Gay Man Talking

by Daniel Harding

Son, Brother, Gay Best Friend. Lover, Enemy, Homo. Twink, Otter, Bear.

For many gay men, the relationships they have with other people are coloured by stereotypes, shame, and internalised beliefs that are often left unchallenged. Is being the ‘gay best friend’ really as fun and inclusive as people think? Sure, coming out to your parents is the hard part, but what happens next? And what if you’re not the sexually promiscuous party boy everyone assumes you to be?

Through candid and humorous conversations with those closest to him, Daniel Harding unpacks modern gay relationships – from parents, siblings and friends, through to lovers, enemies, technology and ourselves – to explore how it’s the relationships around us, breaking us down and making us back up, that are our defining moments.

Combining poignant and entertaining anecdotes with powerful interviews with other gay men and influential figures, alongside valuable insight from behavioural expert Judi James, this wise and witty book will help you to challenge the relationships you have with others – and yourself – allowing you to be truly proud of who you are.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, LGBT, Gay

284 pages, Paperback

First published September 21, 2022

Reviews

[Bob Hughes · Rating 4 out of 5]

This very accessible and conversational read was a pleasure- like chatting to a friend who has been through it all and wants to check you're okay.

Although it seems at first that it is a lighthearted and lightweight book, it manages to pack in a great deal, ranging from shame and body image issues to relationships, coming out and self-acceptance. A book that I think many younger people, just finding themselves out, would enjoy.

I received an advanced copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Donnie Otto · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was great for processing my one coming out. I've been out for a while and never had the "coming out" day or moment. It's been a continuous process that's not always been within my control. Being able to have the words, affirmation, and visibility in this book has been eye-opening. As a bisexual man, we often get stuck in our own heads with stereotypes of how we need to think, act, and behave - this books defies that we need to create our own definition of that and it's okay to evolve. We as queer people don't have representation to follow since there is so little. If we followed the little representations, we would be so limited. Queerness is an expansion of knowing yourself and sharing that love. I recommend this book to allies and those in the community- yes some parts are not very relatable but he really speaks his truth and it was helpful for me to be reflective of my own.

[Beedle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Daniel, I wanna be friends now!!! I think Daniel Harding is this bright journalist, amazingly talented with his words and simply a heartwarming guy. A truly important book for the community and for everyone who had been feeling like they are different and just don’t fit in.

In this very moment I’m so happy that I bought this amazing book on my trip to London last year. Greetings from a German gal tho 🌼

[Joshua Betteridge · Rating 2 out of 5]

Probably useful for some people but just not me.
Felt a little bit like “gay training wheels”, but this is coming from me after all!

[Connor Girvan · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 / 5 stars

I honestly didn't think I'd like this as much as I did - these books usually just aren't for me. But I really enjoyed it.

Takeaway message is just to be honest with yourself and other people. Have conversations with everyone in your life about everything and communicate your feelings lol but makes it actually sound decent.

[Sophie Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed, bit millennial but overall good

[Macken · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley, Jessica Kingsley Publishers and Daniel Harding for the e-ARC! Gay Man Talking is a collection of conversation based essays covering what being gay means to both the author and those around him through different stages in life. I felt so much personal connection to the author while reading his heartwarming moments, learning lessons from harder times or even just having a good laugh at a joke here and there. Opening up these conversations with his family members, friends and acquaintances and sharing personal experiences, he uncovers a well rounded perspective of what gay life can mean for many people within self, relationships and society.

[thewoollygeek (tea, cake, crochet & books) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very emotional and inspiring read, also full of humour, but always honest. This is a book that all LGBTQ+ should read, as well as a book that straight people definitely need to read, it needs to be in libraries and schools.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Oscar · Rating 2 out of 5]

Daniel Harding's book nominally explores conversations that he has had with people in his life, although only a single one of these is portrayed in an actual conversation. The rest of them have been edited down to salient points. The majority of the book is really a set of personal reflections on different topics with occasional interjections from a psychologist and the titular conversations. There are some brief interludes which are shorter and more experimental, but these are somewhat problematic due to the repetition of negative tropes.

