Not Like My Mother: Becoming a sane Parent after Growing up in a Crazy family

by MSW Irene Tomkinson

Not Like My Mother This book is a gift for anyone who has ever said,"I am NOT going to raise my kids the way I was raised! "If you are trying to be the parent you always wanted and didn't get, Irene will teach you why it is more effective that you be the parent your children need - not the one you needed. How to separate what belongs to your history and what belongs in your present life is some of the rich, practical advice you will take away from Not Like My Mother. In the early distribution of Not Like My Mother readers reported they couldn't put the book down. It reads like a compelling novel with a human and spiritual insight that makes you feel a part of the conversation. YOU WILL WANT THIS BOOK FOR ALL YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Parenting, Self Help, Relationships, Humor, Amazon

180 pages, Paperback

First published February 11, 2008

Reviews

[Spider the Doof Warrior · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an encouraging short little book I got for free off Amazon. It's worth reading. She questions things such as why does the Catholic church have such screwed up rules? And why don't they help people who are in abusive relationships? Asking someone what they did to be hit is asinine and horrible.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every once in a while I run across a real jewel in among the free books on Amazon. This is one of those books.

To my surprise, I found a deeply thoughtful, at times almost uncomfortably honest look into the inner life of the author. It is a good book for those that tend to learn more from walking beside someone rather than being told what to think/do. This isn't a conventional self-help book, but a lot of lessons can be gained by a thoughtful reader.

At the end, the memoir left me thoughtful and strengthened, challenged yet encouraged. It won't help everyone, no book does, but it helped me and for that, I thank the author.

The ending was great....

We teach what we need to learn. And we teach it until we get it.

I finally got it. Now it is your turn. Go find your own story, claim it, appreciate it, don’t deny it, and above all have compassion for it. In the end, what else do we have but our own story with all of its lessons and blessings?

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very quick read - less than 4 hours. Very interesting and lots of good food for thought. Crazy is all relative.

[Kelly Miner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read

This book hit home and opened my eyes to things I never thought of before. I have learned to be there for my family for their needs and just be present,not fix their problems.

[June · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found way too many similarities between my mom and me to be comfortable.

[Lori Scadden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it

I love the honesty and reflection in this book. It was exactly the story that I didn't realize I needed to hear. I'm grateful for the find and the quick read. It was informative but soft and full of emotion.

[Brittany Cavagnaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book right from the authors living room table (in 2020) her husband was the JP for my husband and I. Such an incredible guy, I know his wife must be just as great after finishing this book. It’s everything you need to read if you had a toxic mother, her story is told sooooo well. 10/10

[Marianna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting Reflection into a Person's Emotional Walls and Understandings

It took me a really long time to read this book cover to cover. Partially, I think this is because many ideas and concepts in this book are difficult to process and take time to internalize and understand.

"Not Like My Mother", written by Irene Tomkinson is a story about her life and her life's experiences. It's a book that talks about her journey from shameful, poor, and ignorant beginnings to her eventual understanding that each person can only be responsible for his/her own behavior, reactions, and relationships.

In addition to discussing her own life's journey, she sprinkles the entire book with real psycho analysis (she is a psychotherapists and fully qualified to do so). This was really interesting to read about, especially in sections where I could relate and think about as it pertains to my life and experiences.

I do feel that this book was misclassified - it was labeled as a parenting book, but I think it should have been labeled as a biography and self-help book. As a mother of two girls, I found very little practical parenting advise in the book (although it did have some). More realistically, it is a book that I think would be beneficial and helpful to all adults who grew up in an abusive family situation by helping them explore the inner workings of their adult lives and how they relate to their childhood abuses.

I would recommend this book to any adult who wants to take a deeper look into the inner workings of the subconscious mind and how to separate your wronged youthful life from the present adult life you want for yourself.

[Kristen Manuel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did not grow up in a "crazy family" like she talks about in this book, so some of these things did not apply. However, I do enjoy psychology, and periodically find myself pondering the psychology of parenting and why we parent the way we do, as well as how our parenting will affect our children. So, from that standpoint I found this to be an interesting, somewhat thought-provoking read.

[Whitni · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was/is a freebie on Kindle. It was an interesting theory for those of us who have had a crazy upbringing. Ways to keep your past from interfering with your present and your children. The basic premise is that children need what they need, not what we THINK they need, based on our past.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was entertaining as far as reading about Irene's crazy family life. But also insightful and inspiring as to how she makes you think about your actions and why you do them. Not just being "not like my mother". Just in general, makes you think about...what makes you do the things you do?

[Jahnavi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful reality check !

Food for thought! Lots to think of where we are heading... take a deep breath and look through a new perspective.

[Ngoc Chau Vu · Rating 1 out of 5]

The book introduction totally got me wrong. I kept asking myself that question:" Will I make the same mistakes my parents made? Is there any solution?"...

