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Childless Voices: Stories of Longing, Loss, Resistance and Choice
From the playgrounds of Glasgow to the villages of Bangladesh; from religious rites to ancient superstitions; from the world's richest people to its powerless and enslaved, Lorna Gibb's masterful Childless Voices paints a global portrait of people without children. Brilliantly grouped by thematic commonality (Those who long, Those who were denied, Those who Choose, etc) the book is a testament to the power of listening, and the power of sharing stories. It is an essential, moving and surprising book on a subject which touches everyone.
- GenresNonfictionFeminism
288 pages, Paperback
Published February 11, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
March 11, 2019
(3.75) People end up not having children for any number of reasons: medical issues, bereavement, a lack of finances, not having a partner at the right time, or the simple decision not to become a parent. The subtitle of Lorna Gibb’s Childless Voices acknowledges these various routes: “Stories of Longing, Loss, Resistance and Choice.”
For Gibb, a university lecturer, biographer and novelist, the childless state was involuntary, a result of severe endometriosis that led to infertility and early menopause. Although this has been a source of sadness for her and her husband, she knows that she has it easy compared to women in other parts of the world. Through her research and Skype interviews, she hears horrific stories about infertile women who meet with domestic violence and social ostracism and are sometimes driven to suicide. In Ghana childless women can be branded as witches and exiled. Meanwhile, some are never given the chance to have the children they might long for: Gibb cites China’s one-child policy, female genital mutilation, and enforced sterilization programs like those of the Roma in Yugoslavia and the Quechua in Peru.
Gibb is admirably comprehensive here, considering every possible aspect of childlessness. Particularly interesting are the different cultural adaptations childless women make. Certain countries allow polygamy, giving a second wife a chance to bear children on behalf of an infertile one; Kenya and other parts of sub-Saharan Africa recognize ‘marriages’ between childless women so they can create a family and support system. In Albania being a “sworn virgin” is an old and venerable custom. And, of course, there are any number of support groups and online communities. The situation of those who were once parents but are no longer is especially wrenching. Stillbirth only started to be talked about in the 1980s, Gibb notes, but even today is seen as a lesser loss than that of a child who dies later in life.
The author believes there is societal injustice in terms of who has access to fertility treatment and how the state deals with childless people. In the UK, she characterizes IVF as a “postcode lottery”: where you live often determines how many free cycles you’re entitled to on the NHS. In the USA, meanwhile, fertility treatment is so expensive that only those with a certain level of wealth can consider it. The childless may also feel ‘punished’ by tax breaks that favor parents and workplaces that expect non-parents to work unsociable hours. In a sense, then, the childless contribute more but benefit less.
Chosen childlessness is perhaps given short shrift at just 32 pages out of 239. However, it’s still a very thorough treatment of the reasons why couples decide not to become parents, including cultural norms, career goals, self-knowledge and environmental concerns. No surprise that this was the chapter that resonated with me the most. I also especially enjoyed the personal interludes (all titled “A Short Note on…”) in which Gibb celebrates her feminist, childless heroes like Frida Kahlo and Anaïs Nin and writes about how much becoming a godmother meant to her but also of the sadness of seeing a good friend’s teenage son die of a brain tumor.
By coincidence, I’ve recently read another book on the same topic: Do You Have Kids? Life when the Answer Is No, by Kate Kaufmann (coming out in America next month). Gibb primarily traces the many different reasons for childlessness; Kaufmann mostly addresses the question of “now what?” – how women without children approach careers, wider family life, housing options, spirituality and the notion of leaving a legacy. Gibb’s approach is international and comparative, while Kaufmann’s is largely specific to the USA. Though the two authors are childless due to endometriosis and infertility, they feel sisterhood with women who never became mothers for whatever reason. I’d say these two books are complementary rather than rivals, and reveal valuable perspectives that can sometimes be overlooked.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
For Gibb, a university lecturer, biographer and novelist, the childless state was involuntary, a result of severe endometriosis that led to infertility and early menopause. Although this has been a source of sadness for her and her husband, she knows that she has it easy compared to women in other parts of the world. Through her research and Skype interviews, she hears horrific stories about infertile women who meet with domestic violence and social ostracism and are sometimes driven to suicide. In Ghana childless women can be branded as witches and exiled. Meanwhile, some are never given the chance to have the children they might long for: Gibb cites China’s one-child policy, female genital mutilation, and enforced sterilization programs like those of the Roma in Yugoslavia and the Quechua in Peru.
Gibb is admirably comprehensive here, considering every possible aspect of childlessness. Particularly interesting are the different cultural adaptations childless women make. Certain countries allow polygamy, giving a second wife a chance to bear children on behalf of an infertile one; Kenya and other parts of sub-Saharan Africa recognize ‘marriages’ between childless women so they can create a family and support system. In Albania being a “sworn virgin” is an old and venerable custom. And, of course, there are any number of support groups and online communities. The situation of those who were once parents but are no longer is especially wrenching. Stillbirth only started to be talked about in the 1980s, Gibb notes, but even today is seen as a lesser loss than that of a child who dies later in life.
