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688 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1969
I loved and love life and love the meaning of life almost as much. I will speak more about myself than about other people. My mind lives in the past as memory and in the present as my awareness of myself in time. There may be no future at all, or it may be brief and meaningless.
And these nocturnal conversations – despite the fact that from an adult’s point of view they were verbose, inconsistent, chaotic, and rather too dramatic – seem to me important as I now remember them: much was touched on that even in later life evoked a response. And if our interpretation of themes was sometimes naïve and pathetic, the very themes were existential and did not die or dissolve. Even now they live in me.
Madam Pyshman sits at the cash register. Every year she attends the Russian Press Ball, and always presents the buffet either with a cabbage pie or some jellied fish. The international state of affairs troubles her. She sighs and says: ‘What is Stalin doing? He is killing, and killing, and killing. What is Hitler doing? He is studying at Stalin’s university. He is learning to kill. He will soon get his diploma. Might not some new Jesus Christ come to stop all this?’
I sense that in her eyes the old Jesus Christ has somehow been compromised.
In a reactionary state the state says to the individual: ‘Do not do this.’ Censorship demands: ‘Don’t write this.’ In a totalitarian state you are told: ‘Do this. Write this in this way.’ There is all the difference in the world in that this.
The Russian cemetery at Sainte-Geneviève-les-Bois had become one of the sights of Paris: five buses stood single-file at its entrance, tourists clicked their cameras… There lie the unskilled workers of the Renault plant and Nobel laureates, grenadiers of ‘his majesty’ and beggars from the cathedral parvis on the Rue Daru. Here lie Bunin and Merezhkovsky, Miliukov and Pevsner, generals of the White Armies and poets, seamstresses and ballerinas, unexposed agents of Stalin and men who fled Stalin and exposed him… There are fresh flowers on the graves of heroes of the Resistance, along with the graves of traitors overgrown with thistle, men who had informed on others to the Gestapo. Here lies the history of Russian emigration in its glory, its misery, and madness. And here, as befits a cemetery, everything comes to an end.