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Monster Girlfriend #1
How to Get a Girlfriend (When You're a Terrifying Monster)
Life is tough when you’re an eldritch abomination.
Trillin isn’t technically a person. She’s a tiny breakaway piece of consciousness from the all-devouring Endless, doomed to eventually rejoin it. But when a human witch stumbles into her world, Trillin suddenly has a new reason to figure out individuality–one shape-shifting tentacle at a time.
Sian is sure important magical discoveries are just around the corner, if she can just get her portals to work reliably. Reaching the dimension of the Endless without being eaten on sight is a dream come true, and Sian is determined to explore every bit of it. For science, of course, not for the strangely adorable life-form who keeps popping up and trying to… flirt?
But Trillin’s world can be a dangerous place, and keeping Sian safe might risk drawing the attention of the Endless itself–which will swallow Trillin up along with all her dreams of humanity. Together, can this unlikely duo escape the Endless, figure out the optimum number of appendages, and maybe even find love?
How to Get a Girlfriend (When You’re a Terrifying Monster) is a sweet, low-heat F/F sapphic romance between a witch scientist and a shape-shifting Cthulhu monster. HEA guaranteed!
Trillin isn’t technically a person. She’s a tiny breakaway piece of consciousness from the all-devouring Endless, doomed to eventually rejoin it. But when a human witch stumbles into her world, Trillin suddenly has a new reason to figure out individuality–one shape-shifting tentacle at a time.
Sian is sure important magical discoveries are just around the corner, if she can just get her portals to work reliably. Reaching the dimension of the Endless without being eaten on sight is a dream come true, and Sian is determined to explore every bit of it. For science, of course, not for the strangely adorable life-form who keeps popping up and trying to… flirt?
But Trillin’s world can be a dangerous place, and keeping Sian safe might risk drawing the attention of the Endless itself–which will swallow Trillin up along with all her dreams of humanity. Together, can this unlikely duo escape the Endless, figure out the optimum number of appendages, and maybe even find love?
How to Get a Girlfriend (When You’re a Terrifying Monster) is a sweet, low-heat F/F sapphic romance between a witch scientist and a shape-shifting Cthulhu monster. HEA guaranteed!
115 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 31, 2022
486 people are currently reading
4257 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 485 reviews
October 18, 2022
3.50 Stars. This was a cute oddball book. I’m back in October book mode, trying to read as many spooky and paranormal type books that I can before the month is over. I decided to read a few shorts and novella stories that I had my eye on, to really get me in the mood. When I came across this title the name had me immediately. How can a terrifying humanoid tentacle monster develop feeling for a human witch/scientist? Well, that question had my attention and I just had to read this book. I was surprised that the book ended up being a little more cerebral/scientific than I expected and for a short novella the magic and world system was well done. The romance is sweet and nice. However, it is on the light side as the story is short, so it doesn’t have a lot of time for the romance to grow. It makes sense for the story length, but I look forward to seeing them develop further in the sequel coming out next year.
This is currently on Kindle Unlimited, and I recommended it for people looking for a quirky and lightly cerebral read. The world building was unique, and I look forward to reading the sequel.
This is currently on Kindle Unlimited, and I recommended it for people looking for a quirky and lightly cerebral read. The world building was unique, and I look forward to reading the sequel.
April 12, 2023
A short, quirky, and cute as hell must-read
The best descriptor I can give for this one is fun - it played out in my imagination like a really good episode of Futurama, complete with a mind-bending alien world and human-alien love! It was genuinely a really fun and cute read (I just wish it was longer).
I loved the world-building! The idea of the Endless and the way one would experience that sort of space and existence was intellectually enticing; I really enjoyed thinking about the author's descriptions and explanations for things.
The pacing was good: there was a lot of action, more than I would have expected for a 90ish-page read, and I really had a hard time putting it down because it was so fun and fast-paced. I definitely would have liked it if things had been expanded further - into a 200 to 300 page novel - I think there could have been enough substance with the magic system, teaching Trillin about the human world, developing the connection between them, learning more about Bunny, and even more drawn-out conflicts with Endless.
The romance was the main point that brought it down a bit for me (only in that I really wanted more from it). It was cute and sweet, but with so much going on in such a short read, there wasn't much time for their relationship to develop. I don't begrudge the instant connection angle in this one (it makes sense with Sian being alien-crazy and Trillin having never seen a human before) but I wish there'd been more time for their relationship to grow and progress a bit further.