If you are an insecure gay man, you will probably find that Daniel's reflections may reflect your experience. However, reading though, it was interesting was how largely inconsequential many of his difficulties seemed to be. In fact, it seemed that he was quite lucky, having a large group of female friends and then moving on to have the good luck of seemingly being able to make scores of friends, despite the fact that he is now looking to reduce this down to meaningful friendships. I certainly didn't feel like his childhood was lacking in anything.

The book has a lack of perspective. I find it funny that it alludes to the fact that civil partnerships were within living memory and that times have been much worse, but did the author consider having a conversation with someone who lived through these periods? No, he didn't.

I found it particularly onerous reading about negative stereotypes, that Daniel only overrides at the end by saying we shouldn't do this. Indeed, he perpetuates throughout body insecurity, ageism and fat phobia, only adding a disclaimer at the end of passages that we should do better. Whilst I suppose it is heartening to hear that even a typically attractive tall white man has problems with his self esteem, it would have been good to perhaps hear conversations about the discrimination in the gay community.

To his credit, Daniel maintains a self deprecating conversational style throughout, let down by a lack of thought beyond his personal experience. The book lacks synthesis and beyond repeating tired tropes (including far too many RuPaul references), and there is no development of narrative. The length is about right, but if you're hoping to learn about the struggles of privileged gay men, consider something more meaningful like the Velvet Rage.

[Chris Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 Stars - Brilliant!

Picked up this book at Gay's The Word in London, and honestly, I adore this book. I would describe it as an autobiographical self-help book... for gay men!

Daniel's self-deprecating humour shines and I found all the topics discussed necessary, relatable and insightful. I genuinely think every gay man should read this - I wish I read it years ago. It really felt like I was having a casual chat with Daniel and he was sharing his life experiences.

Would recommend this to someone who just came out - will help a lot with your journey.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a straight woman, I received invaluable insight and wisdom from this book, so can only imagine the impact it would have on a gay person trying to find their way. Daniel speaks perfectly about feeling like an outcast, and his witty humour and cultural references punctuate the book making you feel like his best friend, as he deals home-hitting truths. A joy to read!

[Chris E. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Harding applies an interesting lens to young gay life — that of one’s friendships and relationships — but this book would have more deeply affected me had I read it about ten years ago. While vulnerable in some places, in other places it unfortunately offers a vapid, surface-level, commercial response to the complicated issues gay people face.

[Jaromir · Rating 3 out of 5]

I rated this book 3/5 stars, because I was not fully involved with the book. Many times I was making myself read the book. Some chapters were just not relatable for me which is the thing that I am looking for in books.

[Pan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Relationships that we are born with and that we encounter through our lives are our guides, our downfalls and our saviours. They're also on a journey. But we can only get through things if we let them be a part of ours and become a part of theirs. So, let them be a part of yours.

[Tony · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't end up finishing but got most of the way through. I wish it was slightly more engaging because some parts were really captivating but got lost in a lot of filler. I feel pretty bad for not enjoying this especially since some parts are very vulnerable.

[Josh Robinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Took a fair amount away from this book but defo time to switch away from gay men’s memoirs me thinks. Always interesting to hear the story of someone’s life especially when it is through the lens on interviews with those who have come and gone, kinda wanna do that myself

[Rae's Reading Corner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gay Man Talking is an open and honest conversation that Dan Harding takes the reader on as he discusses his life, coming out to his family, with other topics such as body image that I believe many will relate to.

The conversational tone throughout made this novel so easy to read and felt more like a discussion between friends than reading a book. There are a few interviews that he has added that open up conversations with his family and friends that I was amazed to read (mainly due to the fact that I myself would not be able to bring the topic up with my own family) and it was genuinely surprising to read their responses to his question about him being gay.

This is a book that all queer people, gay men, in particular, should read. It's a book that straight people should read. Harding's openness was genuinely inspiring and made his words so much more impactful. This book is one that will help many realise that they are not alone.

Not all gay/queer lives are the same, but Harding has still managed to make many of these essays relatable while also offering some funny and heartwarming moments throughout.

Thank you so much to the publishers for providing me with an eArc of this book in exchange for my honest review!