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Signals
In Signals, Cherilyn Orr introduces a common language and imagery to help everyone manage their emotions. Rooted in neuroscience and the Bible, this approach has been used around the world because its spans across all cultural contexts. Learn how to read these signals, become more aware of your emotions as well as your child’s, and understand how to respond based on the signal sent. For parents and educators, this approach is an easy-to-understand way to evaluate what’s going on with your child, mentally and emotionally, at any given moment to determine an appropriate response.
Signals is useful for all kids including those with special needs. Applying the technique can transform the relationships you have with your kids and set them on a lifelong trajectory of ever-increasing emotional intelligence.
Signals is useful for all kids including those with special needs. Applying the technique can transform the relationships you have with your kids and set them on a lifelong trajectory of ever-increasing emotional intelligence.
209 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 19, 2022
11 people are currently reading
481 people want to read
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June 3, 2022
Cherilyn Orr has written a practical parenting guide, blending insights from recent brain studies and the Bible. The book grew out of her own family's challenge in raising adopted children, some of whom had experienced early childhood trauma. A friend initially helped her to understand that the behavior they were witnessing was rooted in the brain, not character or failed parenting skills. What followed was a years long study of brain research, followed by learning how to apply that understanding to raise emotional healthy and resilient children.
The key insight is that three different areas of the brain control our emotional states: one part is predominantly active when we are calm, and thus best equipped to learn and make good decisions, one part dominates when we are upset or angry, which not surprisingly is when we are least able to learn or make good decisions and yet another part actively controls the in-between state, when we might sense danger or are becoming upset. The author then provides a simplified language of a traffic light with its green - red - yellow signals corresponding to the three brain states. Each emotional state has its purpose but of course, ideally one wants to be in the green (calm) state as much as possible and learn to recognize and deal productively with the signals in oneself and others for the other states.
It is becoming widely understood that emotional intelligence is a more sure sign of personal success than intellectual intelligence. That being the case, parents will want to invest as much or more energy and resources into their child's emotional development as their intellectual or physical pursuits. The challenge for many of us is that is not how we were raised and we naturally parent as we were parented. A more traditional parenting style punishes, shames or otherwise makes a child feel bad for misdeeds with the expectation that this will make them do good. That may work for a few but if you think about how you felt when treated like that, you realize that is not a productive way to raise an emotionally intelligent child with whom you have a strong, loving relationship. What Signals rather teaches is to understand where behavior is coming from, what that behavior might be triggering in you and to then create a safe place for getting everyone back to a green state.
This may appear to some as being permissive, lacking discipline and actions without consequences. The author spends some time pointing out this is not the case. Emotionally healthy people are self controlled, not regulated by external forces, so what this book teaches is how to develop that emotional and behavioral self-control. Obviously, never facing consequences for one's actions does not develop an emotionally healthy person. This is also where the author addresses those who think the Bible advocates a strict disciplinary code - 'spare the rod, spoil the child.' However, in context, the rod was a shepherd's staff which guided and protected the flock, not an instrument of harsh discipline. Throughout the book, the author reflects on numerous Biblical texts which relate how loving, patient and gracious God is. So, in addition to understanding brain science, one must also clarify one's view of God, which in turn means coming to terms with one's own self image, because as Jesus said, one must first love God and oneself before one can love others.
The 15 chapters are loaded with practical examples, mostly drawn from the author's own family life. Topics covered include understanding the basics of brain science and emotions, recognizing your own emotional triggers, how to respond when someone is in a red/yellow/green state and understanding that the same behavior may come from all 3 states - and thus require a different response. Each chapter includes a Biblical foundation, an invitation for personal reflection and concludes with a prayer.
One of the most important things we can do in life is parent another human being and we mostly do it without any preparation or training. As families have become more isolated and insular, separated so often from the support and wisdom of grandparents, compounded by the stresses and isolation of the pandemic, the need for sound parenting help is more apparent than ever. Signals is a good place to start. It may not cover everything a parent may wish to know, but it will help build strong relationships, whether with spouse, colleagues and of course, children and strong relationships weather new challenges much better than weak or non-existent ones. If you read this book you'll wish you could have given it to your parents!
The key insight is that three different areas of the brain control our emotional states: one part is predominantly active when we are calm, and thus best equipped to learn and make good decisions, one part dominates when we are upset or angry, which not surprisingly is when we are least able to learn or make good decisions and yet another part actively controls the in-between state, when we might sense danger or are becoming upset. The author then provides a simplified language of a traffic light with its green - red - yellow signals corresponding to the three brain states. Each emotional state has its purpose but of course, ideally one wants to be in the green (calm) state as much as possible and learn to recognize and deal productively with the signals in oneself and others for the other states.
It is becoming widely understood that emotional intelligence is a more sure sign of personal success than intellectual intelligence. That being the case, parents will want to invest as much or more energy and resources into their child's emotional development as their intellectual or physical pursuits. The challenge for many of us is that is not how we were raised and we naturally parent as we were parented. A more traditional parenting style punishes, shames or otherwise makes a child feel bad for misdeeds with the expectation that this will make them do good. That may work for a few but if you think about how you felt when treated like that, you realize that is not a productive way to raise an emotionally intelligent child with whom you have a strong, loving relationship. What Signals rather teaches is to understand where behavior is coming from, what that behavior might be triggering in you and to then create a safe place for getting everyone back to a green state.
