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You Never Can Tell

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In this witty comedy of errors, the Clandon siblings, Gloria and the twins, Dolly and Philip attempt to uncover the identity of their long lost father. Playwright George Bernard Shaw uses the odd mix of eccentric characters thrown together in a seaside setting to make a number of sharp observations about marriage, romance, and parenthood. (Summary by Kelly S. Taylor)

Cast:
Mr. Valentine, the Dentist – cavaet
Mrs. Clandon – Kelly S. Taylor
Gloria Clandon – Elise Dee
Dolly Clandon – Jenn Broda
Philip Clandon – ToddHW
Mr. Fergus Crampton – Algy Pug
Mr. Finch McComas – Greg Giordano
Walter, the waiter – Adrian Stephens
Bohun, a QC (Queens Counsel) – Andrew Gaunce
The Parlor-maid – Hannah Dormor
The Narrator – Andrew Latheron

4 pages, Audiobook

First published January 1, 1898

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About the author

George Bernard Shaw

2,011 books4,147 followers
George Bernard Shaw stands as one of the most prolific and influential intellectuals of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, a man whose literary output was matched only by his fervent commitment to social reform. Rising from a modest background in Dublin to become a global icon of letters, Shaw redefined the purpose of the stage, transforming it from a place of mere entertainment into a forum for rigorous intellectual debate and moral inquiry. His unique "Shavian" style—characterized by sharp-witted dialogue, paradoxical reasoning, and a relentless assault on Victorian hypocrisy—ensured that his voice resonated far beyond the footlights. As a playwright, critic, and philosopher, he remains a singular figure in history, being one of only two individuals to have been honored with both a Nobel Prize in Literature and an Academy Award. This rare crossover of high-art recognition and mainstream cinematic success speaks to his versatility and the enduring relevance of his narratives. His dramatic work, which includes over sixty plays, often tackled the most pressing issues of his day, from the rigid structures of the British class system to the complexities of gender roles and the ethical dilemmas of capitalism. In masterpieces like Pygmalion, he used the science of phonetics to demonstrate the artificiality of class distinctions, a theme that would later reach millions through the musical adaptation My Fair Lady. In Man and Superman, he delved into the philosophical concepts of the "Life Force" and the evolution of the human spirit, while Major Barbara forced audiences to confront the uncomfortable relationship between religious idealism and the industrial military complex. Beyond his theatrical achievements, Shaw was a foundational force in political thought, serving as a leading light of the Fabian Society. His advocacy for gradual socialist reform, rather than violent revolution, helped shape the trajectory of modern British politics and social welfare. He was instrumental in the creation of the London School of Economics, an institution that continues to influence global policy and economic theory. Shaw was also a formidable critic, whose reviews of music and drama set new standards for the profession, characterized by an uncompromising honesty and a deep knowledge of the arts. His personal lifestyle was as distinctive as his writing; a committed vegetarian, teetotaler, and non-smoker, he lived with a disciplined focus that allowed him to remain productive well into his ninth decade. He was a man of contradictions, often engaging in provocative public discourse that challenged the status quo, even when his views sparked intense controversy. His fascination with the "Superman" archetype and his occasional support for authoritarian figures reflected a complex, often elitist worldview that sought the betterment of humanity through radical intellectual evolution. Despite these complexities, his core mission was always rooted in a profound humanitarianism and a desire to expose the delusions that prevented society from progressing. He believed that the power of the written word could strip away the masks of respectability that hid social injustice, and his plays continue to be staged worldwide because the human foibles he satirized remain as prevalent today as they were during his lifetime. By blending humor with gravity and intellect with accessibility, Shaw created a body of work that serves as both a mirror and a compass for modern civilization. His legacy is not just in the scripts he left behind, but in the very way we think about the intersection of art, politics, and the individual’s responsibility to the collective good. He remains the quintessential public intellectual, a man who never feared to speak his mind or to demand that the world become a more rational and equitable place.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
Profile Image for Kenny.
600 reviews1,511 followers
June 30, 2025
It's unwise to be born; it's unwise to be married; it's unwise to live; and it's unwise to die.
You Never Can Tell ~~ George Bernard Shaw


1
#8 of my 2018 Shaw Project
3.5/5 Stars

I don't quite know what to make of this one. It is charming, and definitely it is a pleasant play as Shaw would say, but, it doesn't seem to be up to Shaw's standards. It seems cute and heavy handed more than anything else. Shaw calls this a "comedy of errors," and that it certainly is.

