Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut

by Sherrie Campbell, Wendy T. Behary (Foreword)

Cutting ties with a toxic family member is a crucial step away from a legacy of dysfunction and toward healing and happiness. This compassionate guide will help you embrace your decision with a sense of pride, validation, and faith in yourself; and provides powerful tools for creating boundaries, coping with judgment, and overcoming self-doubt.

Do you have a toxic family member? Do you feel like cutting ties with this person—even as painful and scary as that may sound—would dramatically increase your well-being and improve your life? You’re not alone. Severing ties with a family member can be devastating; and cutting this toxic person out of your life may bring up feelings of guilt and uncertainty—especially if you feel judged by others regarding your decision. Fortunately, you can free yourself from this toxic family member in a healthy, responsible, and liberating way.

In Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members, psychologist and toxic-family survivor Sherrie Campbell offers effective strategies for setting strong boundaries after ending contact with a toxic family member, and provides powerful tools to help you heal from shame, self-doubt, and stigma. You’ll find the validation you need to embrace your decision with pride and acknowledgement of your self-worth. You’ll learn how to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. And finally, you’ll develop the skills needed to rediscover self-care, self-love, self-reliance, and healthy loving relationships.

Whether you’re ready to sever ties with a toxic family member, or already have, this book will help guide you, every step of the way.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Relationships, Audiobook, Family

270 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 1, 2022

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok…. Here it is. This was painfully good and I enjoyed the fact that she understands and has helpful guides and suggestions to healing. I dread telling anyone about my childhood and haven’t really even told my daughters. Parts of my life are unbelievable. So I wasn’t thrilled to open old wounds. I really thought I was done. But lately I see the need to reassess my situation. This is full of hope and no judgement. I thought the book useful and I highly suggest reading it. All of it was very helpful.
Thanks New Harbinger via NetGalley.

[Leigh Kramer · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you’re considering cutting off toxic family or early on in setting that boundary, this could prove to be a helpful resource. I’m years in to setting boundaries so I was hoping for more of the practical tips provided in part 3. That section provided the most value for me, as well as one or two chapters in part 1. I really appreciated that this dealt with secondary abuse and delved into how to maintain relationships with non-toxic family members. Some of the advice can be helpful to think through in terms of friendship, as well. Part 2 was the least helpful personally, perhaps best for people who haven’t been in therapy before or have only just begun unpacking their experiences.

I found this to be affirming but at the same time, there were a ton of declarative statements about what family is like or what children grow up believing that didn’t ring true for me. Additionally, the advice centered around a lot of stereotypes, like believing that love comes only from achievement, being a perfectionist, being prone to wanting to fix other people's problems, or having difficulties in being assertive and setting boundaries. None of these things apply to me. I certainly have my own struggles and I wish the book had been more expansive to include them or been more intentional in titling the book and making it clear who the audience is. It’s written more for codependent people/people pleasers with overtly abusive family members who doubt their decision to estrange themselves, which is not my situation at all. “Toxic” and “abuse” seemed to be used interchangeably but there’s a wide range of experiences with toxic people that doesn’t necessarily fall under abuse.

For more on this subject, I recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults by Lindsay C. Gibson, with that caveat that it’s more for those who want to maintain a relationship with their toxic family member. That isn’t my situation but I found it to be really practical and affirming, in ways that I hoped this book would be as well.

CW: toxic family, childhood abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, childhood neglect, death of family members (including cancer), substance abuse, alcoholism, 9/11, childbirth as a metaphor, divorce, ableist language, Harry Potter reference, mention of family members who died by suicide, reference to disordered eating

[Swaye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you Sherrie. This book made me feel heard, loved, and understood. I am so grateful to have read this book at this exact time in my life. It's an invaluable resource for anyone who has had to cut ties with toxic family members and I am so grateful that I will be able to come back to it in the next stages of my healing journey.

[Sage · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a heart-wrenching but also extremely empowering book. Sherrie Campbell is a clinical researcher in psychology who is also a survivor of a toxic family, giving her exceptional insight into this particular flavor of trauma. Let me say right off: this book is 100% supportive of cutting off all contact with toxic family members. As far as she's concerned, half measures do not work. Basically, there is no freedom but freedom.

