Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages

by Robin L. Smith

Psychologist Dr. Robin Smith reveals how to turn vows made at the altar into realistic plans for a long and happy marriage. Dr. Robin Smith advises couples on how to take the wedding vows that were made in earnest and in innocence, to a level where they can be used to build a happy, healthy, satisfying and long-lasting marriage. Lies at the Altar is for couples who are planning marriage, are newly married, or who have been married for years. In Lies at the The Truth About Great Marriages, Dr. Robin Smith addresses the unspoken needs, unasked questions, outrageous expectations, and hidden agendas that often linger beneath the surface of the wedding vows and appear later to cause power struggles, suffering, and feelings of hopelessness in marriages. Dr. Smith discusses why it's important to have one's "eyes wide open" in a marriage; how to write true vows to live by; and why it's never too late to rewrite your vows. She illustrates her advice with detailed stories from her own life, as well as from couples that she has counseled. And in her inspiring conclusion, she invites couples to light up their lives by acknowledging each other as individuals, each of whom lights a candle, and who lights a third candle which represents "us". Calling "truth" the secret ingredient of great marriages, Dr. Smith teaches individuals and couples how to find the truth within themselves and their partners, whether they are heading to the altar, suffering in an unhappy marriage, divorced, or simply want to bring more satisfaction and intimacy into their relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Marriage, Counselling

241 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2006

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to read no matter what kind of relationship you are in. Read before I was married and learned a lot. One I will read again in a few years and will most likely learn more new things from it. Author doesn't say how wonderful her marriage is and that everyone should be like her. Most of the stuff she talks about she went through herself and is giving advice on how to improve the situations or avoid them all together.

[Kris (My Novelesque Life) · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 STARS

"For those who are about to walk down the aisle, for those who are already married, and for those contemplating a deeper commitment, Dr. Robin Smith's Lies at the Altar addresses the unspoken needs, unasked questions, outrageous expectations, and hidden agendas that damage relationships. By examining traditional, nondenominational wedding vows, Dr. Robin shows how to use them to build a happy, healthy, satisfying, and long-lasting marriage--the kind of marriage many of us have never even imagined. With moving stories and personal anecdotes, Dr. Robin reveals why it's vital to keep one's eyes wide open in a marriage; how to write rules to live by; and why it's never too late to rewrite wedding vows. Especially useful are her 276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry, which will open new lines of communication and help couples to create their own Truth--the secret ingredient to any great marriage." (From Amazon)

Its is an interesting book that looks at why people get married and if you should without being preachy. Not bad for an Oprah affiliated book.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man....do i have a lot to say about this book... This book was good for me while I was married and after...and truthfully I wish i would have had something like this to read before I got married. This book doesnt' tell you that your marriage is bad or anything like that, but it goes into more of how to make it good. how to make one work and how it won't work if....
so good. i recommend it to EVERYONE

[Karan Johnstone · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've got to stop getting all these books that Oprah recommends. After 4 years, I still haven't finished this book!

[Rosalyn Leigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

it's hard for me to rate this. while i enjoyed it for the most part and even found myself nodding my head in agreement with some of the points made here it was hard for me to take the author's words to mean that she is completely all-knowing. she's very confident in her opinions and takes on each of the situations she used in here to demonstrate her points on "lies at the altar" but i couldn't take everything she said in stride. i noticed that pretty much all of her marriage counseling scenarios ended with her patrons being able to "fix" their problems. there were no failures whatsoever and almost everyone pretty much ends up happily ever after. this just seems so unrealistic, especially for a nonfiction read. it gave me the feeling that the author was much more arrogant than she lets on. i couldn't help but to wonder "who the hell does she think she is?". she's a professional marriage counselor, yes, but does that automatically make her right? she goes completely off of the knowledge and lingering feelings from her own past bad relationship and references several married couples' lives together (for better or worse but mostly worse) as if to say that this is enough, all that she needs to prove her stance. i guess my biggest problem is that the author is far too optimistic about successful marriage, specifically with the people who come through her office. i can't say that enough.

[Thata · Rating 4 out of 5]

Masuk ke dalam perkawinan memang bukan masuk ke dalam dunia dongeng. Tetapi juga bukan memasuki medan pertempuran.

Perkawinan adalah babak lain kehidupan bagi yang baru saja memulainya. Dan sebagaimana babak- babak lain dalam kehidupan, di dalamnya ada usaha, dan pemikiran supaya tidak terlilit masalah, dan mampu mengatasi bila ternyata ada masalah.

