[Content warning: suicidal ideation, bullying, PTSD, panic attacks]
Kaori knows. She knows who Shizuku is and she knows what she did when she was younger. But the problems all lie in Shizuku’s inability to forgive herself. And even if they get past that point, it’s clear that the series’ title has a very obvious inverse which might leave things even worse than they already are.
This volume is basically minimal movement or passage of time focused and all talk, all the time. And it’s brilliant. Oh, there are absolutely no punches pulled here whatsoever. I thought they’d soften Shizuku’s actions, but other than having a child’s view towards justifying her actions, she was absolutely wrong to act the way she did and the flashbacks are harrowing (not as bad as A Silent Voice, but bad enough).
In the present, however, she has dwelled on that one moment and been eaten alive by it for five years to the point where it has absolutely destroyed her life. Other than her writing, Shizuku has nothing left, and even that comes with a price. Sometimes there is no worse retribution than what you deliver onto yourself.
Shizuku’s natural tendency to believe she has no worth any more explodes out of her so hard that she can’t even see past it to notice that something is obviously off with Kaori. By the time the cliffhanger from last volume is wrapped up, she’s already had a full-on panic attack and lashed out at both Kaori and her sister.
Except this isn’t the old Shizuku; she at least knows she’s done wrong and apologizes to her sister. Kaori takes a little more effort, however, because Shizuku thinks the former’s attention is a way of getting back at Shizuku for how she acted. The twisted way she has of thinking about herself fully resonates if you’ve ever had guilt so strong you couldn’t let it go.
Unless, of course, Kaori sees Shizuku’s story for what it truly is and is there for a whole other reason than anything so petty as vengeance. Shizuku is writing from the heart and that heart is in very, very rough shape. Which leads to some very real talk about suicide and that whole ‘not being able to let go’ thing and, depending on your view of bullying, some real sympathy for the devil vibes.
It’s complicated in a way that I really like - Shizuku has ruined her own life as a twisted form of penance, but she can’t seem to offer up an actual apology after all this time. And we see her victim in one side chapter and that section has one ‘flinch’ that is one of the most effective suggestions of long-term effects from bullying I’ve seen.
As a treatise on the danger of being unable to move on, it’s sublime. As a piece of rumination on whether you deserve forgiveness and, even beyond that, happiness, after hurting somebody so deeply, it’s brilliant.
This is a yuri story that has practically no romance in it, but it has so much love, just of a very different type than I expect from this space. There’s a heart to this and it is in both the worst state possible and dire need of healing.
What we do get is a festival date that ends on the sweetest promise that lands in the worst way. If Shizuku might feel a little better about herself, that does leave us to focus on Kaori and, while I dearly hope this series pulls a fast one, I am prepared to have my own emotions crushed into paste next time out by her story.
4.5 stars - this won’t be for everyone; it is a bleak and unflinching portrait of bullying and trauma and how badly you can hurt yourself through pure loathing of who you are. It weaves in the hope and the possibility of redemption, but also so much loss. It is not a piece of fluff at all and, honestly, absolutely fantastic at what it’s doing.