And I found this. So I thought this book could help me figuring it out, but I don't even think the title matches the content.

I felt like I was looking for some scientific evidences, some studies or researchs that could expose the impact of parents' behaviour on their kids in the future. Something's clear and transparent. But what I found was a woman with ruined childhood rambling about what she did wrong, and her emotions and how she tried to get through it, but she can't even BE A SANE PARENT as she said that she repeated the mistakes of her parents unconsciously.

Honestly, the book left us with many questions at the end of every chapter. However, they weren't elaborated clearly enough and only evoke vague thoughts, which I found invaluable. I don't care about your personal story, or how you have suffered. Reading it is not gonna assure me that I won't do wrong in the future.
Total waste of time.

[J. A. Lewis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not a fan of self-help books. I got this memoir for free so probably didn't read the synopsis of it. It's not that I don't need a ton of self-help (lol), but I just find these types of books so boring and I struggle to stay engaged with them. I came from my own dysfunctional family, passive mother, cruel, physically abusing father. I did come away from this book with some lessons learned but overall probably wouldn't have read it had I known what it was about.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy read!

[Kathryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thought this would be humorous or at least amusing, but I was bored. I don't like self-help books and I don't find most parenting books that helpful

[Shannee]

A good book for me to read at the time of reading. 2014.

[Arlena · Rating 4 out of 5]

By: Irene Tomkinson
Published By: Authorhouse
Age Recommended: Adult
Rating: 4
Review:

"Not Like My Mother: Becoming a Sane Parent After Growing Up in a Crazy Family" by Irene Tomkinson was a autobiography... Memoir, a nonfiction that was a insightful read. This 'holistic therapist' Irene Tomkinson really breaks it down to the reader giving us a 'enjoyable read that she "draws upon experiences from her intimate life journey and decades of professional knowledge." You will find from the read this is not only about 'parenting' but also for the "non-parents loaded with heartfelt experiences and nonjudgmental guidance about learning to unconditionally love yourself and others." This was a powerful book in that it will leave you with many new thoughts and be strengthened as well as challenged and definitely encouraged.

I loved this quote: This is so beautifully said....

"We teach what we need to learn. And we teach it until we get it.
I finally got it. Now it is your turn. Go find your own story, claim it, appreciate it, don’t deny it, and above all have compassion for it. In the end, what else do we have but our own story with all of its lessons and blessings?"


Now, "Not Like My Mother: Becoming a Sane Parent After Growing Up in a Crazy Family" may not help all but it does have a good self help guide that may be of help to your becoming even a better parent. You get a real lesson in how not to let your issues become your child's issue and even how to even avoid becoming 'defined' by your own past childhood hurts. Would I recommend? YES!

[Anni Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is worth reading for the personal story of Irene Tomkinson and her family past alone (and how she dealt with it all), but the main purpose is to offer deep insights for the reader - which it does extremely well. Unmet needs in your childhood affect who you are as a person today. Irene finds herself assuming that her daughters' deepest needs are the same as her own, and as parents, we can easily do the same without realising - projecting the child we once were onto our own children.
I had a very different experience with my mother than Irene - looking back at the tragedies of her life, I can't grasp how she kept going and provided the love and all that she did. But in the midst of all the tragedy, myself and siblings all had needs that weren't met (something that was recognised by my mother). I found the book enormously insightful
Some types of reasoning in the book didn't resonate with me, such as teenagers needing to go through a period of narcissism. Though perhaps, we're all narcissist beings as babies - and that desire to have all our needs met remains within us. The book is not about placing blame (on yourself or your parents)but about looking within, looking back, recognising the times (or even years) where you didn't get what you needed, and how you reacted (and how you are repeating the same patterns today).

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was blessed to read the manuscript of this book at the author's request... this is a book I have read 3 times (since then) and could read again and again (when I am not loaning it out!) Review is from Amazon.Com:

Amazingly insightful - a MUST read!

Not Like My Mother is an inspirational and candid observation of parenting from accomplished holistic therapist, Irene Tomkinson; workshop leader, motivational speaker, and first-time author. Throughout this thoroughly enjoyable book, Irene draws upon experiences from her intimate life journey and decades of professional knowledge. Her chronicles impart a realistic yet humorous look at both the pitfalls and joys of parenting. However, this is not just another book about parenting. It is also a book for non-parents loaded with heartfelt experiences and nonjudgmental guidance about learning to unconditionally love yourself and others. Irene is truly an exceptional teacher and her book is a rare gem - so take some time and treat yourself! Everyone has something to learn and grow from in Not Like My Mother. Once you pick it up, you will have a difficult time putting it down; it is simply that good!

