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Another Place at the Table
For more than a decade, Kathy Harrison has sheltered a shifting cast of troubled youngsters-the offspring of prostitutes and addicts; the sons and daughters of abusers; and teenage parents who can't handle parenthood. What would motivate someone to give herself over to constant, largely uncompensated chaos? How does she manage her extraordinary blended family? Why would anyone voluntarily take on her job?
Harrison is no saint, but an ordinary woman doing heroic work. In Another Place at the Table, she describes her life at our social services' front lines-centered around three children who, when they come together in her home, nearly destroy it. Danny, age eight, is borderline mentally retarded and a budding pedophile (a frequent result of sexual abuse in boys). No other family will take him in. Tough, magnetic Sara, age six, is dangerously promiscuous (a typical manifestation of abuse in girls). Karen, six months, shares Danny's legal advocate, who must represent the interests of both. All three living under the same roof will lead to an inevitable explosion-but for each, Harrison's care offers the greatest hope of a reinvented childhood.
For readers of The Lost Children of Wilder, Expecting Adam, and Somebody Else's Kids, this is the first-person story of a woman whose compassionate best intentions for a child are sometimes all that stand between violence and redemption.
Harrison is no saint, but an ordinary woman doing heroic work. In Another Place at the Table, she describes her life at our social services' front lines-centered around three children who, when they come together in her home, nearly destroy it. Danny, age eight, is borderline mentally retarded and a budding pedophile (a frequent result of sexual abuse in boys). No other family will take him in. Tough, magnetic Sara, age six, is dangerously promiscuous (a typical manifestation of abuse in girls). Karen, six months, shares Danny's legal advocate, who must represent the interests of both. All three living under the same roof will lead to an inevitable explosion-but for each, Harrison's care offers the greatest hope of a reinvented childhood.
For readers of The Lost Children of Wilder, Expecting Adam, and Somebody Else's Kids, this is the first-person story of a woman whose compassionate best intentions for a child are sometimes all that stand between violence and redemption.
Author Biography: Kathy Harrison has been a foster parent to nearly one hundred children. In 1996, she and her husband were named Massachusetts Foster Parents of the Year, and in 2002, they received the prestigious Goldie Foster Award.
7 pages, Audiobook
First published January 1, 2003
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May 13, 2019Pre-Review Note: I write this review as a current foster mother myself. I'm familiar with the current DSS system and the realities of foster care vs the ideal of foster care. And I have some Negative Thoughts about this book.
RECIPE:
1 grown adult woman with some sort of complex that compels her to take on specifically difficult foster child cases in numbers no sane person would take on if they wanted to give each child the attention they needed and the protection from added abuse they deserved
2 foster children who repeatedly sexually abuse their fellow foster siblings, yet stay (regrettably)
3 foster children who are molested by their foster siblings or, in 1 case, foster cousin (see above)
1 foster child who is beloved above all others to the point where the foster mom sees her as "hers" almost immediately
1 description of a mother's attorney whose job it is to advocate for reunification as a "hotshot feminist" -- I know a casual smear when I read one, and this offhand remark says so much about Harrison's true feelings about reunification as a parental right.
3? times I noticed biological parents being threatened with the cudgel-threat of cases being changed from reunification goals to adoption
Countless casual uses of the offensive word "retarded" and phrases like "not too bright" or descriptions of children as ugly, not pretty, obese, etc that are simply un fucking necessary and are often written in a way that feels like a barb against a child or parent. It felt ugly, mean, and small.
80 times I wanted to throw this book across the room because of Kathy's self-described need to answer the "siren call" of fostering "difficult" children, all while sneering at people who seem to want to "save the world" as though she is perfectly normal and not at all causing her own brand of harm by getting a special provision to allow her to have above the normal number of children in her home beyond the DSS limit, having children sleep on the couch instead of a bed for god's sakes, and for overstepping her role as a foster mother again and again and again.
Makes 1 serving of this book gives a terrible representation of what foster parenting should be and 1 serving of thank god regulations have tightened since this.