Campbell cites studies showing that in the US, at least, there is a silent epidemic of estrangement between adults and their family members, but no one talks about it because there's so much risk of being shamed by outsiders who assume that family therapy, etc., will be more than enough to fix things. Campbell counters that, "Parents are meant to let their children go, not keep them in a stranglehold their whole lives."

And facing that stranglehold is the work of this book. Campbell coins the term "foundational anxiety" to describe anxiety rooted in attachment rather than brain chemistry. Then she breaks down the development of toxic shame according to the stages in Erikson's psycho-social development framework. Finally, she works through the various keys to healing.

I want therapists to read this book, especially if they deal with family trauma. Every page resonated so strongly with me, and yet I've before never seen a book so clearly encapsulate the damage of toxic families of origin and what is needed for an adult survivor to heal...right down to what to do when well-meaning third parties try to intervene. It's really nice to see practical solutions as well as easy-to-understand theory. Usually, it's one or the other, not both.

Note: I am entirely unable to be objective about rating this book. I'm giving it five stars because it hit me right in the heart, but I'm very curious how other psychologists will review it.

ARC

[Carolyn Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciate the author writing this book. It is on topic that is hard to explain and difficult for people to empathize with you on. There were definitely some hard truths that no one wants to hear, but Sherrie made you feel like you are not alone and told it how it is. A must read for anyone who courageously decided to put themselves first by removing toxicity from a family member.

[iva° · Rating 3 out of 5]

sherrie campbell: kako preživjeti toksične članove obitelji: alati za održavanje granica, suočavanje s kritikom i iscjeljenje od osjećaja srama nakon prekida veza
predgovor: wendy t. behary
prijevod: kamelija kauzlarić
opus gradna, 2024., 223 str.

ključ potpunog razumijevanja ove knjige jest u drugom dijelu naslova: ono "nakon prekida veza". autorica polazi od pretpostavke da si prekinuo ili da si u procesu prekida apsolutno svih veza sa toksičnim članom/vima obitelji (majka, otac, brat, sestra, dijete..) i daje smjernice kako ostati vjeran toj odluci, kako se postaviti na noge i zaliječiti rane. manji dio teksta posvećen je onime sa čime se, čini mi se, većina bori: kako izdržavati nasilje nad sobom, kako podnositi maltretiranja i zlostavljanja, uz bezbrojne (i, naravno, neuspješne) pokušaje uspostavljanja zdravog odnosa.
sherrien odgovor je jednostavan: prekini sve veze.
to ima potpunog smisla, ali odluku o rušenju svih mostova s nekime iz najuže obitelji malo tko će donijeti. knjiga progovara onima koji se usuđuju.
dakle, ako si na tom putu, preporučam. ako nisi, pratit će te osjećaj da čitaš knjigu koja zapravo nije namijenjena tebi, kao da hodaš u tuđim cipelama, iako ćeš naći i dosta korisnih informacija (npr. karakteristike toksičnih osoba, njihov modus operandi, neke zanimljive statistike itd..).

strašno je što ovakve knjige uopće moraju biti napisane.

[Noelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Content Warnings: Discussion of emotional abuse, manipulation, verbal abuse, and death of loved ones.

This was an extremely powerful read for me. As someone who cut ties, almost ten years ago, with toxic family members I still experience a lot of guilt and thoughts of “maybe I should re-open those lines of communication”.

Luckily my husband is always there supporting me and asking me questions like “do you think allowing them back into your life would make your life better or worse?” “Would it relieve or add to your stress?” When I stop to think about it and realize that allowing those people back into my life would significantly add a lot of negativity…I realize that I did make the right choice and will continue to do so.

If you’ve never had a toxic family member around—especially a parent who helped shape you into the person you are—you may not realize how controlling and manipulative they are. I just turned 35 and as I look back on my childhood there are still things I’m realizing, about that toxic relationship, that I never saw before. Lies and manipulations that I believed wholeheartedly because what kind of parent lies to their child about important things.

This book discusses all the different steps one goes through when it comes to cutting toxic family members out of your life. It’s not as simple as just cutting off contact and everything becoming great…because these people have trained you to feel immense guilt when they aren’t getting their way. Even fully knowing that the likelihood of them having an “aha” moment—and realizing how horribly they treated me—is completely unrealistic…I still sadly hope for it.

An extremely powerful read that I will be looking back through—in my moments of doubt—to remind myself that I made the best choice for myself, my growing family, and my mental health.

