I Never Eat... Cheesesteak Author's Preferred Edition

by Paul Lubaczewski

They say life is what happens when you're making other plans. It is also what happens when you need cash to record a demo, but that isn't as catchy in a song, or a meme. Al was coasting through life without a plan or a clue when he was offered a way to make quick cash without doing anything illegal, mainly because killing vampires is not technically against any laws. If he agrees he jump starts his musical career, but on the downside he has to combat the forces of undead evil, including their horrific fashion sense. Will Al survive? Will his punk rocker sister Angie finally dump her loser boyfriend? Will Al's girlfriend come to her senses and dump him? Will Al's gruff partner Abdiel become "woke"? (depends on your definition) Will the citizens of Philadelphia discover the dark festering evil that lurks in their very city?(other than Eagles fans) Will anyone eat an actual cheesesteak? The only way to find out is to read this book, because there will probably never be a Cliff Notes for this one!

Genres: Horror, Humor

491 pages, Paperback

First published June 2, 2019

About the author

Author of numerous horror comedy novels, along with the novella "A New Life" on St. Rooster Books, In addition he has two collections of short stories, "What Is A Paddywack?" and "3 Hits From the Holler" as well as over 80 short stories that have appeared in publications like Weirdbook, Hellfire Crossroads, Schlock, Devoltuion Z, Disturbed Digest, and numerous other publications and anthologies.
It took Paul 5 major cities to realize, he didn't like living in major cities, not even his own birthplace of Philadelphia, so now he lives with his wife and son in a fairytale little town in Appalachia instead. His adult daughters both live in PA, which is havoc on vehicles.

His hobbies are endless.

Reviews

[Dianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vampires…the evil and ominous monsters of the night meet a quirky and rock star wannabe and the results are anything but typical vampire, “I want to suck your blood,” fare. Philadelphia may never be the same.

I NEVER EAT CHEESESTEAK by Paul Lubaczewski is a vampire tale like no other. It also isn’t your typical Rock Star story, or a horrific horror, or a cheesy romance, or, well you get the idea. This is a genre-defying read, a quirky, silly read that is certainly a little off the beaten path, but definitely entertaining in a fluffy, oh my gosh, did I just read that way.

Go ahead, I dare you to try not to smile, smirk or even guffaw even once, through this one! Rolling your eyes is perfectly acceptable, because sometimes reading should be just a little different from the norm!

I received a complimentary copy from Paul Lubaczewski! This honest review is voluntary!

Publication Date: June 10, 2019
Publisher: Paul Lubaczewski
Genre: comedic horror
Print Length: 235 pages
Available from: Amazon | Barnes & Noble
For Reviews, Giveaways, Fabulous Book News, follow: http://tometender.blogspot.com

[Bandit · Rating 3 out of 5]

Though it would be fun to start this review with something like I never read vampire fiction…it wouldn’t be entirely accurate. I do, sometimes, very infrequently and mostly I don’t care for it. It’s one of those things that if not reigned in, ends up too silly within its own creature feature trappings. Few authors get it right. And this one did. And had the grand idea to set it in Philly of all places, his birthplace, a nice place to visit and a sh*tty place to live. The setting was some of the attraction for me, ok, a lot of the attraction, I wanted to see how Philly would do on a page and I must say the author represented it well and accurately…as a lamentable trashheap. No to rag on the place completely, it has a lot of lovely features and a luscious historical past, but outside of the few civilized enclaves of culture and class, it’s a steaming pile of doodoo. Perpetually dirty, rude and notably stupid…this is the city that kills adorable traveling robots and creates the most demented sports mascots. And yet, for our intrepid protagonist Alfonse The Priest Biancardi, call him Al) it’s all he knows, specifically, as the name might give it away, South Philly, which for the uninitiated is essentially like Sopranos setting but way more condensed, with rowhome upon rowhome of close knit mostly Italian neighbors…now, through gentrifying, also featuring millennials. So, as the nickname hints at, once upon a time Al went to a seminary, but then he discovered girls, switched to accounting and became no great success at either. Although he did find some moderate strictly local fame as a guitarist for a band. Which is to say when we meet Al he still lives with his mom and has no money to speak of…the young man is in no shape to turn down a lucrative if questionable job proposition and…end up hunting vampires for a living. And turns out to be good at it. The pay’s nice, he gets his own place, meets a girl, life’s on the upswing all the way…but the vampires, sneaky bastards that they are, well, turns out they are up to something, something evil (obviously) and now Al and co. i.e. friends and family must stand tall and fight, so yes, you do get that epic final battle in the end. That’s basically it. A really fun tale. Fast paced. With a pleasantly not too drawn out finale. You got likeable characters and the entire thing is pretty funny, consistently funny, in fact, but in a mildly amusing way, kinda like the title. It’s an objectively funny and punny title if you know a thing about Philly, but you won’t roll on the floor laughing. Still though…few authors do genre funny well, so kudos must be given where kudos are due. With additional kudos for not making this into a series. And a cherry on top for finally representing the city of brotherly nothing accurately. Plus it’s kinda fun to know exactly where the characters are at any given time and to have thoughts like no, don’t wait 30 minutes for a train at Lombard, dummy, you can walk to Morris in that time. So yeah, this book is fun for locals and visitors…unlike the real deal, which only shines for the latter. Check out Al’s adventures in vampire slaying for yourself, you’re practically guaranteed to be entertained. And just because I can’t help myself…you might even have a bloody good time. You can stake your cheesesteak on it. Oh boy sorry, just…sorry.