Look. I don't believe Kathy Harrison is a bad person. I try to give the benefit of the doubt to foster parents, myself being one! But Kathy Harrison as presented by herself in this memoir has done some real harm, which she does not take much responsibility for. It was Kathy Harrison who knowingly allowed children who she knew would molest other children to stay in the home at the expense of those other children, and the abuse they suffer seems shuffled to the back of Harrison's memoir, while the sympathy and regret for the children (victims themselves too given their histories, but still perpetrators of molestation) is piled on. But what snapped my heart closed on the molestation was the fact that Harrison never seems to consider not fucking taking children who present a risk to others when she has so many kids she should be caring about.
I get it. I do. The number of foster families isn't equal to the number of kids who need them. But no foster child should undergo more trauma and harm in a placement, and more than one child left the Harrison home having been molested in it. And that falls on the foster parents for their negligence since they knew such things were going on. You may have a heart for sexually abused children, but holy cow, that doesn't mean you're equipped to parent them in a home with other children who are at risk. For someone hellbent on sneering at foster parents with a "save the world" mentality, Kathy Harrison sure seemed to think she could save sexually abused children, and pays little penance in this memoir for the children harmed because of that belief in herself.
Also, the chronology is confusing.
Final thought: Considering Harrison's inability to remember a foster child's name at some point, maybe a better title would have been Another Place at the Table for Whatshisname.
Would not recommend.
RECIPE:
1 grown adult woman with some sort of complex that compels her to take on specifically difficult foster child cases in numbers no sane person would take on if they wanted to give each child the attention they needed and the protection from added abuse they deserved
2 foster children who repeatedly sexually abuse their fellow foster siblings, yet stay (regrettably)
3 foster children who are molested by their foster siblings or, in 1 case, foster cousin (see above)
1 foster child who is beloved above all others to the point where the foster mom sees her as "hers" almost immediately
1 description of a mother's attorney whose job it is to advocate for reunification as a "hotshot feminist" -- I know a casual smear when I read one, and this offhand remark says so much about Harrison's true feelings about reunification as a parental right.
3? times I noticed biological parents being threatened with the cudgel-threat of cases being changed from reunification goals to adoption
Countless casual uses of the offensive word "retarded" and phrases like "not too bright" or descriptions of children as ugly, not pretty, obese, etc that are simply un fucking necessary and are often written in a way that feels like a barb against a child or parent. It felt ugly, mean, and small.
80 times I wanted to throw this book across the room because of Kathy's self-described need to answer the "siren call" of fostering "difficult" children, all while sneering at people who seem to want to "save the world" as though she is perfectly normal and not at all causing her own brand of harm by getting a special provision to allow her to have above the normal number of children in her home beyond the DSS limit, having children sleep on the couch instead of a bed for god's sakes, and for overstepping her role as a foster mother again and again and again.
Makes 1 serving of this book gives a terrible representation of what foster parenting should be and 1 serving of thank god regulations have tightened since this.
Look. I don't believe Kathy Harrison is a bad person. I try to give the benefit of the doubt to foster parents, myself being one! But Kathy Harrison as presented by herself in this memoir has done some real harm, which she does not take much responsibility for. It was Kathy Harrison who knowingly allowed children who she knew would molest other children to stay in the home at the expense of those other children, and the abuse they suffer seems shuffled to the back of Harrison's memoir, while the sympathy and regret for the children (victims themselves too given their histories, but still perpetrators of molestation) is piled on. But what snapped my heart closed on the molestation was the fact that Harrison never seems to consider not fucking taking children who present a risk to others when she has so many kids she should be caring about.
I get it. I do. The number of foster families isn't equal to the number of kids who need them. But no foster child should undergo more trauma and harm in a placement, and more than one child left the Harrison home having been molested in it. And that falls on the foster parents for their negligence since they knew such things were going on. You may have a heart for sexually abused children, but holy cow, that doesn't mean you're equipped to parent them in a home with other children who are at risk. For someone hellbent on sneering at foster parents with a "save the world" mentality, Kathy Harrison sure seemed to think she could save sexually abused children, and pays little penance in this memoir for the children harmed because of that belief in herself.
Also, the chronology is confusing.
Final thought: Considering Harrison's inability to remember a foster child's name at some point, maybe a better title would have been Another Place at the Table for Whatshisname.
Would not recommend.
