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The Book of Boundaries
Set the limits that will set you free. From the beloved co-founder of the Whole30, this straightforward and practical guide to setting boundaries will revolutionize your relationships.
Do your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries.
Since launching the mega-bestselling wellness program the Whole30, Melissa Urban has taught millions of people how to establish healthy habits and successfully navigate pushback and peer pressure. She knows firsthand that boundaries—clear limits you establish to protect your energy, time, and health—are all that stand between you and feelings of security, confidence, and freedom.
Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships.
In her famously direct and compassionate style, Urban offers:
• 130+ scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself
• actionable advice to help you communicate your needs with clarity and compassion
• tips for successfully navigating boundary guilt, pushback, pressure, and oversteps
• techniques to create healthy habits around food, drink, technology, and more
User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer
Do your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries.
Since launching the mega-bestselling wellness program the Whole30, Melissa Urban has taught millions of people how to establish healthy habits and successfully navigate pushback and peer pressure. She knows firsthand that boundaries—clear limits you establish to protect your energy, time, and health—are all that stand between you and feelings of security, confidence, and freedom.
Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships.
In her famously direct and compassionate style, Urban offers:
• 130+ scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself
• actionable advice to help you communicate your needs with clarity and compassion
• tips for successfully navigating boundary guilt, pushback, pressure, and oversteps
• techniques to create healthy habits around food, drink, technology, and more
User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer
368 pages, Hardcover
First published October 11, 2022
1796 people are currently reading
22089 people want to read
About the author
Melissa Urban
35 books770 followersMelissa Urban is CEO of the Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 791 reviews
June 9, 2022
A practical, helpful book that's also hilarious and a real page-turner, on the question of how to create healthy boundaries.
November 4, 2023
A long book review forthcoming. If that isn't your cup of tea, just apply a personal boundary and say, 'not for me,' and move on. Boundaries, you see, work both ways: protecting intrusions into our personal space/time, but also to managing our own urges to step out into others' and perhaps involve ourselves in something that isn't to our benefit. The idea that a boundary isn't about controlling others is a key point, and I appreciate that Urban makes it early.
"Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe."
Many people think boundary work isn't for them, and yet most people will also state they are uncomfortable with conflict, and if there is one thing healthy boundaries are good at, it's awareness and opening discussion on those little oversteps and microaggressions. (For those who think they never have any conflict, I'd ask you to check in with your privilege--as one of my other books recently said, "maybe you're the dick among your friends").
"Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit."
Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs.
It's an interesting book, blending personal experience, psychology, and advice. It's broken into three parts, 'Boundary Beginnings,' 'Practice,' and 'Benefits.' 'Practice' is by far the largest section and reads somewhat like an advice column. The 'Practice' is broken up into eight relationship categories: parents/in-laws, friends/neighbors, workplace, co-parents, romantic partners, food/alcohol, triggers, and yourself. I appreciate her including setting boundaries with ourselves as part of healthy behavior.
"But through the lens of boundaries, it’s obvious how my desire to numb and run away, and the lack of any healthy limits to protect my physical and mental health, turned into a full-blown drug addiction."
She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary:
"Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.”
Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes:
"Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)"
Still, boundary work is useful, because it helps a person think through what might be triggering or impacting them, and how a conversational check might alleviate the situation.
There are certainly oversimplifications here, but I appreciate the supportive approach that speaks to the need for people to identify and speak their boundaries without controlling others. The use of many examples can be helpful, but can also be overwhelming if you try to read in one chunk, so this was a book I picked up off and on. Besides, I wanted the message to settle into my brain. I periodically revisit it, as I find that I have a need to enforce some boundaries and my old squishy-patterns were ineffective ways of communication. I highly recommend this to anyone who routinely cares about the happiness of people around them.
"I was so focused on making sure everyone else was comfortable that I stopped asking myself, “What do I need in this moment?”
"Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person, they’re about the limits you put in place around yourself to stay healthy and safe."