Buku yang harus dibaca bagi mereka yang sedang mencari pasangan hidup, berencana menikah, atau sudah menikah dan ingin terus menjalaninya tanpa merasa terpaksa.

Go read it!

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

For anyone who is thinking about getting married, you should read this book. Dr. Smith helps you and your partner analyze yourself as an indivdual, each other's separate beliefs, and what you expect out of each other and the relationship. She includes quizzes and prompt questins to help you and your partner anticpate the future. In other words, she helps you look beyond the Hollywood reason for getting married, ("We are so in love.")
Defintely take a look at the book, it can only help you and your partner understand each other better.

[Rahmadiyanti · Rating 3 out of 5]

Buku yang berusaha menggali lebih dalam tentang sejauh mana mestinya seseorang menghadapi dan menjalani pernikahan yang sehat (bukan karena terpaksa, tuntutan usia, lingkungan, dsb). Sudut pandangnya menarik, meski beberapa bagian menurut saya terlalu detail, dan apakah perlu? Tapi sejauh bijak melihatnya, saya pikir buku ini bagus untuk dibaca. Bukan hanya oleh pasangan yang akan/mau menikah, tapi juga yang telah menikah. 31/2 bintang lah.

[Tinsley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to read this for a Sociology class and I knew going into it, it wasn't going to be smart for me. I'm not good with self help books.

But this was so insightful and it really made you think. I learned a lot about myself and my relationship just from reading this. I liked the little exercises too!

[Devon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Even though I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon, I picked up this book because I love Dr. Robin. This is a must read for anyone contemplating marriage or anyone who wants to improve the quality of their relationship.

[Noelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book personally and will use it over and over again in counseling couples in my private practice. This is a book EVERY couple should read before being in a committed relationship or getting married.

[Michelle Alstead · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It's the most helpful relationship book I have ever read. It's great for if you're dating, not dating, married about to get married. Everyone should read this book!

[Laura The Book Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most books that I read about marriage are from a Christian world view. This book is secular and well done. The author tells her own personal story, deals with lies that we often believe, tells lots of helpful stories, and has exercises to help you move forward.

Some things that I liked from the book...

You have to love, honor, and cherish someone in a balanced triangle.

People create the illusion of action by saying they're trying. When you cherish each other, you are interested in meeting each other's needs.

The author encourages mirroring, validation, and empathy when talking with someone.

Each encounter of disrespect with another person creates a lack of security, which breeds fear. Fear is a passion and intimacy killer. Fear of the other person and healthy, abiding love cannot live side by side. If you want a happy marriage, the safety and security of your spouse must be a priority to you.

Lessons are learned in childhood. Some people learn as children that their needs are not going to be met and they have to take control to get their own needs met. Some children grew up in a critical childhood home and constantly fight those voices as adults. If these childhood wounds are not dealt with, they will show up in relationships.

Goodness without boundaries makes victims. Women in particular are overly focused on being good. You can't say yes without being able to say no. The challenge for women is to fight centuries of being socialized to please. Make sure you aren't staying married by staying on guard and swallowing your words, your voice, or the truth.

You can't honor a person who has to live a lie to get along with you. You can't honor a person who doesn't actually exist except in your fantasy.

If you learn to manipulate your spouse with fear, by threatening infidelity, emotional withdrawal, or other forms of emotional or physical acting out you may temporarily get what you want, but in the long run you will lose your spouse's trust, respect, and sometimes even their love.

Your choice needs to grow out of your power, not your fear.

The ultimate form of disrespect in an intimate relationship is to refuse to see the truth about the person you are committed to. This is especially the case in marriage, because this is where we tend to expose ourselves completely. When you stand before your spouse naked and vulnerable and say, "This is who I am," it is devastating to hear him or her say back, "I can't accept you, so I'm going to mold you into somebody better."

Resilient couples survive and even thrive in tough times because they did the work of creating a strong core.

Did you enter the marriage union from a place of being wounded, and remained unaware of the wounds? Who am I, and who would I be if the wound weren't in the driver's seat of my life?

Walls of protection are not bad in and of themselves. They are erected when people experience danger- emotionally, relationally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or financially. Until the source of the danger is exposed and addressed, the wall will remain intact, often becoming more fortified as the years go on. However, it can become a barrier to marital intimacy.

When you avoid doing the work that is needed, there is always more damage.