This may appear to some as being permissive, lacking discipline and actions without consequences. The author spends some time pointing out this is not the case. Emotionally healthy people are self controlled, not regulated by external forces, so what this book teaches is how to develop that emotional and behavioral self-control. Obviously, never facing consequences for one's actions does not develop an emotionally healthy person. This is also where the author addresses those who think the Bible advocates a strict disciplinary code - 'spare the rod, spoil the child.' However, in context, the rod was a shepherd's staff which guided and protected the flock, not an instrument of harsh discipline. Throughout the book, the author reflects on numerous Biblical texts which relate how loving, patient and gracious God is. So, in addition to understanding brain science, one must also clarify one's view of God, which in turn means coming to terms with one's own self image, because as Jesus said, one must first love God and oneself before one can love others.
The 15 chapters are loaded with practical examples, mostly drawn from the author's own family life. Topics covered include understanding the basics of brain science and emotions, recognizing your own emotional triggers, how to respond when someone is in a red/yellow/green state and understanding that the same behavior may come from all 3 states - and thus require a different response. Each chapter includes a Biblical foundation, an invitation for personal reflection and concludes with a prayer.
One of the most important things we can do in life is parent another human being and we mostly do it without any preparation or training. As families have become more isolated and insular, separated so often from the support and wisdom of grandparents, compounded by the stresses and isolation of the pandemic, the need for sound parenting help is more apparent than ever. Signals is a good place to start. It may not cover everything a parent may wish to know, but it will help build strong relationships, whether with spouse, colleagues and of course, children and strong relationships weather new challenges much better than weak or non-existent ones. If you read this book you'll wish you could have given it to your parents!
September 8, 2024
This was exactly the book I needed to read in my current parenting struggles! It is the perfect follow up to what I learned in “The 5 Love Languages of Children”. Cherilyn is gentle and so so clear in her explanation of the “stop light” concept and parenting method. This is not gentle parenting!! It’s a godly, biblical based book explaining how to understand emotions and brain science (for eg. recognize when you are in RED brain - ready to explode, not being rational or fair to your children, or for eg. When your child is in YELLOW brain because they are tired and hungry - also not a good moment for discipline). The goal of this method is to recognize what presses you/your children’s buttons, and then create strategies to bring you back to “green”. I couldn’t recommend “Signals” enough!!! It’s an amazing book, definitely going to reread.
June 30, 2022
Signals is a book for everyone, but especially caregivers! Cherilyn Orr has a way of relating to you with her personal stories and vulnerability, while educating you on brain science, psychology, and the Bible! The Stoplight Approach is easy to understand and it has totally changed the way I handle Yellow and Red situations.
July 20, 2022
Signals by Cherilyn Orr is kind, compassionate, often amusing, and so very encouraging! Are you stressed, exhausted, confused, frustrated? The content in Signals is easily accessible and offers many practical strategies. More so, it offers deep understanding of people, not just children, and how were are able to live and grow together.
Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches this book is for you! Early Childhood Educators, this book is for you!
By the end of Signals you will feel confident in your ability to raise resilient children. I learned so much about how my brain works and about the brains of, not just the children in my life, but all the people in my life. And I now know how to live in “green brain” and help those around me live in “green brain!”
I came away saying, “I can do this!”
Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches this book is for you! Early Childhood Educators, this book is for you!
By the end of Signals you will feel confident in your ability to raise resilient children. I learned so much about how my brain works and about the brains of, not just the children in my life, but all the people in my life. And I now know how to live in “green brain” and help those around me live in “green brain!”
I came away saying, “I can do this!”
July 9, 2023
Cherilynn Orr's new book, Signals, introduces the reader to brain science through a Biblical lens. Written for parents of children with trauma, Signals is applicable to any parenting relationship and is useful in the classroom setting. Using the imagery of a stop light, Orr provides the reader with a novel tool that can easily be integrated into daily interactions. Simple and straightforward, she provides practical examples throughout the book that demonstrate how to help you and those you care about reflect upon challenging emotions, provide correction in a loving manner, and maintain a healthy relationship.
A different disciplinary approach, Orr provides consequences in ways that some may find too lenient. However, she convincingly addresses "spare the rod, spoil the child" which challenges the standard view.
Those interested in brain psychology, trauma, parenting and relationships, or classroom management will enjoy this book.
Favorite quote: So, no, you can't love your kids too much.
A different disciplinary approach, Orr provides consequences in ways that some may find too lenient. However, she convincingly addresses "spare the rod, spoil the child" which challenges the standard view.
Those interested in brain psychology, trauma, parenting and relationships, or classroom management will enjoy this book.
Favorite quote: So, no, you can't love your kids too much.
July 4, 2022
I am not even a parent myself, yet I still really appreciate the concepts discussed in this book. Using The Stoplight Approach, helps me to understand and respond to the needs behind emotions in myself, my significant other, my friends, and my coworkers.
Having studied Psychology and Social Work in university, I also found it amazing how often the complex processes and best practices I studied in my courses seemed second nature when I considered the issues using The Stoplight Approach.
One of my favorite things about the book is the many real-life stories sprinkled throughout the chapters. The stories really helped to both catch my attention and help me understand what the concepts looked like practically.
While the book is written with caregivers in mind, I honestly think that any of us would benefit from reading it!