July 29, 2013
This was a really difficult book to read. Harrison has been foster mother to over 100 children, and here she details her experiences over just a few years and with a small selection of foster children. In chapter one, a midnight phone call brings Harrison a 10 month old with neck bruises and one eye swollen shut. This is a picture of my son at 10 months, to help you place that age:
This is a really, really difficult book to read.
There tend to be two depictions of foster parenting:
1. These children are so damaged they will probably kill you in your sleep
2. These are just kids that need someone to give them a chance
Like most things, the reality will fall somewhere in the middle. Harrison has moments of bad parenting like the rest of us where your temper is short and the whines are long and you wonder what series of decisions led you to this point. She also has moments of the sublime where she shows a truly magnificent depth of compassion. Foster parenting is not for everyone and I’m still not sure it’s for us until we give it a go, but this book is the most compelling thing I’ve read for getting involved. I don’t see how any of us, once we look, can look away. The problem is we are not looking. I wasn’t looking.
No society can call itself civilized when its youngest and most vulnerable members are not assured the most basic right. I do not refer to education or opportunity. I refer to the right to safety. To be safe, and to FEEL safe.
I applaud Harrison for picking up the torch and carrying on where many of us couldn’t, but more so I applaud her for her honest depiction of herself, the impact of foster care on her family, and the system overall. It takes courage to show your warts to the world, but her courage gives the rest of us courage to try it.
This is a really, really difficult book to read.
There tend to be two depictions of foster parenting:
1. These children are so damaged they will probably kill you in your sleep
2. These are just kids that need someone to give them a chance
Like most things, the reality will fall somewhere in the middle. Harrison has moments of bad parenting like the rest of us where your temper is short and the whines are long and you wonder what series of decisions led you to this point. She also has moments of the sublime where she shows a truly magnificent depth of compassion. Foster parenting is not for everyone and I’m still not sure it’s for us until we give it a go, but this book is the most compelling thing I’ve read for getting involved. I don’t see how any of us, once we look, can look away. The problem is we are not looking. I wasn’t looking.
No society can call itself civilized when its youngest and most vulnerable members are not assured the most basic right. I do not refer to education or opportunity. I refer to the right to safety. To be safe, and to FEEL safe.
I applaud Harrison for picking up the torch and carrying on where many of us couldn’t, but more so I applaud her for her honest depiction of herself, the impact of foster care on her family, and the system overall. It takes courage to show your warts to the world, but her courage gives the rest of us courage to try it.
April 11, 2012
As a therapeutic foster mother myself, I found some of her honesty refreshing about some of the mistakes she had made (most notably the princess crown). And some of her feelings were good for me to hear (that she shouldn't adopt a child that doesn't feel like "her" child after many years in the home).
However, much of this book was alarming to me. How the state of Massachusetts can allow such high numbers of children in one house is unbelievable to me. At times, although the writing was confusing, I am sure I counted up to ten kids in the house at one time. And these were kids with serious issues! Why were many of these children not therapeutic is beyond me - they needed to be in homes with fewer kids (or residential - where some of them ended up) and receiving elevated services for their elevated issues. I was saddened but not at all surprised that two girls were molested by another foster child while in their home - and that two of them were found in sexual play together. I don't want to judge the family, as I believe foster parents need to support one another, but it seems to me that the family needs to learn to say "no" sometimes. I could not believe that they were willing to take a child on a feeding tube as number what? nine at the time? I couldn't keep track. But why is the state allowing such high numbers in one home?
As for the writing, the author did a good job of sharing her memoirs of her fostering experience. However, the sequencing of events was not always clear (probably too much was happening at the same time). And she would name-drop all kinds of names here and there and expect us to know to whom she was referring or remember someone's random name from chapters ago. I remember someone's mom being named Pearl, but not having any idea who is was when she first said the name, because she just dropped it in the text like we all knew Pearl. It definitely could have been written so that I could follow it better.
Clearly, Kathy and Bruce have a huge heart for hurting children and we can learn a lot from them. I am sure they have helped many children over the years.
