The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition] : A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated,Chronically Inflexible Children

by Ross W.Greene

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Education, Family, Autistic Spectrum Disorder

Paperback

Published August 25, 2021

Reviews

[Joshua Reitano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Waiting for my wife to read this to put some things into practice. I suppose my real review should come after several months of that. The basic premise of the book is that kids generally want to do well, and when they’re stuck, it’s not typically just stubbornness but a skill set they lack. This is especially true for children with some developmental delays. This often bleeds to emotional and behavioral immaturity. And thus needs to be parented differently than a more typical child.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether or not you think you have an explosive child (some of mine have these tendencies more than others), I thought this was an extremely helpful book in talking through how to solve the problem of kid meltdowns. I'm eager to give some of the tactics a try!

[Maggie]

My boss recommended this book to me and it hooked me pretty fast! I don’t particularly like the title, but please do not let it deter you from reading it as this framework is applicable to all kids. I’m not going it give it a star rating, mostly because I wouldn’t know how to rate this kind of book nor have I practiced it’s suggestions yet, but I highly recommend it for parents, educators, or anyone working with kids. Greene provides readers with tangible skills, applicable examples, and thorough explanations. Hoping to try it out in the future!

[Andrea Pacheco · Rating 5 out of 5]

I already tried the collaboration approach, Plan B, and was impressed with what my kids came up with. I don’t feel like I have an explosive child but definitely an “imploder”. However every now and then some very big emotions definitely pour out leaving me a bit stuck. I really feel like this helped give me a framework to change my parenting tactics to be more solution oriented and collaborative.

What important life skills I’m wanting to impart on my kids and not just do what I said because I said so. I really want a solid and open relationship with them.

This was fantastic and my husband and I talked about it as I read. He happened to see my first Plan B in action and loved it, even though I didn’t do it quite right. But it gave us talking points and room for improvement.

[Emsy's Reads]

I'm not going to rate it because I'm not a parent and as it was aimed at parents, I don't want to form an opinion. But I did take a lot from it as a teacher!

[Alison LaMarr · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5. Prompted some good discussions and we have had some success. I liked the author’s framework of “kids want to succeed and will if they have the skills.” It helps me to think of most bad behavior as a deficit of skills and not a choice to be difficult. Helps me to not take things personally and remember to teach more than punish. And to collaborate ahead of time with my child on the issues that tend to cause us difficulties. I have a hard time applying our problem areas with the author’s more actionable steps. This is probably my fault and I should just get a family therapist!

[Bekah Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall I think it had helpful tips and different approaches to try with your child/children. I found it to be very repetitive — which he says is intentional, but hard for me to read the same points over and over without getting frustrated. I do want to try and implement some of these techniques with my own child. You may find it helpful if you’re at the end of your rope with your child.

[Brianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like I learned a lot about myself over the course of this book. While I feel we've always kind of followed the Plan B equation when it comes to our kiddo having a difficult time, reading this has given me a lot of extra tools to utilize and shown me I can always strengthen my muscles.

[Gloria Jaeger · Rating 2 out of 5]

I work with kids with special needs and was recommended this book to help inform my work. But unfortunately, I don’t agree with the majority of what is written in this book. Yes, I’ve worked with the “explosive child.” Yes, I’ve worked with kids with very complex needs. Yes, I think we need to see a shift in the system, but not in the way that this author suggests. Here are some thoughts;

-I do agree that we need to learn how to listen to each other. I do agree that there is a difference between listening and listening well. I agree that this work is hard. I agree that we need to be patient and merciful with ourselves and those around us, but in my opinion, the examples listed in the book were hypothetical and way too isolated. I understand it was for simplicities sake, but in real life, these situations are so much more complex.

-Kids needs to be formed by strong, loving adults who set boundaries that help them form their conscience, healthy habits and informed wills. The author repeats many times that “if they could they would” but the “explosive child,” like all persons, needs the challenge to be able to step up and prove to themselves and others what they are capable of.

-Contrary to what the author says, I believe that consequences are good, they teach personal responsibility as well as show that our decisions not only affect ourselves but also those around us.

Okay, I’ll end it at that.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven’t had much time to try out the strategies in this book but it feels hopeful and promising. It presents the idea that “Kids do well if they can.” as a lens adults can use to identify areas where a child is having trouble meeting expectations, prioritize the most important areas to work on, and then collaborate with the child to solve. I generally love anything that presents a different way to look at life and this seems like a compassionate and useful way to view parenting.

There is quite a bit of repetition but the author points out this is on purpose to help you learn and remember the content. I think that’s a valid point. It’s still a quick easy read.

[Brittni Warshaw · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written primarily with older, verbally communicative kids with the mental capacity to walk through problem solving conversations. If you have a younger child/ ND / non verbal / low verbal kiddo, the bulk of this book will seem pointless, although the overarching ideas could be helpful. The book also felt very repetitive. Basically, approach your kid with empathy and curiosity. Focus on the unsolved problems rather than punishing behaviors. Work together to discuss and find solutions to the issues they face.