Having studied Psychology and Social Work in university, I also found it amazing how often the complex processes and best practices I studied in my courses seemed second nature when I considered the issues using The Stoplight Approach.
One of my favorite things about the book is the many real-life stories sprinkled throughout the chapters. The stories really helped to both catch my attention and help me understand what the concepts looked like practically.
While the book is written with caregivers in mind, I honestly think that any of us would benefit from reading it!
June 30, 2022
Signals is a wonderful book for parents, grandparents, teachers or anyone who relates to kids. It explains brain science and how we relate to one another, comparing our reactions to a stoplight, green being like, calm cool and collected and red being a screaming meany, ready to run away, and yellow somewhere in between. We can learn how to identify the state we are in, adult or child, and how to respond in a much more productive and nurturing way. Connection and attachments are so important to foster trust and loving relationships. The author, Cherilyn, has 7 children, four adopted, and has worked with traumatized children in Africa. She gives so many personal illustrations of dealing with situations. This is not a dry textbook! Anyone could benefit from reading this book, even if you are just relating to adults. It's about building better relationships as well as dealing with parenting issues. It's written from a Christian perspective, but definitely very useful for all.
July 4, 2022
This is a book for everyone! The reader will learn about themselves and others in an easy to read format. This book will help anyone who is a parent, married couple, employer…anyone who leaves his/her house and interacts with people. You will finish this book and want to read it all over again. You will want to buy this book for friends and family. Thank you Cherilyn for helping all of us have healthier relationships leading to healthier communities. The way you explain brain science through stoplight colors is amazing.
September 22, 2024
This book was a pleasure to read. Written with a more gentle parenting approach to raising children while not being permissive for a doormat to your children.
I love that she defines punishment and discipline in a Biblical context.
I can also appreciate that while it’s a parenting book- much of it is spent explaining that our own actions as parents have significantly more impact than we care to admit. As parents she explains that the same brain areas are affected by stress and anxiety. While her language is simple so that kids can fully understand it - stop light colours red yellow and green. You as parents also need to be aware what state your own brain is in to properly communicate your children through their emotions and feelings
I love that she defines punishment and discipline in a Biblical context.
I can also appreciate that while it’s a parenting book- much of it is spent explaining that our own actions as parents have significantly more impact than we care to admit. As parents she explains that the same brain areas are affected by stress and anxiety. While her language is simple so that kids can fully understand it - stop light colours red yellow and green. You as parents also need to be aware what state your own brain is in to properly communicate your children through their emotions and feelings
June 30, 2022
This book is a game changer for parents, educators and any professional working with children or young adults. Written by Cherilyn Orr and influenced by her own challenges raising adopted children, it provides the foundation for a paradigm shift in the understanding of our emotions and how they impact our behaviour and relationships. Taking complex brain science and making it accessible and useable, Signals provides clear and practical steps that support the development of healthy relationships and emotional intelligence. Combining science and the bible, this book will be embraced by every parent and professional, changing the way we approach children and their behaviour by evaluating their emotional state and responding accordingly. Using the approach described, relationships will be transformed and can be enjoyed again, and children can feel safe and develop their full potential. Having worked in multiple cultural settings and with children of all abilities, I found this approach offers helpful insights for every context.
June 27, 2022
This is a game changer a must read will change the culture in your home school workplace in your own way of looking at brain science and emotional intelligence
September 26, 2025
This book felt like a breath of fresh air. I’ve read and listened to many parenting books and this one felt so refreshing to listen to. The author did a great job of meshing the psychology of the developing brain and biblical parenting. I enjoyed her focus on building relationship with your children, but not being passive when they’re sinful and disobedient. I also appreciated the reminder to parents to take a step back and not address a situation when the child or parent is upset. Will be buying a hard copy to read again!
September 3, 2022
As a trained elementary teacher, I was really curious about a book that was going to use the red, yellow, and green traffic light signals for a new behavior system for parents. Since these colors have become so well known as a behavior management system that does NOT work for many children, especially those from trauma and hard places.
But to my utter delight, not only has Cherilyn Orr used this long-time behavior management model and color system to redeem that original common classroom strategy. She has really made it work! The goal was always to motivate students to improve, learn, and manage their behavior in a classroom, and yet so many kids were failed by the original levels, since once you moved to yellow or red, you identified to the whole room that you were struggling today, and this often was counterproductive and created shame and stress worsening the behavior.
The model that is taught in this book reflects three levels of a person's brain and regulation. It also links the truth of God's Word to the science and research on supporting kids from a hard place, and in reality ALL kids in learning to regulate and strengthen their brain functions to reach their pre-frontal cortex and manage their emotions rather than reacting. The model also expects that the adult embraces new levels of awareness of which mental state the parent is in when interacting with their children.
Who is the audience for this book:
*someone who wants to be given instructions, a mindset change, and techniques for supporting children. The author teaches the regulation system to all people including the adults involved. This tone in the audiobook especially may be misinterpreted by the listener.
*a believer or follower of Christ who not only wants up-to-date brain research but also follows the Word of God as a way of life and for self-reflection and instruction.
*A parent, teacher, or adult who is seeking advice for managing the children in their lives who are struggling without the best techniques to seek love, to support, and to function more appropriately with others.
*It is written directly to parents.
It is labeled a Christian living book but really functions as a 'self-help' book giving the reader a mindset of ideas, strategies, and questions to consider in how the reader manages and processes their interactions with the children in their lives.