[Lindsay Nixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Superb book. I wish I’d have had this book several years ago when I first cut the toxic abusive narcissist “family member” out of my life.

[Cassondra Perea · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a survivor or childhood trauma I have lived most of my life without toxic family members. While I have gone through many years of therapy to deal with the lasting effects, I have never been able to fully articulate what it means to lose some of the most important relationships a young child should have. It truly changes you as a person and how you view the world and the people in it.

Sherrie Campbell does an outstanding job of using both her own experiences as well as those of her clients to illustrate what toxic traits look like, how we should set healthy boundaries to safeguard our own mental health, and applicable tools that will end the cycle once and for all. She beautifully combined the emotional and scientific that allowed me to feel truly seen and fully known.

Reading this as a electronic book was nothing short of life changing, but I must obtain a physical copy. I want to study this book over and over, take notes, and revisit it in my moments of weakness.

If you or someone you know has grown up with toxic people, needs to eliminate toxic people, or has eliminated toxic people PLEASE buy this book! There is so much wisdom in this book to be gained.

I want to thank NetGalley.com and New Harbinger Publications for allowing me to read this book in exchange for my pure and honest feedback!

[Ri · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this years ago. Very validating with helpful tools and advice.

[Pri · Rating 1 out of 5]

I first heard of this book on tik tok and read it after hearing the following quote from it, “when you are constantly criticized by your family, you do not stop loving them. You stop loving yourself” (page 118).

I am not familiar with the author, and I’ve noticed that the book only scratches the surface of attachment trauma, providing a basic explanation using CBT-oriented language. The tone of the book didn’t resonate with me at all.

Although I can appreciate the author’s self-disclosure that she is going through her own therapy and healing process, I got the sense that she wrote this book to vent, she clearly hasn’t differentiated and seemed to have published it for the sake of publishing a self-help book.

It reads like a college paper or personal statement written by a grad student working on her counseling degree; quoting and referencing Brené Brown, Henry Cloud, paraphrasing Erik Erikson’s stages of development, and citing several other well known authors with their self-help books.

I found myself getting easily irritated with her writing style. As a trauma professional, I was disappointed with the author’s lack of depth in this subject matter, especially after claiming to be an expert in this field and holding a PhD. I would not recommend this to my therapy clients.

[Shannon]

I had to DNF this book due to the writing style. It felt more like a rambling blog than a self-help book. I tried to get past it but could only make it through the first chapter. Hopefully others who need this material will find it beneficial and will be able to make the most of this book.

[Ty · Rating 5 out of 5]

painfully good and empowering and left me with lots to think about

[Taylor Haring · Rating 5 out of 5]

In June it will be 3 years since I cut ties with my biological father. While I stand strong in my decision, it’s difficult from time to time. Throughout this book I felt so heard & not alone in my thoughts!

Here are some of my favorite parts:
I love love loved the comparison to rapunzel in tangled!

I loved the Harry Potter quote!

The other part that I found really powerful was when she speaks about not calling them by their given family name such as mom or dad, but calling them their actual name. This has been something that I have been doing for the last year or so and while I found it really empowering, I was worried that it made me seem petty to people on the outside.

Towards the end she discusses how a patient of hers experienced a social media attack by her toxic family member around the time of her wedding. This was almost my exact situation that I experienced when I cut off my biological father.

Throughout this book I felt heard, seen & validated!

[Tricia Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life Changing for me. I wish i could hug her and thank her for all the tools that she gave me.

[Tonya Vondersaar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Dr. Campbell’s book that talks about how some family members can be toxic and make your life extremely difficult. She discusses how to set boundaries and if family members continue to cross them then it's okay for you to cut them out of your life. People in the world try to keep families together even if a family member is being abused in some way. They can't see behind the facade and pick the side of the manipulative family member. It's okay to cut them out. It's helping to validate individuals to see that they are not wrong for wanting to protect themselves. It's teaching you how to be more self aware and to have better self care.

[Kayla Blackburn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I understand this book may have been helpful to people who have had very similar experiences to the author. Reading this felt like this should have been called Adult Survivors of Sherrie Campbell’s specific abusive family dynamics and How To validate and affirm her decision to cut her family off with the knowledge she has learned working as a therapist. Also lots of hyper independent I am the only person who will ever support me I can never trust no one to do the same craziness. Hope she’s okay fr it literally reads like the unhealed leading the unhealed.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent to help work through no-contact with family members. It does focus on completely disconnecting the relationship, so if you’re looking to set boundaries and keep minimal contact, you’ll need to slightly adjust the narrative to fit your purpose. It is rare to feel supported through words on a page, but this author reaches through to you and speaks to you like the mom you wish you had.