You Never Can Tell is mixture of farce, romance and social commentary, it has all the elements of Shaw's later plays, but in a bumpy, undigested form. Introducing the free-thinking author Mrs Clandon, and her three children, who have returned to the south coast of England from Madeira, the first act labors to establish a plot that is a delivery system for arguments about marriage, society and parenthood which still have some bite.

1

Shaw’s comedy was written after he saw and negatively reviewed Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest on the London stage in 1895. What Shaw does have to offer over Wilde is a seriousness of intent. And while this is lesser Shaw, even second rate Shaw is better than the best of what many other authors have to offer.

1
Profile Image for Katie Lumsden.
Author 3 books3,807 followers
March 16, 2021
Thoroughly delightful - funny, charming and just a joy to read.
Profile Image for Bill Kerwin.
Author 2 books84.5k followers
June 9, 2019

A superficial examination of the elements of You Never Can Tell (1897) might entice an observer into believing he was about to experience the best G.B.S. has to offer. The Shavian preoccupations are all here: the feminist matriarch Mrs. Clandon and her three unconventional children, including a teenage daughter Dolly who says whatever she pleases; their estranged father, a grumpy capitalist patriarch Mr. Crampton; a smart young man and practicing dentist named Valentine who is in love with Mrs. Clandon beautiful elder daughter Gloria; a solicitor and barrister both to compound and resolve misunderstandings; and the expert waiter, old Walter, always ready to be of service, who dispense both refreshments and advice with equal alacrity, and lives by the wide-awake motto “You Never Can Tell.”

Yes, it certainly sounds like an enjoyable Shaw comedy. Yet somehow all the elements don’t seem to work together. I suspect this is because the narrative just isn’t compelling enough. The conversations entertain, most of the jokes still work, but the play never makes us care about what might happen next.

My advice: skip it, and read Candida or The Devil’s Disciple instead.

Since the waiter Walter is the best thing about this play, I will end with one of his brief monologues, in which he describes how his very successful son (a barrister) and he are in reality very much alike:
We get on together very well, very well indeed, sir, considering the difference in our stations. (With another of his irresistible transitions.) A small lump of sugar, sir, will take the flatness out of the seltzer without noticeably sweetening the drink, sir. Allow me, sir. (He drops a lump of sugar into the tumbler.) But as I say to him, where's the difference after all? If I must put on a dress coat to show what I am, sir, he must put on a wig and gown to show what he is. If my income is mostly tips, and there's a pretence that I don't get them, why, his income is mostly fees, sir; and I understand there's a pretence that he don't get them! If he likes society, and his profession brings him into contact with all ranks, so does mine, too, sir. If it's a little against a barrister to have a waiter for his father, sir, it's a little against a waiter to have a barrister for a son: many people consider it a great liberty, sir, I assure you, sir. Can I get you anything else, sir?
Profile Image for David Sarkies.
1,933 reviews387 followers
February 9, 2016
Shaw's Comedy of Errors
9 February 2016

I have to admit that I really didn't get into this play all that much, but then again I can't expect to like every one of Shaw's plays (I know that is the case with Shakespeare and the Greek playwrights). I guess there are a couple of reasons as to why I didn't particularly like this one, though one of those reasons would have to be that it is probably one of those plays that are better seen performed on stage. Mind you, even if that were the case (that is I get to see the play performed live) there isn't any guarantee that I'm not going to be sitting there, twiddling my thumbs, and resisting the temptation to scream out 'boring!'. The other reason was that it simply seemed to be so ordinary – it was set in an English seaside hotel – which is unlike many of Shaw's other plays.