Many people think boundary work isn't for them, and yet most people will also state they are uncomfortable with conflict, and if there is one thing healthy boundaries are good at, it's awareness and opening discussion on those little oversteps and microaggressions. (For those who think they never have any conflict, I'd ask you to check in with your privilege--as one of my other books recently said, "maybe you're the dick among your friends").
"Boundaries are established to help you plan and communicate your response to what other people say or do. In a healthy boundary practice, you’ll notice how other people’s behavior impacts you, communicate your healthy limit in relation to that behavior, then consider what you are willing to do to enforce that limit."
Urban, for better or worse, is the creator of the The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom plan. She says this book was born partly out of helping herself and her clients comfortably say 'no' to dietary choices. Success there led to people asking for help with "their pushy co-worker, toxic mother-in-law, and nosy neighbor." She notes that her own upbringing ill-prepared her for setting healthy boundaries, and that learning how to set them saved her from a life, perhaps literally, as she was addicted to alcohol and drugs.
It's an interesting book, blending personal experience, psychology, and advice. It's broken into three parts, 'Boundary Beginnings,' 'Practice,' and 'Benefits.' 'Practice' is by far the largest section and reads somewhat like an advice column. The 'Practice' is broken up into eight relationship categories: parents/in-laws, friends/neighbors, workplace, co-parents, romantic partners, food/alcohol, triggers, and yourself. I appreciate her including setting boundaries with ourselves as part of healthy behavior.
"But through the lens of boundaries, it’s obvious how my desire to numb and run away, and the lack of any healthy limits to protect my physical and mental health, turned into a full-blown drug addiction."
She suggests thinking about applying boundaries in three steps: green, yellow, and red, following our less-than delightful need for thought simplification. 'Green' ones are gentle ways we may try to redirect people, or state our needs. One of insights Urban brings is that boundaries are actually done with compassion: it is not unkind to tell someone (or yourself) 'no,' if it is in service of a higher good. And it can be done nicely, without being mean (those of you in the midwest can breathe easier). This, I think, is a telling example of how many of us have boundaries that we don't like enforcing when she discusses how 'soft' reactions are really bad attempts at making a boundary:
"Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.”
Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes:
"Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)"
Still, boundary work is useful, because it helps a person think through what might be triggering or impacting them, and how a conversational check might alleviate the situation.
There are certainly oversimplifications here, but I appreciate the supportive approach that speaks to the need for people to identify and speak their boundaries without controlling others. The use of many examples can be helpful, but can also be overwhelming if you try to read in one chunk, so this was a book I picked up off and on. Besides, I wanted the message to settle into my brain. I periodically revisit it, as I find that I have a need to enforce some boundaries and my old squishy-patterns were ineffective ways of communication. I highly recommend this to anyone who routinely cares about the happiness of people around them.
"I was so focused on making sure everyone else was comfortable that I stopped asking myself, “What do I need in this moment?”
January 9, 2024
This subject and even cover art are so clearly stolen from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”. The color blocking of the cover is similar, and she even use the same cover font as Tawwab! It’s like she wasn’t even trying to hide it.
Written (possibly—who knows how much is actually the author’s own words) by a someone with absolutely no qualifications on this subject (her bio literally says, “and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits,” which means nothing in terms of credentials), this book a clear appropriation of Tawaab, except without any credit. Urban isn’t even a dietician or nutritionist! She’s not qualified in her own lane, never mind someone else’s. This is not to bash her as a woman—I respect her desire to help others and also commend her for her openness about her addiction recovery—but this is certainly a criticism of yet another wealthy, white, unqualified influencer figure appropriating the work of Black people, in particular a Black licensed clinical social worker. If you’re interested in learning more about boundaries from someone who knows what they’re talking about (because they went to school for it and don’t just rely on lived experience alone) get Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” instead.