Your marriage can fail even if it doesn't end in separation or divorce, if it lacks joy, genuine passion, and mutual respect.

Set aside a few minutes every day to ask, "How was your day?" Talk about yourself, not others. "Tell me something great about your day." "Tell me something that you wished had gone better or differently. Where did you shine? Where did you shrink?" This is a great way to remind each other that the other is important.

If one person earns a salary and the other is the family caretaker, there may be a perception that the person who brings home the money has more say in how it is spent.

Maintaining your own and your partner's dignity is a fundamental requirement for a satisfying, committed relationship.

Emotional maturity insists that we commit ourselves to finding safety in the truth.

If you try to withdraw cash from the ATM and you haven't deposited money into your account, you'll receive a message : "Insufficient funds." The same is true in marriage. Often one person makes most of the deposits (of time, money, and love), while the other is always withdrawing those funds.

The vow to be committed in sickness and health means that you will strive for health- not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. This does not mean that one spouse is responsible for picking up all the pieces, or caring more than the spouse cares about themselves.

If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot care for others.

Essential to being a good lover is the ability to receive pleasure as well as give it.

Here's the secret about addicts: They are often incredibly seductive. They can be the most charismatic people in the room, the most fun to be with, and seemingly the most spiritually alive and sensitive of souls. An addict has the ability to sweep you off your feet better than almost anyone. They're excellent sales persons.

You can't have a partnership if one or both of you passes out chemically high by eight every evening or stays up late at night having an affair with the substance of choice. This can even be video games.

Two great questions of folks planning to marry. "What will make your marriage not only last, but be satisfying and mutually rewarding?" and "How do you plan to keep yourself from getting sucked into the vacuum of divorce and despair?"

Even great marriages have bad days, and sometimes bad years. Periods of conflict boredom, stress, and hardship can and do afflict every couple. That's not necessarily a bad thing; it's something that happens in the course of living a life together. The question is: What do you make of it? What does it mean to you?

When you make a vow to be with another person for as long as you both shall live, you are vowing to be alive in your marriage. To do otherwise is to squander God's most precious gifts - life and time.

What you want to get out of your marriage you must put in, and you must have a partner who shares your goals, objectives, and key values.

If you're afraid that exploring certain issues will rock the boat and capsize your relationship, then you don't have a relationship that will weather the storms of married life.

As you stop playing the guessing game and the "let's pretend" game and commit to truth, you increase your chances of creating a happy and mutually satisfying marriage.

It can be true that a person who needs frequent social engagements is looking for a constant confirmation of being okay in the eyes of the world. Conversely, a person who is overly resistant to social engagements usually has a fear of being rejected.

In good marriages people sometimes do things that don't particularly float their boat because it's good for the relationship.

When there is safety, trust and respect in the relationship, your spouse can help you see areas that are cheating you of the rich destiny that every person desires and deserves.

Many of us come to relationships feeling that we do not have enough light within ourselves to live. We need three candles. No marriage can thrive when only two candles are lit- one for "you" and one for "me." Two candles represent the glow of individuals revolving in their own spheres. Make sure you have God's light in your marriage.

There is an excellent list of childish love vs mature love on page 40-41.
The "Marriage Table" is described on page 69.
The author has 276 excellent questions to work through that start on page 159.
Draw a timeline of your marriage.
There are more marriage exercises starting on page 213.

[Iris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful and highly recommend

I really liked this book and would recommend it to all struggling couples. I wish she listed where a couple could go to get help using these techniques.

[Mo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a well written book by a psychologist addressing what you should think about when it comes to relationships and marriage. This book allows you to gain insight into harmful thinking patterns and shows how useful therapy can be. The stories of her patients were interesting and relatable.

[Sunita · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re engaged or planning to get married, I highly recommend reading this book. If you have any doubts about getting married, or you keep sweeping issues under the rug to deal with later, you need to read this book.

[AdLibris · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book about marriages and getting married, a serious radiology of essential communication inside relationships. Whether you are married or not, it’s a must have on your bookshelf. Straight advice about making a marriage work and also telling you why a marriage isn’t working.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

My only regret is not reading this sooner. Wish it was required reading for every single person before entering a relationship. Needs more stars ⭐️.

[Rabby · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are not reading this book you must start ..this book alone will save you and make you avoid and prevent some mistakes from happening in your relationship...give it a try

[Andrius · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yra daug gerų pastabų apie mitus santuokoje, apie iškreiptą meilės, pagarbos ir įsipareigojimų supratimą.