Actually, I'm also going to have to say that the plot was pretty ordinary as well. There wasn't all that much about this particular play that really grabbed me and wanted me to say 'this is great'. It wasn't like Androcles and the Lion, which is set in a Roman gladiatorial arena (or at least the prison cells underneath), or Caeser and Cleopatra, which is basically a prequel to Julius Caeser and Antony and Cleopatra. No, it was just one of those rather ordinary romantic comedies that I basically go out of my way not to see.

Anyway, as I mentioned, the play is mostly set at an English seaside resort and centres around a woman and her daughters after they return from abroad. The thing is that the woman's husband, and the daughters' father, is a big unknown. After a bunch of comedies of errors, it suddenly becomes apparent that one of the other characters happens to be the husband and the father and everything ends happily, with the exception of Valentine, who goes through the entire play attempting to court one of the daughters and failing abysmally. The play then ends with the waiter (who has earned the nickname William Shakespeare because, well, he looks like Shakespeare) saying 'you never can tell' (which is a phrase he repeats quite often throughout the play).

Mind you, I'm sure if I end up seeing it performed (by a good theatre company mind you) I will end up quite liking it, however reading it in book form just didn't seem to grab me all that much.
Profile Image for Yasmeen.
330 reviews49 followers
September 21, 2021
برضو بتلف و تدور حوالين قضية الـ New woman اللى كانت شاغلة العصر .. بس دى مش أحسن حاجة برنارد كتبها ف الاتجاه دة لأ.
Profile Image for HR Habibur Rahman.
284 reviews55 followers
May 4, 2024
"Love can't give any man new gifts. It can only heighten the gifts he was born with."

This comes from the second greatest playwright of the English nation. It's like যদি না উঠিত রবি নজরুল হইতো বিশ্বকবি। If Shakespeare hadn’t become Shakespeare then certainly Shaw would have taken his place.


We've seen writers getting motivated by their predecessor writers. In this situation , critics also have found similarities between Shaw and Shakespeare, at least in sketching the characters. But obviously, You Never Can Tell has its own quality.




This "four-act" play of GB Shaw has been masterfully written. The characters are witty, humorous, lively as well as self-conscious. Shaw has given every character their own personality and dignity. Being an objective play, even Shaw himself didn’t interfere.



You Never Can Tell is a modern play set in an English seaside resort and opens in a dentist's chamber, from where the story begins. Valentine, a five shilling doctor, gets his first tooth out in a very long time. Almost all the characters show their faces in this part. We come to know about the Clandon family and their characteristics. Gloria, being the beautiful one, easily made the doctor fall in love with her. Then comes the realization that Shaw wanted us to experience.




Shaw, being a feminist , has kept a feminist character, Mrs Clandon (who had been living in Madeira), in this play. She, along with her 3 children, comes to England after 18 years to get some consultation from a friend. As the title suggests, you never can tell is actually true. No one knows what the future holds. And you can't control the future or other people. As we can see, Mrs Clandon tried her best to make Gloria, her first child, like her. But in the end, she is just another human being. I'm not sure that Shaw has ridiculed feminism or glorified it by the character of Mrs Clandon. In my opinion, she didn’t win.




Shaw has shown that what people think and do has different heights. Anyone can think he or she will do this or that, but they generally don’t. By the character of that young lawyer Shaw made it very clear where the lawyer told Gloria and Valentine, as well as other characters who came into contact that they might think they will do like this or that but actually they won't. If anyone wants to keep a relationship, they have to adjust, not try to change others. In this respect, Mrs Clandon, who's been trying to make Gloria like her, has been silently ridiculed, as has Mr Crampton.




And to be honest, it was thoroughly a good read. There might not be much depth to think about, but whatever it has is not little. Make your mind calm and enjoy this romantic comedy.
Profile Image for Brad.
Author 2 books1,927 followers
February 7, 2021
Even trying to write a frivolous seaside comedy, Shaw couldn't help himself. The political beast that inhabited the man still forced him to squeeze in some social commentary; lucky for us, Shaw was enough of a master to make it all part of the fun.