Written (possibly—who knows how much is actually the author’s own words) by a someone with absolutely no qualifications on this subject (her bio literally says, “and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits,” which means nothing in terms of credentials), this book a clear appropriation of Tawaab, except without any credit. Urban isn’t even a dietician or nutritionist! She’s not qualified in her own lane, never mind someone else’s. This is not to bash her as a woman—I respect her desire to help others and also commend her for her openness about her addiction recovery—but this is certainly a criticism of yet another wealthy, white, unqualified influencer figure appropriating the work of Black people, in particular a Black licensed clinical social worker. If you’re interested in learning more about boundaries from someone who knows what they’re talking about (because they went to school for it and don’t just rely on lived experience alone) get Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” instead.
January 28, 2025
۳.۵ از ۵
(امتیازی که دادم دلیل بر خوب نبودن کتاب نیست؛ بلکه چون پادکستهای روانشناسی بسیاری گوش میدم و کتابهای روانشناسی مشابهی هم خوندم، نمیتونم بگم صد در صد مطالب این کتاب جدید بود.)
بنظرم حد و مرز تعیین کردن برای فرهنگ ما ایرانیها که پر از تعارف و مراعات حال دیگران و سعی در حفظ ظاهره، خیلی سختتر از چیزیه که خانم نویسنده بهش اشاره کرده؛ اما در هر صورت، این کتابیه که اگه دست من بود، همه رو اجبار میکردم به خوندنش!
(امتیازی که دادم دلیل بر خوب نبودن کتاب نیست؛ بلکه چون پادکستهای روانشناسی بسیاری گوش میدم و کتابهای روانشناسی مشابهی هم خوندم، نمیتونم بگم صد در صد مطالب این کتاب جدید بود.)
بنظرم حد و مرز تعیین کردن برای فرهنگ ما ایرانیها که پر از تعارف و مراعات حال دیگران و سعی در حفظ ظاهره، خیلی سختتر از چیزیه که خانم نویسنده بهش اشاره کرده؛ اما در هر صورت، این کتابیه که اگه دست من بود، همه رو اجبار میکردم به خوندنش!
October 11, 2022
Sometimes in life you are looking for something and it falls in your lap, when you least expect it. The Book of Boundaries is just that for me. I was searching for ways to set stop the people in my life from using me, walking all over me, and I truly needed to balance myself and stop living my life pleasing others at the detriment to myself.
The Green, Yellow, Red approach will help me immensely, it's a great tool for my toolbox, helping me to not feel badly for setting limits with certain people.
I absolutely recommend this book to anyone who is struggling and looking for self help with this matter.
The Green, Yellow, Red approach will help me immensely, it's a great tool for my toolbox, helping me to not feel badly for setting limits with certain people.
I absolutely recommend this book to anyone who is struggling and looking for self help with this matter.
November 3, 2022
This could have been a five page essay.
Read
February 1, 2025Took me two years to finish (I ended up completely restarting it a few weeks ago) but I'm glad to have read it!
March 26, 2024
So, this book couldn't have come at a better time.
I was frustrated with some of the results I was getting in life. People, and even my spouse was frustrating me to no end.
Then I realized, with this book, that I needed to establish boundaries with the people I care about so I could also take care of myself in the process.
What I loved about this book is not only does the author communicate that boundaries are healthy for our mental well-being, but she also tells us how to do it in an honest but assertive way.
For eye-opening and would recommend it to anyone who needs boundaries.
I was frustrated with some of the results I was getting in life. People, and even my spouse was frustrating me to no end.
Then I realized, with this book, that I needed to establish boundaries with the people I care about so I could also take care of myself in the process.
What I loved about this book is not only does the author communicate that boundaries are healthy for our mental well-being, but she also tells us how to do it in an honest but assertive way.
For eye-opening and would recommend it to anyone who needs boundaries.
May 3, 2023
good info but i got annoyed with the author constantly bragging about her accomplishments. hated how the opening page was her bragging about being a CEO
January 24, 2024
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. WILLING TO DO:
- Boundaries help you plan and communicate what you are willing to do. They are for YOU, not about controlling others.