[Mirta Trupp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read; thought provoking, hard hitting. The author is brutally honest with herself and her readers. I'm still mulling over my feelings; it hit home on many levels. My home life was not like the author's; I had two loving parents- no drugs, alcohol, violence etc. but I didn't leave my childhood unscathed (does anyone?). I couldn't read through the pages fast enough...I wanted that "aha moment" - that part where the author provides THE answer, THE one-size-fits-all-solution. I found that I was analyzing myself, my mother, and my relationship with my children and that is probably where the "aha moment" came into play. There isn't a quick fix; there are no easy answers, but there are tools and suggestions. I love that the author ends each chapter with a 'simple' question. You know...those simple questions- those one liners that twist your "kishkes" (guts) into knots and force you to look honestly at yourself and your life. I will most certainly re-read this book, but slowly and with purpose - and with pen and paper for answering those kishke twisters.

[Brenda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is about really what the title suggests. Living in a crazy family and trying your hardest not to be like your parents. Its about not raising your children like the way you were raised. Its very encouraging in the beginning. And I really thought they were writing a book about my own family it was so close to the description. The ending I really didn't agree with. But it encouraged me to the point that I no longer feel so unworthy. That things were not my fault as my mother pointed out daily. I even had a distaste for marriage and having any children. Recently I had to pick this up because she was at her worst again. To the point that she disowned me for being a Christian. This book encouraged me. Read it, cry with it and don't let your parents ruin you for life. Overcome anything. They can't hurt you anymore. REALLY!

[Cindy DeLong · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this for a while, learning about the author's past and her current family. When she began to analyze how dysfunctional families behave in regard to feelings and what their children learn from this behavior, I felt that she made too many generalizations and took too many liberties. Some families many not allow their children to express and talk about their feelings, but other children, especially those growing up in the 1970's were taught that they should follow their feelings. They were asked to speak about their feelings to strangers, from teachers to counselors. Growing up in the chaos of following every whim and letting your heart lead, I believe would be harder than hiding your feelings. So basically, this book didn't shed light on how these adults could break away from what they experienced in order to raise their children emotionally balanced.

[Gaby · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brutally honest account of the authors' own personal life..., how she's being raised in a typical catholic family and from there on everything goes wrong. Her parents are broken, she's broken & she goes on to choose the wrong husband, her parenting skills are not the best & she gets caught up in a vicious cycle of substance abuse & alcohol. I loved this book because the author tells it like it is..., she never sugar-coat her life, she attends endless seminars, 12 step recovery programs, therapy & at the end she is like "I get it now, I know what went wrong" and I am willing to share it with you. Honestly & bravely told!

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I was expecting more of a self-help book based on the title and description, but this book is an open honest reflection of the author's life, including the very raw and very real emotions she felt in her childhood as well as her adulthood and the mistakes she made along the way. There were several times while reading this book where I found myself nodding my head in agreement, as the author described pieces of my own background that were eerily similar to hers. The actual parenting advice offered is good, but occasionally repetitive. Overall I would recommend this book to anyone who had a troubled childhood.

[Corinne · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was a lot of worthwhile wisdom in this little book. The topic is great. And I used the iPad highlighting features quite a bit. I'm glad I spent the time to read it.

However, the writer in me shakes my head. This was clearly a self-published book that did not spend much (if any) time with an editor. There were grammar errors galore and no real clear path with this book. The narrator, despite her wisdom, was also repetitive and kind of annoying.

So, read it (or skim it) for the content and overall message. But don't expect much from the writing!

[Betty · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this free book on Amazon sparked my interest. It wasn't what I thought it might be but I kept reading - to the end. The author tells a bit about the dysfunctional home of her childhood and her determination to be a better mother to her children. In time, she realizes the factors that drive her parenting style and learns to make the changes needed to be a more effective mother. While her situation is likely not the same as the reader's, there is much to learn from her writing.

[Roselyn Deere · Rating 4 out of 5]

I believe in these pages we can see the author did not become like her own mother. She taught the importance of allowing her children to have their own needs and to ask to have those needs met rather than what the mother thinks the needs might be. That was a long ramble but accurate. This book a good guide to helping yourself be a better parent and helping your children ask for what they need. Very nicely done.

[S.D. Curran · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was expecting lighter fare, but I started reading this and couldn't put it down. While I think that every family has some degree of dysfunction, that does not mean that those who have grown up in less-than-ideal circumstances are doomed to spend the rest of their lives in the back of a psychiatric ward. Even someone like myself, who had an average childhood pockmarked by bullying due to a hearing loss, can learn from this book.

[Eileen Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books was eye opening for me. I was raised in a loving home,with parents who showed me how to act, learn, and love; not one like the author of this book. However I found myself horribly shocked that I exhibited some of these behaviors/traits/ poor parenting techniques she described. This book caused me to begin to take a closer look at myself, one that I will continue to do so. I highly recommend this book.