My fun comes most from the dynamic between Gloria and her 5 shilling dentist, Valentine (played in the L.A. Theatre Works production by Siobhán Hewlett and James Callis, respectively). Their speedy love-duel courtship, especially in the hands of talented actors, matches the best parry-riposting of Oscar Wilde's finest, wittiest characters, and the laughs they generate are genuine despite the hidden depth of gender politics (albeit gender politics from the perspective of a male socialist circa 1897) that could have weighed down their lightness in the hands of a lesser dramatist.

But You Never Can Tell has much more going for it than one playful love affair. From a masquerade ball to solicitous solicitors, from lessons in parenting to the wonders of tooth extraction, Shaw pumps all his scenes full of helium and lets his fantastical balloons bob up and down while tethered to the realities of English society he couldn't help but satirize.

Though nowhere near Shaw's best work, You Never Can Tell is a personal favourite, and I'd probably have given it at least one more star if it wasn't for the fact that this L.A. Theatre Works production contained such uneven performances. While Hewlett and Callis were excellent, too many other performances were merely adequate, and one performance in particular was just plain bad (although to be fair to the actor, I feel like the performance was hampered by poor direction). Still, with no stages open a full year into COVID and no way to see You Never Can Tell in its natural element, a middling audio performance is a hell of a lot better than no performance at all.
October 18, 2023
You Never Can Tell,is a modern drama written by George Bernard Shaw..Our life is unpredictable.. We cannot know what will happen in future ..
The play is set in a seaside town and tells the story of Mrs Clandon and her three children, Dolly, Phillip and Gloria, who have just returned to England after an eighteen-year stay in Madeira..The Children have no idea about their father..Mrs Clandon is a feminist and she thinks that husband always tries to control thei wife..It is long time,Mrs Clandon left her husband and went to England.. After a long time,she comes England again with her children. And from there the drama begins. Gloria is influenced by her mother's way of thinking and has no faith in love and marriage..Dolly visits the dentist for a toothache and where Gloria meets the dentist, Valentine and falls in love with the dentist. Dramatically, the children reunite with their father there. Dolly and her brother invite their father to their evening party..
In this play, we see that the uncertainty of life..Shaw shows his attitude towards marriage.. According to him,every marriage is not a curse for the couple.. Actually, marriage is the source of happiness,if there is love..Mutual understanding is compulsory in marriage.. We have to accept it,human life is dominated by fate and we have no idea what will be waiting for us because it is totally unpredictable.
#This is short in size but it gives us happiness through it’s characters and their dialogues.. If you want,you will read it definitely..#
Profile Image for TraceyL.
990 reviews162 followers
May 9, 2020
This just did absolutely nothing for me. I didn't find it entertaining or funny at all, but that's ok. I guess Shaw isn't for me.
Profile Image for Michael P..
Author 3 books73 followers
January 12, 2010
Given how much I usually like Shaw, I may need to revisit this someday, but I did not find this early work fun or funny. Its major interest is that it is Shaw in small.
Profile Image for Czarny Pies.
2,851 reviews1 follower
May 27, 2021
I have never read this delightful light play. Rather I saw it fifteen years ago at the Shaw Festival of Niagara-on-the-Lake where is regularly performed because it stages well and is very cheerful. "You never can tell" is Victorian fluff that should please any fan of Gilbert and Sullivan or Oscar Wilde. It seeks only to entertain and does not try to proselytize Nietzsche. The dialogues are snappy and there is no bombast. It goes well with the Niagara wines and the cuisine offering at the restaurants near the Festival theatre.
Profile Image for Michael P..
Author 3 books73 followers
December 6, 2020
Typing difficult at the moment but I enjoyed this very much.
Profile Image for Christopher.
306 reviews28 followers
February 24, 2008
This could have been a wonderful play, and it was for most of it. But the deus ex machina in the final act in the form of our mediator was extremely frustrating. Despite this, the play is still worth it and full of great characters and wit, as per usual when one deals with Mr. Shaw.
Profile Image for Stephen Hero.
341 reviews6 followers
March 5, 2025
One could almost call this thing superficial except for the author's ongoing effort to ensure that it remain so. So perhaps `surgically superficial` could be our descriptor?