However, much of this book was alarming to me. How the state of Massachusetts can allow such high numbers of children in one house is unbelievable to me. At times, although the writing was confusing, I am sure I counted up to ten kids in the house at one time. And these were kids with serious issues! Why were many of these children not therapeutic is beyond me - they needed to be in homes with fewer kids (or residential - where some of them ended up) and receiving elevated services for their elevated issues. I was saddened but not at all surprised that two girls were molested by another foster child while in their home - and that two of them were found in sexual play together. I don't want to judge the family, as I believe foster parents need to support one another, but it seems to me that the family needs to learn to say "no" sometimes. I could not believe that they were willing to take a child on a feeding tube as number what? nine at the time? I couldn't keep track. But why is the state allowing such high numbers in one home?
As for the writing, the author did a good job of sharing her memoirs of her fostering experience. However, the sequencing of events was not always clear (probably too much was happening at the same time). And she would name-drop all kinds of names here and there and expect us to know to whom she was referring or remember someone's random name from chapters ago. I remember someone's mom being named Pearl, but not having any idea who is was when she first said the name, because she just dropped it in the text like we all knew Pearl. It definitely could have been written so that I could follow it better.
Clearly, Kathy and Bruce have a huge heart for hurting children and we can learn a lot from them. I am sure they have helped many children over the years.
March 29, 2022
A book to AVOID about foster care. A story of a foster parent who is trying to deal with her own need to be a savior of "difficult" and traumatized children by creating a home environment where she actively puts them at risk of additional abuse, sometimes has so many kids present they have to sleep on the couch and cannot get the attention they need and deserve, and casually describes children in her care using the r word and saying they are ugly. I don't think the author intended to harm children and do think she honestly wants to help, but foster places like this one are part of why the foster system is so dangerous for children. This is not a story to emulate and should not be seen as an inspirational story of getting through hard times foster, which it often is referred to as.
August 8, 2016
Really disappointed that I couldn't finish this one. It came highly recommended from several lists of suggested books for people interested in becoming foster parents.
The author uses the R-word very liberally throughout the book to describe some of the children in her care. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first because I realize this is an older read and politically correct terminology changes over time. But as the book progressed, the word started to feel less like a descriptor and more like a weapon against the child it was being used to describe. And I checked the pub date again and realized that I was in high school when the book was released. I absolutely knew by then that using the R-word was completely unacceptable and offensive. That the author (or her publisher, editor, and various prerelease readers/reviewers) didn't know this, or perhaps even chose to ignore it, seems sketchy at best and completely inexcusable at worst.
There were several other worrisome themes in the book, such as the author and her husband's seemingly inability to say no to social workers inquiring if they could take on more children. This, despite the fact that she stated at multiple times in the book that they were overwhelmed and felt like the children weren't receiving adequate attention from them. At one point she even admits that she had forgotten a foster children's name! The author is a privileged white woman who blatantly looks down upon the bio parents of the children in their care, and rarely gives them the benefit of the doubt. The viewpoint of the author was biased and one-sided.
I'd prefer to find a book about foster care from multiple POVs- foster parents, former and current foster children, bio parents, educators, and various workers in the system in order to have a better unbiased realistic picture of the foster care system as a whole.
The author uses the R-word very liberally throughout the book to describe some of the children in her care. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first because I realize this is an older read and politically correct terminology changes over time. But as the book progressed, the word started to feel less like a descriptor and more like a weapon against the child it was being used to describe. And I checked the pub date again and realized that I was in high school when the book was released. I absolutely knew by then that using the R-word was completely unacceptable and offensive. That the author (or her publisher, editor, and various prerelease readers/reviewers) didn't know this, or perhaps even chose to ignore it, seems sketchy at best and completely inexcusable at worst.
There were several other worrisome themes in the book, such as the author and her husband's seemingly inability to say no to social workers inquiring if they could take on more children. This, despite the fact that she stated at multiple times in the book that they were overwhelmed and felt like the children weren't receiving adequate attention from them. At one point she even admits that she had forgotten a foster children's name! The author is a privileged white woman who blatantly looks down upon the bio parents of the children in their care, and rarely gives them the benefit of the doubt. The viewpoint of the author was biased and one-sided.
I'd prefer to find a book about foster care from multiple POVs- foster parents, former and current foster children, bio parents, educators, and various workers in the system in order to have a better unbiased realistic picture of the foster care system as a whole.
May 2, 2015
If I had read this book without knowing a foster parent in real life, I would have been too terrified to ever even dream of considering fostering. Fortunately, I do know a real life foster parent and her experiences have not been anything like the crazy things Kathy Harrison dealt with. I really hope this book does not scare any potential foster parents out of at least seeking out more information about what fostering could be like.
I was trying to keep track of how many kids Kathy had. At one point, she had 5 permanent kids (3 bio, 2 adopted) and 5 foster kids for a total of 10. Part way through her time as a foster parent, a law was passed limiting homes to 6 kids under the age of 18. She still managed to get an exception to be able to have 8 if there was an emergency need. I am amazed that some people are able to take care of that many children, especially when some required constant, intense supervision. She said at one point that her self-identity was a mom who could handle the kids other people couldn't handle; she faced a personal crisis when she had to say "no" to accepting a child (with severe medical needs instead of the severe emotional needs she was used to dealing with).
This book was fascinating and let me know about some of the challenges foster parents face when dealing with abused children. It also reminded me of the importance of knowing your own limits.
I was trying to keep track of how many kids Kathy had. At one point, she had 5 permanent kids (3 bio, 2 adopted) and 5 foster kids for a total of 10. Part way through her time as a foster parent, a law was passed limiting homes to 6 kids under the age of 18. She still managed to get an exception to be able to have 8 if there was an emergency need. I am amazed that some people are able to take care of that many children, especially when some required constant, intense supervision. She said at one point that her self-identity was a mom who could handle the kids other people couldn't handle; she faced a personal crisis when she had to say "no" to accepting a child (with severe medical needs instead of the severe emotional needs she was used to dealing with).
This book was fascinating and let me know about some of the challenges foster parents face when dealing with abused children. It also reminded me of the importance of knowing your own limits.
January 26, 2015
What I appreciated most about this book was the author's honesty. It is difficult to be honest when you're writing/talking about something that people want to idealize. When someone wants to call you a saint for taking foster kids, it isn't necessary your first inclination to tell them about all of your mistakes. My husband and I have gotten a different picture from our foster care classes and I think that her experiences were a bit more old school fostering--overcrowding, birth parents as adversaries instead of teammates, neglectful social workers, etc. I didn't love the author and I wasn't taking notes about the things that we will do ourselves (more things we won't do!) but I did get a lot out of hearing about the kids so I can anticipate the kinds of stories that our kids will have.
May 9, 2017
This was a quick read for me. I was immediately hooked & almost read the entire book in one day.
I have great admiration for Kathy & Bruce. Fostering has been on my heart for years. I keep waiting for my children to get a little older.
I loved Kathy's honesty when it came to feeling connected w/ the children in her care & whether it made sense for them to stay or move on. IMO, if one child is affecting the harmony or safety of the rest of the family you must consider the larger equation.
What I found frustrating is that fostering seemed like an addiction to Kathy. Having a child like Sara in the home w/ multiple other foster children coming & going was outright dangerous & careless. I am truly trying to be non-judgmental but Sara deserved & desperately needed one on one attention. I can't comprehend the inability to just say no so that this family could properly care for the children that were their first priority.
I guess my upmost concern is that this book will turn people away from fostering. The idea of fostering one child or one family of children is common where I live but doesn't seem to relate to this story.
I have great admiration for Kathy & Bruce. Fostering has been on my heart for years. I keep waiting for my children to get a little older.
I loved Kathy's honesty when it came to feeling connected w/ the children in her care & whether it made sense for them to stay or move on. IMO, if one child is affecting the harmony or safety of the rest of the family you must consider the larger equation.
What I found frustrating is that fostering seemed like an addiction to Kathy. Having a child like Sara in the home w/ multiple other foster children coming & going was outright dangerous & careless. I am truly trying to be non-judgmental but Sara deserved & desperately needed one on one attention. I can't comprehend the inability to just say no so that this family could properly care for the children that were their first priority.
I guess my upmost concern is that this book will turn people away from fostering. The idea of fostering one child or one family of children is common where I live but doesn't seem to relate to this story.
January 13, 2009
This book was, for me, something that needed to be read a long time ago...and yet this was the perfect time for me to read it! Written by a foster mom who has cared for more than 100 children - she has found humor, love and bravery in doing the most mundane and humane job. I found the book enlightening about the foster care system and as someone currently in the system, I found validation. I laughed some, cried some and found myself getting angry a lot as she shares her experiences with a system that is often not looking out for the interests of the very children it espouses to be caring for. It is an easy read and you can be quickly drawn into the stories of the sweet children that are incredibly broken and seen terrible things. At their core they are still just children - wanting to be loved and lovable. Kathy Harrison is a saint and while I don't think I will ever attain that status (or strive to do so) - this book gives me something to think about and maybe try a little harder to dig a little deeper in my own life.
March 3, 2014
"We couldn't help but wish there had been another, less painful option to foster care. it felt odd to entangle ourself in a system...(that) seemed to do as much harm as good. I found it difficult to even identify myself as a foster parent. The press was so bad..." (Harrison, 7).
As a former parent to teen girls and their babies I could identify with Kathy Harrison's words. Being a foster parent was one of the most painful things I ever did, yet one of the best.
This book will help those who are considering fostering to understand what they are getting themselves into. As a foster parent you will learn things that will break you heart, you will find yourself frustrated with the system, you will find yourself spending more than the state gives you, and if you are lucky you will find one day that something you did made a difference in a child's life forever.
Foster care is not for the faint of heart. Read and understand the path you have choosen.
As a former parent to teen girls and their babies I could identify with Kathy Harrison's words. Being a foster parent was one of the most painful things I ever did, yet one of the best.
This book will help those who are considering fostering to understand what they are getting themselves into. As a foster parent you will learn things that will break you heart, you will find yourself frustrated with the system, you will find yourself spending more than the state gives you, and if you are lucky you will find one day that something you did made a difference in a child's life forever.
Foster care is not for the faint of heart. Read and understand the path you have choosen.
August 19, 2019
Real. Honest.
"This is what I have arrived at: I want to live a life that matters, a life that makes a difference. To do that as a foster parent I have to make sure that every child I say yes to will be better off for the experience of living with me. I am not naive enough to believe that I can fix every problem or give every child all of what he or she needs. Dan and Sara can both attest to that, but I do believe that each of them left with more than they came with. When I wrote their names on my list I have to believe that, in many ways that matter, all of our lives were enriched."
"Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough. It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again."
"This is what I have arrived at: I want to live a life that matters, a life that makes a difference. To do that as a foster parent I have to make sure that every child I say yes to will be better off for the experience of living with me. I am not naive enough to believe that I can fix every problem or give every child all of what he or she needs. Dan and Sara can both attest to that, but I do believe that each of them left with more than they came with. When I wrote their names on my list I have to believe that, in many ways that matter, all of our lives were enriched."
"Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough. It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again."
March 5, 2016
Self-inflicted tragedy porn. I don't know how it leads so many book lists. The "heroic" white foster mom writes somewhat problematically about race. Skin appearing "nearly yellow," nails as "talons," and hair as "tiny corkscrews" were not ideal descriptors of black bodies. The insider view of the foster care system is valuable. I don't know if this book is a worthwhile, relevant read more than a decade later though.
September 12, 2016
This book is so beautiful and is an inspiration to do good in the world, whether that task is big or small.
June 15, 2012
As someone who is interested in being a foster patent and/or adopting, this book went on my to-read list because I figured it would paint a better picture o what it takes to be a foster family. That it did! After finishing the book, my desire to serve vulnerable children only increased and has also become more realistic. The author is super honest about what she and her family has experienced, describing their failures and successes. She talks about the children she has fostered and adopted, describing their heartbreaking stories of victims of physical/emotional/sexual abuse, neglect, instability, abandonment... It's heartbreaking to think of all the children in the foster system who are victims, some to even become perpetrators themselves because they're unable to get the help and care they need.
While it is clear that Kathy, her husband Bruce and their biological children all had hearts for vulnerable children, it was interesting to see them draw the line when a child was or was not a right fit for their family. They were able to say "no" in considering what was best for the child - a discipline that I can see being difficult and perhaps even guilt-ridden if not practiced well as a foster family. I think there may have even been times, however, when "no" could have been said more - it's crazy to think how many children were in Kathy's home at one time! Perhaps this speaks to the dire need for loving and intentional families willing to foster children.
Absolutely worth reading, especially for anyone wanting a glimpse of what a foster family and children and the system look like.
While it is clear that Kathy, her husband Bruce and their biological children all had hearts for vulnerable children, it was interesting to see them draw the line when a child was or was not a right fit for their family. They were able to say "no" in considering what was best for the child - a discipline that I can see being difficult and perhaps even guilt-ridden if not practiced well as a foster family. I think there may have even been times, however, when "no" could have been said more - it's crazy to think how many children were in Kathy's home at one time! Perhaps this speaks to the dire need for loving and intentional families willing to foster children.
Absolutely worth reading, especially for anyone wanting a glimpse of what a foster family and children and the system look like.
July 9, 2020
All I can say is WOW. I wish this book was required reading for everyone. I was intrigued and ordered it on Amazon, and saw that I could get the audiobook from the library while I waited for my package to arrive, and I ended up listening for hours on end and finishing the entire book before it even shipped. I could have cancelled the order and saved my money, but I was so dumbfounded that I just needed to have the physical copy. This is a jarring firsthand account of the foster care system, from a woman who has fostered over 100 children in her lifetime. One hundred! Children who traumatized, children who are violent, children who are born from tragic circumstances, children who have been sexually abused, children who sexually abuse other children. It seems like for every situation possible, Kathy Harrison has experienced it and lives to tell the tale. I have always wanted to foster/adopt, and rather than deter me or scare me away like this book probably should have, I now have a renewed sense of purpose and determination. The system is absolutely broken but people like her make such a huge difference and it was so inspiring to see, even amidst the heartbreak and the custody battles. It gave me more insight as to what life is like for the adopted special needs kids I have worked with and the struggles I see them facing now. The world is being changed, one broken child at a time. I really appreciate the brutally honest portrayal of what accepting foster care children into your home is like and the heavy weight and trials that come with it. This book was so raw and real and simply amazing- may there always be another place at my table, too.
June 1, 2021
Kathy Harrison tells of her experiences foster parenting in this book. It's heartbreaking but inspiring.
We all hear horror stories of foster care in the news and they seem so far removed from our everyday lives, but it is Kathy's normal. I appreciated her honesty and her fairness in assessing the children, the birth and foster parents, the professionals, and the system in general. She is quick to point out the bad, as well as the good. She is humble and gracious, and forthright about her own failings.
I would recommend this book to any prospective foster parents who want to know what really goes on in the system; and also believe anyone who knows a foster parent or child could benefit from reading it, for a better understanding of the other individual's circumstances.
Update 9/28/20: I just finished reading this for the second time, and it's just as good as it was the first time around. I did notice a few curse words and typos this time, but honestly, the book as a whole is so good that I still feel it deserves five stars!
We all hear horror stories of foster care in the news and they seem so far removed from our everyday lives, but it is Kathy's normal. I appreciated her honesty and her fairness in assessing the children, the birth and foster parents, the professionals, and the system in general. She is quick to point out the bad, as well as the good. She is humble and gracious, and forthright about her own failings.
I would recommend this book to any prospective foster parents who want to know what really goes on in the system; and also believe anyone who knows a foster parent or child could benefit from reading it, for a better understanding of the other individual's circumstances.
Update 9/28/20: I just finished reading this for the second time, and it's just as good as it was the first time around. I did notice a few curse words and typos this time, but honestly, the book as a whole is so good that I still feel it deserves five stars!
July 2, 2017
It was insightful read for sure...but given the overwhelmingly positive reviews, I personally found it a bit lacking. The author's heart for children is certainly admirable and her lifestyle is incredibly sacrificial - yet it seems like her identity is all wrapped up in being a foster mom, that she takes pride in taking on difficult children. I'm sure to some extent that makes her incredibly gifted for the job, but I don't think anything or anyone should become our identity or our sense of worth (other than Christ). Her husband was definitely supportive and helpful, but it seems like foster care was mostly her call/responsibility as the stay-at- home mom (rather than him leading as the head of the home). I found this a bit concerning...
I know I'm on the conservative end in my thinking, so these are just my personal thoughts... :)
I know I'm on the conservative end in my thinking, so these are just my personal thoughts... :)
January 31, 2024
Shew. This is a heavy read. Kathy shows that despite the cruelty that children suffer, they’re still simply children and need what every child needs: safety, love, attention, stories, playtime, treats, baths. I deeply appreciate her compassionate portrayal of children who molest other children. I have a far way to go in learning how to truly love.
I also appreciate the part in the book where she admits there is a child in her care who she isn’t attached to as deeply as she is her other children, and who she doesn’t want to adopt. It takes bravery to admit something like that, but is important to hear, especially to prospective adoptive or foster parents who are so motivated by duty that they might commit to something when they’re heart isn’t in it, which isn’t kind to the child, as well-intentioned as it might be.
I also appreciate the part in the book where she admits there is a child in her care who she isn’t attached to as deeply as she is her other children, and who she doesn’t want to adopt. It takes bravery to admit something like that, but is important to hear, especially to prospective adoptive or foster parents who are so motivated by duty that they might commit to something when they’re heart isn’t in it, which isn’t kind to the child, as well-intentioned as it might be.
May 11, 2012
I'm giving this three stars but for writing it would be two stars. I also think it was hard to connect with because the author spent such little time on so many subjects. So it was hard to actually connect with the children listed. And I wanted to know more about their back stories and more about their lives after. I realize though that some of this was most likely due to privacy and the fact that the author doesn't know what happened to them. still you have to admire this lady and her husband for trying and , in many cases succeeding , to be at least a temporary sanctuary for these children.
August 7, 2016
This book is amazing. It's hard, it's painful, it's heartwrenching. I finished it in less than 24 hours.
So often I think that in the US we forget about the children here. About the fact that children here suffer at the hands of those who are supposed to love and care for them, and that there is a broken system filled with all sorts of people trying to work things out. Not all families are like the one in this book, but I hope this book inspires more people to become like them.
It's realistic and painful but hopeful and full of grace.
So often I think that in the US we forget about the children here. About the fact that children here suffer at the hands of those who are supposed to love and care for them, and that there is a broken system filled with all sorts of people trying to work things out. Not all families are like the one in this book, but I hope this book inspires more people to become like them.
It's realistic and painful but hopeful and full of grace.
January 11, 2010
I shouldn't read books like this. It just makes me want to foster and adopt all the more. I'll just have to move to Mass. with the author of the book so I can do just that since Pennsylvania is so strict about this 6 child policy. Bureaucrats should not control the lives of children and those families that want to take them in, even if they already have 6 kids.
February 7, 2013
Honest, courageous, straightforward writing
July 9, 2015
Really hard book to read, but one that will certainly stay with me.
More to come...
More to come...
July 11, 2023
This book captivated me even from the introduction, and I loved it. I felt anger, joy, sadness, and hope throughout it. My heart broke as I got a glimpse of Harrison's childrens' hard stories, and the difficulties they and the Harrison family faced as a result. Harrison wrote with brutal honesty, freely admitting her own shortcomings. I was strangely encouraged; Harrison was able to celebrate the victories which occurred, and her honesty reminded me that one doesn't have to be perfect to make a difference.
January 13, 2024
This book is hard and painful. Harrison weaves the highlights and “lowlights” of her experience with the nation’s foster care system sharing the pain, hurt, worry, and hope she felt.
I think it will always stick with me.
“Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough. It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again.”
I think it will always stick with me.
“Fostering means knowing about things most of us would prefer to forget. It means recognizing that our best is often not good enough. It means only knowing the difficult beginnings of a story and being forced to imagine the end. It means loving children who will ultimately leave us, then drying our tears and letting ourselves love again.”
November 24, 2022
this was an amazing book. I learnt so many new things about the foster care system that just blew my mind. I never realised how hard foster kids have it, and what types of traumas/anxieties they’ve gone through. The book has some heavy topics, and the things that some of the foster kids have gone through made me so sad. I was so invested in this book that i just kept on wanting to read it.
Overall, I’d recommend this book to everybody.
Overall, I’d recommend this book to everybody.
July 21, 2018
Raw. Unfiltered. Uncomfortable. Heart-wrenching. Necessary.
February 7, 2021
Such a hard read, but so good!
December 17, 2022
What an inspirational account of a foster mother who has been a hero, an angel, to countless kids! If this book doesn’t nudge you to consider fostering, then I’m not sure anything can. Blessed by this read!
December 9, 2021
Pretty powerful memoir. Helps to keep your parenting challenges in perspective.
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