What to expect:
* A quirky witch
* A cute and curious alien
* Instant attraction (but it's sweet!)
* An adorable romance that you'll want more of
* More excitement and action than you'd expect from such a short read
* A really intriguing and mind-bending world
* A conceptually terrifying villain
Overall, I really, really enjoyed it and can't wait for the sequel. It had 5-star potential for me if there was only more to it, but I would absolutely recommend it.
Available on KU until April 26th! Get it while it's hot 🔥
The best descriptor I can give for this one is fun - it played out in my imagination like a really good episode of Futurama, complete with a mind-bending alien world and human-alien love! It was genuinely a really fun and cute read (I just wish it was longer).
I loved the world-building! The idea of the Endless and the way one would experience that sort of space and existence was intellectually enticing; I really enjoyed thinking about the author's descriptions and explanations for things.
The pacing was good: there was a lot of action, more than I would have expected for a 90ish-page read, and I really had a hard time putting it down because it was so fun and fast-paced. I definitely would have liked it if things had been expanded further - into a 200 to 300 page novel - I think there could have been enough substance with the magic system, teaching Trillin about the human world, developing the connection between them, learning more about Bunny, and even more drawn-out conflicts with Endless.
The romance was the main point that brought it down a bit for me (only in that I really wanted more from it). It was cute and sweet, but with so much going on in such a short read, there wasn't much time for their relationship to develop. I don't begrudge the instant connection angle in this one (it makes sense with Sian being alien-crazy and Trillin having never seen a human before) but I wish there'd been more time for their relationship to grow and progress a bit further.
What to expect:
* A quirky witch
* A cute and curious alien
* Instant attraction (but it's sweet!)
* An adorable romance that you'll want more of
* More excitement and action than you'd expect from such a short read
* A really intriguing and mind-bending world
* A conceptually terrifying villain
Overall, I really, really enjoyed it and can't wait for the sequel. It had 5-star potential for me if there was only more to it, but I would absolutely recommend it.
Available on KU until April 26th! Get it while it's hot 🔥
Read
October 21, 2022So silly goofy! one of my friends said it felt a little like a D&D one shot, and I have to agree! I do unfortunately feel this falls into the opinion I commonly have with novellas: this would have been better if it was longer. Though there is a sequel, so I am glad to hear the story isn't over quite yet! I just wished it was a little more gratuitous in the romance element, but I do appreciate that it was just a fun adventure between a witch scientist and blob-tentacle monster.
June 9, 2022
How to Get a Girlfriend is Marie Cardno's first novella. I enjoy it a lot, and I have the biggest smile on my face. The whole book is freaking adorable!
I love human/non-human trope, and this book is like one of my fantasies come true. Sian is a human witch, and Trillian, I'm still not sure what exactly she is? But you'll love her from the very first chapter. She's like a socially awkward monster who's nothing but sweet. I love Marie Cardno written style, and I appreciated she took her time to explore the Endless with the reader. It's really fascinating!
I wouldn't say the book ended abruptly, but I definitely want to read more! Maybe a bonus chapter or a sequel...? Maybe? (finger crossed)
(kudos for the eye-catching cover)
I received an advance review copy for free from Booksirens, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
I love human/non-human trope, and this book is like one of my fantasies come true. Sian is a human witch, and Trillian, I'm still not sure what exactly she is? But you'll love her from the very first chapter. She's like a socially awkward monster who's nothing but sweet. I love Marie Cardno written style, and I appreciated she took her time to explore the Endless with the reader. It's really fascinating!
I wouldn't say the book ended abruptly, but I definitely want to read more! Maybe a bonus chapter or a sequel...? Maybe? (finger crossed)
(kudos for the eye-catching cover)
I received an advance review copy for free from Booksirens, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
February 7, 2024
This was very complicated to read.
April 17, 2023
I really like the concept here but I feel like it would have been better if it was a bit longer. The world building we see is great but it's a pretty large departure from the real world and it was a little hard for me to really get into with it being so short. I am looking forward to the upcoming sequel, hoping we see a bit more of Trillin and this fun alternate world with The Endless.
April 15, 2023
For such a short book the world building is excellent, there are longer books that don’t do as a good a job at world building as this one.
The world building is what I like most about this book. The characters, Trillin and Sian, are fun in their own ways and I enjoyed reading about their budding relationship.