What I like about the book:
The content shared, the strategies and ideas offered, and the research explained in this book from my many years of learning brain-based best practice strategies to support children are excellent. As well as the why behind many of the concepts that may be questionable to those new to parenting in this way. Time Ins, offering a treat and beverage, praising and connecting with the child to re-regulate over tackling the problem or inappropriate behavior immediately, which looks like permissive parenting, but is not when done correctly, as a child needs to connect before he or she can be redirected and learn how to resolve the need, problem, or learn the missing skill.
*The author is an educator, and the way the book is written in her 'meta cognition' or thinking about her thinking and thinking about what needs the child has that are unmet, by looking at the scenarios as a detective, to identify the why behind the behavior, and a plan to help change the concern immediately and move to a level of thinking where the child can learn a better way.
*Strategies, techniques, and methods to support regulation are fully integrated across the book.
Images, cartoons, and visuals to support the concepts which make interpretation of the teaching clearer and the tone clear, the goal is just to help the reader grasp what this strategy looks like, sounds like, and how it relates to God's design for humanity and clarifies the tone from advice to content.
*The focus on how much managing and modeling our children's regulation rests on the adult remaining functional, aware that the child is not intentionally creating problems, but that they have unmet needs, unsolved problems, or a lack of skills.
*Recognition that fatigue, hydration, nutrition, hunger, activity, etc all make the above regulation struggles amplified.
*Stoplight Connections: Questions and tasks to complete as you read, that are educationally valuable in applying the concepts to your thinking.
*Prayer: ends each chapter and gives a true glimpse of the author's recognition that parenting is hard, often a struggle, and shows our humanness and flaws regularly keeping us dependent on the support of the Holy Spirit molding us.
What I wonder about the book:
*Would the audiobook version have seemed less cheesy or more authentic if read by the author herself? I'm not sure.
*How many diverse learners may miss the quality instruction, content, and thinking that is so well done in this book because they are triggered by the tone, style, or their misperception of the style of writing?
*If the unique aspects of biblical integration will be appreciated by readers or will create another trigger or struggle in hearing the much-needed message.
Thankful to partner with Netgalley and Thomas Nelson to read an e-copy of the newly released book, and thankful for Hoopla to have the opportunity to also listen to parts of the book as I wanted to continue to think and process the book before completing my review.
But to my utter delight, not only has Cherilyn Orr used this long-time behavior management model and color system to redeem that original common classroom strategy. She has really made it work! The goal was always to motivate students to improve, learn, and manage their behavior in a classroom, and yet so many kids were failed by the original levels, since once you moved to yellow or red, you identified to the whole room that you were struggling today, and this often was counterproductive and created shame and stress worsening the behavior.
The model that is taught in this book reflects three levels of a person's brain and regulation. It also links the truth of God's Word to the science and research on supporting kids from a hard place, and in reality ALL kids in learning to regulate and strengthen their brain functions to reach their pre-frontal cortex and manage their emotions rather than reacting. The model also expects that the adult embraces new levels of awareness of which mental state the parent is in when interacting with their children.
Who is the audience for this book:
*someone who wants to be given instructions, a mindset change, and techniques for supporting children. The author teaches the regulation system to all people including the adults involved. This tone in the audiobook especially may be misinterpreted by the listener.
*a believer or follower of Christ who not only wants up-to-date brain research but also follows the Word of God as a way of life and for self-reflection and instruction.
*A parent, teacher, or adult who is seeking advice for managing the children in their lives who are struggling without the best techniques to seek love, to support, and to function more appropriately with others.
*It is written directly to parents.
It is labeled a Christian living book but really functions as a 'self-help' book giving the reader a mindset of ideas, strategies, and questions to consider in how the reader manages and processes their interactions with the children in their lives.
What I like about the book:
The content shared, the strategies and ideas offered, and the research explained in this book from my many years of learning brain-based best practice strategies to support children are excellent. As well as the why behind many of the concepts that may be questionable to those new to parenting in this way. Time Ins, offering a treat and beverage, praising and connecting with the child to re-regulate over tackling the problem or inappropriate behavior immediately, which looks like permissive parenting, but is not when done correctly, as a child needs to connect before he or she can be redirected and learn how to resolve the need, problem, or learn the missing skill.
*The author is an educator, and the way the book is written in her 'meta cognition' or thinking about her thinking and thinking about what needs the child has that are unmet, by looking at the scenarios as a detective, to identify the why behind the behavior, and a plan to help change the concern immediately and move to a level of thinking where the child can learn a better way.
*Strategies, techniques, and methods to support regulation are fully integrated across the book.
Images, cartoons, and visuals to support the concepts which make interpretation of the teaching clearer and the tone clear, the goal is just to help the reader grasp what this strategy looks like, sounds like, and how it relates to God's design for humanity and clarifies the tone from advice to content.
*The focus on how much managing and modeling our children's regulation rests on the adult remaining functional, aware that the child is not intentionally creating problems, but that they have unmet needs, unsolved problems, or a lack of skills.
*Recognition that fatigue, hydration, nutrition, hunger, activity, etc all make the above regulation struggles amplified.
*Stoplight Connections: Questions and tasks to complete as you read, that are educationally valuable in applying the concepts to your thinking.