[Drea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very eye opening book, portrays many many different situations of marriages, it even includes exercises

[Katerina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, this book is giving a nice exercise in case of serious quarrels and demonstrates the most common problems in marriages. It is then distinguishing between which makes sense to try to solve (the majority) and which not (such as abuse and addiction). Some exercises are good to have in the back of my mind, but thanks God no need to apply anything in my marriage. I did like the exercise for valuing each year of a marriage. It is the only exercise I am going to adopt.

B.R.A.CE. 2018 ένα βιβλίο με ένα τίτλο με πάνω από 5 λεξεις

[Ann · Rating 2 out of 5]

I guess I should have known this from the title, but this book was extremely negative--certainly more focused on the lies that afflict relationships than on the potentially great marriages built on Truth.

Interestingly enough, she said almost nothing that I disagree with, but I found the whole thing depressing. She told story after story of mistakes her clients have made in their marriages and the misery that resulted. She never talked about ways to make a great marriage and her focus seemed to finally be that if we're unhappy in marriages, divorce is probably the answer, and if we're not married yet, it's probably too risky to go there. She never came right out and said it, but that's the feeling you got from the book.

In addition, this audiobook was read by the author. Almost never a good thing. Apparently, Dr. Smith had been told to read slowly and really enunciate. Also, if you have trouble pronouncing one of the letters of the alphabet, that might be a good reason to have a professional reader make the recording instead. There are people out there who are really good at this sort of thing. I know that's harsh, but there it is.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

The opening of this book is a bit extreme. Dr. Smith gives lots of examples of couples who stood up and told "lies at the altar" (her phrase) because they didn't truly love each other in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, until death did they part. Her phrasing sounded harsh - so many people go into marriage with the best of intentions.

But as the book went on, I realized that Dr. Smith was trying to make the point that good intentions alone do not make a good marriage. She makes a compelling case for acting with integrity and maintaining healthy boundaries. Her master list of over 200 questions to ask yourself and your partner is a great resource. She has some good worksheets and exercises too. I'd especially recommend this book to singles and those who are dating and considering marriage. She paints a realistic picture of what marriage is and the types of challenges married couples can face.

[Gemma · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for anyone who is married, going to get married, or wants to get married. A lot of people delude themselves into thinking that having a wedding will magically make all their relationship problems go away. It's no wonder so many marriages end in divorce. This book delves into the lies we tell ourselves for the sake of a relationship. But is a relationship that requires you to live a lie worth it? If your marriage can survive living in truth, then it will thrive, and both spouses will be happy.

As the author says, marriage is work. But it should not be a chore, a battlefield or endless suffering!

[Carey · Rating 3 out of 5]

A must read for anyone about to get married. Not your typical "Is this the person for me?" book. There is a section full of questions and many of them are not the normal questions that people ask of their significant others. The chapter about till death do you part was particularly insightful. It's not just about sticking around if your spouse becomes incapacitated but thinking about how the everyday things you do to yourself that can impact your health plays into the "till death do you part" aspect of marriage.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Smith gets right to the point in this must read book for anyone seriously considering marriage. Too many people romanticize marriage to the point that they never talk with their partner about the major points of a partnership; the issues that often times are causes for divorce. There is an actual list of issues to go through so that you and your partner can incite conversation on serious issues that otherwise may not have come up. I highly recommend this book.

[Theresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for everyone who is considering a long term commitment. It thoroughly explores the questions that are inevitable in all relationships. I read it after 14 years of marriage and aside from the issues I experienced in my marriage, I now have a better understanding of how colossal relationships really are. I urge you to read it, Everyone! Even if you are already involved in a marriage or a long term relationship.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

My college professor recommended that everyone read this before getting married. If you can get past the beginning she offers some really great advice and perspective of marriage. At the beginning I felt like she was telling me that all marriages are destined for failure, but by the end it is more optimistic. I really liked the questions just simply so I could reflect upon my owe ideas and expectations. My other favorite part was the marriage table.

[Hayu Kurniasih · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hmmm it reveals how to turn vows made at the altar into realistic plans for long and happy marriage.

As a single female who is still looking for her Mr. Right, this book broaden my view about marriage and relationship. The point is that you have to be true to yourself, coz the truth will set you free.

"When I discover who I am, I'll be free" - Ralph Ellison