Os primeiros serão os últimos: uma perspectiva bíblica sobre o narcisismo

by D.C. Robertsson, Paolo Paiva (Translator)

Descubra a sabedoria antiga da Bíblia sobre essas pessoas tóxicas - quem elas são, como foram assim, como lidar com elas e a palavra final de Deus sobre tudo isso.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Counselling, Self Help, Christian, Christianity, Relationships

316 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 26, 2019

Reviews

[Brandon H. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Updated Review

This was one of those books that started off good but gradually disintegrated as it went on. He quoted a ton of scripture from start to finish but his application of it left me scratching my head.

 The good, bad and ugly -

The good - 

I thought the Biblical definition of a narcissist and the common characteristics of narcissists was spot on. And the author pointed out a lot of narcissists in the Bible. However, I didn't think he was convincing regarding every Biblical character he claimed was a narcissist. I could see the evidence to support a few of them but not all of them.

The bad and ugly -

What I found most troubling was his advice on how to address the problems that come with relating to a narcissist. First, he suggests that having no contact or minimal contact is the secular way of dealing with a narcissist and therefore that is not an option for Christians. He also is of the view that Christians shouldn't seek counsel or advice or help from people and professionals who are not believers or hold a Christian worldview. He also seemed to imply that divorcing a narcissist is not an option for believers. (Perhaps this isn't his view but why was this not brought up?)

The author went onto give a long sermon on trusting God and how God works out everything for our best but I had a hard time seeing the relevance of that in dealing with a narcissist. And a common and repetitive theme throughout the book was that we should trust God. That was emphasized so much that it left one wondering if the author didn't see boundaries and boundaries with consequences as being essential when dealing with issues head-on. He did mention them briefly, very briefly. (I missed it and I should have reviewed the book more thoroughly before writing the original post of this review. I stand corrected on that point and offer my apologies to the author and anyone who may have read the original review.)

When asked, can the narcissist really get away with the havoc they wreak on people? The author's response was, don't obsess about the pain they inflict but quoting Psalm 37:3, he says, that we need to focus on our own walk. We need to trust God to deal with the narcissist. We need to get out of the way. I couldn't disagree more. I believe that we should trust God but that doesn't mean that we have no responsibility and right to protect our hearts and guard ourselves against the destructive behavior they often engage in.

Just focus on yourself. And by focusing on yourself the author means that we should saturate ourselves with the truth of God's word regarding ourselves. "Speak truth to yourself when Narcissist lies to you. Saturate yourself with GOD's word."

The author seemed to suggest that it's wrong to look to anybody else but God for strength and support. He also encouraged people to focus on their own purposes instead of focusing on their problems (with the narcissist). Yes, I can see not getting bogged down with the narcissist's toxic behavior and not letting them kidnap our lives like they tend to do, but boundaries are crucial. And while boundaries were mentioned in passing, it was underemphasized in my view.

Here's a quote I found troubling - "God uses our encounters with narcissists as one part of His difficult but necessary process to root out the junk in our own hearts and create fertile soil for love to flourish." Then goes on to quote Romans 5:5. I think the appropriate scriptural references at this point would be the ones on avoiding fools and hot-tempered people as well as not casting your pearls before swine or giving what is precious to dogs. (Matt. 7:6) And especially Prov. 4:23 on guarding your heart for it is the wellspring of life...

The author also suggested that if dealing with a narcissist we should ask God for wisdom on how to deal with them. I agree but then he added, "Ask for His wisdom, not human wisdom." So, humans have no insights or wisdom on how to deal with narcissists? And they are not an avenue through which God often provides us wisdom?
 
Here's another quote towards the end of the book that floored me - "This perspective on narcissism and dealing with narcissists may be unpopular, particularly in this modern era of victimhood and self-pity, the easy path is very attractive. However the narrow way, in the end, leads to life." And then quotes Matt. 7:12. So, if you don't subscribe to his advice, you're taking the wide road and you have been influenced by a culture of victimhood and you have self-pity?

The author also referenced a study on Narcissism in pastors that has since been debunked. See here -

https://julieroys.com/study-claiming-...

If you want a decent definition of what a narcissist is from a Biblical perspective, the first few chapters are good. But as for dealing with a narcissist, I'd suggest reading books like, "When to Walk Away" by Gary Thomas, "No more Christian Nice Guy" by Paul Coughlin, "Boundaries" and "Safe People" by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud, as well as "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship" by Leslie Vernick.