I did have some issues, those could be chalked up as newbie issues, this is a debut after all, but they were annoying to me. Annoying enough to pull me out of this odd and fun story and make me question what I was reading and if I skipped lines or misunderstood. I didn’t skip, as for misunderstanding, that’s always possible of course, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
I won’t get into that too much, I will say I get lost in the story because some scenes jumped back and forth a bit too much and some scenes one character was described doing something and in the next the other was doing it. I really hate continuity issues…
For me, the flow of this story was off at times, however this quirky story did entertain me. It’s a fun enough and good enough debut, I might just read some other books in this “series”.
The world building is what I like most about this book. The characters, Trillin and Sian, are fun in their own ways and I enjoyed reading about their budding relationship.
I did have some issues, those could be chalked up as newbie issues, this is a debut after all, but they were annoying to me. Annoying enough to pull me out of this odd and fun story and make me question what I was reading and if I skipped lines or misunderstood. I didn’t skip, as for misunderstanding, that’s always possible of course, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
I won’t get into that too much, I will say I get lost in the story because some scenes jumped back and forth a bit too much and some scenes one character was described doing something and in the next the other was doing it. I really hate continuity issues…
For me, the flow of this story was off at times, however this quirky story did entertain me. It’s a fun enough and good enough debut, I might just read some other books in this “series”.
August 1, 2022
Kindle Unlimited.
A very interesting and unique story, with a lot of fun words and sci-fi yet magical elements.
The whole thing made me pretty goofy-happy, but I do wish it went on longer! It was fairly short considering, and I just wanted far more from these awesome characters and their strange circumstances.
A very interesting and unique story, with a lot of fun words and sci-fi yet magical elements.
The whole thing made me pretty goofy-happy, but I do wish it went on longer! It was fairly short considering, and I just wanted far more from these awesome characters and their strange circumstances.
December 12, 2022
I was lucky enough to get an e-ARC of this novella, and it was even more quirkily hilarious than I'd hoped based on the jacket copy! Mixing cosmic horror with rom-com, a sentient, shape-shifting (and frequently tentacled), escaped piece of the Endless (a vast cosmic entity that just wants to devour and absorb EVERYTHING else in the world and has tried to invade Earth at various points across history) falls in love with a reckless academic witch who keeps on portaling into that other dimension and delivering chat-up lines. Luckily, since that sentient escaped piece of the Endless (now an individual of her own, and female identifying) still contains all the memories from the Endless's former battles against humans, she's already familiar with the concept of "girlfriend material"...!
It is every bit as wacky and absurd as it sounds, written with huge verve, wit, and style, and it made me laugh over and over again. Just one note of either reassurance or warning, depending on exactly which kind of reader you are: there is no tentacle sex shown in this novella. (There is every indication that both parties would enjoy it! But they're far too busy dealing with other issues for the span of this particular story.) For me, personally, that kept the story pure fun without having to get too squicked out by details along the way, but obviously, YMMV.
This was my most unexpected delight-read of the year so far! And I want to read more by Marie Cardno, very soon. (Also, if you enjoy the quirky fun of Tansy Rayner Roberts's writing style, I think there's a good chance you'll enjoy this, too! It's a different kind of setting than any of Tansy's stories so far, but it has a similar feeling of zest and fun.)
It is every bit as wacky and absurd as it sounds, written with huge verve, wit, and style, and it made me laugh over and over again. Just one note of either reassurance or warning, depending on exactly which kind of reader you are: there is no tentacle sex shown in this novella. (There is every indication that both parties would enjoy it! But they're far too busy dealing with other issues for the span of this particular story.) For me, personally, that kept the story pure fun without having to get too squicked out by details along the way, but obviously, YMMV.
This was my most unexpected delight-read of the year so far! And I want to read more by Marie Cardno, very soon. (Also, if you enjoy the quirky fun of Tansy Rayner Roberts's writing style, I think there's a good chance you'll enjoy this, too! It's a different kind of setting than any of Tansy's stories so far, but it has a similar feeling of zest and fun.)
November 19, 2022
HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND (WHEN YOU'RE A TERRIFYING MONSTER) was such a cute and quirky sapphic romance! I loved Trillin's narration and seeing her figure out how to interact with the cute witch she has a crush on. I also found the idea that Trillin is a newly separated fragment of the all-devouring Endless a really interesting concept and I can't wait to see how she navigates a relationship and the human world. This is very short, with only a kiss between Sian and Trillin, and it ends a bit abruptly but their story continues into the next book so I'm looking forward to that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Favorite Quotes:
And when she did come back, Trillin would say … something. Something really good. Smart. Witty. Maybe even … alluring. Trillin wasn’t entirely sure what alluring meant, but she suspected it was a big part of being girlfriend material.
