enough examples to make me mad (I wonder if I'm cute while reading it?) but not enough examples of how to confront/answer the sexism we see. Good start, though, and she makes some good points.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 50 reviews