[Carrie Brownell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book up to read at a friend's suggestion and started reading it for the purpose of helping me understand one person, but I ended up developing an understanding of another person altogether.

Very well written. Robertsson backs everything he says up with scriptures and, most importantly, does not advocate removing all Narcissists from your life but helps you to understand and then deal with them. (For dealing with them does take a bit of an effort!)

If you think you might be dealing with a narcissist in your own life, I'd encourage you to pick up this book.

[Leslie Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read several books about narcissism and the perils that may be found when dealing with such people. What I like about this book is that it goes beyond explaining the behaviors and provides insight into the sins associated with narcissism, in particular insolent pride, contention, and strife. By examining biblical figures and applying the wisdom found in the scriptures, namely the Proverbs, the author provides a solid biblical framework. It has been helpful to me in learning how to stand up for truth and justice and allowing myself the freedom to pursue true peace by avoiding divisive and contentious people.

[Guilherme Joshua Blake · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the Portuguese language version of this, "Os Primeiros Serão Os Últimos". It was first of all immensely surprising that such a book even exists! And furthermore, that it turned out to be as balanced, well thought out and Biblical as it is. Dealing with and reading about Narcissism is an adventure all its own, but reconciling secular literature and the day-to-day practicalities with conventional Christian wisdom and Scripture can prove a complex, even agonizing, task. It's both a blessing and a challenge to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily entail being a doormat, a goody two-shoe or rolling over and dying, but that it does entail acting and thinking and deciding differently than others might. I think this book is an absolutely fantastic tool to any Christian who had already read about narcissism elsewhere and now wants to find out how, in and by faith, to deal with it. Its direct but also balanced, and open enough to point the way without imposing a specific step by step, one size fits all, model for universal use. It's just...good, and I'm all the better (wiser, more prepared and more at peace) for having read it.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the Godly wisdom I was looking for!

I have read many books and articles on everything narcissist in an attempt to gain understanding and direction. It was when I researched it from a Christian perspective that I found this book. It is the first, and only, that I will read. And I will read it again! I am compelled also to check out other books that DC Robertson has written. I am so glad I found this book. God has always brought books to me, because it is a way He is able to teach me. I am confident it is He who brought me to this one too!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic book on the topic of narcissism written from a Christian perspective. So much content available about narcissism is written from the perspective of pop psychology or heavily influenced by it. This book offers a truly biblical perspective on narcissism and uses biblical terms to describe narcissists and their sin (scoffers, insolent pride, etc.). I’m not familiar with the author but based on most of the people he quotes, I would guess he’s at least Calvinistic, possibly even Reformed. I think this is a very helpful, insightful book.

[Patty Betts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly informative and just an overall blessings of biblical insight to help navigate tough situations. Looking at all situations through the eyes of the Lord always brings hope, joy and peace! Thankful for this book…

[Aaron Hellman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A whole new and true way to view narcissism

We often rely on the World to tell us how things operate. Isn’t it better to rely on what God says about his creation? This book continually points us back to God, who is the true solution to everything.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful and encouraging! ❤️ Even using the word narcissist is often frowned upon in Christian circles, so I really appreciated this solid Biblical perspective on how to understand and process relationship challenges and pain from dealings with narcissists. We are told in the Bible to be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves. Part of that entails being aware that these types of people and tendencies are very real and destructive, so you can protect yourself and others, recognize sinful temptations in your own heart, and heal from abuse by narcissists in a way that honors God rather than turning you into a victim and instrument of Satan.

[Tim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book for every pastor to read. Narcissistic behavior is a problem within the church. I agree we need God’s wisdom dealing with Narcissists. They prey on the naive, innocent, and abuse the gracious acts of others for their own benefit. I have encountered them within church, and they are very exhausting. God is the only one capable to give the victims of narcissists peace and wisdom and can change the hearts of the narcissist.

[Sheila D. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very self explanatory concerning narcissistic behavior. The author seems to have a very good grasp for the subject. I've dealt with at least one maybe two who seem to have the characteristics of narcissistic behavior. I would recommend this book to anyone seeking answers on the subject.