- - - - -
People would get a bit weird if they realised she didn’t just want to find a way to prevent the Endless from ever threatening Earth again, she kind of wanted to bang it, too. A specific bit of it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Favorite Quotes:
And when she did come back, Trillin would say … something. Something really good. Smart. Witty. Maybe even … alluring. Trillin wasn’t entirely sure what alluring meant, but she suspected it was a big part of being girlfriend material.
- - - - -
People would get a bit weird if they realised she didn’t just want to find a way to prevent the Endless from ever threatening Earth again, she kind of wanted to bang it, too. A specific bit of it.
July 24, 2022
I received an eARC of this book via BookSirens and I’m leaving an honest review.
Actual rating 3.75 ⭐️
A light and fast paced, insta-love sapphic monster romance, written with more of a colloquial/informal language than usual fantasy stories, but still very enjoyable.
It felt a lot like the build-up for something bigger that was suddenly cut short, so it leaves you a little bitter at the end I guess.
The only thing that bothered me was the lack of actual chapters 😅
Actual rating 3.75 ⭐️
A light and fast paced, insta-love sapphic monster romance, written with more of a colloquial/informal language than usual fantasy stories, but still very enjoyable.
It felt a lot like the build-up for something bigger that was suddenly cut short, so it leaves you a little bitter at the end I guess.
The only thing that bothered me was the lack of actual chapters 😅
August 16, 2022
Beautifully written with amazing sci-fi elements surrounding the sentient endless void.
Although I wish we could’ve gotten more background on our central portal-hopping witch and how the magic system works, the love between these two women was a committed one.
It’s what happens when the pair brought together by an inexplicable bond have to navigate less than perfect conditions to maintain it.
Charming, lovely, and an easy read.
I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE SEQUEL!!
CW: violence (brief), threat of death
Although I wish we could’ve gotten more background on our central portal-hopping witch and how the magic system works, the love between these two women was a committed one.
It’s what happens when the pair brought together by an inexplicable bond have to navigate less than perfect conditions to maintain it.
Charming, lovely, and an easy read.
I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE SEQUEL!!
CW: violence (brief), threat of death
August 21, 2022
i think i’m just a little too stupid to fully appreciate this the way it should be
July 7, 2023
This was my first monster novella, so I didn’t really know what to expect. I really enjoyed the characters. It was wholesome, goofy, quirky and cute. I enjoyed going on their journey. I loved the way Trillin and Sian were drawn to each other from the start.
August 3, 2022
✨Super cute✨
I was wondering when someone would attempt an Eldritch Horror romantic lead, and this one is interesting and works. Cute from start to finish with one flaw-that-isn't-a-flaw: it's clean.
Siiiiigh
Which wouldn't stop me from reading it in the first place or again, honestly. Just something I wish I had known before. Apparently this is what "low heat" was intended to mean? When can we just write, "there is no fucking in this book," for clarity and call it a day?
Crossing my fingers for next book.
Totally worth a read.
Real Rating: 4.5 stars
I was wondering when someone would attempt an Eldritch Horror romantic lead, and this one is interesting and works. Cute from start to finish with one flaw-that-isn't-a-flaw: it's clean.
Siiiiigh
Which wouldn't stop me from reading it in the first place or again, honestly. Just something I wish I had known before. Apparently this is what "low heat" was intended to mean? When can we just write, "there is no fucking in this book," for clarity and call it a day?
Crossing my fingers for next book.
Totally worth a read.
Real Rating: 4.5 stars
March 26, 2023
I read this sapphic fantasy romance in an anthology, and I'm excited it's available on its own now because (a) it's really fun and (b) this version is expanded from the short story I read. It's a romance with plenty of adventure between Sian, a witch scientist, and Trillin, a shapeshifting breakaway piece of consciousness from an extradimensional eldritch creature. I love the additional story added here and I'm excited there's a next installment coming in July 2023 for this couple!
March 18, 2023
2.5 rounded up
I did a terrible job of reading the book description and missed the part where the author said it was “low heat”, which actually means a kiss is as far as the book takes spice. It was a cute little story in an interesting universe, but the love story was kinda weird and the timeline nonsensical.
Spice: 1/5
Triggers: none I can tell?
I did a terrible job of reading the book description and missed the part where the author said it was “low heat”, which actually means a kiss is as far as the book takes spice. It was a cute little story in an interesting universe, but the love story was kinda weird and the timeline nonsensical.