[Val Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Do not recommend. Author spends a lot of time venting about her specific experiences, calls scapegoated children "Earth angels" and kinda fetishizes them in a "too good for this world" kind of way, goes on about "empaths" in a "you're better than other people" kind of way... the best parts of this book are actually summarized from other books like Homecoming and Walker's CPTSD, so just read those instead.

[counter-hegemonicon · Rating 2 out of 5]

There’s a lot in here that’s only particular to the author and some unfounded clinical terms like “empath.” And a lot of assumptions about the path of estranged people, which can look far different from what the author portrayed

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was highly empowering, enabling me to recognize the toxic behavior that has surrounded me throughout my life. Following a challenging period of isolation and reflection, I began to understand the severity of the toxicity and selfishness that was surrounding me. The validation I found in this book was eye opening, as it helped me acknowledge my experiences as a victim of toxicity since childhood and recognize that I don't have to accept it. I gained insight into the cycle the nature of toxicity, where we often respond to it with more toxicity. This book not only helped me comprehend my feelings of neglect, abandonment, and low self-esteem but also revealed my own toxic traits, which I can now work to transform into positive attributes, enabling me to become a better mother, sibling, and friend. I am determined to break the cycle of toxic family dynamics, and it starts with me.

[Marie Richter · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was necessary for me to cut ties with members of my birth family, and my husband’s family. The first was my in-laws, about 20 years ago; the second was my siblings, about five years ago following the death of my parents. Reading Dr. Sherrie’s insights in this book were a validation I wasn’t completely aware I needed. Through the years I learned on my own the truths she shares, and developed the skills and boundaries she highlights in the book, but it would have been helpful to have them sooner. If you are suffering from the abuse of a toxic family member (or anyone, for that matter), this book is a must read. Acceptance, patience, and forgiveness are the foundation for any growth journey — along with the knowledge that only you can prioritize your own health, inner peace, and emotional and psychological wellbeing.

[Gracie Loyd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never felt so validated in my feelings and decisions in my life as I was while listening to this book. It was comforting hearing someone else talk about their struggles with toxic family members and hearing how they’ve dealt with them. If I could force everyone in my life to read/listen to this book, I absolutely would. It’s tiring feeling like I have to justify a decision I made for my mental/emotional wellbeing, especially to the people who witnessed my trauma firsthand. Thank you, SC, for writing this book and making others like you realize they are not alone!

[Ankita Kumar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt like a warm hug. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this heard and understood as much as this book made me feel.
Due to a lot of subtle toxicity in my upbringing, which more than often I failed to realise, I would always need to work much more on my other relationships. And I totally understand why a lot of them failed. This book gave me closure to so many things in life.
I highly recommend everyone to read this.

[A. Housewife · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't realize this is about adults who have cut ties completely with family members. I still found a lot of the discussion about boundaries very relevant and useful. I recommend this for anyone who has cut ties.

[Nicole Ellsworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly insightful and validating. Applicable for all toxic relationships. I didn’t know that “toxic” was actually listed in the DSM-5 under personality disorders. I recommend for anyone who has had a difficult/painful relationship that you suspect is toxic.

[Krista Rogers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full of wisdom for those who are children in a toxic situation thinking about creating boundaries or going no contact.

Some encouraging and useful parts if this isn’t your story, but much fewer and far between.

[Chun · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a manual book for people who want to escape from toxic family. This book has a very specific target audience, I believe that people who suffer from toxic family or traumatic relationships will find support and courage from this book.

There is some repetition between chapters though.

There’s also some good advice for people who‘s stuck in an unhealthy work place(at least I used the advice in that way).
Here you can find how to set boundaries, self care, and be true to yourself.

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow… one of the most validating books I’ve ever read. For those who have been manipulated, gaslighted, and abused, it was never you. It was always and will always be them.

“You have no responsibility to negotiate a truth that is nonnegotiable.”

[Charmedbean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice book to lay the groundwork on what to expect, what is normal in situations like these and to say that you are not alone.