[Corrina Morse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I NEVER EAT… CHEESESTEAK by Paul Lubaczewski

This is a vampire tale, with a difference! Vampires are hiring humans to kill other vampires. You see, there are feeders and non-feeders, the feeders are trouble and putting the non-feeders lifestyle at risk! Looking for a way to make some money for his band, Al gets a unique opportunity offered to him. Under the guise of the Peter Cushing Fan Club, Al becomes a vampire hunter! It's good money, and all he has to do to start with, is observe! Between that and his band, Al is a pretty busy guy, then he ups the ante by becoming a full-time vampire killer, instead of just observing, and that's when things get really interesting!
The feeders are starting to wise up to what's going on though, when more and more of them go missing, and they start to retaliate with traps and vengeance on their mind. When Als sister goes missing, he knows it's the feeders and that means war!! The showdown at the end of the story was awesome! And I also loved the extra bit at the end, about Abdiel and what happened to him, from his point of view!

This was a bit of a slow burner, which isn't a bad thing, and there were parts where, in my opinion, there was more information than was necessary, but overall it was a really enjoyable read. Lots of humour, blood and gore, good flow and although it's a big book, I read it in a couple of days!

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

To be fair, I wrote it, so of course I think it's funny.
But that being said, if you like horror, and also like comedy in the vein of the Marx Brothers to Dave Barry, to Terry Pratchett to Christopher Moore and Jeff Strand, this is probably the book for you.

[Damien Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personally, I love Cheesesteak. I would eat it every day if I could. Especially on those… this is a book review. Not a cheesesteak review, sorry. Paul Lubaczewski loves Philly, that much is apparent in this book. It’s a love letter masked as a horror comedy novel; and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s a distinct voice to the storytelling that matches the city perfectly, it’s dirty, it’s filled with language, and most importantly; it’s passionate. Paul brings a whole new spin to the vampire mythos, creating a world where people take a vampire hunting job as quickly as they would an over night stocker job. Same thing really if you spell stocker differently. Paul nails the sad life of a musician trying to find that one gig while working a day job. There’s a sense of loss and longing to it. He’s even managed to fit a sweet little romance in here. It’s a banger. Anyway, this book is filled with humor, some great horror moments, and a ton of heart.

[Kelly A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love comedy and am not so big on horror. This book has a bit of both so I was hesitant to read it. I am happy I took the leap. This was a great take on the vampire story. Quirky, comedic writing melds with the classic vampire. If you like horror, lightened with humor and rock and roll set in the interesting backdrop of all that is Philadelphia. Read. This. Book. I found myself laughing from the beginning.

[Kaitlyn Mallabone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best vamp novel of the 2000's

I've read a lot of vampire novels over the years. A lot of them take themselves way to seriously. This on the other hand adds a great twist of modern era and comedy. The author pokes fun at the cliche of vamps as well as pointing out the oddities of Philadelphia. I can't wait to read more from this author. His style is so refreashing to read.