*Prayer: ends each chapter and gives a true glimpse of the author's recognition that parenting is hard, often a struggle, and shows our humanness and flaws regularly keeping us dependent on the support of the Holy Spirit molding us.
What I wonder about the book:
*Would the audiobook version have seemed less cheesy or more authentic if read by the author herself? I'm not sure.
*How many diverse learners may miss the quality instruction, content, and thinking that is so well done in this book because they are triggered by the tone, style, or their misperception of the style of writing?
*If the unique aspects of biblical integration will be appreciated by readers or will create another trigger or struggle in hearing the much-needed message.
Thankful to partner with Netgalley and Thomas Nelson to read an e-copy of the newly released book, and thankful for Hoopla to have the opportunity to also listen to parts of the book as I wanted to continue to think and process the book before completing my review.
July 18, 2022
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this helpful guide which combines the latest in neuroscientific research with Biblical teachings. Using down to earth examples, the author deftly explains how we can regulate our own emotions and help our children to do the same. She uses the imagery and colors of a stoplight as an easy to understand way to explain the emotional state of our brain.
The green signal is used to explain our brain when we are calm and most able to learn and absorb information. “Green brain” is using our neocortex. Yellow represents when our needs aren’t being met and we are anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. The yellow signal represents the limbic system where emotions cloud our judgement. Red represents the state when we are angry, out of control, and/or unreasonable. It’s impossible to deal rationally with someone in this state. The red signal represents brain stem function or the “lizard brain,” where the main concern is basic survival. With this in mind, the whole purpose of this book is to help recognize which state we are in and learn to guide ourselves and our children back to the “green brain” or a calmer state where we can make the best decisions and truly learn better behavior.
I could completely relate to many of the scenarios described when everything seems to be going wrong and patience is hanging by a thread. I found her advice extremely helpful and definitely learned something new even as a seasoned parent. It’s inevitable to make mistakes, and she provides a helpful way to reconnect with our children even when we make mistakes. The author also goes to great lengths to explain that this is not permissive parenting. It encourages children to take responsibility for their emotions and behavior with the goal of raising emotionally resilient children.
The author’s experiences with raising ten children, three of whom were adopted after enduring traumatizing circumstances, make this guide believable and practical. I also loved the biblical references and the comparison of raising children to being a gardener. The author explains that like flowers, each child is beautiful and unique. Even providing the best environment, children still have their individual choices and the outcome isn’t guaranteed. I also enjoyed how she explained a child’s behavior as safe vs. unsafe instead of good vs. bad. Ms. Orr is open and honest with her own emotions and weaknesses and this makes the book very relatable.
Though it’s geared for parents/caregivers and a Christian audience, I think anyone would benefit from reading this book. If you are striving to be a better, calmer person who’s more in control of their emotions, this guide offers useful solutions with practical applications. Highly recommend! I received an advanced copy from the publisher through NetGalley. All opinions are my own and I was not required to provide a positive review. 4 1/2 stars
The green signal is used to explain our brain when we are calm and most able to learn and absorb information. “Green brain” is using our neocortex. Yellow represents when our needs aren’t being met and we are anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. The yellow signal represents the limbic system where emotions cloud our judgement. Red represents the state when we are angry, out of control, and/or unreasonable. It’s impossible to deal rationally with someone in this state. The red signal represents brain stem function or the “lizard brain,” where the main concern is basic survival. With this in mind, the whole purpose of this book is to help recognize which state we are in and learn to guide ourselves and our children back to the “green brain” or a calmer state where we can make the best decisions and truly learn better behavior.
I could completely relate to many of the scenarios described when everything seems to be going wrong and patience is hanging by a thread. I found her advice extremely helpful and definitely learned something new even as a seasoned parent. It’s inevitable to make mistakes, and she provides a helpful way to reconnect with our children even when we make mistakes. The author also goes to great lengths to explain that this is not permissive parenting. It encourages children to take responsibility for their emotions and behavior with the goal of raising emotionally resilient children.
The author’s experiences with raising ten children, three of whom were adopted after enduring traumatizing circumstances, make this guide believable and practical. I also loved the biblical references and the comparison of raising children to being a gardener. The author explains that like flowers, each child is beautiful and unique. Even providing the best environment, children still have their individual choices and the outcome isn’t guaranteed. I also enjoyed how she explained a child’s behavior as safe vs. unsafe instead of good vs. bad. Ms. Orr is open and honest with her own emotions and weaknesses and this makes the book very relatable.
Though it’s geared for parents/caregivers and a Christian audience, I think anyone would benefit from reading this book. If you are striving to be a better, calmer person who’s more in control of their emotions, this guide offers useful solutions with practical applications. Highly recommend! I received an advanced copy from the publisher through NetGalley. All opinions are my own and I was not required to provide a positive review. 4 1/2 stars
October 24, 2022
In this simple, yet profound book, Cherilyn Orr offers the gift of her story of parenting seven children, four of whom are adopted— and what she has learned along the way. Her journey of parenting so many children sent her on a quest to learn about brain science and how to interact with children in ways that bring positive growth. She believes in a parenting approach that fuses scientific research and biblical wisdom together, and through this book, she shares this invaluable tool with her readers.