Sheila D. Ingram Webb

[Willow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found most of this book to be spot-on, but the last parts especially were lacking. There is definitely a lot of important information and perspective, whilst perhaps requiring a grain of salt and an additional resource such as "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

The best things I came away with from this book are:
1) Finally a validation that it IS possible for a narcissistic person to change (when God initiates and changes the heart).*

2) Biblical passages and Proverbs that speak about narcissists (of course, in terms other than that, like prideful, arrogant, hot-tempered, foolish) and what a wise person can do in response.

3) The revealing of a need for repentance in my own heart, for apathy towards the additional narcissists that have been in and out of my life, when I ought to have been praying for them. The George Müller anecdote [wherein for decades and decades, he daily prayed for the salvation of five specific people he knew] was convicting and inspiring. By emotional necessity as well as cultural advice, we tend to attempt a complete purge of toxic people from our lives and spend the time that should be spent in prayer for them instead working hard to forget about them. I need to restructure my prayer life.

*I know it is a very small percentage and quite unusual and I may be in a unique position, but when secular psychology continually reiterates that they will NEVER change, what does one do when one has a close relationship with a changed person, other than be perpetually fearful that it's all fake and he's duping me again? To have seen and lived multiple years of changed behavior, to have put up boundaries and found that they were respected, to have forgiven and worked hard at rebuilding foundations and to have prayed for restoration of the years the locusts have eaten and been inside that gradual process, and to have seen the sustained fruit and repentant heart that looks to Christ for salvation...
...and then to have it perpetually bounce around in the back of my mind that [they say] this isn't really possible? Very difficult to heal and learn to trust, no? Very difficult to stop thinking of all the past things, no? It puts one in the exhausting position of re-forgiving daily, hourly, even though the offenses were washed away years ago and not repeated since. Of finding bitterness has taken root even though the time of fire is past.
Is it a perfect, sinless outcome? Of course not. Are there still traces of arrogance? Yep. Is there abuse anymore? Thankfully, no. And only because of the Lord and His grace.

[Shawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone struggles with pride and dislikes having to admit fault. That doesn’t make one a narcissist. From God’s Word, this book shines light on how secularism defines narcissism then gives the Biblical profile of a narcissist, gives examples of narcissists in the Bible, shares case studies, works through three important questions, and much more. The author also provides good information and advice if you are entangled with a narcissist. He gives suggestions on how to protect yourself from the wiles of a narcissist, helps you know what to pray for on their behalf, and encourages you to trust that God is doing a work in you while you leave the narcissist in His hands.

Who should read this book? Everyone, but especially church leaders and counselors.

[Emma Grace Blumer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a helpful read - very biblically based. It was somewhat repetitive, although they are certainly helpful reminders !

[Ryan Fregoso · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fascinating book. I didn’t have a specific purpose for reading this, aside from curiosity from the title and description. Robertsson did an excellent job speaking to this topic biblically. Very interesting to understand the psychology and theology of this topic and what narcissistic people seek.

[Laura Metzger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sound Biblical examples, but not much solution.

I appreciate that this book exists (and the info on his blog). It does help to see these personalities in the light of Scripture.
I did come away a bit frustrated with the lack of solution. This book basically shows that the wise counsel of Scripture says to walk away from highly narcissistic personalities, and those situations where there is no hope of resolution (barring a miracle). However, what I took away is that the opinion of the author is that this is true in every case, *except when the narcissists are your parents*. In that case, you were not merely born into this torment, you were chosen for this torment, and your calling is to endure it to the end.
This is particularly troublesome, since we know that remaining in a lifetime of abuse, perpetuates abuse. This sets the stage for generational sin to continue its toxic and damaging cycle, an actual curse playing out for as long as the family stays in the game.
Long term psychological abuse creates reactive abuse in the abused, along with C-PTSD, etc. This is a problem for everyone, not just the family involved. We have many people walking around with broken brains because of teachers of the Bible promoting a disempowering message.... "This is your lot on life", by using Scripture out of context.
The truth is, without miraculous intervention (I do believe miracles can and do happen), a narcissist will not change, and a person raised by a narcissist or worse, narcissists, will be too unhealthy themselves to "honor" their father or mother while maintaining close contact. When that is the case, the child of the narcissist must maintain enough of a safe, emotional distance that they CAN honor them in their thoughts and actions, AND be able to show up in their other relationships in a healthy way.
If the child is married, their first priority is their relationship to their spouse and children. This is a sacred relationship that must be protected and nurtured so that the generational curse does not get passed down any further.
Remember all of the righteous kings of Israel who "did not walk in the way of their father". Repentance is a turning away from the ways that do not work (sin), and so we repent of the sins of our "fathers" and our own sin... we don't stay in it because they want us to.
Narcissists are adults who did not emotionally develop. There comes a time to put away childish ways, even when it upsets some influential people. The people we allow to influence us, must be those who build us up, bring out our best and inspire us to greatness, not those who tear down, nurture bitterness of heart, and bring out the worst in us. Bad company corrupts good character. This Biblical truth is true no matter if the "bad company" is your co-worker or your parent.
Do what you need to do to get healthy and stay healthy, and inspire others to do the same so that the next generation will be blessed. Cling to Christ, get to know God (YHWH) as your Abba Father and allow Him to nurture the wounds of your heart that come from not receiving the love owed to you by your parent. We love God because He first loved us. A parent owes their child love, before a child owes the parent honor.