[Mark Burton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hey, If you can't get past the quirky title then you are missing out. Read 'I Never Eat... Cheesesteak' you'll be all the happier for it. I'm a born and bred Philly guy so of course I loved the Philly setting and the myriad of Philly references and 'things'.... but its more then just that so enjoy Mr Lubaczewski's 'take' on the genre, along with his wit. Wadda got ta lose...……. ;-)

[Douglas Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have ever picked up a book and found yourself laughing in only the first chapter, then you can understand my experience with I Never Eat... Cheesesteak. This novel was great to read. It had humor, vampires, good characters, and references to Philadelphia that will ring true with any natives of the city. Paul's wit and unique voice reverberate through the storytelling.

[Leslie Lubaczewski · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was a beta reader for this book. I really don't consider myself much of a horror comedy or vampire kind of person, but this book really pulled me in and had me eagerly diving into the next chapter. I highly recommend this book! Great story, cool characters, and laugh out loud humor generously sprinkled throughout.

[Will Greenwood · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really fun tale, and my third Halloween read ( 2 of whcih turned out to be horror-comedies) Fast paced, with a pleasant finale. You got likeable characters and the entire thing is consistently funny and a fun read overall. Recommended.

[GBHBLOfficial · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thankfully, Paul Lubaczewski has a firm grasp on how to integrate black comedy into his horror story. It’s not the kind of comedy that makes you laugh out loud but rather leaves you with a constant wry simple on your face. I imagine natives of Philadelphia will probably get even more enjoyment of it as it is entrenched in the city.

All of this is aided by a cast of characters that are believable, interesting and likeable. It’s not all about Al either as we get a great set of secondary characters that help make the story tick along nicely. Vampire hunting is just part of the tale but relationship problems, family issues and the struggle to make it in the musical world add meat to the bones.

Full Review at -

https://www.gbhbl.com/horror-book-rev...

[Tim Murr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never been a huge fan of horror comedies or vampires, but 'I Never Eat...Cheesesteak' is both and I loved it. No filler, just a fun and fast paced story with a great cast of characters, and a cool spin on the old vampire tale. My full review for Biff Bam Pop is in the link below.
https://biffbampop.com/2019/10/02/31-...

[Paige · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I received this book from the author. Thanks! All opinions are my own.

Book: I Never Eat… Cheesesteak

Author: Paul Lubaczewski

Book Series: Standalone

Rating: 3/5

Publication Date: June 2, 2019

Genre: Humor

Recommended Age: 16+ (violence, gore, vampires)

Publisher: September Sky Press

Pages: 286

Amazon Link

Synopsis: They say life is what happens when you're making other plans. It is also what happens when you need cash to record a demo, but that isn't as catchy in a song, or a meme. Al was coasting through life without a plan or a clue when he was offered a way to make quick cash without doing anything illegal, mainly because killing vampires is not technically against any laws. If he agrees he jump starts his musical career, but on the downside he has to combat the forces of undead evil, including their horrific fashion sense. Will Al survive? Will his punk rocker sister Angie finally dump her loser boyfriend? Will Al's girlfriend come to her senses and dump him? Will Al's gruff partner Abdiel become "woke"? (depends on your definition) Will the citizens of Philadelphia discover the dark festering evil that lurks in their very city?(other than Eagles fans) Will anyone eat an actual cheesesteak? The only way to find out is to read this book, because there will probably never be a Cliff Notes for this one!

Review: I needed a good laugh and I found it in this book. It’s kinda satire about vampires, but it makes fun of the whole cliché of them and how serious they are taken. The book was funny and witty, and it had some great writing and moments.

However, I didn’t think the plot was that good. The book was ok and it was great for someone like me who needed a laugh, but otherwise I’m still not sure what exactly the book was about. But that might be me, I’ve had a rough few days.

Verdict: It was funny!

[Mona Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this story! I bought the authors preferred edit copy and I didn't read the foreword (sorry but I dont watch trailers to movies either)

I highly recommend this book. Definitely in the top 2 of his work. Fun, maybe a little predictable if you're looking out for it but I wouldn't be a horror movie fan if I was 😆, great characters and it left me hoping for a sequel!

[Ben Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fun one, a calculated blend of comedy and some truly horrifying imagery, all wound through a unique conceptual view of vampires and showcasing a thoughtful dedication to the city of Philly. I’ve not read the previous edition, but still think it’s clear Paul put a high degree of care and attention into fine-tuning this story. Highly recommended.

[Craig Brownlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christopher Moore, but punk rock rather than goth; Bram Stoker under a heat lamp at the best diner in Philly (not going to get involved in that argument); sit down with a plate of pasta milanese and a Yuengling, but be careful not to spit take