The basic tool is a stoplight. Red. Yellow. And Green. When children are in “red brain,” they are functioning out of their brain stem— they feel unsafe, overwhelmed, and powerless. The child may be angry, unable to think clearly, and cannot learn well in this state. As parents, we are invited to respond to children in “red” by stopping everything and helping the child calm down. We cannot try to talk or problem solve or teach a lesson if the child is is red brain. The child needs connection and to feel secure and loved.
The yellow light is when children are primarily activating their limbic system, when feelings and emotions are clouding the situation. Children may be irritable, unfocused, and feeling stressed, unsafe, and perhaps also tired and hungry. If we are aware of the signals, we can see our children getting upset— functioning in “yellow brain.” And it is our role to make them feel safe and valued and connected so that they can return to green brain— instead of descending into “red brain.”
Cheriyln Orr invites us to help our children be in “green brain.” This is when children are cooperative, empathetic, feeling safe and valued and content. This is when children are ready to learn. This is when the child can function using their neocortex.
From her many years of parenting, Cheriyln Orr knows that every day is a new opportunity and challenge— to face many red light moments and yellow light moments. She provides real stories and examples to help the reader learn about how to help calm children in such states— to help children return to feeling safe and loved (green brain).
I have not read very many parenting books, but this is definitely one I will recommend to anyone with kids—or anyone who works with kids! This simple stoplight tool provides an unforgettable image that seems easy to apply and explain to our children as well. Each chapter ends with reflective questions and beautiful prayers for the reader to use for further reflection.
The basic tool is a stoplight. Red. Yellow. And Green. When children are in “red brain,” they are functioning out of their brain stem— they feel unsafe, overwhelmed, and powerless. The child may be angry, unable to think clearly, and cannot learn well in this state. As parents, we are invited to respond to children in “red” by stopping everything and helping the child calm down. We cannot try to talk or problem solve or teach a lesson if the child is is red brain. The child needs connection and to feel secure and loved.
The yellow light is when children are primarily activating their limbic system, when feelings and emotions are clouding the situation. Children may be irritable, unfocused, and feeling stressed, unsafe, and perhaps also tired and hungry. If we are aware of the signals, we can see our children getting upset— functioning in “yellow brain.” And it is our role to make them feel safe and valued and connected so that they can return to green brain— instead of descending into “red brain.”
Cheriyln Orr invites us to help our children be in “green brain.” This is when children are cooperative, empathetic, feeling safe and valued and content. This is when children are ready to learn. This is when the child can function using their neocortex.
From her many years of parenting, Cheriyln Orr knows that every day is a new opportunity and challenge— to face many red light moments and yellow light moments. She provides real stories and examples to help the reader learn about how to help calm children in such states— to help children return to feeling safe and loved (green brain).
I have not read very many parenting books, but this is definitely one I will recommend to anyone with kids—or anyone who works with kids! This simple stoplight tool provides an unforgettable image that seems easy to apply and explain to our children as well. Each chapter ends with reflective questions and beautiful prayers for the reader to use for further reflection.
July 1, 2024
This book beautifully weaves scripture with scientific parenting concepts that I first learned of and embraced from Dan Siegel's Whole Brained Child (which the author, Cherilyn Orr, references often in these pages). I took many a note-to-self while reading through this book. It is not comprehensive, but it is full of wisdom and practical application for parenting at any age. I learned not only how to better regulate my children, but also myself, and received confirmation of the fact that our anxiety affects not only ourselves and our parenting choices, but also how our children respond to us. The stop light parenting approach makes it easy to discuss discipline, anxiety, and calming techniques with your children. I've already been putting it to use and seeing improvements in the first week. It's a great encouragement.
The chapter I appreciate most is that which discussed the oft misunderstood Proverb, "spare the rod, spoil the child" (13:24). She carefully breaks this verse down, providing historical context, to -- in my mind -- definitively prove that this verse refers to gentle and loving correction and discipleship, or teaching. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul." How does he do this? With the rod that gently pulls us from danger and guides us to safety and sustenance. The shepherd never beat his sheep. The Lord doesn't beat us down. He loves us with great patience, long-suffering, fairness, and gentleness. People in the church have had this verse twisted for far too long and it makes me so sad to know that entire generations of children have suffered abuses at the hands of their parents who thought they were doing what was right, only to have to do years of therapy and hard work to break the chain of generational trauma. Don't beat your kids, folks. They're not loving or obeying you. They're afraid of you. Yes, you'll get immediate results, but it isn't out of love or respect. You're causing physical, mental, and emotional damage that will last a lot longer than their tantrums. *Soap box rant finished.*
Anyway, I highly recommend this book and I do believe it is one you can return to for wisdom through the ages and stages of parenting.
The chapter I appreciate most is that which discussed the oft misunderstood Proverb, "spare the rod, spoil the child" (13:24). She carefully breaks this verse down, providing historical context, to -- in my mind -- definitively prove that this verse refers to gentle and loving correction and discipleship, or teaching. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul." How does he do this? With the rod that gently pulls us from danger and guides us to safety and sustenance. The shepherd never beat his sheep. The Lord doesn't beat us down. He loves us with great patience, long-suffering, fairness, and gentleness. People in the church have had this verse twisted for far too long and it makes me so sad to know that entire generations of children have suffered abuses at the hands of their parents who thought they were doing what was right, only to have to do years of therapy and hard work to break the chain of generational trauma. Don't beat your kids, folks. They're not loving or obeying you. They're afraid of you. Yes, you'll get immediate results, but it isn't out of love or respect. You're causing physical, mental, and emotional damage that will last a lot longer than their tantrums. *Soap box rant finished.*
Anyway, I highly recommend this book and I do believe it is one you can return to for wisdom through the ages and stages of parenting.
January 8, 2025
I've been reading about neuroscience and neuroplasticity for the last 4 years. Creating new neural pathways is a possibility, and I'm a testament to it. I've had this book for 2 years, and I just finally got around to it. I actually have been implementing a lot of the approach, but Mrs. Orr's explanation of the Stoplight approach has given me a BIGGER and better perspective, especially since I'm just starting the teenage years. Wow! A lot of parenting really triggers the way we were parented, BUT this does not have to be our story. We can change and rewrite the way we parent. We just have to learn it. It was in my first year as a parent, and really the third year when I had both daughters at ages 1 and 2 that I realized that I was scared. I was acting out things that I grew up seeing, and I despised it. I was a very reactionary person. I'm still prone to react, but now I have tools. I have breathing exercises. I'm aware of what triggers me and what different approach i need to take. This is what this book is about. It's a set of tools to help parents navigate how not to react but how to parent in love with tools. God gives wisdom, and there is so much wisdom in this book that can better equip parents. Just this week, as I've been reading this book, my husband has commended my calmer spirit. I want to be more playful with my girls and have a really great relationship with them. I'm looking forward implementing more of this approach in my every day life.
"The Stoplight Approach involves understanding the science of how our brains function and seeking to let that understanding shape how we relate to, and communicate with, our children. It is a wonderful lens through which we can see ourselves and others, and adapt how we teach, train, and love. Stoplight has great insights, but it is the long, deep journey of receiving and practicing the presence of God Himself that enlivens and empowers these ideas."
"The Stoplight Approach involves understanding the science of how our brains function and seeking to let that understanding shape how we relate to, and communicate with, our children. It is a wonderful lens through which we can see ourselves and others, and adapt how we teach, train, and love. Stoplight has great insights, but it is the long, deep journey of receiving and practicing the presence of God Himself that enlivens and empowers these ideas."
May 7, 2023
Book 64 of 2023
I have been reading a lot of books over the past year on teaching kids how to regular their emotions, the best ways to instill resilience and understanding discipline vs consequences. I am going to say this one is probably the most applicable, easy-to-understand and practical of them all. The lessons I learned in No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel were both were good, but very cerebral. The Explosive Child that I read back in November had a good three-step implementation process, and I love everything I have read by Kathy Koch.
BUT THIS.... @CherilynOrr has taken all of these concepts and brought them into one, easy to understand system that is applicable to both me and my child. I absolutely loved her explanation of the Green Brain, Yellow Brain and Red Brain. The Stoplight Approach has so many interesting aspects to it, and @CherlynOrr explains them in a way that is easy to understand, process through and implement. I appreciate her approach that is based in science, yet she acknowledges the spiritual aspect of the home and raising our children in faith. It is rare to find this pairing together and it was exactly what I was looking for. I would highly recommend this to anyone who wants to read more about emotions and resiliency growth within their families.
Rating -- four and a half stars
Format -- paperback
I have been reading a lot of books over the past year on teaching kids how to regular their emotions, the best ways to instill resilience and understanding discipline vs consequences. I am going to say this one is probably the most applicable, easy-to-understand and practical of them all. The lessons I learned in No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel were both were good, but very cerebral. The Explosive Child that I read back in November had a good three-step implementation process, and I love everything I have read by Kathy Koch.
BUT THIS.... @CherilynOrr has taken all of these concepts and brought them into one, easy to understand system that is applicable to both me and my child. I absolutely loved her explanation of the Green Brain, Yellow Brain and Red Brain. The Stoplight Approach has so many interesting aspects to it, and @CherlynOrr explains them in a way that is easy to understand, process through and implement. I appreciate her approach that is based in science, yet she acknowledges the spiritual aspect of the home and raising our children in faith. It is rare to find this pairing together and it was exactly what I was looking for. I would highly recommend this to anyone who wants to read more about emotions and resiliency growth within their families.
Rating -- four and a half stars
Format -- paperback
July 15, 2022
They say that there is no parenting manual for raising children -- but having an adaptable communication tool that helps you and your children understand and relate to one another is certainly a huge help. Cherilyn Orr, in her book, Signals: How Brain Science and the Bible Help Parents Raise Resilient Children, gives us a very practical and versatile strategy for parenting that promotes growth and unity. Using a concept called the Stoplight Approach, a parent can analyze in any given situation what brain mode both they and their child are in. This information guides how the parent will respond to the child in order to bring about a positive teaching moment - getting at the root cause of behavior rather than merely reacting to the child’s conduct and bringing further chaos and division. I also appreciate how this philosophy sees the primary role of the parent as that of nurturing the spiritual formation of their children. God has designed our brains, emotions and reactions to be interconnected. If you want to understand and communicate with your child in a way that helps them to grow in their ability to maturely engage with your family and the world around them, this book is for you.
July 15, 2022
Signals has given me invaluable emotional tools and understanding of the brain science behind our emotions which I can apply in all my relationships.
The author shares her own story of learning to parent with this approach and is very transparent about her trials and triumphs.
My kids were adults when I began to apply this approach to our lives, but it’s never to late to grow in emotional intelligence and tools that can improve relationships.