[Timothy Skaggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you, like me, are tired of wading through modern psychology to find the spirit that drives such attitudes as narcissism, this book is a breath of fresh air.
The author draws parallels from Proverbs and Jesus’ dealing with pharisees to construct the narcissist that modern psychology struggles to comprehend. But further development shows how to work with and pray for a narcissist. But more importantly, it shows how someone that is dealing with a narcissist should act.

We all have narcissists in our lives and every human has a degree of narcissism as a result of the fall (wanting to be better than or equal to God), so this book will help edify anyone who desires to draw more functional reality from the pages of scripture.

[Marion Wiley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book on the narcissistic personality and how to deal with it. This book lists tactics and characteristics I hadn't seen in other descriptions, but have surely seen in the family narcissist, notably the constant complaining. And the determination to get someone else to do the grunt work. Oh yeah. I particularly like the way this is all tied to "scoffers" in the old testament, and "wolves" in the new. And my, they do devour. Almost all of this rings so true and relevant to my experiences. Highly recommended.

[D. Kenwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful in giving me an alternate to the standard advice on dealing with narcissists. It does not trash the secular observations on the subject, but opens the box of bringing God into the equation. It seems to me to be a balanced treatment, and is a good jumping off point for further study.

[Christian Briggs · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was alright. I was hoping for help with the narcissist living in my heart. We must trust the Lord with our whole heart, but a big part of me doesn't believe in God's love, and is always craving the affirmation of others. This book I think said all the right things, I just gotta keep reminding myself of God's love and wait for God to take away the blindness.

[Darryl Burling · Rating 2 out of 5]

This books had some helpful ideas in it and is generally a biblically based book. However the writing is not great and the content is mostly padding. If this were 100 or so pages it would be a better book. As it is, it seems interminably long. Books like this reinforce the benefit of having a good editor.

[Rob Payne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting read. Great use of Biblical example in his perspective on the topic.

[Miranda Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped to where narcissism was throughout the Bible. The word Narcissistic has become a buzz word over the last 10 years that it seemed to lose a lot of meaning. The scripture alone in this book brought a new level of understanding.

[JMayer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fundamentally this book provided plenty of explanation and broad “reasons” for certain behavior or characteristics of narcissistic people. It’s challenging for the reader because while the author doesn’t excuse the behavior, he does show us, as followers of Jesus, how we are to model Jesus’ behavior toward difficult, prideful people who have hurt us. He doesn’t come right out and say we should allow the behavior or consider it acceptable simply because we are Christian and should turn our cheek or love our neighbor. He does explain other narcissists in the Bible, how Jesus handled relationships with them and what scripture tells us how God will ultimately handle it in the end. It takes pressure off the abused to seek revenge. It shows us how little control we have in changing the person and how that shouldn’t be our goal.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very good resource. He covered three perspectives. A "Christian counseling" perspective, a psychology perspective, and a biblical perspective. There is a lot to unpack here and I found it to be a helpful review of the subject.

[Corey Keast · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great perspective

Good perspective. Appreciated the biblical mindset when tackling this issue. Worth the price in reading as it does categorize the issue, the reasons why, and also how to defend yourself using Scripture.

[David C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most comprehensive on the subject

[ken wade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insights!

Really helped me to better understand the narcissists in my life and in my own character as well. Loved how the scriptures are interwoven throughout.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is a website that is also very helpful.

[Candy Shepard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the most honest, the most thorough book of Biblical guidance through relating to a narcissist! I am so impressed!