"You used to be alright...I don't see how you can do that to yourself. You should be in AA, at least you'd have respect for yourself then...I'm tired of you embarrassing me, and embarrassing yourself."
Talk about a depressing opening scene. Getting progressively drunk watching a show at the casino, to the point of being unable to stand, Allison is led to a toilet stall to have sex with her boyfriend. She passes out. He continues. This sets the tone of the book. He does bad stuff. He apologises. She forgives him. She drinks too much. It’s a bit of a problem. Allison is all of twenty two. It continues from there.
Dead beat boyfriends, dead end jobs. A ma who’s a borderline alcoholic like herself, a younger sister who’s gone AWOL in Mexico with her boyfriend. No wonder Allison has doubts and lacks self worth. And drinks to the point of blacking out, repeatedly.
There’s a ragged tiredness, a futility to her life. And the lives of those closest to her. A resignation. As if things can’t change, that’s just the way it is. This is as good as it’s going to get. May as well have another drink, another smoke, another toke. The sun will still rise, and it’ll all be the same.
“I can't help it...I'm just so tired...I make so many mistakes. All I ever do is screw up…"
Allison leaves town to escape her abusive boyfriend and undergoes a traumatic event, which is perhaps a turning point for her. No spoilers, though possibly other reviews go into detail. Suffice to say, it’s beyond tough. And for a long while Allison berates herself, and her guilt places her in situations she shouldn’t be in. Her anxiety goes into overload, and she quells her instincts and feelings with more liquor.
"Everything makes me nervous."
But slowly, slowly, things come together. In eeny steps. It’s not easy to trust when you’ve been knocked down not just physically but emotionally too. A new city, a new job. Everything isn’t suddenly sparkling and shiny. But it’s a change. And a chance of a new direction. Maybe even a new friend or two. And despite it all, the wish for love.
" ' Love seems nice. Like in the movies, like with Paul Newman.'
'There aren't too many of him out there!' "
The conversations she has with Paul Newman showed what was on her mind. And in her heart. Whenever things got too much, too unbearable, she’d talk to her crush. Her daydreams and conversations with him are vivid. In return, he gives her encouragement, the boost she needs, the belief in herself. But most of all, some sage advice.
"Remember kid, there ain't no place where you can escape to. There's no place where there aren't weirdos, where there's no death and violence and change and new people….You run into yourself."
I loved the ending. I was surprised. It made me happy, though that’s probably such an odd word to put with a story that has so much sadness in it. But it made me feel hopeful. And that’s always a good thing.
Again, Vlautin has blown me away. How can a guy write so sensitively yet realistically about such tough subjects?
As an aside, I’ve created a virtual bookshelf for Willy Vlautin, “just because”. I don’t know what it is or why, as my life is so far removed from the characters that he writes about. But his books really speak to me. They’re honest.
Trigger warnings: Rape, strong swearing, sexually explicit, partner abuse, racism, violence, self harm.
"She grabbed his hand and kissed him. She kissed him with desperation. She kissed him with fear, and uncertainty. And in weakness, she gave everything to him, right then and there."
Shout out to Randwick City Library for having this audio book. Thank you.