As a wife, mother, gramma and teacher, the stoplight signals provide simple language to easily share with members of my family when I’m in red or yellow and need some space to get back into green.
As a teacher and instructor therapist, I use these colours already with my students within the school and therapy centre. The author’s explanation of the brain science behind the colours, explains why this approach is effective. Kids cannot learn when their brains are in yellow and red, so let’s teach them to identify when they are in red or yellow and use a tool such as breathing or squeezing a squishy toy or having a movement break or asking for a hug, etc.
The author shares her own story of learning to parent with this approach and is very transparent about her trials and triumphs.
My kids were adults when I began to apply this approach to our lives, but it’s never to late to grow in emotional intelligence and tools that can improve relationships.
As a wife, mother, gramma and teacher, the stoplight signals provide simple language to easily share with members of my family when I’m in red or yellow and need some space to get back into green.
As a teacher and instructor therapist, I use these colours already with my students within the school and therapy centre. The author’s explanation of the brain science behind the colours, explains why this approach is effective. Kids cannot learn when their brains are in yellow and red, so let’s teach them to identify when they are in red or yellow and use a tool such as breathing or squeezing a squishy toy or having a movement break or asking for a hug, etc.
July 11, 2022
Signals is a great book that helps families or anyone working with children to develop healthy strong relationships. Signals is easy to read or listen to. The author, Cherilyn Orr, encourages us to simplify our lives to help us live in a healthier mindset relationally. The book is filled with real life stories, practical tools, skills, tips and strategies for creating strong family relationships. The part I loved most about the book is the encouragement to be more reflective and intentional in relationships with those we are nurturing. Thank you Cherilyn for sharing from a place of vulnerability. This book is a game changer and will benefit the reader to learn, grow and change in any relational setting. It is filled with many great reminders of God’s unconditional love, grace and mercy for each of us and to extend this to others.
June 21, 2022
This book is full of practical tools and a clever approach to relationships! I feel encouraged in my role as an aunt to continue having grace for moments that don't go as hoped and work on regulating my emotions. This book has given me many tools to improve my responses with my niece and other children I interact with! I suggest taking this book slow and working on applying the advice as well as getting all caregivers on the same page if that is possible. I also appreciate the biblical perspectives offered in this book vs the parenting book by Cherilyn Orr!
July 19, 2022
This book offers a framework to evaluate the emotional state of our children and ourselves, helping parents improve interactions and strengthen relationships within the family. This is a critical element of good parenting that can be easily overlooked. Cherilyn takes the reader beyond outcome based parenting, to understanding the way our brain state influences our ability to learn and interact. I have found the metaphor of the stoplight that she explains is very helpful in understanding myself and others.
Want to read
July 9, 2022In this book Cherilyn gives examples from her own life and how you as a caregiver can learn about emotional literacy and recognize it in your own life. I love the philosophy of The Stoplight Approach and I can easily recognize if someone is in red, yellow or green brain state.
I love how Cherilyn relates God's love to brain science and as we are in a green brain state we are happier, have more capacity to think and use our brain capacity at 100 percent.
I love how Cherilyn relates God's love to brain science and as we are in a green brain state we are happier, have more capacity to think and use our brain capacity at 100 percent.
July 10, 2022
This book was one of the best books I have ever read on how to build relationships with anyone I interact. It is appropriate for individuals, families, church groups, corporations, schools, etc. The use of the Red, Yellow, Green colors of the stoplight made this an easy read as well as so applicable to any one who wants to know himself and to be able to build healthy relationships. Definitely a book I will recommend to anyone asking me if I have read a bood book this summer.
July 18, 2022
This book is full of practical Information and encouragement for parents and grandparents of young children. This parenting philosophy is grounded in love and relationship. The author has deep insights into the heart of disciplining in a way that helps build attachment and emotional connection. The simple stoplight color imagery is easy to use with all age groups. Highly recommend this book to new parents and those in the middle of the process.
July 18, 2022
Signals is an invaluable book for parents and caregivers, although I think that it applies to all types of relationships. The way that the book takes brain science and simplifies it into easy-to-understand language makes it helpful to understand yourself and others in a whole new way. Highly recommend this book to all who are looking to grow toward deeper connection and healthier relationships with the people in their lives!
July 19, 2022
I'm not a parent or a teacher - and still the information in this book is literally life changing. I thought I was already an emotionally intelligent person, but Cherilyn Orr provides such a simple framework to understanding the "why" behind the feelings and reactions I, my friends, my family, and my coworkers all experience on a day-to-day basis. I see the world differently because of what Signals and The Stoplight Approach offers. If you want to become a better human: Read. This. Book.
August 10, 2022
Cherilyn has an amazing capacity to be real and humble about parenting her seven kids, four of whom were adopted and had special needs, and to convey her knowledge in a simple, relatable way. This book teaches about how to have an emotionally healthy home, and emotional self awareness tools for both adult and child. It gives us all the tools we need to create an open, “green” brain, where we can thrive, love, connect, learn and grow.
August 28, 2022
I just “happened” to come across this book, and was amazed when it answered so many of the questions and struggles I’ve been dealing with as a mom lately. The Stoplight concept is brilliantly simple and easy enough for even little kids and exhausted moms to remember. I appreciated all the very practical ideas for how to use the concepts in real world situations and wished that I could have a personal convo with the author. Highly recommend to all parents!
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