- Would a healthy person do X?
- Setting a limit that hasn’t been established. Readjustments are needed.
2. ENERGY LEAKAGE:
- feeling worse after interacting with a negative person. Avoidance.
3. PEACE:
- Keeping the peace = uncomfortable denial of needs.
- Clear Is Kind: Boundaries need to be direct.
- Don’t explain boundaries to get approval.
- I’m no longer willing to betray myself to make someone else feel comfortable.
4. BOUNDARY CORRECTION:
- That doesn’t feel good to me.
- Emotional dumping or energy vampires need a boundary correction.
5. RELATIONSHIPS:
- You can do it any way you want.
- Please don’t assign me feelings
6. OTHERS OPINIONS:
- Nobody is entitled to your personal history or current situation.
- “Oh, no thank you. We are not looking for outside opinions on that subject.”
7. SELF-BOUNDARIES:
- do the things that create freedom and remove consequences.
1. WILLING TO DO:
- Boundaries help you plan and communicate what you are willing to do. They are for YOU, not about controlling others.
- Would a healthy person do X?
- Setting a limit that hasn’t been established. Readjustments are needed.
2. ENERGY LEAKAGE:
- feeling worse after interacting with a negative person. Avoidance.
3. PEACE:
- Keeping the peace = uncomfortable denial of needs.
- Clear Is Kind: Boundaries need to be direct.
- Don’t explain boundaries to get approval.
- I’m no longer willing to betray myself to make someone else feel comfortable.
4. BOUNDARY CORRECTION:
- That doesn’t feel good to me.
- Emotional dumping or energy vampires need a boundary correction.
5. RELATIONSHIPS:
- You can do it any way you want.
- Please don’t assign me feelings
6. OTHERS OPINIONS:
- Nobody is entitled to your personal history or current situation.
- “Oh, no thank you. We are not looking for outside opinions on that subject.”
7. SELF-BOUNDARIES:
- do the things that create freedom and remove consequences.
July 1, 2022
Do you get sucked into one-sided relationships where you are constantly giving-in just so the other person won't be angry? Are you tired of putting everyone else's needs and feelings above your own?
This book will change your life..
Melissa Urban outlines with clear language and a ton of engaging examples how to establish boundaries in your relationships with friends, strangers, neighbors, work colleagues and family. For any given situation, she gives three sample responses that she labels green, amber and red. A green response is an initial/friendly suggestion of how to convey your needs in the face of someone taking advantage. The amber, as you would expect, is a slightly firmer approach when the green didn't work and the bad behavior continues. The red is firmer yet -- essentially code-red.
The book is a highly readable compilation of relationship dilemmas but it's also the kind of book you'll keep in your bottom drawer for quick reference to help you out of the next sticky situation.
Highly recommended.
#netgalley
This book will change your life..
Melissa Urban outlines with clear language and a ton of engaging examples how to establish boundaries in your relationships with friends, strangers, neighbors, work colleagues and family. For any given situation, she gives three sample responses that she labels green, amber and red. A green response is an initial/friendly suggestion of how to convey your needs in the face of someone taking advantage. The amber, as you would expect, is a slightly firmer approach when the green didn't work and the bad behavior continues. The red is firmer yet -- essentially code-red.
The book is a highly readable compilation of relationship dilemmas but it's also the kind of book you'll keep in your bottom drawer for quick reference to help you out of the next sticky situation.
Highly recommended.
#netgalley
May 26, 2023
Извонредна!
Многу практична и лесна книга за како да воспоставите граници со луѓе. Луѓе од секоја област во нашиот живот, па дури и со самите себеси. Книгава ветува многу уште од самиот почеток, интересна е и многу забавна. Баш ми се допадна.
Топла препорака! 🤗
Многу практична и лесна книга за како да воспоставите граници со луѓе. Луѓе од секоја област во нашиот живот, па дури и со самите себеси. Книгава ветува многу уште од самиот почеток, интересна е и многу забавна. Баш ми се допадна.