[Molly Firth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This had some advice that is similar to the last parenting book I read but goes deeper on how to address problems (and we have some to work through). It doesn't give you solutions because it wants you to come up with them in a mutually agreeable way with the kiddo, which makes sense and is also hard when you just don't know what the solutions might be. But I liked the examples and summaries as a way to get a better sense of how to move forward and initiate challenging convos.

[Ryan Lowe · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Kids do well if they can" is probably worth the price of admission with this book. It's important to push back on the old-time-religion take on misbehavior: that children are spoiled and manipulative and need more discipline to be better kids, etc.

However, this book does feel thin on research and relies a lot on hypothetical examples. I struggle to see how I can convert it into practice with my own explosive child. ~sigh~

I'm going to try things out, anyway, but the second to last chapter pretty much admits that unless your teachers and school principals are reading this book, too, all bets are off once your kid is in school.

[Kristenelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quick and easy read that outlines a respectful, collaborative approach to parenting/caregiving children who have big meltdowns/reactivity. It is a good approach. Depending on where you are at in your respectful parenting journey, this book could either be massively eye-opening or tedious. Personally, these concepts and approaches were not new to me. I didn't get a ton out of reading this, but I can imagine it being a major paradigm shift for someone new to these ideas. This book is more geared towards parenting preschool-aged and older kids.

[Solara Calderon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have heard therapists say they hesitate to recommend this book to clients because of the extreme (off-putting) title. However, the information in this book is so useful (and applicable to all children). This book is practical, easy to read, and very hopeful. As the cover states, “all parents should read this book, especially those with children who are out of control.” I will be working hard to implement these easy to use strategies in my household to hopefully reduce meltdowns and intense behavior.

[Alisa Nielsen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall this was rather overwhelming and incredibly time consuming. It’s basically a new approach to mutual problem solving that’s broken down into a million steps. I think it’s a good solution but does require MUCH effort and time.
Instead of reading this book Google “ALSUP” and go through that 8 page handout instead.

[Dave Schumaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the first things I’ve read that so specifically talks about the difficulties we encounter with one of our kids.

It kind of shakes me up with how absolutely on the mark some of the descriptions and scenarios were.

It had some interesting ideas and strategies for navigating situations that might cause these explosions that I can’t wait to try.

Nothing mentioned in the book is a silver bullet, but it definitely gives me hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Already used some of the strategies discussed in this book and will definitely refer back to it from time to time as we are in...this...season.

[Taylor Kundel-Gower · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made a lot of sense and has given me so many ideas that sound great in theory and will hopefully be very helpful in practice as well.

[Angela · Rating 2 out of 5]

I only made it halfway. I like the premise that kids want to be good if they are able, but I got bored with the example family dialogue.

[Debra Craw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a hard thing knowing we needed to read this in the first place to help our son, but such great insight into a new way of thinking about the situation! Time to take actionable steps!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don’t agree completely with the premise that children want to do well… I think it may be true some of the time, but obviously this doesn’t take into consideration the Christian doctrine of the sin nature. However, I felt that this book does lovingly take into consideration the doctrine that children are made in God’s image and worthy of love and consideration. It does also have helpful guidance and some good truths in it that I will be trying to apply in my parenting.

[Veronica Lloyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a great professional read. Really highlights how important calm communication is even in the face of great challenges.

[fara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book is focused, has lots of scripts.

Highlights:
INFLEXIBILITY + INFLEXIBILITY = MELTDOWN

View child in positive light. Not manipulators, not misbehaving with malicious intent.

How consequences and use of praise/criticism fail.5

Focus on problems rather than behaviors; we’re going to focus on solving those problems rather than on rewarding and punishing those behaviors. And we’re going to solve those problems proactively rather than in the heat of the moment. When the problems are solved, the concerning behaviors that are associated with those problems subside.

Plan B consists of three steps, each containing ingredients that are crucial to the collaborative resolution of problems: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step. Review, redefine.

[Natalie Turnage · Rating 1 out of 5]

Super unhelpful. Half the book is an obviously fictional story of a family who implements and is made better by Greene's revolutionary methods of *asking your child why they are upset.* A lot of hot air about how great his solutions are without a lot of actual information.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't read fully through this before, though I'm part of the Facebook group (The B Team, for those who need it), which is really most of what you need, and I've watched all the available videos online, which summarize the book. What the book offers that I haven't seen elsewhere is a couple chapters addressing the difficulty of drilling (part of Plan B, a collaborative problem-solving method) and a background narrative about two families navigating their difficult children's behavior. The book was worth it for these two things.

Some thoughts:

I feel seen by this book. Ross Greene makes it clear that children's bad behavior is not the result of bad parenting. I cannot tell you how much shame I have been made to feel, how much frankly stupid parenting advice we have gotten: "just tell him no"; "he needs more consequences." Very few people understand what we have been through. Ross Greene understands.

I really appreciate the acknowledgment that enacting this plan is hard and that it may not work at first. I've tried doing it before but it never goes anywhere - after reading the book I now feel prepared for future attempts.