The author believes there is societal injustice in terms of who has access to fertility treatment and how the state deals with childless people. In the UK, she characterizes IVF as a “postcode lottery”: where you live often determines how many free cycles you’re entitled to on the NHS. In the USA, meanwhile, fertility treatment is so expensive that only those with a certain level of wealth can consider it. The childless may also feel ‘punished’ by tax breaks that favor parents and workplaces that expect non-parents to work unsociable hours. In a sense, then, the childless contribute more but benefit less.
Chosen childlessness is perhaps given short shrift at just 32 pages out of 239. However, it’s still a very thorough treatment of the reasons why couples decide not to become parents, including cultural norms, career goals, self-knowledge and environmental concerns. No surprise that this was the chapter that resonated with me the most. I also especially enjoyed the personal interludes (all titled “A Short Note on…”) in which Gibb celebrates her feminist, childless heroes like Frida Kahlo and Anaïs Nin and writes about how much becoming a godmother meant to her but also of the sadness of seeing a good friend’s teenage son die of a brain tumor.
By coincidence, I’ve recently read another book on the same topic: Do You Have Kids? Life when the Answer Is No, by Kate Kaufmann (coming out in America next month). Gibb primarily traces the many different reasons for childlessness; Kaufmann mostly addresses the question of “now what?” – how women without children approach careers, wider family life, housing options, spirituality and the notion of leaving a legacy. Gibb’s approach is international and comparative, while Kaufmann’s is largely specific to the USA. Though the two authors are childless due to endometriosis and infertility, they feel sisterhood with women who never became mothers for whatever reason. I’d say these two books are complementary rather than rivals, and reveal valuable perspectives that can sometimes be overlooked.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
April 17, 2020
I was hoping for a slightly bigger/ more fleshed out section on people who are childless by choice, or trans stories, but some really interesting revelations in here about cultural practices around the world.
August 16, 2021
Did you know that in some cultures women who cannot bear children are branded as witches? Or that in other cultures, if the first wife does not give the husband a child, he has the legal right to take a second wife to bear children for him? These are just a couple of the things I learned from this book, which stands far above the crowd of recent books on childlessness, including the two I published myself. Through extensive research, Gibb gives us a detailed view of how the childless are treated. So often we get caught up in the first-world question of whether we want to have children, but in many cultures, it is not optional. In fact, failure to reproduce can be so shameful that women commit suicide over it. It is important for people to know the whole world is not the same as Gibb’s UK or my own USA. In this book, Gibb also looks at those who choose to be childless, those who had children but lost them, and those undergo extreme physical and emotional challenges in the hope of becoming pregnant. For all of its research, Childless Voices is clear and easy to read. Gibb, whose endometriosis rendered her infertile, has created a comprehensive exploration of childlessness that everyone interested in the subject should read. My only complaint is that she barely touches on childlessness by circumstance/childless by marriage, but this is a fascinating book, and I highly recommend it.
June 23, 2022
Childless Voices by Dr Lorna Gibb
⭐⭐⭐⭐
TW: mentions abortion, fertility issues, loss of a child, and FGM.
Unlike any other book I have read before Lorna Gibb pours her soul into her book. Telling her own story of infertility and bringing to life the stories of others. She delves into the history of forced sterilisation, the cultural norms that drive opinions of women and children, and the choices of whether to have or not have children.
Focusing primarily on the female perspective this book gave an eye opening introduction into the brutal reality of human procreation. From being isolated from society to being physically beaten, this book leaves no stone unturned.
My only negative for this book would be that the stories covered lack inclusion. I would have liked to have seen more pieces from the male perspective and the perspective of those who identify outside of the gender binary. But overall, this book was an entertaining and informative read.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
TW: mentions abortion, fertility issues, loss of a child, and FGM.
Unlike any other book I have read before Lorna Gibb pours her soul into her book. Telling her own story of infertility and bringing to life the stories of others. She delves into the history of forced sterilisation, the cultural norms that drive opinions of women and children, and the choices of whether to have or not have children.
Focusing primarily on the female perspective this book gave an eye opening introduction into the brutal reality of human procreation. From being isolated from society to being physically beaten, this book leaves no stone unturned.
My only negative for this book would be that the stories covered lack inclusion. I would have liked to have seen more pieces from the male perspective and the perspective of those who identify outside of the gender binary. But overall, this book was an entertaining and informative read.
August 30, 2024
This is a comprehensive sweep across contemporary childlessness in which the academic Lorna Gibb crosses nations and cultures, identifying people who for whatever reason have no children. The trauma that is also carried here makes it a difficult book to digest, with so many stories of lives blighted by reasons out of their control. I'd urge anyone (childless or otherwise) to read this and feel the precipice of alienation that is many other people's reality - as this book takes you to places that no childless person in the developed world has as part of their experience. We witness the marginalised, overlooked, outcast lives of people who exist in states of far less privilege than us - second wives added into a marriage to bear children, childless women exiled to witch camps, unspeakable medical procedures forced upon women's bodies, women abused by their extended family.