I'll never forget finding this VHS, the filmed performance, under my Christmas tree with its off-white background and classic red lettering stating "Hilarity ensures. Again, and again." To this day, and my publicist can confirm, I have never been lied to by some tagline or slogan worded in red lettering.

And it's Shaw that had the last laugh, mind you, even as Hollywood rejected his writing efforts. He simply took two recently-rejected scripts, one for Beverly Hillbillies, and the other, a hilarious piece originally intended for the classic "2 Broke Girls," and combined the scripts in order to create this four-act classic.

If you like Shaw. And misdirection. And buffoonery. With a hint of slapstick, wisecracking, and dentistry, then this thing is a must.
600 reviews12 followers
August 18, 2018
"You Never Can Tell" was significantly longer than any other Shaw play I've read so far. I felt it was puffed up with a lot of silly fluff. I suspect it could play better on the stage in the hands of gifted actors than on the page.

Three siblings, all around twenty plus or minus, return to England with their mother after spending most of their lives abroad in Madeira. At first I thought Shaw was going to have them meet several possible fathers through the play, with much enjoyable confusion as to who the real one was. But no, it's the guy you suspect from the first act. There's no suspense.

There were some funny bits, and I enjoyed the character of the waiter, Walter, who is the source of the play's title. But overall I didn't care for this play as much as some others of Shaw's works.
74 reviews
January 28, 2026
"We don't bother much about dress or manner in England, because, as a nation, we don't dress well, and we've no manners".
This is very witty and clever and fun and silly and a good time. It also feels quite pointless. Characters are enjoyable and likeable and even interesting and yet they seem to die with the play, the movement of which feels utterly pointless throughout. It feels very Bourgeoise in its aspects of high society - and one might point out the satirical aspects of this play, but nonetheless there is pleasure for all of them at the end - with its arbitrary movements and obsession with fanciful airs and reputation.
I don't know, I like aspects of this and dislike quite a bit - Gloria's journey is particularly quite egregious in its ending, and I just feel nothing unfortunately. It is fun. It doesn't feel like much else.
Profile Image for Taylor's♡Shelf.
769 reviews1 follower
February 14, 2021
Another great from George Bernard Shaw. 

Doctor Valentine may be one of my favourite GBS characters now. The hot-and-cold connection between him and Gloria may have been one of the most entertaining aspects of the play. Phillip was great too. I may try implementing 'ivory snatcher' and 'gum architect' into a conversation and see if anyone catches my drift.  
1 review
November 28, 2020
Enjoyable!

The book is lighthearted and a mystery leading to fun discoveries along the way. Easy read with unexpected turns about a "crazy" family. Gave it a 4 because well written and it is, after all, authored by George Bernard Shaw.
Profile Image for Jillian.
1,222 reviews18 followers
September 16, 2024
I listened to this one on the way back from the seaside, fittingly enough. I had some quibbles about the ending and the purpose of the younger Bohun, but overall it was an amusing and enjoyable ride, with entertaining characters and some great exchanges and bits.
Profile Image for Stephanie.
614 reviews62 followers
October 5, 2017
A fun beach side read. A great book to listen to while doing other things. It's ighthearted, easy to follow, and enjoyable.
Profile Image for ines.
290 reviews6 followers
March 12, 2018
شيّق !الترجمة لخالد حداد
Profile Image for Ahmad El-Saeed.
832 reviews42 followers
November 22, 2020
"ليس من التوفيق أن يولد انسان وليس من التوفيق ان يتزوج، وليس من التوفيق أن يعيش. "


القصة عن عائلة أم وابن وابنة يتسائل الاطفال عن ابويهما، فيما بعد يقابلان ابواهما وتتوالى الاحداث.
Profile Image for Ron.
682 reviews17 followers
October 26, 2021
Fun but takes itself too seriously, product of its time perhaps
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