This is one of two parenting experts I've encountered (the other is Jennifer Kolari) whose examples of bad behavior include REALLY bad behavior, not just "he hits his sister" or "she won't go to bed on time." These examples include parents who are AFRAID of their kids. Which is sometimes my situation, especially as my kid (extremely athletic and physically large for his age) gets older and his tantrums have turned into physical aggression. There have been times in my parenting life when I have felt utter, abject despair, but reading this book gives me hope that there's time to work on our issues, that things may not be hopeless for him.

My son (6yo) was not by any means an early or interested reader, unlike both of his parents, and he's still not fluent in reading. Which is why I didn't have any compunctions about leaving my book out. But I underestimated his comprehension, because he read the title "Explosive Child" and asked me what it meant. Oops. But also, good job.

My one complaint about the book is its use of universal "he." Please get with the program; my copy was updated in 2021. There's no excuse for such negligent editing.

Basically, I think every parent, not just those with explosive children, but any who want to improve their communication and relationship with their kids, should read this book. I think Ross Greene should be considered a national treasure (along with Brad Lancaster, who has revolutionized water harvesting, but that's another review). This approach, even without fully implementing it, has helped me immensely in understanding and relating to my kid. The mantras run through my head at difficult moments ("kids do well if they can"). And it feels good.

[Brooke · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read about 1/2 of this one and found some decent, eye-opening, thought-provoking insights in here (read it for further insights and help with my work with children who struggle with this).

However, I found some of it to be unfortunately not so solution-oriented. To me, the overall vibe/suggestion of this book was one that's grown popular nowadays (which research has found to not be very effective ultimately and which I have also witnessed firsthand in my work with children and their parents in in-home therapy has not worked well for them), which is essentially letting kids call the shots, bending to their preferences, and "running everything by your kids" (aka, asking their permission for the boundaries or rules you want to enact lol).

Of course, authoritarian parenting is found to be not effective either, the kind of parenting in which parents are harsh, inflexible, and domineering/militant.

But permissive parenting in which parents bend to and go along with most or all of their kid's preferences, ever bending themselves this way and that to accommodate their children's wants, desires, and demands, and never wanting to do anything ever to upset their child, is also not effective and tends to result down the road in children who are entitled, demanding, and who lack resilience.

So I worried that parts of this book echo that sort of passive-parenting-think...

Still, I'm glad I read it, and I did get some worthwhile insights out of this one for sure!

[Sean Cooper · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good book for people who have difficulty communicating with their kid. Unfortunately not at all helpful to those of us who are able to communicate with our kid to determine what their difficulties are but can’t help them temper their emotional outbursts while we try to find a solution or way for them to develop the cognitive flexibility needed to meet parental and life expectations.

I didn’t get a lot out of this book. For example, I already knew my kid fights me about brushing teeth because she doesn’t like how toothpaste tastes, we’re well past that and have tried numerous other pastes and alternative rinses to adjust to this. What I really need is a book about helping my kid cope with the fact that she needs to use *some* kind of toothpaste (maybe she doesn’t, but I think she needs fluoride). My kid needs help developing realistic solutions, but the skill she lacks is accepting or suggesting *reasonable* (as in suggestions most people would make to answer the problem) alternative possibilities. I’m not able to just accept that she’s not going to brush her teeth.

The author’s solution is basically give up and work on another problem while you iterate a workable solution. Not that helpful, unfortunately. I need help with the *hard* part of parenting.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a helpful book about observing, listening to, and communicating effectively to spirited kids in the hopes to problem solve together instead of reverting back to consequences/punishments that in the long game will not build relationship and gain trust and cooperation. I was hopeful to gain new insights that were unfamiliar with me, but most of what I read in this book, I have read and learned from other resources. It was well written and I agree with most of the author's approach, but I found it very similar to the strategies laid out in "How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen." The one takeaway for me that was unique was the advice to really pay attention to our kids behavior and really observe and listen to them about why they are having difficulty. We so often assume we know what the problem is and the motivations behind behavior, but the author urges that if you spend more time observing and investigating, that you might learn something about the origin of various troubles that you were completely unaware of. This information is then critical for effective problem solving.

[❋ Booked Out Today ❋ · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️4⭐️

The Explosive Child

Summary:
offers insights into understanding and managing children with challenging behaviors. Greene emphasizes that explosive behavior is often a result of lagging skills rather than defiance. He advocates for a collaborative approach to problem-solving, encouraging caregivers and educators to identify the underlying issues behind a child’s outbursts.

Non Fiction | Parenting

My Thoughts:
I found the step plan easy to understand. I liked the script/dialogue sections but sometimes they seemed a little unnecessary. Sometimes it was hard to believe I child would actual say some of those responses. Nevertheless the book focused on coming up solution to problems with children in a collaborative way. I know that this strategy would work at times with my little one but sometimes I’ll still be stuck. Would love to see this book modelled down for toddlers.

The beginning of the book really helped me feel understood and accept as a mother of a “challenging” child. But I wish there was more of that reassurance and guiltlessness throughout the book.