Although, this isn't just a book about childlessness in other cultures. Lorna, who is childless herself, presents just as sympathetic and thorough an overview of people experiencing the same situation in developed countries - such as the fertility industry's false hopes, parents whose children died or disappeared, or an overview of the political and economic implications of non-parenthood. But it isn't all negative, as Lorna also analyses the lives of those who chose to be childfree.
There is enough interest in here to warrant a 100 separate books, and I hope other authors take up these stories to further expand our knowledge around this area globally. My heart goes out to every voice in this book - they all deserve to be heard. It is only then that we can start to bring real change for all childless people, wherever they are in the world.
Although, this isn't just a book about childlessness in other cultures. Lorna, who is childless herself, presents just as sympathetic and thorough an overview of people experiencing the same situation in developed countries - such as the fertility industry's false hopes, parents whose children died or disappeared, or an overview of the political and economic implications of non-parenthood. But it isn't all negative, as Lorna also analyses the lives of those who chose to be childfree.
There is enough interest in here to warrant a 100 separate books, and I hope other authors take up these stories to further expand our knowledge around this area globally. My heart goes out to every voice in this book - they all deserve to be heard. It is only then that we can start to bring real change for all childless people, wherever they are in the world.
January 24, 2021
Lorna Gibb’s book sits somewhere between a memoir, sociological study and travelogue. As she herself wasn’t able to have children, a life-long struggle with this reality made her seek out other women with similar experiences all over the globe. She differentiates between childlessness for different reasons, after having lost a child, and after a forced sterilasition to name just a few. Reading it, it soon became obvious how varied the experience of childlessness truly is and how much of it is shaped by where you live. In her attempt to cover a lot of ground, some deeper exploration was necessarily lost and some fascinating stories felt rushed. For the depth of the subject, this is rather a slim book. I also would have appreciated more attention to different generations, especially since voluntary childlessness is on the rise in younger women. Still, I felt this was very much breaking new ground and doing it in a very approachable way and the importance of not equating womanhood with motherhood is a message worth spreading.
January 2, 2023
A good mix of facts, statistics and real life examples of a whole host of reasons why some people are childless whether by choice or not. Some of the stories are hard to read but opened my eyes to some situations I'd never previously considered.
July 13, 2019
3.5 stars
July 26, 2024
Thank You for this insightful information combinig personal experience with attitudes and views towards childless people in different countries and cultures.
June 8, 2021
I thought, there would be more and longer stories from the perspective of other women, as the is a lot of insight into the author at the beginning. But the author tells her story and weaves the stories of other women into it. We get a short glimpse into the lives of others, sometimes from the others' perspective, sometimes from the others' close relatives retelling. But all in all, we stay with the author, her feelings and how she copes with them. The insights into the lives of the others are also enlightening as they show how and why other women remain childless.
I didn't know that infertility is often not accepted as a medical condition. It's a bit shocking. All in all, a very interesting book even though I did not agree with all point of the discussion at the end.
Edit: I subtracted one star, as the discussion at the end still annoys me. I really don't like that the author proposes that every childfree person should have one year "sabbatical" as this is supposedly the same that parents get in the first year of the child. Taking care of a child in the first year is definitely stressful and not at all comparable to travelling the world or writing a book for a year. My approach would be to give everyone one year for his or her spending and people could decide if they would like to travel around or add this year to their parental leave.
Another point she raised is that childless or childfree persons have to work more in the evenings or at the weekend (if the job makes this necessary) and that people with children get the weekend "off" to spend it with their family. First, having children is also kind of a job. Ideally, it is also a lot of fun, but it is still a responsibility. Second, people with children usually, don't have the possibility of working in the evening or at the weekend as all schools, kindergartens, ... are closed, so the parents have to take care of their children. In this case, I would not pit the childless/-free against people with children but would argue that the care facilities should provide more flexible hours so that parents can have the option to work on the weekend or in the evening (some parents might even prefer that and can't, who knows).
I didn't know that infertility is often not accepted as a medical condition. It's a bit shocking. All in all, a very interesting book even though I did not agree with all point of the discussion at the end.
Edit: I subtracted one star, as the discussion at the end still annoys me. I really don't like that the author proposes that every childfree person should have one year "sabbatical" as this is supposedly the same that parents get in the first year of the child. Taking care of a child in the first year is definitely stressful and not at all comparable to travelling the world or writing a book for a year. My approach would be to give everyone one year for his or her spending and people could decide if they would like to travel around or add this year to their parental leave.
Another point she raised is that childless or childfree persons have to work more in the evenings or at the weekend (if the job makes this necessary) and that people with children get the weekend "off" to spend it with their family. First, having children is also kind of a job. Ideally, it is also a lot of fun, but it is still a responsibility. Second, people with children usually, don't have the possibility of working in the evening or at the weekend as all schools, kindergartens, ... are closed, so the parents have to take care of their children. In this case, I would not pit the childless/-free against people with children but would argue that the care facilities should provide more flexible hours so that parents can have the option to work on the weekend or in the evening (some parents might even prefer that and can't, who knows).
March 4, 2025
I read this during a heatwave sitting under a tree and feeling very pleased with myself.
No idea who I lent it to, though.
No idea who I lent it to, though.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews