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747 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 15, 2022
I’ve collected whoever’s in here for their dedication to a moment that bends, not in a “gay” way but you know how when you’re walking towards the horizon it seemingly dips. And you feel something. That’s pathetic. It’s an empathetic thing. The light shifts and biologically we turn too. People get different.
All my life,
since I was ten,
I’ve been waiting
to be in
this hell here
with you;
all I’ve ever wanted,
and still do.
As long as I knew I was going to kill him, nothing could bother me. They could beat my head to a bloody pulp and kick my guts through my spine. But they couldn’t hurt me, no matter what they did. I had a peckerwood’s life in the palm of my hand and that made all the difference.
The children drowned to death in boiling water, their silhouettes frozen on the walls from the heat of the initial impact, their flesh and eyeballs stuck to the cement forever. My colleagues and I toured what were once some of the world’s leading hospitals, hospitals which had been transformed into hovels of hospice — not on accident, by collateral damage, or due to lack of national export, but by calculated efforts on the part of the Clinton administration, whose bombs were targeting public hospitals, sewage treatment plants, and water filtration systems — policy meant, in the words of Clinton’s secretary of Defense, to accelerate the effect of sanctions.
Thank god I am a white man, I thought, and I don’t have to engage in the tiresome jockeying for position that marks the work of homosexuals and women. No, a white man can just sit down and write and he writes his way into the whole world! The fact that this “world” also comprises mostly other white men in no way invalidates the labor, the art, the craft, the sublimity of what we write. In fact, by building on each other and on the work that came before us, we can bypass the petty squabbles of the others and just dig into the important stuff — like whether to eat cornflakes or museli for breakfast, how best to appreciate pornography and what to do about the crazy women who pursue us.
4/ 25/ 95 Letterman. Couch. Drugs. How we do drag on. Getting hard to breathe again. Thought I was doing much better. It never lasts. My mood has been better, though. And I’ve got a renewed interest in sex, mostly fantasizing about this alligator clip thing, and trying it out a little bit with a couple of clips here and there, those jagged little teeth biting into my tender spots as I grab hold of something like the bed rail and squeeze until the pain floats off a little, turns sweet almost, and then it’s time for another. It’s almost like eating hot chili peppers, except these taste buds are in my balls.
Yesterday I went to him full of dismay.
He sat silently, not asking what was wrong.
I looked at him, waiting for him to ask,
“How were you yesterday without my luminous face?”
My friend instead was looking at the ground.
Meaning to say, Be like the ground, humble
and wordless.
I bowed and kissed the ground.
Meaning to say, I am like the ground, drunk
and amazed.