Топла препорака! 🤗
February 15, 2024
"Cartea limitelor" este una dintre cele mai bune non-ficțiuni citite de la începutul anului din care mi-am luat multe idei utile despre limite, despre cum să comunic eficient, despre ambele "tabere" - cei care setează limite și cei care încearcă să treacă peste ele.
Nu este deloc o carte plictisitoare, ci un ghid cu scenarii pentru orice fel de situație în care ai avea nevoie să pui în aplicare o limită de la discuțiile incomode despre copii, căsătorie și greutate până la limitele pe care este nevoie să ni le impunem propriilor persoane.
3 idei cu care am rămas la finalul lecturii:
- pentru a seta o limită ai nevoie să identifici necesitatea unei limite, să îți expui clar și folosind un limbaj pașnic limita și să menții limita apelând la consecințe dacă limita este încălcată
- limitele setate corect te vor elibera, îți vor aduce liniștea de care ai atât de multă nevoie și te vor ajuta să vezi totul mai clar
- nu este responsabilitatea ta modul în care cei din jur reacționează la limita pe care ai impus-o, ci este a lor.
Nu este deloc o carte plictisitoare, ci un ghid cu scenarii pentru orice fel de situație în care ai avea nevoie să pui în aplicare o limită de la discuțiile incomode despre copii, căsătorie și greutate până la limitele pe care este nevoie să ni le impunem propriilor persoane.
3 idei cu care am rămas la finalul lecturii:
- pentru a seta o limită ai nevoie să identifici necesitatea unei limite, să îți expui clar și folosind un limbaj pașnic limita și să menții limita apelând la consecințe dacă limita este încălcată
- limitele setate corect te vor elibera, îți vor aduce liniștea de care ai atât de multă nevoie și te vor ajuta să vezi totul mai clar
- nu este responsabilitatea ta modul în care cei din jur reacționează la limita pe care ai impus-o, ci este a lor.
June 25, 2023
I guess I am alone in my opinion of this book. I was really excited about it because I definitely struggle with boundaries and being a people pleaser at times. Not always but when I do, I really struggle.
I do understand impersonal communication though and think a lot of her responses that are indeed her boundaries, are said in a rather aggressive way that gives a lot of ultimatums. I do notice she offers different colors for different levels of seriousness. she doesn’t really give the impression she knows what she’s talking about.
I believe that there is a way to say things that can be kind and very stern at the same time. I am not sure I always get that vibe from this book so I didn’t finish it. Maybe reading more would have changed things but I just didn’t relate to how she approaches things.
Hoping it helps some though!
I do understand impersonal communication though and think a lot of her responses that are indeed her boundaries, are said in a rather aggressive way that gives a lot of ultimatums. I do notice she offers different colors for different levels of seriousness. she doesn’t really give the impression she knows what she’s talking about.
I believe that there is a way to say things that can be kind and very stern at the same time. I am not sure I always get that vibe from this book so I didn’t finish it. Maybe reading more would have changed things but I just didn’t relate to how she approaches things.
Hoping it helps some though!
December 23, 2023
Printre cele mai bune nonficțiuni din ultima vreme.
Nu ai cum să nu iei ceva folositor din ea. Te simți înțeles, susținut, îndrumat.
Cu toții avem nevoie de limite mai bine delimitate și ușor de implementat și respectat. Eu am avut ocazia să beneficiez de liniștea oferită de anumite limite pe care le-am pus în ultimii ani și pot să spun că e super mulțumitor.
Nu ai cum să nu iei ceva folositor din ea. Te simți înțeles, susținut, îndrumat.
Cu toții avem nevoie de limite mai bine delimitate și ușor de implementat și respectat. Eu am avut ocazia să beneficiez de liniștea oferită de anumite limite pe care le-am pus în ultimii ani și pot să spun că e super mulțumitor.
