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by Samuel Shem, Janet Surrey

Most popular books about relationships stress gender differences: We're from different planets, we don't understand each other, our words have different meanings, and so forth. This book asserts that we can understand our differences and get past them, replacing isolation with connection in a healthy, growth-fostering relationship. The authors call this "getting to 'we.'"

Shem and Surrey have worked with more than 20,000 men, women, boys, and girls. We hear workshop participants using "gender dialogue": asking questions to aid in understanding and reconnecting, such as "Name three strengths the other gender group brings to relationships," "What do you most want to understand about the other gender group?", and "What do you most want the other gender group to understand about you?"

"Disconnections between men and women are inevitable--no one ever gets it right the first time, or all the time," say the authors. "It's not only what you do that matters, it's what you do next." This book gives insights into our differences--such as men's "relational dread" and women's "relational yearning," and how to move past conflict to collaboration. The chapter "How Couples Grow" is invaluable, describing a detailed process to work through impasses and rediscover the "we" in your relationship. --Joan Price

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction

348 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1998

About the author

Samuel Shem (b. 1944) is the pen name of the American psychiatrist Stephen Joseph Bergman. His main works are The House of God and Mount Misery, both fictional but close-to-real first-hand descriptions of the training of doctors in the United States.
Of Jewish descent, Bergman was a Rhodes Scholar at Balliol College, Oxford in 1966, and was tutored by Denis Noble FRS, cardiac physiologist and later head of the Oxford Cardiac Electrophysiology Group. In an address to Noble's retirement party at Balliol, he related that Noble's response to Bergman's attempt to become a writer was to ply him with copious sherry. He graduated from Harvard College and Harvard Medical School.
He was an intern at Beth Israel Hospital (subsequently renamed Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center) ,which inspired the book The House of God.
As of 2017, Bergman is a member of the faculty of the New York University School of Medicine at NYU Langone Medical Center.
Shem's play Bill W. and Dr. Bob had an Off Broadway run at New World Stage in New York City. It ran for 132 performances and closed on June 10, 2007. The New York Times called it "an insightful new play."

Reviews

[Joel Moorhead · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read, roadmaps to more comfortable conversations that encourage understanding of gender differences and build lasting relationships. Highly recommended

[Vita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes an oldie but rally great reseaerch