Spice: 1/5
Triggers: none I can tell?
Read
July 27, 2022Set partly in the university city of Dunedin and partly in the eldritch horror dimension of the Endless, this was heartwarming and hilarious in equal measure. The sapphic paranormal romcom I didn't know I needed. I adored Trillin, the world's most relatable shapeshifting tentacle monster.
June 7, 2023
This was absolutely adorable! I love this book, the premise, the characters, everything was so fun to read. It was quick and I was so sad when the story ended, but fortunately there is a book 2 coming soon!
dnf
October 1, 2022DNF at 81%
Got bored, which says a lot considering it’s not even 100 pages
Might pick it up again, might not
Got bored, which says a lot considering it’s not even 100 pages
Might pick it up again, might not
August 14, 2023
This was a fun story with really fascinating world building. It was very different from the books I typically read but it was really enjoyable once I got into it. The beginning was a little rough because the world that Marie built - a place called the Endless - was a bit complex and in the early part of the story you are getting to know exactly what the Endless is and how it works told through the perspective of one of the “fragments” who names herself Trillin. Trillin is basically a shapeshifting monster who becomes intrigued by the human that keeps entering her world through a portal. Sian, the human witch, is equally intrigued by the humanoid looking creature with tentacles and extra eyes whose form keeps changing. But things go awry in one of Sian’s trips into the Endless and the two end up on a survival mission together.
This was a fast paced, sapphic, monster romance story. It wasn’t an insta love story, but it was definitely insta lust! But in book one of the series there is only one kiss so it is very low spice. I look forward to book 2 and seeing where their adventures take them next!
This was a fast paced, sapphic, monster romance story. It wasn’t an insta love story, but it was definitely insta lust! But in book one of the series there is only one kiss so it is very low spice. I look forward to book 2 and seeing where their adventures take them next!
August 15, 2025
2.5 stars. The Endless is a sick idea and I enjoyed the descriptions of that world. Once our protags got back to Earth, it kinda fell apart for me. Too much stuff was squeezed into 100 pages. Also, the relationship feels very lopsided...our girl Sian really wants to boink a tentacle monster, which I respect, but said tentacle monster is literally still trying to figure out how to be a self. Her thoughts are very innocent while Sian's are weirdly dirty given the context. Basically the vibes were a little weird for me.
January 22, 2023
3.4⭐️ what a strange, quirky little book! I liked it! I was quite confused (the concept of the Endless is very bizarre) but had a nice time regardless.
This was a sweet, wholesome, clean romance. No spice here but the characters were adorable.
This was a sweet, wholesome, clean romance. No spice here but the characters were adorable.
February 14, 2023
Cute & quick read. Even though there are stakes in this, it felt kinda cozy. There’s fantasy (magic & monsters) and a touch of sci-fi (multiple dimensions). If you’re down for something quirky, give this one a read.
October 30, 2024
This was very cute but I wish it had been a bit longer! The good news is that there’s two more novellas so I can continue on in the story.
Both main characters were well written and the romance was a little insta-love/lust but with only 100 pages to work with that’s fine.
Both main characters were well written and the romance was a little insta-love/lust but with only 100 pages to work with that’s fine.
November 3, 2024
I felt like watching some kind of anime, and had to laugh sometimes.
Short, human (well, a witchy one) & non-human trope.
Interesting world building and concept behind.
I am intrigued about the sequels.
I kinda like Bunny? 🤣
Short, human (well, a witchy one) & non-human trope.
Interesting world building and concept behind.
I am intrigued about the sequels.
I kinda like Bunny? 🤣
February 13, 2024
A cute story between a monster and a witch. The personalities and voices were really unique but I feel like some of the descriptions and lore could have been expanded on.
January 7, 2025
I was told I needed to read this book to expand my horizons. I will stay within my former horizons.
December 29, 2024
What in the world did I just read (complimentary)
February 20, 2023
There is nothing really wrong with this book.... but there is nothing really right with it either.
It says right in the description that it is sweet and low heat... and yet somehow with the instant attraction (to the amorphous void creature and vice versa) and the tentacles I still expected a little something spicy. There was not.
Tropes: #instalust #underutilizedtentacles #sapphicromance #toosweetandclean
It says right in the description that it is sweet and low heat... and yet somehow with the instant attraction (to the amorphous void creature and vice versa) and the tentacles I still expected a little something spicy. There was not.
Tropes: #instalust #underutilizedtentacles #sapphicromance #toosweetandclean
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