January 19, 2024
DNF at pg 163
Lots of information on boundaries around family and friends; which is not what I am looking for. There is also minimal to no research or studies backing up her claims, only stories folks have shared with her. Made me doubt the credibility of the advice a bit (because she’s not a licensed psychologist, social worker, or a psychiatrist.)
Lots of information on boundaries around family and friends; which is not what I am looking for. There is also minimal to no research or studies backing up her claims, only stories folks have shared with her. Made me doubt the credibility of the advice a bit (because she’s not a licensed psychologist, social worker, or a psychiatrist.)
March 14, 2024
My therapist recommended this book and it did not let me down! I wish I could’ve read this book at age 20 and age 25 - it would have immensely helped a younger me
June 28, 2024
very needed!
February 8, 2024
This was my first time really digging into the topic of boundaries & it opened my eyes in a big way, especially with boundaries that involve other people. The scenarios made it helpful to process how to approach boundaries in various situations and I also learned how to better be a boundary supporter/responder towards others. I love the sentiment that understanding your own boundaries also sets you up to help understand & respect the boundaries of others.
January 16, 2023
Deeply practical and thought-provoking. I learned a lot, and hope to put this into practice very shortly.
Much to think about!
Much to think about!
February 21, 2023
This book offers some great examples of when to set boundaries AND example scripts to do so
October 5, 2022
Thank you to Melissa Urban and NetGalley for this ARC and allowing me to be a part of the launch team in exchange for an honest review!
These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language.
This is what The Book of Boundaries does best, and I wish I'd had a copy when I was a young adult navigating the waters of dating, moving out on my own, my relationship with alcohol in my mid-20s, and definitely my bedside nursing career. As someone with people pleasing and codependent tendencies, I had spent a lot of energy suppressing my needs in order to be seen as "good" or obedient or compliant.
Melissa's (of course, we're on a first name basis) organization of the topic is perfection- guiding you through different areas of your life that likely need boundaries. She preaches to be clear and kind, that boundaries are about what YOU will do (not controlling the other person). She provides scripts, coded by color (green, yellow, red) in progressing order of firmness, for a variety of topics. They are wonderful and fabulous, but also might even open your eyes to a world that might feel scary at first- speaking with honesty and authenticity.
My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations.
Overall, I will be recommending this to all my clients who struggle to set their own boundaries! I recommend that you buy the physical book so that you have something to reference and go back to. Not ever section is for everyone, but if you choose to read the whole thing, I promise you'll get something out of everything.
4.5 stars
These past three years have been a crash course in learning how to set boundaries that have been a requirement for my own and my family's mental and physical health. They have finally come into the spotlight as a form of SELF CARE. However, despite even helping my clients set them, I still struggle with putting my needs into clear, kind language.
This is what The Book of Boundaries does best, and I wish I'd had a copy when I was a young adult navigating the waters of dating, moving out on my own, my relationship with alcohol in my mid-20s, and definitely my bedside nursing career. As someone with people pleasing and codependent tendencies, I had spent a lot of energy suppressing my needs in order to be seen as "good" or obedient or compliant.
Melissa's (of course, we're on a first name basis) organization of the topic is perfection- guiding you through different areas of your life that likely need boundaries. She preaches to be clear and kind, that boundaries are about what YOU will do (not controlling the other person). She provides scripts, coded by color (green, yellow, red) in progressing order of firmness, for a variety of topics. They are wonderful and fabulous, but also might even open your eyes to a world that might feel scary at first- speaking with honesty and authenticity.
My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations.
Overall, I will be recommending this to all my clients who struggle to set their own boundaries! I recommend that you buy the physical book so that you have something to reference and go back to. Not ever section is for everyone, but if you choose to read the whole thing, I promise you'll get something out of everything.
4.5 stars
April 30, 2024
It's not a self help book. It's almost a handbook for people pleasers, those who avoid confrontation, and struggle to set boundaries--you learn exactly what to say to people in certain situations. At the end of the book, I realised that half of the problems that I struggle with can be solved with boundaries. And my life would become much less complicated if I had the courage and language to set boundaries. And this book is a great first step towards that.
February 22, 2023
I wanted to like this and even agree with a lot of her points. I’m not sure that being willing to discuss boundaries makes one a qualified expert on the topic. Would have loved to see some additional research or expert opinions.
March 24, 2024
1.5 I’m glad this book has been helpful for some people but it truly could’ve been condensed into 30 pages and been just as enriching. The author mentioned her accomplishments frequently, but many of them did not seem relevant.
February 7, 2023
Not an expert on the subject. Very broad and obvious examples. So many better, professional books written on this topic. Do not waste your time.
May 18, 2024
300+ pages of explanation was 200 pages too many.
March 7, 2023
I must admit, I approached this non-fiction book with trepidation. They usually take me a while to read and also remind me too much of College and studying.
I was interested in this book to understand more about setting boundaries, both for myself and a family member. I feel that I learned the ‘hard way’ and was rewarded to see that I had set many boundaries correctly. This book puts things succinctly. Three zones: green, yellow and red. It was helpful to categorize issues and get ideas on how to tackle setting the go, no-go behaviours. The hardest part, taking the first step.
I find setting boundaries with strangers is easy. With family, I enter the yellow zone. The tools in this book make it a good, worthwhile read. And, no exams!
I was interested in this book to understand more about setting boundaries, both for myself and a family member. I feel that I learned the ‘hard way’ and was rewarded to see that I had set many boundaries correctly. This book puts things succinctly. Three zones: green, yellow and red. It was helpful to categorize issues and get ideas on how to tackle setting the go, no-go behaviours. The hardest part, taking the first step.
I find setting boundaries with strangers is easy. With family, I enter the yellow zone. The tools in this book make it a good, worthwhile read. And, no exams!
October 7, 2022
Some of the most catchy statements about limits and boundaries come from commercials. One warns about driving under intoxication: "If you drink, don't drive. If you drive, don't drink." Another cautions us about the dangers of gambling: "Know your limits. Stay within it." If we look beyond these two social ills, we soon realize that limits apply to a broader sphere of life. That includes our personal and social boundaries. What are boundaries? How do we create healthy boundaries? Why do we need boundaries in the first place? What are the benefits of establishing boundaries? Author Melissa Urban is popularly known as the "boundary lady on Instagram." she shares how she boldly draws boundaries by expressing no to business proposals; limiting any interference on her parenting styles; telling friends where are the no-go zones; and even learning to be assertive with one's spouse. These are just examples of how boundaries can help us and others know, respect, and appreciate why we set boundaries. Healthy engagement needs healthy boundaries. Such boundaries are not there to control people's involvement but to communicate expectations. This is important lest people misunderstand the purpose. Before the author launches into the book, she shares her story of how boundaries saved her. Soon she discovers that it not only sets proper limits in her relationships, she feels free to thrive and help others thrive.
Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about:
- Using colours to designate different kinds of boundaries
- Principle of minimum dose for maximum effect
- Setting boundaries in the workplace, professional boundaries, and dealing with ethical dilemmas
- Setting boundaries with extended family members
- Setting boundaries with neighbours, friends, romance, co-parents, and others
- Learning to state expectations upfront when dealing with food, alcohol, table talk, and other sensitive subjects
- and many more.
My Thoughts
==============
This book's title essentially summarizes the essence of the author's message. Urban has made a strong case by telling her stories, the background behind her convictions, and the critical need for more boundaries in society. It is her firm belief that setting boundaries are the way to go. I believe she has a strong point, especially in the area of relationships. Whether we are meeting people we know, acquaintances, or strangers, it is always good to have a plan on how to engage as well as how to disengage. I believe that boundaries are not only beneficial for relationships, they can help us grow deeper without feeling uncertain or weird. I like the point that the author distinguishes, that boundaries are not about controlling but communicating. When stating a boundary, we are communicating an expectation. Of course, in any relationship, for example with friends, boundaries are best established together with the other party. One can state the boundary but the other party must be free to negotiate, accept, or reject. The best outcome would be from the former two. Handling it incorrectly might be detrimental to the relationship. Urban guides us with many examples.
The concept of boundaries is nothing new. I remember in the late 90s, there was a popular book entitled "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. One of the words used in that book is about "control." That kind of language might be acceptable two decades ago. In contemporary times, the preferred word is "communicate" as "control" has negative connotations for now. Perhaps, the author has subtly pushed back against the use of that word in that Cloud/Townsend's book. For me, both are essentially pointing out the same thing: Healthy boundaries are essential for relationships.
Let me add a final observation. This is about cultural differences. The methods of setting boundaries are more acceptable in Western-educated societies. In some other cultures, it might take a long while to gain social acceptance. In fact, in some cultures where elderly respect is expected, setting boundaries like that would be deemed disrespectful. There are also others societies that are patriarchal or lack the kinds of human rights freely practiced in the West. What I would suggest is for readers from such other cultures to remember the concepts first and to take baby steps in learning how to implement them.
Overall, I think this book is a gem in growing relationships. Highly recommended.
Melissa Urban is CEO of Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Penguin Random House and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
Her "crash course" on boundaries simply consists of identifying the need, setting up boundary language, and enforcing it. The steps are clear but what is more challenging is the emotional discomfort that some people might have. This is because setting boundaries might become misconstrued as rude. Once the rationale for boundary setting is understood, readers will learn about:
- Using colours to designate different kinds of boundaries
- Principle of minimum dose for maximum effect
- Setting boundaries in the workplace, professional boundaries, and dealing with ethical dilemmas
- Setting boundaries with extended family members
- Setting boundaries with neighbours, friends, romance, co-parents, and others
- Learning to state expectations upfront when dealing with food, alcohol, table talk, and other sensitive subjects
- and many more.
My Thoughts
==============
This book's title essentially summarizes the essence of the author's message. Urban has made a strong case by telling her stories, the background behind her convictions, and the critical need for more boundaries in society. It is her firm belief that setting boundaries are the way to go. I believe she has a strong point, especially in the area of relationships. Whether we are meeting people we know, acquaintances, or strangers, it is always good to have a plan on how to engage as well as how to disengage. I believe that boundaries are not only beneficial for relationships, they can help us grow deeper without feeling uncertain or weird. I like the point that the author distinguishes, that boundaries are not about controlling but communicating. When stating a boundary, we are communicating an expectation. Of course, in any relationship, for example with friends, boundaries are best established together with the other party. One can state the boundary but the other party must be free to negotiate, accept, or reject. The best outcome would be from the former two. Handling it incorrectly might be detrimental to the relationship. Urban guides us with many examples.
The concept of boundaries is nothing new. I remember in the late 90s, there was a popular book entitled "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. One of the words used in that book is about "control." That kind of language might be acceptable two decades ago. In contemporary times, the preferred word is "communicate" as "control" has negative connotations for now. Perhaps, the author has subtly pushed back against the use of that word in that Cloud/Townsend's book. For me, both are essentially pointing out the same thing: Healthy boundaries are essential for relationships.
Let me add a final observation. This is about cultural differences. The methods of setting boundaries are more acceptable in Western-educated societies. In some other cultures, it might take a long while to gain social acceptance. In fact, in some cultures where elderly respect is expected, setting boundaries like that would be deemed disrespectful. There are also others societies that are patriarchal or lack the kinds of human rights freely practiced in the West. What I would suggest is for readers from such other cultures to remember the concepts first and to take baby steps in learning how to implement them.
Overall, I think this book is a gem in growing relationships. Highly recommended.
Melissa Urban is CEO of Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.
conrade
This book has been provided courtesy of Penguin Random House and NetGalley without requiring a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.
May 11, 2025
Not tryna out myself but this is a great book for people pleasers and peacekeepers like me who have a hard time dealing with conflict in the most honest, clearest, kindest way or whatever
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